Thumb-sucking

My dentist tells me that I must do something about my boy’s thumb-sucking. The boy is 12. How can I get him to stop it?

Thousands of children have sacked their thumbs and have gone on living normal lives. I don’t know how to stop the habit. All methods of prohibition seem to me wrong: tying up the hand, putting nasty-tasting stuff on the thumb, spanking, lecturing. They all lead nowhere, or rather they may lead to somewhere unpleasant.

Thumb-sucking must have some connection with in­fant sucking. Like biting the nails, it is a harmless symptom of some earlier phase that was never lived out. Suppress it and you may drive the boy back to worse habits—messing his pants, for instance.

I cannot see that thumb-sucking is important enough to fuss over. Every child gets over the habit in time.

SLEEP

Sam is a restless sort of kid. He just won’t go to bed on time. Most kids of ten are asleep by 10 o’clock, but Sam doesn’t fall asleep. He shifts around in bed for at least an hour or two every night. And he complains to Us, “Why do you put me to bed when I can’t sleep?” Should we permit him to roam the house until 11 or so, or until he feels really sleepy?

I should be inclined to allow him to go to bed when he wants to. Nature itself will afford him regulation in time-possibly in a short time at that.

My child refuses to go to sleep. If I let him stay up as long as he likes, the next day he is droopy and very tired at school. If I insist that he go to his room when it is time for bed, he goes but does not sleep, and again is tired all through the school day. How can I train him to go to sleep at a decent hour?

No child wants to go to bed and leave the grown-ups sitting watching TV. This boy may have some fear of being alone; or he may simply want to annoy his parents, if they are strict with him; or bed may mean to him masturba­tion and guilt, something to postpone.

The lad may be of the introverted type that never plays games or runs about. The tiredness at school may have some other cause—perhaps hate of lessons. There could be a thousand reasons for his not wanting to go to bed. Sending him to his room seems to have no effect, and should be abandoned.

In Summerhill, we sometimes get such a child. The community now and then votes that he be exempt from the bedtime rules and that he can sit up all night. The young night-owl does so for at most two nights, and then he ac­cepts the general bedtime rule. I have never heard of this method being used in a home but it might be worth trying, for compulsion is hopeless. You can test this theory by watching carefully at weekends to see if the lad is tired when there is no schooling. You may also want to consult a good psychologist.

TOYS

My little son gets too many presents from friends. He re­ceived as many as 20 at Christmas, played with a few for a short time, and now they clutter up the room. Should I refuse to let people give him toys?

Toys are 90 per cent a waste of money and material, es­pecially, the mechanical ones. According to Vance Packard, the U.S.A. is one vast waste machine with gadget super­seding gadget as the commercial agents decree.

I see children getting so many things without ever hav­ing to lift a hand to get them. The result is that these gadg­ets are often of no value to the child. So many expensive presents are seldom appreciated for long. How many gui­tars, pleaded for by Beatle fans, he unused in homes?

I fear that when greatly expanded leisure comes to our society, so very, very few will be capable of using that leisure. Today, for the masses, leisure means dog tracks, Bingo, football watching, TV watching, none of these pur­suits being in the least creative.

But as for your little boy, I don’t see how you are to prevent his getting gifts. Forbid them, and he will have a grouse against you. Besides, he’ll feel inferior to his friends who receive gifts. After all, the toys will do him no harm, and the kindly friends will go on being satisfied with their Christmas giving.

Nay, don’t forbid the gifts. Collect the junk, and later on send it all to an orphanage.

A year ago, Stevie plagued me for a punching bag. I bought it for him. After three weeks he seemed to tire of it and then badgered me for a small bowling set. I got this for him too, but his interest in it was short-lived. Now he says he is in earnest—he wants me to buy him a bicycle. Since he is somewhat puny and needs a build up of his physical self-confidence, I am eager to have him indulge in athletics. But I see that in the past he has not used what he has asked for. He is making a terrible fuss over my re­fusal to buy him a bike. Are there any conditions I should impose before making the purchase, or any promises to extract, or what?

No conditions, no promises! Your previous gifts weren’t fundamentally important enough for him; they kept him stationary in a room. A bike will let him explore the world around him. It promises adventure; the other gadgets did not.

But be prepared: he probably will ride the bike con­stantly for a week and then may forget to take it indoors and leave it out in the rain. They all do, bless ‘em.

But don’t worry about that. It is only metal that costs some money, and money can be replaced.

Parents should never lay down conditions. “// you pass this exam well, I’ll give you a bike.” Bad, very bad. And stupid, too. I can see the twinkle in the eyes of my good friend Henry Miller if someone offered him a Rolls Royce if he would sit down and write a book. Henry would laugh and throw down his pen.

See that the boy gets good instruction about road safe­ty. Handle the matter pleasantly; and if it all doesn’t work out according to your blueprint, no recriminations. The boy is far more important than the bike.

FANTASY

Should I tell my child about Santa Claus?

Dear old Santa! I thought the decrepit oldster was dead, and that Christmas cards were but memorials to his memory. These days, I never meet a child who believes in him; but then, I seldom meet unimaginative parents. In these days of steam beat and gas heaters, it must be difficult to explain that Santa comes clown the chimney. In a world populated by jets, a child with some imagination will won­der how the red-nosed reindeer manage to avoid collisions and fly unscathed.

By all means tell your child stories, but tell them as stories—not as facts. I have the impression that any parent who would hoodwink his child about Santa would deceive his child about birth and tell him the baby was brought by a stork. Such a parent is likely to tell his child that he will go to hell if he masturbates, or lose his tongue if he tells lies. Better bury old Santa, and let him rest in peace; there is enough fiction abroad in the world as things are. If you feel compelled to dress up as Santa, your child should know who is behind the white beard and the red cloak. Your child should also see his mother filling the stockings—no bunk about miracles.

My daughter, Carol, now nine, seems to sit and daydream all day long. Is fantasy bad for a child?

What is fantasy anyway? It is wishful thinking. All of us fantasy, no matter what one’s age. I have just recently dropped my fantasy that someone with a name like Rocke­feller would read my books and endow Summerhill with a million dollars, but that fantasy did not make me ignore the reality of my work. The man who built the Empire State Building must have made a daydream picture of it before he started to build. T daydreamed about writing this book. Heaven is a fantasy that comforts many people, es­pecially the bereaved. Humanists have a fantasy of an earthly paradise that is not likely to exist in our time. Granted, that most fantasies do not result in fulfillment. So if all we grown-ups fantasy, why shouldn’t a child fantasy, too? Fantasy is natural and normal. Abolish fantasy, and all stories would be too dull to read.

In any case, even if you think that fantasy is bad for a child, you cannot do anything about it.

Дата добавления: 2015-11-16