When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar, she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left. Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn't left enough time to catch my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn't feel it. I felt offended. I had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never missed a plane. Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do you know where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but I felt mistrusted and was annoyed. Eventually I let her know that I appreciated her loving intention but that I didn't like being mothered in this way. I shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way I wanted to be mothered was to be unconditionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don't tell me 'I told you so.' Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving kit, let me deal with it. Don't tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted, instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her to succeed in supporting me.
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