"Y-you're right, Ray. And this time I mean it, you're right. I won't do anything, I promise I won't try. I don't want to lose him, I don't wanna fuck up, I swear I don't...I don't..." I sniffed.
"I'm glad to hear that, at last. Now please, forget about it, don't let it end your sanity. Frankie needs you."
"I...I know. I'm just...so scared right now, what if I already fucked up? That call I got a while ago I..." I suddenly regretted telling him, but it was late.
"What call? Did something else happen, Gee?"
"I d-don't know. I picked up the phone and no one answered. Do you think it means something?"
"Uh...no, I'm sure it's nothing, wrong number probably. Don't give it importance, you have enough to worry about." Ray reassured me, though I could sense the doubt in his voice.
"Ok..."
"Gee, do you think you'll be fine? It could be bad for Frankie to notice you so nervous. I would offer to bring him here for the night, but my parents would interrogate me. You could ask Bob, though, he lives alone. I know he's not the most serious guy, but one can see that he adores Frank. Maybe it's better if..."
"NO!" I interrupted him. I couldn't bear the idea of Frank being away from me, not even for a night, not at the moment. "I need Frankie with me, I'll calm down for him."
"Alright, then go with him. Even if he's sleeping just stay with him all the time and get away from that can of beer. Drinking's not gonna help you at all." he reprimanded me. I gasped, highly astonished.
"How do you...?"
"It's been years, I know you. And I know what your escape is as of late." I could 'hear' him smirk.
"Don't worry, I won't touch it. I feel better already...thanks, Ray"
"Take care, Gee. We all need you in one piece." he ended the communication.
"Enough, no more detective Way." I muttered as I put the beer can back into the fridge. A wave of craving hit me once again, and I contemplated the cans for a while until I was able to close the door. I returned to the bedroom and lied down with Frankie, hugging him close to me. I couldn't stop the tears that fell one after another on the pillow.
"G-gee, you're c-crying again? Wh-what happened?" he asked softly, kissing my forehead.
"I just...I had a nightmare, that's all."
"Oh, wh-what you d-dreamed?"
"I don't remember, I guess I was crying in my dream." I made up. Frankie looked at the ceiling and stood up on the bed, one hand on the wall to keep his balance. He reached up and appeared to grab something.
"F-for you. Th-the alien plant l-let me reach it! It...it'll m-make you feel b-better." he nodded, handing me the imaginary item. I guessed it was an orange by the position of Frank's hand.
I simulated removing a little piece of the rind and brought the invisible fruit to my lips, squeezing it and pretending to suck the juice out of it. I concentrated enough, pushing any other thoughts off my mind, until I could actually savor the orange.
"Is...is it y-yummy?" Frank inquired smiling. I smiled back, even though I knew Ray or my mother would kill me if they saw me playing along with Frankie's hallucinations.
"The best orange I've ever had. And you were right, I feel better already." And I did, momentarily at least.
******
Everything came back to me the following day. All the information, the nerves, the indignation. As soon as I woke up that awful feeling inside my chest had returned. I tried to hide it from Frankie as much as I could; however, something told me he had registered it. He didn't ask or speak about it, yet he was unusually nervous. Unusual since he had started taking the medication.
When Ray arrived I was trying to make Frank eat his cereal, though all he'd do was to stir it around inside the bowl as he slightly balanced his body and swung his legs that hung from the chair.
"Frankie, stop playing with the food. Eat, babe." I told him.
"Y-yeah, kay." he answered monotonously, still not bringing anything to his mouth.
"Hello, boys!" Ray greeted us. "What's wrong with our little man here?"
"I'm not sure, he seems anxious. He won't stay quiet and is too distracted, he hasn't even tried his breakfast."
"Did he have his meds?" he questioned.
"Yeah, that he did, luckily. Hopefully he'll be better in an hour or so."
"Let's see..." Ray sat on the nearest chair and moved the hair out of Frank's eyes. "Do you feel fine, Frankie?"
"Uh...h-hi Ray. Y-yeah, fine." he spoke in a low voice, rubbing his face compulsively. It reminded me of how he was two months ago, which caused me sadness and guilt; maybe my own stress was getting to him. Ray's stare told me that he was thinking the same. He grabbed Frank's hand and kept it in between his until the boy stopped fighting to get it free.
"Ok. Now you need to eat your breakfast because you just took your meds, it's bad with an empty stomach. Want me or Gee to help you?"
"N-no. H-hands are n-not shaking now, s-see?" Frankie showed him. "I c-can."
"I see. Then start eating, your cereal is gonna get dizzy if you keep pushing it around like that!" Ray smiled. Frankie giggled and began to eat slowly.
"Thanks." I patted Ray's arm gratefully. "It seems Frankie doesn't want anything to do with me today."
"It's not that, Gee. He can feel that you're tense and worried, and since you two are so close it disturbs him too. Of course it'd be hard for you to help Frankie calm down if you can't do it with yourself."
"Guess you're right. I'll be better by the time I'm back from work, some distraction will do me good." I kissed Frank's head. "Bye pretty, we'll do something together later, ok?"
"Y-yeah. Th-that's good. And...and d-don't be sad, kay? L-love you." He hugged my neck and kissed my cheek before going back to his meal. Frank would always know how to make me feel better. He was really concerned about me, and that was another reason why I had to forget and let go of my revenge plans. He needed tranquility, and I couldn't ruin it for chasing a most probably lost cause. Ray was right, there was nothing I could do without putting us both in danger.
******
That day, although I cowardly decided to drive to the store, the paranoia continued. I couldn't help looking at the rearview mirror permanently, fearing someone might be following me. When nothing happened, I gradually began to feel more relaxed. During lunch break I had an idea to draw my and Frank's minds away from worries, so on my way back home I made a stop to get what I needed.
"A lawn mower? Since when are you into gardening?" Ray mocked me when he opened the door, after I let him know that I'd forgotten the keys.
"Since...today? I borrowed it from a neighbor. I need to mow the grass first if I wanna plant some flowers, don't I?" I grinned.
"F-flowers? Really? W-we're gonna buy f-flowers?" Frankie appeared with Puppy in his arms. He looked kinda tired, but his face lighted up when he heard me.
"Yes, we will! What were you doing, babe?" I pecked his lips, Puppy licking us both in the meantime. "What a jealous guy you are, doggie!"
"N-nothing." Frankie answered shortly. He left Puppy on the couch and squeezed me needy.
"Hey! What's wrong, love?"
"N-nothing." he repeated. I could see that he was still acting weird.
"He's not been very communicative today. He spent most of the time in the bedroom playing with Puppy and his...other friends." Ray got closer to me and whispered in my ear. "During one of the few times that he left that room, I'm pretty sure he was whispering to himself like he used to."
"Damn..." I was now wishing that Frank's behavior was just my fault and he'd be better once I stopped stressing about everything. I certainly didn't want to feel obliged to increase his medication.
"Wh-what you t-talking in s-secret? Th-that's bad!" Frank tugged at my shirt.
"We were talking about old men stuff, that's why you couldn't hear. It was very boring, anyway." Ray said.
"Ahh, k-kay then. C-can we go b-buy the flowers n-now?"
"First let me go change and mow the grass, then we'll go. It'll be quick, the front yard's not too big.
It took me less than ten minutes to find some old, comfortable clothes that I wouldn't mind getting green stains on. Satisfied with having found an extension for the machine's cord, I turned it on to execute my task. Honestly, Ray had a reason to laugh at me. Even while living with my parents -where we owned a huge garden- I hadn't taken care of the grass more than a couple of times; and never after I moved. My mom would come and do it once in a while when it'd get too overgrown. Not like it was such a difficult challenge, anyway; and thinking of how happy it would make Frank was the best incentive to help me get rid of my chronic laziness.
Frankie was sitting outside with Ray on the door's step. My friend was in no hurry to go home, so he'd decided to seize the opportunity and have some fun at my expense. As I started the lawn mower's motor, I found it kinda therapeutic. The noise invaded my brain and made it impossible for me to think of anything else. Just what I needed. Then another sound reached me, one that I couldn't figure out at first. I looked towards the house and saw that Frank was screaming, pulling at his hair and pushing Ray -who was trying to hold him- away. I turned the mower off and walked to them.
"What's wrong, Frankie? Baby...talk to me..."
"D-don't like, no. D-don't like." was all he said. I was thankful that he let me hold him.
"I think the noise scared him." Ray commented.
"Shit, I'm so stupid sometimes, I should have thought of that! Sorry, Frankie, I forgot that you don't like loud noises. Ray will stay with you inside until I'm done, ok? It'll be just for a few minutes, I promise."
"K-kay. I...I d-don't wanna h-hear it."
"I have a better idea. Why don't you and Frankie go buy the plants now? I'll mow the grass." Ray proposed.
"Y-yes! L-let's go now!"
"No, Ray...I feel like I'm abusing your kindness. You do a lot for us, man." I doubted.
"Oh, come on! It's a tiny yard and I love doing this, really!"
"Sure?"
"Go NOW!" he pushed us away.
Frankie didn't give me permission to go change again. I only managed to get some money while he was dragging me outside in my ugly green shorts. Before getting into the car, I instinctively casted a look around us. There was a black car parked at one corner that seemed to take off as soon as I glanced in its direction. I thought of going back and warning Ray just in case, but then I reconsidered it. I had to control my paranoia. There were hundreds of black cars, and I hadn't seen it well enough to tell if it was the same one that had followed me that morning. Besides, I couldn't even assure that I had been, in fact, followed.
We arrived at the nursery and garden supplies place and Frankie went straight to where all the flowery bushes were, touching and smelling them. I took his hand so he wouldn't escape anywhere.
"Frankie? Listen, baby. I don't have enough money for big plants, so we'll only buy some little ones with pretty flowers, ok?" I explained to not give him false expectations.
"It's f-fine, I l-like little plants with f-flowers too. B-but lemme s-see these?"
"Of course, you can see all you want. Just...don't touch them!" I stopped his hand. "Some of them have thorns, see? They could hurt you, so look without touching. "
"K-kayyy, grumpy! N-not touching!" he hid his hands behind his back and smirked.
We wandered around the place and Frankie observed every plant. He examined them at close range from every angle and smelled them all. At one point I wondered if he could still smell anything at all after inhaling so many different aromas. Finally, we sauntered towards the section where small plants were held. A vast, multicolored spot among the green.
"L-look! I w-want with f-flowers of all c-colors!" Frank jumped excited.
"Choose the ones you like and put them here." I pointed at a plastic basket I had picked up at the entrance.
"K-kay...I want m-many!"
He chose petunias, impatiens, daisies, gazanias and even some early purple pansies. We already had a rainbow inside our basket, but Frankie went for more.
"L-look, blue! I d-don't have blue y-yet!" he signaled to some lobelias. I left him to pick up the ones he wanted while I searched the near garden tools section for a scoop. I got distracted for some minutes until I suddenly felt Frankie cling to me from behind, hiding his face against my shirt.
"Oh...hi, there! You're done choosing?"
"N-no, but d-don't wanna go th-there." he mumbled upset.
"Why? What happened?"
"S-some boys were l-looking at me so I t-talked to them about th-he flowers."
"You wanted to make friends? That's good, Frankie!"
"Y-yes...no but...but th-they didn't answer and they l-laughed and...and one s-said 'I th-think the poor k-kid's retarded' and they l-left and d-didn't want to t-talk to me." he sniffed. "I...I'm n-not fucking r-retarded!"
"Of course not! Ignore those boys, they don't mean to be rude. Some people don't know how to talk to others who are different, that's all. If they tried, they'd see you can perfectly have an interesting conversation, they're the ones missing it! You have to keep trying, though; don't give up on talking to people, ok?"
"K-kay." he scratched his head nervously. Sometimes I hated people, but I knew there were many things I couldn't protect Frank from. He would have to endure situations like this for the rest of his life, and I didn't want him to become antisocial because of it.
"So, if the kids left...why don't you wanna go back?"
"D-dunno."
"Come on, let's go for the lobelias and then home." I grabbed his hand and guided him. "I don't think I can afford more plants now, we can come back in a couple of months for some winter ones."
"Y-yay, yes! Th-they'll have m-more pansies, then? W-we had a lot wh-where I lived when it was w-winter."
"Yep, I'm sure they'll have lots and of many more colors." I kissed his mouth. He looked so pretty that I couldn't help it. I didn't give a damn about the old ladies that huffed with disgust.
******
On our return, we found a neat but bare garden, waiting to be adorned with some touches of color. Ray was still there, watching TV and drinking a soda.
"Is everything alright here?" I asked my friend, who diverted his eyes from the screen to look at me.
"Does it look like something's wrong?" he frowned
"No, I just..."
"Everything's fine, Gerard. Give your mind a break, please!" he got up and, depositing the glass in my hand, headed for the door. "I'm leaving now. Enjoy the gardening, boys!"
"Thanks for everything, Toro!" I guessed that if he didn't leave, he'd end up kicking my ass.
"B-bye, Ray!" Frankie gave him a hug and followed him outside.
"Hey, hey, hey! You stay inside, mister!" I caught his arm.
"B-but we gotta g-go plant the f-flowers!"
"I know, let me go pee first and then we'll go."
"I'll w-wait outside."
"Nope, you can't be alone outside." I locked the door and took the keys with me.
"Aww m-meanie..." I heard him protest.
******
With the help of a shovel, I stirred the soil next to the house's walls, creating a grass-less strip. In the meantime, Frankie collected little stones in our backyard and brought them in a bucket. As I dug up an extra, circular space for planting in the middle of the garden, he bordered the first area with the rocks, making it look like a nice flowerbed. Then he did the same with the rounded zone in the center, greatly improving the garden's appearance. We finally sat on the ground surrounded by all the plants we'd bought.
"Ok, now you take this scoop and make a hole where you want a plant to go. It doesn't need to be too deep." I instructed him. He complied and began to dig, carelessly tossing the removed soil and covering us both in it.
"Eww, I think I have soil in my mouth!" I spat to my side. Frank turned to me, stared at my surely dirty face and burst into a fit of laughter. After all the stress we'd been through -even if indirectly in his case- Frank having a laugh attack was an amusing sight and the best sound I could have wished to hear. I thought back to my childhood, when my mom, my brother and I used to take care of the garden together. I remembered how I enjoyed it and how she would get angry when Mikey and I threw dirt at each other and made a mess. I had lost interest as I grew up, but now I was happy with this chance to do it again with Frankie. It was a pleasant activity to share, one of those that would somehow give you peace.
"Now tell me which flower you wanna put there and I'll take it out of the container." I told him once he stopped laughing. He took a time to think and then chose an impatiens with red flowers. I removed the flimsy plastic flowerpot -carefully to not break the compacted soil- and handed Frankie the plant.
"L-like this?" he placed it inside the hole.
"Perfect! You like it like that? You can turn it if you prefer a different side facing the front."
"N-nope, it...it's f-fine like that." he nodded."Wh-what now?
"Push the loose soil from around the plant towards it, so it fills the empty spaces. You could do it with the scoop, but I believe it's a lot better with your hands. It feels pretty good when you touch it." I showed him by doing it myself and he joined me right away, smiling from ear to ear as soon as his hands felt the humid material. "Now we apply a little pressure with our palms, like this."
As he pressed the ground, I covered his hands with mine. He turned round, neared his stained face and kissed my forehead, nose and mouth in a quick motion.
"Can you still see with these?" I laughed, snatching Frankie's smudgy glasses without waiting for an answer. I cleaned them with the inside of my t-shirt and gave them back to him.
"B-better!" he giggled. The moment was magical, special; and he looked radiant. I found myself pushing him down and we kissed for several seconds, lying on the grass. If I had been more conscious I'd have avoided that display, afraid of our neighbors seeing us. But Frankie's beauty and my love for him lost me, therefore it wasn't too soon before I thought about it.
"Alright, guess we should continue before night comes!" I suggested sitting up. No one seemed to be around.
"Y-yeah! W-wanna plant them all n-now!"
We followed the same work pattern with each of the small plants. Frankie made sure that the colors were well mixed, making the pansies the main attraction in the middle of each flowerbed. When it was done, we stood hand in hand at the entrance to admire the result. Even though it was already sunset and the sky was darkening, our garden seemed to have its own light. It shined, it gave me a warm feeling inside. Just like Frankie. The last step was to irrigate our new colorful friends, water droplets landing on our dirt-clad skin and creating mud.
There was no discussion about whether we needed a shower, the gardening was the perfect excuse to have an urgent one. There was no second intention behind it. In spite of what had happened the night before in the bathroom, I wasn't expecting anything. I just wanted to be with Frank, relax in his company, let the water wash away all worries together with the dirt.
"It's over, I have nothing to worry about." I told myself.
CHAPTER 40, part 1
Talk to me softly,
there's something in your eyes.
Don't hang your head in sorrow,
and please don't cry,
It had been two days since Frankie and I worked together to beautify our front garden. Two days that hadn't been exactly easy. I had tried to keep my cool and forget about my fears; but more often than I'd have liked my mind would go back to that mysterious call and that creepy, black car. As much as I wanted to hide it, I was still afraid
Frankie had been very affectionate and clingy, yet clearly unstable. Some old tics had come back, and he could hardly concentrate to read or even listen to us reading. Together with his new 'Martian vine', he was seeing his usual invisible friends more frequently; and although Ray and my mother didn't approve, I had chosen to let him play with them in peace. He seemed to be calmer and at ease while doing it. On the other hand, I did my best to spend the largest amount of time possible with him. Kissing him, caressing him, or sharing activities like watering our renewed garden or even watching TV and commenting about it.
Everybody had something to opine about what I should do with him, and I wasn't so sure anymore. Ray insisted that I needed to at least stop worrying and then both of us would feel better, but I could see that he was worried too. The previous day, he had given Frank a metallic tag with a string to put around his neck and have at hand in case of an emergency. It said 'Frankie' together with his pathology on one side and had Ray's phone number on the other. I agreed that the idea was good, but at the same time it proved that my friend was also considering the possibility of something bad occurring, even if we hadn't noticed anything else suspicious during those last days.
******
Frankie was on my lap, having breakfast. As long as I had enough time, I'd try not to leave until he finished, so we could have another meal together besides dinner. That morning, though, I had abandoned my own cup of cereal to help Frank with his. He appeared to be very absentminded since he woke up, and when we had finally gotten him to acknowledge the bowl in front of him his hands were shaking too much, which angered him. Before he could succeed at throwing everything off the table, I had sat him on my lap and convinced him to let me feed him.
"Last one!" I brought the spoon to his mouth while kissing his cheek. After swallowing, Frankie leaned against my chest whimpering and scratching at his arms.
"What's wrong, baby? You don't have to feel bad, you know I don't mind helping you. I enjoy it, actually. Shh...don't do that, look at me." I held his hands together and he raised his eyes.
"D-dunno." he murmured. Ray, who was sitting in front of us, just shook his head concernedly.
"You don't know what's wrong? Is that what you mean?" I asked Frank.
"Y-yeah. I...I'm...d-dunno." he frowned. He looked really confused.
"It's ok, I won't ask then. Take your pill now, I gotta go."
"K-kay." Frankie obediently did as I told him, as usual opening up his mouth afterwards for me too see there was nothing.
"Very well. Now...give me a big kiss to take so I won't miss you that much?" I encircled his waist.
"M-muah!" he voiced, kissing my lips eagerly. Then he stared at me with sadness on his face. "I...I d-don't want you to l-leave. P-please stay?"
"I can't stay, Frankie. We've talked about this, we need the money..."
"Th-then take m-me with you?"
"He'll take you some other day, Frankie." Ray told him. "You haven't been feeling too well lately, so you better stay here and rest."
"D-DON'T WANT TO! I'M F-FINE!" he screamed and pulled at the tablecloth, sending everything that was set on it to the floor. After that, he took off his glasses and threw them at Ray who caught them just in time. He finally stood up and stormed to the couch, diving onto it. He kicked, punched and hit his head while screaming out incomprehensible words. My head fell on the table and I started to cry, completely lost and desperate.
"It's...it's all my fault, Ray. He had a regression because of me, I did that to him. You know I did."
"It's not your fault, Gerard, your intentions were good. You just didn't think of the consequences. Now, of course, you can't help being nervous and scared. And I know you hate to talk about it, but I don't think the way Frank's been acting is just because you transferred your nerves to him..." Ray held me.
"I don't know Ray, I don't know what's the best thing to do."
"For now you just go to work. I'll clean this and..."
"But Frankie? He is..." I looked at my boy who was red faced and crying, discharging all his rage, frustration and confusion on a piece of furniture.
"Frankie will be fine, it could be worse if we tried to near him now. He won't hurt himself there. In a moment he'll be tired and probably fall asleep. You go, we'll talk when you get back." Ray handed me a tissue.
"Thanks." I grabbed my things and walked to the door, giving Frankie -who was still throwing a tantrum- a last look. Maybe Ray and my mother were right, again.
"I love you, babe." I said aloud before parting.
******
I was giving a customer some advice about oil painting when the mobile over the door tinkled, signaling that more people had arrived. I didn't have a good view of the entrance from where I was, but I saw Sarah leave her place behind the counter to greet the new comers, so I went back to what I was doing.
"Linseed oil is the most used, but then you..."
"Gerard?" I was interrupted by my boss.
"Yeah?"
"I'll help this lady here, you have visits." Sarah smiled.
I headed towards the front of the place and there stood Ray with his arms around a very untidy Frank. The boy's hair was messier than ever, his clothes were wrinkled and stretched and his eyes were red and puffy. However, he smiled as widely as always and ran to my arms when he saw me.
"Oh, Frankie...what happened?" I mostly asked Ray, embracing Frank and kissing his head.
"I had to bring him. He wouldn't stop crying and screaming every time I tried to get close to him. He didn't want to eat or do anything at all, just stayed there lost in his own world. Only when I suggested coming here he reacted well, so...here we are. I didn't want to stress him any more." Ray sighted.
"N-needed you." Frank rasped.
"It's fine, you did well." I smiled sadly. I sat Frank on the counter, trying to fix his hair a little. When I could see his face better, I noticed he had a lot of scratches.
"He did that to himself, I couldn't stop him. I tried to get his nails cut but he wouldn't let me." Ray explained, realising what I was looking at. "Oh, and I bought him a sandwich on our way here, maybe he'll eat it now."
"D-didn't do an-anything. Th-the...the l-little people h-hurt me." Frank touched his face. "T-told them to f-fuck off 'cause...'cause I w-was angry. Th-they made me ug-ugly now."
"No, they didn't. You're still pretty, and you did this with your own nails, it wasn't the little people. They're not real, remember? They can't hurt you." I told him while I unpacked the sandwich, offering it to him. He took it without paying attention. Sarah, who had been close for the last couple of minutes, disappeared through the side door.
"W-well...they h-hurt me the same!" Frank insisted.
"Ok, but now eat this. I'll find you something to drink."
"K-kay. B-but...but they d-did it!"
"You, mini-man, eat that. I'll take care of the rest in the meantime." Sarah came back carrying a first aid kit and little scissors. "First of all, keep the sandwich in one hand and give me the other."
"N-no, Gee s-says can't touch s-scissors! T-told him nothing can h-happen but same, h-he doesn't let m-me."
"Gerard's right, and you won't touch them, I will." Sarah laughed. "I'm just going to cut your nails, that's all. It won't hurt, I promise, I'm an expert."
"K-kay. B-but see what the l-little people did to m-me? Th-they'll do the s-same to you if it h-hurts!" Frankie menaced.
"Deal." the woman assented. She seemed to be a real expert as she'd said, because Frankie continued to eat his sandwich and never complained. He even offered her his other hand without being asked as soon as Sarah finished with the first one.
"That's not fair." Ray whispered to me. "He almost sent me flying through a window when I attempted to do the same!"
"Oh...wow. Maybe Sarah reminds him of Grace and that's why she calms him down?" I guessed.
"Yeah, could be."
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