Frankie wasn't listening, didn't register us. He screamed no more words, only cried out frightened. His eyes were wide open and surveying it all, but he didn't appear to be there. I had never seen him lose himself this much over his fear of loud noises. We didn't know how to help him overcome that fear, nobody was certain of where it came from. We had theories, but Goldberg hadn't been able to find out the truth so far.
"I...I swear I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry Gee I..." Mikey eyed me, freaking out.
"I know Mikey, it's ok." I patted his back. "Frankie...Frankie baby, everything's fine now, can you hear me?"
"Frankie? Son, you're scaring us..." Anthony tried to hug him, but Frankie's body was stiff, glued to the wall and immovable. A terrified little bird. Grace didn't succeed either. The boy's mind had closed down, it was too far away. Something deeper, stronger, had been triggered this time, whatever the cause. Was it the song, the situation? Was this just meant to happen? All I knew is that I wanted him to stop screaming and notice us.
" I did this." Mikey made us apart. "It's my fault, let me try again."
He was deeply scared and couldn't help crying while he took Frank's face in between his hands and forced it up. "Frankie...shhh, please look at me, look at Mikey..." he raised his voice so Frank would hear him over his own screams, still keeping it gentle and soothing. He continued to talk to the boy in that same tone, always in contact with him; running thin fingers though his hair or rubbing his arms. Mikey wasn't exactly comfortable doing this, but he cared for Frankie and felt guilty. At first he got the same null result as us, until Frankie gradually stopped screaming and focused on the face in front of him. "That's it...everything's fine, we're all here for your birthday party, remember? Bob and Ray were gonna dance..."
"Y-yeah...dance..." Frankie babbled.
"Yes, dance! Frankie...if you forgive me, I'll dance with them." I thought my ears were deceiving me when I heard Mikey say that.
"I...I f-forgive you..." Frank smiled shakily. "G-go play that s-song but...but low, k-kay?"
"Kay!" Mikey shook his hand, satisfied and relieved.
"Let's sit at a better place so we can watch them." Tony picked up his son and they both sat on the couch, ready for the show.
To see Ray, Bob and Mikey dance to Y.M.C.A. was one of the funniest things I'd witnessed in my life. Red as a tomato, Ray performed all the obligatory moves way better than the other two, proving that it wasn't his first time. Bob -who hadn't been born to dance- was too amused to even care that he was making a fool of himself. Mikey, preoccupied with helping Frankie feel better, did his best and laughed his clumsiness off. After the song was over and we all applauded them, Frankie demanded a repetition so he could join them.
"Are you sure you feel fine to dance, babe?" I questioned. He didn't look so flush and short of breath as before, but was still visibly shaky.
"Y-yep, great!"
"Well, go then!" Anthony encouraged him. "Birthdays are made to have fun!"
"Show us what you can do!" Grace cheered. Ray and Mikey weren't exactly thrilled with the second round petition. Alicia and Bob had to push them back to the 'stage' while none other than Victor rewound the cassette and replayed the song.
Frankie didn't have the needed coordination to follow moves, form letters with his arms in the correct direction, or even copy the others in time. Anyway, he didn't let that dishearten him. Since he only wanted to have fun, he did what he could and laughed all the time. We ended up having a third round that we all took part of.
By the end of the party I was sitting on the floor chatting with Anthony and the band, the couch being occupied by a sleeping Frankie. He was sprawled on his back, his blue costume in disarray and a hand over his larger-than-ever stomach. He had eaten far more than we'd usually permit him, which was only fair taking the special date into consideration. Mikey and Alicia were also passed out on the smaller couch, her thin frame lost in my brother's broad feathery attire. Ray and Bob had excused themselves a little earlier, saying they preferred to go home before tiredness knocked them out too. My mother and Grace were in the kitchen washing the dishes.
"Oh Gerard, before I forget!" Anthony semi whispered. "You know what Frankie said about being too old for school?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, I've been looking up something about it, mostly over the Internet and I also asked some people. It seems it might be hard to find vacancies for those kind for schools at this time of the year..." he elaborated on.
"With 'those kind of schools' you mean..."
"Yes, special schools. As much as we love him and are proud of him, we can't ignore the fact that he's very behind, he has a third grade level as much...and that if we forget about maths. Of course, they wouldn't admit him to a regular school with 8-year old kids."
"I guess not..." I concurred.
"And...I don't think one of those schools for adults who couldn't study when they were kids would be a good environment for him or that they'd have enough patience. What's more, he's surrounded by enough adults already. It'd be good if he could make some friends. Friends more...similar to him."
"Yeah, I think you're right." I agreed. It could be great for Frankie to have some specialized help to learn and be able to interact with others. "So there's nothing for now?"
"I still have to keep searching, but at least regarding to public schools....it seems like it won't be easy. We also have to look for something close enough, and there are only a few. Private schools are not an option for us at the moment, I already checked. Fucking expensive!"
"Fuck..."
"Don't worry, at worst we'll have to wait until the next school year." Tony smiled. "But just in case and before I keep on searching, I'd like you to talk to Frankie and ask him if he'd really like to go to school. Try to find out what's his idea about schools. Maybe he dreamed of going to a regular one, you know? So...tell him what kind of school he'd be attending, I wanna be sure that he'd be ok with that."
"Don't you wanna ask him yourself?"
"I think it'll be better if you do, he trusts you more when it comes to going somewhere else..." he shrugged. I found myself suddenly laughing when I thought of how weird it was to be discussing such important matters with a pirate while dressed as a vampire myself. And I still thought Anthony looked hot, which made it worse.
"What's so funny?" he inquired, staring at me like I had lost my mind.
"Us?" I simply replied. He brought a hand up to his wig and exploded in laughter.
"Oh my God, you're right! I'd forgotten that I was dressed like this for a moment!"
"You two are odd, you know that?" Travis chuckled from the other side of the room.
"Must be the gay factor." Jake added. "Paul's as odd as them."
"Straight guys need to loosen up, that's the problem." the addressed manifested.
"Wise words, matey, wise words!" Tony raised his cup like a drunk man, only that it contained Coca Cola. All the same our conversation had turned into a drunken one, which reminded me that I hadn't felt the urge to drink alcohol at all lately. Was I over it at last?
"Gerard, why don't you boys go home? You have work tomorrow and that old couch's not comfortable for Frankie to sleep on." my mother spoke from the kitchen's door.
"Isn't he gonna want to stay here with Grace?" I doubted. Even if I would miss him deadly, I was prepared to let him stay.
"I say you go home and have a good sleep." Grace intervened. "Tell Frankie I'll be there after lunch."
"You sure?"
"Yes, Gerard." mom puffed. "If Frankie stayed someone would have to sleep on the couch, and as I said...it's not a recommendable experience."
"Ok, then! See you tomorrow, Grace...and again, it was awesome to meet you!"
"Ditto! You're an incredible boy, Gerard, and Frankie a lucky one." she gave me a hug.
"I'd say it's the other way round..." I corrected her before marching behind Tony, who had Frankie in his arms all wrapped up in a blanket.
Once he had laid him down on the backseat of my car, I went to say good night to the whole pirate crew that was waiting for me in the porch. Every one without exception gave me a hug and told me it had been a wonderful night.
"May the good wind blow your sails!" I heard Greg call as I got into the car. They were all nuts, one of the reasons that made it easier to love them. You never got bored if they were around. Even Victor could be funny when he left the tough guy pose aside.
**************
I sat Frankie on the edge of the bed to free him from his bird costume and change him into his pajamas, but he'd keep falling backwards or to the sides like a rag doll. He was absolutely exhausted after a night of fun, surprises and frights.
"G-grace?" he rasped groggily, looking around him in evident confusion. Puppy barked and tilted his head, finding his owner's poor state funny.
"We're home, Frankie, you were asleep when we left. Grace stayed at mom's, she said she'll come visit us tomorrow."
"Ahh, k-kay." he mumbled, his eyes closing. "An-and the g-gnomes and the little p-people? B-bringed them here, G-gee?"
"Honey...they're not real, remember?" although it was maybe not the best moment to argue, I was supposed to remind him of that. "But here's Puppy!"
"Oh...t-true...yeah..." Frankie picked up the dog and cradled him dearly. He loved the little pet and took very good care of him, being certainly more responsible for it than I was.
"You really saw them there, babe?" He had been hallucinating less those last two months. He would sometimes hear the voice in his head if he was too tired or nervous, or see something once in a while; but he didn't interact as much as he used to and it would never last. This night, on the contrary, he had incorporated his imaginary friends at the party, dancing and talking to them. Back then I couldn't conclude if he was seeing them for real or just playing around because he missed them. He didn't seem to be playing now.
Frankie appeared to awake after hearing my question. He casted a glance over the whole room, stopping at a spot on the floor beside me. He bit his thumb nervously, his eyes pacing between whatever he was seeing and me.
"I....y-yeah, saw th-them. Th-they were th-there 'cause...it was m-my birthday. In-invited them." he hesitantly confessed.
"Was it only tonight that you saw them so well, or it's been happening often?" I decided to go on since we were on the subject. Again, Frank vacillated. "You can tell me the truth, it's ok."
"Of-often." he neared his mouth to my ear, like he didn't want them to hear. "Th-they told me not to t-tell you 'cause...'c-cause then you'd w-worry and I'd have to t-take more p-pills. I...I d-don't want more p-pills, Gee. I'm f-fine. M-my friends don't b-bother me. N-nope...almost n-never, really! Th-they're good!"
"Oh no, love! I just wanted to know, I've told you that I don't mind you talking to them! Frankie...you don't need to hide anything from me. And you won't have to take any more pills than you do now as long as you feel okay. Just promise that you'll let me know if your head gets too messy or that voice annoys you too much."
"K-kay..." he nodded, releasing Puppy and lying on his belly to peep down at his 'mini-buddies'. "T-told you Gee d-didn't mind, s-sillies!"
The short conversation had made Frankie wide awake again. It took at least one hour of cuddling and recalling some memorable moments of the party to get him to sleep. He was really excited, euphoric, he couldn't believe we had organized a party just for him. Grace's visit had been the final perfect touch to turn the event into the best birthday of his life.
I contemplated the content smile that persisted on his rosy lips, for a while refusing to let go of the pacifying image. It was the clock on the nightstand what gave me the bad news, through those teasing numbers reading 3:30 am. I didn't have much time left until that machine from hell went off, so I obliged my mind to go blank and let sleepiness take over me.
Something pulled me out of my welcomed unconsciousness. I wasn't in all my senses to know the cause, but I did notice that it was still night, which meant I hadn't slept much. The bed was agitating and sheets and blankets had been drawn away from me. Frankie was screaming and crying while Puppy scratched at the closed door, scared. I turned on the light and saw that Frankie was asleep, evidently having a nightmare, anguish and fear on his face.
"N-no no please...p-please turn it off it's t-too loud...T-TOO LOUD!" At first it sounded like he was dreaming of what had happened earlier, but then he said something more that puzzled me. "H-he's little, s-see? Th-the...the b-baby's scared! S-STOP IT, HE'S C-CRYING! T-TOO MANY P-PEOPLE TOO T-TALL TOO LOUD AND...AND THE B-BABY!"
"Frankie...Frankie please wake up, it's just a dream!" I shook him gently. He kept sobbing and twisting. "FRANKIE WAKE UP!" I screamed, I couldn't stand to see him suffer like that. He opened his glassy eyes, sat up, and stared at me panting.
"H-HELP HIM, G-GERARD, PLEASE!"
CHAPTER 67
So shut your eyes,
kiss me goodbye,
and sleep...
Just sleep...
The hardest part's the awful things that I've seen.
"Sweety calm down, you had a nightmare." I hushed Frankie while rocking him slowly.
"B-but...but the b-baby's scared and...and...p-please..." he weeped. His eyes still looked weird, unfocused, as if he wasn't completely awake. I grabbed his face and whispered in his ear.
"Frankie, there's no baby, it was just a bad dream...look at me."
"Y-YES THERE IS!"
"No, only you and me...and Puppy. He got scared 'cause you were crying loudly, see?" I pointed at our small dog that was curled up against the door, ears folded back and eyes huge with fear. Frankie seemed to react then, hurrying off the bed and approaching the pet. Puppy drew back, hesitant.
"P-puppy...I won't h-hurt you, l-lemme pick y-you up? S-sorry I scared you. C-come, baby..." he called him softly, sniffing. Puppy perceived his owner's anguish. His fear subsided and that caring, silently understanding dog nature emerged. He stood on his rear paws, waiting for Frank to lift him.
"Bring him here." I patted the bed. Frankie got in and pulled the covers up to his waist.
"Ev-everything's fine, I'm s-sorry." he stroke Puppy's black fur. It was admirable and touching to see him taking care of his dog, to notice how good he was at it even when he was so dependent himself. Maybe that was Frank's secret: he empathized with this little stray dog, they had both been abandoned puppies. He knew how it felt, what the ones like them needed. Many times I'd catch Frankie talking to Puppy in the same way I talked to him when I wanted to comfort him, same words and tone. It appeared to work on the four-legged kid, too.
Suddenly, as he kept running his hand absently along the dog's back, Frankie began to cry again. Unstoppable tears falling without a sound while the boy took a walk inside his mind.
"Frankie...what's wrong?" I asked.
"N-nothing..."
"It doesn't look like nothing to me, you're crying." when my hand made contact with his hair he emitted a painful sob. I continued nevertheless, untangling some knots with my fingers.
"D-dunno why I'm c-crying, Gee. F-feel like c-crying...something h-here." he touched his chest.
"Is it because of the dream you had?"
"M-maybe..."
"Want to tell me what it was about? It sometimes helps..." I suggested, involuntarily watching the clock sideways. It was more than 5 am, but I'd rather go to work without having slept than leave Frankie like this. I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing he wasn't fine, anyway.
"D-dunno..."
"Don't you remember it?" It happened sometimes that you'd forget a nightmare and still keep the dreadful feeling.
"Y-yes..." he nodded and screwed his eyes shut, a pearly trail of accumulated tears surfacing. That dream couldn't have been a random one, Frankie wouldn't be in this state just because of any creepy dream. He didn't look scared but distressed, and the mention of loud music and many people had sounded alarmingly familiar.
"You mentioned a baby..." I helped him. Another nod and deep thinking, his mouth opening and closing several times before he found his voice.
"It...it w-wasn't a baby-baby. H-he was...he w-was a very l-little kid, like K-kevin." he mentioned a neighbor's 3-year old child. "B-but wasn't K-kevin 'cause Kevin has y-yellow hair. Th-this little kid h-had dark b-brown. Y-yeah."
"Where was he?" I guided him so he'd find it easier to organize his memories.
"I...I d-dunno...a house. Th-the baby was on a b-bed first and there was n-noise, much. H-he screamed f-for his mom. D-didn't say 'mom', j-just screamed but I kn-know he wanted his m-mom. Sh-she didn't come and...and th-the little kid fell f-from the bed..." Frank related, hiccuping. He stopped and looked at me, either doubting if he should go on or trying to remember how. The dream was sounding more and more like recollections to me. Was he that baby? Was that in the shelter and he missed his mom or...?
"What happened after the baby fell? Was he hurt?" I inquired. Frankie shook his head.
"N-nope, fell on h-his ass and...and h-had those things b-babies use? F-for pee and p-poo?" he searched for the word in his head, and at that moment a saw a little kid in front of me, perhaps the one from his dream.
"Diapers?" I threw.
"Y-yes, that! D-didn't hurt when he f-fell and...and he c-crawled out of the r-room. C-couldn't walk, he t-tried but f-fell again so he c-crawled." he swayed his body nervously, Puppy completely asleep on his lap.
"What happened then?" I kept asking, now worried besides interested.
"Th-there was so much n-noise. M-music and voices and l-laughs and screams. Th-the baby didn't l-like it, s-scared him but...b-but he wanted his m-mom so he went th-there..." he extended a finger to point as if he was seeing it all.
"There...where?"
"It...it w-was dark and smelled w-weird and th-there were many p-people dancing and t-talking and drinking and...and th-they were too t-tall for the b-baby. C-couldn't see the f-faces and he was m-making noises and l-looking for his mom b-but no one paid at-attention to him. Th-then he saw the sh-shoes." he looked up at me for the first time since he had started talking.
"His mom's shoes?"
"Y-yes. He t-tugged at her p-pants and she p-pushed him a-away and told him to g-go to sleep. H-he couldn't! T-too much noise and he w-was scared and all w-wet with pee!" Frankie raised his voice, desperate. "Th-then a man said s-something and the mom s-said something but I didn't know wh-what and they l-laughed and the m-man got on his kn-knees and talked to the k-kid and then laughed too l-loud. Th-the baby s-screamed 'cause he wanted the m-music to stop and he w-wanted the light on but...b-but he didn't kn-know how to s-speak and no one un-understood."
"Oh, God..." I muttered, now having no doubt that the dream was, indeed, memories from Frank's past, when he still lived with his mother. It seems that bitch used to have drunken parties with the child there, as one of our theories had been. Frankie kept on talking in between sobs and I couldn't tell whether he knew who the little kid in his dream was.
"Th-the baby screamed and s-screamed and then the m-mom hit his h-head and it hurt! Sh-she told him to sh-shut up but he c-cried, a l-lot and everybody l-laughed."
"That's when I woke you up?" I wrapped him in my arms, careful not to bother Puppy who was snoring peacefully.
"N-no, she...she g-gave the baby a...a paci, p-put it in his m-mouth all like...r-rude! It...it t-tasted bad so he s-spit-ted it and they all l-laughed again and the m-music was m-more louder and...and then d-dunno anymore." fighting to keep his sobs low, he opted for sinking his face into my shirt. Puppy raised his head befuddled and reached up to lick Frank's cheek.
I couldn't bring myself to tell my already traumatized boyfriend that the child was him. If he hadn't figured it out, I wouldn't be the one to say it. He was maybe better off thinking it was just a dream.
"It's ok, Frankie...I'm sure someone helped the baby." I kissed his forehead. I hoped it was true, hoped someone had rescued Frankie from the chaos all those times -supposing it hadn't occurred just once- and safely guarded him in his room.
"N-no 'cause...'cause th-they were all m-mean! Th-they laughed! P-poor kid was so l-little!"
"I know but...there are good people everywhere, someone had to help him, believe me." I insisted.
"Y-you think?"
"Yes, I can imagine a nice girl taking the baby to his room, changing his diaper, and tucking him in." I created a good ending for his dream.
"And...and th-they lower-ed the music?" Frank questioned. A small child interacting with a bedtime story.
"Of course, that girl reprimanded everybody and told them to put the volume down 'cause the baby needed to sleep."
"And th-the mom w-went to give him a g-goodnight kiss?" he smiled hopefully. Something just didn't let me lie and turn his mother into a good character. That could have never happened; not in that situation and probably in any.
"No, because...the baby fell asleep right away." I eluded. "You should do the same, it's very very late."
"Wh-what if...if I h-have ugly dreams ag-again?" he pouted.
"You won't, now you know it all ended well. You should forget that nightmare and think about your birthday party. The pirates, the van-ship...Ray, Bob and Mikey dancing!"
"Y-yeah, that's f-funny, I'm gonna d-dream of that." he expressed, determined to control his subconscious. It was feasible and Frank was undeniably stubborn, so he had high chances to achieve it. Just in case, I'd concentrate on the same images; holding him as close as humanly possible, our heads together in hopes of a happy result to counteract so much sadness.
By the time I fell asleep, I already had to get up. Frankie was exhausted. He took his pills without bothering to open his eyes and then his head collided back with the pillow. I still couldn't believe everything he'd been through during his short life. Disinterest, pain, rejection, mistreatment, abandonment, discrimination. Yet he wasn't resentful, bitter or distrustful. He never gave up on searching for love and acceptance. He believed in people, saw the bright side of everything. He was an example.
When Anthony arrived, I told him to let his son sleep until lunch, briefly explaining our restless night. His face changed and it showed rage, fists tightened and jaw clenched. For a while he cursed in between his teeth, next he cried helplessly repeating 'my poor baby' over and over.
"I can't understand Linda..." he finally externalized his thoughts. "There's no excuse for her behavior. See...for a long time I was as fucked up as she was, yet I'd have never neglected Frankie or treated him like she did. Not even in my worst moment, I know I wouldn't have. That's just..."
"I know, Tony. Drugs and alcohol can't justify all she did, I...I don't even know what to say either..." I hugged him.
"Sometimes...I'd kill her." he manifested in a whisper.
"Don't even think of it, she's not worth it." I said firmly.
******
When I returned home that afternoon, Grace was already there. I was a little bummed to see Frankie asleep again. I hadn't been able to talk to him so far and I missed it. I observed him snuggled in Grace's lap and felt like gathering him in my own arms. I wanted to kiss him, sense his warmth against my skin, look into those adorable eyes. I knew, however, that he needed his rest, so my urges would have to wait.
I had greeted the nurse and we'd been doing some small talk for some minutes when I realised Anthony wasn't anywhere in sight. "Where's Tony? At first I thought he was in the bathroom or something..."
"Oh, I forgot! He left a couple of hours ago, said I should spend some time alone with Frankie." she informed me. "It makes me infinitely happy to know Anthony's the boy's dad, we talked a lot and he's a great man. He loves Frank so much that his eyes fill up with tears every time he speaks about him!"
"Yeah, I think he still can't fully believe that Frankie's alive, it must feel like a dream to him." I assented. "You should have seen his face when Frankie was legally 'brought back to life'!"
"What that woman did is...I don't even have words for that..." she hissed, kissing Frankie's head. "Talking about legal stuff, do you have any news about all that?"
"The police contacted the procurator...who was just another victim of Linda's frauds. The only person under arrest up to date is...well, your ex boss. Although they might release him rather soon if proved that he was menaced and forced to declare Frank dead."
"Maybe I should testify for him, he's really not a bad man. And..." Grace continued in a whispered tone. "...I didn't know that he'd helped fake Frank's death, but I did hear that guy from the government threaten him to close down the institution years ago, when he told us to delete Frank's last name from all the records."
"Grace please, don't do anything for the moment, it's dangerous. At least wait until they catch...the culprits." I begged her. "Promise me, Frankie needs you."
"You're right, Frank's far more important than my ex-boss. I promise I'll stay put. But, the police...don't they have any clue about where those two are?"
"No, all the phones they've used are now out of service. Their last known address -according to the procurator- was a hotel, and Linda's name is not registered anywhere. There's no property under her name other than the one her mother left her, and of course she's not there."
"Damn! She must have changed her name."
"Yes, either that or her man puts everything under his, which we don't know. The police are still trying to find that out." I chuckled. "I see it a little impossible, honestly."
"Motherfuckers!" Grace exclaimed, becoming carried away by indignation. Frankie jumped and opened his eyes.
"Uh? Wh-what happened? Wh-who's a m-mother-fucker?" he squinted and winked until he regained focus, a smile rapidly forming on his lips. "G-gee!
"Hello, baby!" I extended my arms and he flew towards me, sending me down on my back.
"L-love you and m-missed you so f-fucking much!"
"Hey, Frankie? Remember I'm here!" Grace joked.
"On-only gonna kiss h-him, no o-other boyfriend th-thing 'til you l-leave, promise!" Frankie did as he said, letting me feel all I had been yearning for. Lips, hands around my neck, warmth. Eyes staring right into my soul when he withdrew.
"Are you asking me to leave, then?" the nurse seemed to be used to teasing Frank, healthily mocking him about every-day situations like we all did with our family.
"N-no! P-please stay for d-dinner? G-gee and I will be g-good!"
"I know you will, but I can't invite myself..." the nurse pointed out, her clear irises sparkling. She had no make-up on this time; and her wavy, shoulder-length hair was only fastened back with a blue elastic band. Her features were delicate, the lines on her face only adding extra guilelessness and friendliness. She was one of those people who shined.
"You wouldn't be inviting yourself, Frankie did. This is his house as much as mine." I corrected her. "And it'll be an honor for me too."
"Y-yes!" Frankie stood and hopped on the couch, making us both bounce. "It...it's my h-house too and you'll s-stay 'cause...'cause y-you're one of m-my two moms and I s-said so!"
"I guess I can't decline such an invitation!" Grace laughed, wiping a tear away. There were only two moms for Frankie, and they were called Grace and Donna.
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