My mother also took her time for the hugging, although no one could match Alicia.
"Be a good boy and listen to Gerard, ok?"
"K-kay"
"Bye, baby." she kissed his cheek holding him close. He looked up at her with parted lips, words not coming out easily.
"G-goodnight, mom." he voiced. There was so much emotion behind that word, it seemed to fill his mouth like only essential words could. It didn't sound to me like part of our white lie, and my mother felt it as sincere as I did. More tears for this special night.
"First time?" dad perceived her state. She nodded, out of words.
"Thought so, you look exactly as you did when Gerard and Mikey said it as babies."
"Uh...Gerard, wait." mom stopped us by the door. "I'll get you a blanket for Frankie, he'll surely fall asleep in the car."
"I have one, don't worry."
"Sure?"
"Sure, mom, I always have it there." I took her hands and kissed them. Her gaze was still set on Frankie, her mind on that three-lettered word. So simple, yet so meaningful.
******
When we arrived home, I brought a sound asleep Frankie straight to bed. He didn't sense me replace his jeans for his pajamas or get under the bedclothes with him.
I couldn't tell for how long I'd been sleeping when he woke me up. I turned on the lamp. Frankie's head was lying very close to mine over a tear-soaked pillow. He looked pained.
"Why are you crying, babe? You had a nightmare?"
"N-no. H-he...he w-woke me up and...and s-started talking and t-talking and..." he rubbed his head.
"You should have woken me up sooner, I could have told him to shut up or sing something so you wouldn't hear him."
"N-no 'cause...'c-cause you have to w-work, yes." he showed how aware of things he was, how he cared. "I d-didn't pay atten-tion to him. N-no I didn't."
"What was he trying to say?" I caressed his face with my thumb. He didn't respond, but closed his eyes and breathed deeply.
"G-gee?"
"Yeah?"
"I...I th-think I wanna s-see Tony again. B-but you h-have to be w-with us. Y-yeah." he declared the result of days of pondering. While fear was still visible in his eyes, meeting my father had helped him decide to give his a chance.
"Of course, I'll be with you and everything will be alright." I promised.
"B-but...dunno wh-when. N-not tomorrow...too s-soon. I...d-dunno..."
"Frankie..." I gathered him in my arms. "You don't have anything to fear, Anthony won't take you away from us. Just...let him know you a little more, he truly loves you. And about when, my dad's staying for two more days so I'll be seeing him and won't have much time. We could wait until he leaves to call Tony. It'd be easier for me and It'll give you some more time to think."
"Y-yeah, that's b-better." he mumbled. "N-now go sleep."
"You too, doll."
I hid the fact that Anthony had been calling me every day while I was working, deadly worried about Frankie and asking how he was doing. No doubt I would be telling him of his son's decision right away, but letting Frank know all that could have made him feel under pressure.
*********************
My mother phoned me the next morning to let me know that she had told dad all we knew about Frank, only leaving out the shooting incident. She offered to confess the whole lie, but I didn't want her to appear as the culprit when everything had to do with me. It was my responsibility.
I didn't send Frankie away for my father's visit. I was a coward and dreaded my dad's reaction, I wasn't up for a screaming session. Frank had a natural talent to convince people without even trying, so keeping him with me would make things easier. At worst, my father would at least abstain from raising his voice in front of Frankie.
We shared a coffee as my father told me about his work, his wife, and the new house they had bought. I'd only seen that woman a couple of times; she seemed as nice as she sounded through the phone. They had been together for almost two years, and she had a boy and a girl with her previous husband. The kids were the reason for the new house, since my dad's small apartment would not suffice.
Frankie found our conversation 'supermegaboring' -as he expressed it himself- so he had been going to the bedroom every ten minutes to get a different toy, game, or anything that could distract him. He drew, wrote and read to Puppy in a low voice. He played with a transformer robot, assembled a small puzzle and then switched to his ever-growing collection of construction blocks. When his hand betrayed him and caused part of his tall tower to fall, he wrathfully overturned the remains and came to sit on my lap.
"Ran out of things to do?" my father asked him.
"Y-yeah. G-gee, buy me new h-hands."
"What? Thought you'd say new toys..." I laughed.
"So did I!" the older Way joined.
"N-no, hands. "
"I can't do that, Frankie, they're not replaceable." I shook my head.
"T-too bad..."
"He seems very comfortable with you, I'd have never imagined you in this role." dad remarked. A good opportunity to speak.
"Dad...about that, there's something a need to tell you."
"Is something wrong? You look nervous, Gerard."
"No...not exactly wrong. Last night...well...we lied a little about Frankie. But...wait! Only because of the possible argument the truth could have brought. We did it for Mikey." I began with the excuses.
"Stop rambling, Gerard. What did you lie about?"
"W-wasn't much, n-nope. S-some things were t-true." Frank stood up for me.
"Frankie's right, really. Basically...it's all true but the part about him living with mom and she going to adopt him."
"B-but she's like my m-mom the same."
"Donna liked it very much when you called her that." dad told him, his face changing back to severe when he looked at me. "I don't get it, where does he live then?"
"With me." I spurted.
"What?" my father barely controlled his volume and Frankie covered his ears. "Sorry...you said the rest was true, so you mean that always since..."
"Yes, Frankie's been living with me since the last time you saw me. Mom helps me a lot, and so do Ray and my other friend Bob, but it was my decision and Frankie is my responsibility." I felt more confident now.
"Gerard..." dad got up and paced the room like he'd always do when irritated. "As I told you, it made me really happy to know you had decided to get your life back on track and be more responsible. But it was enough with finding a good job and keeping it to start with. After the way you screwed up you can't suddenly assume such a huge responsibility as taking care of a boy who's your brother's age! Even less one..." he stopped and glanced at Frankie who was still sitting frozen on my lap. "...one like Frankie. He's a very sweet kid but...I'm sure he needs lots of care and attention."
"Well, I obviously could. It's been near five months and I think I've done pretty well." I spat offended.
"G-gee takes care of m-me very well. R-really, Don!" Frankie interceded. "D-don't get mad at h-him. And...and Mikey's little ol-older than me, y-yes."
"Jesus, Gerard I..." dad blew air through his nostrils loudly. "We should talk about this in better circumstances, alone."
"No, dad, this is about Frankie. He has the right to give his opinion, and I have nothing to say that I couldn't say in front of him. Come on! You've talked to him last night, you've heard him today, you've seen him and even said yourself how comfortable he looks around me!" I managed to maintain a steady tone in spite of my indignation.
"I know, I know, Frankie seems to be happy and healthy, I don't doubt that. I'm worried about you, I still think you need some more time for yourself. There are some subjects I won't mention now, but you know what I'm talking about. You can't deal with your own problems in a proper way while having another person depending on you." he went on, and I regretted allowing Frankie to be in the middle. He was scared now, crying against my chest.
"I...I'm f-fine with G-gerard. H-he...he's g-good, stop! D-don't fight 'cause of m-me...please..."
"It's ok, Frankie, we're just talking. Nothing bad's gonna happen, I promise." I hushed him. "Dad...I understand your worries. Trust me, I do. I can't deny that there were moments when I felt this was too much for me, that I couldn't do it. But I found out that I was stronger than I thought, and Frankie was worth my efforts. I'm fine. I still have my job, I get there on time and even enjoy it. I can count on my best friend to stay with Frankie when I'm not home, and mom also supports me. I've learned to deal with all kind of doctors and I never forget about the boy's medication. There's nothing I love more than spending time with him and helping him when he needs it. And I can tell you Frankie helps me a lot, too. He's one of the main reasons why I now have a better life."
"You're as stubborn as your mother." he massaged his temples. "We better leave this here for the moment being."
"For the moment and forever, I won't change my mind." I affirmed. He didn't say more, instead he crouched by us and stroked Frank's arm.
"Frankie?" he waited until the mentioned turned to him. "I'm sorry that we scared you, you have nothing to fear. We weren't fighting about you, it's not your fault. Adults have arguments sometimes, it's normal, you don't need to worry."
"K-kay. B-but you have to b-believe what Gee s-says. It...it's t-true." Frank uttered.
"I do."
My father left the house with his head low and a scarce 'talk to you later'. He didn't seem angry anymore, although I couldn't identify which feeling had replaced his displeasure.
"I d-don't like your dad b-being mad at y-you." Frankie looked sad, hugging Puppy and staring at the floor.
"Baby," I got him on my lap again. "he's not mad. I know it might seem so 'cause you don't know him much. He's a little like Mikey, always seems angrier than he really is."
"B-but then...th-then why he s-said all those th-things?"
"Because he's worried about me." I hoped he wouldn't keep on asking.
"Wh-why?"
"Because..." I chose my words carefully. "I did some bad things before I met you. Everything's fine now, though, I...."
"Wh-what bad th-things?" he interrupted.
"I...I used to drink too much...."
"Th-that's bad? I...I d-drink lots of j-juice!" he said confused, making me chuckle.
"No baby, I meant alcoholic drinks. Those are bad when you drink too much. It can make you sick, and you sometimes do things without thinking. Like...getting mad at the people you love when they're only trying to help you, using all your money to buy more drinks or losing your job. All that happened to me, that's why my dad's worried." I told him, uncertain of how much of it he'd understand. I just thought he needed to know.
"Oh...wh-why you d-did it if it's b-bad?"
"I don't know, because I was stupid. By the time I realised that I'd been stupid, I had no more money. Before I found you, I'd gone to ask my dad for some. I told him about everything I had done wrong and that I wanted to start doing things right. So now he's afraid that because of taking care of you, I might not take care of myself to get better." I continued as simply as I could manage.
"B-but you're b-better now, right G-gee? Y-you do things w-well. Y-yes, I think s-so."
"Yes, I'm better, you helped me get better." I kissed his lips which he was nervously biting.
"I...I d-did?"
"Yes, because you made me happy and I wanted to be a better person for you. I wanted to get better to take good care of you and to enjoy being with you." I answered spontaneously. Frank's eyes filled with tears. He grinned and his lovely and characteristic butterfly kisses invaded my whole face to finally nest on my awaiting mouth.
"G-gee?" he suddenly frowned.
"What, Frankie?"
"Th-those times when...wh-when you d-drank that yellow th-thing that tasted and s-smelled funny...th-that was al-alco...uh...b-bad drink?"
"Yes, it was beer, it's bad if you drink too much too often. Anyway, I shouldn't have drank any 'cause that could make me want more." I replied. He bit his bottom lip again, thinking. I feared to have disappointed him.
"I...I w-won't let you drink th-that again. N-never. Y-you do it..." he accused me with a finger. "...and I k-kick your ass. Un-understood, G-gerard Way?"
"Clear as water, Frankie Iero!" I couldn't stop laughing as I pushed him down on the couch and kissed him all over. He squirmed, giggled and shouted that it tickled; but then he grabbed me by my shirt and I fell on him. The tickling sensation now came from inside, warm and pleasant. One body calling for the other, quick hands, clothes discarded. No more than kisses, mutual exploration and skins melting together. No more but no less.
******
I didn't hear from my father again until the following night when he called our door. He appeared to be calmer than the day before.
"Hey, kiddo! How are you?" he greeted Frankie placing a hand on his neck fatherly. Frank didn't move, didn't smile back.
"Y-you better be g-good to Gee. H-he's better, he's d-doing good th-things. All g-good!"
"I'll be nice, it's a promise." dad laid his palm over his heart.
"Th-then hello! And...and I'm f-fine, you?"
"I'm fine too, thanks." he laughed. "You have a fierce defender here, Gerard."
"You bet." I said not quite intentionally bitterly.
"Son, I'm sorry if I offended you, it wasn't my intention to doubt your strength or aptitudes. I guess..."
"You guess...?" I encouraged him to complete the phrase.
"...I guess it shocked me to see how much you've grown up in a few months, the way you stand your ground, defending the life you chose. I...the least I can do is give you the chance to prove that you can carry on with it. Forget about my fears, they're mine and not yours."
"It's fine, thanks dad."
Once we sealed our renewed relationship, I invited him to join us for dinner. He stood where he was. "Wait, I have something for Frankie." he searched into the bag he was holding,
"You didn't have to..."
"Shut up, Gerard. His birthday is in about a month, right?"
"Y-yes!" Frankie cheered.
"Well, I won't be here by then, so this is my early present. It's nothing big, don't worry." he gave Frank a package that the boy teared open in seconds, revealing a puzzle -bigger than the ones he had but still not complicated looking- and more construction blocks.
"Y-yay, thanks!"
"I couldn't find hands, sorry." dad apologized and they both laughed. Right after that, Frank ran to the coffee table with the presents.
"Wow, you found wooden blocks, I thought they didn't make them anymore!" I commented.
"I asked for them in many stores, plastic is just not the same. Oh, and Gerard...I wish I had some money to help, but with the new house..."
"It's not necessary, dad. We might not have enough for extras, but we do just fine." I glossed it over. What he said next was totally unexpected, one of those 'are you fucking kidding me?' moments.
"Still I...I've been thinking. You know the old family watch? It's not even good looking and...there are things more important and urgent than traditions. I know it would not help for long but...what if you sold it?"
CHAPTER 58
I know, nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes.
I know it's everybody's sin,
you got to lose to know how to win.
"Gerard, why are you looking at me like that? Did I say something funny?" my father asked when, about two minutes after his proposition, I was still staring at him, bemused.
"Kinda..." I chuckled, causing him to frown.
"Care to explain?"
"Well, I don't know how you'll take this but..." I began.
"More things you've hidden from me?"
"This one was necessary, dad, I thought you'd kill me. Though now that I heard you say that...I might have feared in vain." I said. He sat down and patted the couch, insinuating that I should quit the rambling and do the same.
"Speak."
"Ok. Some weeks after I brought Frank..." I made a pause to look at the mentioned one who was building a house with his brand new blocks, luckily not paying attention to us. "...things got out of control. He was getting worse and worse and my boss wasn't gonna be able to pay me for two more weeks..."
"Oh, Gerard...see what I was telling you? And you didn't ask for help!" he scolded me.
"I knew mom was having economic issues too and I'd just asked you for money. One day I just went desperate and...pawned your watch." I whispered the last part, watching my dad through semi closed eyes. He ran a hand through his face and then gazed blankly at the wall. I guessed he was controlling himself to not scream at me.
"You should have called me and asked!" he exclaimed not too low. I checked on Frankie, but he was still fixated on his task.
"I needed the money and was afraid you'd say no. I couldn't tell you what I needed it for! After how I'd fucked up..."
"That's not an excuse." he spat.
"What's the problem? Now you know everything and told me to sell the watch, so what's the point in bitching because of something that's in the past?" I fought my own urge to shout.
"You're right, you're right, I guess there's no point now. I'm just...sick and tired of you jumping behind each sudden idea you have without consulting us. That watch is a family possession, for God's sake!" his face was red from containing the anger.
"You admitted that the thing's ugly, come on!" I attempted a smile. My father's lips stayed pressed together in a straight line. "Sorry I..."
"It's alright, Gerard, too late. So...that's why your mother acted so weird when I asked about how you paid for the meds?" he inquired.
"No, she doesn't know I pawned the watch. I told everybody that my boss got some money she'd invested back ahead of schedule and wanted to help me. Since she'd met Frankie and all..."
"Oh great, you've become a professional liar." dad sighed. "Look, I'm gonna try to forget that you confessed all this because I don't want to spend my last hours here being mad at you. Where's the watch?"
"Uh...still at the pawn shop, I've never had spare money to..."
"Jesus, Gerard! Alright, as soon as I get paid I'm gonna send you money to get the watch back, then you can sell it..."
"Thanks, dad! I'm so sorry..."
"Let me finish. Next important -or stupid- decision you make without telling anyone, you can say 'goodbye' to my patience."
"Okay, understood." I lowered my head. "I'm sorry dad, I was really desperate, I care about Frankie too much."
"It's fine, I said it's forgotten for now." he repeated, finally forcing a smile. "And the watch is ugly."
"G-gee..." Frankie called me. It was so well-timed that it made me think that he had actually been aware of our whole discussion and was only waiting for us to stop and act friendly again.
"Yes, Frankie?"
"C-can you help me w-with this?" he pointed at the puzzle which pieces were scattered over the free half of the table. The other half was still occupied by the wood-bricked house, its roof consisting of a folded paperboard. Frank was fairly good and practical when it came to those kind of artistic, creative activities in opposition to the more rational, intellect-related ones.
"Of course." I slid down to the floor.
"Is it too hard for him?" dad questioned. "I asked Donna and Mikey what I could get him, but I wasn't sure of which one to choose...I could get it changed tomorrow morning if necessary."
"Oh no, it's just fine. He loves the other puzzles he has because of the images, but they're a little too easy, he could assemble them blindfolded by now. This one's perfect, he only needs a little help to get things organized." I explained.
"They have the best and most diverse puzzles I've ever seen in the place where I bought this. And you know what else is different about them? Even their larger puzzles have pieces big enough. Usually, the bigger the puzzle is...the smaller the pieces; sometimes you can barely handle them." he commented enthusiastically. I could see how he had missed visiting toy stores. It'd been a long time since Mikey and I were children, and his new wife's kids were almost teenagers already.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. This one's cool!" I agreed. My boyfriend was waiting for me to assist him, so I focused on him. "Let's see, Frankie: look at the drawing on the box's cover. What are the biggest, most important things -or colors- in the image? Don't pay attention now to the little things."
"Uh..." he took the cover and examined it. "Th-there's the s-sky and...and the grass and...d-dogs!"
"Exactly. Now first, you better make all pieces look up or it'll be a problem to know what they are." I suggested.
"T-true, I forgot!" he giggled. The three of us helped turn the things over.
"Now choose any piece that's part of the sky, one that's part of the grass and one that's part of the dogs." I watched him quickly grab a blue, a green, and a white with black dots piece. "And...place them separately on the table."
"K-kay, now?" he awaited after accommodating the objects in front of him.
"Look at all the others. Each piece you pick, you put it together with the one out of those three you separated that has a similar color. That way it'll be easier later because if you want to, for example, begin with the sky, you'll only have to search into the blue pile. Yes?" As I was explaining this to Frankie, I caught a glance of my father. He had an elbow on the table, head propped up on his hand and he was eying me with an apparent proud smile.
"Ahh, th-that's fun! I'll d-do it all m-myself now, y-you can keep t-talking." Frankie waved at us. "B-but be good and d-don't fight, kay?"
"Yes, sir!" dad saluted him soldier style.
"I'm gonna go get dinner ready." I announced, noticing that none of us knew what to talk about. We were perhaps afraid of not being able to fulfill Frank's order, and we failed at thinking of a possible casual subject.
"I'll help you, it seems Frankie's well entertained here." my father followed me.
"W-wait, Gee!" Frank stopped me. "Th-there are pieces th-that have like...s-sky and dogs or...or d-dogs and grass. Wh-where I put th-them?"
"I'd say you make a new pile with those and leave them for later."
"Y-yeah, good i-idea." he nodded happily. "N-now go make d-dinner 'cause I...I'm h-hungry."
"You're very patient with Frankie, it's incredible." dad commented once we were in the kitchen. "You're almost like a father to him."
"I'm not a father, dad, I'm too young. He's only five years younger than me!" I cringed at his comment. "But Frankie didn't find many patient people through his life. His...intellectual abilities would be much more developed if he'd gotten the needed help and motivation when younger, it's a lot harder now. Can you believe a fucking teacher from a mental institution refused to keep on teaching Frank and said -with the kid being present- that he wasn't able to learn anymore 'cause he was retarded?"
"What? Don't all kids in those places have problems? A teacher working there is supposed to know how to deal with them."
"You said it well, supposed. " I voiced with resentment. "What's more, no one did anything about it, they just trusted that asshole to recognize 'lost causes'. Only that Frank's never been one, he just needed a little more dedication. The nurse that used to take care of him did what she could, but of course she had more kids to watch and not enough time."
"How old was Frankie when that idiot said that to him?" my father asked concerned.
"About 11, I think. He can read rather well but his writing is basic, like a 8 year old's. He's slightly improved in these months, though. Math's his major difficulty..."
"It's really sad to know he could have done better if the circumstances had been different, but you shouldn't think about it so much. You can't change the past, son. You're at least helping Frank now. " he gave me a quick hug and kissed my head. Having my hands occupied with the tomatoes I was slicing, I returned the gesture with a smile and a nod.
"I know."
By the time the meal was ready, so was Frank's puzzle. He proudly showed it to us, but then speedily proceeded to dissemble it again and shove it into the box. He'd get nearly the same pleasure out of this that he did from putting it together. The house was next. In a moment everything was in order and he took it all back to our room.
From then on, the night was pleasant and full of chatting. We didn't need to avoid sad or hard matters; merrier topics came up spontaneously. Merrier and random, as it was usual whenever Frankie was involved. He practically interviewed my dad, not leaving anything unasked, and told him to bring his wife's kids along next time so he could befriend them.
After dinner, we stayed up late playing Pictionary. It was Friday after all and dad wouldn't be leaving until noon, so we could afford doing that.
Not for a moment did I consider the possibility of telling my father about my and Frank's relationship, and I was relieved that the boy didn't do anything that could reveal it. Dad met the most childish side of Frank, he had even seen me as his father. There was no way to tell him the truth without getting an outraged reaction from him. I couldn't make someone who had only half met Frankie understand and believe that there was nothing wrong, that it was all about love between us. Why risk it? Why turn the short time I had with my father into disaster? That was my main problem: time...or lack of it. He'd been right about me keeping things from everybody, I knew it wasn't right, but some things needed to be kept secret for the greatest good. And so they would for now.
******
The next afternoon, I asked Frankie if he was ready to see his dad again. He ran to the bedroom, assumed a fetal position on the bed and had a whispered conversation with the voice inside his head. I didn't interfere, it was his way of dealing with it. A considerable amount of minutes elapsed before he came to me teary-eyed and shaking and told me to call his father.
Seeing him still so insecure and frightened, I suggested that we had the meeting at home. Frankie felt more at ease with that idea and Anthony thought it perfect and safer. The good man had already cried on the phone two days ago when I revealed his son's decision. Having now the confirmation, knowing it would happen the following day -he wouldn't waste any time- brought him to the limit. The line went silent all of a sudden. Seconds later Greg picked up the phone telling me that Tony couldn't talk at the moment but they'd be here after lunch.
Later, I called Ray. I had agreed to keep him informed about everything related to Frank and Anthony from now on. He insisted on being with us when Tony came so he could finally meet him. I was sure that he would like him, it was honestly hard to imagine someone not liking that guy. Besides, I could use some extra help in case Frankie flipped out.
******
The doorbell rang and Frankie disappeared. Ray attempted to go after him, but I caught his wrist. "No, leave him, I'm sure he'll be back."
"But...will he be fine there alone?" Ray worried.
"Yes, he'll just curl up on the bed for a while, I guess he needs to gather some more courage." I said, going to open the door.
Tony's eyes were reddened and puffy, yet the shine in them held hope. His hand never left Greg's as they walked into the house and we greeted each other. It was briefer and less effusive than other times, only because we were all nervous and expectant.
"Tony, Greg...this is Ray, my best friend. He's the one who stays here with Frankie every day while I'm working." I introduced Toro. They shook hands and I couldn't help paying attention to the way Ray stared at Anthony.
"Oh my, no need to tell me who's Tony out of you two, Frank looks too much like you." he expressed dumbfounded.
"It's incredible, isn't it? They're like two drops of water." Greg laughed.
"Where's he?" Tony looked around, preoccupied.
"He ran to our room when he heard the doorbell, must be nerves." I kept a secure tone in my voice.
"Don't worry, babe," Greg made his boyfriend sit. "let's give him some time."
"I'd wait the rest of my life." he assented.
Дата добавления: 2015-11-04; просмотров: 19 | Нарушение авторских прав
| <== предыдущая лекция | | | следующая лекция ==> |