Я уже даже и не помню, что я тогда выбрал.
Всю ночь на зоне заключенные играли в дурака на раздевание, до первых петухов.
Девушки, играя в поддавки - вы быстрее попадете в дамки.
Женщина говорит подруге:
- Какая у тебя классная прическа, тебе так идет!
- Вот и я тоже так думаю, - отвечает та без малейшего намека на скромность, - и вообще волосам нужен тщательный уход.
Тут в разговор вмешивается ее 5-летняя дочка:
- Да, мама правильно говорит, она их каждый вечер, перед тем как лечь спать, аккуратно укладывает в тумбочку.
Подходит юноша к своему деду:
- Какой месяц больше подходит для женитьбы?
- Нонтябрь.
- Но ведь такого месяца нет!
- Вот именно!!
Молодой пилот первый раз совершает посадку на маленький аэродром в ночное время. Перед посадкой решает выпендриться и показать диспетчерам, что типа крутой. Вместо обычных позывных говорит:
- Угадай кто?!?!
А дипетчер тоже с юмором, гасит посадочные огни и отвечает: - Угадай куда?!
Пророчество Конца Света:
"И Солнце в тот день не взойдет, и звезды с неба упадут. И будет на чистом синем небе белыми буквами написано:
"Обнаружена ошибка
Возможные действия:
Нажмите любую клавишу для продолжения, или
Нажмите CTRL+ALT+DEL для пересотворения мира,
в этом случае все живое на земле будет уничтожено""
За растрату средств, выделенных на строительство 27-тысячного стадиона, прораба отдать под суд, бригадира уволить, начальника строительства перевести работать в Москву, а построенное сооружение отдать под газетный киоск.
Социологический опрос среди мужчин показал, что лучший бюстгальтер - это его отсутствие.
Звонит теннисистка Винас Вильямс своей сестре Серене Вильямс:
- Послушай, Серена, я обнаружила два серьезных доказательства того, что наш папа подсыпает нам в пищу стероиды и анаболики!
- Да что ты говоришь! И что же ты обнаружила?!
- Ну, во-первых, у меня начали расти волосы на разных частях тела, где раньше не росли.
- О!
- А во-вторых - растут они на яйцах!
Охотник с собакой заблудился в лесу. Три дня ходит, есть захотел а ружье отсырело - ливень был. Долбанул он собаку свою прикладом по башке, разделал и сожрал.
Потом посмотрел на кучу костей и изрек:
- Не повезло Шарику, наелся бы сейчас.
Себе к дню рождения:
К сорока пяти годам я добился такой известности, что когда я выходил на кухню - со мной здоровались даже тараканы.
Объявление о знакомстве:
Обалденный парень познакомится с чистой и бескорыстной девушкой для романтических отношений. Раз в неделю.
- Нет у меня ни слуха, ни голоса, ни ума... Один талант!
Делай другим так, чтобы они никогда с тобой этого не сделали.
Женщина приводит мужа к врачу. Она обеспокоена тем, что супруг выглядит очень неважно и у него очень часто повышается давление. Обследовав ее мужа, врач говорит:
- В общем-то ничего серьезного нет, но вашему супругу необходим полный покой. Вот рецепт на сильное успокаивающее средство, лечение необходимо начать с сегодняшнего же вечера.
- Сколько таблеток в день ему нужно принимать?
- Ему - нисколько, а вам по одной таблетке утром, в обед и вечером.
Вовочка - родителям:
- Вот я зимой родился. Теперь объясните, откуда я взялся, аисты не летают, капуста не растет...
- Трусливый заяц смешон, храбрый заяц - еще смешнее. Достоинство сохраняет только заяц, запеченный в сметане.
Женщине столько лет, на сколько она выблядит.
- Где наши футболисты играют лучше, - в нападении или в защите?
- В казино!
Прапорщик солдатам:
- А сейчас у вас марш-бросок. А вот начальству бегать нельзя. В мирное время это вызывает смех, а в военное панику.
Сидит Чебурашка в парке на скамейке и плачет. Мимо проходит пионерка.
- Почему плачешь?
- Жизнь плохая... Вот кушать хочется.
Пионерка пошла, купила апельсинов. Чебурашка съел апельсин и опять плачет.
- Что опять плачешь?
- Выпить хочется.
Ну, купила она ему бутылку водки. Выпил он... Опять плачет.
-???
- Женщину хочется.
Дала она ему. А Чебурашка пуще прежнего плачет.
-???
- Жизнь плохая... Кругом одни шлюхи!
Снесла избушка на курьих ножках три яйца. Все три - деревянные.
"А не буду я больше поворачиваться к лесу задом", - подумала избушка.
Если вы ущипнули себя, но видение не исчезло - ущипните видение.
- Какой конец веревки нужно бросить тонущей теще?
- Оба.
Если в первом действии висит - то акта не будет!
Мужчина-зануда - тот, кому легче отдаться, чем объяснить, что ты не хочешь.
Женщина-зануда - та, которая все-таки объяснит.
Идут испытания нового лекарства. Пациенты поделены на две группы - опытную и контрольную. Один из пациентов заходит к врачу:
- Доктор, почему вы заменили мой препарат?
Доктор (очень осторожно):
- А что заставляет вас думать, что я его заменил?
- Понимаете, раньше, когда я кидал эти таблетки в унитаз, они плавали, а теперь вдруг стали тонуть.
На берегу озера сидел пьяный Змей Горыныч и пел хором, невпопад.
Наутро после первой брачной ночи молодая жена рассказывает своей матери:
- Мама, это было так классно, мы с ним трахнулись 3 раза!
- Дочка, следи за выражениями! Сказала бы, например, что вы ели шпроты, я бы поняла.
На следующий день дочь ей говорит:
- Мама, ты представляешь, сегодня ночью мы съели 5 банок шпрот, нам это так понравилось, что муж облизал банку, а я обсосала консервный нож!
Для каждого обмана или заблуждения имеется реальность, подделкой под которую они являются.
Древние киргизы не знали о существовании евреев, а потому все происходившие с ними беды относили на счет темных сил природы...
Что будет, если скрестить сибирскую лайку с блондинкой?
Одно из двух: или тупая собака, или морозоустойчивая блядь.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So while he was debating what to do about the 95%, He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said? No? I didn't get one either.
The following question was asked in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem, it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer." "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper." "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi square root (l / g)." "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up." "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building." But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!
A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the war!"
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "lovely" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a lovely dress and she looked lovely in it." "Very good, Suzie, " replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a lovely banquet and it turned out lovely." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael! " Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister announced to my father that she was pregnant, and he said "lovely, just fucking lovely!"
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? " BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate. " Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3? ' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right! " says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2? '" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said! "
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? " She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
The Gender of Inanimate Objects
-------------------------------
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male - because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
COPIER: Female - because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up; because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed; and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE: Male - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male = because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female = because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE: Female - because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY: Male - because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female - because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male - because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female - Ha! You thought it would be male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded this letter. It was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This old lady received a new radio at the lunch, and was writing to say thanks. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift.
"Dear Safety Harbor Middle School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you."
Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Gardner," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could count on you!"
The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued a pretty young woman wearing only the flimsiest of nightgowns, carrying her in his arms down three flights of stairs. As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did." "Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to save you."
Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains.
Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus.
Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.
A priest and pastor from local churches are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads: "The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver who sped by. Soon after, from around the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just hold up a sign that says 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"
The NYPD were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary." "At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost." "I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?" "Guilty." "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court." Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler. "Guilty." Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."
You know you're middle aged when you have a choice of two temptations and choose the one that will get you home earlier.
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden his fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the kid, "but my friend back there, he don't have one."
A man is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What fish?"
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage, no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."
Diet Rules For Cheaters
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
Объявление в институте:
Учитесь! Иначе праздник 23 февраля может стать для вас профессиональным!
Когда находится бутылка водки - сразу покупается еще три, чтобы отпраздновать находку.
Жена спрашивает у мужа, не хочет ли тот на завтрак яичницу с ветчиной, апельсиновый сок и кофе. Муж отказывается:
- Ты знаешь, эта виагра отбила у меня весь аппетит.
Когда подошло время обеда, жена снова обращается к супругу:
- Может, супчику подогреть? Котлеток с жареной картошечкой?
- Да нет, спасибо. Эта виагра отбила у меня весь аппетит.
Ближе к вечеру жена снова его спрашивает:
- Может, хоть поужинаешь? Я пиццу испеку.
- Я очень извиняюсь, дорогая, но эта виагра совершенно отбила у меня аппетит.
- Ну, знаешь! - возмутилась жена. - Ты как хочешь, но я зверски проголодалась. Слазь!
- Ну, Лена, ну ты даешь!
- Это вопрос или комплимент?
После сытного застолья хозяйка гостям игриво:
- Что бы я сейчас хотела, из трех букв, последняя "й"?
Кто подумал, что "чай" - пусть остается! Остальных прошу покинуть дом!
...
- Куда?! Ну куда же вы все...?!!!
- Что приходит последним в голову жуку, влетающему в ветровое стекло движущейся машины?
- Его жопа.
- Я вчера пленку с фоторужья проявил - видел там твои гланды. Ты что - застрелиться хотел?!!
Студент из крутых сдает экзамен, вкладывает в тетрадь пятьсот долларов и пишет:
"по 100 баксов за балл".
После экзамена открывает тетрадь и видит триста долларов и надпись "Сдача".
Когда-то давным-давно на свете появились люди, а потом появились вещи. И не знали вещи, кем им быть и что им делать, пришли они к Великому мастеру и спросили его:
- О, Великий Мастер, помоги нам, скажи нам, кем быть? Ответил им Мастер:
- Всем сразу я все равно не смогу сказать, я скажу вам по очереди. Вот ты, большой, белый и холодный, будешь холодильником. Иди на кухню.
И тут из-под ног Мастера выскочило нечто маленькое и беленькое и запищало:
- А я, а я?
- Подожди своего череда, - ответил Мастер и продолжил: - Вот ты, длинная и желтая, будешь скамейкой. Иди на двор.
И тут снова выскочило нечто маленькое и беленькое и запищало:
Дата добавления: 2015-08-27; просмотров: 29 | Нарушение авторских прав
| <== предыдущая лекция | | | следующая лекция ==> |