"W-what are you t-talking about? I d-didn't do anything to the ch-chair..." Frankie got into the conversation.
"I was just telling Gerard how I poured water on it by accident, don't worry." Mom lied.
"So besides that...everything ok?"
"Y-yeah, I guess. He gave us a show, introduced us to his little friends, made us play with Puppy and tried to climb the shelving. That's all." Ray enumerated.
"Th-the monkeys t-told me to!" Frank defended himself.
"I'll have a talk with those monkeys then..." I said. "You look in pain, Ray...what the..."
"Horse ride..." he stated, and now it was my mother who started to laugh. "Yeah laugh...it wasn't you who carried him and got the kicks!"
More laughs. The three of us were a choir of laughter and finally even Ray joined us.
"Oh, G-gee! D-did you b-buy food for P-puppy?" Frank had a good memory indeed. Good that I hadn't forgotten this time.
"Yes. I bought him food and also a dog plate, like it?" I showed him the round, purple article.
"Yay! Th-that's my f-favorite color!" he cheered.
"Really? It was just a guess!"
"I...I'm g-gonna feed him." he took the things from my hand.
"Wait, I'll open the bag for you."
"B-but I c-can!"
"No Frankie, no scissors for you!" I said firmly, pointing at his now discovered wrist where the carved 'i' was only beginning to heal. "Stay here"
"O-ok."
I took the bag with me and I went to the kitchen when I kept the cutlery hidden in a high enough place over the cupboard. It was even hard for me to reach it standing on a chair.
Going back to the living room, I let Frankie serve the food. Needless to say, half of it ended up on the floor. On my way home, I had already come up with the idea of emptying the plate when Frank wasn't looking and put the food in another bag to 'reuse it' later. That way he wouldn't think his dog didn't want to eat and I wouldn't be buying more dog food for nothing.
"Do you mind staying twenty more minutes with him so I can take a shower?" I asked my mother and Ray. So far I had never left him alone more than five minutes, and one of those times I had caught him trying to get into the fridge. He said it was too hot.
"Not at all. Oh and how was your first day? You didn't tell us!" my mother wanted to know. I guess Frank's actions when I arrived had made me forget about my debut at my new job.
"It was pretty good. Of course some customers are annoying, that happens everywhere. But I felt proud of myself that I was able to solve all their doubts, and my boss was happy about it. The only drawback is that I have to be standing for hours. But I won't complain, I found something a lot better than I was expecting...and a lot sooner too!"
"You're right son, you were really lucky so you better keep this job!" my mother advised.
"I'll do, trust me."
When Ray and my mom left, I let myself fall on the couch; I was wishing to make up for all the time I had been on my feet. Frankie was playing with some office sheets I had brought him, folding them in different ways. However, as soon as he saw me there, he got up and went to sit on my lap, hugging me. It seemed to have become a habit. A dangerous, uncomfortable habit. It was not that I didn't like to have him so close to me. I did, even if it was summer and his presence added more to the heat. But I couldn't decide if it was correct to feel that way.
Not helping my situation, he got even closer -if that was even possible- and started to kiss me. Little butterfly kisses all over my face. I shivered in spite of the warm climate.
"Frankie...what are you doing?"
"G-giving you k-kisses." he responded and went on.
"I...I know but...this is...you shouldn't..." I rambled. I wasn't able to find the words, I didn't know how to tell him to stop. I didn't want him to stop. But I had to... "Frankie stop..."
He stared at me sadly, disappointed.
"W-why?"
"I...I have to take care of you. I can't...you're a kid, Frankie." I looked for an excuse. I didn't think he could understand the truth.
"I'm n-not a kid! N-NO! I...I'm 18...I'm b-big! N-not a little k-kid, no." he half cried. He was breaking my heart, and I was maybe breaking his.
"I know but...you can't do that. Some people might get angry at me if I let you do those things."
"Oh...o-ok." he said defeated, though I was sure he couldn't comprehend. And then he pronounced the words I had been praying not to hear. "B-but I...l-love you, Gee..."
And those last words shook my world same as his small body was shaking against mine. Those words that he had surely heard so many times on TV had found their way into his reality. And I couldn't help the tears that rolled down my cheeks. And the sadness in those innocent, restless, hazel eyes pierced me.
"Frankie..." I attempted to speak. Was the boy aware of what he was saying? Was he really feeling that? Had he meant it in that way? Then he talked again, caressing my face with unsure fingers.
"Y-you don't l-love me?"
CHAPTER 14
Well, I must have come to that crazy age
where everything is hot,
'Cause I don't know if the things I'm thinking
Are normal thoughts or not.
I felt as if something was squeezing my heart, I couldn't breathe. The last thing I wanted was to make Frankie suffer. But what if he was just confused? What if he was only very thankful that I had taken him in, that I had cared? What if his poor head was mistaking admiration or gratefulness for love?
But...what if he wasn't?
He was looking at me, eyes full of tears. As I didn't answer right away, he withdrew his hands and diverted his eyes like a scolded child. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't be so cruel; even less when refusing would mean lying.
"Frankie...I do love you."
"Y-you do? C-can we be b-boyfriends, then?" he didn't let me finish, eyes shining. And I was about to extinguish that light again. What he wanted couldn't be. Not yet...i f ever. I needed to know how his mind would work under control, see if he would still feel the same way towards me.
"No Frankie, we can't be boyfriends."
"B-but why? I...I l-love you and you l-love me and the g-gnomes like you and also th-the little p-people and P-puppy! Th-they say we sh-should be boyfriends! See? N-now they're a-angry!" he explained talking with his hands and seemingly nervous. He got off my lap and lied down on the floor, speaking to his friends in a very low voice.
"Frankie..." I called him. I didn't want to leave things like that.
"Y-you'll say yes? Oh! One...one of th-the gnomes kicked you g-good, th-that's why!" he applauded.
"No...I can't say yes. Frankie...it's too soon! We've only known each other for less than a week. I know that we've been together all the time but it's still too soon, do you understand?"
"N-nope. Y-you said you l-love me!" he insisted. I knew it wouldn't be easy. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I couldn't lie. I did feel that I loved that sweet kid already. I wasn't sure if I was in love, but I did love him.
"I do love you, but we're just knowing each other, and right now I only want to take care of you. You need to get better first." I tried to run my hand through his hair, but he shunned me.
"I...I'm f-fine!" he crossed his arms on his chest stubbornly. The nervous tic that made him jerk his head was appearing more frequently.
"You know you still need to see a doctor so you can start taking your medication again."
"I D-DON'T WANT TO!" he screamed. I had thought he did want it, maybe he was just mad at me now.
"Frankie..."
"N-NO! Y-YOU'RE MEAN! Y-YOU DON'T LIKE M-ME CAUSE...CAUSE I'M S-SPECIAL, RIGHT? Yeah...a-another kid told me w-we were th-there cause n-nobody liked us." he cut me off again. I felt like the worst shit. Even though I had no way meant that, my inability to explain things more easily had made him think it. It was my fault.
"That's not true. People...special people...live in institutions to be taken care of when their families can't. Sometimes they're safer there." I attempted to explain. Then I decided to go for the truth, maybe he would understand some of it. "And I like you! I like you even more because you're special, really! 'Normal' ones are boring, you know? But some people would not understand. They would say it's not ok for me to be your boyfriend, and someone could want to take you away from me. I don't want that..."
Frankie froze when I said that, crawled to me and hugged my legs.
"N-NO! P-PLEASE PLEASE P-PLEASE I WANNA S-STAY HERE PLEASE!"
"Shh...calm down, come here." I made him sit next to me, my arm around his shoulders. "You will stay here, I want you to stay here with me. But you need to help me, you have to remember some things."
"O-ok." he whispered.
"You must not tell me 'I love you' or kiss me on the mouth in front of other people, not even in front of Donna or Ray. Ok?" I instructed him. Honestly, I didn't think it possible for him to remember that and comply. But I could still hope.
"Y-yeah." was his short answer. I was expecting him to ask if he could do that when we were alone, but he didn't and I was glad for that. I really did want him to do those things again, but to officially give him permission would confuse him more. It would also make it harder for me.
"And...c-can I hug y-you and k-kiss you on the ch-cheek?" he questioned with a serious face that made me smile.
"Yes, that's ok."
"E-even in front of p-people?"
"Yes. Nothing wrong with that."
Frank was in silence for some seconds, like deeply thinking about something or maybe trying to understand it all.
"B-but then...we're n-not boyfriends?" he spoke while playing with his hair. I wished I could just tell him 'yes we are', but life wasn't so simple.
"No, we're not. But I need you to know that I love you the same and will always care for you and..."
"Y-you don't like b-boys?" he suddenly asked. If he had only known what his innocent question did to me, the memories it brought back, the conflict it caused. But he didn't know and he wasn't to blame.
"I...I don't know. But I like you. "
He smiled widely, and I felt satisfied to have achieved that at last. But right after, he frowned and hit his head.
"SH-SHUT UP! G-gerard loves me! And...and h-he lets me h-hug him and k-kiss him and we h-hold hands!"
I took his wrist to stop him from hurting himself and, nearing my mouth to his head, I spoke.
"Listen you, inside there: you better leave Frankie alone and shut up or I'll kick your fucking ass!"
Frank stared at me with his mouth hanging open.
"Wow, y-you scared h-him!" he nodded.
"Yeah?"
"Y-yep! I...I guess h-he'll be back but n-now he left."
"Good that I could help you get rid of him for a while." I said. I didn't know how much of our talk he had understood, but for the moment things seemed to be well enough.
------
Days went by. Slower than I would have liked them to, but they did. Ray was having some hard times with Frankie but, as he had said, he was exercising not only his imagination but also his patience. He was proud of having found a way to keep him quiet for at least short whiles by making him listen to his CD collection. Even though the kid had demonstrated to be more into punk by influence of that friend from the institution, he seemed to enjoy any kind of rock music. Ray got him into old-school metal, like Iron Maiden. Sometimes both Ray and I would have fun seeing Frank play imaginary instruments or sing along to the songs. He learned the lyrics pretty fast. However, if the volume was a single point over what was bearable for him -which was hard to control since not all CDs were recorded at the same volume- he'd flip out. He'd cover his ears and start rocking back and forth screaming 'stop it stop it stop it!' and needed total silence after that.
Frankie appeared to be getting farther and farther away from reality. In very truth, the short moments when he was coherent were few. It was a problem for me just to leave him alone for five minutes to go to the bathroom. When coming out, I'd find him climbing something, hitting his head against the wall -he had always some bruise on his forehead- or getting things out of the fridge (among other activities). Other times I'd have to get out in a rush because he was screaming about bugs or animals attacking him.
To get him to have a whole meal without interruptions had also become a complicated task lately. Sometimes he was too hyper and would make disasters out of the food, or get on the chair to sing instead of eating. Others he'd totally space out and we had to feed him -that if he even opened his mouth. The rest of times he'd bluntly refuse to eat.
My mom kept on coming to help me as often as she could, sometimes staying for the night.
Nights...another tough subject. During many it was impossible to sleep. Frankie would keep on waking up scared or extremely nervous and couldn't fall asleep again. He would then speak nonsense for hours. Other nights he was just too overexcited to sleep.
I had found out that a way to calm him down was to read books to him. Searching my old room, my mother had located some from when Mikey and I were pre-teens. They proved to be the right ones for Frankie, since he couldn't understand adult books and would get bored. Anyhow, he'd never keep his attention on the same activity for more than fifteen minutes. If he got to twenty, you could consider it a miracle.
About his sexy insinuations, kisses and love declarations...they went on. I'd do my best not to react in a way I could regret later each time something like that happened. We had gotten pretty close though, and one day I called him 'baby' without thinking. Frank liked it, so since then I kept on doing it once in a while, taking care of avoiding it while others were present. I was getting slightly paranoid about some things.
I had caught Frank touching himself again a couple of times and also had Ray, who had been rather grossed out. Frankie would always do it through his jeans, and seemed oblivious to it same as to my presence. I had never dared to tell him anything about it.
Work had been going fine. Sometimes it was a little tiring but I enjoyed it, so I didn't care. Sarah treated me so well that most of time I'd forget she was my boss. She had gotten me a door mobile for Frankie, as she had promised. It had purple and pink transparent beads, and had helped keep the boy entertained for several minutes at least for the first days. I wasn't exactly amused with having to hear that annoying noise, but I put up with it.
Mainly, I still had two big problems. One, that I knew I wouldn't get my payment soon enough. The other one was that enigma called Frank Iero. He was surrounded by a mystery that I was determined to solve. And not only because I was curious. I also wanted to know if he had any more family besides his bitch of a mother. I had been trying to find a way to get information about him without having to reveal much. I was afraid of people finding out that I had just found him and kept him, but I needed to know if the police or whatever had some of the data that was missing in his ID. Maybe some address or family name that could help. I had asked many people -always moving among the ones I knew I could trust- but so far I hadn't found a solution.
The current overwhelming situations in my life had caused me to wish for a drink more than once. I remembered how it used to help me relax and forget all my problems. It was tempting, no doubt it was. But I had refrained myself so far, for Frank.
I had been working for two weeks when my friend Bob visited me at the store a little before my day was over. We had worked together at the comic shop, and Bob still worked there. He was three years younger than me, with blond shortish hair and a heavy build. Not fat, just strong; that kind of guy that looked like he could just beat you up. However, his light blue eyes and scant sandy beard gave away something of his true nice personality.
We decided to go for a walk. He was yet another one who knew everything that had been happening in my life thanks to Mikey. They had met when Bob and I still worked together and my brother would go there to kill time.
"You know Gerard, I've been trying to find someone to get you the information you need about that boy. Someone with enough contacts to do it." he commented chewing on his lip ring.
"And how are you doing so far?" I asked anxiously.
"Nothing." he shook his head. "But I'm waiting for an ex mate from school to call me and tell me if he got something."
"Oh but Bob...are you sure you can trust that person? Because you know, the less people who know about Frankie the better."
"Yeah he's totally trustable, relax! But it isn't him who might get the information, but a friend of his." he explained. "None of them will denounce you, don't worry!"
"So...a friend of your friend?" I chuckled.
"Actually...the brother of a friend of my friend." he answered, and we both laughed. But that didn't seem too convenient...
"Joke aside Bob...are you sure it's safe?"
"Stop worrying, man!" he threw his hands in the air.
"Well I am worried!"
"Wow Gerard, you've changed, you're all responsible now! I still can't believe you took that boy to your house. Besides the fact that he has mental problems, aren't you too young to be the father of a teen?" he joked.
"Oh, shut the fuck up! I'm not playing father! Maybe you could say I...adopted another little brother." I mentally laughed at my answer. Yeah, sure.
"Hey G-man, what about we go for some beers like in the old times?" his invitation got me off guard and I gasped.
"I uhm...I don't drink anymore, Bob." I excused myself.
"Oh, come on! Just a couple of drinks, I'm not telling you to get drunk!" he insisted. Bob had been the one to get me into the 'night world'; I had never been one for that before. When I met him, I had just broken up with my first and only love -who had deeply disappointed me-, so I accepted his invitation. Then it had become a ritual to do that at least three days a week. Bob was a good guy and friend, he just loved to party too much. It wasn't even that we'd get wasted together, he never drank as much as I did. I guess I was prone to let my drinking get out of hand.
"Bob...it's 4 in the afternoon and as I said, I'm not drinking anymore. You know where alcohol led me, you know how I lost my fucking job!" I made a point.
"Let me tell you that was rather funny." he laughed. I didn't.
"It wasn't funny, it was sad. It's a no, Bob. Sorry." I was surprised at my will power. He knew then that I was being serious and quit the insistence.
But that same will power seemed to betray me once I left Bob and headed home. He had brought back the memories and with them my craving. I was about to leave a shop after buying a pack of cookies, when an inner force I couldn't control guided my steps to the alcohol section. My right hand got hold of a bottle of whiskey.
"Just in case...I will probably throw it away. " I said to myself.
I counted my money. My mother had been lending me some to buy food. What's more, I had gotten a tip from a customer that day. It wasn't usual in that place but she had insisted, sliding the money into my back pocket. According to one of my partners, the brunette girl only wanted to touch my ass.
I paid for the things, hiding the bottle at the bottom of my bag under some papers.
Upon entering the house, I found it strange not to be welcomed by Frank's effusiveness. At first sight, I couldn't see him.
"Hey Ray! Where's Frankie?" I questioned, placing my bag on the coffee table. He pointed with his head to the other side of the room, behind the couch.
"He's been pretty quiet all day. He barely spoke and didn't seem to notice me most of time. And he practically didn't eat, is he sick or something?" Ray asked worried. Frank was in a corner of the living room, sitting on the floor with his forehead against the wall.
"Uh... not that I know. I think it's because he didn't sleep these last nights, the lack of rest doesn't help him at all." I neared the self-isolated boy.
"He's been there for about an hour. I've tried to make him get up, but he just screams and pushes me away." Ray added.
I crouched next to Frankie and saw his lips were moving, but no sound was coming out of them. I got closer to his face to make sure he'd see me first, so I wouldn't scare him.
"Frankie?" I called him softly, but he didn't respond. I lowered my voice and tried again.
"Baby it's me, Gerard..."
He slowly turned to me, still not detaching himself from the wall.
"G-gee?" he spoke in a whisper. His eyes were still, but he looked completely lost and tired.
"Yes, I'm here. Come with me?" I extended my arms towards him. He clung to my neck, but when I tried to make him get up he wouldn't cooperate. I finally carried him and sat on the couch with him.
"How is he?" Ray joined us.
"Not sure." I doubted, analyzing Frank's null expression. "Frankie...you feel ok, kid?"
"Y-yeah. F-fine, yes." he leaned his back on my chest.
"Ray, would you hand me the pack of cookies that's inside my bag? It's on top of all." I requested.
"Sure, here you are." he complied. I was glad to have hidden my bottled temptation well enough. I opened the packet and put it on Frank's lap.
"Your favorite, vanilla cookies."
"G-good." He took one hesitatingly and began to nip at it. The time it took him to end one single cookie was disconcerting, even more if you compared it to how quickly he'd eat the first days. However, he seemed to cheer up a little after that and kept on eating at a more normal pace. I caressed his hair, watching the cookie crumbs fall on his lap and my legs.
"One can see how important you are to him." Ray suddenly noted.
"I know, sometimes that scares me a little bit."
I spent the whole afternoon cuddling with Frankie in the couch. As tired as he was, he never got completely asleep. He shifted, trembled and whimpered. He seemed basically irritated and extremely deadbeat.
My attempts to make him eat dinner were futile, so I took him to bed and read something to him. Someone should have been there to take a picture of my happy face when after three days, I finally heard him snore gently.
He was fast asleep, but I had something else in mind that still didn't let me go to sleep. I made my way to the kitchen, retrieving a whiskey glass from the cupboard and setting my ass on a chair. My bag was lying on the table waiting for me to dig inside. I did so, resting the bottle in front of me, running my fingers along the mark.
"Just to help me relax and sleep. Only for tonight." I encouraged myself. I filled the glass to the middle, drinking the liquid rapidly as if that could help me think it hadn't happened. I felt it burn my throat while it made its way into my body. My head got light. I poured a little more into the glass, making it disappear as soon as before. My eyelids went heavy, and I was starting to feel sleepy.
In a sudden assault of guilt I got up with the bottle in my hand, stumbling. Lucid enough to remember not to make any noise, I got into my room and stuffed the bottle at the back of the closet. I then went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, discarded my jeans, and slid into bed.
Frankie mumbled and opened his eyes.
"H-hi."
"Shh...you gotta sleep." I semi slurred. He moved closer, too close. My reflexes weren't at their best. Before I was able to know what was happening, Frank's lips were on mine. Timidly as always, but lingering on a little more. Enough for me to kiss him back as softly as he did, not more than a peck.
I would have thought of my possible error right away if I hadn't been slightly drunk. I would have regretted it if I hadn't seen Frankie's smile as soon as our lips separated. He didn't say anything, just smiled. Afterwards he snuggled next to me and closed his eyes again.
Good that I was lying down, because my head was spinning really badly. Sleep came to me swiftly.
CHAPTER 15
Build my fear of what's out there
and cannot breathe the open air.
Whisper things into my brain
assuring me that I'm insane.
A persistent and strident sound reached my ears and pulled me out of my slumber. Instinctively, I hit the alarm clock with my palm, but that didn't stop the torturing noise. It took me a while to figure out the source of it; it was the doorbell. I glanced at the numbers shining over the nightstand-wanna-be chair: 8:03 AM.
"OH SHIT! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT..." I screamed over and over again. I had to be quick or I'd be late to work. It was true that Sarah had said it was okay as long as I was there before 9; but since she had been so nice to me I'd always try to arrive as early as possible.
Suddenly, I realised I was raising my voice too much and looked at the bed, afraid of having waken up Frankie. I was intending to let him sleep as much as he wanted. He needed it after days of hardly doing it.
"OH SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER. GERARD YOU'RE A DAMN IRRESPONSIBLE DRUNK BITCH!" I insulted myself. Frank was not there, I had fucked up again. Badly, since I knew alcohol made me sleep a lot.
"GERARD! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" another voice -that wasn't mine- was bitching at me too, joined by strong knocks on the door.
"Oh damn, Ray!" I finally reacted, running there.
I unlocked the door and left to go search for Frank without even waiting for Ray to get in.
"Gerard! What...?"
"Sorry Ray! I overslept and now I have no idea where Frankie is!" I explained from the distance.
"Calm down Gerard, this house's not that big, he can't have gone too far!" he said, catching up with me.
"It's not where he might be, it's more about what he might be doing!" I told him while checking the kitchen. I opened the fridge, gaining a weird look from my friend.
"He's always trying to get into...what if he managed to?" I clarified.
"He wouldn't fit..."
"Uhm yeah, you're right."
Ray stopped and stayed quiet, like listening to something. I did the same.
"Isn't that..."
"...splashes! The bathroom!" I completed Ray's phrase.
The door was only semi closed, so he didn't hear us enter. The big bathtub was filled almost to the top with cold water -I guessed-, since there was no steam. Frankie was standing in the middle, moving the water with his hands and dancing to the rhythm of some music inside of his head (sometimes he'd ask you if you could hear the music when there was none playing). He hadn't taken off his boxers and the long t-shirt he slept with. Just when I was about to get nearer, he slid and lost his balance.
"Frankie!" I shouted, watching him fall but unable to move. Then I saw Ray run to him; too late to stop him from falling on his ass inside the water, but enough to intercept his head before it hit the hard border. Water jumped in all directions, getting both Ray and me wet too. Good that it was summer.
"Oh God, Frankie! What are you doing here alone? Why didn't you wake me up?" I hugged him as I took him out of the bathtub.
"I...I w-wanted to come s-swim in...in the l-lake." he said, attempting to get back.
"That's not a lake, it's just the bathtub." I tried to make him see.
"N-no it's not." he replied.
"You filled it yourself...don't you remember? You don't fill a lake..." Ray helped me.
"Hahahaahaha n-no you don't! I d-didn't fill the l-lake, it...it w-was like this when I c-came!"
"Ok, then. Ray...could you take care of him and help him get dry and change? I need to be ready to leave, now." I pleaded.
"Of course! Come on, Frankie." Ray guided the boy outside of the bathroom with a towel over his shoulders.
As I walked behind them, I couldn't help but stare at Frank's small but well shaped ass, the wet t-shirt making it stick out. I shook my head and made my way to my room, slapping myself mentally. How could I be having that kind of thoughts after what had just happened? Frankie could have hit his head and died! How had I been so weak? Why the fuck had I drank when I knew so well it was a bad idea? Then I remembered something that had ocurred before I felt asleep.
"Oh damn, I kissed him. I fucking kissed the boy!"
It hadn't been anything big, but it could confuse Frank the same. And all because of the damn whiskey. It's not that I wouldn't have wanted to do it otherwise, I was always tempted to. But I would have been more...rational.
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