That day -or what was left of it- held out the prospect of normality as I arrived home, Frankie and I going through our daily routine. Not a boring, annoying one; he would unconsciously add to every activity the touch that made it different: a comment, a gesture, a laugh, even his protests turned our every-day life far more interesting.
It had been a perfectly normal day so far up to the moment when we walked into the bedroom, ready to snuggle together waiting for sleep to come -which was usually soon. While Frankie took off his clothes to change into his pajamas, I checked the alarm clock. Having made sure that it was set on the right time, I found myself observing my recently acquired nightstand. It had been a gift, really. Ray had found it while cleaning his grandma's attic a couple of days ago and brought it, sick and tired of seeing me use a chair. The old piece of furniture was coated in half-splintered, pink formica, but served for its purpose. Ray said it was perfect for us; that pink suited us like no other color and not only because of the gay connotation, also because we were cheesily and 'fairytale-y' in love. My friend seriously needed a girl, only then he would stop calling us 'oversugared' and all those other adjectives that were mostly made up by him.
I lowered my pants and sat on the bed to get rid of them. When I turned to look at Frankie I found him kneeling behind me in only his boxers. He hadn't even grabbed his pajamas; he was just there biting his lip, staring with pleading eyes. He crawled towards me and kissed my neck, my jaw, my cheek, my mouth.
"D-don't wanna s-sleep yet. N-nope." a seductive voice declared as trembling fingers played with the end of my hoodie. I knew what Frankie wanted, so I lifted my arms and let him do his job. With the same move he also freed me from my shirt. Next he straddled me, giggled, pushed me down and fell on top of me.
"H-hello!" he giggled some more, blinking mechanically because his eyes felt strange without glasses. He was also so close that he probably saw me double.
"Hello, beautiful! And hello to your little friend down there, too." I replied, feeling him against my own groin. I'd undoubtedly be in the same condition in seconds, with us both already immersed into a messy, wet tongue game. Bodies rocking, hands seeking waistbands and fumbling with restraining fabrics.
"W-wait!" he stood to finish the task, made a ball out of our underwear and threw it to the air. "An-and...they f-flied!"
"Flying boxers? Oh, that's new!" I laughed. I didn't care to correct his verb conjugation, that would have been a certain turn-off.
"Y-yes!" he dived into me without mercy, as he always enjoyed doing. "Ouch! Th-think my thingy b-broke! L-lemme see...no, it...it's s-still there and h-happy!"
"Good, but I think I'm all broken!" I joked, though that had been painful for real.
"Sh-shut up! Y-you said you l-liked me fat th-the same!"
"I told you not to call yourself fat, and I adore your round shapes. I'm so gonna pinch you all over." I took hold of his love handles and projected my hips up, Frankie and I moaning together into the resumed kiss, insecurities forwarded to oblivion.
As skin got warmer, our hands ventured farther and our respiration became more ragged. Somewhere in the middle of our passionate communion, I complied to the sheer need to open my eyes. They met another pair just as alert on the face below me. The world stopped, same as all movement and sound. I saw doubt, fear, want...
"L-love you, Gee." Love...bringing a smile to his face.
"I love you too, Frankie." my lips couldn't resist the distance anymore, but they didn't get much. Frankie detained the kiss when his hands cupped my face, pushing it apart from him.
"I...I w-wanna try. Y-yeah...I th-think I want." he whispered, his body still somewhat responding unwillingly to the friction.
"What do you wanna try, baby?" I dreaded the answer as soon as I asked the question. Had the moment arrived?
"T-to make l-love...for r-real. W-want you to show me h-how you d-do it well. D-dad told me...t-told me it f-feels good when...wh-when the two w-want and they l-love each other." his pupils shifted anxiously. I was petrified.
"Are you sure you want to, love? I need you to think about it well, you know you don't have to, right? That I'll love you just the same even if we never do it?" I questioned, my own anxiety battling with the need. I rolled off him, interrupting the contact to clear up our thinking. We were now side by side, face to face, fingers entwined.
"I...I kn-know." he nodded. "B-but I want, r-really. C-can we t-try it?"
"Yes, but...promise you'll tell me if there's anything you don't like? I'll stop whenever you say, I don't mind."
"P-promise." he showed me trust in his look and the nearly ethereal kiss given on my parted lips.
"Wait a minute." I sat up not before leaving one more souvenir on the side of his mouth. Opening the nightstand's drawer, I took out the tube of lube. It had been the first thing I put in there, knowing that I needed to be prepared just in case, as Frankie had said.
"Th-that's the l-lube?" he panted, stroking himself fast. I stopped his hand and laughed.
"Yes it is, but hey! Don't get so enthusiastic or you'll ruin the fun too soon!"
"Oh...k-kay." he chuckled, gripping the pillow tightly to stop the urge. I opened the lubricant, retrieved a generous amount which I smeared on my fingers and got closer to Frankie.
"Ok baby, now separate your legs...flex your knees, good. Don't worry, I won't do anything too...weird yet. Sure you still want to?" again I verified.
"Y-yep." Frank said. Sitting beside him, I reached down for another kiss as my cleaner hand caressed his chest, his stomach. It barely touched the awaiting part of him -making him curve his back- and proceeded towards his thigh to finally reach its destination. My lube covered fingertips met his entrance, just spreading the substance. Frankie jumped.
"Are you ok?"
"Y-yes but it's c-cold! Y-you...you're gonna p-put your f-fingers...inside n-now?" he propelled himself on his elbows to watch me. He was a funny view, naked and in such a situation but with the expression of a curious little kid.
"Save you wanna stop now, it's necessary. I don't want to hurt you." I insisted. It was better for him to think me a pain in the ass than to end up with an unwanted one himself. I needed to have his approval before each step.
"N-no...do it. J-just...careful 'c-cause...'cause it's m-my ass!" he warned me. His advise made me laugh and helped me loosen up.
"I will, you relax." I lubricated my middle finger even more and allowed it to slid a little, finding resistance. With some difficulty I reached up and kissed Frank again, brushing his damp hair off his face.
"Relax, don't...close it." I felt ridiculous saying that, but it would make sure he understood. His giggles told me that he did. As the digit disappeared inside of him, I stroked him with my other hand. Slowly, subtly, only to release some tension and distract him from the intrusion. I constantly observed his features.
"Uh..." he complained, frowning and squirming uncomfortably.
"Sorry love, does it hurt?" I got worried.
"N-no...feels w-weird but..it's o-okay. I...it's g-getting better now."
"Do I go on?" I moved the finger around, then in and out with delicacy.
"Y-yes! K-kinda like it n-now." he squeezed his eyes shut. I sensed myself throb at the sight but suppressed the yearning; both my hands were Frank's for the moment. He looked so sexy, so different.
"I'm gonna try adding another finger now." I let him know. "If you need me to stop, say it right away."
"Y-yeah..." be babbled, lost in pleasure. Yet, I was hesitant. Even though my fingers were practically bathed in lube -exaggeratedly so- Frankie's body seemed to reject the second invasion. I kept telling him to breathe deeply, to relax, to not think about it. I kissed him with desperate love, palm grazing his sweaty skin, offering comfort and speaking out my feelings. When the momentary sobs subsided and he assured me that he was fine, I tried to get back on what I'd abandoned half-way. However, as I pushed in more, Frankie screamed in panic -or pain- and I withdrew my fingers.
"N-NO, STOP! S-stop stop p-please it h-hurts!"
"Shhh it's ok, Frankie. I stopped, I stopped." I lied down and held him, rubbing his back and kissing him. I was terrified myself and began to cry while a soothed him. "I'm s-sorry, are you ok?"
"Y-yes I just...it h-hurt and...and I got s-scared. I c-can't, Gee. S-sorry." he apologized too. He was, however, calming down quickly as he realised that I did stop, that the story wasn't repeating.
"It's fine, I love you. I told you we didn't have to, look at me."
"B-but...but..." he sniffed. "I...I w-wanted to..."
"Do you wanna do it the other way round? I mean... you make love to me? We could..." I proposed. After all, it's how it had aways been for me -only once in my life I had been on top- and I would do anything for Frankie. He didn't like the idea, though.
"N-NO! N-no I don't w-want! D-dunno how and...and...m-my fingers...uh eww...n-no."
"It's fine, babe, I just had to ask." I smiled.
"S-sorry, I d-don't..."
"Enough, you don't need to be sorry, forget about it and kiss me!" I jokily commanded, and his eyes smiled through the tears when he abided by my order. The sweet kiss sent a sense of familiarity through all my body, that famous tickling sensation. Soon we were doing what we knew so well, and our hands sufficed. My arm and his arm crossed on their way to the other's territory, reaching out. Wrist twists, thrusts. Mouths connected as often as our continuous panting permitted, to finally give up and be content with staying forehead to forehead until we were done.
When our eyes opened again, welcomed by a matching somnolent stare, there was no remorse or resentment. It had been perfect, like always.
CHAPTER 60
But he saw the world
through the eyes of a child,
big problems seem smaller
and old things seem new.
I freaked out when I didn't see Frankie beside me on the bed, and it took me a moment to shake off my somnolence and remember that he couldn't have gotten out of the room. As additional confirmation, I enfolded my hand around the key that hung from my neck. With my senses coming back, I was able to hear Frank's voice -faint, rustling- and smell the acrid, unmistakable stench of morning urine.
"Shh...n-no he won't be m-mad. W-was an ac-acci-dent, yes. N-no, couldn't. H-he needs to s-sleep 'cause...'c-cause he has to w-work." I could make out the words now, straining my ears.
I silently slid to the end of the mattress to spy over it. Just there in front of the bed, several paper sheets had been thrown over a yellowish puddle to absorb it. Frankie was on the floor, closely pressed against the door, talking and gesturing to it. He was still completely naked and shaking, skin covered in goosebumps and lips turning blue. I couldn't afford having the heater on the whole night, so the bedroom was usually very cold in the morning.
"M-morning, Gee." he smiled bemused when he saw me.
"Baby...you're freezing, why didn't you put some clothes on?" I picked him up and walked him to the bed.
"D-dunno. I...I g-got up and...and w-wanted to pee b-but didn't want to w-wake you. N-no, you n-need to sleep. H-he told me to b-but...I d-didn't want to. W-we were ar-arguing and...the pee es-escaped. Th-then uh...dunno. S-sorry..."
"Don't be sorry, no problem. But next time just wake me up, ok?" I kissed him and grabbed some boxers, a hoodie and sweatpants.
"K-kay, lemme c-clean..." he tried to get up but I pushed him back down.
"No, no. I'll clean later, now I'm gonna get you dressed and you're going back to bed to warm up. I'll bring you your pills and breakfast in a while." I met his lips again, shuddering. They seemed made of ice, so different compared to the warmth that had been running through our veins the night before. Right now he was a shivering, embarrassed little kid.
I thought of these difficult moments as heartbreaking, yet necessary. They kept happening once in a while to remind me that life wouldn't be easy, that our situation wasn't ideal or anything similar to most couples'. I was Frank's boyfriend, yes; but as much as that concept scared me, sometimes I had to play the father role too. Even if Frank had his real dad now, I was still the one who spent the most time with him. However, what could have been a burden for many, was an honor for me. Something I didn't want to ever be exempted from.
"G-gee?" he called me after I had tucked him in and added an extra blanket.
"What's it, Frankie?"
"Y-you're not mad th-that...that I m-made you stop l-last night?" he asked. His pupils individually wandered around messily until setting on their usual spot, at the inner corners of his eyes.
"Again with that, babe? You said you wanted to try, and we did. It doesn't matter if we didn't go on with it. I don't need us to actually make love, we don't have to. Last night was wonderful, I loved it and I love you. "
"M-me too, b-both things!" he grinned.
"I'm a thing?"
"H-handsome thing! M-my thing!" he gave me a quick hug and a kiss on my cheek, then buried himself back under the bedclothes.
The rest of the week went by slowly and without surprises. Frankie appeared to have forgotten about our first attempt at sex. He was happy to just carry on with our usual way to demonstrate our love. Honestly, so was I. Maybe it was because I felt more comfortable with what was secure. I knew what Frankie liked, how far I could go, I knew I wouldn't hurt him. I didn't need to be permanently thinking, it allowed me to be relaxed and give myself in to the shared pleasure. I could definitely live with it.
Anthony phoned Frankie every day as he had promised, and they'd have really long conversations. I preferred to leave the room. Hearing Frankie tell his dad what we did together wasn't exactly pleasing. It wasn't a bad thing, though. I didn't want to hide anything from Tony, and hearing it all from his son was the best way to convince him and Greg that they hadn't been wrong when they accepted me as Frankie's boyfriend.
The same I feel controlled from two fronts -three if you counted my mother, which kept me on edge. Grace had never stopped checking on Frankie either. Anyway, there was one more positive side to all of this: I could perceive from Frank's reactions while on the phone that both his father and his old nurse were satisfied with what he informed them and they had never reproached me about anything when talking to me.
The new week did bring something special, since Tony would stay with Frank for the first time. It was, perhaps, this important occurrence that caused this impulse to grow on me. I had been postponing it for so long that I couldn't quite point out why I'd suddenly woken up that morning with the decision already made. I had yet to prepare breakfast, but instead I found myself dialing my mother's cellphone number.
"Gerard! Good morning, son. Why are you calling this early? Is there something wrong?" her alarmed voice welcomed me through the speaker, and I considered a change of plan. I considered it but shrugged it off, I had to do what I intended to.
"Uh...no mom, we're both fine, don't worry. Do you have time?"
"Well yes, right now I'm at the hospital's cafeteria so..."
"Ok..." I took a deep breath. "First of all please believe me when I say I didn't keep on investigating after I was shot, I didn't, I swear! I'd already found out the name of Frank's dad before that, but I never told you anything because there was no way to find him -I'll explain why later- so I forgot about it but then...then one day I saw that his band would be playing here in town and I know, I know you'll say I risked too much but I had to go see him 'cause he couldn't live all his life thinking his son was dead!" I gasped for air after having puked out my words one after another.
"Gerard you mean you...what?"
"No, mom, let me finish or I never will." I cut her off. "I went to see Anthony -that's his name- and told him everything and he didn't believe me at first of course, but then he did when he realised how much I knew and fuck, mom! That guy has suffered so much! He thought he had his son's ashes in a damn box! And so we met again some other day and we talked a lot, and I consulted Goldberg about it and then Frankie met his dad without knowing he was his dad and only the next time we told him and yeah, things were a little hard but...but now everything's fine and Anthony's a good guy and they get along well and I promise we're doing things right so please don't be mad at me, mom. I know I should have told you but now there's no reason to worry because everything's fine, ok?" I finished my monologue and hung up, I didn't dare hear what she thought of it all. I got scared. Right after that the telephone rang, but I ignored it.
When Anthony arrived, I let him know that I had told my mother about him. He had been insisting for weeks that I ought to do it, that it was only fair since Frankie was like a son to her and she had the right to know about something so big.
"What did she say?" he inquired, helping Frankie finish his breakfast. The boy had become much more docile throughout the months, although he was still slightly apprehensive to let any other person than me assist him when his hands would give him trouble to eat. It made him feel embarrassed. Even with Ray it depended on the day. But he hadn't argued when Tony sat on the next chair, took the spoon from him and began to feed him.
"I didn't give her time to say anything, I just...hung up." I confessed. Tony let out an annoyed sigh.
"You did what?"
"I cowered, ok? I'll call her during my lunch break."
"You better. It's your mother, Gerard!" he said.
"M-my mom too, n-now. I w-want her to kn-know 'bout my d-dad, Gee." Frankie added, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.
"Hey, don't be a pig, you have a napkin there!" I showed it to him. "And Donna knows already, don't worry."
"Your boyfriend's a chicken, that's what happens." Iero told him, the two of them laughing at me. I deserved it.
"So, Tony...things you need to know." I began with my seemingly neverending list of instructions, warnings, advices and any detail that I thought he needed to know for Frank to be safe with him. "...and please, please even if he cries that he's hungry don't let him have snacks at any hour. It's not to be mean and I already told him that I don't care whether he's thinner, fatter or whatever. The doctor said we need to watch what he eats a little more. On the top shelf to the right of the cupboard there are some cereal bars. If he gets too insistent, give him one of those or an apple. Cookies only later with his milk and..."
"Gerard..." Anthony's hand was placed over my mouth. "I know, we'll be fine. Now breathe, kiss Frankie, and leave already 'cause you're late. Geez, boy, I've never known anyone who talked this much!"
"Well, 'cause I've been told the same thing way too many times..." I chuckled before properly -and physically- telling Frankie my 'see you later'.
"Enough, enough for the occasion, boys!" Anthony made us separate our mouths with a pop. "No, don't give me that look, I'm not on protective dad mode...you're really late, Gerard."
"Ok, ok! Frankie, you..."
"I kn-know... behave. G-go or...or S-sarah will kick y-your ass! I...I'll be g-good, yes." Frank nodded and dragged me towards the door, closing it behind me before I could have time to say more.
The whole time at work I was utterly distracted. This was an important test for Anthony, and not only as a father. I actually had no doubt about him taking care of Frankie; he loved his son and would protect him with his life. It was the other, less obvious part of the test which worried me, the one that if not passed could be tragic for Frankie and me: the trust test. Did I trust Anthony enough to be certain that he wouldn't escape with Frank? Had I done the right thing leaving them alone? Without giving it much thought and only paying attention to my hunch, the answer to those questions had been an outright 'yes'. Now that the moment had arrived, that I'd be out of home for eight hours, it was decidedly harder to keep the fears away. I had even left them the keys of the house just in case they needed to go out! What was I thinking? How could I have been so reckless?
To make things worse, my mother called and texted me practically every hour. I ignored everything coming from her number. How could I maintain my 'everything is alright' speech when I wasn't that sure myself anymore? I would have turned my phone off if that didn't disconnect me from home. I thought of calling Anthony and Frank to ask if everything was alright and put my mind at ease, but somehow I refrained. I needed to trust a little more.
******
In spite of having seemed eternal, my work time did come to an end. Desperate to get home, I was going to catch a cab when I realised it was a stupid and pointless waste of money, all because of my rather unreasonable worries. Or weren't they unreasonable?
About two blocks away from my house, what I spotted made me feel silly for torturing and frightening myself for so many hours. Across the street and heading home just like me were Anthony and Frankie, walking hand in hand with huge smiles on their faces. As I watched them, I noticed how the man's chest seemed broader with pride, his eyes brighter with happiness, his voice softer with emotion while they pointed at trees or flowers and he told Frankie the names. He looked complete. Frank was as happy as he looked when with me; half walking, half skipping, balancing the plastic bag in his hand. There wasn't a single spark of jealousy in me because that was a different happiness, a different love that all of us needed and Frankie was only now discovering. He'd had some samples, people who had done all within their reach to offer something close to the love he didn't get from his mother, but he had never experienced fatherly love.
I wasn't going to disturb their moment, but Anthony saw me and waved in my direction. "Gerard! Pretending not to know us?" he joked. I crossed the street and Frankie ran to me, his arms soon hanging from my neck as we kissed.
"How was your day?" I asked them, the three of us continuing on our way.
"G-good! I...I h-helped him cook and...and we watched c-cartoons and d-drew and read a b-book. An-and then he t-took me to a t-toyshop and l-look!" he raised the bag. "H-he let me ch-choose whatever I w-wanted!"
"I just...I know it's not necessary, but it's one of the things I'd always dreamed of doing with my son." Tony rushed to explain, maybe afraid that I would think he was somewhat buying his son's affection.
"I know."
"This boy's unbelievable, so concerned about others. He refused to pick more than one thing, he said he knew I didn't have much money, that toys weren't that important and he had a lot anyway." he kissed his son's head, once again losing his frequent battle against tears.
"Yeah, I guess Grace did a great job raising him." I commented.
"I bet you also did a lot during these months. Frankie had never known this kind of...personalized attention before, and it surely had to make a difference."
"I like to think it did, he surely made a huge difference to me." I uttered.
******
"S-see what he b-bought me! S-so cute!" Frank searched inside the bag once we were back home. I was surprised that he had contained his excitement for so long. The chosen toy was an action figure of Donkey from Shrek. It was fairly big, covered in a plushy material and had every detail to make it identical to the original. Legs, head, and tail were articulated.
"Oh wow, it's awesome!" I exclaimed. I was a sucker for those kind of toys too, and even nowadays I'd sometimes stop by the toyshops' windows to drool at the action figures. "But Tony...these aren't exactly cheap."
"Don't worry about it, I got an important site up some days ago and they paid more than usual. This was one of my prioritized investments at the moment." he declared with the seriousness of a business man.
"You're hopeless, Anthony." I shook my head.
"Yes, but aren't you too for this little gentleman here?"
"M-me? A...a g-gentle-man?" Frankie laughed.
"A mini-one." his father replied.
"S-sounds like a s-superhero! H-here comes G-gentle-Man!" he jumped on my back and I would have fallen on my face if Anthony hadn't been there to keep me in place. "Oh...G-gee, mommy D-donna called. T-told me to tell y-you to c-call her. Uh...th-that sounded weird...b-but yeah."
"Thanks, babe, I'll call her in a while."
"You didn't yet?" Anthony frowned.
"I...I did but she was busy, then I ran out of batteries." I lied.
"Don't forget, please. I didn't want to talk to her until knowing that she approves of me, you know? I made Frank tell her that Ray was in the bathroom, but I hate lying to a worried mother..."
"I will, I swear I will."
I didn't. I didn't call my mother back that night or the following morning. I kept my cellphone off and ignored every phonecall coming from her house and even Mikey's cell -just in case she had told him. My brother's rage was worse to face than my mother's. Every elapsed minute I felt guiltier for not getting in touch, but at the same time more afraid of how they could react to my calling one day later. I knew I should do it more sooner than later, but I kept procrastinating.
******
My mother was supposed to be working for the rest of that day, so I wasn't expecting what happened. I wasn't prepared and it was a real shock when I opened the door -back from the store- and found her comfortably sitting on the couch, drinking tea and eating cookies with Anthony and Frank.
"Gerard!" Tony was the first one to talk, and he didn't seem pleased. "You, sir, told me you'd called your mother and everything was fine. Then today she shows up deadly worried because you haven't answered her calls since yesterday morning! What were you thinking?"
"I know...I'm sorry." I addressed him and then my mother. "I was scared, mom. I knew you'd be furious that I kept this from you and...I'll explain everything now."
"It's not necessary, Anthony already did. I came here earlier hoping Ray would talk to me... since you weren't. " she spoke angrily.
"Y-yep! I h-helped dad tell her b-but..but th-then they t-told me to stay h-here and they w-went to the k-kitchen so d-dunno what they said th-there. B-but Donna wasn't so an-angry when they c-came back, n-nope." Frankie's report calmed me down a little bit.
"And...what do you think, mom? Again, sorry but..."
"Right now I'd slap you, or better spank you like when you were a little kid. I'm tired of you hiding things from us, son, very tired. I understand you not wanting to tell your father everything. You don't see him too often so it's reasonable that you wouldn't want to cause an argument when you have a chance to be with him. But what about me and your brother? What about your best friend? Are we not supportive enough? Are we so bad that you have to fear us?"
"No...I don't know why I do it...I guess I'm afraid that you'll worry too much and keep me from doing what I need to do..." I whispered, holding Frankie as if he was my comfy teddy bear.
"Look, Gerard; only one thing will save you from the humiliation of being spanked by your mother at 23, and it's that Anthony's a sweetheart. You know I have a sixth sense for this, and I've only perceived good intentions in this man. Besides, Frankie likes him very much so that's another great sign."
"You're not mistaken." I agreed.
"Do you wanna make me blush now?" Tony protested. "Isn't it enough with having me nearly dehydrated from so much crying?"
*******
It took my mother some days to go back to her usual lovely self with me. I let things follow their course because her anger had been justified.
The following day, she spent some hours with Frankie and Tony again. According to her, it was to get to know Iero better, but her natural need to supervise sure had something to do with it. As much as mom had liked Anthony, she opined that I should have waited a little longer to let him stay alone with Frankie. She agreed, though, that it would have been too hard to tell him no when he had been the one to propose it. Therefore, she watching over them gave us both some peace of mind.
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