February - Giants 9 страница

"It's hard," was all I said. I had wanted answers; good, solid, answers but she wasn't going to tell me anything. When she got close, she backed off and went back into a neutral zone. "I miss having control. Now I have to wait for her decision."

"It's her decision, but you can make it the easiest one she's ever made or the hardest. You need to understand your place in your own life before you start mixing it up with other people."

I was growing frustrated again. I had finished my coffee and it left a bitter taste in my mouth. "I don't want to talk anymore," I stated, and then braced myself for Viv's backlash.

"Good. You should spend some time thinking," she stated. She took my coffee cup away. "Go down to the basement and spend some time by yourself. Do art or do nothing. Think. I'll bring down some food in a while and I won't bother you. Whatever happens, you'll get through it."

I nodded and told her I appreciated it. She kissed me on the forehead before I got up. Just as I was heading down into the basement, I felt my heart leap into my chest. As if as soon as I stepped down there and considered my life in realistic terms, I would find the answer. And knowing the answer - success or failure - was half the battle. "Were you ever scared?" I asked her, standing on the first curve of the stairs. "You know, with Cassandra? With any decision?"

"Of course," she said, as if I had just asked her if the sky was blue. "Any decision is frightening, especially one that affects your whole life. Doubt is never a reason to stop, though, because doubt is healthy in something like this. And honestly, I don't think anything is worth doing unless you fear it a little bit. It's when you stop caring entirely that death is certain. Fear is human. Fear is life."

"Thanks Viv," I told her, smiling for the first time that morning. "I'm utterly terrified."

"Welcome to the world," she joked, and I went downstairs again. A calm washed over me, being in my element again. But the furniture had changed, the bed had changed, and even the art supplies had changed. They were clearer, more real. As if my fear had made everything in front of me more electrifying. I touched the walls to make sure they were there, and I sat slowly down on the ground in the art room and felt the soft carpet under me. I found the photos that I had taken of Gerard and I. The first one was me, standing in front of the mirror, holding the camera out. Even that looked different. He was different from me. So much younger, so much more removed.

But I remembered, that even while that picture was being taken, though I didn't know it, Jasmine was pregnant. The world had already changed for me then. Only now I could see it.

I spent the rest of the morning, lying out with my photos and coming to terms with the image I now saw I the mirror.

Chapter Six

Jasmine called a little after eleven in the morning. It was quite late for her; she was usually a morning person. I had deliberately not gone to bed after my little nap before Vivian woke me up so that if she called me super early, I could get out and go. I had begun to grow worried when she had not contacted me and Gerard was not in the house yet. I worried that she had slipped and fallen on her way to her house and Gerard had run off with Mikey somewhere, leaving me to deal with my own mess. I practically leapt to the phone as soon as it rang each time. There were a few random calls before finally, it was Jasmine's voice on the other end.

"Hey, how are you? You doing okay?" I asked in a flurry. I was feeling better about things than I had before, but this was still making me anxious when I didn't need to be.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Frank. How are you?" she laughed a bit at my overcompensation. If not for the big elephant in the room, it would have almost been like a normal conversation. I could see that she wanted to treat the situation that way.

"I'm fine. A little tired. I had a talk with Vivian."

"Oh?" she said, showing some interest. "That's kind of funny, because I had a talk with Gerard."

"Really?" I stated. I strained my mind to try and recall when they could have even crossed paths. They knew one another, sure, but they were not the type to be in a room alone together and talk. From the way Jasmine carried on, it sounded as if they were good friends.

"Yeah, he actually stayed the night at my place. I ran into him on the way home."

"It was the middle of the night," I stated the obvious. I wasn't sure of the emotion I was feeling - jealousy? Anger? Was everyone keeping secrets from me?

"Yeah, I know, it was weird. He said he was coming back from Mikey's place. We started talking a bit and then this morning we went out shopping together."

I felt like I had entered the twilight zone. Since when did the two people who I slept with go out shopping together? And for what? I had a minor panic attack as I imaged them picking out baby clothing. It turns out, they had just gone out to a tea shop that sold it loose in bags.

"Apparently, we had both wanted to go there for some time. He wanted this St John's Wort and, at the time, I wanted raspberry tea. I ended up getting more peach instead. But anyway," she said as if it was the most obvious thing. My silence on the other end must have conveyed my confusion quite distinctly, because she began to follow up. "I think you should come over. I want to talk to you."

We both said a quick goodbye and just as I was about to hang up, I heard what I thought was Gerard and a kettle in the background. It was the strangest thing: Jasmine and Gerard. I put on my coat and walked out the door, barely noticing that Cassandra and a brown haired girl I took to be Noelle had past me. Cassandra called my name, wanting to introduce us, but I walked past. She would be mad at me, I knew, but I had a lot to contend with right now.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting when I showed up at Jasmine's apartment. I knew that Gerard would never say anything bad about me, but I wondered what his stance on children was. He could wax poetic all the time about the importance of birth and he could appreciate Cassandra from a distance creatively, and though Vivian assured me things would not change between us, I knew I was still on rocky ground that had suddenly been shaken by his presence with Jasmine. Would he be as open and accepting to Jasmine's kid, more importantly, would he encourage her to keep it? Would he say that it would ruin her career and she should get rid of it? I had no idea. I still had no idea what I had even decided in the basement that morning. I just knew I could handle it, but that was when I thought it was only Jasmine and myself dealing with things. Would Gerard be hanging around?

I knocked on the door and then Jasmine buzzed me up to her apartment. I felt disoriented at first, remembering the last time I had gone up these steps. I pushed my thoughts behind me because I knew I had spent enough time. I needed to go forward. Jasmine answered her door on the first knock, and she was utterly beaming. She smiled when she saw me and leaned in to hug me a bit. I was still a bit baffled and it was a bulky embrace under my jacket. I took it off and she hung it in the closet. I noticed that she was wearing the same thing she had yesterday: the white top over jeans. I found my eyes lingering on her stomach, trying to notice any signs of a bump. My mind was playing tricks on me, and though I knew nothing could be visible this soon in, I was convinced I saw something. A lightning bolt seemed to fire through my system. Was that a good or a bad feeling? I didn't want to qualify it yet.

Jasmine told me to sit in the kitchen and she would get me something to drink. I declined, but followed closely behind. Gerard was at the table, drawing on some of the paper that I had seen Jasmine use for her news stories. He smiled and looked up when I came in and pulled out a chair for me. There was a mug beside him and tea leaves at the bottom of it. When I got closer I realized he was drawing the mug and the contents on the paper.

"How have you been?" Gerard asked me.

"Uhhh, good. How are you? What were you doing out in the middle of the night?" I asked him with great concern, completely ignoring the fact that I had been out wandering that same night. It somehow mattered a lot more when it was someone I cared about. "I thought you were with Mikey?"

"Yes, but then Jonah wanted his dad's attention. Child always wins, so I left."

It was probably just me, but when the word child was uttered, it was as if time stopped. We were all quiet for a while after that.

"I told you all this on the phone," Jasmine said, sitting down on the other side of Gerard, next to me, our position forming a small triangle around her table. There was a mug full of tea in front of her, still full and no longer steaming. "He slept on the couch, even though I told him it was okay to take the bed."

"Unheard of, especially in this case," Gerard said. He was not coming out and saying right away that he knew she was pregnant, but I could tell. He kept smiling as he doodled, and he was dropping these ambiguous statements. He knew and he seemed, happy? Amused? I couldn't tell.

"Jasmine told me all about the jazz festival. It sounded fantastic and I wish I could have gone. I look forward to reading the article," Gerard commented. Jasmine thanked him, and the room went quiet again.

"Well," Gerard said. He began to gather his things and tore his piece of paper off the note pad as he got up. "I think I'm going to head back home. Vivian is probably wondering where I am."

"Do you want me to come back with you?" I said, my old flight response coming back. Gerard had to walk behind my chair to leave the table space and he put his hands down on my shoulder to calm me. He then kissed the top of my forehead. "No, no, Frank. I will see you later tonight."

He then took his gaze to Jasmine and gave her a small wave. "Thank you very much for the company, Jasmine. It was really nice talking with you."

"You too," Jasmine said with a smile. "Do you want me to help get your coat?" I noticed the same flight response in Jasmine as well, and Gerard insisted in the same tone of voice he had with me. I half expected him to come across and kiss her forehead as he soothed her worries. He merely nodded and we both listened as we heard him take his coat and then close the door behind him. We both let out tentative breaths, now being alone.

I had a sudden urge to throw myself onto her. To just hug her and hold her to my chest and feel her heart beat into me. I didn't think my emotions were this strong, I didn't think my thought process had gotten this far yet, but I knew that I needed to touch her in some way. We were all linked, right? That meant that Jasmine was mine and I was Gerard's and now, Jasmine and Gerard were somehow linked too. I was so curious about this arrangement, but I understood it on an intuitive level, somehow.

"He is such a nice man," she stated, starting off the conversation on a neutral front we could both agree on. "I thought he was a beggar, honestly, when I first saw him last night. There was just this black figure walking down the street and then as I got closer to him, I realized it was Gerard. We talked for a bit. He could tell something was up. I didn't expect asking him back to my place and I really didn't expect telling him."

"So he does know," I confirmed. "How did he respond?"

She opened her mouth a few times, trying to start forming her words, but eventually she stopped trying. She started to cry, instead, taking me by surprise. I swung my chair over to her side of the table and wrapped my arms around her.

"Hey, it's okay, what did he say? Was it appropriate?"

"Oh, yeah, Frank, it was fine. I'm just...overwhelmed. I'm sorry I'm crying." She pulled her face up and wiped her eyes on her sleeves. I still held her side. "I don't understand my emotions anymore. I'm scared then happy, then hopeful, and then I'm terrified again. I think I can handle things and then I turn around and hide in a corner. I guess it's the hormones."

"It's not. I feel the same way. I don't know what's going on anymore and though I say I understand, I can't imagine the decision you're about to make..." I waited awhile, to see if she responded. "Or have already made."

She swallowed and tried to compose herself. Her cheeks were red and eyes blurry, and she clenched her jaw to keep from crying. She wanted to be her stoic self, but it was hard. I could tell she had made the decision. That was why I was there, after all. I braced myself. I rubbed her back and I told her I loved her either way. I tried to make this easier for her, like Vivian had said. This wasn't about me, it wasn't my body. I got that. I needed her to know I got that.

"Gerard told me I was beautiful and would always be beautiful," she started. "At first I was kind of annoyed, because I thought he was being superficial and appealing to vanity or something, but then he kept talking - oh my god does he talk a lot - and the more he talked the more I began to understand him and what he meant. The more I began to like him. We were freezing and I told him to come to my apartment because I wanted him to keep telling me things."

I smiled. It was always so funny hearing other people talk about meeting Gerard for the first time. Jasmine had met him years ago, but that was under very different circumstances and definitely not enough time to really know him. Or for him to really know her; she had grown up a lot from that age and was used to being skeptical of people, especially men, now. She was hard and stoic. And within a few minutes of talking, she wanted him to come to her apartment. It was the exact same way he had gotten me. And Vivian. There was something about him, and now Jasmine got this too.

"He was just... so gentle. He was beyond nice, but not in a fake, over the top way. His compliments meant something. When we went out for tea this morning, he held the doors, but even saying this now sounds wrong. Anyone can hold the doors, that isn't exactly what made him special. I'm not making myself clear..."

"No, I get it. You have no idea how much I get it," I assured her with a shoulder squeeze.

"I suppose you would, yeah," she agreed, and then went on: "I told him about the blues club we had gone to, and he listened. Like, he really listened. Then he told me about art from that time period and all of these other beautiful things that I can't even remember. It was remarkable. I felt so... safe with him." She looked sad again all of a sudden. She put a hand to her forehead. "You don't understand how hard that is, Frank. I don't feel safe with many people, especially ones I just meet. I know I met him ages ago, but I didn't really know him. I know him now. And I like him, a lot."

I was starting to get emotional now. Vivian, Jasmine, and I - we all loved him so much. We understood him, or at least, he understood us on a level that was so visceral it took you by surprise. Jasmine was articulating it better than I had thought before. He listened to you, he told you things, and because he was opening this wall of communication, it made you feel safe. He was not judging you, he was holding you, sharing things with you. He would never lay a hand on you in violence. He would never be mad the way other people were mad, or manipulate the way other people did when you told them something vulnerable. Gerard, when given intimacy, gave his own back to you, or he made you something beautiful out of what he had been given. Never hurtful, never angry. It was like he was incapable of these emotions. This was one of the reasons I had sought him out when I was young, when everyone else around me thought I was nothing. I had so much rage inside of me because I thought that was all that was impossible in this world. But he showed me alternatives.

I looked at Jasmine then, and I pulled her closer to me. I knew about her family, her dad and brother, and I knew her memories of that seemed to haunt her. She didn't believe in a family as much as I did. It was nothing but hell, and something to escape. Her lingering fear marked her movements. But Gerard made her feel safe.

"I didn't think people like him existed. I didn't always fully understand why you loved him so much. I thought you were only capable of seeing the good in him and then expanded on that. The person you would always describe to me just didn't seem possible. But my god, he actually does exist." She was sobbing again. I just held her. "I hate hormones," she complained.

I laughed, because I could sense some sarcasm or light attitude in her statement, and I ran my hands through her hair. I decided to test the waters: "You can get rid of that, you know."

"I know," she stated, growing serious again. "But I don't want to."

I breathed in and out. And then I lost it, and I started crying too. "See? Not just hormones," I told her. I didn't cry as much as her, but I definitely let out a few ragged breathes and tears. Fuck, it was too much, and I had not had enough sleep to deal with this.

"Does this mean you're saying what I think you're saying?"

She nodded, her head against my chest. "I wasn't sure before. I couldn't visualize my life either with a kid or without. It just wasn't working," she said, and I recognized Vivian's method. "But then I talked to Gerard. He told me about art, about Charlie Parker's influence on Kerouac, Gertrude Stein, and the paintings by Otto Dix. I could see the future, then. I wanted a child to see him. To know that he existed and the world didn't just suck all the goddamn time. Because the world does fucking suck, Frank, and I thought I didn't want a kid to bear witness to that. I used to think it would be better off if we all just died out and became an extinct creature. Then I actually talked to Gerard, and I remembered that there were good things a part of human consciousness, too. There was art and music and people, not just factory farms and nuclear war and cancer. I have never seen a painting by Otto Dix, but I want to go and find one right now so I can show this child that there is something more to all of this. There always is. And that, fuck, I can't even articulate this and my snot is going all over your shirt." She took a large, exaggerated breath. "I'm sorry."

"I don't care. We'll get a new shirt, fuck it all, I don't care Jasmine," I told her, crying too. It was absurd - both of us crying hysterically over Gerard, over life, and how fucking stupid it was. I kept feeling the fear of money and poverty well up in my chest. Having a kid meant I would work the rest of my fucking life. I would never have the freedom that I had over the past few months ever again. Or if I did, it would take a long time to get to. I would be working, more than my sixteen hours a week, and the money wouldn't go to me anymore, it would go to someone else. I cried because I was so scared of everything that was going to happen after this and because I could think of a million reasons for all of this not to happen. So could Jasmine, too. The point was we were both terrified and both knew every single fucking reason why we should not do this.

But there were a few good reasons to keep going on this path, and they would not go away. Art. Gerard. Showing this life to more people and believing in that above all else. It was so fucking stupid, but so was leaving for Paris. So was getting into a relationship with Gerard in the first place. It was all stupid. But they had been the best decisions I had ever made. And I realized I wanted to raise another person in this world who got to see those decisions. I wanted to raise another person in this world who got to meet Gerard. Got to paint with him. I saw our future again, this wide canvas, this blank slate, and I saw all of us there finger-painting on it with a child. I saw us all together, raising this kid and I knew it was stupid, but it was the only future I wanted. It had everything I had ever loved inside of it, creating something more.

"We're so fucked," I said, but I kissed Jasmine as I said it. She laughed and said that we were, that we were the biggest idiots ever. We all were.

"But we're going to be okay," I said. I wanted to make all these promises that I would work more, get money, and do my best during all of this, but I didn't need to. Jasmine knew. She was safe, that was all she needed.

"I know, we will be fine. We're just crying like fools now because we're so happy," she stated, and then sobbed again. I pulled her tear-stained face to mine, and we kissed again. Our lips puckered and moved with our sorrow and utter joy.

"Gerard says he wants to draw me," she stated when we had calmed down a bit. "Whether or not I kept the baby, he said. If I did, he could do a portrait every month, but if not, we could still do one every month." She laughed, remembering the conversation.

"You know he's doing nudes right now, right?" I asked. I sniffled and rubbed the back of one of my hands against my cheek. I still held onto her with the other hand.

"Yeah, he told me. And it's okay. I can't believe it's okay, but it is," she smiled and sniffled too. She looked up at me after she had cleared away some of her tears. "I love you, Frank. I've always loved you. You annoy the fuck out of me a lot of the time, but I do love you."

I laughed at her blunt response and open honesty. I kissed her and then hugged her again. "I love you, too. I love you and Gerard the most I've ever loved anyone before."

She nodded, and we kissed again. Eventually, sitting at the table was proving to be very uncomfortable. We got up, and Jasmine took my hand and led us to her bedroom. It wasn't an amorous leading, it was a trusting pull. She wanted to show me her bedroom, the door that she had kept closed from me and most people that entered her apartment. She wanted to let me inside too. There wasn't much set up in there other than a few fliers on the wall from shows she had been to and helped organize in college. There was a recommendation letter Vivian had given her, and a photo that I had taken of her in high school. Her dressers and a small desk with a laptop, was on one side and next to her bed was a bookshelf. She got into the bed, and pulled me in with her.

We were tired. I always forgot how much crying tired me out, and being stress, too. Stress was the huge block and the tears were the release. We were done crying for now, although we knew that the stress was far from over. She lay down on her side and I cupped my body around hers. I pulled her hair away from her neck and kissed her once there. I noticed that, for the first time in a long time, she was not wearing her necklace.

"We're going to be parents," she stated, blankly informing us both of the truth. "Fuck."

"We won't be our fathers," I told her. "Or our mothers. We will be something new. All of us."

She nodded. "That's the only way this can happen. We have to start from scratch again."

"Yes," I agreed, then kissed her neck. My eyelids felt heavy, and her breathing was becoming slowed and calm. It was still barely afternoon, but her room was dark. She had dark drapes and they were closed.

I was drifting off, but I fought against sleep vehemently. I thought of Gerard at his show and the lines that he had spoken out loud.

"How many goodly creatures are there here! / How beauteous mankind is! / O brave new world / That has such people in't!" I said to keep myself awake. Jasmine roused as well, and turned slightly over to face me. Her lips formed a smile.

"When did you read The Tempest?" she asked.

"I didn't, actually. Gerard told me about it," I told her, and we were quiet again. The sentiment of these lines, and of The Tempest as a whole, had eluded me before. But now, with all three of us working towards its interpretation, it made more sense than ever.

"Hey," she said before we fell asleep. "Give me your hand."

I did as I was told, and she took it and placed it over her stomach, just below her belly button. She pushed her shirt up and her pants down a bit, and we both kept our hands on her belly. That lightning bolt went through me again. I was pretty sure it was a good sign, now, though. I was scared and so was she, but of course we were. We held the whole world in our hands.

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