Adapting to Gender Differences

The differences we have discussed are only a small part of a growing literature on gender differences in communication. Additional findings are summarized in Table 4.6. While thinking about this information, however, keep two things in mind. First, the gender differences we have been discussing are, for the most part, culturally determined. As our culture changes, we can assume that genderlects will change too. Second, gender differences do not apply to all men and all women; they are not absolute. Not all women are sensitive, nor are all men competitive.

Table 4.6 – Peculiarities of Men’s and Women’s Talk

Quantity of Talk: Who Talks the Most? ■ In task-oriented cross-gender groups, men talk more than do women. ■ In friendly same-gender dyads, women prefer to spend time talking; men prefer to share activities like sports or hobbies. Topics of Talk: What Do Men and Women Talk About? ■ Women talk more about private matters (family, relational problems, other women, men, clothing) than do men. ■ Men talk more about public matters (sports, money, and news) than do women. ■ Women and men both talk about work and sexual relationships. Vocabulary: Do Women and Men Use Different Words? ■ Women are reported to use more detailed color terms (mauve, teal) than do men. ■ Women more often use weaker expletives (Oh dear, Oh my), whereas men more often use stronger expletives, including obscenities. ■ Women use certain evaluative adjectives (adorable, cute, fabulous) that men do not use. Grammatical Constructions: Does Men's and Women's Syntax Differ? ■ Women use more qualifiers (somewhat, kind of, I guess) than do men. ■ Women use more disclaimers (I'm no expert, but..., Don't get mad, but...) than do men. ■ Women use more tag questions (Right? You know?) than do men. ■ Women are more likely to use polite forms than are men. Turn Taking: Who Controls Interaction Flow? ■ In cross-gender dyads, men interrupt women more than women interrupt men. ■ Women ask more questions, and men make more statements during interaction. ■ Men often respond to women using delayed minimal responses (Oh or right, said after a brief pause) that discourage interaction; women's minimal responses (hmmm, I see) occur within turns and seem to encourage talk. Topic Control: Who Chooses the Topics of Talk? ■ Men successfully initiate topics more often than do women. Humor: Do Women or Men Tell More Jokes? ■ Boys and men offer more jokes and witticisms than do girls or women. ■ Girls and women laugh more than do boys or men. Self-Disclosure: Are Men or Women More Open? ■ Women tend both to disclose more and to receive more disclosures from others than do men.

What can be done to ensure smoother communication between men and women? One way to avoid misunderstandings is to develop more flexibility in our styles. Women who have trouble dealing with conflict can learn that contro­versy is not a threat to intimacy. Men who feel uncomfortable when their posi­tion in the social hierarchy is questioned can learn that interdependence does not undermine status. And both men and women can learn when to defer to oth­ers and when to compete with them. We are likely to experience the most trou­ble when we respond unthinkingly in a single genderlect. As Tannen tells us, “There is nothing inherently wrong with automatic behavior. If we did not do most things automatically, it would take massive concentration and energy to do anything. But by becoming aware of our ways of talking and how effective they are, we can override our automatic impulses and adapt our habitual styles when they are not serving us well”.

Language and Cultural Difference

If men and women within a single language community confuse one another, you can imagine how difficult it can be when people from different countries try to communicate. Even when they have learned the vocabulary and grammar of each other's language, they may still experience problems, for languages dif­fer in many other ways. Students of cross-cultural communication have de­scribed some of these differences; in particular, they have focused on the extent to which context is part of a message, the directness with which thoughts can be expressed, the amount of emotional expressiveness that is appropriate, and the extent to which formality is expected.

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