"G-GEE!" Frank screamed, touching my shoulder. I had totally forgotten that he stayed in the kitchen while I was on the phone.
"What's it, baby?"
"C-come to the k-kitchen...there's b-bugs! K-kill them?" he pleaded and pushed me in that direction.
"I'm coming!"
"O-open it slowly!" he referred to the door, which he had left closed. I complied and we both entered, Frankie hiding behind me.
"Well, I see no bugs...but I smell pee." I smirked, following my nose to the trashcan whose bottom was, in fact, filled with the yellowish liquid.
"P-pee? N-no, no pee. B-bugs! The-there, silly, not in the f-fucking trashcan!" he pointed under the table.
"Ok, let's see."
"K-kill them, Gee! If...if you d-don't...then bats w-will come too...to e-eat them. D-don't want b-bats here!" he hurried me while he tried to get on a chair.
"Oh, no no...I'll kill them, but you better not climb anything. Wait here." I lifted him and sat him on the table.
"K-kay."
After 'killing the bugs' with a broom, I stood in front of Frank and kissed his lips briefly. "Now tell me, what happened to the trashcan? You should have told me you needed to pee, even if I was on the phone, it doesn't matter." I wasn't reprimanding him; but since it seemed that problem wasn't going to change, I wanted to insist on him telling me when he needed to go to the bathroom. Frankie frowned, evidently confused.
"I...I didn't p-pee there! I kn-know where the b-bathroom is!" he defended himself.
"Of course you know, you just get confused sometimes, that's all. See the pee here?"
"It...it w-was Puppy! Gu-guess I forgot to t-take him to the p-patio. Yep. I'll s-slap his ass. B-but not h-hard, he's a b-baby." he went on, waving his hands around.
"Puppy's too short to reach the trashcan..." I remarked. He swung his legs and thought for some seconds.
"Y-yeah, you're r-right. S-so...I d-did that?"
"Yes, baby..."
"D-didn't know! I...I th-thought it was the b-bathroom. R-really, Gee...d-don't be mad?" he bit his lip, twisting the hem of his t-shirt.
"I'm not mad at all." I threw my arms around his small body and kissed his cheek repetitively. "R-really?" he looked up with wet eyes. It'd been his first time accepting that it could have been him who peed in the wrong place. Not exactly admitting it, though, since he didn't know how it had occurred.
"Really. I know you didn't mean to do it, don't worry about that." I calmed him down. "But...try to remember telling me when you need to go? It doesn't matter if I'm busy, I'll leave what I'm doing and guide you, ok?"
"K-kay. I'll t-tell you." he grabbed my face and kissed me sweetly. "Y-you're very nice, l-love you!"
"And I love you too, very very much!" I replied. "Before cleaning that I'm gonna prepare your special candy."
"C-can I have t-two? One...n-non special?" he asked me.
"Well, we're having dinner soon but I guess you can for today." I was unable to say 'no' to those eyes.
I made sure that he had swallowed the candy with the pill and then gave him the promised extra one. Next, I emptied the trashcan into the toilet and washed it in the sink. Frankie was silent, maybe still a little worried because of the 'accident'.
"G-gee..." he broke the silence.
"Yes?"
"C-can we make c-cookies some d-day? Y-you weren't here wh-when Ray and D-donna and I m-made them. W-wanna make c-cookies with you!" he said happily.
"I'd love to. But you'll have to teach me because I've never made cookies!" I told him. Frank got serious.
"I...d-dunno if I r-remember!" he whispered.
"Next time you see my mom, tell her to write down the recipe. You'll have your glasses soon, so you will be able to read it to me."
"Y-yes! We c-can do that." he agreed grinning. It was good to see him so interested in something, so happy to be able to do it. I could make cookies with him everyday just to see him smile like that.
******
As days went by, Frankie's hallucinations became more sporadic. Puppy seemed to be the most resistant one, although he didn't remember the dog all the time; only when he was too bored or about to go to sleep. Then he'd call him and hold him in his arms, or place him on the bed at our feet. Deep inside I was hoping he'd never stop seeing his imaginary pet. I was afraid of how he could react.
On the other hand, Frank's improvement had a downside for me. I was suddenly having trouble to keep him entertained. He used to spend a good part of the day talking to the gnomes and the little people, or arguing with the voice in his head. If not, he'd be amused watching butterflies on the ceiling or ladybugs that -according to him- walked along the walls. That without mentioning the bad hallucinations. Now he seemed to have a lot of free time, and in many occasions I'd find him just sitting on the floor or the couch looking at nothing, like in a trance. It wasn't easy to get him out of that state, so we'd try to avoid that by talking to him or thinking of things for him to do. There weren't many given the fact that his sight was very poor.
Our relationship was slowly growing. We'd kiss randomly, cuddle as often as possible and have make out sessions on the couch. Frankie had gotten really good at kissing without losing that innocence and tenderness; he'd still smile all the time while we kissed and giggle while our tongues danced together. I'd always stay focused on not going too far while touching him, I didn't want to scare him. From what he had told me about his boyfriend, they'd only say they were boyfriends but had never really done anything.
When we were together, Frank wouldn't do much more than caress my hair, entangle his fingers in it, or just stay with his arms around my neck; yet he seemed to enjoy my soft touch.
Another thing I noticed was that he hadn't touched himself anymore since he was on his meds. I knew that one of the side effects could be lack of sexual desire, but I didn't give that much thought. Sex wasn't something in my mind when I thought of Frankie, not at the moment because it seemed out of place. I couldn't say I had never imagined it, I had; but I knew it wouldn't happen any time soon. Maybe it would never happen, it was a possibility. Either way I'd wait, I would never try anything without being totally sure that he was prepared for it.
******
It was Friday already, and by the afternoon I took Frankie to the oculist. The office was at the man's house, a pretty chalet with terracotta brick walls and a colorful garden.
"G-gee, you t-told me you'd b-buy me f-flowers to plant at h-home." Frankie reminded me.
"I know, I will soon, I promise." That was something that I definitely wanted to do with him, I'd get to it as soon as I could.
While we were waiting, I was told that Frankie needed to have drops applied to dilate his pupils. I said I'd do it myself, and though it wasn't easy to convince him to stay quiet, I finally won. Even if he looked really weird -his eyes almost completely black- when the drops worked; he didn't seem to feel anything. I'd heard people see blurry with dilated pupils, but maybe it had always been like that for him, because he didn't complain or comment about it.
When the ophthalmologist indicated us to enter the room, Frank gasped and clung to me. The rather young man -not more than 40- was extremely tall and had a strong voice, which intimidated the kid.
"Frank, right?" he asked. "I'm David."
"W-wanna go h-home." Frankie whispered to me.
"He likes to be called Frankie." I told the doctor. "Would you give us a minute?"
"Of course." David assented. I took Frank outside again and, sitting him on my lap, I tried to explain everything the oculist might be doing to him and that there was nothing to be afraid of. I also made him think about how many more things he would be able to do once he had his glasses and could see better. He finally didn't seem so afraid and agreed to go back into the office.
"Sorry for the wait, David. He's a little scared." I apologized.
"Don't worry, I understand." he said while preparing some instruments. "It doesn't hurt, Frankie."
"B-but...but you h-have to see m-my eyes?"
"Yes, I need to examine them."
"N-no...don't w-want! M-my eyes are all w-weird and f-fucked up. D-don't look at th-them!" he closed his eyes tight. The doctor and I smiled.
"I'm an eye doctor, I've seen a lot of people whose eyes are like yours, it's normal for me."
"R-really? N-never seen o-one!" Frank opened them wide again "C-can you f-fix them?"
"I'm not sure, anyway you shouldn't be ashamed of it."
"K-kay." he seemed convinced this time, knowing that there were many cross-eyed people.
"Oh, doctor...it can be a little hard to make him follow instructions, hope it's not a problem." I commented.
"Not at all. I've worked with some of Doctor Goldberg's patients before, so I know how to proceed with them. He called a couple of days ago and told me about Frankie. He also assured me there's no damage in the sight area of his brain, the problem is most probably just genetic."
Frankie behaved very well during the examination. Sure, he needed to be told some things more than once, but the doctor was patient. The boy was interested in knowing what each instrument was for and asked a lot of questions, reminding me of a child again. It got a little frustrating for him at one point when, as much as he forced his eyes, he couldn't distinguish most of the letters from the chart. Then David began to try different lenses on the machine and Frank's mood lightened back. He applauded, squealed and screamed joyfully every time he was able to read a letter. It was amusing to see.
"Ok, we're done Frankie!" David said. I nodded, waiting for the report on Frank's sight condition while he ran to investigate the office.
"Frankie has high myopia and astigmatism. It could have been early stopped and corrected had he used glasses when he was much younger. Now correction can be very slow -if even possible, although thanks to the glasses he'll be able to at least see close to normally. Laser surgery is an option but he's still too young for it, it's advised for people older than 25." he explained.
"What about his eye deviation?" I asked.
"That has to do with the muscles of the eyeballs. I guess the problem always existed and got worse after years of forcing his eyes to see. It can be treated or operated in some cases, but I wouldn't recommend it now. I think it's more important to control his sight problem, two more years and he'd be nearly blind. Make sure Frankie wears his glasses all the time so it doesn't get any worse." he continued.
I swallowed, almost choking. "I understand, I will."
David wrote down the prescription and the address of an optician he recommended to get the glasses done. Not wanting to waste any more time, that's where we headed afterwards.
***********************
The optician was a woman in her fifties, not even nearly as nice as Goldberg or David. I didn't care about her personality though, as long as she was good doing her job it'd be alright.
She read the prescription and informed me that for such a high graduation like Frank needed, there were two options of eyeglasses: one was the classic bottle-bottom glass, which was rather ugly and made eyes look tiny. Then you could also have the same graduation in a much thinner, not distortive glass. However, that second alternative was considerably more expensive.
I observed Frankie, who was dragging his feet along the store looking at the numerous frames exposed. People could be cruel, I knew that and had witnessed it. What's more, there were already many reasons for those idiots to discriminate Frank or laugh at him. Why add a new one when it could be avoided? Some assholes made fun of kids just for wearing glasses, my brother knew of that. Condemning Frank to wear horrid, thick-glassed ones was almost a crime. My dad's watch would have to stay in the pawn shop for a little longer.
"Thin eyeglass, please." I made up my mind. "Which frames can he choose from?"
"Whatever he wants." the optician answered shortly, not even looking up from what she was reading. "And tell the kid to keep his hands off the windows."
People who had to interact with others everyday should at least try to be more friendly...
"Well Frankie, choose the frame you'd like for your glasses." I told him. He smiled and clapped his hands, quite enthusiastic. I hoped the enthusiasm would last him for when he had to wear them.
After wandering through all the displays, he tugged at my t-shirt and pointed to his selection. "Th-this one!"
"Are you sure, Frankie? Don't you prefer some thinner, colored ones?" I stared at the biggish, black, thick rimmed frame.
"N-nope...want th-this!"
I communicated the decision to the woman, who reluctantly took the frame out of the display and gave it to Frank to try it. Whatever doubts I might have had about Frank's choice, disappeared when I saw him wearing it. The thick black rim perfectly framed his beautiful hazel eyes and amazingly, it made his little face even cuter.
"You look very handsome." I whispered in his ear. He shuddered, giggling. We left after being told that the glasses would be ready for Tuesday.
******
It was late at night. Since we weren't too tired, we had been lying on the bed just talking. When Frankie turned his back to me and I heard no more from him, I assumed he'd fallen asleep and grabbed a magazine to read while I waited for sleep to come.
All of a sudden, I felt his lips behind my ear, kissing lightly. Caught by surprise, I dropped the magazine. When I rolled to look at him, he had returned to his previous position and I could hear him giggle. I got closer and, supporting myself on an elbow, planted kisses from his shoulder to his temple. He shivered and laughed, but remained quiet. I kissed the side if his mouth, hovering above him, yet not touching him. He looked at me sleepily but inviting, my lips drawn to his while my hand petted his hair. He responded to the kiss and hummed softly. My elbow gave up and I fell to the bed, my chest against his back. I wrapped my arm around his waist, intending to turn him over to face me. Frank jumped and sat up.
"N-no...I d-don't think I wanna d-do that."
"Frankie, what's wrong baby? Do what?" I questioned worried. He looked scared.
"D-do...that...that th-thing boyfriends do...m-make love?" he left me perplexed.
"What? No! I...wasn't going..."
"G-grace told me n-not to accept th-that again. N-no. N-not again." he whispered.
Had I understood well? Frankie'd had sex? Besides the fact that I had never thought it possible, the way he said it and what Grace had told him made me think something was wrong. Frank was sitting on the pillow, his knees folded against his chest and his head down. He seemed embarrassed.
"Frankie...you've had sex? Or...made love?" I rephrased my question, thinking he might not understand otherwise.
"I...on-only once. W-with my b-boyfriend." he replied.
"But...didn't you tell me he wouldn't even want to kiss or hold hands?" I was confused.
"Y-yeah. H-he always said n-no kissing or h-holding hands. B-but then once h-he said we'd do s-something boyfriends did, th-that we'd m-make love. I...I d-didn't know if I w-wanted, didn't kn-know how it w-was but h-he said 'w-we're boyfriends, so we h-have to'." he recalled, and I let him talk. "T-told him it h-hurt, but he s-said it'd pass and didn't w-want to stop. Th-then felt kinda g-good but...but I d-didn't like it an-anyway. H-hurt a l-lot and...I w-was bleeding."
He was barely sniffing while telling me all that. I made a fist of my hand, fighting back tears.
"Did you tell Grace?" I tried not to show how concerned I was. That guy had practically raped him and Frankie talked about it as if it was normal.
"N-nope. J-john said not to t-tell 'cause everybody would kn-know and make f-fun of us. H-he cleaned me up and...and p-put some cream...d-down there. Ev-every time I said it h-hurt he was n-nice and put me the c-cream and said 'g-gonna be fine'." he went on, saying the guy's name for the first time.
"How did Grace find out, then?"
"J-John wanted to d-do it again one d-day and I d-didn't, so I g-got angry and s-screamed and Grace h-heard. W-we were n-naked and she kn-knew. And...and I t-told her we had d-done it before. Th-then they took my b-boyfriend to an-another place, d-didn't see him any-more." he spoke messily. "'D-don't let anyone d-do that to you a-again'. She s-said that."
I was left frozen, I felt cold despite the high temperature. I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say.
"Ar-are you mad? I l-love you Gee. D-don't like John an-anymore. B-but...Grace said n-not to do th-that. N-no." I heard his voice and raised my eyes. He was looking at me, waiting for me to tell him something. He wasn't crying, he didn't realise the meaning of what he'd just confessed to me. The poor sweet boy was just afraid that I would be mad at him for not wanting to make love!
I needed to say something.
CHAPTER 23, PART 1
So nobody ever told us baby
how it was gonna be.
So what'll happen to us, baby?
Guess we'll have to wait and see
"Oh no baby, I'm not mad!" I desperately grabbed Frank's face, wanting to get his main concern out of the way.
"N-no?"
"No, Frankie, I'm not. I wasn't expecting us to make love, I wasn't even thinking of it. I just wanted to kiss you, I swear." I caressed his cheeks.
"K-kissing is o-okay. I...I l-like kissing a l-lot." he gave me a confused smile. Leaving his face, my hands took his shaky ones in a firm grip the way he liked it, obliging them to stay quiet. Sometimes he'd even come to me and ask for it, sitting on my lap and usually falling asleep.
"Frankie," I looked him in the eyes. "you know what John did was wrong, don't you? No one should make you do that if you don't want to."
"B-but we were b-boyfriends...he s-said boyfriends make l-love."
"That... that's not making love, that's having sex. Two people who love each other and take the decision together do make love. It wasn't making love if you didn't want to do it..." I explained, but Frank didn't seem to understand much. I knew I wasn't good at explaining and this situation had caught me off guard.
"I d-didn't know 'cause...'cause I d-didn't know how it w-was. B-but he said we w-would make l-love and it was o-okay..." he continued. I wasn't sure of how much I should tell him. He probably wouldn't even grasp the meaning of rape. What's more, I didn't want to add any other fear or trauma to his list.
"Baby...did Grace say something more to you about that after she found out?" I asked.
"Uh...h-he said. S-said he was my b-boyfriend. I...th-thought would be g-good but...b-but...dunno. N-no." Frankie appeared to be distracted, lost.
"But did Grace have a conversation with you?" I repeated.
"I...I d-don't remember. G-grace...she t-talked to me but I d-don't remember. T-too weird...w-words...n-no dunno wh-what else...I..." he battled with his thoughts, jerking a hand off my grip and slamming it against his temple. I realised I was pushing him beyond his brain's limits.
"Shh, no...easy, don't force yourself. I'm sorry Frankie, you don't need to remember anything else. Come here, close your eyes and try to sleep." I motioned for him to lie back on the bed. He positioned his head on my chest, his right arm across my waist. The tips of my fingers covered his mouth when he tried to speak. "No more speaking, you need to rest. Everything is fine, you're fine and I'm fine. Just...know that I'll never ever make you do anything if I'm not completely sure that you want it too. Never, so don't be afraid, please trust me. I'd never hurt you, Frankie."
"P-promise?" he murmured.
"I promise. I love you, kiddo." I kissed the top of his head, moving to his lips when he looked up smiling warmly.
"M-muah!" he giggled, then let his eyelids fall. "G-good night, G-gee."
"Good night, doll."
He was dreaming in no time, but I couldn't sleep. I was pondering about the reason why some things happened. Some people would say: 'you get what you deserve' or 'you harvest what you sow'. I was convinced that was bullshit -or at least it was in many cases. What could Frankie have done to deserve all that? What wrong could that poor boy have done before even being born to receive blow after blow? What punishment could that angel deserve; he, who didn't even complain about his luck?
Maybe it was for the best that he didn't understand the gravity of what John had done. He didn't need any more worries to mess up his mind. On my part, I'd do my best not to scare him. I would pay extra attention to my actions and make sure I didn't cross the line. I liked to make him feel good, loved, wanted. Touch, kiss, caress him; because I knew that he enjoyed that. I'd see him smile and sigh contently.
I wouldn't lose sight of his eyes, his gestures. He was like an open book sometimes, you could read it all by looking at him. All he couldn't say, all the words his head couldn't process, it was all there nonetheless. You only had to learn to see it.
We would be fine. If destiny had put Frankie on my way, if it had made us fall in love with each other, now it had to make things work. This ought to be something good to stop all the shit life had thrown at him and all the shit I had thrown upon myself.
"We'll be fine." I voiced, and shut up my mind for the night.
******
I had to work for some hours on Saturday, so my trip was postponed for Sunday. My initial idea was to go by myself and leave Frankie with Ray; but the boy had eavesdropped us both speaking about it and said that he wanted to go too. He'd actually only heard that it was going to be a rather long ride, which had been enough to spark his interest. The problem was that I couldn't go alone with Frankie. I didn't know what I'd find there, who I'd find there. I didn't want Frank to be seen until I was certain that he wouldn't be at risk, so needed someone to stay with him inside the car.
I wasn't going to ask Ray, he'd done too much for us. However, he noticed me doubting when Frankie was begging me to take him. My afro-haired friend guessed what the inconvenience was and offered to come with us. He said it was decided and didn't let me argue. Frankie's celebratory dance around him left me with no more words to say.
******
While I was trying to leave the house somewhat clean before departing, the phone rang. It was Ray with a preoccupied voice. He apologized, telling me that his dad had just let him know that he would be needing him that afternoon. Ray couldn't say no to him if he wanted to keep the job, yet he was very concerned and felt like he was failing me. I assured him it wasn't that important.
Still, the option of going there with no one to keep an eye on Frank didn't appeal me. The only other possibility was my mother, but she would be working all day.
"Who else...who else...think!" I spoke to myself, rubbing my temples.
"Is...is h-he in your h-head now?" Frankie asked worried "N-not in mine an-anymore!"
"Eh? Oh...no baby, there's no one in my head. I was just...thinking aloud." I smiled.
"Ah...'b-bout what?"
"Ray can't come with us, neither can Donna. So I'm thinking of who else could."
"Ah. C-can Puppy c-come?" he semi ignored me.
"Yes, no problem."
"Yay!"
"Oh, I have it!" I suddenly exclaimed, startling Frank. I got up and dialed the number.
"Bob! Oh, good that you're home! Do you have something to do the rest of the day?"
"Uh no...did you finally decide to accept my invitation? Will we go on a day-long bar rally or something?" he chuckled.
"Shut up, I told you that wouldn't happen!"
"Ok, ok! What then?"
"I found out something about 'that' and I need to go somewhere to know more. But...it's a 3 hours ride, it'll take me almost the whole day and I don't have anyone to leave Frankie with..."
"Want me to stay home with the kid?"
"No!" I hurried to say. He might be my friend, but he wasn't the kind of guy I'd trust to take care of Frankie all day. "I was gonna ask you if you could come with us. You know, to stay with him in the car if needed and so..."
"Yeah, sure! I'm pretty bored and have nothing to do until late at night so...that's the best offer I've had so far. Do I move my ass over there now?" he sounded excited.
"Yes, please, wanna leave as early as possible."
******
"Where's the crazy little buddy? You've never let me meet him!" Bob blurted out as soon as he crossed the door. I hoped Frankie hadn't heard him.
"Shhh! Don't you ever call him that again, understood?" I told him, not really joking.
"Oh...sorry. I didn't mean it in a bad way, I swear!"
"I know, but it's not nice and he hates it. Let me find him, he was here a minute ago." I looked around until I spotted Frankie hiding behind the couch.
"Hey, what are you doing here?"
"N-nothing." he murmured.
"Then come here and meet my friend Bob, he's going to come with us." I lent him my hand to get up.
"N-no..."
"Come on..." I lifted him from the floor and walked towards Bob, Frank moving backwards hugging my waist.
"I don't bite, kid!" Bob touched his head.
"He's been shyer since he takes his meds." I explained.
Frank turned to him slowly. "H-hi." he muttered.
"Hi, Frankie! Please to meet you! Gerard talks a lot about you." Bob tried to start a conversation, seeing as Frankie was still reticent. "I like your hair!" he ruffled it. "Maybe I should let mine grow, what do you think?"
Frank let go of me and stood in front of Bob, seeming to examine him. He tilted his head to the right and then to the left, his eyes wide and attentive. Then he squinted, getting even closer and touching Bob's face with both hands. The blond one stayed quiet, intrigued. Finally Frankie sat on the couch, laughing. "Y-you'd look kinda f-funny with l-long hair!"
"Yeah?" Bob scratched his beard.
"Yes Bob, I think Frankie's right." I patted his arm. "I'll leave you both alone for a while so you can get to know each other better. I'll go change and get some last things ready."
"Ok!" he nodded.
When I came back minutes later, Bob was sitting on the coffee table in front of Frank. They were singing something I couldn't get, playing one of those games where you had to clap your hands at certain parts.
"It seems you're getting along?" I laughed.
"Yeah, this kid is fun! He's just so small and cute...can I have my own to play with?" Bob replied with a stupid grin. I knew he wasn't joking, though. He could be really immature at times.
"Bob...Frankie's not a toy."
******
We still had half the way to go and my head already felt swollen. I was starting to regret having called Bob. Frankie and he hadn't stopped talking, singing and having tickling wars. I joined them for a while -minus the tickling of course- but then I got tired. They didn't, though.
"Gerard...how long till we arrive?" Bob questioned. I couldn't believe it.
" Bobby...Frankie asking that once and again is one thing, but you?"
"Well, it's hot here!" he protested.
"Sorry, buddy...the air is broken and I don't have money to get it fixed. Besides, if you both stayed quiet it wouldn't be so hot."
"Oh, and what's a car trip without some fun? Frankie agrees!"
"Y-yep, it's f-fun!" I saw him smirk through the rearview mirror.
"Ok...open the windows more, but make sure Frankie doesn't stick any part of his body out of the car, ok?"
"Yeah..." Bob said tiredly while quickly lowering the windows.
"I mean it Bob, he's very capable." I sent him a serious look.
"Uh yeah, sorry, understood."
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