About ten minutes later, a tough-looking male nurse showed up with a syringe in between his thick fingers. Frankie didn't see him; he was shedding tears on my shoulder. His breath was agitated and I could sense his heartbeat on my neck through the pulsating vein of his temple. I was really worried about him, and not because of the injured foot. I was rubbing Frank's back to comfort him when I saw the nurse scan the room like the girl had done before.
"Oh please, tell me this is not..."
"Is he the kid that needs a sedative?" the guy's words cut off my thoughts. Upon hearing that Frank jumped, his muscles stiffening.
"N-NO! N-NO GEE D-DON'T LET HIM GIVE M-ME A SH-SHOT!"
"Yes, he is but...isn't there any other way? He hates shots..."
"Well, tell me of someone who likes them!" he scoffed roughly. "No, there's no other option, so take it or leave it. Come on, I have a lot of things to do."
"Can you please have a little bit of consideration? He's mentally ill and not exactly okay right now." Ray spat at him, standing up in front of the man to look more menacing.
"There's no need to get combative, you know? I'm just doing my damn job. You have any idea of how many patients we receive -for free- each day? Now, do I give him the sedative or not?"
"Yes..." I consented. "I hate doing this to him, but if there's no other choice... I don't think he'll allow you to find his vein, though."
"Not necessary, it's intramuscular. Guess the doctor supposed it'd be easier." he replied.
"It isn't gonna knock him out completely, is it?
"No," he puffed, rolling his eyes. "it's just to calm him down."
As soon as he touched Frank's arm, the boy started to yell as if someone was killing him, attempting to hit the nurse at any cost.
"Keep him quiet, FUCK!"
"I'm fucking trying, don't you see? I told you it wasn't a good idea." I uttered angrily.
"L-LEMME THE F-FUCK ALONE! N-NO, NO SH-SHOTS TOLD YOU! I'LL F-FUCKING KILL YOU, B-BASTARD!"
"Frankie, NO!" I wasn't fast enough to stop Frank's 'good' leg which projected forward, his heel colliding with the nurse's balls.
"FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! Now I'll teach you all how one should proceed in these cases." the guy fumed. He grabbed Frank's arm forcefully and thrust the needle with no mercy. In a quick sequence I heard Frank's screams of pain, saw his teddy bear falling to the ground and Ray's fist hitting the bestial nurse's jaw once he withdrew the needle. It didn't give me time to think of my own fear of needles.
"And don't even think of complaining to anyone, because I have many more fucking reasons to complain about you, ok?" I listened to Ray's voice while I focused on Frank. He was holding his arm, shaking and crying so hard that it looked like he was about to have a seizure. I was nearly as panicked as he was, not knowing what to do. I could only imagine what Frank was feeling; how terrified, confused and in pain he was. How close that had been to what would happen to him at the institution when he 'wasn't a good boy'.
"Baby I'm sorry. I just...I was afraid because you were so nervous and...please believe me, Frankie, I didn't want that fucker to do that to you." I held him, sniffing. Ray picked up the bear and handed it back to Frank. He hugged it under his chin, wetting it with his tears.
"I revenged you, kiddo. I bet his jaw is hurting more than your arm." my friend grinned.
"Th-that's...g-good but...but m-my foot still h-hurts, too..." Frankie mumbled in between sobs.
"It'll be better soon..." I kissed his warm forehead. "Are you mad at me?"
"N-no I'm n-not. On-only at that as-asshole. B-but Ray r-rocks so b-bad and..." he made me lower my head to add something in secret. "...l-love you."
"Love you too." I whispered back. "Please try to relax a little, everything's gonna be alright, we'll go home soon."
The sedative kicked off in no more than ten minutes, but my anxiety and concern multiplied them. I was only able to cool myself down once Frank's breathing normalized and he stopped crying.
"You better, little one?" Ray moved Frank's hair out of the way to look at his face.
"Y-yeah. I...I'm t-tired." he made himself more comfortable, leaning on my chest. Frankie was pretty small for his age and not very muscular, but he had put on some weight since he'd take his medication. Not that much, though he was heavy enough for me not to feel my legs after that long while.
He observed everything, maybe noticing for the first time that there were a lot more people in the room.
"Here, let's put on your glasses so you can see better and don't get so bored." Ray retrieved them from his bag..
"K-kay. G-gee...my f-foot's break-ed?" he slurred slowly.
"It's said broken. " I smiled. "I'm not sure...I don't think it is. The doctor will probably want to do something which is like taking a picture of your foot's bones, then we'll know."
"Wh-what...how?"
"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt at all."
"Oh...k-kay, then..." he trailed off and fixed his eyes on the people who had just sat next to us a couple of minutes before. A young woman with a -maybe- 10 years old kid who had a blue plastic cast on one leg.
"What are you looking at, weirdo?" the kid cockily addressed Frank.
"Danny!" his mother reprimanded him. Danny then talked to her in a lower voice that I could still hear.
"But mom, he is weird, look at him! His eyes are like...super crossed and he's too old to be sitting in someone's lap like that!"
"I...I'm n-not weird, I'm s-special...t-tell him, Gee!" Frank watched me with sleepy eyes before turning to the kid. "F-fuck you."
"Frankie..."
"Oh no, don't say anything to him, my son was really rude. Sorry." the woman blushed, embarrassed. She got up and dragged her son behind to go sit on the other side of the bench.
Half an hour later, we were finally called in. I had to ask Ray to carry Frank while I took some time to recover the feeling in my numb legs.
"It seems the sedative worked, didn't it?" the young bald doctor ascertained. Frankie was very quiet in Ray's arms; and when he sat him on the stretcher I had to stand behind to support him.
"Yes, it did. What doesn't work is your idiot of a nurse." I couldn't help myself. The doctor turned to me bewildered.
"What? What nurse?"
"The big guy?" Ray hinted bitterly.
"Oh, yes...what happened?"
"He was very rude to Frankie -even knowing that he's mentally ill- and scared him more than he already was. Then because the boy hit him as self defense, that beast gave him the shot in the most savage way I've ever witnessed." I related, caressing Frank's hair.
"Oh, shit...I told the manager I didn't like that guy working with kids, but he asked me to give him a chance. Don't worry, he'll know about this. I'm really sorry." he seemed sincerely upset. "Now, what's wrong with our little friend here?"
"He kicked a wall, not sure how badly injured his foot is. It's swollen, but he didn't let us touch it." I explained.
"T-told you. H-he was calling me s-stupid." Frankie pouted.
"Who, the wall?" the doctor asked him smiling.
"N-no, silly! W-walls don't t-talk! A...l-little friend that on-only I see. G-gerard told me."
"Ahh, ok. Can I see your foot? Just a second..."
"N-no...it...it h-hurts..."
"I want to know what's wrong so we can get it to stop hurting. Please? I'll be gentle." he spoke to Frank in a calm tone. It was obvious that he was used to working with kids, who very often acted like Frankie.
"K-kay but...if it h-hurts too much I'll k-kick you too."
"Deal."
While the doctor took Frank's ankle, Ray helped me restrain him. We knew he'd react at any moment. The man started to move his hands down along Frank's foot, asking whether it hurt. The answers went from negative to 'just a little' until the intrusive fingers reached the instep area.
"S-STOP IT H-HURTS!" he shouted, trying to free his limb. Ray let me know that he could take care of Frank's arms, so I immobilized his legs.
"Almost over, Frankie." the doctor palpated the swollen zone. "Alright. I don't think there's anything broken, but just in case we'll x-ray it."
"N-no, wanna go h-home, Gee..." Frank whimpered.
"This won't hurt at all, I promise." the doctor said. "Come over to the room next to this one."
Once there, the x-ray procedure was done with no major obstacles. Frankie was scared at first; but he soon realised that the man hadn't lied this time. The doctor was very good at convincing frightened patients.
"Well, everything's fine in fact. Frankie's foot's just stubbed. When you hit this spot you hit just bones, since there's barely flesh to protect them; and now the tendons are also compressed by the swelling, so of course it's painful."
"What can be done to alleviate the pain?" I questioned.
"Bandaging it would only make it hurt more, so we'll leave it like this; just make sure he doesn't step on it for two or three days depending on how the swelling goes. I'll give you a prescription for anti-inflammatories. Oh, and have him submerge the foot in water with ice at least three times a day."
"Could you give him something now? He still has to take his usual meds, and I don't think I'll be able to make him swallow any more pills at once today..." I knew that Frankie would be too exhausted by the time we got home. However, requesting that meant another shot.
"Yes, of course. I can't give him anything too strong because of the medication he's on, but some milder analgesic and anti-inflammatory will do."
I saw the doctor prepare the syringe and winced, avoiding the view. Frankie had his face hidden in the crook of my neck, too tired and sedated to take notice of everything that was being said or done. The man put the syringe in his pocket and took a can from over a shelf.
"You know, Frankie? I always have lollipops to give to the kids, but you might think you're too old for that and I didn't want to offend you." he mentioned casually. Frank lifted his face and smiled faintly.
"N-no I'm n-not too old for l-lollipops. G-gimme one?"
"He usually gets mad if we tell him he's too young for something. Of course, things change if it's about sweets!" I laughed.
"H-have s-strawberry?" he inquired, yawning and sliding his fingers under his glasses to rub his eyes.
"Let me see...yes, I have one left. Yours." the doctor handed it to the groggy teen. As Frankie struggled with the wrap, the doctor positioned himself to give him the shot.
"H-help me?" Frankie kept staring at me while I unwrapped the lollipop, and the needle penetrated his skin in a smooth motion. So carefully that it didn't even freak me out.
"Ouch!" he yelped, the needle gone when he looked at his arm. This proved that things could be done with delicacy when wanted.
"Mosquito?" the doctor smirked.
"Uh...m-maybe a h-huge one!" Frankie responded, frowning in confusion.
After leaving the hospital, we paid the pharmacy a visit and then headed home. Frankie fell asleep with the lollipop in his mouth, so I wrapped it back and saved it for later.
"Can I come in? I need to talk to you about something." Ray said once we got out of the car.
"Of course you can, Ray, but what's wrong?"
"It's not that...or well, I hope it's not." he doubted, scratching his curls. I felt a little uneasy. We stepped inside and while Ray closed the door I left Frankie on the ouch, going to the kitchen for his pill.
"Frankie...boy, you need to take your meds. Come on, then you can go back to sleep." I shook him slightly.
"Uh...n-no...I..."
"Please, here's the candy...be a good boy." I insisted with my best puppy face. I was sure I wasn't good at that, yet Frankie seemed to like it. He was smiling.
"K-kay." he sat up.
"How's your foot? Does it hurt?"
"N-no. Al-almost nothing n-now." he answered.
"Good. Let's have this done so you can rest."
"K.-kay..." he took the pill and fell asleep again as soon as his head touched the cushion.
******
"What is it, Ray? You said you needed to talk and it seemed serious..." I sat at the edge of the couch, Ray doing the same on the single one.
"You know Frank kicked the wall because he was having an argument with one of his little friends, right?" he began.
"Yeah..." I had no idea how that could relate to anything.
"And...he said one called him stupid because he said something he shouldn't have said?"
"Aha." I suddenly had many possibilities in mind, or maybe many versions for the same one.
"Well, I know what it is that he said. We were watching a movie and he made a comment..."
"About a movie? Which comment?" I was really worried, now. Frankie sometimes lost himself while watching TV.
"There was a scene where the characters were having a date, at a restaurant." Ray eyeballed me, pursing his fleshy lips like he always did when feeling unsure. "And Frankie said: 'that's like my date with Gee last night, now the boy will ask her if she wanna be his girlfriend.' He covered his mouth right after."
I stared at Ray mutely. There was no way back after that, I knew my face was saying it all. "I...we..."
"I asked Frankie. He said he couldn't speak about that, then started to talk to the little people and ignored me. Will you explain this to me, Gerard?" Ray sighed. He looked more worried than angry.
"Ok...let me tell you everything first, then we'll talk."
I told him all about me and Frank, from the beginning. How it started, my feelings, my struggle, my doubts. How at one point I was unable to reject Frankie, having the certainty that he was as capable of being in love as I was; knowing I loved him as much as he loved me. I made it clear to Ray what my relationship with Frankie was about, how I was determined to concede, how I would never force him in any way.
I also let my friend know what Mikey thought of it all, what had been my mother's reaction and even Bob's. I spoke from the heart, the bare truth, with tears in my eyes. He listened to me patiently and silently, not interrupting me at any moment.
"And that's all....which is a lot." I concluded. He looked straight at my eyes and I endured it, unashamed. I knew he would have a lot of things to tell me. I had always said Ray was like my conscience, helping me rethink things when I'd throw myself headfirst into something. I was going to hear him, respect his opinion, take his advices if I agreed with them. But no way I'd feel ashamed; I had no reason to.
"See, Gerard. Call me naive, but I'd never suspected any of this. Even thought I'm the only one who's known you're gay since long ago. I've always thought Frankie admired you because you had taken him in, that he thought of you as his big brother. And that, really, speaks well of you. Besides the fact that I've known you since we were kids and I'm sure of your decency. And it's not only that. I've taken care of Frankie for like a month and a half, I've spend many hours with him. If there was something wrong with the boy, if this relationship you two have was bad for him, I'd notice. But he's absolutely happy, he's all smiles when he talks about you and he's still as innocent as the first day I saw him. So don't worry, Gee, I'd never think anything bad of you. That would be impossible. You're a good, decent person and nothing could make me think otherwise."
"But..." I cut him off. I knew there was a 'but'.
"But...I can't just congratulate you and say everything will be alright. That wouldn't be realistic, you know? I could tell you many things about Frankie, but I think Mikey and Donna have said enough. You know you have to be careful, you know you'll need to be discrete because you could get yourself into trouble. You know that even though Frankie's 18, his mental condition could change things. So I won't preach about all that anymore. However, I do need to tell you something about yourself." he poked my chest with his index finger.
"What about myself?" I questioned, watching Frank sleep peacefully.
"You're forgetting about yourself."
"I'm not forgetting about myself, I'm doing what I feel. I love Frankie and want to be with him. Isn't that thinking about myself, too?" I retorted, trying not to raise my voice.
"Yes, it is. You're just not thinking about all this deeply enough. You're not thinking about the future. Most of all, you're not thinking about yourself as a man. A man with needs, physical needs. I know it's not the most important thing, that when you truly love somebody feelings transcend sex. But Gerard, when you talk about being ready to wait...have you considered the possibility of that moment never arriving? I don't doubt Frank's capability to feel love and understand his own feelings and yours. I know him, I know he's a smart boy in spite of all. But let's be honest: he's like a kid most of the time, he's really innocent. Not even what that boy you told me about did to him could kill that innocence. I'd say he's still essentially a virgin, in my opinion."
"I know Ray, I know and I agree. But I only want to be with him, I don't care about sex!" I whispered.
"You say that now. Are you sure you'll be able to maintain that opinion? Are you sure you'll be able to neglect your body's needs? You know that there's a possibility that Frankie will never be ready to go farther, don't you? A first experience like the one he had would leave a mark in anyone. He might not have been totally aware of what happened, but the memory remains the same." he went on, with that special way he had to speak of serious matters. Choosing the correct words, using the suitable tones. And it was effective. He always made you think, it was unavoidable.
I understood Ray. A good friend must make sure that his suddenly enthusiastic buddy had put all things into consideration before making an important decision. But this time I had. I had thought about it all, many times during sleepless nights and hard situations. I was sure, I was prepared.
"I'm sure, Ray. I truly thank you for caring so much about me. You're the best friend a fuck-up like me could have. But I've considered it all. I have no doubts." I looked at Ray with a sincere, convincing smile on my lips. Ray stood up and hugged me, sighing louder than before.
"I trust you, and I'll support you whatever you decide. But just in case, give it one more extra thought before going on with this." he said into my ear.
CHAPTER 32
The loves you lost were all in vain,
the past is all inside your brain.
I don't think you need those memories hangin' round.
Yeah, goodbye, kiss your past goodbye.
The following day, Ray didn't have an easy job with Frankie. The boy spent the whole morning and afternoon complaining that his foot hurt and that having to stay sat was boring. That last complaint was rather funny considering that his usual activities included drawing, reading, or playing games on the coffee table. He hadn't been so restless and hyperactive since he started taking the medication. He did have his moments, but surely knew how to entertain himself quietly. Ironically, now that he was supposed to stay quiet, he was dying to run around the house.
Getting him to put his foot in ice was another hard task. He was convinced that his limb would completely freeze, turn transparent and then break into millions of pieces. He'd said that to me the previous night; and even though I assured him that it wouldn't happen and he'd finally complied, he manifested the same fear to Ray the next morning. And again in the evening. Ray had patiently explained to Frankie that he had nothing to fear, but we'd surely need to repeat the same lines many more times.
Ray had already left and Frankie was sitting in front of the TV, boredom painted all over his dollish face. He was constantly shifting, not finding any comfortable enough position.
"Let me help you." I placed a cushion over the table and then carefully grabbed Frank's leg, resting his bruised foot there. The injured area had acquired a purplish coloration. "Better?"
"A l-little. I'm s-so bored." he protested. I cupped his face with my hands and kissed him, succeeding at making him smile.
"Is this any better?"
"Y-yeah it...it is."
"Then give me a couple of minutes to get things done in the kitchen and I'll come back to amuse you. We could play something, too." I pecked his lips one more time.
"K-kay." he nodded. "H-hurry up."
"I will. Before I leave...sure you don't need to go to the bathroom?" I asked. He didn't have the required equilibrium to jump around on one foot. He thought for a moment, leaning his head lazily on the backrest.
"Uh...n-no."
"Ok. But if you need to, please call me. Don't try to get up on your own, understood?" I remarked.
"I...I kn-know. I'll c-call you."
I began to put everything I had brought from the supermarket in place and then went about my culinary tasks. I wanted to have dinner at least half ready so I would only have to cook it later. In the meantime, I'd be left with some free time to spend with Frankie.
I'd endeavored to get better at cooking, wanting Frank to eat properly and not to live -like I'd done so far- on just junk food, pre-cooked meals or frozen stuff. My mother had kindly handed me many of her recipes, together with some expert advices.
I had gathered all the needed elements and was going over the ingredients, when I heard a yelp followed by the sound of something falling...or someone. I turned round and saw Frankie sprawled on his stomach on the corridor's floor, just in front of the kitchen's door.
"Oh, fuck! Baby, are you ok?" I ran to check on him.
"Y-yeah...f-fell." he answered, seemingly unhurt. He was supporting himself on his elbows, not making any attempt to stand up.
"Why did you get up from the couch?"
"N-needed to p-pee."
"Frankie! I told you to call me, I don't want you getting hurt again!" I sighed, my hands under his arms to help him up. "Come on, I'll take you to the bathroom."
"N-no, l-leave me!" he pushed my hands away and rested his head on his crossed arms.
"Babe, I'm not gonna leave you on the floor and...didn't you say that you needed to go pee?"
"N-not anymore." he mumbled.
"You'd already gone when you fell? I didn't hear you..."
"Y-yeah...no...l-leave me." he repeated, sniffing.
Disregarding his request I lifted him, one of my hands under his right knee to keep that leg from touching the floor.
"N-noo." he pleaded.
"Why, Frankie?" I kissed his head, pausing to see what was wrong. He looked down at himself, so I did the same. Then I understood why he wanted me to leave him lying there. There was a large wet spot at the front of his pants and a little puddle on the floor.
"S-sorry..." he murmured, shaking. I fully carried him in my arms, rubbing my cheek against his head.
"Oh no, Frankie. You don't have to apologize, it was just an accident. You fell and couldn't get to the bathroom, that's all!" I wasn't even going to reprimand him again for not calling me. He felt embarrassed enough.
"I...I'm s-sorry Gee, p-please don't b-be mad...s-sorry." he kept saying in a whisper, not listening to me.
"Frankie...baby, look at me." I waited until he did. "I'm not mad, never said I was. I'd never get mad about something like this. I know other people used to get angry at you 'cause of these kind of things, but I'm different. I love you. You understand?"
"Y-yes. I...I d-didn't want to. It...it just...es-escaped when I fell..." he insisted.
"I know, it's fine. I'll help you get changed now."
"K-kay." he hugged me, kissed my lips, and hid his face under my chin.
I told him to stand by the bed and grip the headboard while I lowered his pants and boxers, always looking at his eyes not to make him feel uncomfortable. Then I sat him on the bed and got the clothes off his feet.
"I c-can put th-that on." he pointed at the dry clothes beside him.
"Alright! Tell me if you need help with something." I knew it was safe to let him since he had the bed to hold on to.
"Y-yeah, kay."
I turned my back to him, collecting everything that needed to be washed and throwing it into a wicker basket.
"G-gee?" he called. When I looked at him he was on his feet -or well, foot- with jeans and boxers by his ankles. It was really awkward for me to see Frank naked. Ray was right with part of what he had said to me: I couldn't totally kill my natural instincts, normal human instincts. Frankie was my boyfriend, I loved him and I couldn't deny that I felt tempted to look at him. It wasn't a dirty feeling, I just loved everything about him. Yet, staring seemed kind of wrong considering that he was so innocent. A huge battle was taking place inside my head.
"G-gee...why you ar-aren't looking at me?" he questioned, worried.
"It's just that...can you finish getting dressed by yourself? If you can't I'll help you. I just...don't want to make you feel bad, you know? Looking at you with no pants..." I babbled.
"Y-you're my b-boyfriend. B-boyfriends can see e-each other n-naked, c-can't they?"
I stared into his inquisitive, beautiful bright eyes and smiled, unsure of what to answer. "I...I don't know, baby."
"Y-you don't kn-know?" he frowned and sat on the bed. "Y-you never had a b-boyfriend? Y-you're older..."
"Yes, I did have a boyfriend before." I confessed, sitting too. Frankie was the only person to know it besides Ray. I knew I had to tell him, it was only fair. Besides, I felt secure with him; at ease, in peace.
"Oh. An-and then why you ar-aren't with him an-anymore? Wh-what happened?" he inquired. There was no jealousy in his tone, no ill feeling. He touched my face softly when he saw me look down; and when I glanced back at him he appeared worried. The boy was kind-hearted beyond belief. His honest concern made my eyes water. It didn't matter anymore if he was naked or not because I was seeing him deeper, I was seeing his soul. The most beautiful soul I had ever known. And I spoke, I told him what only my best friend knew.
"His name's Gabriel. We met when I moved here and soon fell in love. I'd never had a real boyfriend or girlfriend, though I'd always known I liked boys a lot more."
"M-me too!" he commented grinning. "Wh-what else?"
"I was so in love that I didn't mind it if everybody knew I was gay. I wanted to proudly introduce him to my family as my boyfriend. But...Gabriel didn't think the same. He'd only had girlfriends so far and didn't want people to find out that he was with a boy. So he told me not to tell anybody. He said that he loved me and didn't want to lose me, but we could only be together if we kept it a secret.
"Y-you couldn't t-tell your family and f-friends?"
"No...he didn't want anyone to know. He was afraid that if I told my family and friends then his people might hear about it too. It was like...he was ashamed of himself!"
"Wh-why? Grace s-said it's okay to l-like boys."
"I know, it is. I didn't understand him either, it was stupid, but I liked him so much that I did what he said. We'd only kiss and...all that when we were here at my house. He lived with his parents so we'd never go there." I said that part selecting my words carefully. Of course Gabriel and I would also have sex, everything was fine in that aspect; I just didn't want to include details that could incommode Frankie. "Once, Ray accidentally saw us sharing a quick kiss at the door. Only I noticed. When Gabriel left I told Ray everything because I knew he would keep the secret. He promised, even though he wasn't too happy. He was always telling me to leave Gabriel, that a relationship under those kind of conditions wasn't good for anyone. Ray was right, but back then I'd get angry every time he said it."
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