We were on the floor, my back leaning on the couch and Frank reclined against my chest. I knew he adored conversing with me about his things and certainly enjoyed when people paid attention to him. He had once told me that not many did at the institution, because they said he took too long to speak and it bored them. I had never found the way Frank spoke boring or annoying, and he luckily didn't have any complex about it.
"Th-they're this t-tall." he showed me with his index and thumb. "And...m-most of times...th-they dress normally. L-like...jeans and sh-shirts. B-but sometimes, if th-they get an-angry they d-dress like...l-like...fuck, h-how's the word? S-solders?"
"You mean soldiers?" I reached for a magazine where I remembered to have seen a certain pic. "Like this?"
"Y-yeah!" he nodded.
"Then it's soldier, yes. They were dressed like that now? I heard they wanted to attack somebody..."
"Uh...y-yes. T-told them they c-can't." he looked up biting his bottom lip.
"Who do they want to attack?"
"M-mikey." he murmured. "Th-they're angry 'c-cause he made you s-sad."
"He didn't make me sad! We had a little discussion, but everything's fine now. Tell your army that they don't have to attack." I reassured him. He tended to transfer some of his insecurities and worries to his hallucinations.
"S-sure?"
"Yep. Anyway, how do they attack?"
"Th-they have s-swords. B-but they're so l-little that if they p-pinch you, it...it's like b-big mos-quitos. On-only that it b-bleeds! Th-they like to kick asses m-more, but th-they're too small so they c-can't reach as-asses and have to c-climb people." he expose enthusiastically, moving his hands around a lot to emphasize his words.
"Oh, that must be something funny to see!" I laughed.
"Y-yes, it is!"
"You know? I bought you a present!" I announced. He quickly got to his feet and his eyes opened huge as plates.
"Sh-show me!"
"It's hidden here." I retrieved a large hard covered book from below the couch's cushion. "Tell me if you like it."
He took it from my hands, placed it on the table and touched the cover with a giant grin on his lips. When he opened it, I would have sworn the grin reached his ears. "W-wow, animals! L-love it!" he applauded. It was an encyclopedia for kids. It had lots of big, detailed pictures and simple facts and information on each animal. I thought that to start with, it'd be better for him to practice reading and comprehension with a subject that he was passionate and knew something about already.
"Yeah?"
"Th-thanks Gee!" he hugged me and kissed my cheek so hard that it hurt.
"Glad you like it, baby. Don't read it all at once, so we can use it to practice as the doctor suggested."
"B-but we can p-practice now!"
"Oh, if you want to, of course! Then choose an animal and read what it says. Don't rush, take your time time because then you'll have to tell me. Do you understand?"
"Y-yeah!" he searched through the pages back and forth several times until he finally chose the dolphin. I waited patiently, admiring how pretty he looked concentrating on his reading, frowning now and then.
"R-ready!" he declared fifteen minutes later. Even though there wasn't much to read, I still thought it might be a little soon.
"Ok, what did you learn about the dolphin? You don't need to use the words from the book, tell me with your own."
"D-dolphins are..." he doubted, scratching his head. "I...I c-can't. D-don't know, don't r-remember. Gu-guess I'm r-retarded like people s-say." he pouted.
"Oh no, Frankie! Never say that word again! You're not! Some things are a little more difficult for you, it's all. That's why you need to practice. This is the first time, so it's ok. It's totally normal." I smiled to him.
"K-kay."
"Read it again but...read each sentence many times, slowly, until you're sure that you understood what it says. Only then go to the next one. And if you don't understand some word you ask me, ok? It doesn't matter if you can't remember everything, we're just starting, even if it's just some little facts it'll be fine."
"Y-yes, kay."
While Frankie went back to his task, I entertained myself with a music magazine. Less then five minutes had passed when the bell rang.
"Mom...what are you doing here?" I was surprised to see her at the door. It was almost night and she had to work.
"I came for Frankie." she scarcely answered.
"What the fuck...?"
"D-donna!" the boy ran to her and was welcomed by motherly arms and tender kisses.
"Hi, pretty! I came to take you home with me." mom informed him. What had she meant? Something about the way she acted was odd, it didn't give me a good feeling.
"Yay! G-gee, we're g-going to her h-house!" Frank celebrated. "W-we're gonna go in the t-train?"
"Yes, Frankie, we'll go by train. But Gerard's not coming, only you and me. You're gonna stay with me for some time."
"What are you talking about, mom?" I didn't understand anything.
"N-NO! I w-wanna go with G-gee! N-no...why? D-don't want to, th-then!" Frankie cried out.
"Mom...please tell me what this is about..."
"It's better for him, Gerard." she replied, going straight to our room. I followed as she picked up Frank's backpack and began to stuff it with clothes.
"STOP AND FUCKING TALK TO ME!" I snatched it from her hands and threw it towards the other side of the room. "Mikey told you, didn't he? That bastard had to tell you and he surely gave you his own mental version of it!"
She calmly went for the discharged bag and continued to fill it while she responded. I couldn't stand her serenity, I felt like I was being part of a big, cruel prank.
"No, he didn't. I accidentally heard him talking about it with Alicia, they didn't know I was home. Of course then I asked him and yes, he had to tell me."
"And your mind is as dirty as his? Do you also think I'm a monster?" I spat, trying not to scream. Frankie stood by the door, watching us and crying in silence. His expression was one of total commotion, inner turmoil awaiting to be released. My mother sighed and finally looked at me.
"No, son, don't get me wrong. I know you, I'm your mother. I'm sure there's no bad intention and you'd never force Frankie to do anything..."
"Then why...?"
"I still think you two having some kind of...relationship like this will not help Frankie. It'll confuse him even more." she spoke as low as possible."Of course he feels things, he's 18 after all. But he can't fully understand them. So at least until he's a little more stable, I think it'll be better if he doesn't live with you."
"N-NO! Nonononononono...p-please wanna be with G-gee! H-he takes c-care of me and l-loves me, D-donna please!" Frankie pleaded on his knees, clutching her long skirt.
"I'll take care of you too, and you'll be able to see Gerard some days, I promise."
"N-NO BUT...N-NO! AL-ALWAYS!"
"Mom, you're crazy. You work, you can't even watch him all the time!" I tried to get to her from another perspective.
"Alicia can help me, and also a friend from the hospital that has a different schedule." she solved my doubt without hesitating.
"But Mikey doesn't..."
"Mikey will have to accept it, I don't care." she cut me off.
"Mom please, don't do this. We're fine here, he's doing fine!" I chased her to the kitchen where she grabbed Frank's pills.
My mother stopped and put a hand on my shoulder, staring into my eyes. She didn't seem angry, just deeply concerned. I felt like dying, she was about to take my life away from me. My heart was breaking and so was Frank's, I knew it. He clung to me and we cried together, helpless and hopeless.
"Gerard, don't make this any harder, it's worse for Frankie. He'll be ok, I won't hide him from you!" she caressed my hair.
"Please...p-please no...I need him, he n-needs me..." I sobbed.
"Maybe some time in the future. I don't think anything bad of you son, I swear. I love you. I might even reconsider it, but right now this is the best thing to do. Don't fight, please."
"Ok...d-don't forget the book I bought him." I muttered defeated. Fighting would only make the situation more stressing for the boy. "Frankie baby...go with her, she'll be very good to you and will cook all your favorite meals. I'll see you very very soon, don't be afraid. We'll be together again..." I kissed his lips one last time. My mother didn't say a word about it.
Tears kept falling from Frank's eyes, fogging his glasses. His look was blank, as if someone had taken away his soul. He didn't seem to register anything; he was deaf, mute, gone. My mom took him by the hand and he walked behind dragging his feet like a zombie. Same as Frankie I didn't see anything more, didn't hear anything more.
Two hours later I was still lying on the floor, in the dark, with no more tears to cry and no more brains to think. Like Frankie had done earlier -only this was my own decision- I left my house like a living dead. Only God knows how I wasn't killed by a car. I couldn't see where I was going, my legs had a life of their own. All my senses were numb.
The next thing I registered, I was back at home with two bottles of whiskey and no reason to stop me from drinking them. I was alone, I was useless, I was meaningless.
Nights get longer and colder,
I'm down and begging to hold ya.
On my own and I feel like
hell is living without you.
CHAPTER 28
I don't have plans and schemes,
and I don't have hopes and dreams
I don't have anything
since I don't have you.
As a pathetic replay of that whole week before I met Frank, I half lied in bed with one open whiskey bottle in my hand. The same bed that had been our bed for more than a month, the bed that kept his strawberry smell. How would I be able to sleep on it by myself? How would sleep come to me without having him in my arms, without feeling his soft hair in between my fingers, without watching him breathe peacefully and smile in his dream until my own eyes gave in?
And then...who would I wake up for, work for, go back home for... live for? Yes, I could still do it for myself, but that's easier said than done. At the moment I wasn't able to find any reasons. I had been living for Frankie. It wasn't that I had stopped my own life for him, no; I didn't have one before I met him. He became my motive, my strength, my support.
Without even knowing it, he helped me more than anyone had ever done. Whenever I felt down, just seeing his smile would light up my day. Thanks to him I'd learned that we could be happy with very little. He had taught me what true love was; love that wasn't born from lust, love without the need of sex.
Just when I had reached that divine realization of having everything I needed, of my life being very close to complete, it was stolen from my hands. At that point when I was feeling that no difficulty -and I knew we had several ahead- would be too hard to go through as long as we were together...I was left alone again.
I needed Frank and I knew he needed me. I could see that he was fine when we were together, our relationship hadn't caused him any harm. He was better, happier. Why couldn't the others see that too? Why hadn't my mother paid attention to the facts instead of using the infamous 'this could be bad for Frank'? Our love couldn't be bad, love can never be bad.
Why hadn't I fought more? Why hadn't I been able to stop her? I wanted to, but that would have meant arguing longer in front of Frank. That, for sure, wouldn't have been good for him. Now I wondered...what was worst?
Questions kept revolving in my mind as the clear liquid in the bottle disappeared.
By the second bottle my head was a blur, light and confused. Nevertheless my body felt so heavy that I thought it could make a hole through the mattress. My emotions were mixed up, I had begun to question it all again, to wonder if my mother may be right after all. The alcohol hadn't taken away the pain, though; it was still there, deep inside my heart.
Pain, anger, desperation. I had tried to drown them, but I only succeeded at numbing my reasoning; and even being nearly incapable of thinking anymore, those feelings wouldn't leave me.
I lost count of how much time I stayed like that, feeling although no longer thinking. No idea of when it was that all my senses abandoned me, giving me the sweet relief of sleep. I knew nothing more until a sharp pain in my stomach woke me up. I was drenched in cold sweat and had an awful taste in my mouth. Just to open my eyes hurt like fuck, and my legs threatened to not support my weight as soon as my feet touched the floor.
My head spun as I stumbled my way to the bathroom, finally collapsing in front of the toilet. Embracing the comforting coolness of the porcelain, I emptied the contains of my stomach. I grasped the sink and helped myself up, washing my mouth and my face, feeling one pain subside and the other, deadlier one, come back to life.
As I entered the kitchen to hide the evidence from the previous night, the clock welcomed me with its hands signaling 10 a.m. It was Friday, I was very late to work. Where was Ray? Why hadn't I heard him calling? Why hadn't he gotten into the house if he had the keys?
"Oh, mom must have called him." I voiced to the air. How would I survive the silence? Again, I started to think of all the things I'd usually do with Frankie, and I wasn't able to stop the new tears falling.
I knew, however, that I had to be strong; Frankie couldn't see me like this the next time we saw each other. Because I would see him again, I had to see him again. They couldn't ban me from spending time with my sweet boy, my love. That thought, that hope, was the only reason to go on, but it wasn't enough. I needed him here, with me.
My head hurt too much and I didn't feel like having breakfast, so I just sat there, staring blankly at the wall. Seconds, minutes, hours? I couldn't tell.
Through the mental mist of my pitiful hangover, an unmistakable sound hit my eardrums. A sound I had never liked before, yet I learned to love because it was Frankie's. The purple beaded mobile was tinkling in announcement, and I ran to the door as fast as my sore body allowed.
Was I the one hallucinating now? Next to the entrance and placing a soaked umbrella -soaked by a rain I didn't know was falling- against the door, was my mother. Beside her, struggling to get rid of an ugly blue raincoat, was Frankie. My Frankie. His hair unbrushed, his semblance pale, his windowed eyes puffy, red and restless.
"Oh my God, baby...you're here!" I strode towards him and hugged him tightly, lifting him off the ground. He didn't respond at first, but then I felt his short legs cling to my waist and his shaking arms to my neck. His sweet lips crashed desperately against my cheek.
"I...I m-missed you Gee, s-so so m-much. I w-wanna stay with y-you, p-please tell h-her..." he spoke with a half voice that wasn't easy to hear. He'd never talked about missing his friends, or the institution, or even Grace. Now here he was telling me that he missed me during the only night we had been apart.
"You don't have any idea how much I missed you, Frankie..." I looked at my mom, still standing there in silence with glassy eyes. I read the regret, I perceived it; a shadow towering above her. I didn't want to reproach her and cause another argument, but my eyes must have betrayed me because she lowered her face, distressed.
"I'm sorry Gerard, I'm so sorry, I acted following my first impulse. When I saw how Frankie is when he doesn't have you...that made me question myself completely. I won't deny that I still had some doubts while coming here, I was afraid that I might regret bringing him back; but now that I see you I know I won't. You've suffered too and it's all my fault...I'm sorry, son..." she said caressing my cheek. I flinched and receded.
Could she notice that I had been drinking? I prayed that she would only think I'd been crying all night -which was also true after all. I didn't want to disappoint my mother like that, I needed her to trust me and believe that I was reliable to be in charge of Frankie.
"You...then you mean...Frankie can stay?" that's all I cared about.
"Yes, he can." she nodded with a weak smile. "I don't know how you two are gonna handle this situation, what you're feeling for each other. I still find it hard to believe and it'll take me some time to get used to it...but you deserve an opportunity. Last night...all along the way while we were on the train Frankie wouldn't say a word or look at me, he just followed like a robot. When we got home and he finally reacted, he just started to cry and repeat that he wanted to go back to you. He never stopped crying. He didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't want to take his pill. Early in the morning I gave him some ice cream and managed to calm him down long enough to talk."
"What did he say to you?" I asked, wanting to know and at the same time a little concerned. I hoped the boy hadn't commented on what happened a couple of days ago on the couch. Probably not, or my mother wouldn't be giving me Frank back.
"He told me what that John kid did to him," her voice trembled. "and the conversation you had about it. Said you weren't angry and explained things to him. I'd never seen Frankie so serious...the way he kept the eye contact all the time honestly surprised me. He assured me that you take care of him very well and would never hurt him."
"I...t-told her that I l-love you. A l-lot, and you l-love me, and we w-wanna be b-boyfriends." Frankie was almost voiceless, now I knew it was due to crying for hours.
"He's right, mom. We love each other and want to be boyfriends. You can be sure -and you should have known- that I'd never ever do anything that could hurt Frankie, physically or mentally. We could have discussed it here if you had only listened, you know?" I spat with refrained anger. "You just came and did what you considered better and you never thought of me! You say you thought about Frankie? Well, you didn't listen to what he was telling you either!"
"I know..." she covered her mouth, suffocating a sob as she became aware of how wrong her whole proceeding had been. "...I should have trusted your words instead of thinking so much. Frankie made me see my mistake, he could never hide anything, this kid's transparent. Everything should have been clear to me just by looking into his eyes and listening to both of you, but I guess I was blind and deaf with the surprise. It's evident that you've changed for good since you have taken care of Frankie, and he's so happy..."
"Yes, all that should have been enough!" I cried out. Frankie's scared expression told me to hold myself. "So he didn't have any pills since last morning?"
"No...today after we talked he began to cry and plead again. It was impossible to get him to do anything at all so I decided to come over here without delay."
"Thank you." I sobbed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you..."
"Y-yes...th-thank you, Donna! B-but...for wh-what? Wh-why you crying, G-gerard?" Frankie was suddenly confused. We laughed, finally relaxing.
"You know, boys?" my mom glanced at us, Frankie still in my arms. "You look like shit! Gerard, give Frankie his medication and then go to bed. I'll prepare breakfast and serve you both there."
"But...oh fuck! The store! Sarah! And what happened to Ray?" everything came back to me at once.
"I called Ray last night and told him Frankie was with me. And don't worry, I'll phone your boss to tell her you overslept because you're sick and that I don't think you can work today." she answered smiling. "Now go, poor Frankie has been unmedicated for more than 24 hours. My fault, I know."
Minutes later we were hugging each other in bed; the previous night seemed only a bad memory and the idea of sleeping alone was unthinkable. My mother had understood, she had seen what was obvious to me: there can be no wrong where there's love.
******
Sarah told my mom that I didn't have to work the following day either. It was my chance to do another three-hour trip and visit the shelter where Frank had first lived. Bob had said to count him in, so I called him. After those last days' sad moments I was willing to laugh, and with Frankie and Bob in the same car you had your fun guaranteed.
We left the house as soon as Bob arrived. I handed him a portable mini fridge with sandwiches and sodas and we got in the car, Frankie beaming with happiness. His voice still sounded a little weird while he sang some random tune from some even more random TV show for kids. He'd watch a lot of those when he wasn't seeing cheesy love movies. The innocent, preteen-first-love ones, since any others were too boring for him. Sometimes he watched horror movies with me, though 'watch' was only a saying; he'd always end up hiding his face in the crook of my neck for most of the movie.
"Those glasses are really bad-ass, Frankie!" Bob told him.
"Uh?"
"That they're cool, you look great with them." he explained.
"Ahh, y-yeah! And...and n-now I can s-see everything!"
"That's even cooler! What do you think of my ugly face now?" my friend interrogated him. I had just started the car and couldn't see Frankie, but the silence indicated that he was examining Bob's face.
"Uh...y-you're not ugly! Y-you're...funny!" he giggled. "And...and your h-hair's yellow and you h-have pretty eyes l-like the color of...of th-the sky. Yep! B-but gotta shave, you l-look like a b-bear. B-bob the b-bear!"
"Well, that's not so bad. Maybe I'll shave next time I see you, so you can tell me if I look better." Bob said. "Your eyes are prettier, though. They're sometimes green and sometimes brown. Mine are boring, always the same color."
"B-but yours are not f-fucked up..." Frank stopped and I saw his head appear at my side, looking at something in the front part of the car's interior.
"Frankie, why did you unfasten your belt?"
"I d-didn't, just m-made it looser."
"Well, make it tighter again..."
"J-just a minute!"
"Frankie..."
"Wh-what are you d-doing here? N-no, I know you l-like Gee's c-car so much but n-no one said you could c-come! N-not even Puppy c-came and he w-wanted to!" the receiver of his talk changed. It seemed the gnomes were back on the glove compartment. He had been seeing all his imaginary friends again since the previous day, probably because of the stress provoked by the last events and having interrupted the medication.
"Who are you talking to, kiddo?" Bob asked.
"Th-the gnomes, they're m-my friends. I kn-know you c-can't see them, G-gee told me. 'C-cause I'm s-special and you're n-not!"
"Hey! This kid stuck out his tongue to me!" Bob protested playfully.
"Oh, don't get me into your fights, you're grown up kids already!" I laughed.
"Can I ask the gnomes questions and you tell me what they answer?" Bob proposed.
"Y-yeah, ask." Frank liked the idea and I wasn't going to object to it.
"What do they think of me?"
"Come on, Bob! Can't it be something not related to yourself?" I chuckled. He'd always want to know what everybody thought of him. Not even the imaginary gnomes where safe from that!
"Shh, G-man! Wanna know!"
"Th-they say your b-beard's ugly and...and th-theirs are b-better and you...you c-can't be a g-gnome 'cause you're too b-big!"
"Oh, no! I was hoping to become one!" Through the mirror I could see Bob grab his head dramatically. He was such a clown, but Frankie was laughing a lot and so was I; healing through laughter.
They continued with the questions and answers -the most absurd ones imaginable- for a long period of time; and all of the gnomes' replies according to Frank were so hilarious that they brought us to tears. When we got to the route, the landscape distracted him.
"W-wow! I c-can see all th-the animals n-now! Th-the cow, the o-other cow, and m-more cows th-there, and m-more but black...and th-the horses and a wh-white horse and a h-house and also p-people and..." he listed everything. "...Gee!"
"Yes?"
"C-can't we g-get out and...and go see the an-animals?"
"No, we can't do that here."
"Wh-why? 'C-cause the cows can c-call their f-friends and...and th-then a lot m-more come and then th-they call all th-the animals and they...r-run over us 'cause they d-don't want us to g-go see them? It...it's th-that, Gee?"
"Oh my, I love this kid!" Bob laughed hysterically. "He owns so much!"
"No Frankie, it's not because of that, only that I can't stop the car here, it's not safe." I explicated, chuckling at his random idea too.
"Ahh." he said seriously. "B-but I wanna see th-them."
"One of these days I'll take you to a farm."
"Th-there're elephants there?"
"No...but there are cows, pigs, sheep, chickens... Elephants are in the zoo, have you been to a zoo?"
"N-no, saw them in m-movies. S-some kids went, b-but they said I c-couldn't."
"Why was that?" Bob questioned.
"N-not safe for F-frankie." the boy answered in that odd tone he'd use to quote other people.
"Frankie doesn't have any notion of danger, he doesn't seem able to understand it or recognize it." I filled Bob in about one of Frank's mental alterations.
"Oh..."
"It's not such a big deal, you only have to keep him watched. But I guess it was easier for them to leave him out of the visit to the zoo than have someone taking him by the hand all the time to make sure he wouldn't get in trouble, classical incompetence." I spoke bitterly.
"Classical assholes!" Bob exclaimed.
"Y-yeah, assholes! I...I'm a g-good boy!" Frankie added.
"Of course you are, Gee-man and I will take you to both a farm and a zoo one day, you'll see."
"Y-yes! B-bob is awe-some! R-right, Gee?"
"Hahahaha yes, he is!"
We finally arrived to the place. It was an old two-story house; big, though not huge. Its walls, that had once been white, were gray and moldy. There was no garden and not even much grass, the soil too dry and cracked for something to grow on it. No sign could be seen telling it was a shelter. It was probably one of those places that weren't exactly legal. The government knew about them and even sustained them because it meant less abandoned kids to care about; but they usually kept them undercover.
The three of us got out of the car this time. I considered it'd be no danger if Frankie was seen by someone. When we got closer, the boy froze and looked at the house scared, taking in the details without blinking. Then he began to walk backwards, his eyes still fixed on the building.
"Frankie...what's wrong? You remember this house?" I inquired.
"Y-yes...I...d-don't wanna...no...d-don't take me th-there, no. I D-DON'T WANT TO!"
"Ok, ok, you can stay in the car with Bob. Wanna tell me why it scares you? Were they bad to you here?"
"One...one m-man. H-he hit me s-sometimes and..and it h-hurt! H-he was evil. S-screamed at us and b-beat us!"
"Why would he hit you?" The more I knew about Frank's past, the more people I added to my black list. I couldn't understand how someone would want to hit Frankie, even less when he was not much older than 4!
"'C-cause I peed in my b-bed or...d-don't know what el-else, d-don't remember. B-but he was an as-asshole. D-don't wanna see h-him!"
"Baby," I put my hands on his shoulders and looked right into his eyes. "if he was so bad I don't think he's still here. And even if he was...now you're with us, he can't do anything to you. We're just going to ask some questions and then we'll go home, I promise. Anyway, you can stay here with Bob if you want to."
"If...if y-you're not g-gonna let him h-hurt me, then I'll g-go." he whispered.
"Bob and I will kick the ass of whoever tries to hurt you!"
"Super Bob will give that guy what he deserves!" my blond friend gave his word.
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