Conventionalism

My niece, Mary Lou, wants to become a dancer. Her par­ents are appalled. They equate such a profession with way­wardness. What can I say to them to convince them that my niece is seeking a worthwhile career?

Poor Mary Lou! Her parents apparently still live in the Victorian era. I am afraid that nothing you can say to them will help Mary Lou. They may turn a born Pavlova into an office secretary, and frustrate her for life. They sound just bone selfish.

Their fear of waywardness suggests that to them sex is evil and wrong, for the word waywardness signifies loose­ness in morals. I don’t know what to say about dead parents like them.

When We Dead Awaken says the play title. Dead folks never awaken.

I’m afraid little Mary Lou, like thousands of her sisters, is to be sacrificed to a puritanism that is long out-of-date.

DISHONESTY

Am I justified in sometimes lying to my daughter?

I can imagine an occasion on which you would have to lie to her. Suppose she is seriously ill in the hospital after an automobile accident in which her father was killed. She asks how her daddy is; you say he is fine. What else can you say?

We all tell white lies. Miss Brown sings and I think her voice is dreadful; but I smile and thank her. White lies are nearly always told to prevent someone’s being hurt. A
hus­band is asked by his wife how he likes her new hat which she bought at a sale. It is hideous. But paid for and non-returnable. What should he say, if he isn’t a cad.

I think we should abolish references. No employer likes to mar a man’s future by giving him a bad reference, and that is why when I advertise for a teacher I usually say: “No references.”

I once had a teacher I wanted to get rid of, but moral cowardice kept me from telling him to go. At last, he applied for another job and asked me for a reference. I gave him a glowing one. He was so pleased with my appre­ciation that he cancelled his application and stayed on with me.

I like the story of the man who sought a job as janitor. His previous employer wrote that he was generally honest. The personnel manager wondered what the adverb meant; he phoned the ex-employer and asked him to explain the phrase, “generally honest.”

“I used the word generally in its proper context as meaning not particularly,” came the answer.

If you say to your child: “Answer the phone, dear, and if it’s Mrs. Jones, say I’m not in,” you are not doing as much damage as you do when your child knows you are living a lie, pretending that all is well in your marriage when you and your husband are hating each other. I have often said it is better to divorce than to live a lie. More than once I have seen children grow happier after the divorce, for they were no longer living in a dishonest, lying atmosphere.

I know that many parents seek to be models to their children. Many a parent is chagrined when his child dis­covers something about his past——that Daddy at school was cordially despised when he was a kid that Mother was always near the bottom of her class. I have known many mothers who wouldn’t tell their family their age, fathers who would never tell their wives what their income was. Possibly most parental lies are defensive lies, lies to preserve the image of the perfect father, the perfect mother. That is so wrong. Your child should be aware of your virtues and your weaknesses. That is healthier by far. Your child should like you for what you are—he should not like someone who doesn’t exist. Every small boy thinks that his father could hold off six men: it takes a brave father to candidly admit he couldn’t fight anyone.

One of the worst lies is the statement: “Now when I was a boy I didn’t steal.” Any child who hears this rot will intuitively know that his father must have been cowed as a youngster or that his father has a convenient forgettery.

Most parental lies spring from the nonsensical notion that a parent must never confess to being human. How many fathers could give an honest answer to a child if he were asked if be ever masturbated? How many mothers will confess to having had a sex life before marriage? And the modern child will sometimes ask such embarrassing ques­tions.

Yes, it is in the sex sphere that so many parents lie. Where do babies come from? How are babies made? Easy questions, really, to answer if the parent is honest. I think almost all parental lies are unnecessary, and that almost all such lies boomerang. Lies do subtle, and not so subtle, dam­age to both the parent and the child.

Дата добавления: 2015-11-16