"Hello?" I said timidly, expecting her to call me every existing insult.
"Gerard..." surprisingly, she didn't sound mad.
"I...I don't know what to say, I swear..."
"Look...I know Frankie, I can tell when he's lying or hiding something. He's a bad liar and rarely even tries. As you must have imagined, I asked him lots of questions; and I believed him, I know he answered them all with the truth. Let's say that you passed the test... for now. And...you have extra points in your favor because of the way you've helped Frankie and how you talk about him. However...I'll be calling Frank often to check on him, so you better behave because if you fuck up...I'll know it. Now let me hear your version." she sounded firm, but still amazingly kind.
I poured all my feelings for Frankie into the phone and answered all her questions; even some that were rather intimate and made me feel embarrassed. Anything to leave her satisfied and put her mind at ease. I seemed to have achieved it since she wasn't bitching at me.
"Could you tell me something else about what happened with that boy John?" I asked her, motioning for Ray to entertain Frankie.
"Ok. It wasn't too long ago, almost three months before Frankie left. John's two years younger than Frank, and they were in the same room. That boy had been in the institution for two years when the...incident with Frankie occurred. When he arrived, his family had just found him after six months of being missing from home. Someone had spotted him walking around aimlessly. His case was very similar to autism, though he hadn't presented any symptom before. He wouldn't speak or pay much attention to anything or anyone and he didn't like people touching him. No one knew what had happened to him in the street or where he'd been, we still don't know for sure. Frankie started to get close and talk to him, and John for some unknown reason trusted Frank. The director saw their friendship as a good thing for John's recovery, so he moved him to Frank's room. Soon John was speaking to Frankie, and then he began to communicate with us too. One day, during dinner, John declared that Frankie was his boyfriend. As you must have noticed, Frankie has seen many love movies, so he was extremely happy to hear that. I don't think he really 'loved' John -like I can feel he loves you- but it was exciting for him to have a boyfriend. We didn't think anything bad of it, it was like a childish game. John still wouldn't let Frank touch him, neither would he touch Frank and they'd never kiss. The only 'boyfriend thing' about them was the word itself, like kindergarten kids or even less. Frankie felt a little frustrated by that, because he'd dreamed of doing romantic things with John, but he had a lot of patience and accepted him the same."
"Frankie said that the first time they...you know, did it, no one found out." I hesitated, permanently afraid of offending her.
"No, we didn't. Later on I thought back and realised that Frank had acted a little weird for some days at the time, but with kids with his problems you don't suspect...they're always very changing. One day, I went to their room and heard Frankie screaming at John to stop, that he didn't want to. I entered and they were both naked, John on top of Frankie. I sent John outside and had a talk with Frank. It was then when he told me they'd already had sex once. I swear we had never imagined that John could be capable of that...many of us still blame ourselves for it. Luckily, Frankie didn't completely understand. I mean, he knows what they did, but not that in most cases that's considered rape. I think it's better for him."
"Yeah..." I flinched imagining the scene. "No one has ever had a conversation about sex with Frankie?"
"Yes, many times, but he doesn't always pay attention or understand everything. He also tends to forget some things. And you know how he doesn't recognize danger? Maybe that counts for those cases too, I'm not sure. We had told Frank what making love was, and that he shouldn't do it if he didn't want to; but I guess John said the right words to convince him. It's really easy to do that with Frank, sadly. That's why I'm being so insistent with you."
"What happened to John?" I deliberately ignored her last line, I was too nervous and also sad with the talk about Frank's past.
"Nothing, he's a minor and mentally unstable... so he was just changed to a different area. He always asks for Frank and doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong. After that...I chose to tell Frank to not let anyone do that to him again, because I thought it would be safer than a new explanation."
"I understand, really. I think you did well, all the more in a place like that when one can't totally control what happens." I agreed. "And please don't worry, I'd never hurt Frankie in any way, I truly love him."
"I know." she said. "Thanks, Gerard. Thank you very much for everything."
"Thank you for protecting him all those years like a mother would. Now I know why Frankie loves you so much and always talks about you. I'll let you speak to him until you have to go back to work. Bye Grace, please to meet you!"
"Ok! Oh but first, please write down this number."
"Whose number?"
"Remember the judge I told you about?"
"Yes..."
"Well, you should call him, mentioning me. Maybe he'd found something, but he had no way to get in touch with me and I never called him again. His name is Alexander Hawkins...and Frank's grandmother's was Alice Caravaggio. Got it? Ok...now the phone number..."
"Yes, tell me."I wrote everything down, adding Grace's whole name too before I forgot it.
"Thanks, Grace! I'll let you know what he said next time you call."
"Bye, Gerard...and please to meet you too!" she expressed. I gave the phone back to Frankie and went to join Ray, allowing them some privacy. I was calmer now.
While in the kitchen, I felt something tugging at my pants.
"Hey, Puppy! What are you doing, buddy? Want some milk? Yes, you do...oh, with cookies in it? Uh...ok, but just for today!" I talked to the small dog. He was sitting in front of me, wiggling his tail and staring with shiny eyes. I somehow interpreted that look as a 'cookie look'. Grabbing a plate, I poured some milk and broke three cookies into little pieces. Puppy waited impatiently; wet, pink tongue sticking out of his mouth.
"Here you are...easy, boy!" I advised. He attacked his meal, splattering loudly. Behind that noise, I distinguished Frankie's laughter.
I was unsure of how much things would change now that Grace knew about Frank and me. Would she really call often and interrogate Frank? Would Frank tell her everything we might do? How would she react if we went farther? Would she accept it as long as Frank was fine?
My only certainty was that I didn't regret contacting her. I had understood that Grace was the mother that Linda had never wanted to be for Frank; they needed each other. It was a pity that we lived so far away, but at least they had the phone.
I was washing Puppy's plate when Frank tapped me on the shoulder.
"Oh, you scared me! I didn't hear you enter..."
"I...I'm m-mysterious!" he giggled.
"Yep, you definitely are. Did you want something?"
"G-grace told me to g-give you a m-message."
"What is it?" I asked.
" W-watch out, I'll k-know it all. "
CHAPTER 35
We got something to believe in
even if we don't know where we stand.
Only God would know the reasons
but I bet he must have had a plan...
Sarah had a sudden family obligation to attend that day. She closed the store earlier and told us all that we could leave. I wasn't expected home for two more hours, so I decided to go somewhere else. Of course it wasn't that I didn't want to go home. Each day while working all I would long for was the moment when I'd be back to Frankie. I loved to be welcomed by him; see his smile, feel his hugs, taste his kisses. But I was conscious of how long I'd gone without some time for myself, and I knew it was necessary. Some hours on my own to think without distractions, to listen to my own thoughts and see where I was standing.
I walked slowly, enjoying the sun on my face instead of trying to hide from it. With fall being still a month away, the air was humid and warm. I wasn't used to being out at that hour, when the day was so clear that you needed to squint; when everybody was -same as I would be in any normal day- working or just escaping the summer heat. There were no rushed cars or pedestrians in sight. It was an enjoyable view and the town offered that needed silence.
I made a recount of the past days and of how much more I had learned about Frank. It'd been strange. I gave myself permission to doubt and be scared, since there was no one there to act strong for. I was still decided to go on with my investigation, but I couldn't deny my fear; it existed and had become stronger.
Quickly, I shook my head to push the fear aside. My dad had once told me: 'When you dedicate too much time to think about your fears, is when they win you over.' It was true.
I realised that my feet were leading me to a familiar part of town. It was the path I'd take every day until two months before. Spotting the Comic Shop, I thought of paying Bob a visit.
I froze as I contemplated the entrance, taking notice of the important connection that place held with the life I had left behind. A big part of what had affected me and shaped me along those last years of my life was related to this building or its people.
It had been around the time when I was hired that I met Gabriel. Many times he'd come pick me up, making sure that it wouldn't look suspicious. He was always so careful, too careful. Exaggeratedly concerned about what people could think.
It was when my relationship with Gabriel ended that I met Bob, who was the new employee. I helped him get used to the job and he'd hear me rant about my broken heart; never mentioning names or gender, most probably a matter of habit and not of shame. I had gotten accustomed to being discreet by Gabriel's request.
Then came the afternoon or nightly escapades to the bar, in which Bob would only drink to reach a 'happy state' while I would try to get wasted enough to stop thinking.
My brother and Ray knew something was wrong, though I had only told Ray about Gabriel. I swore that everything was alright and I just needed some time to get on my feet. I kept avoiding them. They knew me too well and if I was often around them they'd eventually find out.
It was at that same comic shop that I met someone else and it again, didn't work.
Maybe there was something wrong with that place. Maybe I was bound to leave and only then find my real path in life. I wouldn't pay attention to those kind of things at that time, but lately I had learned to believe in fate; even trust it.
I bravely entered the shop, casting a nervous look around the place. Bob was behind the counter typing something into the old computer. It was really, really old, yet it sufficed for what it was needed. Before I could say hello to him, my old boss appeared. He glared at me, wanting to set the fact that I wasn't welcomed. As if I needed more proof.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. Bob looked up from his task and waved.
"Just visiting my friend. Don't worry, I won't stay much." I replied just as bitterly. I hated rancorous people. The man turned his back on me and walked away.
"Isn't he ever going to forgive me? I'm not fucking asking him to hire me again, just to stop looking at me like I'm the worst piece of shit!" I leaned on the counter. Bob only laughed at that, going through the pages of an old Superman issue. He was a superhero-freak, no surprise he loved to call himself 'Super Bob'. "It's not funny, Bob."
"Yes it is...or it was. " he snickered. I knew what he was talking about, and that is why I was so annoyed.
"No, the way I lost my job wasn't funny either."
"Oh, come on! It so was!" he insisted. I was not amused in the slightest. Bob finally got it and sobered up.
"Ok, ok. Maybe it wasn't funny at the moment. But now you have a new job and a new life, so it doesn't affect you. Have that in mind and think about it again..." he teased.
I did. I let the person I now was rethink and reconsider that past situation. Two months later and from my brand new point of view it was, definitely, funny.
"You're right." I nodded, smiling.
" That is what I wanted to hear!" Bob pointed at me and then got lost in thought, chuckling again. "Oh my...you just had to puke all over the pile of new comics when the boss came to talk to you!"
"I couldn't have chosen when to do it. I felt like shit, man!" I laughed now, as if the experience wasn't mine anymore.
"Well, I would have felt like shit too...anyone would! Who drinks so much whiskey at 10 in the morning? I still remember when you entered the shop, you could barely walk." Bob recalled. I remembered too, and it all replayed in my head as I sat on the floor.
The night before I was fired, I had broken up with Laura. Laura, who I had met in that same comic shop almost three months earlier. At that point in my life, I was sure that I wasn't interested in girls. However, my first serious experience with a boy had gone so wrong, that I was determined to neglect my own feelings and give a girl a try. Perhaps it would mean less problems, there would be nothing to hide. I honestly didn't understand what was the point in hiding who you liked and I didn't need to; but I knew that not everybody was prepared to share their sexuality with the world.
Laura was a nice, pretty girl with dark blond hair and gray eyes. Very smart, too. She used to visit the shop to buy some comics for her little brother. Bob had noticed her looking at me -so he told me- and he was the one who closed the gap in between us and encouraged us to talk. Soon after that we started dating. I slowed down on my drinking, having someone to distract me from my dark thoughts and Gabriel's memory.
My friends and family had loved her as soon as they met her. They were so happy for me, thinking that she'd be the love of my life, that I ended up feeling guilty. Sometimes I would feel like I was using Laura for a trial, an experiment; just because I was afraid of being alone again. In my own way I did love her. Laura was excellent company and we got along very well...as friends.
As weeks passed by she wanted more. She didn't ask for anything unusual, just the normal things any couple would do once they got to know each other enough. But I couldn't go past the stage of kisses and caresses. In Frank's case I had chosen not to go farther. I wanted to wait until he was ready and I didn't feel the necessity to do anything else. With Laura I just couldn't, the desire wasn't there, I didn't feel sexually attracted to her. I had noticed that she was feeling rejected. She was beginning to think she'd done something wrong or that she wasn't attractive enough.
One night, I drank some beers with Bob to gave myself courage and went to pick her up. We spent the night out and wound up having sex. I had never felt so weird and out of place in my life. Embarrassing and low as it might sound, I'd resorted to think of Gabriel to get turned on. Still, it hadn't been the same. I had done my best to hide all the negative feelings and not let my face give them away. I'd concentrated on not moaning the wrong name -a cliche I was afraid of- and mostly tried to forget the fact that it was my first time.
Gabriel and I had made love several times, but I had always been the passive one. I liked it, and I had made myself believe that we always did it that way because it's how we both liked it most. The truth was -and now with the memory gone cold I could admit it- that Gabriel had never wanted us to try it the other way round; even if I had proposed it. To him, it would have meant graduating as a fag. That was something my ex had always been very afraid -and ashamed- of.
Laura hadn't noticed my pondering or if she had, she hadn't let me know. Nevertheless I felt very uncomfortable after that night. I had started to drink more again, visiting bars almost every night. I was never in the mood to go out with Laura, yet I'd never be mean to her. All the contrary, I would always look for a polite way to reject her invitations, find the perfect excuse so she wouldn't know the truth.
She put up with me for one more month, maybe even longer. She had assumed that I was depressed and needed support. Finally, we took conscience that things weren't working. I knew that I would only hurt her if we persisted and it wasn't fair to her. We resolved, by mutual agreement, to break up.
As soon as my friends and family found out -or better said after I commented about it to Mikey and he told everybody- the phone calls started; all of them blaming me and asking what I'd done to her. That's why I left my phone home and spent the whole night drinking.
The following morning I only went home to take a shower and then headed for work. I hadn't walked more than a couple of blocks when the gloomy sensation returned. I didn't give a fuck about anything. I felt like I had fucked up my opportunity to have a normal life. I entered a bar, drank two bottles of whiskey and then went on my way.
******
Now with my mind back in the present, I looked at Bob who had stayed in silence, respecting mine.
"I was really... really fucked up." I answered at last, remembering my poor state when I crossed the shop's door that dreadful morning.
"Oh, yes you were! I made you sit down right away so the boss wouldn't notice." he threw in. "A new shipment had arrived and we took advantage of that. We were supposed to separate all the magazines to then place them on the shelves, so that explained us being on the floor."
"Dunno. I had no idea what I was doing, I'd never been so drunk in my life -I guess because I hadn't given myself the chance to recover from the previous night. Then I suddenly felt sick, too sick. I didn't have time to tell you anything or try to get up or move because...I wasn't able to. A minute later I was feeling a lot better, but the pile of comics in front of me was bathed in vomit and reeking. I raised my eyes and there was Richard, looking at me disgusted." I related the episode.
"And you made it worse when you tried to speak and only managed to slur 'Sooowy, boss...maywe I can wash them?' That was...classic!" he was laughing hysterically and I couldn't help but join him. It was the first time I had allowed myself to talk about it; and now that it was history I found it just hilarious.
"What the fuck are you doing? Even without working here you cause me trouble, Gerard?" Richard asked gravely. Bob and I shut up, trying to keep a straight face but failing.
"Sorry, we were just talking and suddenly remembered something funny. I'm leaving now!" I told him half giggling.
"Ok..." he disappeared again.
"Oh, Gerard...wanna go for a drink? You can have a soda." Bob invited. I meditated my answer.
"I think a glass of beer won't kill me." I replied convinced.
We went for it and I kept my promise, drinking only one glass. I had this idea that giving myself permission to drink some beer once in a while helped keep my yearning for something stronger under control. On the other hand I knew that I was playing with fire. When I was leaving, chewing on a mint gum to get rid of the alcohol smell, Bob stopped me.
"I have nothing to do this Sunday. Wanna go to the Zoo with Frankie?"
"Yeah, let's do it! Maybe I'll tell Ray too, he deserves some fun."
"Ok, I'll call you to set up the hour, ok?"
"Ok! Bye Bob!"
******
At home, I found Ray cleaning the couch. Frankie wasn't there, only Puppy ran to me barking happily.
"What happened there? Was it you, Puppy? Don't tell me you peed on the couch!" I talked to the dog, picking him up. He licked my face and made that grimace that was so close to a smile.
"No...it wasn't Puppy, it was Frankie." Ray replied, sounding worried. I was intrigued now. It wasn't the first time Frank had mistaken something for the bathroom. He had never mistaken it for the couch until then, but it wasn't something to worry about. We were used to it.
"Wrong place again?"
"No...he peed on himself while sleeping. He looked distressed, like he was having a nightmare. I went to see if he was fine and he had awakened. When he realised what had happened, he ran to the bedroom and closed the door." Ray informed me. Now I knew the reason for his face, that had never happened before.
"Are you sure Frank's fine?"
"Yes...well, at least he was calm. I didn't dare enter, I was afraid he'd get nervous. I spied through the door lock and he had changed his pants and was curled up on the bed."
I entered the room, trying not to make much noise. When Frank saw me his eyes went big with fear. He plunged to the floor, grabbed the wet clothes and hid under the bed. I lied down on my stomach to be able to look at him.
"Frankie, why are you hiding, baby? I've missed you, come give me a hug?"
"N-no..."
"Why?"
"'C-cause you...m-maybe you'll be m-mad and h-hit me." he whispered.
"What? Do you hear what you're saying, Frankie? I won't hit you! I've never done it and I never will! Why would I?"
"I...I p-peed on the c-couch...d-dunno why, I was s-sleeping. And h-he...he'd h-hit me when I did that on th-the bed...." Frankie sobbed over his crossed arms.
"I know, you told me. But I'm not him, babe. Is that what you dreamed of? With that man?"
"N-no...but he d-did that. I d-dreamed other things, w-was in the o-other place, was ol-older."
I took him by the elbows and pulled him out, sitting him on my lap. He tried to get away, but I didn't let him. "Shh...I'm not angry at all, you don't have anything to fear. Tell me what you dreamed, it'll make you feel better."
"K-kay..." he relaxed and hugged my neck, kissing my lips very lightly. Then he stayed quiet, staring at me. He didn't have his glasses on and when I looked into his eyes I saw love, but also hurt. "Th-they were h-holding me, three of th-them so I c-couldn't escape or k-kick them. I s-screamed but G-grace didn't hear m-me. And...and it h-hurt! Th-they were g-grabbing me too h-hard and it hurt, my w-wrists and feet. An-and one had a h-huge sy...syr..."
"Syringe?" I guessed.
"Y-yeah, that. And I c-couldn't do anything and h-he gave me the sh-shot and it h-hurt so much and...then they t-took me to that r-room again. Th-the one that's all l-like...like a biiiig m-mattress. I d-didn't want to be al-alone there. W-wanted out. I f-felt so dizzy and c-could not walk. I w-wasn't bad, really! I...I was on-only crying 'cause c-couldn't find G-Grace! Th-then I screamed a l-lot and I think I f-fell asleep and then I w-was in my bed." he described his dream which was evidently about memories from when he was in the institution. They had probably come back to him after talking to Grace. Only one thing left me thinking: Grace had told me that Frankie was in isolation only once. However, Frankie had just said 'again'.
"Frankie, you had been in that room before, hadn't you? The one that looked like a mattress?" "Y-yeah, once."
"And that second time that you dreamed of, it happened too? In real life?"
"Th-think it did. Y-yeah...I'm s-sure." he nodded, a single tear rolling down his cheek.
"Grace never knew about it?"
"Th-they told me not to t-tell her or they'd use a b-bigger needle next t-time." he confirmed. Not even expensive private places were free of assholes.
"And did they ever take you there again?" I questioned, concerned.
"N-no, 'cause G-Grace was th-there and never let th-them." I was glad to hear that answer.
"You know what? Now we're gonna forget about all those bad things and you'll also forget about the little accident you had today. No one's angry. I already forgot and Ray already forgot!"
"K-kay, I'll f-forget."
"And...I love you so much and I'm so proud of the good, sweet, smart boy you are, that I have a surprise for you." I announced.
"T-tell me! T-tell me tell me t-tell me! N-no surprise, w-wanna know now!" he grasped my t-shirt and shook me.
"Ok! But you'll have to wait until Sunday, anyway. You, Bob, Ray -if he accepts- and I are gonna go to the Zoo!"
"Y-YES! L-LOVE YOU!" he kissed me deeply and feelingly, our tongues playing for a while and acting like the best distraction. Another one of those times when we'd have two very contrasting situations in a row. For anyone else, something extremely odd. For me, the most normal thing in the world.
As if having been spring-propelled, Frankie got up and ran out of the room. I followed and found him talking to Ray excitingly with rapid hand movements.
"W-we're going to the Z-zoo on S-Sunday! S-say you'll c-come with us! P-pleaseee. P-please please p-please come!"
"Uh...I guess I can't say no, can I?" Ray looked at me laughing.
"N-nope you c-can't. 'C-cause if you s-say no...the ar-army of little p-people will kick your a-ass. D-don't care if you d-don't see them, they'll k-kick you the s-same!" Frankie menaced.
"Then more than ever! I say yes, I'm going!"
*********
When I opened the door for Bob that Sunday morning, I noticed that something was different, though I couldn't put a finger on what. Frankie and I had stayed up watching movies until really late the night before, so I wasn't with all my senses on. As Bob stepped in, I stared at him numbly. He smirked, clearly enjoying my confusion.
"B-Bob! You sh-shaved!" Frankie screamed from behind me. So that was it.
"It's true! How come I couldn't figure out what was different about you?" I scratched my head.
"Maybe if you tried fully opening your eyes, sleepy head?" he patted my back and went to hug Frankie, lifting him and making him stand over the coffee table.
"Wh-what..?"
"Now you can appreciate me better. What do you think, kid?" he interrogated him. Frankie adjusted his glasses with an intellectual gesture and studied Bob's face from every angle.
"Uh...you l-look...weird..."
"That for sure!" I interrupted.
"Shh...he's the expert here!" Bob shushed me. "Ignore your boyfriend and continue, Frankie boy."
"W-weird but...b-but good, and your f-face's soft now." he touched Bob's chin. "Y-you look y-young!"
"Hey! I look young because I am young! I'm only 2 years older than you!"
"H-how old?"
"Fraaankie..." I pinched his belly, making him giggle. "He just told you. Don't be lazy, it's no huge calculation!"
"Mmm...y-you're...20! R-right, Bob?"
"Yep."
"Oh! I th-thought you were old l-like Gee!"
"What? You think I'm an old man, baby?" I simulated annoyance.
"Y-yesss! Y-you and Ray are o-old. " he doubled over with laughter and almost fell from the table, but Bob caught him. "S-super Bob saved m-me!" he continued laughing.
"Did I hear someone calling me old?" Ray, who had been drinking coffee in the kitchen, appeared.
"Y-yes! O-old uncle Ray! And...and p-papa Gee!" he was on the floor now, having a serious laugh attack. I picked him up and sat down with him on my lap.
"Oh, yeah? I'm your papa now? Too old to be your boyfriend?" I joked. He suddenly stopped laughing and looked up at me, catching up his breath.
"N-no, it was a j-joke! Y-you're not t-too old for th-that! It...it's on-only..." he put his open hand in front of his face and touched each finger while murmuring, "N-nineteen...t-twenty...twenty one...t-twenty two...twenty th-three. Th-that's...five! On-only 5 years, so n-not much. N-nope."
"You're not gonna change me for a younger boy, then?"
"N-NO! NEVER!" he shouted.
"Uff! I was scared for a while! Then I guess I can do this..." placing my hand on his neck to support his head, I laid him back a little, kissing him passionately in a Hollywood-style. He followed the scene perfectly, his hands over my shoulders as he responded to my actions with equal intensity. Our two friends completed the moment adding the soundtrack, only that instead of a love song it was a duet of 'awwws'. We broke the kiss and with a quick move, I brought Frankie to a sat up position, his long entangled hair flying around and falling on his face.
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