The Last Detail

By Deborah Miller

My grandfather prides himself on being a perfectionist. One day he walked into the barber’s, carefully took off his coat and hung it up. Next he removed his suit jacket and arranged it on a coat-hanger. Then he loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. Finally he sat down.

Approaching the chair, the barber asked, “Mr Meyer, are you here for a haircut?”

“Of course,” replied Grandpa.

“Well then, you need to take off your hat.”

2.

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbour’s noisy party than being there. (Franklin Jones)

3.

Robert Burns was walking in the port of Greenock one day, when a rich merchant fell into the water. He could not swim and would certainly have drowned, but a sailor, at the risk of his own life, saved him.

Having recovered a little from his fright the merchant thanked the sailor and gave him a shilling. The crowd, which by that time had gathered, loudly protested against the insignificance of the sum, but Burns begged them not to interfere.

“For”, said he with a smile, “the gentleman is, of course, the best judge of the value of his own life”.

Robert Burns – Роберт Бернс (1759-1796), великий национальный поэт Шотландии

4.

A very talkative youth wanted Socrates to teach him oratory. He expected the philosopher to work wonders, for in his case the teacher would deal with a very gifted pupil. He begged Socrates to hear him speak on some subject. Socrates let him talk as much as he liked and then said:

“I’ll have to charge you double, for I’ll have to teach you two sciences: how to speak and how to hold your tongue.”

Socrates [3s]krcti:z] – Сократ (ок. 469-399 до н.э.), древнегреческий философ

oratory [3]rctcrw] – ораторское искусство

to work wonders – творить чудеса

to charge smb double – взять с кого-либо двойную плату

to hold one’s tongue – держать язык за зубами

5.

When Walter Scott was a boy at school, he wished very much to stand at the top of the class. There was, however, another boy who always held that place, and nothing that Walter could do made any difference.

One day Scott noticed that whenever the top boy was asked a question, he always fingered a certain button on his waistcoat, and that seemed to help him in giving the answer. Then Walter decided to cut off this button without attracting the owner’s notice.

The next time when the top boy was asked a question, his hand went to the usual button, but it was not there. He looked for it, but it was not to be seen. So in his confusion he remained silent, and Scott took his place.

The boy never recovered it, nor did he find out who had played the trick upon him.

Walter Scott [3w]:ltc 3sk]t] – Вальтер Скотт (1771-1832), выдающийся английский писатель

to stand at the top of the class – быть лучшим учеником в классе

to finger – зд. трогать, крутить

a waistcoat – жилет

in his confusion – в замешательстве

to recover – возвращать себе

to play a trick upon smb – сыграть шутку с кем-либо

6.

Swift was not very generous. One of his friends often sent him presents that were always brought by the same boy, but the boy never received anything for his trouble.

One day the boy brought Swift some game. He opened the door without knocking and said: “Master sends you this.”

“Young man,” said Swift, “is that the way to deliver a present? I’ll teach you better manners. Let’s change parts. Sit down in my chair, and I’ll show you how you should have done it.”

The boy sat down at the writer’s table, and Swift left the room. Then he knocked at the door, opened it, and taking off his hat, came up to the boy, bowed and said:

“Sir, my master hopes that you are well and begs you to take a little present.”

“Does he?” replied the boy. “then return him my best thanks, and take this half-crown for your trouble.”

Swift laughed heartily and gave the boy a crown for his ready wit.

Jonathan Swift – Джонатан Свифт (1667-1745), великий английский писатель-сатирик

for his trouble – за труды

to deliver – доставлять, вручать

to change parts – поменяться ролями

half-crown – полкроны (крона – монета достоинством в 5 шиллингов)

ready wit – остроумие, находчивость

7.

Once Mark Twain was fishing. A man came along and asked him:

“Are you catching any fish?”

“I caught fifteen trout yesterday,” Mark Twain said.

“Is that so?” said the man. “Well, do you know who I am?”

“No,” said Mark Twain.

“I’m the game warden of this place and trout is out of season,” answered the man.

“By the way, do you know who I am?”

“No,” replied the game warden.

“Well, I am the biggest liar in this place,” said Mark Twain.

trout [traut] – форель (мн. ч. без изменений)

game - дичь

game warden [3w]:dcn] – инспектор по охране дичи (рыбы)

trout is out of season – в это время года не разрешается ловить форель

8.

“No man is so well known as he thinks he is,” once said Enrico Caruso, the world famed tenor. “While motoring in New York State,” continued the great singer, “the automobile broke down and I found refuge in a farmhouse while the car was being repaired. I became friendly with the farmer who asked me my name, and I told him it was Caruso. The farmer rose to his feet and seized me by the hand. “Little did I think I would see a man like you in my humble kitchen, sir!” he exclaimed. “Caruso! The great traveller, Robinson Caruso!”

Enrico Caruso – Энрико Карузо (1873-1921), знаменитый итальянский певец

world famed = world famous

to find refuge – найти пристанище

Little did I think – Мог ли я когда-либо подумать

humble – скромный

9.

Mark Twain was a guest of honour at an opera-box party given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been particularly talkative all during the performance and it made Mark Twain irritated.

Toward the end of the opera, she turned to him and said: “Oh, my dear Mr. Clemens, I do so want you to be with us next Friday evening. I’m certain you’ll like it – the opera will be “Tosca”.

“Charmed, I’m sure,” replied Mark Twain, “I’ve never heard you in that.”

a guest of honour at an opera-box party – почетный гость в ложе оперного театра

prominent – известный, выдающийся

Render in English the gist of the extracts from the book “The Xenophobe’s Guide to the English” by A. Miall and D. Milsted. Avoid a word-for-word translation:

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