"Do you have a boyfriend, Frankie?" Paul interrogated him at the worst moment, just when the pianist was about to kill me with the power of his mind. Frankie lied down on the stage, meditative, doubting between what we had asked him to do and his usual urge to declare our love.
"N-no I don't." he uttered, not turning out convincing in the slightest.
"Uh...Tony? I'm afraid your kid's hiding a boyfriend from you." Paul concluded.
"N-NO!"
"You think?" Anthony played the fool.
"Yes. Does he go to school?"
"N-no, n-never went to s-school. I...I l-lived in a place for s-special people and...and I c-couldn't get out to g-go to real school. Th-they teached me s-something there but...d-didn't learn much and n-now I think I'm t-too old for s-school." Frankie said, scratching his head. My eyes fell on Anthony who was also looking at me. Frank had never hinted about actually wanting to go to school before.
"No, you're not too old, we'll see about that." Tony kissed his cheek. Frankie didn't reply, just smiled big as he continued to move around aimlessly. "You feel okay, son?"
"Y-yeah..." Frank stared at the instruments again and this time he couldn't stop himself. He ran to them and walked in circles, not knowing which one to choose first. The boyfriend subject had been left behind and I was glad for it, I wasn't ready to be judged by four people.
"Oh no, not the piano!" Victor exclaimed seeing that Frankie had made up his mind for said instrument -which belonged to the bar, to start with. "He's gonna fuck it up!"
"What's wrong with you today?" Anthony confronted him, tired of his hostility. "I know you're not exactly fond of or patient with kids, but you're never a jerk. He's my son, Vic, you know the story!"
"I know, I know. Sorry, I just...I don't know how to..." he rambled. "I'm not used to being around...special people."
"I understand, I know it's not easy for everybody. You don't have to do anything in particular, just talk to him as you would to any person and at least be a little nicer!" Tony raised his voice. Frank was beating up the keys so hard that we couldn't hear ourselves. He was fine with that noise because he controlled it.
"I'll try, I promise." Victor still sounded troubled. I kept my back to them to dissimulate, yet my ears were attentive.
"Are you sure it's only that, Victor? Isn't there something else bothering you? Stop glancing at the damn piano, man! It's not yours and it's already old and fucked up, come on!" Tony paused and I turned my head slightly to spy him. He'd gotten lost watching Frankie pound the piano and headbang, the biggest smile painted on his face.
"It's nothing, Tony, we'll talk later." Victor patted his shoulder and walked away.
Frankie's enthusiasm for the piano didn't last. After abandoning it and prancing among the instruments that were scattered on the floor, he picked up the sax. He blew it once and again failing to get more than a stifled faint sound out of it. Red faced he sat down feeling giddy.
"Are you ok, Frankie?" I climbed the stage.
"Y-yes, but it d-doesn't work."
"Want me to teach you?" Trevor offered kneeling beside us.
"N-no, it...it m-makes my head h-hurt." Frank responded. "G-greg! T-teach me to p-play drums?"
"Frankie, I think we should be going now..." I checked my watch.
"N-NO! J-just a little m-more, kay?" he stated more than begged. "G-greg...teach m-me?"
"Of course!" he followed Frank to the drum set, handed him the sticks, and stood behind the boy as he sat on the stool.
The drumming lesson lasted the same as Frank's attention span -not much in such circumstances- but he did decidedly better than with the piano. Next, he told Jake that he wanted to sing. The man set up the microphone, eying a very eager Frankie skeptically.
"Can he sing? I..." he spoke to me, searching for the correct words. "...don't mean if he's good or bad, I'm saying because of...how he speaks?"
"I...I c-can!" Frankie interjected. "D-don't get s-stuck when I s-sing, I'll sh-show you!"
"It's true, I have no idea why and as far as I know no one's really sure, but many speech impediments are not noticeable while singing." I lectured.
"I'd actually heard of that, but didn't know it was a fact." Jake said into the mic, testing it. "Sorry for my ignorance, Frankie. What do you wanna sing?"
"S-something by Green D-day or...or Offspring?"
"Ok! My kid likes them, so I know some. You start with a song and I'll join you if I remember it. If I don't, you go on by yourself."
"G-good!"
Anthony, I, and even Greg practically drooled listening to Frankie sing and seeing him so happy. His voice was nasal and childish, but he had rhythm and could sing in tune. After two or three songs -for moments sharing the mic with Jake, for moments going solo- he had gotten worked up and was screaming and jumping around his partner. Jake stood there watching the spectacle and laughing his ass off the same as the rest of the guys, including Victor.
"K-kay, got t-tired." he informed us, dropping the microphone in the middle of 'Pretty fly for a white guy'. He went back to pacing the stage, now also whispering to himself and rubbing his head with both hands. "N-no, no m-more. Shh! N-no....said I'm t-tired, you're d-deaf? I...I d-don't wanna talk to y-you, why you h-have to talk to m-me, uh? Sh-shut up, shut up, sh-shut up..."
"What...?" Paul eyed Tony confusedly. "He's not talking to us, is he?"
"No, he sometimes hears a voice in his head." he explicated.
"He should have taken his meds like an hour ago, but I didn't know we'd be out for so long and didn't bring them with me. I guess what makes it worse is that he's tired and had too much sugar." I noted.
Anthony approached Frankie and hugged him, leisurely running his fingers through his son's hair. Frank said some more things that I couldn't decipher and growled annoyed, like he always did when he couldn't cope with his thoughts and didn't know what he wanted anymore.
"Come on, I better take you home." Tony suggested.
"N-no, I w-wanna stay."
"You can see the guys and play some other day, now you need to take your meds and rest."
"B-but...but n-no...not y-yet, dad, no." Frankie sniffed.
"Ok, stubborn. Last thing and then we leave, 'cause I know you're not feeling well." he sat on the floor and made Frank sit on his crossed legs, adopting the same position. Iero took his guitar and placed it on the boy's lap, passing the strap over his head just to get it out of the way. We occupied a table, watching in silence.
"I'm gonna accommodate your fingers on the fret -the neck of the guitar; so leave them where I put them, ok?" Tony instructed.
"K-kay."
"Now...have this pick and give me your hand. Loosen it up, I'll guide it." Anthony moved his son's hand and when the pick first touched the strings, Frank's eyes went wide and both shuddered like it had happened the first time they met. The exhausted smile on Frank's lips lingered on while he relaxed in his father's arms. With closed eyes he listened to the simple melody, felt the music being played through his body. He was too drained to try to learn something out of it, he was just enjoying what I knew was a significant moment for him. For both, seeing as Tony's eyes weren't on the guitar but on his son's peaceful face.
The private, meaningful musical piece came to an end and Frankie didn't argue when Anthony left the guitar aside and held him.
"What did you think?"
"I...I l-like drums better 'c-cause guitar's too h-hard and my h-hands are dumb, b-but...but liked p-playing with you a l-lot." he kissed his father's cheek. "C-can we do it at h-home some other d-day?"
"Whenever you want. I'll bring a guitar with me every day. "
"Y-yay! Oh...f-fuck! M-music stopped and...and he's t-talking again. T-talking and talking an-and fuck!" Frank cursed, hitting his head.
"Home, meds, and sleep for you. Now!"
"K-kay, and dinner. Y-you forgot d-dinner." he corrected.
"Ok: home, meds, dinner and sleep. But you say bye to the boys now." I helped him off the stage.
Frankie kissed everybody's cheeks goodbye, letting them know that he'd had lots of fun and wanted to visit them again soon. The guys said they would demand that Anthony brought him more often.
"Are you gonna come see us play tomorrow?" Victor asked him, doing his best to at least exchange a few words. He smiled at Frank but barely looked at me.
"N-no...no I c-can't. S-sorry..."
"He doesn't like places with many people and much noise." Anthony excused him. "Live music's too loud for him."
"Oh, ok. Maybe we can present an exclusive acoustic show for your kid some day?" the pianist proposed.
"That's a great idea!" I threw in, attempting to get his attention. I didn't succeed.
"Yes, we'll do that!" Anthony beamed child-like.
Frankie was in his own world, moving his lips and nodding to the air; so I grabbed his hand, motioned for Anthony to hurry up and we left without any more delay.
I traveled in the back of the van with Frankie, having him wrapped up in a blanket as Tony had advised. He sometimes reminded me of my mother too much, which I guessed was good for his son. Frank wouldn't stop twisting in my arms and he couldn't sleep even though he needed it, so we constantly talked to him to distract him from the voice and the general chaos inside his head. It had been a very special day for him, the way he talked about it demonstrated it. He understood how important those four guys were for Anthony, and having been introduced to them had brought him close to his father. Frankie felt that he had a real place in his dad's life. The abandoned, messed up kid who had never had a family was now a part of two. No other feeling could compare to that.
"Th-they're like...m-my uncles?" he referred to the band.
"Yes, uncles sounds good, and I think they'd like that title!" Tony laughed, overflown with happiness.
"V-victor too? I...I th-think he doesn't l-like me."
"It's not that, he was just in a bad mood today." Greg told him. "I'm sure he liked you."
"Ahh...k-kay. I...n-no...that I...I d-dunno. G-gee?" he glanced at me unfocused.
"Yes, baby?"
"I...w-wanna go h-home." he cried, his nails puncturing my arms.
"We'll be home in a few minutes, love." I hid the pain, kissing him and massaging his neck to try and help him relax.
"N-now..."
"Almost there, son. Close your eyes and try not to think of anything." Anthony's tone was more preoccupied now. "How are you, Gerard? You hardly spoke there, which is weird for you."
"Oh, I'm fine. I thought it was Frankie's moment and besides, are you sure Victor doesn't know about me and Frankie? The way he looked at me..."
"Well, I never told him, but I understand why you'd think that, he was acting weird. Look...I'll talk to the guys after I leave you and Frankie home, and tomorrow I'll let you know. Don't worry, you have my support and no one will make me change my mind."
"Ok, thanks." his answer didn't leave me any less concerned. I was tired of being under the magnifying glass, suspected, doubted. I didn't want Anthony to have an argument with his friends because of us. I just wanted people to understand that Frankie could and had the right to love and be loved, and I wasn't a monster for giving him -and myself- the chance.
CHAPTER 62 - Teh Lego Chapter
I don't care if Monday's black,
Tuesday, Wednesday - heart attack.
Thursday, never looking back,
it's Friday, I'm in love.
As hard as it was for Anthony to bid his son goodbye, he and Greg had to leave right away after they dropped us home. They were going to play the following night and some actual rehearsal with the whole band was needed.
The first thing I did when we entered the house was give Frankie his meds and call for pizza. It was late and he was too agitated and confused to leave him alone and go cook, so I lied down with him waiting for the medication to kick in and our meal to arrive. Frank switched position and talked a lot -mostly incoherently, though he did make sense for moments when he spoke happily about his dad and the band. He screamed at the voice in his head, bitched at the gnomes who made too much noise and even got up and walked around the room a couple of times. Finally, he curled up in my arms and allowed me to play with his hair while I whispered random things to soothe him. He was soon profoundly asleep.
After such an active day, I didn't think he'd wake up until the following morning. I was wrong. Sure, he didn't hear the doorbell or me getting up to answer and get the pizza; but when I poked his side and mentioned dinner -I knew he'd kill me if I didn't at least try- he quickly sat up saying he was hungry. He could hardly keep his eyes open and even less hold a slice of pizza without it falling, yet he was perfectly able to chew and swallow what I fed him. By the end of the third slice, he lied back on the couch and instantly passed out.
******
I was purposely silent in the morning when I left the bed, Frankie needed all the sleep he could get. He didn't like to wake up and find out I wasn't home, but I was sure Anthony would easily manage to chase his anger away.
Iero knew how nervous that last day's meeting had made me, and that I'd go crazy if I had to wait until being back from work to know what the guys had thought of me. For that reason, he'd promised to be around earlier than usual so we could talk before I left.
I texted and asked him to text me back when he arrived instead of ringing the doorbell, to which Tony replied 'I'm already here'. I quickly opened the door and invited him to follow me around the house while I executed my morning routine.
"Frank's still sleeping?" he asked.
"Yeah, he was so tired last night that I didn't dare wake him. You might have to put up with a little tantrum later, though." I replied while standing in front of the toilet, raising my voice just a little over the gush of pee. I heard him chuckle.
"Why?"
"He oesn ike me doo div weeout ellin hem." I mumbled with the toothbrush in my mouth. The bathroom door was pushed open to reveal a very amused Anthony leaning on the frame.
"Come again?"
"ah haid..." I gave up and spat the paste in the sink upon seeing him roll his eyes. "...that Frankie doesn't like me to leave without telling him."
"Ahhh, now I get it!" Tony nodded. "Don't worry, I'll explain it to him and say you left kisses and hugs."
"Thanks." I walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where I had previously disposed the pile of clothes I'd wear, hanging not too neatly from a chair. As I began to get dressed, I threw Tony a decided, yet scared look, prompting him. "Well, tell me what they said."
"No one's gonna start a pyre for you, Gerard. Spare yourself the tragedy face." he was now straight out laughing as he grabbed the burner, set the already filled kettle on a stovetop and turned the knob. "Coffee?"
"No I...I'll be late if..."
"I'll take that as a yes." he continued with his task. I didn't know if his tranquility should calm me down or make me more nervous.
"They were all captivated by Frankie..." he started, as if to torture me. Of course they'd love Frankie. "...and they had a lot of fun with him. Some of them confessed that they were a little unsure about how to treat him, but I guess that's normal. They'll feel more comfortable next time, I'm sure."
"Yeah, my brother has that problem. Frank makes him a little...uneasy, he has no experience with special people or even kids. But things have gotten better with time, I know Mikey adores Frankie even if he still complains about him once in a while." I followed the conversation, tying my shoes. I didn't want to sound too desperate to get to my point of concern.
"That's what Vic said." I flinched when he mentioned the name. He didn't seem to notice, now calmly adding instant coffee into the cups. "He's not very patient with kids and never dealt with someone like Frank. Told him that he doesn't need to treat him any differently and I think he got the idea...at least he talked to Frankie after that. That's enough for me; I don't mean to force them, but since they're family to me I'd like them to get along with my son. I want Frankie to feel fine with them, accepted."
"I totally understand that..." I trailed off, messing with my hair in front of the corridor's mirror..
"I had to tell them." Anthony finally got to the part that interested me the most. Not that I didn't care about their opinion of Frankie, I just didn't fear it as I feared their opinion of me.
"What? How...?" I worried. He came to the table with the coffees and placed mine before me.
"They started asking questions, especially Victor. He suspected something."
"Oh, then I was right, that was the reason for his death glare." I snorted, stirring my hot drink after adding sugar.
"We're all very protective of each other, and Greg and Victor are like the bodyguards of the band, you know?" he commented. "They can sometimes be a little hasty in reaching conclusions, I admit it."
"So he was thinking me a pervert too, how original!" I exclaimed sarcastically. The subject was really getting old and my patience had a shorter fuse now.
"I wouldn't go that far. He'd had his doubts about you since the beginning when I first told them, that's why I hadn't revealed the whole thing to them so far. I thought it'd be better if they met you first."
"But it was worse. " I assumed.
"Not really, it worked fine for most of them." he took a sip of his coffee and smiled. Was there something to smile at?
"Elaborate..."
"At first...they all got defensive."
"Of course..." I sighed.
"Gerard...I can imagine how it feels to always have people thinking wrong of you, but you need to put yourself in their place. When you first meet Frank, until you get to know him better, you'd think he's like a little kid, you know that. To find out about your relationship with Frankie is shocking, it can seem inappropriate..." he pleaded for his band mates' initial reaction. He was right, I knew he was right but I was just tired of being judged and doubted.
"I do, I do put myself in other people's place but I...it...it hurts. " I only realised that I was crying when I saw a single tear fall into the dark, steaming liquid in my cup. Anthony -who had been sitting across from me- moved around the table and occupied the chair next to mine. As soon as he placed a hand on my back, I turned and hugged him. It was a spur-of-the-moment response, an unconscious need for reassurance.
"Go ahead and cry, you need it." Tony hushed, rubbing my back in that way that wasn't calming but inciting. An invitation to unburden. "I know how it feels..."
Those last words made a click in me and I began to sob against his shoulder, louder and louder. I didn't want Frankie to hear me, but I just couldn't stop. I did need to cry. Anthony hadn't explained himself farther and it wasn't necessary, I had now read beyond that line he articulated and realised something that had escaped me so far. That 'I know how it feels', which could have passed for a cliche, wasn't so in his case. Though for different reasons, he did know how it felt to be prejudged, to receive bad looks often. This man hugging me had been once a drug dealer. He'd probably robbed and hurt people back then when he was an addict. However, I didn't see any of that when looking at him, I didn't mind. I only saw the sweet, kind, caring man he was nowadays. Anyway, I was sure it hadn't been like that with other people. Anthony must have been discriminated, distrusted, denied many opportunities because of his past and those two years he spent in prison. He'd been through far worse than me, of course he knew how I felt, and it comforted me.
He let me cry for as long as necessary, not caring if I was wetting his jacket with my tears. He wasn't old enough to be my father, but I hadn't dared tell everything to my own and in that moment I felt like a child in need of a paternal figure.
"I...I'm gonna be late to work." I hiccuped.
"No you won't, you still have time." Anthony took some distance to look at me, holding my head in between his hands. "Gerard, I'm gonna be clear and concise: I believe in you, I trust you. So do your family and friends. I don't mean to brag but...aren't we the only ones who matter?"
"Y-you are, you're right." I couldn't help laughing at his fake arrogant face.
"That's better! Now stay here and I'll make you another coffee, this one's gone cold."
"But...your friends...what did they...?" he still hadn't told me how their talk ended.
"Oh, right! Almost forgot." he sauntered back to the stove. "You know how I mentioned that they all got defensive?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, not actually all of them. Right after I let out that you were Frank's boyfriend, Paul said you're the most adorable couple ever and that he wants to be the improvised minister if you two ever get married." he surprised me. Good to know someone took it so well.
"I think it's still too soon to think of marriage but...I'll have him in mind!" I bantered. "Oh, there's something I've been wanting to ask you, and even more after what you just said."
"Go ahead and shoot, then."
"Excuse my curiosity but....is Paul gay?" I uttered timidly. The bassist gave me that vibe, but I hadn't found the right moment to check it with Tony the night before. He cracked up laughing and spread the crumbs of the cookie he was eating all over the counter.
"Oh sorry, I'll clean the mess! Gerard, you have a fine gaydar!"
"I do?"
"Definitely! It's not that Paul's like...a flamboyant butterfly."
"I was right, then?" I verified.
"Yep, Greg and I met him in a gay club." he expatiated, handing me my refilled cup. I inhaled the tempting aroma and enjoyed the warmth on my cold hands, relaxing and trying to forget what a crying baby I was. "I never thought it was that obvious in him. I've been told it's much more so in me, and I'm 'technically' bi."
"I don't know if it's obvious, I just sensed it, can't explain it."
"Gaydar, we know our kind!" he sniggered. "So, I guess you wanna know about the other guys."
"Please?"
"I was very clear to them about how things are between you and Frankie, the conversations we've had, the part of Frank they didn't see. Jake and Trevor were more convinced after that, they reasoned that there might be nothing wrong with the relationship and that I'd know if there was. Victor still can't understand how I accepted it so easily, but at the same time he trusts my intuition. They've seen me suffer for my supposedly dead son and then almost explode with joy when I found him alive thanks to you. The guys trust me to know what's good for Frankie. You don't need to worry, Gerard!" he finished talking and stared at a still sulky me. "Stop worrying, I told you, it's an order!"
"Ok, ok, lower your voice!" I quieted him. "You're gonna wake up Frankie!"
Just as I said that, I saw Frankie silently appear from behind his father, grinning and motioning for me not to say anything. "G-GOOD MORNING!" he screamed and jumped on Tony's back.
"Oh God, son!" Iero brought a hand to his chest. "Good morning! Though you almost scared me to death!"
"I...I'm s-super sneaky, uh?" Frankie kissed his dad's cheek, still perched on his back.
"Very! And also incredibly hyper in the mornings..."
"Yes, he's usually like this just before taking his meds. Then if you wait any longer to give them to him, it gets worse like yesterday" I said.
"Went to pee?" Tony questioned Frankie.
"Y-yep."
"Right place?"
"I th-think so. Y-yes." he giggled.
"Brushed your teeth?"
"Y-yes!"
"Then coddle Gerard a little before he leaves." Anthony walked backwards putting Frank down on my lap. "Boyfriend delivery!"
"Oh, I like the new service!" I joked, Frankie and I sharing a sweet, long kiss. "Good morning, love."
"M-morning!" Frank stared at me and got suddenly serious. "G-gee, you c-cried...why?"
"No I didn't..."
"Y-yes you d-did! I...I kn-know I'm not l-like...super s-smart but...but I'm not s-stupid! Y-you cried!" he pouted, annoyed at my denial. It only made me want to kiss those pursed lips again, but he pushed me apart.
"T-tell me first."
"Gerard cried because he's happy." Anthony helped.
"Wh-why?" Frankie insisted.
"I was talking about you and how much I love you and...I started crying!" I pecked the tip of his nose. "I'm a sissy."
"Awwwwww y-you're not a s-sissy, you're c-cute!" Frankie now granted me permission to his mouth, which I exploited shamelessly. "N-now go to w-work or...or y-you'll be late."
I spent a moment contemplating him, proud of the way he'd matured and adapted in some aspects. He had learned to accept things that he didn't exactly like and would rarely complain, for example, when I had to leave.
"Oh, Tony, the pills are on top of the cupboard. Grind one and a half and scatter it over the marmalade on a toast." I indicated, since it was the first time Anthony would do it. He'd usually come when I had already taken care of that, so he only needed to remember about the vitamins at lunch.
"Ok! Now go, and again..."
"...stop worrying, I know!" I waved and left.
****
I'd been expecting that Frankie would object to staying with Ray again. He loved my friend, but this new experience of having a father and spending time with him was still very recent. They had yet lots of activities to share and coincidences to discover. There was, however, no problem when a new week started; Frankie had missed Ray as much as Ray had missed him. Toro said he'd kept getting up early during his free week because he had gotten used to it, and then he would spend the morning pacing around the house without knowing what to do. Therefore, both of them were visible happy to see each other, and had begun to plan the day as soon as Ray arrived.
On Wednesday, Tony had come for us and we went to see his friends again. I'd started to think that he was doing all within his reach to book shows at neighboring towns on purpose, though he'd repeat it was just luck and he wasn't the one in charge of that.
This time, the meeting was fortunately far more pleasant for everybody. The four men abstained from asking any question that could incommode me and even Victor was civil towards me. In view of Frank's emphatic request, I ended up singing some Beatles songs accompanied by Tony and Paul on acoustic guitars. Frankie was ecstatic, jumping and applauding, and Jake labeled him my groupie. We probably still had a long way to go until they -or mostly Victor- could wholly take me in, though I liked the idea of us all being a big, peculiar family.
******************
It was a cold, late Friday afternoon, those that make you want to just turn on the heater and wrap yourself in a blanket. That's what Frankie and I did once Ray left, cuddling on the couch under a bedcover and watching a romantic movie we caught on TV. Once in a while Frankie would roll over to face me, smiling in a foolish way that I was more than likely imitating. We'd kiss for some seconds and then he'd turn his attention back to the movie. My concentration was failing, I had no idea what was happening on the screen. My interest was stolen by the boy lying next to me, his back against my chest; so close, so warm. Supporting my weight on my elbow, I watched the flickering lights play with Frank's soft features, reflect on his glasses and the pupils behind them. He looked dreamy, absorbed, he was smiling.
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