"It's...it's nothing too important, Frankie..." I stammered. At that moment I wasn't thinking about Frank's condition, that wasn't the reason why I found it so hard to speak. I was just like any boy confronted by his boyfriend and impelled to talk about his ex who had somehow reappeared in his life. Not easy.
"Y-you lie! It...it's impor-tant 'cause you w-were screaming and c-cursing. T-tell me? W-won't get angry 'c-cause you...you t-told him you d-don't love him. If...if you h-had told him you l-loved him I'd be angry 'c-cause you're my b-boyfriend. And...and I'd k-kick your ass...and the l-little people would at-attack you...badly!" he said all that with the most serious expression.
I realised that it didn't matter how odd or bizarre our conversations could sound to onlookers. We were, in essence, like any other couple. We could trust each other. I might have to be careful, choose my words and make them simple; but I knew Frankie was able to understand and he had the right to know what was going on.
"Oh, good that I'm safe then, 'cause it sounds painful!" I acted alleviated and he giggled, glancing sideways at the coffee table.
"N-no no, go a-away. T-told you he d-didn't do anything b-bad and we're h-having an im-important talk here! F-fuck!" he waited, his eyes following what I couldn't see to the corridor. "G-gee, you can t-talk now."
"Okay. Back then when you asked and I told you about Gabriel, I hadn't seen him again since we broke up."
"H-he lives far a-away?"
"No, but I'd never found him in the street or anything." I shrugged.
"Ahh..."
"Oh, wait...yes, I saw him once. He was with a girl who wanted to kiss him, and he didn't look too happy." I recollected.
"Wh-why?"
"Because...Gabriel tells everybody that he likes boobs, but it's a lie." I simplified.
"Th-that's so s-silly! If...if you d-don't like boobs, you d-don't like boobs and it's o-okay. L-lying is bad. "
"And you're right, but he's stupid."
"Wh-what else?"
"One day when I left the store, he was waiting for me." I disclosed. Frankie arched his eyebrows in surprise. After that he became abstracted, inflating his cheeks and with that kind of look that is blind even if the eyes are open.
"When?" he queried. "Y-you never t-told me..."
"I know, baby. It happened soon after those guys shot me in the arm." I wasn't keen on that subject, I knew it frightened Frankie. I just wanted him to understand why I hadn't mentioned my encounter with Gabriel. "You'd been too nervous and scared, and then you got your medication increased. Goldberg said you needed to be calm, that's why I didn't tell you."
"Oh..." I could tell Frank was confused, making a big effort to pay attention and understand. "...and wh-what he wanted?"
"He knew I was with somebody -I mean, that I had a new boyfriend..."
"M-me!" he jumped and raised a hand.
"Yes, you!" I laughed, mentally thanking his interruptions because they made the conversation less rigid. "He knew and he was jealous, so he started telling me that he still loved me and wanted us to be boyfriends again..."
"Wh-what? AS-ASSHOLE! B-but...but NO! H-he was bad and d-didn't want his f-family to know you w-were his b-boyfriend and...and that he w-was gay and he's s-stupid 'cause being g-gay is not bad! Y-you...you're MY B-BOYFRIEND NOW!" he screamed, waving his hands so violently that I had to move back so he would not hit me.
"Frankie..."
"N-NO, BUT...!"
"Frankie, calm down! It was like two months ago and of course I told him no!" I seized his arms and shook him gently.
"Y-you did?"
"Ain't I with you?" I brought to notice.
"Y-yeah...but in m-movies some p-people have two b-boyfriends or girl-friends..."
"Not me, I only love you and don't want anyone else. That's what I told Gabriel. Well, that and to fuck off." I grinned.
"Awww l-love you too! And wh-what you t-told him was g-good!" he kissed me satisfied, then meditated once again. "Wh-why you bitched at h-him on the ph-phone today? H-he bothered you ag-again? W-want me to k-kick his ass?"
"Uh...that's more complicated, love." I wished I could skip that part.
"T-tell me?"
"You know when the police came and they took us to the station and all that mess?" I decided to make it simple yet direct.
"Y-yes..." Frank was even more confounded now.
"Gabriel was the one who told them to do that..."
"F-FUCKING ASSHOLE! WH-WHY SO M-MEAN!" he discharged his frustration on a cushion, punching it and wringing it.
"Because he was jealous and angry at me and...he's an idiot."
"H-how he knew I'm s-special? 'C-cause the police-men kn-knew so...you t-told Gabriel?" he manifested one of those conclusions that I didn't think he could come up with. I realised that many times I somehow underestimated Frank. He required more patience and time, which didn't mean he was incapable.
"I swear I didn't, that was not any of his business. However, I saw him a couple of times when we were at the park and I guess he heard us talking and..." it hurt to continue. "...he must have noticed you...were 'special'."
"Ah." he sighed and slid his finger under his glasses, wiping his eyes before the tears fell. "G-gee?"
"Yes?"
"I s-sound like...l-like a retard, right?" he mumbled against my shirt.
"Frank!" I said firmly, obliging him to look at me. "I've told you millions of time to never use that word. It's wrong. No one should be called that, no matter what illness they have, how they speak or how smart they are. It's a horrible word and it only makes people feel sad, you understand?"
"Y-yeah but...but ev-everybody..."
"I don't care what everybody says, ignore them, you're better than them, you're a good person and I don't want you to use that word, not even on yourself. Even less on yourself!"
"K-kay." he nodded frantically.
"Forget about Gabriel, I already punished him." I didn't want Frank to dwell again on how people could tell he had mental problems. There wasn't any other positive thing to tell him about it, we could only deal with it.
"H-how?"
"I called his dad and told him that I had been his son's boyfriend and Gabriel had lied about having a girlfriend so they wouldn't know he was gay." I admitted pridefully. Frankie took some seconds to think over my words.
"Ex-explain what you d-did again...more s-slow?" he requested shyly.
"Of course! Sorry baby, I talk too much and too fast!"
I presented Frankie with a more detailed, decelerated version of my phone retaliation. He loved it and considered that Gabriel deserved it. First, for being an asshole and second, for being silly and not telling his parents that he was gay. Frankie professed that being gay was awesome.
"Today," I arrived to the final point. "he called me to say how mad he was at me for what I did. So, now you know why I bitched at him like that, what he did first was so much worse!"
"Y-yes! L-lemme kick his ass?"
"Maybe some day, yeah! Oh, and I told him that I don't love him because well, I don't, and that I wanted him to stop bothering me. I think he got it now."
"If...if he d-does again you t-tell me, kay? S-stop hiding things f-from me, G-gerard! I'm y-your boyfriend and g-gotta know so I c-can kick asses...uh...m-maybe." Frank reprimanded me.
I knew I should have acted guilty because hell, he was right! But...how could I? He was endearing, making his voice graver for a more menacing effect. I just wanted to kiss him.
"A while ago you asked me how you sounded. My answer is that you sound sweet, adorable, unique and...like someone who wants to be kissed." I dived forward before he could protest or object. The avid response I got from his lips showed no signs of disapproval.
"S-still kinda m-mad..." he breathed in my ear. His body and actions disagreed.
CHAPTER 69
Yesterday,
all my troubles seemed so far away,
now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
As much as the desire was there and our heated make out session was bound to end up turning into more, we couldn't go too far. One moment we were prisoners of a temporary amnesia; blinded by passion, hands and lips everywhere while we got lost in our own world. The next one we were grinning nervously at Grace; panting through our swollen mouths, keeping our bodies close so that she wouldn't notice just how happy we were.
"Uh...I didn't hear any more voices so I...came to check if you had finished talking and everything was fine and..." she spoke rapidly, her eyes shifting from us to any random spot. "...I see you're...doing great."
"Yeah...we...are fine, thanks." I could feel the blood rushing to my face with my embarrassment, fighting to get those words out at the same time that Frank's hips bucked against mine.
Although Grace left the room, I didn't think it was correct to continue with our affair there now that she knew what we were up to. I wouldn't even be able to concentrate. However, I was too worked up to just let it cool down. I looked into Frankie's eyes and had the certainty that I wasn't the only one.
"N-nooo don't l-leave I...uh..." he caught my arm as soon as I got off the couch, whining pleadingly while his other hand automatically moved down to supplant the missing friction.
"You're coming with me, let's go take a shower." I winked. Frank first glanced at me like I was crazy, voicing that he wanted -no, needed- to make love first. He changed his mind when I whispered my second intentions and he followed me to the bathroom with shaking legs. Once the door was closed and the water running to isolate us from the world -Grace- we finished what we had previously started.
Fresh and clean but a little worn out, we walked into the kitchen hand in hand to find Grace with Frank's pills ready. She also had dinner half prepared.
"Here you are, Frankie. Maybe I should give Gerard a pill too, so you would both calm down." she stared at me seeming more serious than ever. She was definitely mad.
"We...." I gulped, unable to go on. I perfectly understood that she must have felt uncomfortable with our behavior and of course, Frankie couldn't be blamed; only I. However, when I was about to beg for forgiveness, Grace's severe expression faltered. She sputtered and began to laugh loudly.
"I was joking, Gerard!" was all she managed to say, though it was enough to help me loosen up and join the laughter. "You should have seen your face!"
Jokes aside, Grace still kept a certain control over us while possible. She accepted our relationship and had no real problem with it; she had dispelled all her doubts through the phone along the months. Nevertheless she was a mother; she felt Frankie as her son, her baby. It was understandable that she'd find it hard to get used to him being in love, to see him doing things she had never imagined him doing. On the other hand she was glad that Frank was leading a somewhat normal teenage life. For that reason I didn't mind the control, I was honored with Grace's presence and pleased with Frank's joy at having her with us.
******
The nurse would be leaving on Saturday afternoon, so we decided to have a 'family' lunch before she parted. Frankie, Grace, Anthony, Greg, my mom, Ray, Bob and me. Mikey excused himself saying that he and Alicia had a lot to study, but I guessed he'd witnessed enough displays of affection for a week. I laughed picturing the discussion he'd surely had with his girlfriend until she finally gave up and let him have his way.
The meal was, indeed, emotive. It was full of stories, experiences, tears and laughter. My eyes were drawn to Anthony at several times, contemplating him while he listened to Grace's narrations. Through her, the man was getting back some of the innumerable memories from Frank's childhood that he had missed. He was paying maximal attention to the details, asking lots of questions; now and then closing his eyes to recreate situations, places, faces. Borrowing Grace's mental snapshots, gathering them to later pretend that they were his own during those moments when the realization of the large amount of time lost was unbearable. He had told me. He had mentioned how sometimes the only way to help ease his mind and be able to sleep was to pretend -relying on made up memories- that he had seen his son growing up.
There were other moments when Tony would just look at Frank and smile, wide and spontaneously. The past erased in pursuit of a present and a future together.
******
Grace's parting wasn't easy for either her or Frank. We drove her to the airport and not even the sight of the planes -which would have otherwise had him highly hyperactive- served to distract Frankie. He clung to Grace the whole time, not looking at any other thing than her face. I could swear I heard the woman's heart break when my mother needed to remove the boy from her so she'd be able to board the plane.
"Please don't be that sad, kiddo...I'll call you lots of times and I promise we'll see each other again. You have a family now and they all love you lots. You know I have other kids to take care of there, some of them don't have anyone..." Grace kept rubbing her eyes, wiping away the tears that constantly clouded them. She forced a smile for the sobbing young boy, who also swept salty trails with the back of his hand.
"I...I kn-know, I c-can share you with...w-with the other k-kids. Y-yes, don't l-let the assholes h-hurt them or m-make them cry, k-kay?" Frankie gave Grace a breath-restraining hug and finally let her go with a tender, long kiss on the cheek.
"I won't, I'll kick their asses. You be a good boy and please, Frankie: be happy, you deserve it." with one more hug and kiss that were unwilling to end, Grace painfully turned her back; a quick look and a wave at us from the top of the stairway before she disappeared.
Frank kept quiet all the way back home, safely nestled in my mother arms; the kind of support he needed at that moment. We respected his silence and didn't try to interfere, though we were worried about how this would affect him.
Once again, he surprised us with his fortitude and recovered incredibly fast. After a mere hour -that he still spent with my mom without emitting a single sound- he was suddenly speaking of Grace with an honest smile on his lips. He explained to us why she couldn't stay longer and how much the other special kids needed her. Next, he enthusiastically invited us to play Nintendo with him, closing the sad chapter. Grace had told him to be happy, after all.
******
Another Monday arrived and we were back to our routine, the one I'd never complain about. Ray had showed up earlier than usual, so the three of us had breakfast together. Or well, we apparently were more than three at the table.
"Gerard...he's been doing that a lot, lately," Ray referred to Frankie, who was in a full conversation with some invisible being -or beings- in front of him. Talking, laughing, gesturing while he ate his cereal. "I especially noticed last Saturday. Don't you think that..."
"No." I replied dryly. "Don't start, Ray. I'm not gonna dope him up more, he takes enough shit already. He confessed that he was seeing his imaginary friends again so I gave him permission to talk to them. He's happy doing it, so why force him to hide it from us? That's what he was doing... Look Ray, if you feel uncomfortable with..."
"You know it's not that!" he exclaimed, lowering his voice when Frankie eyed us confusedly. "I don't mind him talking to his...friends. It's just that...are you sure it's good for him? Doesn't it drive him away from reality?"
"No it doesn't, it's just for moments and he knows they're not real. It hasn't changed the way he connects with us so far, he still stops and pays attention if you talk to him."
"Well, not always..." he was about to say something else but refrained. "Did you consult it with Goldberg at least?"
"Yes..." I paused when I caught the incredulous look that my friend showed me. "I'm not lying, Ray, I did ask him."
"What did he say?" he tried me. I pried at Frankie. He was giggling, covering the bowl with his arms and calling his friends 'non-existent food stealer assholes'. It was weird to admit it, but part of that compassion I had once felt for him and his troubled mind had been replaced by an ounce of jealousy. Sometimes I just wanted to be like him, see what he saw, understand one hundred percent what it was like.
"He said that Frankie's made some significant improvement in the way he communicates with people and even his reasoning has gotten a little better. However, all the changes and stress he's been through these last months since he left the institution...kinda worsened his condition -I'm talking about his schizophrenia. It's not something big and the symptoms might lessen again with time but...yeah, that." I explained.
"Poor kid." Ray mumbled. ".But didn't the doc suggest more medication?"
"Yes, but at the same time he said it's not strictly necessary as long as he feels okay. He also agreed that Frankie has the right to take part in some decisions about his own health."
"Well, that's true...though it might be a problem if he starts going to school, he could get too distracted."
"We'll deal with that when the moment comes." I shrugged. "I actually think that being busier and making some real friends will help him."
"You're right there." he smiled. "Sorry for intruding and giving my opinion like this, I know it's not my business, really..."
"No need to apologize, Ray. I'm just too jumpy when it comes to Frankie, but I know you mean well. It is your business. You take care of him and...aren't you his 'uncle'?"
"Y-yep you're my un-uncle and I love you, R-ray!" Frankie butted in with a mouth full of toast. "B-but don't be m-mad at Gee, I s-said no more p-pills, n-not his fault! I'm f-fine!"
"I know, Frankie. I'm not mad at Gee, promise." Ray kissed the top of his head as he passed by him to leave his own cup in the sink.
"K-kay!" Frank handed him his bowl. "F-finished, gonna d-draw now 'cause I...I t-told Mel I'd d-draw her."
"Frankie, can I ask you a question?" I told him when he was back with all the elements.
"Yep, wh-what?"
"Why don't you ever draw the gnomes or the little people?"
"Th-they..." he pointed over the table. "...don't w-want me to and..."
"Who is there? I can't see them, baby. Remember?"
"Ah...y-yeah." he seemed disappointed every time I'd remind him of that. "Th-the gnomes are h-here. D-dunno why they d-don't want me to d-draw them. I th-think 'cause they s-say I'm not g-good enough. B-but I don't c-care. Th-then the little p-people...they're a l-lot. Y-yeah, that. T-too many to d-draw and...and th-they're so little I c-can't see their f-faces well."
"How many are they?" Ray asked.
"D-dunno. T-too many too little to c-count!"
"And the gnomes? They're a lot too?" I inquired as I grabbed my bag.
"Uh...n-no...lemme c-count them. One...t-two...three...four...f-five...six...s-six gnomes, yep!"
"Oh, now you can feel like Snow White, Gerard!" Ray chuckled.
"He said they're six. " I emphasized.
"Frankie can be the seventh."
"N-no I can't!" he protested. "S-see any green p-pointy hat? Or...or b-big nose? Or...uh...m-my belly's not that b-big and I'm not th-that small!"
"Ok, ok, I got the differences!" Ray laughed.
"An-and Gee's not S-snow White, he's m-my prince!" Frankie abandoned his drawing and came to give me a good-bye kiss.
"Oh my God! Is it Cheesiness Day today or what?" my friend groaned.
I left for work in a very good mood, genuinely content with my life. It was far from perfect, but I had never searched for perfection. I wanted a purpose, something to make everything meaningful. I wanted to love and be loved. Now my life was nearly complete since I'd found it all in Frankie and plus, I had the best friends and family.
It was a gelid morning. The sun hadn't been up long enough to defreeze the air yet and I cursed myself for having forgotten my gloves. All the same the day was bright and the sky so blue that I didn't consider being confined to a car a good idea. I zipped my jacket up to my neck, sunk my hands deep into my pockets and walked; a steady yet not rushed pace. I had time.
The store was deserted -like it usually was at those hours- and Sarah was nowhere in sight. As I went straight to the back room where we left our belongings, a hand seized me by my sleeve to stop me.
"What the...?" I was face to face with the coworker who had been making fun of me since that time when he eavesdropped on me helping Ray with Frank's sex questions. I presumed he was bored and I was again his target. It felt like high school. "Brad, it's too early for your jokes..."
"Jokes? I precisely just found out that they weren't jokes." there was something different in the way he looked at me, he didn't appear to be amused but annoyed.
"Uh? What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with you, Way!" he retorted, confusing me more and more. "I already suspected that you were gay, so that part didn't surprise me and I don't care but...damn! I'd have never thought you were a pervert! Appearances deceive..."
"What the fuck are you talking about, Brad?" I pushed him off me. "This is not funny."
"Of course it's not funny! I'll tell you what I'm talking about: you've been unmasked, your lies just came to light!" he spat. I prayed it wasn't what I thought.
"I have no idea of what you're saying and I need to go work, so if you excuse me..." I attempted to enter the room but he stood in my way.
"No, I don't excuse you, no one will."
"Could you be clearer?"
"Ok. Someone called to let us know about the kind of piece of shit working with us. This person, said that Frank's not your brother...but your lover! How could you fool Sarah...and all of us for so many months, you sicko?" those words poured out of his mouth with that well known repulsion. How many times would I have to hear them? How many times would I have to defend myself against a crime I hadn't committed? More important, who had called? I could only think of one name: Gabriel. The fucker had took revenge over my revenge. Was he determined to ruin my life?
"What? NO!" I screamed. "I'm not a pervert and I didn't fool anyone! I didn't have a relationship with Frank when I started working here..." I hated my idiotic mouth...or my inability to think better before speaking.
"So, you're admitting that you do have one now. You keep an innocent, mentally ill kid as your lover!" he placed his open palm on my chest and pressed me against the door behind me. The guy seemed ready to punch me.
"He's not my lover, he's my boyfriend and he might be mentally ill but is not stupid, you don't even fucking know him enough to talk!"
"I do know him enough. When he visits the store he plays with the mobile, draws, sings and dances for us, asks a lot of questions and speaks like a kid. Don't come tell me that boy's mature enough to be in a relationship with you, please. " Brad spluttered with rage. I didn't know what to answer. My words were useless when confronted with facts. They were useless at least for everyone who hadn't seen the whole Frank, hadn't met his whole personality.
I wondered what I'd think if I saw things from the other side. Would I be that quick to judge? Would I give the person the benefit of doubt? Would I be willing to hear their side of the story? It was hard to know now, when I was on the blamed side. Besides, Frankie had taught me so much along those months that I had become a new, better person; more open-minded. But...would my old self have reacted like Brad did? If I couldn't answer that question, I couldn't exactly blame him.
"I'm not a perv, I'm not." I whispered defeated.
"Oh, so it seems you have nothing relevant to say, uh?" he shoved me for what felt like the hundredth time when I intended to escape his grip.
"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!" I shouted. I had forgotten our true location, for an instant I was back in school and he was the bully. I had never been one to resist the abuse in silence, though. You could beat me, but never shut me up.
"What's happening here?" Sarah chose the worst moment to make her entrance, watching aghast while her two employees cursed and pushed each other.
"I can tell you, Sarah." Brad let go of my shirt and straightened up.
"You have bullshit to say." I murmured so only he would hear it.
"No no, Gerard. It's not bullshit. For some reason I trusted this person who called and well, you weren't able to deny it, so..." he smirked. I was tempted to erase that fucking smirk off his face.
"What is it that he couldn't deny? Can you explain why you were fighting, boys?" Sarah's tone was as gentle as ever. I'd often try to picture her angry and it was nearly impossible. Now, I was about to cause that feeling in her and it hurt, it hurt to disappoint a person who had helped me so much.
"Someone called while you were busy and told me some interesting facts about Gerard. Frankie is not his brother, they live together but in a kind of...relationship, you know what I mean?"
"What?" Sarah gasped and brought a hand to her chest. "Are you sure it wasn't a joke? Did you hear right?"
"I'm sure, and Gerard couldn't deny it." he stopped and was pensive, acting shocked. "With little, innocent Frankie! He's sick."
"Shh." she hushed him and looked at me, fearful but hopeful. I knew what was coming and I would not lie again. "Gerard...is that true?"
"I...when I came here looking for a job I'd only known Frankie for three days. I found him in the street and didn't want the police involved. I was afraid of where he might end up, that's why I said he was my brother."
"Tell her the rest!" Brad instigated me.
"With time, Frankie and I fell in love with each other, he's my boyfriend." I stared truthfully at Sarah's eyes.
"Gerard, Frankie is like...a little kid. What are you saying?" she was nearly in tears.
"A little kid... and a boy!" Brad wasn't an homophobe -even though he loved to tease me for fun, but now I was the worst slag in his eyes. He was just testing the territory, throwing in hints that might add to Sarah's anger and disgust. He probably thought that all old women recoiled in horror at the idea of two men together.
"Oh...no, Brad. Wait there." she signaled him to let her speak and turned to me. "First of all, Gerard: don't think I have a problem with you being gay. I've worked with artists all my life and there are a lot of gay people inside this ambit; all wonderful, sweet people. So it's not that, but...Frankie?"
"He's not always like you th..."
"Why did you lie to me? You were so sincere about Frank's illness and then you hid all this? Gerard, I employed you when no one was doing it and treated you like a son. I can't believe this..." Sarah cried, shaking her head and avoiding my eyes. The damage was done, Gabriel had succeeded in destroying a part of my life. I had lost the first job I truly enjoyed.
"I only lied about him being my brother, and believe me when I say it was necessary. If then I hid the rest it was because I knew no one would understand. It's always the same. I'm so tired of being a monster in most people's eyes."
"Stop playing the victim, Way! What you're doing is like fucking a 10 year-old, for God's sake!" Brad yelled in my face.
That's when I had enough. I took a hold of his shirt with both hands and shook him violently, with bottled-up fury. I wanted to make him pay for every person who'd doubted me, I wanted to hurt him, beat him until he reasoned and listened to my truth. I had ran out of words, I was a mouse in a maze; desperate and dazed.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M NOT ABUSING HIM! YOU AND EVERYONE WHO THINKS THAT ARE THE SICK ONES! THIS IS ABOUT LOVE! LOVE, NOT PERVERSION, AND BY DOUBTING ME YOU'RE DOUBTING FRANK. HE THINKS, HE OPINES, HE SAYS WHAT'S ON HIS MIND, HE DECIDES, HE LOVES. I'M NOT FUCKING FORCING HIM, YOU HEAR ME? I LOVE HIM!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs, out of control; shaking Brad so strongly that his head was bobbing helplessly and he didn't dare say a word. Sarah was shouting too, though I was too enraged to hear.
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