Edgar Teglee.

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Note: this stuff is different now. Joe has this whole high school thing with a cheerleader that’s super dope. Okay, here’s the old shit:

Once a renowned black velvet painter, Edgar fell into a rut years ago and now can only paint matadors. Long ago, his wife Lampita Pasionado, a beautiful flamenco dancer, ran off with a matador (Dingo Inflagrante) that Edgar had hired as a model for his painting. Now he has a form of Tourette’s syndrome, where whenever he goes to paint, he clicks his heels together, shout’s ole! And becomes his alter ego: Locoranzo Dementorio, who then paints a bullfight. In his head, Edgar is being tormented by a mystical, giant bull-spirit, known as “ Odio Toro!”

Note: that last paragraph is out of date. Ask joe for the real story. Lana Pazoni is the real-life name of Lampita Pasionado, and Dean LaGrante is the real-life name of Dingo Inflagrante.

Bobby Zilch

Dogen Boole

Dogen’s family just didn’t know what to do with him.

Benny “the Nose” Fideleo

Elka Doom

Elka’s comes from a long line of Nordic soothsayers. Her family got the name “Doom” long ago from a Nostrodamus-like ancestor who was a respected and feared fortuneteller in his tiny mountain town. He had been around as long as anyone could remember, and he had always been called “Old Man Doom” because every fortune he told was horrible, and every fortune he told came true. “One of your Oxen will commit suicide this winter,” and “You will be attacked in your sleep by someone you love,” were common Doom fortunes.

After the town’s entire grain harvest was lost to snow weevils--just as Old Man Doom had predicted once again--the townspeople got sick of his dark prophecies. They decided at a town meeting one night that Doom was causing all of these calamities, not just reporting on them. They gathered together a torch-wielding mob and charged up the hill to his house. He stopped them at the gate and said, “Wait! Before you burn my house, I must tell you—I have foreseen… a happy and prosperous year for all of you!” The villagers were surprised, but seemed satisfied with the news. It was about time for something good to happen to them they thought. So, they headed back down the mountain, chatting merrily about the future, until halfway down when a freak avalanche killed them all.

Doom was banished by the remaining townspeople, and such has been his family’s fate ever since. Elka’s ancestors have ridden a roller coaster of popularity throughout the generations. Their powerful, dark visions have made them sought by many, but resented and cursed by just as many. They’ve served as advisors to kings for a generation, and then spent the next hiding out in a cave. The Dooms’ fortune has swung from celebrity to notorious and back again, all the way up until the time of Elka’s parents.

Elka’s dad, Barney Doom, found steady work as an insurance actuary. His company is always grateful for his warnings about who not to insure. “I wouldn’t take that guy’s policy if I were you,” he’d say, “I see a lot of hardship for him and his family. A lot of malpractice, and more than a few skiing accidents.”

He met a maudlin young woman named Mabel who, instead of being repelled by Barney’s gloomy warnings, seemed to be drawn to them. She loved hearing about all the horrible things that were going to happen to people she knew, even to herself. And so when young Elka started showing a predisposition for bad news early on in her child hood (“I don’t want that puppy,” she’d say. “He’s going to get run over.”) Mabel was thrilled. More terrible news to revel in! Until one night at dinner, when Elka proclaimed, “One of you is going to have an affair this summer.”

Elka was sent to psychic summer camp immediately by her parents. Neither one of them seemed to want to hear what else she might say. So, like so many Dooms before her, Elka was banished. It’s just summer camp, her parents told her. Try to relax and have fun, they said. She tried, but from the moment she stepped off the bus a dark cloud settled over her and never left.

“I don’t like this place,” she said. “I see bad things happening here.”

Kitty Bubai