After getting dressed as fast as I could, I got the bottle out of the closet and threw it into my bag in a rush when Ray and Frank entered the room. Lost in my thoughts as I was, I didn't even look at them while I left for the bathroom.
Trying to avoid slipping over the wet floor, I did everything I hadn't been able to do before. Then I went to the kitchen and drank some orange juice on the spot, deciding there was not time for breakfast. Finally, I searched for the problematic bottle and, without giving myself the change to think twice, I emptied it on the sink.
"What are you doing? What's that smell?" Ray startled me.
"N-nothing I...I was washing my hands and don't smell anything...what do you mean?" I dissimulated, tossing the evidence behind my back into the trashcan. Ray frowned without saying a word. I didn't move. He pushed me out of the way and looked inside said trashcan.
" This nothing?" he pointed at the thing I had just discarded. I had been caught. I was in big trouble....what if Ray told my family? What would happen with Frankie?
"I...it was only once, last night. I didn't drink much and today I regretted it, really. It just went down the drain! I threw it away!" I apologized desperately. "I'm sorry, Ray."
"You don't have to tell me you're sorry. You need to convince yourself of that. You need to ask yourself if you can do it without help."
"I can! I'll never ruin it again, I swear!" I cried out.
"Don't swear. Just...try to be stronger, you're not alone now, remember? You assumed a huge responsibility with Frank. Are you really prepared?"
"Yes. Yes, I am prepared. I can do this. I know I can, Ray. Please, don't tell my family about...this..."
"I won't. But please, ask for help if you think you can't make it." he hugged me.
"I'll do, I promise. Now I better leave, it's almost 9! Where's Frankie, by the way?" I questioned.
"He had some...business in the bathroom. You don't expect me to stay inside with him, do you?" he smiled.
"Hahaha no, you do enough! Bye, Ray!"
"Bye Gee, have a good day!"
While I was literally running to the store, I repeated the command in my head: 'Gerard, you must do it. For you and for Frank. You must do it.'
It wouldn't be easy though, now that I had tasted alcohol again. I had been too naive to think I could leave it behind so easily. I hadn't been a drinker for so long, and I hadn't done it everyday back then either. However, it was obvious that alcohol attracted me too much. I had been so busy those last three weeks that I hadn't had time to think about drinking. Yet, the desire was bound to come back sooner or later. I had already surrendered to it once, and I knew it was possible for it to happen again. I'd try to be stronger next time.
--------
Frankie had been sulky all day. Ray told me he had screamed to him many times and argued for everything. He had greeted me normally this time when I arrived home, though; and things went alright until I tried to simply converse with him. Nothing I could say, answer or comment seemed to be right from his point of view that day. Everything would make him angry, so I stayed silent as much as possible. Luckily, he ate most of his dinner in spite of all. I didn't think eating mashed potatoes with his fingers was the best idea, but I let him do it as he pleased.
"Frankie wash your hands and face, you're all covered in food." I told him whilst cleaning the table.
"D-don't want to, F-FUCK YOU!" he answered, stabbing the tablecloth with the fork he hadn't bothered using for what it really was.
"Frankie...you can't be touching things with your hands like that, go and wash them." I repeated, taking the fork out of his hands. He gave me a hateful look.
It hurt so much when he'd act like that. I knew it wasn't his intention, that he didn't hate me and he didn't know himself why he was behaving that way, but it hurt the same. It made me miss the sweet Frankie a lot.
"I...I D-DON'T FUCKING W-WANT TO! S-STOP! AND...AND YOU S-STOP TOO...AND...AND ALL OF Y-YOU. F-FUCK! TH-THE ELEPHANTS W-WILL CRUSH YOU ALL!" he shouted as loud as his lungs allowed, crashing his forehead on the surface in front of him. The sound it made stunned me, but he seemed to be fine. He got up, kicking the chair. I took him by both arms and forced him to the sink.
"F-FUCKING SON OF A B-BITCH LEMME G-GO!"
"Frankie, please stop. I don't want to do anything bad to you, I'm just gonna get you clean. You don't need to say these things to me, you know how I care about you." I tried to calm him down. He didn't answer and was instead using his energy to fight me. I put his hands under the faucet, holding them tightly. It was pointless to even try to use soap, he was applying a strong resistance. I also gained a bite on my hand when I tried to clean his face. He was impossible. I released him and he walked out of the kitchen looking furious, incensed.
"Where are you going?" I asked him.
"T-to do stuff."
"But... where?"
"L-leave me a-alone! C-come on P-puppy, he d-doesn't want us." he called his dog and got into the room.
"Frankie...I still have things to do. Why don't you go watch TV or any other thing in a place where I can see you? I do want you both near me!" I followed him.
"D-do not w-want. G-GO AWAY!" he yelled again. Something was seriously wrong. He had been in a bad mood before, but never like that. There was something abnormal in the way he moved, in his eyes.
"Come on kid, listen...I can leave whatever needs to be done for tomorrow. Instead we go to the couch and I'll read you and Puppy a story. What do you think?" I offered, trying to hug him. He pushed me really hard, sending me against the semi opened bedroom door, completely closing it. I looked at him in disbelief, a sharp pain in my back. He seemed worried for an instant, and I thought he had realised what he had done. But then he threw his hair back annoyingly, and his features hardened. He walked to the bed and began to pull at the quilting, sheets, and pillows; getting them out of the mattress and sending them flying across the room to where I was standing.
"D-DON'T WANT YOU TO R-READ ME A-ANYTHING! I...I D-DON'T WANT A-ANYTHING. D-DON'T! N-NO! SH-SHUT UP E-EVERYBODY AND L-LEAVE ME ALONE. S-SILENCE!" he exploded. His face was red with anger, his voice was harsh and his eyes moved quicker than I had ever seen them do. He was shaking from head to toes and I didn't know how he was still on his feet. I was afraid, Frankie was truly frightening me for the first time. He look possessed.
"Ok, ok! Then come here and we'll stay in silence, just resting, no sound." I walked towards the despoiled mattress.
"B-back off." he uttered through his teeth, pushing me once again and making me land on the floor. Ignoring the pain traveling from my ass to my neck, I got up and tried to hold him from behind, wrapping my arms around his and locking them on his chest.
"Arggg F-FUCKER!" he started to walk dragging me with him. His strength was amazing, unbelievable for such a small boy. Struggling, he managed to get his right arm free, and I saw him take the glass lamp from the chair. An easy tug was enough to unplug it. Raising it over his head, he twisted within my grip. The dolorous realization hit me like an anvil; he was trying to hit me with the lamp. My sweet angel wanted to hurt me.
I let go of his body and grabbed the hand that was holding the improvised weapon. In that moment I didn't think of me, I couldn't think of me. Besides the sadness that seeing the violent side of Frank caused me, I wasn't afraid of being physically hurt by him. I was more afraid of him being in trouble for hurting me. I couldn't stand the idea of Frankie ever being taken away.
I almost didn't recognize his face when I watched him, muscles contracted by rage and madness. His long hair was plastered to his skin, soaked in perspiration. His knuckles were white from the high amount of pressure he was employing to prevent me from snatching the dangerous thing from him. In a desperate move, I tightened my fingers around his waist.
"Y-you're hurting m-me!" he whimpered, almost making me loosen. "A-ASSHOLE, L-LEMME... N-NOW! G-GONNA KILL Y-YOU!"
My heart ached upon hearing that, and I squeezed with more force. His hand opened, but he hit me with his other elbow and the lamp fell to the floor; millions of tiny pieces of glass scattering all over. Frankie covered his ears, emitting a high pitched yowl that froze my blood.
"It's ok...we're ok. Calm down..." I whispered, cautiously approaching him.
"N-no. Nononononononoo. Th-they're here. Th-they w-won't shut up. H-he won't sh-shut up. Y-you...shut up, t-too. And...and a-animals...l-lots and...and w-walls and th-things and... n-no." he babbled and collapsed to the floor on his knees.
"Frankie, you're gonna get cut, the floor is covered in glass! Get up!" I tried to pick him up, but he didn't comply.
"N-NO! D-DON'T TOUCH M-ME. N-NO. I...I D-DUNNO. D-dunno..." he repeated the last word over and over, proceeding to move along the glass path. Once again I attempted to remove him from there, but he sent me on my butt for the second time. I could sense the glass fragments penetrating my palms and stinging me through my jeans.
Suddenly, Frank started to cry. First softly, then a little harder. Finally, he was screaming like in agony, choking with his sobs. He was pacing rapidly around the room on his knees and hands, leaving blood trails on his way.
"Frankie please get up, you're hurt...please, please kid, stop this...I'm scared..." I started to cry too. But every time I'd want to get closer he'd scream even louder and hit me or kick me. He reached a wall and sat up, resting his palms against it. Then he let them slide, smearing his blood on it.
I was crying harder and harder, terrified, not knowing what to do. I tried to calm down while Frank seemed to be hypnotized staring at the red marks. I left the room before he could react, ran to the front door and left it unlocked. After that I returned to the battlefield, unable to stop the waterfall of tears bathing my cheeks. Frankie was now banging his head against that same wall, murmuring 'stop' and sniffing.
I came near him slowly, grabbing his shoulders.
"N-NO! I'M B-BREAKING IT, S-STOP...B-BACK OFF!" he jumped and shoved me, my middle back hitting the wood of the bed this time.
"Oh fuck..." I winced but got on my feet, going for my cellphone. While making the call, I stood in the way between Frank and the walls to keep him from 'breaking' his head. He was a mass of nerves and I guessed his legs couldn't support him in that state, that's why he was crawling.
"Hello?" came the voice from the other side of the line.
"R-ray please h-help me he..."
"Gerard, are you crying? What's wrong?" he asked alarmed.
"It's...it's Frank. He...he's out of control...he's like...violent and I don't know how to stop him and...and he's hurt and there's glass and...I'm fucking scared Ray, please..." It was hard to speak clear when I could barely breath. Frank was furiously punching my legs and shouting to get me off the wall.
"Oh fuck, Gee...I can hear him. I'm going right now!"
"Y-yes please but...but could you go to a pharmacy and buy some kind of...sedative?"
"What? But..."
"Just...just any normal ones, whatever you can get them to sell you without prescription. I know m-my mom used to t-take them in a time. I...I...I'll just give him a bigger dose...please...OH F-FUCK!"
"Gee?"
"H-he just...bit my leg. Please, hurry. The d-door's open." I stammered.
"Ok. Leaving!"
The next minutes felt like hours. I couldn't stop crying while Frankie kept on attacking me to reach the walls. When he gave up on that, he stopped dead and stared at the floor.
"Oh no, please..." I whispered. Not minding the glass, I launched myself and held him. I let him fight, bitch, cry, scream, bite and kick. I concentrated on the only important task and endured it all, never letting him go until the door opened and I heard Ray gasp.
"Oh my God, what the hell happened here?" he exclaimed.
"G-GET OFF Y-YOU TOO. A-AND YOU LET M-ME GO, B-BITCH!" Franked growled.
"Uhm...maybe we should call an exorcist?" Ray tended to make jokes when he was nervous, just when no one was in the mood to laugh. I cursed him without words.
"Ok, sorry. I'm just...shocked. Damn you're both hurt! What...? God..." he rambled.
"Ray p-please! I won't be able to hold him for m-much longer, were you able to buy something?" I inquired, avoiding Frank's nails that were reaching up for my face.
"Yes, the girl at the pharmacy couldn't resist my charm!" he joked again. "My aunt used to take these when he was hysterical 'cause my uncle left her. She was ok with one...but it's not like she'd get possessed..."
"Uhm...get...two prepared. No, make it two and a half." I told him.
"UH F-FUCKERS! I'M G-GONNA KICK YOUR A-ASSES AND P-PUPPY WILL BITE Y-YOU AND YOU S-SUCK AND YOU'RE M-MEAN AND H-HATE ME AND I H-HATE YOU ALL!"
Ray disappeared and came back a minute later with the pills and a glass of water. Placing the water on the chair, he scratched his head, thinking.
"He's not gonna take them willingly...I guess."
"I know...can you hold him? My arms are already too tired, I'll open his mouth."
"Let's see..."
Ray took Frank from my arms, and the boy started kicking and screaming with even more force. I couldn't understand how he could still have so much energy. My friend threw Frankie on the bed, pinning him down with his whole body.
"Hurry up!" Ray called.
Keeping the pills in a fist, I tried to open Frank's mouth with my other hand, cursing several times at his bites.
"D-DO NOT W-WANT! N-NO PILLS...NO P-PILLS!"
"Frankie, you have to take them. These are not your pills, it's just for you to be able to calm down and sleep. Open your mouth?" I pleaded nicely.
"N-NO!" he contorted his body, desperate to escape from below Ray.
"Press his jaw, just when the teeth start." Ray gave me instructions as he kept Frank's hands in place.
I grabbed his jaw with my thumb and index, searching until I found the exact spots. I didn't want to cause him any pain, but I let my thoughts aside. I pressed on both sides at the same time, having the pills close enough. Finally, his mouth yielded and opened a little. I quickly shoved the pills down his throat and held his face up. He coughed and couldn't help swallowing. Then I grabbed the glass of water, and raising his head just a bit I forced it to his lips.
"Drink, come on."
"N-no."
"I think he swallowed them anyway." Ray commented.
"Ok..."
We waited for a while to be sure, and he wouldn't stop cursing and crying. After some time, I lied on the bed beside them. Ray was still squashing Frankie, but as minutes passed by the struggled eased.
"I think you can let him free now." I told Ray. He got off Frank, sitting up.
Frankie was breathing heavily and his eyes were fixed on the ceiling. When he realised he could move again, he shifted his position and got closer to me, hugging my torso. He was shaking and his heart beat so violently that it seemed it was gonna break out of his chest. There was blood all over the mattress, there was blood all over my white t-shirt and Ray's green one. The whole room was a mess of glass and blood.
I caressed the poor boy's hair, feeling his heartbeat slowly go back to normal. He looked up at me with his beautiful, big crossed eyes. They were glassy and reddened. His face was also stained with blood and his forehead was swollen. Even so, he was the prettiest boy I had ever seen. I couldn't believe the sweet Frankie who was staring at me now was the same who had tried to hurt me minutes ago.
"M-my hands h-hurt." he told me, almost voiceless.
"I know, baby." I hushed him. "Ray...would you look for the first aid kit? It's over the bathroom's cabinet."
"Sure, but why over and not inside of it?" he questioned.
"Because that way...a certain short boy can't reach them." I explained.
"Oh ok, you're right!"
Ray came back with the kit in one hand and a bowl of water in the other, a little towel hanging from his arm.
"I though we should wash his hands first, so we can see how hurt they are and if there are pieces of glass." Ray said.
"Yeah, good idea. Let's see..." I made Frankie sit down, supporting him with my own body. Tiredness, plus the effect of the sedatives, had helped him relax and he was rather feeble.
"N-no...hurts..." he whispered.
"It's just water, don't be afraid." Ray reassured him.
"K-kay. W-why are my h-hands hurt?" he asked, as I carefully got them into the bowl and washed away the blood. He hissed and tried to free them.
"Shhh...I need to clean them, it'll be done in a moment. You don't remember what happened?"
"N-no I...I r-remember I came h-here with Puppy and then...th-then he w-was talking to me and b-bothering me and...I...I d-don't know..." he spoke slower than usual. It was really as if it wasn't him who had gone wild there earlier. He truly seemed not to remember anything. I could read the confusion on his face. Maybe his mind had momentarily gone on overload, his system had failed and that wasn't registered in his memory.
"Well, you were holding the lamp and it fell and broke, and you insisted on playing on the floor the same..." I gave him a simpler version of what had happened. It was better for him not to know. In the meantime, I wrapped his hands in the towel, trying not to cause him much pain. Fresh blood tinted it.
"Oh...I...I l-liked that lamp!" he grieved.
"Don't worry, we'll buy a new lamp, prettier than that one!"
"K-kay." he nodded groggily.
"Ray, could you check one hand and see if there are particles of glass? Here you have some tweezers to extract them. I'll check the other." I requested handing him the elements. It wasn't easy to distinguish the shards, since the multiple cuts kept on bleeding. They weren't too deep, but there were a lot. His whole palms and part of his fingers were covered in little scrapes and cuts. I drenched a ball of cotton in peroxide and pressed it to his skin to help things a little. I was thankful that that I could see pretty well.
After almost twenty minutes, both Ray and I were sure there was no glass left in Frank's hands, so I disinfected them well and got the iodine from the kit. Frankie whimpered, scared.
"It doesn't hurt, I promise. See?" I applied the substance. All those wounds were gonna hurt pretty bad when dry, though.
"T-true." he recognized. He was a lot more brave than me for those things, I had to accept it.
Lastly I bandaged his hands, considering it necessary at least for that night; specially because they were still slightly bleeding.
By the time we finished, Frankie was falling asleep. I laid him on the bed so he'd be more comfortable. We had yet to check his legs. Again, Ray and I took care of one each. Luckily, the jeans he was wearing were thick enough, and only a few pieces had broken through it and into the skin of his knees. We got them out and then took off his pants. The damage was minimum there, so I only applied some peroxide. Frank didn't notice anything.
Ray then obliged me to let him check my hands. They were no way as bad as Frank's, and it was enough with some band-aids. He did have to get some glass out of my ass.
Only when we were done and I lied down myself, I took conscience of the pain in my whole body. Ray eyed me worried.
"Gee, are you okay?"
"Yeah...its just that...everything hurts. I...fell and hit my ass and my back."
"More like...he pushed you..."
"Yeah... but he didn't know what he was doing! You heard him, he doesn't even remember." I sighed loudly. Ray shook his head.
"Gerard...this time he went too far. I know it wasn't his intention, but you have to admit he got pretty violent. Maybe it's too dangerous to..."
"No it's not!" I cut him off. "He just needs to see a doctor and take his medicines. Then he'll be ok. If you're afraid and don't wanna watch him anymore then fine. I'll find another person!" I spat. I regretted it when I saw Ray's hurt face.
"Its not that! I promised you I would help you and I won't fail you. I'm just worried, this is getting harder than you had thought."
"I know Ray...sorry. I'm just...tired...and sore. Things will get better, I know they will. Oh, fuck!" I flinched at a new wave of pain. "Good that I have the day free tomorrow!"
"Talking about that, I'm too tired myself now; but I'll stay here for the night so I can help you clean all this tomorrow." he patted my arm. "Sleep."
"Thanks Ray, you rock man! Thanks for everything, goodnight"
I observed Frankie sleeping peacefully, and got his sweat-wet hair out of his face. I loved that boy. I needed to do something for him, for us. What had happened that night had scared me shitless. A lot more than I had admitted to Ray afterwards. But not even seeing Frank's violent side had made me change my mind or love him any less. I had to help him, and two more weeks was too long of a wait. Something needed to be done sooner.
I closed my eyes, an idea roaming my head.
CHAPTER 16
So never mind the darkness,
we still can find a way.
'Cause nothing lasts forever,
even cold November rain.
The following day Ray and I didn't dare wake Frank up. We thought it'd be better to wait until he did by himself and only then try to fix the chaos that reigned in the bedroom after his violent tantrum.
When it was more than 1 PM and the boy hadn't shown any signs of leaving dreamland, we decided to get to work with no more delay. We started by cleaning the walls. The hand-shaped blood prints that adorned them could have been an interesting style of art if I wasn't rather creeped out by it. They were fairly easy to wipe off though, since the paint was washable. The floor, on the contrary, was the hardest part. We carefully swept all the glass fragments into a pile and then scooped them up with the help of a dustpan, placing them over some extended newspapers. It was amazing how a simple small lamp could break into so many peaces and cover the whole floor.
By the time we had wrapped the glass to be safely thrown into the trashcan, the pain in my body struck back. I tried my best not to let Ray notice. I didn't want to hear him go over about the dangers of having a kid like Frank at home and how he could have hurt me even worse. I knew he was right. From the start I'd imagined it wouldn't be easy and now I knew just how bad it could get. Yet instead of changing my mind because of that, I was more determined to help Frank than ever.
I checked up on him. He was still sound asleep in spite of the daylight illuminating the room and the noise Ray and I had been making. Was it normal for him to sleep that much? I didn't think the sedatives were too strong, specially not for someone with his problem who surely took much stronger pills. It was probably the large amount of energy he spent that had left him so tired. He'd been too tense, too angry, too out of his mind. The strength he had displayed seemed unexplainable, it was frightening.
"It won't be easy to get rid of the blood, it's already dry." Ray contemplated the red smudged floor.
"Let me go for some cleansing stuff. Not that they're exactly made to get rid of blood, but I guess it'll work better than just water." I said. I brought the needed elements but it still wasn't working too well with the mop, so we got on our knees and began to rub the ceramic surface. A wave of pain hit me and I frowned, straightening up.
"Are you ok, Gerard?" Ray asked.
"Yeah I'm fine, just a little sore, told you."
"Sure? I can do this by myself..." he offered.
"No way Ray, you shouldn't be even helping me. Frank and whatever he does is my responsibility." I insisted. He opened his mouth to say something, but reconsidered when I went back to my task; he knew how stubborn I could be. Soon, the pain in my back was unbearable and I stopped once again.
Ray rolled his eyes at me. "Go sit there and stay quiet, for God's sake. I'll finish this."
"But Ray..."
"No 'buts'" he signaled towards the bed with his index finger.
"Ok..." I lied down slowly, not wanting to disturb Frankie.
More than an hour later, Ray left and Frank was still sleeping. I was worried, I was really worried. Should I try to wake him up? Should I call a doctor?
I got closer to him. He was breathing normally and his features denoted peace. Nothing appeared to be wrong with him. The idea of waking him up when he was having the most pacific sleep since I met him sounded like a crime, so I resolved to wait a little longer.
In the meantime, I needed something to do or I'd go crazing worrying over Frankie. I thought back to an idea I'd had the night before when all the chaos was over. I got up with difficulty, growling as my beaten bones complained. Bringing a chair from the kitchen, I stood on it to reach the top of the closet.
I wondered why lifting my arms also hurt so much. "Oh, right...I held Frankie while he was fighting like a beast for more than fifteen minutes until Ray came." I answered myself. Ignoring the discomfort, I took a big box from the last shelf, sitting at the edge of the bed with it.
I rummaged through the items inside of it, mostly things from when I was younger. I had wanted to have some memories with me for those days when I'd get nostalgic. Toys, plushes, children books and even some notebooks from my first years of school; only a few, since the rest was still at my old house. Reaching the bottom of the blue box, I pulled out a rectangular, black and gold wooden case. I opened it. Inserted on the velvety red material that covered the interior, rested an old watch. Steel, with some parts made of gold. Apart from those details it wasn't too sophisticated, but it'd been in my family for several generations. It was one of those traditions where the father was told to pass it to his oldest son -or daughter if there was no sons- on their 18th birthday. That's what my father had done, though I had never known what to do with it. It still worked, but it was so old fashioned and ugly that I could never used it. Besides, antiqueness made it valuable, so it wasn't safe to show it around and my dad would kill me if I lost it or even sold it. But, what if it was just a temporary thing? What if I...pawned it?
Yes, I'd do that, he didn't have to know. As long as Mikey didn't find out I had nothing to fear. I needed money immediately, Frank had to see a doctor. His episode had scared me and not just because he'd gotten violent against me. It also worried me that being so messed up and nervous most of time could affect his health in other ways. At one point during the agitated previous night, I had thought that he'd have a heart attack.
Fuck family traditions, I needed the money. I'd think about how to rescue the watch later on. For the moment I shoved it into my bag and got everything back in the box, repeating the painful process of the chair.
I was planning my future actions when I heard a faint cry behind my back. I turned and saw that Frankie was finally awake and sitting, looking at his bandaged hands where blood had made its way through the white material. He tried flexing his fingers and whimpered even more.
"Hey, I was missing you already. How are you feeling?" I asked in a low voice, though judging by his face the answer was clear.
"N-not good. My...my h-hands hurt a l-lot. All m-my body h-hurts. H-head also hurts, and m-my throat. I...I d-don't feel g-good, no." he rasped, tears escaping his eyes. I sat over the pillow behind him and held him by the waist. He leaned on me and I hid my nose in his hair, kissing it briefly.
"I know what can make you feel better, a bath." I proposed. He'd sweated a lot and didn't smell exactly good, but was too worn out to stand in the shower.
"B-but my hands h-hurt! H-how will I d-do to wash m-myself?" he questioned. I hadn't thought of that. Frankie seemed strangely coherent this day so far.
"Oh...you're right. Let's do something: if you promise to stay right here I'll fill the bathtub and then I'll help you, ok?" I needed to think about him before anything else, even if I knew my offer could bring some problems.
"R-really? K-kay. I...I'll s-stay here, p-promise." he sniffed, this time smiling weakly.
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