Lastly, Goldberg said that he'd be seeing Frank once every fifteen days, and recommended taking him to a hospital for a complete checkup in a month. The medication could affect his health in other ways besides the visible ones, so it was advisable to be in the know just in case he needed something to balance that. I hated how his physical health might have to suffer for him to be mentally better.
******
We were back home at a little past 6:30, meaning our guests hadn't arrived yet. I followed Frankie to see what he'd do, a knot in my stomach. He headed for the bedroom and reached under the bed, standing up with Puppy in his arms. He kissed him, placed him under his chin, and left for the living room. There, he lied down with the imaginary pet apparently on his chest and turned the TV on. I knew I was supposed to tell him his hallucinations were not real, but I couldn't...not with Puppy. I didn't have the heart to tell him the dog didn't exist.
I went for something to drink and though it only took me fifteen minutes, Frank was asleep by the time I looked at him again. He was on his side, with his arms still placed as if he was holding his pet.
"Frankie..." I kissed his cheek. "...baby wake up, Mikey and Alicia will be here soon."
"Uh...n-no, lemme s-sleep." he mumbled.
"Pleeease...will you get up if I do this?" I crouched to peck his lips and he smiled, eyes still closed. He seemed to forget Puppy -or maybe the doggie had left- and hugged my neck. I took the chance to make him sit up, our lips staying locked until the doorbell was heard.
"Mmm...n-noo."
"Oh, guess I must go get it but...would you open these pretty eyes first?" I grazed his eyelids with my thumbs.
"Th-they're still s-sleepy but kay." he obeyed.
"Where's the handsome little boy?" was the first sentence dropped by Alicia as soon as I let her in. Mikey followed her rolling his eyes.
"You'll find a groggy version of Frankie on the couch, he'd fallen asleep." I pointed.
"Aww! You woke him up, bad person?"
"I knew he'd want to see you, he falls asleep all the time anyway."
"Alicia...stop speaking of Frank as if he was a baby." Mikey whispered.
"Shut up, Michael!"
"But..."
"Hi, Frankie!" she greeted him, shushing her boyfriend. Frank was only half awake, laid back on the couch; but at the sound of Alicia's voice he got up on his knees and embraced her.
"H-hiii!"
"Let me look at you...I think you're prettier than a month ago. Yes, are!" my brother's girlfriend continued to fangirl over Frank. The boy giggled and then glanced at Mikey.
"H-hi, Mikey." he voiced in a murmur.
"Hello kiddo, how are you?"
"G-good, just s-sleepy. I...I t-take my pills n-now and tomorrow I...I'll h-have my g-glasses. L-like you." he commented, still shy in front of Mikey. Alicia got closer to speak in my ear while Frankie kept talking to my brother.
"It surprised me to see his eyes. I think it's cute, but they're like...really crossed. Doesn't he see double or something?"
"I know, I guess only when he looks at something from too close. I'll know better once he has his glasses, he can't see much at all now."
"G-gee...can we d-drink something? Th-thirsty!" Frankie interrupted our whispering.
"Oh, of course! I'll go for the sodas now."
While we all had our drinks I observed Frank. He was sitting in between Alicia and Mikey, staring at the last one intensely. Mikey had noticed and was visibly uncomfortable.
"M-mikey...how's to w-wear glasses?" Frankie asked him.
"Uh...I've worn them since I was a little kid so I'm used to it. You might feel weird at first, but then they won't bother you." he responded without looking at the boy.
"Y-you see w-well with them?"
"Yes."
"Ahh...g-good." Frank's eyes remained fixed on the side of my brother's face. "M-mikey?"
"What do you want now?" he sounded irritated.
"Wh-why you don't l-look at me?" Frankie pouted.
"I...I gotta go get something from the kitchen, be right back." Mikey got up and left, me close behind him.
I found him in the kitchen, sitting on a chair and playing with his cell phone. I walked to the cupboard, got Frank's pills from the box above it and a candy off the can. Mikey ignored me.
"Would you tell me why you have to behave so distant with Frankie? Why can't you even look at him?" I talked to my brother while preparing the strawberry ball.
"I...uh...he makes me uneasy...didn't you see how he was staring?"
"Oh come on, Mikey! He's curious 'cause he's gonna have glasses too, that's what he was looking at!"
"Still, his eyes make me feel uncomfortable..."
"Why?"
"It's not to be mean or anything, I swear I have nothing against him, he's a nice kid. But Gerard, are you gonna tell me you don't find it odd to look a cross-eyed person in the eyes?" he explicated. I felt like slapping him.
"I don't find it odd, it's no problem for me to look Frankie in the eyes."
"Sorry, but I do. I didn't mean to make him feel bad or ignore him."
"I figure that, Mikey...but he's very self conscious about his eyes, only now he's getting over it. So could you please try to get over your...discomfort?"
"Ok, I'll try." he nodded. We returned to the living room in silence.
I gave Frank his undercover pill, which he swallowed obediently. Goldberg had told me that most patients had some periods when they'd refuse to take their pills. It hadn't happened so far and I hoped it never would.
"What did you want to ask me, Frankie?" Mikey's eyes shifted a little, nervously, but he was looking at Frank's. The boy smiled widely and I could see my brother relax and mirror him.
"G-gimme your g-glasses to see them b-better?" Frank pleaded timidly.
"I...uh..."
"Mikey! Let him have them for a second!" Alicia reprimanded him.
"I'm afraid he might break them..."
"Oh...y-yeah, maybe, m-my hands are c-crappy." Frankie looked down. "H-hold them c-close and I won't t-touch them?" he proposed lucidly.
"Ok, here." my brother complied and Frank examined the glasses, seeming satisfied.
"C-can I try th-them?"
"Sure." Mikey's glasses did look good on Frankie, but I liked him more with the frame he had chosen for his.
He grabbed a magazine from the coffee table and frowned when he tried to read it. "Th-they don't w-work." he stated, giving them back to Mikey. My brother said something into Alicia's ear, gaining a punch from her. That girl certainly knew how to educate her boyfriend.
"It's not that, Frankie, you just need your own, they're different." I told him.
"Ahh, k-kay."
After that, things were fairly normal. We just talked about random things, laughed, and ordered pizza. Mikey appeared a little more at ease with Frankie, though he would still try not to give him much conversation. Alicia, on the other hand, wouldn't stop asking him things, kissing his cheeks and braiding his hair.
"Al...again, he's not a Barbie doll, you know?" Mikey chuckled.
"Not a Barbie, but he's cute as a doll. Shut up, you're jealous." she dismissed him.
"Yes, sweetheart." he grinned at her. "Oh, bell! Must be the ice cream!"
Mikey got up in a hurry and attempted to run to the door, but accidentally kicked the smaller, dark green couch on the side.
"FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! WHERE DID THIS FUCKING COUCH COME FROM?" he screamed rubbing his feet. Alicia left her boy to his pain and went for the ice cream instead.
"Mikey...it was already there when you arrived. I had it in the attic and this week I decided to bring it here." I had taken that decision -even though there was barely enough room to walk in between- because I needed something to cover the wall where Frank had drawn the heart.
"Well, I'm not used to it being here and it doesn't match and the room's too fucking small for it and..." Mikey stopped in the middle of his rant and only then I noticed something. When tripping over the couch, he had moved it, separating it from the wall.
"Oh..." I practically threw myself at it to move it back, but Mikey was quicker and got the couch completely out of the way.
"What the fuck...?" he exclaimed at the same time that Alicia was back inside, staring at the same wall.
Silence filled the place and it was as if time had frozen.
CHAPTER 25
Give me light to see my inside,
give me light to see my sin.
I'd never do what I regret,
I've never done anything bad.
You must be joking when you point at me!
"Mikey..." I wanted to speak, but words weren't coming out right.
"Please tell me it's not what I'm thinking." Mikey took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers. I was still staring at the wall when I heard the sound of feet being dragged towards us. Frankie stood in the middle of Mikey and me, looked at his uncovered work and brought a hand to his mouth.
"Oops!" he gasped. "It...it w-was our s-secret!"
I growled out of desperation. Frank's naive comment had most probably buried me. Now Mikey surely thought I did dirty things to the kid and had told him to keep it secret. My mind traveled far away for a long time, imagining all the terrible things my brother could be considering.
"Gerard...tell me now what this is and what Frankie meant." his tone was louder.
"Mikey calm down, it's definitely not what you're thinking!"
"Oh, I think it is, don't give me that shit."
"Mikey, please!" Alicia tried to stop him.
"No, Al. I need to know, stay out of this!" he pushed her away, gently yet firmly.
"Frankie and I have been in each other's company almost permanently since I found him, and I'm the one who takes care of him. He's just...very attached to me, that's all! I hid the drawing because I knew others would interpret it wrong..." I improvised in a desperate attempt to convince him that there was nothing else. However, when I looked Frankie -who was peeping from behind Alicia, scared- in the eyes, guilt struck me. It was one thing to keep our relationship secret while possible, but denying it when being asked felt as if I was denying him.
"Don't lie to me, Gerard! I can see the way you're looking at Frankie! I noticed the kid's face when he saw the drawing! I just...can't believe it! I need to hear it from you...fuck!" my brother was almost screaming now. His gestures were harsh, his voice commanding. He seemed mortified, thinking of me as some kind of monster. Frank whimpered, covering his ears.
"I think I better take him to the kitchen, this is frightening him." Alicia said softly, her arm around the boy's shoulders.
"N-no but th-they...are f-fighting..." he whispered.
"They'll be fine, sweety. We'll go to the kitchen with the ice-cream so they can talk here alone, ok?"
"K-kay," Frank eyed Mikey before walking away. "but d-don't fight." Stumbling, he leaned on the wall not to fall and continued his way supporting himself with his open palms.
"Please Alicia, watch him. He sometimes feels dizzy for a couple of hours after taking his pills." I asked her. Mikey puffed impatiently.
"Will do, and you two behave like adults, ok? Mikey...it's your brother you're talking to, you know him."
Once I heard Alicia close the kitchen's door behind them, I sat down and sighed loudly.
"Well?" Mikey impelled me to speak. I patted the couch, inviting him to sit with me.
He shook his head 'no'. "I'm fine, and waiting. "
"Ok...it is what you're thinking but...no, let me finish!" I raised a hand before he could interrupt me. "...but it's not how you think."
"So you know how I think it is? You're inside my head?" he wouldn't take his eyes off me.
"It's evident that you're thinking the worst, or you wouldn't be accusing me like this! " I replied.
"Let's start with the main thing: you're admitting that you have something with the kid, something more than a brotherly or...fatherly relationship..." Mikey struggled a little to find the correct words, his nerves were unconcealable. He kept walking from side to side in that reduced space and wantonly fixing his glasses on his nose.
"Yes, but it's not..."
"That's enough! How do you want me to react? Frank...he...he's like a little kid, for God's sake!" he refrained from shouting.
"He is not a little kid! He's 18!" I told him. Mikey rolled his eyes.
"He's mentally ill, Gerard. He can't completely know what he's doing. I don't think he can be even counted as an adult, which makes you a pervert! How can you? I...I didn't even know you were gay to start with!"
"Are you at least gonna let me talk and try to defend myself, or do you expect me to sit here quietly and hear you throw shit at me?" I got up and stood in front of him.
"Ok, let's see what you have to say, though I think this situation is unjustifiable." he let himself fall on the small couch, his arms crossed over his chest.
"I'm not a fucking perv, and Frank took the first steps. Yes, don't look at me like that, he did." I related how things had gradually evolved since I met Frankie. I expressed as clearly as I could what I felt for him, how patient I'd been; that I had waited until Frank got his meds to be sure that he was aware of his words and actions. "He loves me, Mikey, and I feel the same. I... love that boy." I paused and waited for him to say something.
"God, Gerard...this is so fucked up." he mumbled, head down in between his hands.
"Mikey...Gerard's telling you the truth." Alicia appeared by the door. "The first time we met Frank, he commented with me about how the boy was acting weird towards him for moments, that he seemed interested in him. After that he called me a couple of times and I can swear to you Mikey, your brother fought a lot with his own feelings."
"You knew it? You fucking knew about my brother's...perversion and said nothing?" he spat at Alicia furiously.
"I knew part of it and imagined you'd take it the wrong way, that's why I didn't tell you! I never thought you were capable of calling your own brother perverted, though. You're so wrong, Michael...so wrong. Now excuse me, I gotta go back to Frank." I could perceive in her voice that she was about to cry.
"You happy now? You even made your girlfriend upset because you are incapable of listening. You just make up your own story in your mind and no one can fucking get you outta it." I was sick and tired of that discussion. At this point I had no doubts left, there was nothing wrong about my relationship with Frank. Not even my brother, my own blood, would convince me otherwise.
"But Gerard, even if you felt something for him you should've used your head a little more! This head!" he uttered pointing at his. That was enough.
"Do you ever listen? I love Frank. I don't...lust over him! This isn't about sex, I'm not perverted I'm..." I lowered my voice, realising that I was losing control. "...I'm not fucking Frank, Mikey! I haven't fucked him or touched him and I won't unless I know he's prepared for that and wants it too. Even if that means never. It's all just kisses and caresses, you moron! Now you can act like a brother and believe me, or you can get the fuck out and forget we're family. I won't allow you to think that of me. I may be nearly an alcoholic -fighting against it, but you could call me that. I lost my job, I've been a mess, I've made lots of mistakes and damn...yes, I'm gay! But I'm no way a pervert."
Mikey stared at me with huge eyes. He wasn't expecting me to talk to him like that. We had argued lots of times, but I had never been so determinant. Sometimes I'd let him win just because I got tired of fighting. Not this time, I would not let this one pass.
"I..." he faltered. "...don't know what to say. I guess...I guess I went a little too far accusing you like that."
"A little? A little, you say? Calling your own brother perverted is going a little too far?" I cried, unable to stop the tears anymore. He raised his eyes and his expression changed.
"Ok, incredibly far. I just...freaked out. I'm still not sure of what I should think I...you'll have to give me some time to process all this. I felt disgusted with the idea, but I'm also worried. Worried about you, terrified that you might get into big trouble. And worried about Frankie. Yes, I may act like an asshole to him, but it's only because he annoys me. I can't help it, I've never had patience with kids."
"He's..."
"Yeah, you'll say Frank's not a kid, but he does act like one, you can't deny it. Anyway I'm not insensitive, I know all that boy's been through and just thinking that you..."
"Mikey, no. I'd never..."
"I believe you, I choose to believe you though as I said, I'll need some time to get used to it."
"Fair enough." I took a deep breath and rested my head on the couch. None of us spoke for several minutes. I could hear Frankie and Alicia chatting, but couldn't figure out what they were saying.
"You...Laura...I don't get it." Mikey suddenly broke the silence, more to the air than to me.
"Big mistake, I wanted to give myself an opportunity with girls. My first serious experience was with a boy and didn't go very well." I answered tiredly, not giving real importance to my confession.
"So...that person who cheated on you, the one who'd left you so heartbroken...?"
"Gabriel."
"Oh...and how come we never knew?" he inquired confused.
"Only Ray did. I'm good, uh?" I chuckled, trying to make fun of the situation. Those memories weren't helping my post-fight mood. "I don't wanna talk about it now."
"Ok..."
"Hey, pair of idiots! Well, one more so than the other..." Alicia returned with Frank. "While you were having such a nice conversation here, I had Frankie's version of the matter."
"What?" I questioned. Frank was hugging his teddy bear and looked like he had been crying, but he was now smiling.
"It's not that I had any doubt, he just wanted to explain something to me about the secret. Mikey...I can assure you, there's nothing to worry about. This boy's absolutely happy with the way Gerard treats him, your brother does nothing out of place. Frankie's perfectly fine with him." she told him. Mikey nodded, giving her an embarrassed smile.
"I'm sorry Alicia, I really am. I didn't mean to be so rude..."
"It's ok, but we do need to talk about your reactions and your annoying habit of not letting the other person speak."
"Ok." he assented like a little boy that had been reprimanded. Sometimes Alicia appeared to be his mother.
Frankie came to sit on my lap and I observed Mikey, who was slightly tense. I didn't care.
"Th-they know the s-secret now, r-right?" Frank asked.
"Yes, they do." I responded, caressing his cheek.
"Th-then we can d-do this." he giggled. Leaving the bear aside he hugged me, closed his eyes and kissed me. He'd usually miss my mouth if he was looking, yet get right to it if he wasn't. With a hand on his back and the other one on his neck, I reciprocated the kiss. During the few seconds it lasted I felt my heart melt. When I peered at Frank again, I knew he was thinking the same as me: it was better when not having to hide. Mikey didn't seem exactly comfortable. He got up and left the room saying nothing.
"He just needs time, it'll be ok." Alicia kissed both our heads. She was gonna leave, then came back and pinched our cheeks. "And you two are just adorable."
"Ouch, h-hurtss!" Frankie protested.
"Sorry...couldn't resist." she went after her boyfriend.
Once we were left alone in the room, Frankie and I took advantage of our new freedom and cuddled on the couch. He seemed troubled, though. My fight with Mikey had scared him and he asked me some questions about it. I only explained that Mikey was angry because I hadn't told him that we loved each other; the rest of the conversation wasn't appropriate for Frank.
After that, he luckily changed the subject and talked about the ice-cream: what flavors he had chosen and how 'yummy' it was. I'd gotten used to Frank's changes and had learned to love everything related to him. He could act like a loving boyfriend and then in seconds go back to speaking like a child. It'd became normal to me.
We were kissing again, wrapped up in the moment, when we heard someone cough behind us. Mikey. "We...are leaving now."
"Oh, ok!" abandoning our love bubble, we got up to say goodnight to them. They were about to step out of the house when it dawned on me how dangerous it was to have my brother knowing of my relationship with Frank.
"Mikey...I know it's hard for you to keep your mouth shut but please, don't tell mom about this. I want to do it myself when I'm ready."
"I think she should know." he stated gravely, growling as he caught my menacing glance. "Alright, I won't tell her. But you better not take too long."
"I won't! Thanks, brother."
*************************
The following morning proved my cowardice. I totally failed at telling Frank that the little people were not real, I didn't even dare try. I watched him smile and talk to them on the table, I saw him separate part of his cereal and put it on a little plate for his friends, acting so cheerful and amused. I suddenly remembered how I'd felt when my parents told me that Santa didn't exist. The disappointment, the sadness, the gloomy feeling that life had lost its magic. I imagined it could be a similar shock for Frankie, or even worse having in mind his problems. Therefore I couldn't, I was not prepared, I needed more time.
******
Before I went to work, I took Frank to pick up his glasses. I had to make a big effort to not cry while seeing his little happy face when the unfriendly woman reappeared from the back of the shop. Frankie practically ripped them off her hands.
"What manners..." she grumbled.
"He's just happy, can't you see?" I sent her an angry look.
"H-how I l-look?" Frankie grinned. He was too adorable for words.
"You look gorgeous, baby. As pretty and cute as ever, or maybe more!" I kissed his lips briefly, not caring if that odious woman was seeing it. She wasn't, though, she had disappeared through the back again.
All of a sudden Frank froze, his mouth open as he stared at my face. I realised that he was seeing me properly for the first time and it made me feel kind of self conscious. He took his time to analyze me, raising his quivering hands to grab my head and move it to both sides. He freed my hair from behind my ears and brushed it a little with his fingers. His surprised features transformed into a smile. His eyes, behind translucent glass, were smiling as much as his lips.
"W-wow. Y-you're a lot more h-handsome, now! Al-always said you w-were, b-but now you're m-more." he declared and squeezed me.
"Thank you, honey. But are you sure those glasses are ok? I'm not pretty!" I hid my nose in his hair. It smelled like strawberry shampoo, it smelled like Frankie. He slapped my arm playfully.
"Sh-shut up, silly! G-glasses work f-fine 'cause I s-see you pretty and y-you are pretty. I kn-know that! Th-they agree, always t-told me, d-didn't you?" he asked to the floor. "S-see?" he stuck out his tongue to me. "P-pretty!"
"Sorry, are you gonna pay already?" the bitch disrupted us. I bet she had been hearing us and was not exactly pleased. Too bad that I didn't give a fuck.
"Yes." I also bought Frankie a purple strip that would keep the glasses in place, knowing he'd usually move a lot. You couldn't even see it though, since it was hidden under his hair.
When we left that place, I looked at my watch. Ray was probably at home already waiting for us.
"We need to hurry, I have to leave you home with Ray and then go to work." Frankie had taken his pill a little more than an hour before, so I knew he wouldn't walk too fast. And that wasn't the only problem I encountered. We hadn't advanced much when he began to look around entranced. "What..? Oh, I know. Everything looks different, doesn't it?"
"Y-yeah..."
I gently tugged on his hand, urging him to keep walking; but he'd stop by every shop-window, read every sign and admire every garden with flowers. It was as if he was beholding it all for the first time. The sight of Frankie being that marveled and eager was so moving for me that I wished I could spend the whole day with him, share his emotions.
"Come on, baby. I know you wanna see it all, but it's late. Everything will be right here waiting for you next time you come." I insisted while he was reading a restaurant's menu of the day.
"Ewww m-mushroom? P-people eat th-that? Th-they smell b-bad!" he opined on the gravy, ignoring my pleads.
"Well, I don't like it either, but some people do."
"Ewwwww." he screwed up his face in disgust.
When we finally arrived home, Ray was there watching TV. He didn't seem mad at all, it wasn't easy to get Ray mad, still I felt bad for making him wait. "Sorry, man. Frankie got distracted by everything on the way." I apologized.
"No problem!" he glanced at Frank. "Come here kid, let me see you. Oh, I like them a lot, you look smart! Well, you are smart, but these glasses make you look even more so."
"Th-thanks!" Frankie smiled widely and ran to the corridor mirror. He touched the surface -seemingly wanting to touch his reflection- and giggled.
"See how beautiful you are?" I whispered in his ear. He became red as a tomato and hid his face. When he withdrew his hands, his expression mutated to worried.
"B-but eyes still f-fucked up." he pouted.
"The glasses are just for you to see better which is more important, maybe they'll be able to fix your eyes when you're older. You don't have to worry about it now, I love them."
"K-kay, then."
"Ray...after lunch, could you take Frankie for a walk? He's desperate to see it all through his glasses." I wavered in front of my friend.
"Sure, we'll have fun. Right, Frankie?"
"Y-yes!! P-pleeeeease!" he applauded.
"Thank you, Ray. Bye Frankie, be a good boy while on the street!"
"W-will be!"
******
On my return, Frankie dragged me to the coffee table immediately. My heart was invaded by tenderness when I spotted the big box of color pencils and a pile of paper sheet. He had been drawing.
"You bought him this?" I asked Ray.
"Yeah, I couldn't convince him to go back home. I think he didn't leave a single thing unseen." he laughed. "Then I saw these pencils in a shop and thought it'd interest him and give him something to do here. He only agreed to go back so he could use them."
"Excellent idea, indeed!" I knelt beside Frank and looked at the drawing on which he'd been working. It was childish and simple, with stick figures; although colorful and good nevertheless. The lines were wavy, but his hand must have become steady by the time he had applied color, because it was neatly done. You could clearly tell the people in the drawing were Ray, me and himself. Frankie was in the middle -much shorter than us- and he was holding my hand. The only thing that was off were the colors he had chosen: the sky was pink, the grass blue, Ray's hair was green and Frankie's purple. My hair was accurately black, though. I'd always thought that he knew the colors, now I would have to recheck it later.
"L-like it? I...I'll d-draw the others l-later." he said. "Al-also gotta d-draw Puppy!"
"Yeah, it's good, I love it! We could put it on the bedroom's wall, what do you say?"
"Y-yep!"
Дата добавления: 2015-11-04; просмотров: 21 | Нарушение авторских прав
| <== предыдущая лекция | | | следующая лекция ==> |