Duck’s Relational Dissolution Model

In his relational dissolution model, Steve Duck looks at relational dissolution from a slightly different point of view. His model describes four kinds of work that individuals take on as they attempt to deal with a dissolving relationship. He calls these four phases the intrapsychic, dyadic, social, and grave-dressing phases. In Duck’s words, the intrapsychic phase is founded “on a sense of grievance and distress at the partner’s insensitivity or incapacity to fulfill one’s needs adequately.” The dissatisfied individual goes over and over the relation­ship in his or her mind, focusing on the partner’s negative behaviors and on the costs of staying in the relationship. The costs of leaving are also computed, as well as the possible rewards of entering alternative relationships. In this phase the partner who is unhappy evaluates the relationship and decides whether or not to say anything. The stress here is individual rather than dyadic, as one part­ner decides upon his or her best course of action.

In the dyadic phase, partners confront one another. They talk about their problems, deciding whether their relationship has enough positive aspects to keep them together and, if so, finding ways to repair the damage. If the partners decide to end the relationship, they deal with people outside the relationship in the social phase, announcing the breakup, letting friends and acquaintances know their sides of the story, and dealing with others’ reactions. They also nego­tiate the shape any future contact will take.

Finally, in the grave-dressing phase, each party determines the meaning of the couple’s time together, deciding what went wrong and what went right. In a sense, each looks for a way to rationalize the relationship and decides what to remember from it. This process is important because it affects future behavior and self-respect.

Duck insists that partners need a different set of communication skills to handle each phase. Although he does not specify in great detail what these skills are, it is possible to speculate about some of them. The abilities to think clearly and to interpret one’s own feelings and behaviors, as well as those of one’s part­ner, seem to be basic skills needed in the intrapsychic phase. Often relation­ships dissolve because partners lack empathy or because they have unrealistic expectations. Relational dissolution can be extremely stressful, and the interven­tion of a third party (a therapist or objective friend) can often help an individ­ual clarify his or her feelings and perceive the situation more objectively.

In the dyadic phase, the couple needs good negotiation and conflict resolu­tion skills. To work out their difficulties, they must discuss the relationship open­ly, without offending one another and without repressing their feelings. The abil­ity to give straightforward feedback and to disclose personal feelings honestly is important here. In the social and grave-dressing phases, still wider skills are needed as partners communicate the news of the breakup to friends and ac­quaintances; reformulate their social circles; and come to understand how the re­lationship has affected them and how it will affect future interactions.

Interpersonal Attraction: Filtering Theory

We have seen how relationships change over time. But what causes people to enter relationships in the first place? Steve Duck feels that attraction is really a process of elimination. According to his filtering theory, we use a series of fil­ters to judge how close to others we want to become. At each filter, some po­tential partners are eliminated and some move on. The point at which someone is eliminated from further consideration determines the level of that relation­ship. Those who do not pass through the first filter remain strangers. Those who make it through the first but not the second become acquaintances, and so on, with those who make it to the end becoming intimates.

Duck identifies four fil­ters: sociological or incidental, pre-interaction, interaction, and cognitive cues. Sociological or incidental cues are the demographic or environmental factors that determine probability of contact. They include factors such as where we work and live, how frequently we travel, and so on. Obviously, we cannot form relationships with people we have never met, and maintaining contact with someone thousands of miles away is extremely difficult. Physical proximity seems to be a key factor here. Numerous studies show that marriages and close friendships are most likely to occur between people who live close to one an­other. To increase one’s chance of forming a relationship, one must over­come isolation. By carefully choosing where to live, work, and play, people can increase the nature and frequency of their interpersonal bonds.

Pre-interaction cues are also important filters. People use nonverbal im­pressions to determine whether they wish to interact with others. We use body type, physical beauty, dress, and related artifacts to give us some idea of what others are like. We respond to some cues (hair color, height, etc.) because of personal preferences. Other cues tell us how similar or different another person may be or whether future interaction is likely to be rewarding. Whether or not they should, surface details often determine whether future interaction will occur. At least some of the time, the old expression “You never get a second chance to make a first impression” is true. Therefore, it is important to become more aware of the ways silent nonverbal messages affect impression formation.

Interaction cues occur once we have made initial contact. Some interac­tions are smooth and comfortable, whereas others are awkward and difficult. When topics flow easily, turn taking is smooth and effortless, eye contact and facial expression indicate friendliness and approval, and attraction is high. The ability to manage conversations and to make interaction rewarding is an important factor in increasing attractiveness. Luckily, conversational competence is learned, and, with some observation and a little practice, individuals can increase their interaction skills.

Cognitive cues constitute the last, and most important, filter. Studies show that the strongest factors in creating solid, long-lasting relationships are psychological. In the long run, the extent to which values are shared and atti­tudes and beliefs are similar is a more important determinant of friendship than is physical appearance. How do we get to know another person at this level? By communicating openly about our beliefs, attitudes, and values. This is why it is important to disclose one’s own beliefs and values and to elicit disclosure from others. It is also important to be open to the possibilities in others. If we let ini­tial filters keep us from getting to know people, we may be missing out on po­tentially rewarding relationships.

Дата добавления: 2015-11-16