The day is lost

A SMALL WORLD OF GREAT PEOPLE.

On which you did not laugh.

MARK TWAIN

All modern American literature comes

from one book by Mark Twain

called Huckleberry Finn.

Ernest Hemingway

Ex.1. Read these wonderful stories1 attentively to find out:

	1) they have in common;
what
	2) they differ in.

Mark Twain’s Jokes

Mark Twain was not only a famous writer but also a famous humourist. He travelled very much making speeches in different towns. During these speeches he always told funny stories.

Wherever he went he was followed by reporters who wrote down everything he said. His stories were told and retold, and passed down from generation to generation. His remark (when he heard a rumour that he was dead) “The rumours of my death are greatly exaggerated,” has become an American by-word. There are many humorous stories connected with his name. Here is one of them.

Once Mark Twain and two of his friends were sitting in a restaurant. One friend had just returned from a trip to the mountains. He said that the air in the mountains was very clear. In many places the echo of a voice came back five times stronger than the original voice.

“That is nothing,” said the second friend. “In Colorado, in many places the echo of a voice spoken in the morning comes back in the afternoon.”

Mark Twain laughed. Then he said, “Listen, the echoes which you have told about are very unusual. But in a small church in Hannibal where I was born, there is an echo more unusual even than those.”

“What is so strange about the echo there?” asked one of the men. “Well, I’ll tell you,” said Mark Twain. “The echo in that church is so unusual, that if one says in a loud voice, “Good Morning! How are you?”, echo comes back after a moment very clearly, “Very well, thank you. And how are you?””

Mark Twain and the Guard

Once Mark Twain was going from the north of England to Manchester by train. He was very tired and wanted to go to bed. So he asked the guard to tell him when they came to Manchester. “If I am sleeping when you come to me, I’ll be angry,” he said. “But I must be in Manchester in the morning. So, even if I am angry, please throw me out of the train”. The guard agreed, and Mark Twain went to bed.

When he opened his eyes it was morning. People were walking in the corridor, a boy was crying and his mother was trying to make him quiet. Mark Twain got up, put on his clothes and went out into the corridor. The guard was talking to a man at the end of the corridor, and Mark Twain went up to him.

“Haven’t we come to Manchester yet?” he asked.

“We passed Manchester two hours ago,” the guard answered.

“What!” Mark Twain shouted. “Why didn’t you tell me? I asked you – don’t you remember?”

The guard was surprised. “Are you the American who asked me to tell him when we come to Manchester?” he asked.

“Yes, of course,” Mark Twain said.

“Then, who was the other man?” the guard continued. “Oh, now I understand why he was shouting and fighting when I threw him out of the train in Manchester!”

A Journey with Mark Twain

One day Mark Twain met a friend at the races in England. The friend came up to him and said: “I’m broke.1 I wish you would buy me a ticket back to London.”

“Well,” Mark Twain said, “I’m nearly broke myself, but I will tell you what we’ll do. You can hide under my seat in the train and I’ll hide you with my legs.” The friend agreed.

Mark Twain, however, went to the ticket-office and bought two tickets. When the train pulled out2 his friend was safely under the seat. The inspector came around for the ticket. When Mark Twain gave the inspector two tickets, he asked: “Where is the other one?”

Looking at the inspector the humorist said in a loud voice: “That is my friend’s ticket. You see, he’s a little eccentric and likes to hide under the seat.”

Mark Twain and his Doubles

Mark Twain received many letters and photos from men who had been told that they looked like him. One man was from Florida and he was very much like Mark Twain. So the great humorist sent him such a letter:

“My dear Sir, I thank you very much for your letter and the photograph. In my opinion you are more than other of my doubles like me. In fact, I am sure that if you stood before me in a frame with no mirror I could shave by you.”

He doesn’t Say

Once Mark Twain was asked to autograph “The autobiography of Benjamin Franklin”, the well-known American politician and scientist.

The owner of the book, nervously trying to make conversation while Mark Twain wrote his name, asked, “By the way, when did Benjamin Franklin die?”

Twain opened the book, read the last pages carefully, then looked up at the owner of the book and said, “He doesn’t say.”

Mark Twain’s Answer

When Mark Twain edited a newspaper in Missouri, one of his subscribers wrote him that he found a spider in his paper and he wished to know whether it meant good luck or bad.

Mark Twain replied: “Finding a spider in your paper is neither good luck nor bad. The spider was looking over the newspaper to see which merchant was not advertising, so that he could go to that shop, spin his web across the door and live a happy and peaceful life!”

One of Mark Twain’s Jokes

The famous American author Mark Twain had to give a lecture one evening in a small town. He got to the town in the afternoon, and after dinner went into a shop to buy some ink and paper. After he had bought the things he needed, he told the man in the shop that he wanted to see some of the interesting buildings and places in the town, and he asked the man to tell him what to see and where to go.

The man took a city map and showed him where to go. Then he said:

“Mark Twain is going to give a lecture at the writers’ club this evening. If you’d like to go to the lecture, you must buy your ticket now. If you don’t, you’ll have to stand during the whole lecture.”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Mark Twain said. “Whenever Mark Twain lectures, I have to stand.”

Mark Twain’s Lecture

Once a literary club invited Mark Twain to give a lecture. Before the lecture, one of the members of the club came to him and said:

“Mr. Twain, people say that you can tell very funny stories. I hope that during your lecture you will tell a story that will make my uncle laugh. He hasn’t laughed for ten years.”

“I’ll do my best,” Mark Twain said.

When he began his lecture, Mark Twain noticed the club member. He was sitting in front of him with an old man who had a very sad face.

Mark Twain began to tell jokes, one after another. “I told long jokes and short jokes, new jokes and old jokes,” Mark Twain told his friends. “I told every joke in my memory, and soon everybody was laughing. Everybody – but not the old man. He continued to look at me with his cold, blue eyes. I was ashamed to think that I couldn’t make him laugh, and I tried again and again. But nothing helped…”

After the lecture, the club member came to Mark Twain and said, “Thank you, Mr. Twain. I have never heard so many very funny stories.”

“They weren’t funny enough for your uncle,” Mark Twain answered. “He didn’t even smile!”

“I know,” the man said. “I told you that he hasn’t laughed for ten years. But I didn’t tell you that he hasn’t heard anything for ten years. He is deaf.”

Music — the Life Saver

Once Mark Twain was sitting at a dinner party next to a well-known pianist. Mark Twain said to him:

“It will interest you as a pianist that my life was once saved by a piano when I was a boy. We had a terrible flood in my hometown. The water even reached the upper storey where I was with my father. Without hesitation my father sat on a big chest of drawers, and floating it down the river reached safely the bank”.

“Well, and you?” asked the pianist.

“I accompanied him on the piano”.

He never Heard Her in “Carmen”

Once Mark Twain was invited to the opera. He accepted the invitation. The box where he had a seat belonged to a very rich man. The rich man and his wife were very proud because all their friends saw the famous writer in their own box. During the performance the man and his wife talked all the lime. They talked loudly and so much that it was often impossible for Mark Twain to listen to the opera.

Mark Twain was very much annoyed. He liked music and always enjoyed listening to the opera.

He realized that neither the rich man nor his wife understood music and they came to the opera just to show that the famous writer was a friend of theirs.

Mark Twain was very sorry he had accepted their invitation. That was very foolish of him. Still there was no way out. He had to wait until the end.

Towards the end of the performance the rich lady turned to Mark Twain and smiled. She was quite sure that the famous writer had enjoyed the opera. So she invited Mark Twain to listen to another opera. She told him that she and her husband would be happy to see him in their box the following Friday. She added that “Carmen” would be on.

The great writer expressed his gratitude for the invitation and said:

“That’ll be fine. I never heard you in “Carmen” ”.

One More Funny Story

One of Mark Twain’s hobbies was fishing. He went fishing whenever he had a chance, even in the closed season, when fishing was not allowed anywhere in lakes and rivers. Like all fishermen, he sometimes invented stories about the number of fish he caught.

One hot day during the closed season Mark Twain was fishing as usual, under a low bridge. A man who was walking across the bridge happened to notice Mark Twain and began to watch him. At last he asked: “Have you caught many fish?”

“Not yet”, Mark Twain answered. “I have only just begun. But yesterday I caught thirty great big fish here.”

“You were very lucky”, the man said. “Do you know who I am?”

“No”, Mark Twain said. “I don’t think I ever happened to meet you before”.

“I’m the fishing inspector in this place. Do you know that this is the closed season?”

Mark Twain thought quickly. He understood how foolish he had been. “Do you know who I am?” he asked aloud.

“No, of course not”, answered the inspector.

“I am the biggest liar on the Mississippi”, Mark Twain told him.

Дата добавления: 2015-11-14