Parental attitude

Last night, my husband and I were about to go out for the evening. Our little youngster, age six, started to cry. He didn’t want us to go, he said, because he didn’t like the babysitter. The babysitter wasn’t exactly a dreamboat in appearance nor an intellectual giant. She seemed suffi­ciently pleasant, but evidently had little imagination. We had a firm commitment with other people; in addition, we anticipated a good deal of pleasure from the evening. However, we were conscience-stricken about leaving the child crying. My husband and I have been talking this mat­ter over and we are nonplussed. Can you offer any counsel?

Change the babysitter, of course. That does not solve the question of the moment—to go out with friends or to stay at home and comfort the baby. My wife and I agree that we would have cancelled the party and have stayed with the child; but the particular circumstances, I grant, may have made such a decision difficult, even though as parents, you couldn’t really enjoy a night out when you knew that your youngster was screaming his head off.

Of course, some children will bully their parents by screaming when things don’t go their way. On the other hand, this child may have had an idea that he was being left at home too often; the baby sitter may have been to him a symbol of neglect, and the incident of the particular eve­ning yon write about may have been the climax in a situa­tion that had been brewing for some time.

At best, a babysitter is an agent paid to ]et the parents have some external life of their own; she can never be a satisfactory substitute for the mother. Parents of young children have to sacrifice much—their sleep, their social life, their gadgets. Each couple must decide for themselves how far that sacrifice should go.

Therapy

FEAR

My son is a fearful child. He hesitates to try anything new. If he is not encouraged—sometimes even forced—to try things, whether they are ice-skating, new foods, or just sit­ting tranquilly at home with a baby-sitter, how will he ever overcome his fears and gain confidence in himself?

Why ice-skating or new foods? Why should he choose them? I have had boys in my school for 12 years who never once kicked a ball or played tennis.

The fact that the boy fears to stay home with a new baby-sitter suggests that he has too strong a dependence on his parents. Probably behind his fear is the unconscious anxiety that they will riot return. The facts as stated sug­gest that yon want to mold your boy, to tell him how to live, what to do, what to eat. No child should ever be forced to cat what he does not want to eat. No child should be prompted to go ice-skating unless be desires to do so.

I can say nothing about his fears. I would suggest con­sulting a good psychologist. So many things might have happened. You may not have wanted to bear him; his father may be a stern disciplinarian; he may be over­shadowed by an extroverted brother or sister. The general atmosphere of the home may account for a lot that is under the surface.

Two years ago, a new pupil came to Summerhill, a boy who was so timid and scared of everyone that he literally spoke in a whisper. Last night, I opened my office door and shouted to that boy, “Tom, stop that infernal row. I can’t talk to my visitor.” With the changed atmosphere, the fear in that boy’s psyche has disappeared.

Janet is 12 and fears wafer, even in a shallow pool. I feel she should learn to swim. As I have no success through per­suasion, is there anything I can do to remedy the situation?

Yes, if you can afford it, get a therapist to try to see why she has a phobia of water. On no account try to persuade her to swim; that will make her phobia much worse.

There may be a known origin. To be personal for a moment: my grandfather was drowned. When we were small, my grandmother would stand on the bench and yell to us: “Don’t go out any farther, or you’ll be drowned.” All of us children got a complex about drowning. It took a lot of therapy for me to overcome the fear of water. Had I been forcibly thrown into a pool to sink or swim, I might well have become a more hopeless neurotic than I am.

I have had children in my school who used to fear water; nearly all gradually overcame their fears and became good swimmers.

So, parents, no suggestion, no forcing, and worst of all no cry of coward.

Why are some children timid and fearful—almost, it would seem from birth?

I have no idea. Since the study of psychology is just barely developing, we simply do not know very much about the human personality. In the very same family, one child is an extrovert, the other an introvert. Why? We know little or nothing about pre-natal influence.

Maybe a timid child stems from an anxiety stage of the mother while she was carrying the baby. Even if this guess were established as a fact, how could we prevent the birth of a timid child? Who knows if loud noises affect the child in the womb? Who knows whether a child is fearful because his mother did not want to have him? I can offer nothing in answer to your question.

STUTTERING

My boy stutters. Neither my husband nor I understand why. Do you?

I don’t. I can only make the guess that he is trying to screen his personality, for I have never had a stuttering pupil who stuttered when acting in a play where he took on a different personality.

I have no idea how stuttering can be cured, but I be­lieve a speech therapist might help.

Дата добавления: 2015-11-16