Rachel fentem's day

Rachel Fentem, 20, is an inpatient at the Gerald Russell

Eating Disorder Unit. Admitted six months ago weighing 4st 121b

(about 32 kilos), she currently weighs 6st (41 kilos).

The call to be weighed comes at 6.30am but I am already awake. I stand on the scales backwards, so I am not thrown into a panic by my increasing weight. In many ways, I am sick of this beast, continually whispering in my ear that I am too fat. Yet I am scared to lose what has become my best friend.

At 8am I stand outside the dining room. I don't want to eat but if I run away, 17 other patients will be sent to find me, forbidden to continue their meal until I return. Breakfast is a big meal: juice, cereal, cooked course (основное блюдо) and toast. By 8.45 I have already consumed several times the daily calorie ration I would allow myself. Afterwards I have to rest for an hour with the other girls. They are all so fragile and delicate, I feel obese. However low my weight drops, it is never low enough. This is another trick the anorexia plays: by reaching a magical number - a few pounds lighter - I will like and accept myself.

My stomach is uncomfortably bloated from breakfast. This is my fourth hospital admission and each time I have reached a lower weight and found re-feeding more of a struggle.

Some mornings there is a community group. Discussions range from the angrily animated to the sullenly silent. Snacks follow much too soon, at 10am. Then I usually go to an occupational therapy group: art, drama or dance. Time is controlled and I savour my 20-minute pass. I have to resist the urge to run.

Lunch is at 12 noon: juice, main course and cooked dessert. More often than not, somebody will create a scene because their serving is slightly larger than the next person's. Each meal has a time limit and anyone failing to keep it is given a high calorie drink. Afternoon tea is cake or dreaded chocolate. All foods are difficult but chocolate and puddings are particularly hard. Consumption becomes indulgence and I feel an urge to punish myself with self-induced vomiting.

I fill the afternoon with occupational therapy. By building a trusting relationship with the nurse, I have become more confident that I will not make myself vulnerable if I speak to her.

Dinner is another perennial battleground. It is not uncommon for plates and food to be thrown. By making food and weight loss central to my life, my unhappiness about issues at home and school did not hurt so much. For me, anorexia began with a diet and a comment being made about my weight at a ballet lesson.

The final meal is at 10pm. Most of us are relieved that it is the last. Official bedtime is 12.30 but most have retired before then, mentally and physically washed out.

Sleep does not always come easily, since insomnia is a side effect of being at a low weight.

Дата добавления: 2015-11-14