Epilogue 3 страница

The alarm clock goes off at last and Frank gets up, wiping everything off of his mind. He has to go to work, so he gets dressed and walks to the kitchenette to get some breakfast. Gerard is there, sitting at the small table in the corner of the room, by the glass doors to the balcony. The sun is shining outside, warm and inviting.

Frank prepares his breakfast, starting with two pieces of toast and getting an empty mug from the cabinet, and sits at the table to eat. It's like any other morning, except they don't speak about their plans for the day. They don't say a single word. Today the ambiance is quiet, tense and very awkward, and soon Frank gives up on his toast. He can't stand the fact that Gerard avoids even just looking at him, eating with his eyes fixed on the table. Gerard even flinches when Frank reaches for the coffee pot that's partly in front of Gerard, as though afraid that Frank will touch him. Frank's lips twist bitterly at that action, and he exits the room, bringing his coffee mug out on the balcony, gazing at the city outside and wishing he could go back in time and fix things with Gerard. He hates the way things are right now.

Frank just wants to talk to Gerard, calmly, without fighting, but apparently it's impossible. He never thought that they would get to this point, but maybe every couple goes through difficult situations at times. He can accept that and promises himself that he's going to make it right soon, hopefully during the summer.

He has to leave the apartment a few minutes later, although he feels his stomach in knots. He stands behind Gerard and touches his shoulder, leaning in to kiss the top of his head and saying, "Have a good day."

Gerard doesn't react or acknowledge Frank, so he leaves. Frank pauses by the front door and looks at Gerard again. This time he sees Gerard with his face buried in his hands and his shoulders hunched forward in fear. The sight hurts and worries Frank, but he leaves with the hope that everything will be alright when he comes back home.

On his way to work, Frank can't help but think about how they've either been fighting or not talking since September. It was when they moved in to this apartment, as Gerard got a job at a different high school. Thankfully, it's closer to the school Frank goes to, but they had to leave behind the house Gerard had lived in for six years and it was hard to move into a much smaller apartment. Gerard's job pays nicely, but Frank only has a part-time job and he has yet to finish college and, although that is still completely financed by his parents, this job doesn't mean he has enough money to pay half of the mortgage for a house. Since he never wanted Gerard to pay more than him, they agreed on a smaller place instead.

It's a nice apartment nonetheless, on the fifth floor, with a spacious living room and an organized kitchenette, then two bedrooms and a bathroom. It's enough for the both of them, even though the sounds from the neighbors kind of reverberate through the walls, but they got used to that.

The first night, it had been strange to sleep on the same mattress but with different surroundings and different smells, and with a lot more noises. Frank hadn't slept very well. He'd supposed he would get used to it, though, as it was normal to need an adjustment period in a new place. Frank had thought there might be something more than that giving him a knot of insecurity in his stomach, though. He had wondered if it was just the idea of living with Gerard fulltime, or if he was nervous about getting to know the new neighbors, but he could never shake the feeling of there being something else going on.

He had assumed that these new living conditions were making Gerard either confused or uncomfortable. They had fought over it many times, but they never got anywhere because Gerard kept refusing to open up; he still does. Maybe that's the problem; maybe they're not ready to share a house just yet. Maybe they need to work a bit more on their communication to make this relationship work.

Frank really thinks that Gerard has to talk to him. If there's something wrong with them, or with Gerard or with Frank, he needs to tell Frank. Frank is sure that there's something bothering Gerard, because he has been acting really strangely. Once, Frank trusted Gerard to tell him if something happened, but seven months later, Gerard still hasn't told him anything. Frank is done nagging Gerard about it, though. Waiting Gerard out might be the only option left.

The atmosphere in the apartment remains quiet and heavy for the next few days. Whenever Frank tries to talk, Gerard argues with him about the age difference and Frank's band and Frank leaving. They don't apologize to each other until Wednesday and, even after this honest apology and then cuddling on the couch until they fall asleep in each other's embraces, Thursday and Friday still don't feel normal. Gerard might not be shutting Frank out and Frank might have forgiven him for being so difficult, but it's still not them yet, not completely.

They lie in bed, each on their own side, and Gerard won't turn to Frank even when Frank asks him to. It used to be easier for them to open up to each other in the dark room, but not anymore. Gerard doesn't let Frank touch him in any way and that's the hardest thing to take.

Frank misses Gerard, wants to feel him, embrace him and kiss his mouth softly, but Gerard won't let him do it. It's like all of a sudden, Gerard is a cold person and doesn't let Frank in. This means that there has to be a problem with Gerard, and Frank needs to figure out what it is before they leave each other for good. Gerard already asked Frank to leave, but Frank loves Gerard and wants to stay. Yet this can only work if Gerard wants it too.

June.

Weeks go by and it's either awkward and cold, or Gerard tries to acts as though everything is still perfect, smiling at Frank in the morning, making breakfast for two, and pressing a goodbye kiss on Frank's cheek when he leaves for work. It's strange, but at this point, Frank is willing to go along with his strange behavior and get something out of him when they have more time to each other. Maybe Gerard's bizarre demeanor is the result of all the stress he is facing due to the end of the school year. With it being Gerard's first year as a high school teacher but already teaching senior classes and having heavy responsibilities with extra-curricular activities, not to mention having to work on setting the finals for the first time as well, the great amount of stress Gerard is facing would actually be pretty understandable.

Frank is willing to wait until their vacation time next month. By then, the school year will be finished for Gerard and Frank will have time off from the hospital and be finished with his classes and finals. Afterwards, he expects to start working with the Police force, since he followed his teachers' advice and is majoring to become a profiler, so he's hopeful about this final year in college. Having been so busy every day since September, he can't wait for the three weeks off, in July…. Three whole weeks at home with Gerard.

On the last Friday before their vacation time, Frank comes home late from working an afternoon shift at the hospital, as he had to go to school in the morning for an exam. He's tired but glad that he won't have to deal with the job for three weeks, and hopefully he'll succeed in getting good grades and eventually a nice position with the Police force.

Today, he gets to the apartment and immediately knows that Gerard's home, from the abandoned jacket over the back of the couch, which Frank carefully picks up and hangs up by the door. It's always the same; Gerard never hangs it right, but always picks it up from the hanger like he had put it up there by himself. There is also an unwashed mug on the kitchenette counter and breadcrumbs on the table, typically Gerard's way to mark his passage through his afternoon snack.

Shaking his head, but smiling at the same time because this is Gerard being domestic and Frank loves him that way, Frank crosses the narrow hall to the bedrooms area. There are two, one of them being Gerard's office and, since the door is closed and Frank can hear shuffling inside, it means Gerard doesn't want to be disturbed. If the door was open, Frank would be allowed inside, but it's not and he respects Gerard's privacy. He's most likely working on some art, since his schoolwork has officially ended last week and the past seven days have been filled with teachers' meetings to discuss the final grades and such. Frank isn't at all bothered by the fact that Gerard wants to be on his own. He's always been this way.

Frank takes a quick shower and relaxes, his tense muscles unknotting beneath the water stream. His thoughts are only focused on how he's going to get something out of Gerard during their time off. The cold war between them can't be allowed to go on like this if they're going to be together 24/7 for three weeks, and especially because their summer vacation has always been about hanging out, sleeping until noon and having sex several times a week. Judging by the last months, these plans are most likely ruined and Frank wants to change that.

Afterwards, on his way to the bedroom to get dressed, Frank holds a hand over his heart and the tattoo of Gerard's name he has there. He can't get his mind off of him today.

"You're home." Frank gets pulled out of his thoughts by Gerard's voice. Gerard is just coming in to the bedroom, in dark jeans and a Thrice t-shirt he borrowed from Frank over two years ago. It's tight on him, but Gerard seems to love it for some reason. And Frank loves seeing it on him. "How did it go this morning?"

"It was alright, I guess." Frank dismisses it with a gesture, smiling as Gerard approaches the bed and sits on it with a sigh. Frank walks closer to him and slides in between Gerard's legs, wrapping his arms around Gerard's shoulders and forgetting every drop of awkwardness for just a moment. Frank hums and holds Gerard against his bare chest, murmuring onto the top of Gerard's head, "Vacation time."

Gerard pulls back from the hug, but leaves a small kiss on Frank's collarbone. Frank rubs his hands over Gerard's shoulders and asks, "Do you wanna plan something special for our time off?"

They're at a point in their relationship that they're not really romantic anymore, because things have become natural for them, but Frank is a hopeless romantic and he likes the fluff. So he moves his open palms down Gerard's arms and grabs his hands, inspecting them attentively. He can perceive a couple of new age spots, mostly on the base of the fingers of his left hand and on his right palm. He leans his mouth against Gerard's forehead, smiling at this man that he grew up into adulthood with, and says, "Because I was thinking that we could forget everything that has been going on and enjoy this time off like we've always done. Nothing has to be different between us, right?"

Gerard nods and hums his agreement, but he replies, "I dunno. I'd rather not make any plans this time. We should decide what to do every day, see how it goes."

Frank smiles faintly, confused because Gerard was never like this. Their summers have always been half planned and they knew in advance what was going to happen when they were alone at home, be it the late breakfasts, the afternoons at the beach or the great sex at night, but it seems like it won't be the same this year round. Gerard's attitude confuses Frank a lot. He knows Gerard loves him and wishes Gerard would talk to him, that he would tell Frank what's wrong and if there's any problem, especially if it's related to them, so Frank can either wait or pressure Gerard into talking.

Maybe these three weeks off will be good for them.

July.

During the first few days, Gerard is really distant, closed up on himself like in a shell. On Saturday morning, he gets dressed and leaves the kitchen with only a slice of bread. Since he's dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants, Frank thinks he might be going out for a walk to the park nearby, which is only twenty minutes away from their building, and waits for him to come back to eat his own breakfast. However, when Gerard comes back almost an hour later, he ignores Frank, who is sitting at the table picking at his nails, and goes into the bathroom. Frank sees only the back of his body and hears the door closing. Gerard is behaving strangely again, and Frank shakes his head frustratedly in response and abruptly loses his appetite.

After an entire afternoon in the office, with the door always closed, Gerard comes out almost at dusk in Frank's Thrice t-shirt again and makes small talk about that night. Frank's band has a show and, once he's on stage, Frank drowns every single worry in playing music with his friends. A few songs in, he notices that Gerard is not at the side of the stage anymore and Frank doesn't see him afterwards, and their car isn't where they parked it outside the club, so Frank stays with his friends and gets a ride home with them. They don't stay for more than a couple of hours, and Andy, the band's drummer, and his twin brother, Josh drive Frank home.

Once he gets inside the apartment, shaking his head at the thoughts of Gerard bailing out on him so cowardly, he takes a quick shower and goes to bed. Gerard is already there, lying on his side with his back turned to Frank's side of the bed, and his breathing suggests that he's already sleeping. Frank lies down on his back next to Gerard and closes his eyes, feeling really upset about tonight. A show night had never been so dissatisfying to him.

"Please, help him trust me. Help him understand that I'm not going anywhere without him," Frank prays selflessly into the empty air, trying to be as quiet as possible. He truly just wants Gerard to open up to him because this situation is upsetting. He gets an answer, but not from God.

Gerard turns around slowly and wraps an arm around Frank's middle, burying his face into the crook of Frank's neck. At first, Frank finds this weird, but he relaxes into it when Gerard breathes out onto his skin, saying, "Amen."

Sunday isn't much better. They go to Mass early in the morning, sitting on the pew next to each other, but Frank sneaks several looks towards Gerard and he's always looking ahead at the service taking place. He wears an uptight expression on his face the whole time. Something has to be bothering him. This is even clearer when, at the end of the service, Gerard asks Frank, "I wanna stay here for a moment. Alone. If that's okay."

Frank nods, respecting Gerard's privacy and his conversations to God, but watches from two pews behind. They're in such a strange situation right now, Gerard keeping to himself but showing signs that he wants to talk to Frank about whatever is going on with him at the moment. Frank says a prayer of his own, asks his grandmother what he's supposed to do, thinking back to last night and the tight embrace they shared in bed with no questions asked. He's so torn in between forcing Gerard to spill it out and waiting for him to take the first step, but he honestly doesn't know what exactly is the right thing.

Today is Gerard's mother's birthday and they spend the day with the Ways. The meal progresses nicely and in the afternoon, with Mikey, Alicia and their son, Anton in the house, Frank and Gerard spend the whole time playing with their nephew. It's almost too normal for them, but Frank doesn't want to ruin the day for Mrs. Way, the same way Gerard doesn't seem to want his family to know that things haven't been exactly easy for them. Still, Frank wonders if he has told Mikey about it, since they've been best friends since they were kids.

Back at home, they fall asleep early because of the tiring six hours drive to and from the Ways' house. The next day, Gerard goes out early in the morning in a t-shirt and sweatpants, not even acknowledging Frank's presence until lunch is ready. And in the afternoon, they spend time together making art or music or watching movies, but they're mostly quiet. Frank tries a different approach; he hugs Gerard from behind and kisses the back of his neck, but it only results in Gerard telling him, "Not right now, Frank."

The rejection hits Frank hard, but it doesn't deter him completely and he tries a second time later on, not giving up on convincing Gerard to go back to how they used to be. Last year, their summer was mostly spent at the beach and in bed, goofing off and cuddling and having sex as often as they could. This year, however, the response is always the same. Gerard won't let Frank touch him.

"Why don't you relax, Gerard?" Frank asks him softly, right before dinnertime. He wraps his arms around Gerard's middle and slides his hands under the front of the t-shirt he's wearing, caressing Gerard's belly. "Don't be so tense around me, I'm not gonna hurt you. I just wanna—"

Frank pushes forward until his front hits the back of Gerard's body and tries to cup Gerard's crotch sensually, but Gerard pulls at his wrist and stops him, saying rather coldly, "I'm not in the mood."

Sighing, Frank kisses Gerard's neck one last time, feeling the skin shiver and seeing the goosebumps growing on it when he pulls back, but Gerard doesn't respond otherwise to him. Frank doesn't want to stop being physically close to Gerard, but it feels like the only thing that works is ignoring each other's presence. It feels like Frank is walking on eggshells around Gerard. He's so confused and hurt, and it's so strange to live like this after seven years of being in a close relationship.

On Tuesday, Frank decides to try something else. He wakes up before Gerard and gets dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt that is Gerard's, not letting Gerard refuse his company for his jogging to the park today. Frank is going too and he smiles inwardly when he sees that Gerard puts on another of Frank's t-shirts, not even caring if it's too tight. That is, for Frank, a sign that things aren't as bad as he could think. And in the end, they come back home walking and holding hands, Frank avoiding any talk about Gerard's strange behavior around him in case he ruins everything, but at least they're doing things together and that is evident progress.

Wednesday is the day Frank's parents come to spend the afternoon with Frank and Gerard. They tell Frank about his grandfather's health state, since the elderly man has fallen sick a long time ago and is fading away day after day, refusing to let Frank visit him. They haven't resolved their issues just yet. Frank's grandfather still hasn't accepted that two men can love each other and live in peace, and Frank respects that and doesn't go see him, but it doesn't mean that he's not worried about the situation. It's his grandfather and they used to be really close, and Frank is hurting that he's so close to losing another grandparent.

The afternoon and dinner are not too bad, with Gerard being normal around Frank, even though there isn't much proximity between them. Frank finds his mother frowning at him like she has noticed something strange. At some point, she takes Frank aside and asks him, "Is everything alright with you and Gerard?"

Frank sighs, looking up at his mother's concerned gaze. "Gerard has been a little off, but I don't know why. He refuses to tell me if there's something wrong."

Frank's parents leave before the sun sets, Frank's mother hugging Frank close and telling him to call her if he needs anything, and afterwards Gerard invites Frank for a movie night. Gerard sits on the couch and Frank curls up against him, but it's not intimate or natural tonight. They're too rigid and quiet.

When it's over and they go to bed, Frank watches Gerard as he lies on his side, his back to Frank again, and decides to intervene. "Gerard, talk to me. Is there something wrong? You've been so cold for months and lately we've mostly ignored each other. It was never like this. I wanna fix this, so tell me if there's something wrong."

"It's nothing, I just—" Gerard says with a sigh.

"Did I do something wrong? Do you think you've done something wrong? You used to tell me everything and now that's changed." Frank gets up on one elbow, even though Gerard keeps refusing to turn around and face him. He can just see over the curve of Gerard's shoulder and his delineated jaw, and there are also those lines around his eye that deepen when Gerard frowns.

Then, he murmurs, "It's complicated, Frank." It's so low that Frank takes a moment to consider how he should react. He can't be sure if Gerard said it so he would hear, but he still risks asking,

"Why?"

Gerard sighs and shifts on the bed to lie on his back, but keeps his eyes closed. Frank touches his chest because he wants to get closer to his boyfriend, and it catches Gerard's attention. He opens his eyes and they gaze at each other for a few moments.

Before they moved here, they were always attached to the hip, always cuddling in bed, kissing, caressing each other. Frank has always been a physically needy person, loving the proximity and the touches and the kisses, and their sex was always so frequent, but recently they've barely touched each other. Gerard jerked Frank off in February or so, Frank remembers it because it was cold and they were sleeping in pajamas under flannel sheets, a blanket and a feather duvet. Frank hasn't had an orgasm ever since because Gerard keeps turning Frank away whenever he initiates anything.

"Since you're not talking to me, let me love you. We haven't done anything in so long." Frank crawls over Gerard and wraps around his side, kissing his shoulder. "I miss you."

"I know, but please don't."

Frank stops and sits up, looking at Gerard. He feels stung by the outright rejection. "Don't you love me anymore?"

"I do, I do!" Gerard exclaims, moving at last. He sits up against the headboard and wraps his hands around Frank's arms lovingly, adding, "I love you just the same, Frank. This is just one of those situations that it's not—"

"Oh, I see. 'It's not you, it's me'." Gerard nods and lies back down, sliding under the light bedding. He sneaks one hand over Frank's thigh and it feels warm and inviting, so Frank leans down and pecks Gerard's cheek.

Gerard says, "I love you and I think you're beautiful; my feelings for you have only grown stronger over time. It's just that— I've been dealing with some issues and I don't know how—"

Frank frowns. "Is this seriously about the age difference? It was never a problem when I was eighteen, and you were a fucking priest at the time, so why does it bother you so much now? Forty-two is not old. What's the matter?"

"What if I do feel too old? I feel like I'm keeping you from living your life while you're in your twenties, and that's not fair. You're young and you're finishing college, and you have so much potential. You can do whatever you want with your time. You have the band, but you don't even hang out with them. You've had shows in great clubs in town and you never stay afterwards. You always come home with your old, boring boyfriend."

"What are you talking about? You're not old, and neither are you boring. Well, you've been annoying lately with this 'you're twenty-five years old, you should get wild' thing, but I don't like that kind of life, and none of my friends actually stays for much longer, so I don't need to stay and be wild or whatever. I chose to be with you for a reason," Frank retorts as he stares desperately into Gerard's eyes, fingers grazing Gerard's jaw tenderly. He is hoping that the message actually gets through to Gerard this time. He's been saying this so many times recently, and he really doesn't want to do this all over again. "I like coming home and staying inside with you, but not if we're fighting, that's for sure. I hate when we fight and it's all we have done for months. I don't wanna be anywhere else. Why can't you accept that all of a sudden?"

Gerard sighs, takes Frank's hand and pulls on it until Frank lies down next to him. Gerard apologizes and his voice sounds very sincere. "I've been kind of a shitty boyfriend, haven't I? Why am I complaining if I get to have you all to myself at home?"

Frank agrees that it's an excellent point and cuddles with Gerard, hoping that this conversation bears fruit for the rest of their vacation time.

"Maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis, or something," Gerard adds, wrapping an arm around Frank's stomach. He feels warm yet taut, which is strange after seven years, but Frank doesn't say anything else right now.

They need to make up for this situation, after over half a year of fighting over something as ridiculous as their age difference. Frank looks at Gerard, his eyes closed, his face relaxed: he can see those age lines around his mouth, eyes and forehead, and he knows there's that slightly pudgy stomach that Gerard hates, but Frank finds that totally normal. He doesn't think Gerard is any less stunning because of it. He loves first and foremost the person Gerard is. Everything else is secondary. Frank just needs to prove that to him, but if wanting to be with Gerard doesn't work, what will?

On Thursday, their mood is rather different. They go jogging, they cook and eat lunch together, and only get out of each other's hair during the afternoon. Gerard goes straight into the office, but Frank goes to the bedroom and notices that Gerard left the door ajar. He lies on the bed, trying to choose what to do that day, trying to decide if he should join Gerard or not, but he falls asleep before he gets to a decision. When he wakes up, barely an hour later, Frank sits on Gerard's side of the bed, turned to the French doors that lead to the balcony, which connects the bedroom to the living room. He takes a swift glance at the corner between the bed and the wall.

It's pretty much a copy of Gerard's peace corner, the one Frank saw at Gerard's house, years ago when Frank went to his house to do research for an essay for school. It has the same wooden cross, the pearl white rosary and the three Bibles, except now it's their corner.

Frank kneels down for a moment, considering all the things that have been happening lately. He doesn't wonder how God sees them right now because he knows He is very tolerant and merciful and that His plan will eventually follow through. Frank just needs to be patient and try to get the best of this relationship, of Gerard, and do his best as well. There seems to be a deep need of trust in the situation they're going through at the moment, and he does believe that Gerard will tell him about what's going on. Frank might have to intervene, but only minimally.

After a short conversation with his grandmother, who he still talks to very often, Frank gets up and picks up the book on his nightstand, sitting down on the mat they have in the corner. Frank leans against the bed and continues reading this book; it's one of Gerard's. It's been seven years into this relationship and Frank still hasn't finished Gerard's huge collection yet. He reads a lot today and he doesn't stop until it's dinnertime. Then, he knocks on the office door and asks Gerard what he wants for dinner, but Gerard doesn't want to choose, so, grinning and shaking his head at Gerard's indecision, Frank selects the menu for tonight and cooks it alone. Later on, they eat it out on the balcony, sitting on the kitchen chairs that Frank put out there before he called Gerard over.

That night, they watch a game show on prime time TV and then, they kneel by the armoire under the television set and choose a horror movie to watch. As it rolls on the screen, Gerard starts leaning his head over Frank's shoulder, as he's falling asleep, but Frank keeps nudging him and waking him up with a smile. He decides they're going to bed before the movie ends, because this isn't working for them.

Frank goes to the bathroom first. It's late, yet he doesn't feel like he could sleep due to the unexpected nap he took in the afternoon, but he goes to the bedroom and gets ready for bed nonetheless. He finds Gerard there, lying down over the bedding.

"Come here," says Gerard, beckoning Frank close by stretching an arm. Frank notices that his eyes are shining and he realizes that he hasn't seen that look in a long time.

There's anticipation in Gerard's eyes, like he means to do something to Frank. It's the same look from when they used to have sex, curled around each other, loving each other. Frank obeys, but doesn't stop looking into Gerard's eyes, climbing onto the bed slowly. Once he's close enough, Frank kisses Gerard's lips and curls one arm around him. They have barely touched each other sexually since they moved in, except that handjob in February and a few scarce kisses over time, even though Frank has tried to get something out of Gerard very often, but tonight Frank is willing to try again.

Дата добавления: 2015-08-27