"Frankie, I need to ask you something again, just don't tell Donna that I did, ok?"
"K-kay." He nodded. "S-secret."
"Tell me the truth: have you been feeling fine lately?"
"Y-yes, I'm f-fine. M-my head's a little s-sleepy." he told me, strangely grinning.
"And that's not bad?"
"N-no...kinda f-funny. It...it's b-bad when it's a m-mess. Y-yeah, too b-bad. N-now it's not."
"Did your head feel like this when you lived at the institution?" I asked. He clearly took things much better than I did.
"Y-yes. I...I d-don't like when I'm d-dizzy but...it's on-only sometimes wh-when I get up."
"Ok, that's all baby. If something was wrong or you felt bad you should tell me."
"K-kay." he answered as he grabbed the remote control and turned the TV on. I needed to stop worrying so much and understand once and for all that Frankie was used to psychiatric medication and all that came with it.
We were still flicking through the channels, trying to find something good enough to watch, when Ray arrived.
"Hello, boys! I have the night free so thought of paying you a visit and...yeah, Gerard. I'll let you use my cellphone." he read my expression. Every time we talked that week, I'd reminded him that I needed to call Grace and told him not to forget his phone when he came.
"R-ray!" Frankie hugged him. "S-saw my plant? D-didn't appear here y-yet."
"See your plant? What...?" Ray saw me grab my head. "Bad day?"
"Frankie? Nah, he's a saint. Too much so, lately." I responded, distracted.
"I meant you. "
"I'm ok, just wanna go home, my family is pissing me off."
"S-saw my al-alien plant or n-not?" Frank insisted.
"I didn't, but I'll be alert and tell you if I do." Ray told him smiling.
"D-dunno if you'll s-see it. M-maybe not."
"It'll let me see it because it knows I'm your friend."
"Ahh, k-kay."
"Gerard." Ray addressed me again. "Take it easy, it'll pass. Here you have the phone, go call somewhere else and I'll stay here with Frankie."
"Thanks, I'll be back in a while."
The first time I dialed Grace's number, I barely got to tell her who was calling. She said that she was in the middle of chaos -which seemed evident by the screams that could be heard- and she'd call me back in fifteen minutes or so. I was going to return to the living room, then opted for staying there, lying on my old bed with my mind blank for once. No thinking, no worrying, no stressing. I just closed my eyes and shut down my brain. That, until Iron Maiden's music startled me -Ray was as much of a fan as me- and I picked up the phone in a hurry.
"Hello...Grace?"
"Yes, things are calmer now. How are you, Gerard?"
"I'm fine, still sore but it wasn't serious."
"God, boy! Of course it was serious, just the fact that it could have been worse makes it serious. And the terrible moment you and Frankie had to go through! Are you sure it had to do with Frank's mother and all that? When your friend told me what had happened I felt really bad, because in some way I encouraged you to investigate, I told you to call the judge..."
"Oh no, Grace. It's not your fault, I was already obsessed with trying to find out. And yes, I'm sure what happened had to do with it, sadly."
"I still feel responsible, I never thought that the people involved could be that dangerous! I should have...Can you tell me how things exactly were? I've been deadly worried."
And again I recalled everything that had occurred that unfortunate afternoon, painfully putting it into words for Grace. She was shocked and kept apologizing while I kept repeating that it wasn't her fault at all; it had been all mine.
I told her how Frankie was and the changes that had issued after that episode. About the meds, she said that he was usually on that same dose while there, though once in a while they'd reduce it temporarily -or raise it, if they wrongly thought it necessary. They had been using a different medication during the last couple of years, but the components where very similar.
"Frankie will be fine, Gerard. Be patient, he's strong boy."
"Yeah, he's stronger than me for sure."
"I'm sure everybody told you the same thing already but...forget about Frank's past and family. Just take care of my sweet kid and enjoy your life together." Grace whispered. She must be hiding from someone. "Sorry...my boss was in sight, he left now. Promise you'll do that?"
"I do, I promise. I have Frank with me, I don't care about that money or anything else."
"That's great. Could I talk to Frankie?" she made the request I had been fearing.
Frankie and I had made some progress in our relationship since the last time he talked to Grace, and I wasn't sure if she was going to like it. I knew she'd ask Frankie lots of questions related to our...sexual life; and Frankie would always be honest. The mere idea was making me feel uncomfortable, exposed. However I couldn't refuse to let her talk to Frankie or come up with any excuses. That would make it seem as if I had something to hide.
"Of course, just a minute."
CHAPTER 44
When you walk you walk higher than the others,
when you talk you talk merciless the bothering truth.
Everyone seems remote-controlled nowadays,
only you have a frequency far beyond their ways.
Ray noticed my nervousness when I handed the phone to Frank. He guided the boy to my mother's bedroom, pushing me out and closing the door.
"But Ray..."
"No but's Gerard, let him talk to Grace in peace."
"But...to leave him alone there? Don't you think...?"
"He'll be fine. There's nothing dangerous in that room and he'll only be speaking on the phone. But his safety's not what is worrying you now, is it?" Ray asked me as we entered the kitchen.
"I don't know what you mean."
"Yes, you know what I mean. Gerard..." he made me sit down. "...do you regret something you did with Frank? Do you think you did something wrong?"
I cradled my head in my hands and thought of the last intimate situations between Frankie and me. I didn't recall the actions themselves and instead remembered the emotions. What I felt, what I knew Frank was feeling judging by his facial expressions and his reactions. Those details had been engraved in my mind much deeper than the visual memories. It wasn't about what we had touched or how we had moved, it was all about what it'd made us feel.
"No." I stated shortly. "I did nothing wrong, we did nothing wrong, and I'm sure Frankie agrees."
"Then what's your problem?"
"She's gonna interrogate him, Ray! I know how things were and Frankie knows how things were but...what if Grace thinks of it differently and gets mad at me?" I hit the table furiously, the sudden jolt reverberating through my body and reaching my injured shoulder. "FUCK!"
"Gee, did you...?" Ray doubted, and I understood what he was implying.
"No! We didn't..." I realised I was rising my voice too much. "...we didn't have sex, of course not! We just, uh...you know how we now take showers together? Well we...he..."
"No...please, Gerard, I don't want details." Ray interrupted me. "From how you answered my first questions I'm sure you did things the right way. Frankie will tell the truth, don't worry."
"Still! Frankie must be confessing everything to her now, it's...it's so weird. Like...things that should be kept private are being...publicized!"
"Stop with the exaggeration, will you? It's only normal for Grace to do that considering Frank's condition, and even more having in mind that he was once...well, practically raped. That boy John could have not known what he was doing, but that didn't change anything for Frank. Or for Grace when she found out. Just imagine how she must have felt...Frankie's like her son!"
"I know! I fucking know! But I can't get rid of this discomfort!" I got up and stomped to the fridge, fuming as soon as I opened it and looked inside.
"MIKEY! MIKEY FUCKING WAY!"
"Hey! What the fuck is wrong with you?" my brother came running.
"Where's the damn beer? I know that you, Alicia and your friends all drink when you get together here."
"Gerard d-" Ray tried to speak, but I motioned for him to wait.
"Are you kidding me, Gerard?" Mikey said.
"No. I'm asking you where the damn beer is."
"Look, we sure drink some beer once in a while, but it's not like we need it, it's not a must. You expected us to stock the fridge full of beer just before bringing you boys here? What's gotten into your rotten head to make you think that your own family would have alcohol within easy reach for you? And...while you're taking pain killers! Are you sure those guys didn't kick your head? Shit! Even Frankie would reason better than you!" he spat at me, forcing me back onto the chair.
"I don't wanna get drunk, I just want a damn beer! And don't fucking mock Frankie!"
"I'm not. I'm mocking you, you're an idiot. Make yourself a fucking tea and calm the fuck down." he left without looking back.
"Oh...wow. I guess I made my little bro really mad." I sighed, slightly shaking.
"Do I need to answer that?" Ray chuckled. "I'll make you that tea, seems like a good idea. Are you ok, Gee? Gee? Where did you go now?"
"Couch!" I shouted. I took the pack of cigarettes I had left over a shelf and sat sprawled on the padded surface. My crippled arm's hand held the stick while my other one operated the lighter, switching hands right after. The first inhalation seemed strange, out of custom.
For some reason I had rarely smoked since I found Frankie. Only in a few occasions when I'd be too anxious, usually while not at home. No one understood how I had managed that when I was, at the same time, struggling to keep myself away from alcohol. I didn't have an answer, I just wouldn't feel the need to smoke. I had never been a big smoker, anyway.
So, this being my first cig in weeks, my body proved to be more sensitive to it. I could sense the noxious smoke making its way inch by inch until it got to my lungs. It filled them; and as I slowly released the whitish fume my muscles gradually relaxed, my hands became steady again. I regained control of my body and my mind. I hated how something so unhealthy could make me feel better, I didn't want to depend on it. It was for that same reason that I'd tried so hard to put a stop to my drinking problem before it became even worse. However, the circumstanced had brought me the need to indulge in some kind of vice; and smoking seemed the lesser damage in the short run. If it kept me from leaving the house in search for alcohol, then I could live with it.
The fag shortened, ash accumulated on the ceramic tray before me, Frank's voice could be heard now and then from down the corridor. Only random, louder exclamations. Nothing that could suggest what was happening, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. Ray brought me my tea and I thanked him with a smile and a nod, but continued to suck the life out of that tubular, thin object between my fingers. I knew that he had stayed, that he had taken a seat on the smaller couch. I knew he was observing me, worrying about me, wondering what I was thinking. But my eyes were closed and I waited, smoking.
As Frankie was barefoot, I didn't hear him shuffle toward us. I hadn't even heard him open the bedroom's door. He sat indian style beside me and gave me Ray's phone, smiling sweetly. His eyes were reddened, and he was still drying some tears with the back of his hand. I guessed he and Grace hadn't only talked about our relationship.
"Hello?" I spoke on the cellphone. No one answered.
"Did you press any button, Frankie?" I asked him, but he shook his head.
"Grace's not on the line anymore..."
"N-nope."
"Didn't she want to talk to me?"
"Sh-she had to go w-work. S-said she'll c-call you on your ph-phone." Frankie told me. I partly felt relieved for not having to listen to whatever Grace thought; but it wasn't that good to be left with the doubt.
"Didn't she say anything else?"
"Uh...y-yes. Sh-she said...she s-said...she t-told me to t-tell you to...to k-keep behaving, th-that!"
"Oh, ok. Thanks, baby." It didn't sound so bad. If she said 'keep' behaving, that meant that she thought I had been behaving so far. Or so I hoped.
"D-don't like that s-smell. S-smoke sucks, s-stop." Frankie brought me back from my thoughts, trying to steal the cigarette from my hand.
"Alright, wait, let me put it out." I pressed the stub against the tray, watching its light die. "Done." I kissed Frank's lips.
"N-no ewww, s-smells."
"The kid's the anti-vice patrol." Ray laughed.
"He is! Wait a minute, Frankie." I went to brush my teeth and then returned to my quiet boyfriend. "Come here." I patted my lap.
"I...I'm g-gonna make you h-hurt."
"No you won't, here, that's ok." I made him lean on the right side of my chest.
"Gee, ain't it time for his meds?" Ray reminded me. I looked at the clock on the wall.
"Oh, shit, yes. Just when I..."
"Nah, stay there, I'll go for them." he detained my attempts at getting up.
"Thank you, savior Ray! The can of candy is over the right counter."
While Frankie gulped down the tricky candy, I remembered how I had been told by many people that it was usually pretty hard to make mental patients take their pills. We could considered ourselves lucky because Frankie had rarely given us any trouble with it. It was all about administering the medication in the way he liked it. Right now I felt like it was an abuse to give him more pills when he was already so appeased, but I had given up on arguing.
"Would you tell me something, babe?" I took the chance to talk to him before he became knocked out.
"Wh-what?"
"I know you probably told Grace all that we did. Wasn't she angry?"
"C-can't tell you wh-what we talked. G-grace says it's a s-secret." Frankie whispered as if the woman could hear him.
"It's fine, you don't have to tell me what you talked, just answer that little question. Was she angry?"
"Gerard, enough." Ray mumbled from the magazine he was reading. I didn't reply. Frankie also stayed silent, playing with my hair.
"N-no she w-wasn't angry." he finally replied. "'C-cause I told h-her I l-liked all we d-did." he neared his mouth to my ear and added something more in that sudden seductive voice I'd been missing. 'I...I l-liked it very m-much."
"What the...Frankie? Little Frankie?" Ray jumped from his couch and stared at him thunderstruck. He had never heard him do that. I smiled to myself, thinking that now my friend surely believed everything I'd told him about Frankie.
"Wh-what?" Frank asked innocently.
"Oh, nothing, don't mind me."
******
"Is your mom coming home for dinner?" Ray questioned later.
"No, she's working tonight, so she'll eat there. She was really sorry for not being able to be here and make dinner. That woman's been a cooking machine this week, she says Frankie and I need to have some more homemade meals."
"Poor Donna is always worried because you eat too much junk food." Ray laughed.
"That's not true, I've learned a lot of cooking these last months. You know that I prefer Frankie to eat healthy too." I retorted.
"I know, and I've told her, but she's not that convinced. I'm amazed that she didn't leave something prepared tonight."
"Oh, she wanted to! But Mikey and I told her to go take a nap before leaving, since she wouldn't be getting much sleep later." I chuckled, checking to see if Frankie was listening; but he wasn't. He was still on my lap and his eyes were glued to the TV screen. His glasses were somewhat lowered, and from above I could see his long, dark eyelashes flickering. I didn't think he was paying real attention to the cartoon, more like watching the images move. Sometimes he appeared to sleep with open eyes.
"You were right, uh? He's not always the innocent little kid." Ray nodded towards Frankie, knowing that he would not register our conversation.
"I knew you didn't believe me! How would I lie about that, Ray?"
"I didn't think you were lying, I thought you had maybe imagined it. Still not sure if Frank knows what he's doing when he does...that." he said.
"He does know, I can tell you. He may have taken that from the movies he's seen, or maybe it's just natural; but he can definitely be...well, sexy." I grinned at Ray and kissed the top of Frankie's head. He let out a sigh, but still didn't move.
"Uh...still not relating those kind of words to him! Let's change the subject?" Ray scratched his scalp uncomfortably.
It was understandable. Even though he was -like me- only five years older than Frank, he truly felt like his 'uncle Ray' and saw him like a kid. He was conscious that Frank was my boyfriend and therefore mature enough in some aspects; but he'd act like a child the rest of time which confused him.
"Ok, what do you want to talk about?" I stifled a laugh.
"Food. I'm hungry, I say..."
"...pizza."
"How did you now?" he asked frowning.
"Come on! What else could you come up with? You often brag about being a good cook, but then when you're with me you always want to order pizza!" I accused him.
"Oh...Gerard, don't complain. I'll cook you a meal next time, I promise. Too tired today so...pizza?"
"Y-yeah pizza." Frankie spoke for the first time in more than an hour, yet he kept on looking at the TV. "L-like it, and I d-don't need f-fork. E-easier, y-yes."
"Pizza, then." I gave in, I loved it too anyway. Plus, that way I would not need to tell anyone to cut my meal for me, which I hated.
Dinner time was weird and kind of tense. Mikey was mad at me for 'yelling and being a general asshole' -according to Alicia. I was angry at him for making a big thing out of nothing. So we basically ignored each other. Alicia kept nudging us, encouraging us to apologize; but we could be two complete stubborn bastards when we wanted. And proud of it. Ray tried to converse a little with each, showing no favoritism. I was sure that he wanted to kick both our asses. Frankie was lost on his plate, having no knowledge of the silent battle taking place at the same table. He had, at first, grabbed a portion of pizza as everyone else; but he kept on dropping it when he'd go absentminded. Then he opted for leaving it down, taking little pieces out of it with his fingers. That didn't stop him from eating more than the rest of us, though.
******
And that's how the whole week proceeded, each day similar to the previous one. Mikey and I made up only to have a new argument some hours later. I guessed we just weren't mean to live together anymore, and Mikey was definitely not prepared to live with Frankie. He did try, he was being a lot more patient and admitted Frank was much less annoying than before; but even with the best of intentions Mikey didn't know how to deal with him most of the time. Nevertheless, he never screamed at Frankie or treated him bad again, all the contrary he was rather sweet with him. When something about Frank bothered him or confused him, he'd just come to me. I did appreciate that, although my brother had a way of saying things that didn't get along with my edgy mood.
My mother continued to overprotect Frankie and to always be in the middle whenever we'd be getting close. Also, she never stopped asking me if I was fine and if my shoulder still hurt. It did hurt, but it had turned into a bearable pain, even when I wouldn't take any painkillers. In those last days, I had smoked more than I did in four months; but at least that had kept my craving for alcohol under control. I was careful not to smoke in front of Frankie, since he had made it clear how much he hated it.
To say it shortly, I was waiting desperately for that week to end. Unfortunately, there was one more obligation to face before that happened: Frankie had an appointment for a medical checkup on Friday. Friday had arrived.
We needed to be there at 10. Frankie had taken his meds not long ago so he was pretty off, just following whatever we said. Hopefully that would be a positive thing in this case and he'd be a good boy with the doctor. Still, I had a different worry. Even though Frank seemed to be healthy, I was afraid that the doctor might find that something else was wrong with him. He didn't need any more problems.
Neglecting my protests about entrusting him my car, Mikey drove Frank, my mother and me to the small hospital.
"Call me when you're done, I don't wanna bore myself to death waiting here." he told us. I saw my car disappear along the street and cursed under my breath.
"What's wrong with you now?" mom asked.
"Nothing."
"Come on, cheer up or you're gonna scare Frankie."
"Yeah, sorry mom." I apologized, taking Frankie's hand. "Let's go, babe."
"K-kay." he whispered and began to walk slowly beside me.
"You know why we came here?" I questioned him.
"N-no. D-don't want you to s-stay here."
"What do you mean, Frankie?" my mother inquired.
"L-like he did at the o-other place."
"Oh...he hospital where Gee stayed at when he got hurt?"
"Y-yeah."
"No baby, we didn't come here to leave Gerard! We came for a doctor to see you." she explained.
"B-but...but I d-don't want t-to. I...I'm not h-hurt."
"No, you're not. He's just going to check that you're strong and healthy. Don't worry, it'll be very simple and not painful at all. Donna works here, so everybody will be very nice to you." I tried to keep him calm. He didn't really look nervous, but that could be just the meds inhibiting him from showing it.
"K-kay." he answered. It was so unlike him to not argue at all that I missed his old self. I knew it wasn't very normal of me to miss that part, but I did.
We only waited for fifteen minutes before the doctor called us; privileges of being one of the hospital's favorite nurses' relatives. I had seen that doctor many times when visiting my mother there. He was around 50, of average height and he had a thick, black mane spattered with white hairs. His name was William and he was a pediatrician, but my mother thought Frankie would feel more comfortable with him. William seemed to be a nice man. He greeted us all with a smile and then stopped in front of Frankie.
"So...this is the famous Frankie, uh? Donna speaks a lot about you." he commented. Frankie cowered behind me.
"It's ok, Frankie. He's Donna's friend."
"Yes, she's the best nurse around."
"Oh, thanks!" my mother smiled. For a moment I thought I saw some special interest in her look, but I shrugged it off. Frank showed himself again shyly and offered his hand for William to shake it.
"That's better. Nice to meet you Frankie, I'm William."
"H-hi."
"Well, I already have all the information I need to have in mind." the doctor informed us. My mom had talked to him a couple of weeks before and filled him in about Frank and the medication he took. "You can wait outside. Donna, I'll call you if it's necessary."
"Ok." she replied. "Frankie's rather sedated at this hour, so I don't think you'll have any problem with him. But if you do just...ask for help."
"N-no...Gee! S-stay!" Frank reached out for me.
"Do what William says, Frankie, you'll be fine. We'll be behind this door."
"K-kay, assholes."
"Frankie!" my mother exclaimed, blushing. William and I just laughed, Frankie eying us confusedly.
"Let's go outside, Gerard." she mumbled.
******
"Son, can you please stop walking in circles and sit down? William's not killing Frankie in there. You know that, right?" We had been in the waiting room for at least 10 minutes and she had gotten tired of my pacing.
"Yes. But what if something's wrong with him, something else!" I moved my hand tensely while talking.
"Gerard, I'm sure whatever the doctor might find is gonna be completely normal under the circumstances; and it's all treatable. What's more, you shouldn't worry before time, since there's a big possibility that nothing is wrong at all."
"You think?"
"I do, relax. Don't you think Grace would have told you if Frankie had another health problem?"
"I guess, but who knows, maybe she didn't want to scare me and..."
"Everything will be fine." she got up to hug me and I followed her back to the seat, snuggling against her. Those were the moments when my mom did make me feel more serene.
More minutes -that felt eternal- went by until William opened the door and asked her to come in. She was going to be the one to take the blood sample, which was the part of the exam that concerned me the most. Frank hated shots and now, after the incident, he'd get also terrified when thinking of blood.
"Can I go in too?" I requested.
"Of course." The doctor assented.
"How did you find him?" I needed to know right away. In the meantime, my mother headed towards a little table in a corner, preparing a syringe.
"He appears to be healthy, there's nothing too out of normal for a psychiatric patient. There could be a certain grade of anemia, which we'll know for sure in about an hour with the test. Then his heartbeat is slightly accelerated, but it's not enough to be considered an arrhythmia. It may be due to the nerves from being here, or that he's still recovering from a strong shock. I'll check that again in a couple of weeks just in case, but you should pay attention. If you see him too agitated with no reason or having problems breathing, bring him here."
"What?! But...could it be serious?" I blurted out, alarmed. I hated doctors, I hated them all.
"Calm down, Gerard. I don't think it's serious, it's most probably nothing. But since antipsychotics can cause those kind of irregularities it's better to be alert." the doc answered with that same annoying tranquility.
"Anything else?"
"Not so far. As I said, we should wait an hour for the basic test results. Then I'll send the blood to be further analyzed. It's advisable because we don't have access to Frankie's medical record."
"Oh, ok. Sorry for being so insistent." I muttered ashamed. The idea of them looking deeper into Frank's blood terrified me.
"Wh-what blood? Wh-where? N-no, no m-more blood, you s-said, Gee." Frankie suddenly reacted upon hearing that word. William walked to the examination stretcher where he was sitting and I almost screamed when I heard the doctor tell Frank the truth. Terrible idea.
"Look, Frankie. To be sure that everything's right with you, we need a little bit of your blood. Just a little."
"N-NO! I...I d-don't wanna b-bleed, don't w-wanna see b-blood!" Frankie whimpered.
"Shh, no. You won't bleed. Donna's going to do it, you know she wouldn't cause you any pain. And I promise that you won't see the blood. Right, Donna?" he asked her.
"You won't see a drop of it!"
"B-but how you d-do it?"
"Don't be scared. It'll be like a shot but..."
"N-no shots!"
"Let me finish, it's like a shot, but I won't inject you with anything. It won't hurt, really. Do you trust me?" my mother grabbed Frank's face and caressed it.
"Y-yes."
"Ok, then. Let's do it quickly, don't look." she instructed him. I held him with his face against my chest. He was trembling, but didn't try to escape. Just in case that Frankie suddenly turned his head and looked, my mother had covered the syringe with white tape. She had enough experience to know when it was enough without having to see. She found the vein, carefully inserted the needle and pulled. I couldn't believe that I was still watching and didn't feel like fainting. I didn't want to abuse of my second of braveness, though, so I buried my face into Frank's hair and inhaled the strawberry scent.
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