"You're just too pretty, you know that?" I brushed his hair back.
"Y-yeah but you're m-more!"
"No, you are!"
"Y-you!"
"Boys! What about this is a tie and you're both the prettiest boys around and we leave already?" Bob suggested.
"Yes, I think this was enough Saturday-evening-cheesy-love-movie time for a Sunday morning!" Ray added.
"Jealous bitches!" I spat, getting up together with Frankie. The boy just laughed again. "But ok, let's go!"
The car ride was rather entertaining. Although Ray and Bob obviously knew each other, they weren't exactly friends. Not because they didn't want to, but because they'd never had the chance. They had only met a few times when I invited them for my birthday or random get-togethers. Other than that, I'd always hang out with them separately. Maybe because they were so different from each other, I had needed those two points of view to not mix.
For this opportunity, they seemed to get along considerably well. They talked about music, instruments, comics and even jobs. It was when Frankie complained that he was bored that they began to disagree. Bob -like always- went for the loud, crazy, somewhat physical ways of fun. Ray, on the other hand, reprimanded the blond one because he believed that it wasn't good for Frankie to get so worked up and hyper. I chose to just listen and have fun.
"Oh, Ray...one day of fun is one day of fun! It's not like we're gonna visit a boring historic museum." Bob claimed.
"I know, but I wanna see you control Frankie if he's too excited by the time we get to the zoo!" Ray returned.
"No problem, Super Bob can handle hyper short kids like nothing!"
"S-super Bob can d-do it all! He r-rocks!" Frankie intervened.
"Yeah? You don't even care that he calls you short?" Ray questioned.
"N-nope, I like b-being small 'cause ev-everybody carries me and it...it's n-nice!"
"And then he gets angry when we call him a baby!" I snickered.
"D-don't be mean! N-not a baby but...but l-like it the s-same."
"Then stop eating so much or we won't be able to carry you anymore!" Ray's voice was heard and right after the mirror showed me something passing fast over Bob and landing on Ray. I turned my head and it was Frankie, sitting on him and punching his chest.
"Frankie! What are you doing?" I called him.
"H-he's mean!"
"He was joking, babe!"
"Y-yeah? You w-were, Ray?"
"Of course I was joking! You're not too heavy at all, really. Stop beating me?"
"K-kay." Frank went back to his place and we spent the rest of the ride singing, an activity everybody agreed with.
***********
We entered the zoo and I was holding Frank's hand. Everything was fine until I let go of it for a second to search for my wallet. Big mistake. He took the chance to shoot himself out of my reach and ran away.
"Shit." I muttered. "Guys, would you please go get him while I buy the tickets?"
"Let's go, Ray!" Bob caught him by an arm and sprinted off.
When it was my turn to pay, the girl in charge observed me weirdly and then looked past me. My friends had returned with a sulking Frankie secured in between both their grips.
"He'd gone to see the monkeys." Ray informed. "Good that we found him before he was mistaken for one!"
"Don't worry, they won't mistaken Frankie when you are with us!" Bob chuckled.
"Veeery funny." Ray puffed.
"M-monkeys don't have a f-fro..." Frank shook his head.
"See? The boy knows better than you." Ray pushed Bob playfully and they chortled. Was I suddenly surrounded by little kids or what?
"Excuse me..." the girl at the entrance addressed me. "I've notice you have a...special kid with you."
"H-heard, Gee? She s-said it right. D-didn't call me c-crazy or...or r-retarded." he stood in front of the cabin. "Y-you're a good g-girl."
"Aww, thanks!" she responded. "And you're a very pretty boy! Now, what I was gonna tell you..." she redirected her attention to me. "...is that you have to be very careful and be sure you have him securely held and watched. The Zoo has fences in front of the cages for better safety, but they're not too tall and kids are rather skillful when it comes to climbing or sneaking into places."
"Don't worry, what you just saw won't happen again." I told her.
"Ok, then. Sorry, I have to tell you this because if something happened, the zoo's staff won't acknowledge any responsibility."
"I know, you're just doing your job, no need to apologize."
"Have a good day!" she smiled.
We finally walked in, Frankie dropping Ray's hand to take mine, his other one still on Bob's. Ray changed side and came to walk beside me. "Maybe he's still a little angry at me." he whispered.
"Nah, I don't think so. It's just that he's grown very fond of Bob 'cause he's like a big kid too, you know?"
"Yeah, I've noticed that! Hey Gee, have you called that guy Grace gave you the number of?"
"Mmm...no. I'm a coward, haven't had the guts to. My detective self needed some days off." I said. My notebook had been resting next to the phone for two days, so I wouldn't forget; but so far I had never felt like it was the right time.
"I can understand that, it's been all very weird and...dense." Ray supported my case.
"Wh-what's dense?" Frankie demanded to know.
"Himself, of course!" Bob spoke to Frankie secretively, though loud enough so we would hear it.
"Got a problem, blondie?" Ray faced Bob, his hands on his hips making his marked biceps very visible.
"I mean...that your afro is extremely dense, you didn't let me finish!" Bob mended his error.
"Chicken." Ray labeled him.
"Ch-chickens? Where?" Frank got into the conversation once again, bringing up general laughter.
"Bob's the only one here, Frankie. There ain't chickens in the Zoo! Wanna see the monkeys first, then?" Ray propound.
"Y-yay!"
We got to the monkeys' cage and Frank started to jump up and down, tugging at our hands. I had never liked monkeys, but kept the comment to myself.
"L-lemme go!"
"We can't let you go, you have to stay here behind the fence." I explained.
"I w-will. But l-let go of m-my hand!"
"Ok, I'll trust you."
"Are you sure?" Bob questioned. I nodded, freeing Frank's hand but holding him by his belt instead. He instantly climbed to the middle of the fence. Only his legs, up to his knees, rested against the horizontal bar. He stretched out with both arms, trying to reach the cage.
"Frankie...no, you're just gonna fall." I warned.
"N-no I won't, l-lemme."
"Frankie you..." before I could finish, I saw his upper body move forward as his feet were in the air. Thankfully, Ray's reflexes were enviable good. He got a handle of Frank's shirt and we both pulled him back just in time.
"Hand." Bob simply said to Frank, acting like an adult for once.
"Yes, you lost your opportunity," I stated.
"N-nooo pleease! I'll b-be good!" he pleaded. As much as he would usually convince me when he did that, I knew that there were some promises he just couldn't keep. It wasn't even his fault.
"Frankie..."
"Let's do something, at least for a while." Bob crouched in front of Frank. "Get on, is it better?"
"Yep, b-better!" he got on Bob's back and we continued with our visit.
"Ray's right, boy. You're getting heavy, I might need some unguent for my back tomorrow! Ouch, don't kick, it's a joke!"
It'd be a hard, long day I could tell; but it'd be worth it.
CHAPTER 36
I'll give you all I got to give
if you say you love me too.
I may not have a lot to give,
but what I got I'll give to you.
I don't care too much for money,
money can't buy me love.
On our next Zoo stop, we headed for the tigers. It was a huge, fenced area with lots of vegetation and even a fake lake, trying to recreate their natural habitat. Three adult tigers, a young one and several cubs were slugging under the sun.
"L-look...wow." Frankie exclaimed. I had problems deciding whether I should stare at those magnificent animals or Frank's ecstatic face. He was in a trance, eyes wide open as if blinking could be a crime because it would make him miss important seconds. For the first time he was seeing in the flesh those animals he had always admired through books.
"Beautiful, aren't they?" I asked.
"V-very..."
"I guessed you'd like to have some reminders of this day and brought this." Ray retrieved a digital camera from inside his backpack and offered it to Frankie. "I'll teach you so you can take pictures yourself."
"Are you sure, Ray?" I stopped his hand.
"Yeah, why?"
"He might drop it..." I signaled Frank's hands that were laced together over Bob's chest. They were shaky, as usual. I hated having to make those warnings, but I thought it necessary. Ray sighed, thinking for a moment.
"Shit, I should have thought of it before speaking. If it was mine I'd take the risk, but it's my brother's." he seemed to feel guilty, while Frankie was looking at him disappointed. However, the boy didn't complain, sadly used to people not trusting fragile objects in his hands.
"It's ok, Ray, Frankie understands."
"I know what we'll do." Ray spoke to Frank again. "I'll hold the camera here, in front of you. You look at the screen. What you see, is what will be in the pic, right?"
"R-right!"
"So, you'll guide my hands with yours until you like what you're seeing. When you're satisfied, say 'now' and I'll take the pic. Ok?"
"L-like this?" Frankie made Ray move the camera to the right.
"Yep, just tell me when."
"L-let's see...t-tigers look very s-small here! Oh! Th-the babies! I w-want the babies w-with their mom! Th-this, now!"
Ray clicked the button and then showed Frankie the photo. "Do you like it? It was a very good choice."
"Y-yes! It's c-cute!" Frank squealed watching the little screen.
"When I get home I'll print the pics for you, so you can have them bigger." Ray promised.
"Yay! C-can we take m-more?"
"Of course."
"Oh, you two are a great photographing duo!" I commented. It was a real good picture, even well centered.
"They are! Later we should take some pics of Frankie near the animals, don't you think, Gerard?" Bob suggested.
"That's a good idea." I nodded, and Frank grinned wider.
We visited lions, hippopotamuses, zebras, gorillas, and all kinds of birds. Ray and Frankie managed to get fantastic pictures of them all. What's more, they were exceptionally lucky to have a peacock display his tail for them. That didn't happen too often, those animals could be vain greedy fuckers and leave you waiting for hours.
At one point, noticing Bob's painful expression, I told him to rest for a while and I carried Frank on my back instead. Of course he could walk, but every time we let him do so, he would complain about our restrictions and try to liberate himself from us. Using us as his personal horses appeared to amuse him enough to forgive the lack of freedom.
When we got to the giraffes' sector, one of those incredibly tall animals stretched out its long neck, its head getting pretty close to mine and Frank's face. The boy emitted a short shriek and hid against my back.
"Hahaha, it won't eat you, babe! I think it wants you to feed it."
"Y-yeah?"
"I agree. Here you go, show it this." Ray pulled out a handful of grass from beside the fence. Frank grabbed it and offered it to the giraffe, extending his arm up as far as he could. I wasn't able to see his face, but I imagined he was still scared. The giraffe tested the situation first, sniffing Frank's hand and what it held. Finally, it separated its lips and slowly made the plant disappear, seemingly sucking it in.
"W-wow..." he muttered again, releasing the air he had been keeping in. Very proud of himself, Ray showed me the pic he'd gotten of that moment. Frank's half panicked face in it was priceless.
"That's so good!"
"G-gee...g-giraffes make any n-noise? L-like dogs or...or l-lions or m-monkeys?" Frank questioned.
"I don't know, never heard them."
"Y-you?" he asked Ray and Bob. Both boys shook their heads.
"Gu-guess they're m-mute, then. Y-you think the o-other animals make f-fun of them?"
"I don't think so. Animals are not as mean as some people, I'm sure they accept giraffes the way they are." I told him, relating that to human beings more than I had intended. I suspected that Frank had unconsciously done the same.
"Th-that's cool." he took my words as a total confirmation.
********************
"Frankie...you'll have to walk for a while. My back's hurting and Ray can't carry you and take pics at the same time." I flexed my knees so he could get off.
"I...I'm too h-heavy?"
"No, love, you're not too heavy. Just as heavy as a grown up boy can be." I took his hand firmly.
"Ah." He didn't walk at first, pouting like a stubborn little kid.
"Baby? Don't you like walking hand in hand with your boyfriend?" I tickled his armpit playfully. He giggled and looked up, catching my mouth in a quick kiss. I brought him closer and paid him back with a longer one. For once, I didn't bother to check if someone was watching us.
"L-let's go see m-more animals" he tugged at my arm, practically running and dragging me behind.
"Ok, but slower!"
"S-see? You're o-old!" he laughed.
"Have I said today how much I love this kid?" Bob chuckled. "Seriously, he's like my idol!"
"Really funny, Bob... really funny." I punched his arm.
******
"W-wanna pee." Frank declared a couple of animals later.
"Ok...let's search for the bathrooms, then." I looked around for signs. Soon, we saw some green arrows everywhere pointing towards the diverse facilities of the zoo.
The boys' bathroom presented many cubicles, but the main area wasn't too big. Embedded into the left wall were the urinals, and on the opposite one laid three sinks, a small marbled looking surface and a mirror.
There were a lot of people there. Adults talking loudly while their kids emptied their soda saturated bladders, and children commenting about everything they'd seen or screaming and laughing as if they were at a playground. An inexpert looking parent was struggling to change his little baby's diaper over the sink counter. The diminutive infant wouldn't stop crying his lungs out and kicking his chubby legs.
Frankie glanced towards the urinals -where a young man was doing his thing- and flinched.
"You don't have to use those. Come on, we'll look for the cleanest toilet." I whispered in his ear. He didn't move. Instead he looked at the floor, covering his ears with his hands.
"Frankie, are you ok?"
"T-tell them to sh-shut up." he murmured. This place was too packed and noisy for him.
"I can't do that...they're mostly kids, and a baby. Just go pee and we'll leave quickly." I hugged him.
"T-tell them to sh-shut the f-fuck up." he repeated louder, slightly trembling. A couple of boys turned to us curiously.
"Frankie calm down, everything's okay, you don't have to be scared." I tried again. He was breathing more rapidly.
"I C-CAN'T CALM D-DOWN. T-TOO MUCH N-NOISE, I D-DON'T LIKE IT, M-MAKE IT S-STOP GEE, MAKE IT S-STOP!" he screamed and hit my chest with his fists. Now everybody had stopped their current activities to behold the show. I wasn't embarrassed at all, I could never feel ashamed of Frankie; I just hated people staring at him like he was a freak. He noticed their eyes on him and hated it too. "D-DON'T LOOK AT M-ME, ASSHOLES. SH-SHUT UP!"
"Shhh...it's ok, we'll go out now, come with me." I throw my arm around his shoulders, guiding him to the door.
"Th-they won't shut u-up. Th-they won't. N-no. T-too much noise, G-gee...too m-much." he kept on babbling.
"I know, baby, I know. We're leaving." I kissed his head. "Sorry..." I said to no one in particular before stepping out with Frankie. Ray and Bob looked worried.
"What happened? We heard Frank screaming and were about to enter." Bob asked.
"He...got scared because there were too many people in there, and they were all talking and screaming and a baby was crying..." I related. Grace had told me that Frankie was never able to endure loud noises -whether it was voices, music, or the TV- save he was the one making them. He would run and isolate himself in a quiet room whenever other patients started screaming. Also, the only places where he'd accept to be surrounded by more than five people close to him were the classroom -when he used to attend- and the dining room. He had explained to Grace that it was okay in those cases because the kids were sitting and in order. He didn't like it when it was a mess of people. Grace believed -and I agreed- that it could have to do with past experiences; maybe even from the short period of time when he lived with his mother. She must have screamed at him a lot, or maybe many people used to visit their house and they'd listen to loud music. Kids with Frank's problems were very sensitive and more likely to get scared in a stressful environment.
"Damn, never thought a bathroom could be so noisy!" Ray expressed surprised.
"It w-was! S-still have to p-pee." Frankie crossed his legs tight, looking desperate.
"Let's see..." I led him behind that same structure. There was a narrow corridor in between it and the wall surrounding the zoo. "You can pee here, no one will see you."
"K-kay. Y-you can s-stay 'cause you're m-my boyfriend, I d-don't mind."
"Ok." I responded, only staying to make sure he wouldn't run away after that. Because of wanting to respect Frankie and give him some privacy, I was slow. When I heard him zip up his pants and before I could snatch his hand back, he started to run.
I had never been a runner, so it could be hard to catch up with him even if he wasn't that fast. I screamed for Bob and Ray to help me, but Frankie was already way ahead.
We chased after him, panting like dogs, until he stopped in front of a cage we hadn't visited yet: the elephants'. Several kids were standing in front of it, jumping and screaming to try and get the huge animal's attention. Frank froze, looking at the kids and then at the elephant with terror in his eyes. The elephant raised his trunk and walked towards the fence. Frankie walked backwards and then turned on his heels, running to us as soon as he saw us. He held my torso trembling from head to toes.
"It...it's g-gonna escape n-now. Y-yes...we h-have to l-leave, please..."
"No, Frankie, it can't escape..." I caressed his hair.
"Y-yes it can! Th-the children are m-making it an-angry and it...it w-will escape and c-crush us all! Y-yes..." he insisted. I had never figured out where this fear of his came from. Neither had Grace. Frank wasn't scared of stepping into moving traffic, climbing things or playing with sharp objects. He didn't fear wild felines and would get into their cages if allowed. He'd try to pet every dog he found on the street without ever considering one could bite him. However, he was terrified of being crushed to death by animals that you would never find in your everyday life. Animals that you would only see there, in the zoo, confined to their poor simulacrum of a jungle.
"The elephant's not angry, it's used to seeing kids. It's just greeting them with its trunk, see?" Ray helped.
"N-no it's not! An-angry!"
"You know how we told you that you weren't really heavy?" Bob intervened. "Well, elephants are heavy. Very very heavy. They can't jump fences. They're huge, heavy bastards!"
"Th-there are b-birds, they'll h-help it."
"Birds can't lift an elephant, Frankie. Come on, let's get closer so you can see it's harmless." I tried to make him, but he was rooted to his place. I walked the same, obliging him to move and overcome his fear.
"Gerard, are you sure you should force him?" Ray inquired.
"I don't know...I just want to make him see that there's no reason to be afraid of elephants."
"N-NO! L-LEMME! IT'S G-GONNA ESCAPE AND C-CRUSH US FIRST! P-PLEASE, NO!" he shouted desperate, causing the caretaker to come see what was wrong.
"Th-the elephant is g-gonna escape and c-crush us all! Ch-children screaming m-make it n-nervous!" Frankie told him. The man smiled to me sympathetically, then spoke to Frank.
"I know they're huge and you're small, which can be pretty scary. But I can assure you, that big boy wouldn't hurt anyone. He's lovely as a dog! And he can't leave his cage, anyway."
"Frankie says the birds can help him..." I added, hoping the man would dissipate all of his doubts.
"Not even all of our biggest birds could lift Billy one inch off the ground!"
"S-sure?"
"Sure."
"H-his name's B-Billy?"
"Yes. Follow me."
The caretaker guided us to a farthest side of the fence, out of the people's sight, where he opened a small section of it with a key and let us in. We were now in between the safety barrier and the actual big fenced area. The man entered a small building to the side and came back with a red purplish fruit, probably a large plum. He gave it to Frankie.
"Would any of you help the boy up so he can get closer to Billy? I'd do it myself, but he doesn't know me and I don't want to scare him."
"You're the tallest, Ray!" Bob pointed at my curled friend, hinting that he should compensate the fact that he hadn't carried Frank yet. Ray didn't object and I helped my boyfriend get as far up his back as possible.
"Wh-what if I m-make Billy mad?"
"You won't, Billy loves visitors." the man answered. "Now offer the fruit to him, he'll grab it with his trunk."
"K-kay..." Frank did as he was told, as I took the camera from around Ray's neck to catch the moment. Billy gently accepted the plum and brought it to his mouth. After that, he extended his trunk again, reaching out for Frankie.
"Wh-what's he d-doing now?"
"Wait and see." the man smiled. Billy's trunk first rested on top of Frank's head, then slid down along his hair. Lastly, the end with the opening touched Frankie's cheek -or better said half his face- as if giving him a kiss. He shuddered, giggling.
"Aww th-thanks, Billy! Y-you're a g-good boy. N-now I know you w-won't crush us."
" No elephant will crush us, Frankie." Ray put him down.
"Y-you don't know all el-elephants! N-no one does, not e-even him!" he pointed at the elephant carer.
"No, but I know a lot about them, and they don't go around crushing people, trust me." the man ensured.
"S-still not sure. B-but Billy's cute, I l-like him very m-much. B-bye, Billy!" he blew the elephant a kiss, and I nearly jumped on him to eat him. Frank could be overwhelmingly sweet sometimes. He had maybe not completely conquered his fear, yet he had faced it which was an important step.
Feeling hungry, we went for some burgers. It was the speediest meal of our lives, since Frankie finished his in a minute and rushed us to do the same, not wanting to waste any second. He said that we could eat at home or anywhere, while it was only there that we were able to see so many animals. He was right after all, my wise little man. Frank wasn't less intelligent than anyone; he just had a different, simpler, more practical intelligence.
After roaming around the whole zoo, making sure that we hadn't deprived a single animal of our visit, we decided to snap ourselves. We tried telling Frankie to stand alone in front of the cages, but he insisted on climbing the barriers to get closer; so we ended up taking turns to pose with him.
I had always hated pictures as much as I hated to look at myself in the mirror. This time, though, I was excited to see us together. Our first photographs together.
I refused to look at them in the camera. I'd wait to see them bigger, to verify if the happiness I was feeling at the moment could be seen on my face, if it reflected in my eyes. I would choose the best ones to frame and this day would live forever in them. I wouldn't feel bad about myself, because I knew that I looked better when with Frank.
I photographed Bob, Ray and Frankie playing around and being silly, laughter making it hard for me to hold the camera still. When they began to imitate the animals I had to get them on video too, so we'd be able to laugh at the noises later.
Before leaving, we went to the Shop of Souvenirs. The plushies were so damn adorable that none of us could resist. Bob bought a camel which Frank said looked like him with beard. Ray, after hearing many monkey jokes, chose a little one and announced that he'd adopt it as a brother. I settled upon a tiger and Bob call me too predictable, because almost everybody bought tigers. I didn't care, I liked my tiger. Since Frankie was the guest of honor, we allowed him to pick two plushies. A giraffe and an elephant were his choices, and we all smiled to each other without saying a word.
******
Having driven for a while, I found it strange that I couldn't hear anything coming from the back seat. I adjusted the mirror to be able to see, and what I witnessed made me literally 'squee'. The three boys had fallen asleep. Ray against the car's door, Bob drooling over Ray's shoulder, and Frankie lying down on Bob's lap. An exciting, active day ending with the calmest, most peaceful image.
I parked on a side of the road. I knew it wasn't permitted to do so, but it'd only be for a few seconds; just the time it took me to turn the camera on and capture that moment forever. A perfect Kodak moment.
Even though Frankie woke up when we got home, that didn't last. After talking like a machine about everything we had seen and asking nearly one hundred times when Ray would bring us the pics, he passed out on the couch. Puppy was curled in between his arms. I adjusted a cushion under Frank's head and took off his glasses so he'd be more comfortable. I sat down beside him and soon fell asleep too, smiling to myself while I remembered his happy face. It wasn't only about having seen all the animals that he loved so much. It was also the fact that he wasn't left out of outings anymore.
Honestly, he was difficult to control and rather unruly and adventuresome; yet not much more than any other kid. He hadn't done anything as bad as to make me think that he couldn't be taken to a similar place again. Sure, he had his issues; but it wasn't such a problem if you knew him well and were practiced at managing certain situations. That's why I still couldn't understand why those people at the institution, who were supposed to be a lot more experienced than I, would always make Frank stay.
Like it'd usually happen when I knew I couldn't sleep much, I woke up after no more than two hours. Stretching, I looked around thinking of what I should do first. I had already cleaned the mess Puppy made, having been home alone for so many hours. Then I saw my folded notebook next to the phone, showing that judge's number.
"Why not? Come on, Gerard, don't be a coward!" I encouraged myself. Not giving me time to doubt, I picked up the handset and clicked the numbers. A young female voice answered.
"Hello?"
"Hello...could I speak to Alexander Hawkins?"
"Wait a minute." she said coldly, returning after a while. "He asks who it is that wants to speak to him."
"He doesn't know me, but tell him that Grace Neil gave me his number."
"Ok..." she sighed. Again I had to wait, feeling pointlessly nervous. "Hello? He told me if you could call again in twenty minutes?"
"Of course! Alright then, thanks!" I answered.
"Bye." she hung up. I imagined that was Hawkins' house's phone number, and the girl was maybe his daughter. She didn't seem to enjoy doing secretary work.
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