"Uh..." he voiced.
"What, Frankie? Does it hurt?"
"N-no...feels w-weird."
"Almost done....and...done!" my mother announced, but Frank still didn't dare to look. She pressed a cotton ball against the puncture and finally applied a band-aid over it.
"You can look now." I whispered in Frankie's ear.
"Oh! It...it has b-butterflies!" he pointed at the band-aid.
"Yes, I knew you like them." mom kissed his cheek. "Oh...Will, I was going to ask you about his weight. He's been eating a lot more since the dosage change, do you think we should control that?"
"Yes, certain medications make patients hungrier sometimes. But I measured and weighed him and he's only a few pounds over his, let's say...ideal weight. It's nothing to worry about for the moment, just take care that he gets normal portions of mostly healthy food. That should be enough."
"Oh, ok. I think Frank's perfect the way he is, but it's always good to have a professional opinion." I said, realising that my adoration for Frankie might have sounded too evident.
******
Frank slept for nearly the whole hour that we waited for the first results of the blood test. They only found -as William had suspected- that he was slightly anemic. As a result, the doctor prescribed him a complex of vitamins. He recommended it in the powder form, which could be easily incorporated into food or beverages so he wouldn't have to take any extra pills.
When I didn't speak for a while, my mother presumed that I was thinking about the costs, and asked me to let her pay for that. I swallowed my pride and agreed, I certainly needed some help in that area.
And that was all for the day. About the in-depth blood test, they'd notify my mom as soon as the results were back from the lab, but it could take some time.
After phoning Mikey and knowing that he was on his way to pick us up, we left the hospital. When we were about to get into the car, I got distracted by a toy shop on the corner. I made my way to it and stood in front of the window, hand in hand with Frankie.
"L-look, so c-cute." he signaled several carebears exhibited over a shelf, each one with its name below.
"Cheerbear." I read the bold, back letters under one of the bears; the pink one, with a rainbow on its belly. "Just like you, you're my Frankie cheerbear."
"I...I'm n-not pink and...and d-don't have any r-rainbow here!" he lifted his t-shirt giggling.
"No, but you're cuddly and cheer up my life." I told him. He smiled one of those giant smiles of his. I heard Mikey complaining and my mother telling him to shut up. I blocked it all and walked into the shop with Frankie.
Don't stop being crazy.
Wherever you go,
don't stop being crazy.
It's a lie,
It's a lie,
It's a lie we could not learn to fly.
Oh no, don't stop being crazy.
CHAPTER 45
I used to feel your fire,
but now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street
like you didn't miss a beat, yeah.
Unwillingly, I consented to stay at my mother's house until Monday instead of leaving the following day -Sunday- as I'd first wanted. Their countless attempts at talking me into waiting a whole more week had obviously failed. No way I'd sacrifice my freedom and my and Frankie's privacy in exchange for motherly care, as much as I appreciated it. I loved my mother, but the price to pay was getting too high for me. I considered that I was ready to do things on my own. Though my shoulder still hurt, I was able to move my arm well enough and I would be fine as long as I didn't try to lift it much. There was, however, something that made me rethink my decision at one point. Frankie enjoyed having a mom take care of him, and I felt selfish for not granting them more time together. On the other hand, I wasn't sure if the baby treatment my mother was giving him was actually good for him. I concluded that some things were good only to a certain extent
******
After lunch, we were prepared to go home. Mikey offered to drive us so we wouldn't have to bother Ray. My mother escorted Frankie to the car. He had his backpack on; one hand holding Puppy while the other clutched the carebear I had bought for him two days ago. It seemed to have replaced his old Teddy for the time being. Telling Puppy not to bite the bear, he first left both in the backseat and then turned to my mother.
"B-bye, Donna!" he hugged her.
"Bye, sweety, I loved having you here."
"I l-like it here b-but miss our h-house, too. And...and my p-plants."
"Ray watered them every day, don't worry." she said.
"I kn-know, but they m-miss us. " Frankie replied, kissing my mother's cheek. I couldn't deny I was glad to hear that he wanted to go home as much as I did, whatever the reason.
"Gerard, are you sure you're not forgetting anything?" mom asked me as I got into the car after Frank.
"Yes, I'm sure, I have everything here." I pointed at my bag.
"Frank's pills, vitamins? Antiseptic to clean your wound?" she leaned on the car's window.
"Yes, mom, I got all of Frank's stuff and we have antiseptic at home." I grabbed her hand, squeezing it a little. "Relax already, we'll be fine."
"I still think you should stay here longer. Or...want me to go and stay there with you? At least for some hours each day? I think I'll go right now because..."
"No, mom. It's not necessary, you're not going anywhere. You have to work tonight so all I want you to do is rest, ok?" I smiled.
"Ok." she sighed.
"Enough exaggeration?" Mikey questioned. "I'm starting the car, we're gone, bye mom."
"Thanks for that Mikey, she was getting too annoying." I chuckled, watching our mom wave at us as the car drove away.
"D-donna's not an-annoying." Frankie whispered, his head against the window. "She...she's a m-mom. M-moms ask lots of qu-questions. Y-yeah, s-saw it in m-movies."
"He's right..." Mikey stated, unconcealable emotions showing through his voice.
"Yes...that's right, Frankie. She's our mom and she loves us, so I shouldn't speak like that about her. I'll try not to do it anymore." I promised, once again realising how accurate Frank's simple way of saying things was. Mikey and I were two spoiled brats.
"K-kay. I'm s-sleepy now."
"Then lay your head on my lap and sleep, baby."
Frank didn't answer, he just made himself comfortable. When he was set with the pink toy pressed against his chest, Puppy looked at us indecisively. He tilted his head blinking a few times and barked lowly.
"Wanna take a nap too, you black furry ball?" I invited the dog, seeing him make that grimace that I was sure was a smile. He'd remind me of Frankie sometimes. Puppy walked all over his owner, making him giggle; the doggie wasn't too heavy but his paws tickled. He placed himself on my legs -using the space left by Frank's head- and yawned, tucking his little snout in the crook of my boyfriend's neck.
"Awww." I couldn't help but voice.
"Can you get any gayer?" Mikey laughed. "You just sounded like Alicia."
******
"Frankie...baby, we're home." I gently shook him, Puppy helping me by liking his face.
"Wh-what?"
"We're home. Sorry, love, you'll have to get up 'cause I can't carry you."
"K-kay." he rubbed his eyes. I got out first and held out my hand for him to take it.
"Oh, you're such a gentleman, bro!" Mikey mocked me.
"Shut up. Don't you see that he was lying down sleeping until now and could get dizzy? And anyway, what if I wanna be a gentleman for my boyfriend? You should try it, I'm sure Alicia would like a change."
"She likes me as I am."
"You're lucky..." I retorted amusingly. In the meantime, I held Frankie close to me until he seemed to feel stable to stand on his own. "You ok, babe?"
"Y-yep, fine." he picked up Puppy and waited beside me, looking around.
"What did you mean?" Mikey continued.
"Nothing, Mikes, nothing. Tell mom I'm sorry for being an asshole, will you?"
"Will do. But...don't you want me to stay for a couple of hours just in case you need something?" he got out of the car and helped me with my bag, accommodating it on my right shoulder.
"Nah, we're fine. We'll probably just sleep. Keep the car, I won't use it for the moment." I suddenly felt generous. "Just...be careful!"
"Thanks! And don't worry, I won't kill your car. Bye bro, bye kid!"
"B-bye, Mikey! Th-thanks for sh-sharing your mom." Frankie took advantage of my brother's quick hug, attacking him with a loud smack kiss on the cheek before he could escape.
"Anytime! Effusive kid you are..." Mikey went back to the car shaking his head.
When I was guiding Frankie towards our house I noticed that he looked worried, or rather scared. He clung to me and stopped, refusing to walk any further.
"Frankie...come on, we have to go inside."
"N-no..."
"You don't want to go in?" I asked, not understanding.
"Y-yes I want to be in-inside but...but d-don't wanna walk th-there." he mumbled. I still couldn't get what he meant. Mikey, who still hadn't left, was eying us weirdly.
"You know I can't carry you..."
"It's n-not that. S-safe here, and in-inside. N-not while g-going." he went on, not really making much sense to me. Maybe he was confused and didn't know himself what he was saying.
"Everything's ok, it's a short distance, come on." I began to walk, at first almost dragging Frankie until he eventually complied and took small steps, his face buried in my shirt and never looking up. He seemed to feel at ease as soon as we were inside, though I was wondering what the problem had been. I'd have to wait and ask him again when he wasn't so tired.
"Wanna go sleep a little more?"
"D-dunno." he spoke apathetically. I thought of something that could provoke a reaction.
"What do you say if we take a shower?"
"T-together?" his face popped up.
"Of course." I smiled and kissed him.
"Th-then yes."
In the bathroom, Frankie got rid of all his clothes rapidly while I had only managed to take off my jeans. He stared at me, appearing to have something in mind.
"S-sit." he commanded, patting the toilet seat. I obeyed. He lifted the back of my t-shirt and then meditated for a while before stretching the fabric on the right side. His serious, concentrated expression was adorable. So much that I was frozen staring at him.
"P-put your ar-arm out, G-gee!" he requested, and I understood what he wanted. He was helping me undress like my mother would do while we were at her house. I could do it, but it took me some extra time and pain.
"Oh...yes." After I set my unhurt arm free, he passed the shirt over my head and finally -and very carefully- took it past my sore side.
"D-done."
"Thank you very much, honey." I brought him closer, my fingers making contact with that smooth, bare skin they had missed so much. "I love you."
"M-me too, l-lots."
As soon as I had gotten completely wet under the shower, Frank made me sit on the edge of the bathtub and grabbed the shampoo, lathering my hair.
"Feels so nice." I exclaimed, closing my eyes to enjoy it. The fact that it was Frankie doing it made it ten times more pleasurable. It was a different love and care demonstration from that provided by other kind of physical contact, and he being naked in front of me was an unimportant detail.
It'd been a while since he said anything at all, so I looked up to check on him. He was fighting to keep his eyes open while he continued to massage my scalp. Giving me a tired smile, he staggered.
"Got ya." I said, my arm around his waist but still keeping some distance in between us. "I can do it, better wash yourself so you can go lie down."
"N-no, wanna h-help you." Frank insisted. And I knew he would get away with his plan. After he was done with my hair he soaped my back, my neck and my shoulders; delicately moving the cloth around my patched wound. He only allowed me do the rest when it was evident that he was too tired to stay standing. He then washed his own hair while sitting, and gave up before he got to do anything else.
"D-don't wanna wash m-myself, sleepy."
"I can help you..."
"N-no, you c-can't help me 'c-cause...'cause y-you are hurt. I h-help you. B-but now I w-wanna sleep, yeah."
Even though he looked exhausted, Frankie amazingly got part of his strength back once out of the shower. Or he at least wanted me to think so. He permanently observed me and assisted me every time I had trouble with something. His concerned behavior was so meaningful, so admirable. He was visibly worn out and not feeling exactly great, yet he was helping me.
We collapsed on the bed after that, falling asleep in seconds.
******
I woke up craving a smoke. I lazily slid off the bed and rummaged through my yet-to-unpack bag. Nothing. I next explored my jean jacket, but all pockets were empty.
"Oh, shit!" I smacked my forehead, remembering that I'd smoked my last cigarette that morning. My initial idea had been to stop somewhere on our way home to buy more. Maybe the fresh hair blowing on my face had made me forget about it. Now I urgently needed a cig.
Although awake, Frankie was still slugging in bed, petting Puppy who had proudly taken his usual spot on the pillow.
"Hey, babe." I surprised him with a kiss.
"H-hi!" he got on his knees and hugged my neck. His look was clearer and there was more color on his face, signs of an apparent good repose.
"Feel better?"
"Y-yes. I...I'm th-thirsty." he snatched the glass of juice I was holding. When he was inclining it to drink, he glanced at the balled candy I was displaying on my open hand.
"Oh..." he took it with a resigned puff and threw it into his mouth.
"The best, most obedient boy ever." I grinned. While Frank finished his juice, I sat behind him and brushed his hair. It was shiny and silky, since he would rarely object to us combing it now.
"Frankie, I need to go two blocks from here to buy something..." I informed him, knowing that he loved to go anywhere with me. His reply was unexpected.
"N-no, I'm not g-going."
"Why not? You can bring Puppy along."
"N-no." he began to tremble.
"Frankie, you know I can't leave you here alone."
"D-don't care. N-NO." he shouted. He didn't look angry at all, he was scared.
"Ok, but would you tell me why?" I questioned. He raised his head, crying.
"A-afraid."
"You're afraid of what?"
"B-bad guys." he murmured.
"What...oh...the ones who did this to me?" I deduced, pointing to my shoulder.
"Y-yes. Th-they could f-find us ag-again. I...I'll s-stay." he hugged his knees and kept crying. I couldn't believe how much I had hurt Frankie with my actions, how many consequences my stupid desire of revenge had brought. Thinking back, Frankie had refused to go anywhere with my mother while we were at her house, but we had assumed it was because he wanted to stay with me. Now I knew the truth.
"Baby, those guys won't hurt us again. The police are looking for them, so they surely left town." I lied. I couldn't tell him the real reason why I thought we were safe. Or at least hoped we were.
"S-same. I'm s-scared, d-don't make me g-go, p-please. P-please Gee." he wept. I couldn't oblige him, I didn't want to. I knew, though, that I'd have to eventually. He needed to overcome his fear and besides, it'd be a real problem if I wasn't able to take him with me whenever I needed to go out. I couldn't be calling Ray every time I had to leave for a few minutes.
"I won't, Frankie...don't cry. Come here." I called him, wrapping my arms around him protectively. I held him like that until he was pacified, the medication accomplishing its part too. I got up and he curled up on the bed, only half alert. I stared at him, trying to decide what to do. Knowing how affected Frank was had made me more desperate for a smoke.
"Baby, I really need to go out for a little while..."
"N-no..."
"You don't have to go. I'll leave you here and go running so I can come back very quickly, ok?"
"D-don't go, they c-can hurt you." he spoke shakily.
"No one will hurt me, I promise. I'll be back."
"P-promise?"
"I do."
"K-kay. F-fast, F-frankie can't be al-alone. N-never, no." He made me feel very guilty. I didn't want to go, it terrified me to leave him alone, even if for five minutes. What if he found a way to hurt himself, what if he fell? What if something did happen to me and he was left there alone? But I needed something to calm myself down, and it was either smoking or drinking. I knew there was beer in the fridge -that is if Ray hadn't thrown it away. I wanted to be strong and smoking would help me.
I thought of the perils. Frankie was rather doped at the moment, but what if he walked around the house the same? That was dangerous, especially if he went to the kitchen. He'd always see me operate the stove and oven, so he most probably knew how to do it. He might even try to stand on a chair to reach the cutlery, which would be a double risk. However, the kitchen didn't have a door, only our room did. The only solution to keep Frank away from danger was to lock him in there; but it felt so wrong.
"I'll be back very very soon, be a good boy in the meantime and stay quiet. I love you." I kissed his lips and left the room. He was watching me, sitting on the edge of the bed with a lost semblance.
"B-bye." he waved. It hurt to turn the key, it really hurt nearly more than being shot.
"It's to keep him safe." I whispered to myself, grabbing my wallet and running out of the house.
I made the two blocks in less than one minute, avoiding people along my race. I thought of how ironic it was to be buying cigarettes when I could hardly breathe. The vendor probably had the same thought, because he stared at me oddly. On my way back, I decided to walk fast instead of running. Unable to wait any longer and knowing that Frankie didn't want me to smoke in the house, I lit up a cig forthwith. My ineptitude to control two activities at the same time showed up, and I found myself slowing my pace every time I inhaled.
I was halfway home when my eyes randomly fell on a couple across the street. It wasn't any random couple, though. I stopped dead and hid behind a tree to spy on them, thanking my good vision. I ignored the girl and centered on the guy. I knew that short, lank, black hair. I knew that thin silhouette, a little taller than me. I knew that leather jacket he'd wear even under high summer temperatures. I saw him smile at the girl. I knew that smile, and I remembered how his eyes -blue eyes- would also seem to laugh. It reminded me of why I had fallen in love with Gabriel.
But then I watched the blond girl shorten the distance between them, flirtatious. He hesitatingly placed a hand on her hip and gave her the coldest, least heartfelt kiss I had ever witnessed. She brought her hands to his head, trying to deepen the kiss, but he avoided her and went for her cheek. He smiled again and I realized that it was a fake smile. This reminded me of why I had fallen out of love with Gabriel.
It wasn't because of the girl I had found him with that day, but the way he had fooled himself. It was due to his cowardice, to the confirmation that our relationship was a cause of shame for Gabriel. I would have been okay with him not directly telling his family about us, but I wasn't going to live hiding. I would have even consented to him asking a friend to pretend to be his girlfriend once or twice in front of his parents. But I couldn't be with someone who was capable of hitting on a girl and making her think that he liked her when he was one hundred percent gay. It killed me to imagine him fucking her while thinking of me. He'd disrespected her and what we had just to save himself. He was determined to keep the farce. That's when I had made it clear that he wouldn't keep me.
"Frankie." the name resounded in my head, like a call. Frankie was home alone and I was there, wasting my time, letting the resentment against my ex surface.
I resumed my walk thinking of why Gabriel had to reappear just now after months without seeing him around. Although maybe he had never gone anywhere and I'd been just lucky all that time. He was bad memories, and I didn't need them. I felt bad for his new girl, but it was better for me not to meddle.
The cigarette had consumed in my hand, so I retrieved a second one, expelling the bad mood together with the smoke.
******
Home again and with my vice satisfied, I hurried to the bedroom. "Frankie, I'm back!" I announced prior to opening the door so I would not startle him. There was no answer, not a sound could be heard from where I was standing. I went in and Frankie was nowhere in sight.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck..." I panicked, afraid that he might have swooned or fallen and could be unconscious. I climbed on the bed to look at the other side of it, and my worried frown turned into a smile. Frankie was sitting on the floor playing with his wooden construction blocks. He didn't just have the ones from when I was little. They had multiplied, since Ray had bestowed his huge collection too.
Some would wonder how seeing my boyfriend playing like a little kid could be such a natural thing to me. If we were to be honest, deep inside we all feel like playing with our old toys once in a while; only that the stupid rules and ideas imposed to us by society -or even our own family- always refrain us. Frankie didn't know about that, didn't care. He did what he felt, he was freer.
Sometimes it scared me, nevertheless. When seeing Frankie act like that, most people wouldn't believe that there was a different side of him. They wouldn't believe that he could love me in the same way I loved him. To the world, he could be a kid trapped in a teenager's body who was being taken advantage of. I knew that wasn't the case. My family and friends -even if some of them were not entirely in agreement- knew it too. But what about the others? I didn't care about what they could think, I feared what they could do as a result.
Frank stuck to working on his creation, not hearing me enter the room. He had built some sort of compact, not too tall, square fence. In the middle sat Puppy, immobile as a statue but looking accomplished. When the dog saw me, he couldn't help waving his tail, hitting the blocks and demolishing the fence.
"P-puppy, look what you d-did!" Frankie whined. The pet jumped on him and licked his nose, wanting to say that he was sorry. My laughter caused Frankie to finally spot me.
"Y-you're back!" he instantly came to sit with me, his failed construction forgotten. He was chemically slowed down, but the haze didn't reach his eyes. He pecked my lips and then changed his tone. "M-missed you. N-now you s-stay with me to do b-boyfriends things."
You could say that Frankie was two people in one, yet they were both the same and couldn't exist without each other. It was a sum I loved.
CHAPTER 46
And after all this time that you still owe
you're still a good-for-nothing, I don't know.
So take your gloves and get out,
better get out while you can.
My hand slid along Frank's cheek and went to rest at the back of his head, my fingers digging into his hair. Fingertips found the old, raised scar and caressed it; as if that could erase it together with the past, the damage. Frankie was staring at me quietly, smiling, his whole face speaking of love. Maybe I'd already managed to suppress part of that past.
I tried a Eskimo kiss, his glasses jumping on the bridge of his nose. He laughed, and his eyes sparkled. Those eyes, so tender and demonstrative. I couldn't imagine them any different; couldn't picture those pupils, those hazel irises far away from each other the same as I couldn't envisage myself far away from Frank. I accommodated his glasses up on his head, that giving me a better view of not only his eyes but his whole face. A doll.
I kissed him and while his lips responded contently, his hands acted doubtful. He wanted to make sure that he wouldn't hurt me. One hand ended on my neck, his right one landed on my chest, arm flexed in between us so we could still be very close. He slightly opened his mouth and my tongue invaded it, tasting that usual mix of strawberry and orange that I loved so much. We only made a short, necessary pause to breathe. As we continued, my hand left its spot. I didn't want it to. I liked to touch that scar, I liked Frank's hair, I liked how he'd sigh under my touch. But my other arm was still kinda useless.
I lifted his shirt, exploring under it. His shoulders, his back, his side and the perfect curve where his waist joined his hips. Frankie intensified the kiss and the hand that was on my chest went past the restraining fabric, snaking underneath it. It roamed confidently over my chest and stomach, causing my body temperature to rise. It moved to my belly, played with my bellybutton and went even lower. It even dared to venture into my jeans, though not far. It came out right away to go up again, but that had been enough to turn me on. It was, perhaps, the fact that we'd barely been able to kiss -let alone touch- for more than a week. I had caught my mother spying on us even while we were just sleeping -thanks to my insomnia. I had missed that closeness, I had longed for it.
During a new breath-pause, I looked down at Frank's lap. Just an impulse, my mind reminding me that I had to pay attention to Frank's needs. He would always be first for me.
"Wh-what?" he asked, panting. His cheeks were flushed and his lips swollen, beautiful.
"Nothing babe, I was just...taking a breath!" I was glad that he hadn't seemed to notice the growing bulge in my pants. There was none in his. That was a signal for me to not go any farther and for the little friend inside my boxers to forget and cool down by itself. And honestly, for the moment being it was better if we took it easy. Frank was still rather off with the medication -which probably kept his body from reacting normally- and I was still sore and having trouble finding comfortable positions. Thinking of how we pathetically matched in spite of all made me laugh.
"Wh-what you l-laughing at?" he failed to peck at my lips and giggled, fixing his glasses back into place.
"I'm just happy. You are...uhmf." my answer was muffled by a new, sudden lip-attack. He moved to my lap, straddling me.
As we carried on kissing, probably marking a new record, I ignored what was happening in my lower body. Doing something about it wouldn't be fair if it wasn't mutual. It was maybe another thing to blame those meds for, but not something I particularly cared much about. I could handle it. I felt in heaven just kissing Frankie and having him so close.
"C-can you make d-dinner now? I...I'm h-hungry!" Frank got off me after leaving a last kiss on my cheek. He suddenly looked like a pleading little kid again.
"Of course, wanna help me?"
"Y-yep."
"Let's go, then." I took his hand and we walked to the kitchen. Both a little sweaty, clothes disarrayed and hair messed up. But oh so happy to be home.
After dinner, as always, we cuddled on the couch to watch TV -or better said to try to. Frankie was in charge of the remote control and didn't seem to find anything of his liking. He wouldn't stay on the same channel for more than one minute, whimpering annoyed before changing it.
Bad luck wanted him to catch a movie scene where a man was aiming a gun at another. Frank made a strangled noise at the back of his throat and fumbled with the buttons, desperately trying to change the channel but unable to achieve it. He was shaking too much. Yet, he was holding the remote so tightly that it wasn't easy for me to get it out of his hands. I couldn't do it on time. The weapon was fired and he gave out such a long, loud scream that my eardrums hurt. Suspecting that there would be more shots, I clicked two random numbers and then collected Frankie in my arms. He made himself even smaller than he was, looking for shelter, trying to disappear.
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