Frankie continued to read until the book fell from his hands, indicating that he was falling asleep. I restored the encyclopedia to the table and hugged him, closing my eyes too. I sensed him turn, and when I opened my eyes his face was glued to mine.
"Oh, hi there! Thought you were sleeping!"
"W-want some k-kisses first." he smiled groggily.
"I have many of those..." I placed my hands on his cheeks and kissed him deeply. He tasted like orange, contrasting with his strawberry smell. The kissing became lazier but not less heartfelt. He was slightly shaking now, hands around my neck. I was massaging his scalp with my fingertips, for I knew it helped him relax before sleeping.
"Boys...oh sorry! I was gonna ask you if you wanted something to drink...chocolate milk perhaps?" my mom appeared from behind the couch.
I was already praying that she had other plans for the rest of the week.
CHAPTER 30
Light a candle, blow the world away,
table for two on a tv tray.
It ain't fancy, baby, that's ok.
Our time, our way.
When my mom said she'd taken a week off, it seemed she really meant off everything. Everything but us. I hadn't been wrong about her wanting to keep us watched. During the following week, there wasn't a single day when she didn't come over early in the morning. She ended up telling Ray to take a break from babysitting Frankie and not content enough with that, she'd always stay until night.
My mother allowed me and Frankie to kiss and cuddle, but she'd always maintain a close surveillance. Whenever our kissing got deeper, our hands started moving, or our position was too horizontal for her liking, she'd coincidentally have something to tell us; or some baked goods to offer. She never admitted that it was on purpose and would say she 'didn't know' or 'didn't want to interrupt', but I knew those were no coincidences.
Once she even stayed over and offered to sleep with Frankie, alleging that in that way I'd have a carefree night for a change. Needless to say, Frank didn't like the idea.
Somehow I understood her, I guessed it was a natural maternal instinct. Good mothers like mine could be overprotective with those who seemed weaker or vulnerable, even if they were not their own kids. Anyway, I would have preferred her to be more direct instead of using that badly concealed vigilance.
Finally and luckily, the week was over and she reluctantly announced that she wouldn't be able to visit us for some days. In my opinion, I hadn't given her any reason to worry about Frankie or me, and I hoped she felt the same. I needed her to trust me, to understand that I loved Frank and love was all our relationship was about.
Frankie was evidently never aware of my mother's real intentions and it made him sad that he wouldn't see her so often anymore. He had enjoyed having a mom for once. This was also why I'd chosen to put up with her always being around without protesting. Frank deserved to know what it was like to have a mother.
Another positive side to my mother's presence was that even though I had felt the urge to drink numerous times, the fear of her finding out had always stopped me. It'd been hard and painful, specially late at night when she wasn't there. The temptation was enormous; I'd get tense, my palms would start sweating and I'd pace the house in circles, Frankie watching me puzzled or sometimes amused. His face was the main thing keeping me from leaving the house to buy alcohol, then. It got a little easier and better to endure as the days went by and the memory of those last two bottles of whiskey faded away.
The previous day, Frankie had seen Goldberg again. I was afraid of what he could say about the way I'd handled some matters. I had given Frank permission to still talk to his imaginary friends and told him Puppy was real, only sometimes invisible. However, the doctor said it was okay. The only important point was to have Frank know that those things or beings were not real, and the boy appeared to understand it well enough. Then it was the patient's family's choice whether to allow the conversations to go on. About Puppy, he agreed that it had been the best thing to do at the moment considering how Frank had reacted; but I'd have to think of a way to tell him the truth. I could either do the same as with the gnomes and the little people, or try getting him a real dog and see if he forgot about the non-existent one. A dilemma that wasn't easy to resolve.
Frank's condition hadn't changed much during that last week. He'd still have hallucinations once in a while and the psychiatrist said they probably wouldn't go away entirely, since the medication had already been acting long enough. He was satisfied with the improvements nonetheless, and noticed Frankie a lot happier and more talkative now that he could see better. He opined that trying a different medication could be risky and unnecessary save in the case that any serious health problem appeared related to the current one. We could, though, increase the dose and see if that stopped the hallucinations, but Frank might be more sedated and less responsive.
I didn't need to think much about it, I instantly refused. I didn't mind Frank talking to his imaginary friends, it wasn't a problem for me at all. I would not have him completely drugged up like they'd do in that place he had lived in. Goldberg was actually glad I thought that way; but he informed that it was okay to give Frankie a quarter or even half a pill more if he got too nervous or aggressive, which could sometimes happen.
The reading and comprehension practice hadn't gone too well so far. Frankie would either refuse to do it, get tired pretty soon or feel frustrated because he couldn't tell me much about what he read. The doctor told me to insist and be patient. Reading aloud -which Frank loved to do- was very good for him too.
I was, in general, happy with this visit to the doctor and the way things had been evolving.
On the subject of my investigation, things were stuck. I had called the institution one hundred times through all the week asking for Grace. Every time I was told that she was busy with patients and they couldn't get her at the moment. I didn't want to speak to any other person than her, so I'd continue to try.
******
That day I woke up with an idea in my head. It could have led someone to say I was the crazy one, but I didn't care.
I was supposed -or at least that's what I had decided- to separate a little part of my payment each month to try and gather the money to get my father's watch back. It would take time, since there were bills to pay and expensive medication to buy. What's more, we had to eat; and even with my mother's help things were tight. For this reason, thinking of using that 'watch-destined' money for an extra spending didn't seem like a good idea, yet it was worth it. It was something I had to do, I needed to do.
I arrived home with some bags that, in spite of Frank's pleas for me to show him, I hid in the upper part of the closet. "Later, I promise. It's part of a surprise."
"I l-like surprises, but t-tell me?" he insisted.
"Frankie, love, if I tell you then it's not a surprise anymore! Just...three more hours and I'll give you what's in the bags."
"K-kay, you're a m-meanie." he pouted and went to watch TV.
After some chocolate with cookies, some reading and a quick house cleaning, it was time to get ready. "Frankie, go take a shower but don't get dressed." I told him. I had showered before Ray left, as usual. I didn't trust Frankie alone for too long if I could avoid it.
"D-don't want to!" he protested. Sometimes he was a little averse to baths.
"If you don't do it, there's no surprise."
"B-but...not f-fair!"
"Yes, it is fair. It's summer, you're sweaty, and your feet are all dirty from walking around barefoot. Shower or no surprise!" I commanded. I hated to act like a father, although on occasions it was very necessary.
"K-kay. B-but then...I t-take a shower and...and s-stay naked?" he asked, making me gasp. I realised how bad what I'd said sounded.
"No! I meant, only put on your boxers. Then I'll tell you why."
"Ahh k-kay." he nodded.
When Frankie left the bathroom, I guided him to our room. The two bags I had brought home were on the bed. "Yours, you can look now." I handed him one. Frank peeped inside and then at me, disappointed.
"C-clothes? Th-that's a boring s-surprise!" he complained, reminding me of when I'd get clothes instead of toys for my birthday, or Christmas.
"I told you this is only part of the surprise. We're going out tonight, that's why I bought us some new clothes." I kissed his pouty lips. His eyes lightened instantly.
"Y-yay! Wh-where we g-going?"
"Fraaankie! Stop asking! Surprise, remember?"
"I...I th-think I don't like s-surprises anymore." he crossed his arms, angry.
"Oh, come on...let's get dressed so we can leave?"
"K-kay."
I had bought clothes that I thought would be comfortable enough for him and at the same time make him look less like a kid. I needed him to look his age, just in case. I didn't give a fuck about homophobes, but people thinking me a pervert could get me into trouble. More important, it could make me lose Frankie.
I watched him put on the black jeans and spy himself in the mirror, grinning. Then he picked up the short-sleeved, white buttoned shirt. After studying it for a while, he came to me with it in his hand. "C-can you help m-me? D-dunno how to p-put it on."
"Of course, just a second." I zipped my own jeans and then assisted Frankie. I found myself lost in his sweet stare, buttoning up the shirt blindly. I fixed it inside his pants on the back and sides. Since the jeans were low cut, I didn't dare stick my hands in the front. "Now finish yourself while I put on mine, ok? Just get the shirt inside your pants."
"K-kay."
My shirt was black same as the jeans, and I completed my outfit with a red tie. I had also got us two pairs of similar black tie-up shoes.
"You look so handsome!" I exclaimed admiring Frank. He seemed, indeed, more grown up. "Let me add this as a last detail."
"N-no don't w-want to! It...th-those are t-tight and it's h-hot!" he slapped my hand which was holding a thin black tie.
"No, it won't be tight, I promise. I have it ready, see? Now I just have to pass it over your head...and...adjust it just a little. " I left it loose in a very casual style that fitted him perfectly. "Is it tight?"
"Uh...n-no it isn't. Y-you were right." he walked to the bigger mirror in the corridor and contemplated his own image. "I th-think I look g-good! And...and you t-too. S-sooo handsome! S-see?" he grabbed my hand and forced me to stand in front of the mirror with him. I normally hated that. I didn't like to look at myself, but this time it was different. I didn't see myself, I saw us; and we looked perfect together.
"I see." I caught him in my arms and kissed him deeply, stopping soon so our clothes wouldn't wrinkle before even leaving. "Now there's one last favor you have to do for me to get the rest of your surprise. Let me brush your hair and fix it a little?"
In spite of my fear of his reaction, he looked calm and happy, that huge smile still present. He rolled his eyes and puffed, but went for the brush that was inside a drawer himself. "D-don't make me h-hurt, un-understand?" he delivered it to me.
"I'll do my best not to." I promised.
It wasn't easy at all to sort the entanglement Frank's hair had become after days without brushing it. Anyhow, I managed to do it causing him to whine only once.
I watched him and felt like kissing him all over. He was so pretty. His beautiful, rather feminine features glowing. His soft, now tamed hair being blown by the air of my old fan; the ends grazing his shoulders and curling stubbornly. A rebellious lock fell over his left eye and I moved it aside with my fingers before setting the glasses over his little nose.
"Perfect." I simply stated, kissing him one last time. "I'll give you your pill and then we can leave."
******
"Good evening, sirs. Follow me, I'll lead you to your table." the waiter welcomed us solemnly when we arrived.
It wasn't that we were in a fancy restaurant, only that the waiter was Steven, a boy who used to work with me. I had talked to him earlier and he assured me that the owner of that place appreciated him, so we'd have no problem there.
We didn't have a reservation, there were always enough available tables in this restaurant; but Steven knew at what time we'd turn up and had set one for us.
"Thanks Steve!" I winked and gave him a thumbs-up.
Acting like a gentleman, I separated the chair from the table, inviting Frankie to take a seat.
"W-wow! Th-this...this is l-like boyfriends d-do in m-movies!" he clapped his hands with the most gigantic grin I had ever seen.
"Make yourself at home, boys. I'll bring you the menu right away!" Steven said before heading for the back room. I sat and enjoyed my cute boy's happiness. He first looked around him to finally set his eyes on the small table.
There were no romantic candles -it wouldn't have been safe- or dim lights; and we weren't alone at the restaurant. However, our table did have a neat white cloth. Three red roses in a blue plastic glass adorned the center.
"Do you like the surprise?" I rubbed Frank's cheek with my thumb.
"L-love it! B-best sur-surprise ever!"
"I'm so happy to hear that!" I reached over the table to meet his lips. Some murmurs could be heard from the other tables and Frank turned to look at them.
"Wh-why they're w-watching us like that? M-maybe they never s-saw boyf- uh...t-two boys who l-love each other on a d-date? Th-this is a d-date, G-gee? Like in m-movies?" he bombed me with questions. I didn't know if I should answer or squeeze him.
"Yes, baby, it's a date." I smiled. "And those people are watching us because you're the prettiest thing they've ever seen and...because we look great together!"
"Oh..." he giggled and kissed my nose. There were more murmurs that I ignored, while Frankie chose to respond by waving at everybody.
Steven reappeared. "Here's the menu! Don't pay attention to any idiot, the boss is on your side." he told us.
The menu, of course, didn't have a leathered cover with golden letters. It was just a single computer printed paper, however laminated.
We chose chicken thighs with an onion sauce and potatoes, and our meal was served pretty soon. Yes, that restaurant was humble; but the attention was great and the food delicious. Why would anyone prefer a fancy, expensive one?
"Oh, y-yummy!" Frankie smelt the dish in front of him and then passed it over to me. "C-cut the ch-chicken?"
"Of course, babe." I had never taught him how to cut his food; his doctor said it was better to keep knives away from the boy. There was always the possibility of him having a nervous episode, and it had been proved that he could get aggressive. I had specially instructed Steven to include only one knife and not too sharp forks.
I cut all the chicken and gave the plate back to Frankie. When he grabbed the fork to start eating, he noticed his hands were shaking a lot.
"Oh-oh." he whispered. Perseverant as he was, he tried to use the fork the same, but finally eyed me helpless. "G-gee...c-can I...?
"Yep Frankie, use your hands." I guessed what he meant to ask.
"Th-thanks."
He seemed pleased and appeared to be enjoying the meal, humming softly and swinging his legs under the table. All of a sudden, that annoying whispering returned louder than before. I raised my eyes and saw their disgusted faces. I heard them 'eww' at Frankie and he did too.
"Oops...I th-think they d-don't like me eating with m-my hands..." he commented sadly, his chin stained with food. He stopped eating and stared at me, mutely asking me what to do.
I did the only thing that was logical: I left the cutlery on the table -over a paper napkin- and began to eat with my hands. Frank observed me in amazement and I grinned, showing my sauce covered teeth.
"Eat boy, it'll go cold!" I spoke with my mouth full. He wasted no more time.
I was sure that the complaints went on. I even thought I saw some people leave. I didn't care; busy as I was exchanging love stares with the boy in front of me while our hands kept picking up the food hungrily. Manners? What for?
"Bah...they'll come back." I heard someone say.
Once we were done, we went to the bathroom to clean ourselves and I couldn't stop looking at Frankie. I had seen him happy many times. He was a very positive, optimistic boy who would get easily happy. Simple, little things could provoke it. Even so, I had never seen him so radiant as this night. I didn't care about the money I had spent, I didn't give a damn about my father's watch and other people's opinions didn't exist. All that mattered was Frankie. All I wanted in my mind was his smile. All I needed were his soft lips -which were traveling along my face- to land on mine at last.
When we returned to the table with wet clothes and swollen lips, a big cup of ice cream was waiting for us. "On-only one?" Frankie questioned, sitting back.
"Yes, so we can share." I expressed my much more romantic version of the 'it's all I can afford' line.
"I l-like that! B-but...hands are still sh-shaking. H-how...?"
"Come here." I beckoned him and sat him on my lap.
"Wh-what...?"
"Will you let me feed you the ice cream? I know you'd find a way to do it by yourself but...I don't wanna help you because you can't do it, I want to feed you because that's what boyfriends do." I let it all out -stressing the 'boyfriends' part- and waited. Frank's jaw fell and his eyes grew bigger than they already were.
"B-but...you s-said we...we w-weren't b-boyfriends yet..." he stammered more than ever.
"Oh, you're right!" I hit my forehead. Although at that moment I felt observed like a fish in a bowl, I didn't look at anyone but Frankie. "I think I have to do something first, then."
"Wh-what?"
"Frankie, would you be my boyfriend?" I pronounced those words and thought his eyes would fall out of their sockets.
"Y-YESSSS!" he screamed. "I L-LOVE YOU, G-GERARD!"
He hugged me very, very tightly and the voices around us could be heard again. Not all of those people were disgusted. Some were squealing and going 'aww', and when I turned I could distinguish several smiles. Behind a window that communicated the main room with the kitchen, I saw Steven, his boss and two girls applauding while we kissed. No, the world wasn't completely lost.
"C-can I tell ev-everybody?" Frankie whispered in my ear.
"Only the people we know, for now. But don't tell Ray, I want to do it myself." I still hadn't dared.
"K-kay."
"Can I feed my boyfriend this exquisite ice cream before it melts, now?" I requested with the spoon in my hand.
"Y-yep, now you c-can, b-boyfriend."
We shared, we hugged, we kissed, we didn't care about anything else.
On our way home, Frankie fell asleep in the car. I carried him inside and took him to bed. Only half awake, he got a hold on me and made me fall beside him. Morning found us in each other's arms, still in our new clothes.
That...was a perfect ending.
******
That afternoon I came back home singing, remembering the previous night, Frank's overjoyed facial expression carved into my memory forever. I had gathered courage and intended to tell Ray about us. My best friend had to know what had gotten me so happy.
I suspected a change of plans when before opening the door I heard Frank screaming and crying; Ray's voice trying to calm him down.
"Shit...what the fuck now?"
CHAPTER 31
Trust I seek, and I find in you,
every day for us something new.
Open mind for a different view,
and nothing else matters.
I hurriedly unlocked the door and stepped inside, scanning the living room. Frankie was sitting on the floor against a wall, one of his hands holding his right leg which was crossed over the left one. He was screaming and crying, tears falling endlessly. Ray was crouched near him, though at a safe distance from the punches Frank's free hand was providing.
"I just want to help you, Frankie..." Ray said softly.
"N-NO! D-DON'T TOUCH ME IT H-HURTS! G-GO A-AWAY!" Frank cried out.
"What happened? Ray? Frankie?" I asked, kneeling beside the boy.
"D-DON'T TOUCH M-ME! N-NOBODY! H-HURTS!"
"He...was having a fight or something with his little friends and then suddenly kicked the wall really hard. I'm not sure how bad it is, he won't let me touch his foot. It happened just a minute before you arrived." Ray told me.
"H-hurts. H-hurts very m-much..." Frank sobbed, his face red from the effort.
"Fuck..." I muttered. The problems seemed to never stop. "Frankie...listen to me. I know it hurts, but I need to take off your sneaker to see. I'll do it as carefully as possible, ok?"
"N-NO, IT H-HURTS!"
"I know. We want to help you, calm down..." I caressed his wet cheek and motioned for Ray to approach him. He caught Frank's hands in his while I sat over his uninjured leg.
"G-GET OFF! D-DON'T TOUCH M-ME! G-GET OFF ME F-FUCKERS!" he twisted his body so violently that it was extremely hard to hold him still. I quickly untied his cords and then completely took them off, removing the shoe easily.
"AHHHHH H-HURTS! HURTS, AS-ASSHOLE!"
"It's done. Shhh...calm down, boy." Ray hugged him and kissed his head. I took a look at Frank's foot, without touching it. Its instep was red and swollen.
"Let's take him to a hospital, it could be broken." I murmured in Ray's ear. He nodded.
"Where? The nearest one is a children hospital..."
"It'll have to do." I shrugged. "After all he's only 18 and looks younger, so I don't think we'll have any problem."
Frank was still crying loudly when I carried him in my arms, aiming for the door. "N-NO! P-PUPPY!"
"Puppy's fine, Frankie. He can stay here till we're back." Ray assured.
"N-NO, I W-WANT PUPPY TO C-COME WITH M-ME! H-he takes care of m-me..."
"Ray and I are with you, baby. You'll be ok." I held him closer, not minding that I had called him that in front of Ray.
"I W-WANT PUPPY..." he whimpered louder. I wasn't sure if he was really in so much pain or he was more scared and nervous than anything else.
"Ray...would you look for Puppy?"
"Will do!" he disappeared through the corridor, calling the imaginary pet, and came back a couple of minutes later with Frank's teddy bear. "Your doggie chose a bad moment to make himself invisible, but I found this other friend who wants to go with you." he offered Frankie the toy. The distressed boy extended one arm doubtfully and took it, snuggling it against his chest.
"Where are his glasses?" I asked.
"Over there on a shelf, I put them on a safe place 'cause I was afraid that he'd break them."
"Oh, ok. Grab them just in case."
******
"I'll drive, he'll feel more secure with you." Ray said as we climbed into my car. I occupied the back passenger's seat with Frank on my lap, my blue t-shirt already soaked in his tears.
"H-hurts..." he repeated, burying his face into his plushie.
"It'll stop soon, I promise." I whispered. "Why did you kick the wall?"
"I...I w-wanted to k-kick a little m-man. H-he said...he s-said I was s-stupid 'cause...'c-cause I said s-something. I sh-should not have s-said that. I d-did...but d-didn't want to! And...and he s-said that, and I g-got angry and k-kicked him and...and it h-hurt. A l-lot..." he began to weep again. I thought of asking him what it was that he had said, but it wasn't the right moment to insist on that.
"Frankie, you know they're not real..."
"I kn-know but I s-see them and h-hear them and he s-said I was s-stupid and I'm n-not!"
"Listen, the next time they say something like that to you, you just tell them they don't exist. You'll make them angrier that way than by kicking them, trust me." I suggested. He looked up at me through flooded eyes.
"Y-you think?"
"Yep."
"I agree with Gee, that will make them furious!" Ray added.
"Sh-she gave it to m-me." Frank spoke again after minutes of silence. Ray and I shared confused glances through the rearview mirror.
"What are you talking about, Frankie?" I inquired.
"Th-the bear. Sh-she gave it to m-me."
"She...who? Grace?" I guessed. He shook his head.
"N-no, the o-old woman. Th-the one that t-took me on a p-plane and...and to the p-place where I l-lived before l-living with you. M-my grandma?" he answered unsure, sniffing in between words and trembling..
"Yes, she was your grandma. Did she use to visit you?"
"Y-yes...I th-think before when I was l-little. D-don't remember...f-foot hurts, Gee!"
"We're almost there, hold on." I hushed him, leaving the past in peace for the moment.
We arrived at the hospital and took a seat in the waiting room. It was fully replete of kids. Some visibly injured, with casts or bandages; others crying in their parents' arms, cheeks flushed with fever or bloody compresses being held to their head or limbs. I flinched as I saw a little girl vomiting into a trash can. The screams and the mixed smells didn't exactly make that place pleasant. Frankie intensified his grip on my neck, his teddy bear still resting on his chest.
"G-gee I w-wanna go h-home..."
"A doctor needs to see your foot first."
"D-DON'T WANT TO! N-NO ONE WILL T-TOUCH IT! H-HEAR IT? N-NO ONE! G-GONNA KILL THEM!"
"You're not gonna kill anyone because you're a good boy. Your foot won't get better if you don't let a doctor see it."
"I'LL K-KILL THEM...K-KICK THEIR AS-ASSES TO D-DEATH! H-HATE DOCTORS! F-FOOT HURTS AND TH-THEY WON'T... t-touch it!" he hit me with his fist and screamed so much that he lost his voice at the end of the sentence and started coughing. Everybody's eyes were on us.
"Frankie please, you need to calm down." I rocked him while he kept on punching me. Ray eyed me worriedly. "He's too agitated, this is not good for him. What if he has an attack?"
"Want me to go get a doctor?" Ray proposed.
"I...I don't know, we're supposed to wait for our turn here. I'm sure many of those kids' cases are more serious..."
"Yeah...but maybe if I explained the situation?"
I was pondering over my decision when I saw a young blond nurse walk into the room. She stopped in the middle and looked around, finally coming towards us.
"Someone told me there was a kid who seemed in real pain or something. They said the oldest one, so I guess it's him?"
"Yes...he's too nervous, sorry..." I apologized for Frankie.
"Oh no, that's normal here. I was sent to ask if it was urgent, we can let you in first if it is." she communicated.
I thought for a moment, contemplating all those poor kids waiting. Frankie's foot didn't seem to have gotten any more swollen, so the main problem was his nerves. I didn't think it was fair to go into the doctor's office sooner than the people who had arrived earlier. "No, I'm sure his foot can wait but...would you do me a favor?"
"If I can...tell me." she bended over, resting her hands on her knees.
"He's schizophrenic, and so much stress is not good for his nerves. He's very scared and it'd also be hard for a doctor to check his foot in this state. They'll want to do an x-ray...?"
"Yeah, most probably." she assented.
"Could you find out if it's possible to give him some sedative while we wait?"
"Ok, I'll ask the doctor and then be back myself or send another nurse if he agrees. How old is the kid?"
"He's...18. Is that a problem? This was the closest hospital." I responded sincerely. Maybe I had unconsciously grown tired of lying.
"Nah, I don't think anyone will object in this case."
"Thanks." I shook her hand smiling.
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