Active Listening

Picture this. You pour out your heart to a friend. As you talk, your friend stares at you blankly and, when you’re finished, looks at you with a neutral expres­sion, gets up, and silently walks out of the room. How would you feel? Chances are you’d be hurt and confused. When we communicate, we expect a reaction. In social situations, the role of the listener involves more than simply under­standing and storing information. Listeners have an obligation to respond ei­ther verbally or nonverbally. Responding in a way that lets a speaker know you are listening and that indicates your reaction is called active listening.

Styles of Listening

Active listening takes many forms. It can consist of overt verbal responses, or it can simply be a nod, a smile, or a frown. In any form, active listening shows the speaker you are paying attention. It also supplies information to both sender and receiver. Senders can use the responses of listeners to gauge the success of their messages. Receivers can check the accuracy of their perceptions. Although it can be awkward, and even painful, to give or get negative feedback, even neg­ative feedback is better than silence and a frozen expression.

Not only is it important to give feedback during listening, it is crucial to do so in the right way. Just as mere are styles of speaking, there are also styles of listening, ways in which listeners indicate understanding and interest. And these styles are often dictated by culture. European Americans, for example, usually expect listeners to listen silently, fixing their eyes on the speaker until he or she signals talk is concluded. In this cultural group, such behavior shows respect. In the African-American rhetorical tradition, however, a different pattern occurs. “Speaker and listener urge one another on with call and response, with mes­sages and expressions of delight, amplification, encouragement, and echoes of words just said.” Eye behavior also differs within this group, with the speaker gazing, and listeners looking away. Likewise, individuals in other cultural groups listen in their own distinctive ways. Given how much we all rely on cues to tell us our conversational partners are listening, it’s important to keep in mind that listening style is culturally conditioned, and to become familiar with different listening styles.

Helpful Listening

Active listening is perhaps most important in close dyadic relationships in which individuals want to show their concern for one another. In these rela­tionships, active listening is a way to offer support and counsel. And one of the most important ways to listen actively in order to show empathy is to use para­phrasing.

Assume for a moment that a friend says to you, “I’m so far behind in my classes, I’ll never catch up. I might as well drop out.” How would you respond? Some people might offer immediate advice, telling their friend to work more efficiently. Others might try to reassure their friend that the problem is not seri­ous and that everything will turn out all right. These responses are all based on the same assumption: that the listener understands the speaker’s problem. But problems aren't always easy to understand, and people don’t always clearly ar­ticulate what is bothering them. If your friend’s problem goes deeper than the issue of time management, the only way to find out is to encourage more dis­cussion. And the best way to do this is to paraphrase.

Paraphrasing enables you to check your understanding of what someone else is saying. In the example above, you might paraphrase by saying, “So you’re very discouraged about your classes and ready to give up.” This allows your friend to think more about the problem; it invites elaboration. Because it is a tentative statement, it encourages your friend to tell you what's really wrong. As a result not only will you understand your friend better, but your friend will have a better understanding of the problem as well. And only when you both understand the problem can you go about solving it.

Of course, using paraphrasing should be more than just a “technique.” If you are simply applying a formula in a mechanical way, your response will sound as though you’re playing psychologist. But if your motivation is honest, then paraphrasing will come naturally, and you'll find that in your role as lis­tener you have given useful help. For now, remember that effective listening involves active responses, and one useful approach is to check perceptions through the use of paraphrasing.

Clearly, listening is an active process that takes at­tention and energy. Like other goal-directed behaviors, it can be improved with practice. Because listening is the forgotten part of communication, we seldom spend much time or effort on it. Yet being able to listen well is one of the most essential communication-related skills.

II. discussion

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