The Journey Toward Intimacy

The first of the relational development stages occurs during a couple’s initial encounter as communicators and is known as the initiating stage. In this stage partners work to accomplish three things. They try to create a favorable initial impression; carefully observe each other for cues about personality, attitudes, and willingness to engage in further interactions; and look for ways to open communication channels. At this stage, communication tends to be cautious, and topics are relatively shallow as individuals use tried-and-true opening lines and conventional formulas to initiate conversation.

If all goes well and initial evaluations are positive, a couple moves on to the experimenting stage. Here partners search for common ground upon which to begin to build their relationship. Communication at this stage is phatic communication; that is, it consists primarily of small talk. Although the talk may be small, it is not unimportant. As Knapp points out, phatic commu­nication uncovers topics for further conversation; gives individuals information that reduces their uncertainty about one another; and allows them to reveal their personalities. Communica­tion at stage two is generally relaxed, uncritical, noncommittal, and somewhat ambiguous.

Most relationships stop somewhere in stage two, but others move on to the intensifying stage. Here individuals make initial moves toward greater involve­ment. Self-disclosure increases, and the use of nicknames and terms of endear­ment becomes more common. Inclusive pronouns such as “we” and “us” begin to be used, as do tentative expressions of commitment and private symbols for shared experiences. Finally, as partners become more familiar with each other’s verbal and nonverbal styles, they start to use verbal shortcuts and may even com­plete each other’s thoughts. In this stage, satisfaction and excitement are high.

In the integrating stage, the individuals become a couple both in their own and in others’ eyes. Attitudes and interests are shared, and social circles merge. As body rhythms synchronize, partners may even begin to talk and move in similar ways. Shared experiences and artifacts become personalized, and a couple can be overheard talking about “our” restaurant or “our” song. Fi­nally, partners may exchange intimacy trophies. By wearing the other’s athletic jacket or by displaying the other’s picture, partners signal to the rest of the world their official status as a couple.

This perception of unity is often reinforced by friends or acquaintances who now think of the partners as halves of a whole rather than as individuals. When friends see one of the partners alone, their first question is often “Where’s your other half?” Friends may show their approval or disapproval of the rela­tionship. For the couple, the loss of individual identity that comes with integrating may be welcome or upsetting. Knapp emphasizes the fact that as we participate in the integration process, we are intensifying and minimizing various aspects of our total person. As a result, we may not be fully conscious of the idea but when we commit ourselves to integrating with another, we also agree to become another individual.

The next stage is bonding. Bonding consists of a public ritual to legitimize the rela­tionship. Romantic couples may bond through marriage. Friends may bond by becoming “blood brothers [or sisters]” or by exchanging friendship rings. Even groups can bond, as when social clubs initiate new members. In any case, bonding rituals officially legitimize the relationship and, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, change participants’ attitudes toward and feelings about one another.

Throughout the entire journey toward intimacy, partners expand the boundaries of their relationship. According to Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor, relationships grow in breadth and depth as time progresses. To expand relational breadth, individuals progressively share more aspects of themselves and communicate about more topics. To increase relational depth, they let their partners get closer to their core identities. For Altman and Taylor, the process of relational development is a matter of social penetration. If the relationship lasts, partners continue to share intimate ideas and emotions. If, however, the relationship cannot stand up to internal or external stresses, it gradually weakens; patterns of communication narrow and become more shallow, and the relationship starts to break apart.

Дата добавления: 2015-11-16