"O..h…," Her voice breaks. Stepping forward Eva folds her arms round my body, slowly rubbing her cheek against my shoulder.
We go to bed,entwining our legs, kissing deeply, soothing each other with our hands. After a while Eva manages to smile again and with an evil twinkle in her eyes she slides a leg over my abdomen and rises above me straggling my body.
"Gideon." She murmurs.
Sitting up wrapping my arms around her,kissing her deeply I roll over taking Eva with me,then I make sweet unhurried love to her.. "Beautiful… " I breath … "Always..so.. beautiful."
Nightmare …
Chapter 33.
All rights belong to Sylvia Day..
A darkness presses around a room in my mind, it drifts around then slides under like the tide, beneath the doorways. The icy darkness clings to my back, I'm frozen with shock and dread. Sounds of footsteps are magnified a thousand times, I shudder at the loathsome touch on my hand.
Christ! I'm fucked …..
I'm too little, I will have to wait patiently for this to end …..
'no….' A small voice defiantly whispers within.'no….. no more..'
Suddenly I feel older, stronger…
A bitter, hateful, revenge laden anger encompasses my mind. The immense hatred and desire for revenge is insurmountable.
Roughly I grasp him ….
He shouts out in surprise …. Covering his mouth in a vengeful,merciless lock, I brutally kick his legs apart. Every move, deliberately painful and savage.
He tried to scream.. Good … It is muffled by my hand.. He twists and turns trying to escape, the more he resists the angrier I get. I pound away with cruel barbarous movements ….
"Your going to know what it feels like." I spit out.
He stills … pushes hard dislodging my hand …. Screams …
anger..pleasure at his distress." Not so neat and tidy when your the one getting fucked."
A vague sound, a voice I love."crossfire … "
Nooooooooo.
Confusion, the door flung open, shafts of light from the lamp in the hall filter in. God no! I'm on… E..
The next minute I'm across the room, Cary, turning on the bedside light, grabbing a naked Eva who is curled into a foetal position,rocking violently on the bed.
"Eva, are you alright? " Cary gasps.
Shifting upright the last vestiges of sleep clear, my eyes meet Eva's, Oh god. I suddenly realise what I have done.
Cary rounds on me anger and disgust emanating ferociously in his face.
" Move one fucking muscle before the cops get here and I'll beat you to a bloody pulp."
Falling to the floor crouching I hide my face in my hands..
"Dream.. " Eva chokes out. " H…he 's d..dreaming."
"Jesus Christ! And I thought I was fucked up! " Cary gasps.
Eva moves to stand then collapses into Cary's arms, bursting into tears …
A sliver of ice settles in my heart, somewhere within me, my body is shutting down.I stay against the wall hunched in a protective shell.I can't look either of them in the face,I feel dirty, shameful,tainted …..
Eva is heartbroken.. Cary attempts to calm her whilst covering her nakedness with a gown.
I know better than anyone what she is feeling, how will she ever trust me again. I don't trust me … something is dying inside me.
'love ' it's dying under a plethoric of harrowing memories.My eyes close against a sudden sharp image of me unknowingly hurting Eva whilst in the grip of a nightmare. She had been raped, violated in her youth,it's obvious to me now,I can never be right for her, I'm too broken …
My whole life is now on the periphery of hell,I want to shut everything back into its box and go back to how I was pre Eva …
But I can't ….. The loneliness of life without Eva is too painful to contemplate. A corrosive bitterness floods my mouth, I am too twisted for someone like Eva. I've never wanted to hurt any woman,yet it seems through my nightmares I'm perfectly capable of doing just that. Shame is heavy in my gut … She deserves better than me, rising I make to collect my things.
Cary and Eva are in the main room,as I make to fasten the duffel bag..
" What are you doing?" She whispers.
Backing away from her,needing the distance if I'm going to be able to see this through."I can't stay."
"We agreed …. N..no running, " she stammers.
My temper spikes … " That was before I attacked you! "
" You were unconscious,"
"Your not going to be a victim ever again. My god … Eva. " My temper fades, I have no right to it " What I almost did to you." I whisper.
Turning away,I can't stand looking at her,my conscience is stricken with guilt,I have never felt so totally alone, crushed …. heartbroken ….
" If you leave our pasts win,If you give up now it will be easier to stay away and for me to let you.We'll be over,Gideon."
Each word pierces my soul …turning around to face her.
" how can I stay? Why would you want me to?I'd kill myself before I hurt you."
Eva starts to gently cry again. "You'd never hurt me. " She murmurs.
She is wrong, she knows it's possible.
"Your scared of me. I can see it on your face. I'm scared of me. I'm afraid I might hurt you in my sleep destroying both of us."
She said nothing,just stood silently pleading with me.
"Eva.. I.." I needed to go. Let her go.. despair threatened to overwhelm me.
"I love you, Gideon."
How can she? I am revolted at myself.
"God! How can you say that?"
"Because it's the truth."
"You just see this. " Waving my hand at my face in disgust, "your not seeing the fucked up broken mess inside."
" How can you say that to me? " The first sighs of Eva's normal behaviour surfacing with a fission of temper."When you know I'm fucked up and broken too."
She's fighting for me..or probably for both of us.. this only makes me feel more wretched.
" May be your wired to go for someone who's terrible for you." I hit back.It came out crueller than I had intended.
"Stop it! I know your upset, but lashing out at me is only going to make you feel worse." She warns.
Stepping towards me arms outstretched, I hold up my hands,shaking my head.
"I'm going home, Eva."
"Sleep on the couch.Don't fight me Gideon. I 'll worry myself to death if you leave. Please."
"You'll only be more worried if I stay." I stare at her, she's everything I want and need,but I've fucked it up, she'll never truly forgive me.
Covering the few feet between us taking my hand,
"W..e'll.. get through this." she shook slightly as she spoke betraying her nervousness. " You'll … t..alk to Dr Peterson and we'll go from there."
Lifting my hand to move a tendril of hair off her face," If Cary hadn't been there …" I whisper.
"He was. I'm fine."She said more assuredly. " We'll get past this," walking into my arms and hugging me close." We're not going to let the past get in the way of what we have."
"Eva,….. Please forgive me? I'm sorry it's killing me.. forgive me … please.. I can't lose you.. "
"You won't. "
My hands are shaking as I stroke the curves of her back " I'm so sorry.. I 'll do anything. "
"Shh. I love you.We'll be okay " She soothes.
Softly I kiss her tear strained lips " Forgive me.. I' afraid of what I'll become if I lose you."
"I not going anywhere. I 'm here, no more running remember. "
I stop the soft glides over her back,staring intently into her eyes. My heart is blown wide open at her kindness, her forgiveness of the unforgivable. Tilting my head I seal my mouth over hers, coaxing her mouth open with my tongue, she relaxes into me and I pull her closer, cupping her breasts,gently kneading them, circling her nipples until they are stiff and arched. Eva moans into my touch, desire ripples through me, I need her, I need to know if she can still take my touch, accept me into her body, I need this assurance that her desire for me has not been damaged.
Shaking slightly I pull back " Eva? " I whisper.
" I.. I.. can't." She whispers. Waves of painful emotion flood my chest. " Just hold me,Gideon."
I nod and together we sink to the floor,she curls into me,arms tightly wrapped around my waist, kissing her forehead I continue to beg for her forgiveness,saying how truly sorry I am.
"Don't leave me, "she whispers."Stay."
I say nothing, make no promises, for I truly do not know what to do, there are too many conflicting emotions to enable rational thought, so I cling on holding her tightly, may be for the last time …..
Chapter 34.
Surprisingly, Eva falls asleep within minutes of us falling to the floor, her sweet face has small worry lines which I try to smooth out with my fingers.
She's probably exhausted by the emotional turmoil from tonight's earlier calamitous episode. However, the oblivion of sleep is denied to me, everything just feels too raw, shame and guilt all fight for prime position and it torments me that I am able to hurt someone who I adore.
I couldn't answer her when she asked me to stay, I could make no promises.
How can I?
When I am unsure whether Eva and I can survive tonight's events. Grief overwhelms me as I consider the prospect of life without her, I not sure I'll survive, my life will be an empty vessel, barren and totally alone.
Maybe I can watch her from afar…This might be my only option.
I don't blame her for refusing me earlier I understood why she said no.
Her refusal is torturing me, if she is unable to feel the same desire for me as I do for her or when we make love the shadow of abuse acting like a third abusive person in her mind, desecrating the purity of our lovemaking. We will be unable to go on.
And will Eva have the confidence to sleep with me again?
Christ! Even I don't have confidence in myself.
The reality of the possible effects from tonight's devastating occurrences shoots a chill of grief through my veins, it is sharp and painful, consuming every part of me.
Perhaps I should leave now... Save Eva the heartache of asking me to leave, or her waking up in the morning knowing deep down in her soul that she'll never feel safe with me again.
Not yet, I whisper. If this is going to be the last time I hold her can't I have a little bit longer?
Clutching her closer I bury my nose in her hair breathing in her soothing aroma. Slowly... calming ……Hmm, Eva's warm body presses into mine, her hand sliding slowly down under my sweatpants softly stroking my cock up and down with feather light touches.
My arousal is instantaneous...stirring...awareness bolts through me."Eva... " Does she really want to do this?"Let's forget." She whispers."Make me forget, Gideon. "Something sharp and painful inside me eases slightly."Eva." I breathe, rolling into her and tentatively peeling off her robe.
She is similarly tentative, gently pushing my sweats down then removing my top. We both approach each other as if we will break, every touch soft and careful. We're both aware how fragile the bond between us is."I'm so, so sorry," I murmur, again and again as I caress her breasts and stroke her sides over and over.
Lowering my head I nuzzle at her breasts, covering her nipple with my mouth taking long deep sucks, caressing her neglected breast with my hand."Gideon. "She breathes."Don't be afraid of me, "I whisper.
I can feel Eva's heart and it's going twenty to the dozen."Don't pull away from me."Moving my head lower down to kiss her tummy, she instinctively makes room for me, spreading her legs wide.
Keeping one hand on her thigh the other to spread her soft folds then dipping my head to taste her, flicking soft strokes over her clitoris. Eva's back arches and hoarse pleas leave her lips as I dip my tongue inside her, pushing her into orgasm."I can't let you go, Eva." I whisper, as I lever over her body watching the orgasm ripple through her. "I just can't."Tears run down my cheeks unchecked, gently Eva wipes the tears away "I wouldn't let you leave if you tried." She murmurs.
Her words give me courage, taking my cock in hand and aligning it with the entrance to her body, I slide carefully inside her, once she has taken all of me I settle my weight upon her.
Eva's heart flutters in panic, she screws her eyes shut.
My heart sinks "Look at me, Eva." I sob.
She peeps up, relaxing slightly."Make love to me Eva, make love with me. Touch me, angel. Put your hands on me.""Yes," She rasps, stroking her hands down my back onto my ass pressing down and squeezing urging me to move faster and deeper.
Pulling her legs up, wrapping them round my waist I plunge deeper, I can feel her earlier tension beginning to leave.
Throughout tears course down both our faces."I love you, Gideon."I can't bear hearing her saying it after what I've done."Please... "I sob."I love you... " Eva's louder more determined.
Thrusting harder into her "Come, Eva. "She seems to struggle, unwilling to let herself go."Please, Eva. I need this. I need you to come."Lifting her hips so she rests on her shoulders, I plunge deeper, hitting the front wall of her vagina, quickening my strokes until she's panting and crying out as she climaxes violently.
To stem her cries she bites my chest making me groan in agonized pleasure."More," I rasp.
Thrusting even deeper and losing control, I'm hitting her back wall again and again, in the urgency to reach my own climax. Eva's slight gasp of pain and pleasure from this deep penetration punches through my muddled brain.
A stab of guilt runs like acid on my tongue. I don't deserve this … I don't deserve her."No! " I cry wrenching myself out and moving off her body to the side, covering my face with my arm.
I lay panting heavily, then "Damn it, Eva...Fuck!"Eva has swept down my body grabbing my throbbing cock and is alternately sucking the tip them running her hand quickly up and down the shaft."
Ahh. Christ... fuck... suck it hard angel. "I explode filling her mouth with semen, as she licks and sucks me clean until I beg her to stop. Sitting up I take her into my arms and bury my face in her neck and sob…Sob for both of us until dawn.….. ….Waking I still feel like hell, although Eva initiating our lovemaking earlier has allayed some of my fears. The shadow of the nightmare still torments me, I shudder at the memory of it.
Rising and taking a shower I'm dressed and in the kitchen making coffee when Eva makes her appearance. She's dressed all in black, I've never seen her wear such a dark colour before, assuredly it reflects her mood.
Her blonde hair shines like a halo in contrast to the sombre colour, it's striking, making her more radiant and alluring.
Pulling her close taking her face between my hands and gently brushing a kiss across her lips."Lunch?" She asks."I have a business lunch.Will you come? I'll make sure Angus has you back at work on time." I quietly murmur."I'd love to come along. And tomorrow we have the dinner at the Wardolf Astoria? "Ah, yes. I'd had Scott send Eva an itinerary of meetings and events I'd wanted Eva to attend with me. Eva hadn't mentioned them yesterday so I am unsure whether she is willing to devote so much time to business events.
Eva's socializing prior to me has been personal, timeout from work to relax and have fun. My social life is very organized, a far cry from Eva's vision of a good night out. It will take some time for her to adjust. The small reminder of tomorrow's event is encouraging. I'm blown away by her open commitment and show of strength."You really won't give up on me will you? " I quietly murmur.
Lifting her hand to show me her ring," You're stuck with me, Cross. Get use to it."The drive to work is a quiet affair, both of us still sore and battered from the previous evenings events. We touch though, snuggling into each other, both of us needing contact to reaffirm our bond and love.
The business luncheon is pretty much the same, driving over Eva sits holding me close, few words are spoken they're not needed. At the table Eva is quiet, sitting at my side holding my hand as I discuss the new property development at St. Croix, both of us choosing to eat one handed rather than break the connection.
My business associates didn't know quite what to make of it, but wisely chose to make no comment.
All these small touches and quiet affirmations of her commitment to me boost my confidence, and slowly I feel the horror of the nightmare slide to the back of my mind enabling me to function again. More to the point I have a belief that maybe, just maybe, we can survive this.…...I have a boatload of work to catch up on. Knowing Eva is going to her Krav Maga class tonight I arranging for Angus to take and collect her, I settle down to a long afternoon.
I've decided to work late and go to Dr. Peterson's from here.
Raul collects me from outside the Crossfire, Angus is chauffeuring Eva. I'm not looking forward to this but if it's a means to an end I'll do it.
Eva is undoubtedly braver than I am. She has met her demons head on, whilst I've spent my life trying to bury them deep in my mind.
At the doctor's office I don't have to wait, apparently he doesn't do many late evening sessions, although he has made an exception for us.
No doubt at a premium price, not that the cost concerns me, just an idle thought… Any thought really to stall before I have to reveal all.
Once settled, the usual platitudes over with he begins,"Gideon, would you like to start, or have you anything you wish to discuss first."Yes … Something happened last night... something bad...I... "I break off, shuddering at the memory."I attacked Eva. " I bit out.
There's a slight pause.
"How?"
"I was having a nightmare."
Screwing my face in disgust "I enacted out what was happening."
"Did you hurt her?"
"No...well yes. Not physically, her flatmate intervened, though I did hurt her emotionally. You know what Eva's been through... and I... I... Christ! I...I nearly... she was nearly violated again."
"Is she alright?"
"Yes, not at first. However, she's been so forgiving, so kind. "
"Let's back up a bit, Gideon. What are these nightmares about?"
"When I was a child, I was raped repeatedly …"
I carry on to tell him about my childhood, I don't actually name my abuser, I'm not ready for that, though I did explain how he was an assistant to a psychiatrist my mother had had to attend to me.
This is the only moment when he seems to react, his eyes momentarily widen, before he restores his calm professional façade. I can see he's intrigued and annoyed by the tightening of his mouth, and doubtlessly he wants to know who this fiend is in his field of work. He doesn't ask or push for details, he knows I'll tell him when I'm ready to.
My head is bowed, it is so difficult to talk about this. I speak reluctantly.
"Nobody believed me you see," I explain. "Even the specialist my mother took me to have me examined lied to protect one of his own. My own brother lied. Attention seeking, that's what it was put down to… So I buried it, ending up blaming myself in a quicksand of self blame. As a teenager I was anxious, felt sadness, shame, self blame and guilt. I was totally alienated from my family. The hopelessness empowered me to survive, and to get away… I worked hard, ferociously, so I could leave home, to this day I rarely go back. "
"I know from the press attention you garner you've had other relationships, have you hurt someone before?" He probes.
"No." I go on to tell him how I previously conducted my sexual relationships with other women.
"If this has worked before, though I admit I don't advocate this lifestyle, why change now? What's different? "He wonders.
"Eva." Is my simply reply. Meeting his eyes for the first time in what seems an age.
"Eva? "He asks.
Taking a deep breath...
"I have been outwardly successful in most areas of my life." I try to explain. " Eva is the only person who has looked within and seen the hidden wounds. I know I have been deeply injured as a child. Yet have always felt it was my fault, my abuser told me so. As a child I believed him. Yet meeting Eva has opened this wound, I long to be with her, I know she's the one for me. But… God! I'm frightened my past will ruin us. I'm frightened I'll hurt her while I'm asleep."
" Gideon, living with abuse leaves indelible wounds, these can be harder to heal than bodily injuries. Therapy is a proven aid in understanding, expressing and letting go of the pain that stems from an abusive experience. Having negative feelings is not uncommon, but it can be worked through in time, with good therapy. The nightmares are post traumatic stress.
"He pauses to ensure I have his full attention.
"The shame you seem to be expressing is common, the abuser uses this tool, making you feel ashamed, guilty, even deserving of the abuse. Whereas, in reality males respond physically to stimulation, even in traumatic circumstances. It doesn't mean you were a willing participant. The abuser uses this to maintain your silence.
"I nod slowly absorbing his words."
Gideon it is my job to examine and challenge such illogical beliefs. Helping you to accept it wasn't your fault.
You were a child, with a child's thoughts and strength. Abusers look for weakness, children unfortunately are usually the victims. "
" You think it is possible then for me to have a normal relationship?" The golden question.
"Certainly, with time and help." He asserts.
"The nightmares?"
"Yes, there we can take immediate, although temporary action.
There has been documented sleep studies on 'a typical sexual parasomniac's'. "He went on to describe some cases, adding " I can prescribe you some medication to take before sleeping, it will give you a dream free rest, though you will sleep heavily. With the medication and therapy I believe we can overcome this."The session ends soon after this. I'm not quite sure how I feel, this is the first time since being a child I have voluntarily spoken about my past. In some ways its a weight off my shoulders in others its so painful reliving it all again.
Either way it's a start.
I decide to go home first to shower, change and pack a small bag to take to Eva's, that's if she wants me to stay.
On the way over I pick up the medication, just in case…
Chapter 35.
On the way to Eva's I start thinking about Nathan and how Eva's life has been affected. Her emotional vulnerabilities, and her dependence on others such as Cary for support. If Nathan ever emerges out from whatever pit hole he now resides in. How would this affect her?
What affect am I having on her?
I'd come to Eva broken and in denial of my problems. She has given me the love and wherewithal to face my demons, a chance to try and reclaim a full life. However, at what cost to Eva?
With these pensive musings I quietly make my way into Eva's apartment."Hey." She softly calls, turning to face me.
I haven't eaten since lunch and I'm famished, the delicious aroma of freshly cooked food pervades the room on entering the kitchen. "Smells delicious in here,"
"I hope you're hungry, I've made loads and I'm not sure if Cary will be joining us."
Dropping my gear onto the breakfast bar I cautiously approach her, searching her face intently for any signs of fear.
Lifting the garment bag in one hand," I've bought something's over in case I stay. I don't want you to feel pressured into this. If you want me to go, say. Just tell me."
"No. I want you to stay here." She sighs.
We're both being cautious, tentative with our words and movements.
"I want to be here, Eva. Can I hold you?"
"Please," stepping forward into my arms she squeezes tightly. I can feel her nervousness.
"How are you doing? " I whisper.
"Better... now you're here."
"Me...too." Kissing her forehead, "I don't know how we're ever going to fall asleep next to each other again."
Eva draws back studying my face, "we'll figure it out."
Holding her for a few seconds in silence, I have to ask…
"Has Nathan ever contacted you?"
"No! " She sounds surprised, alarmed at the direction of my thoughts.
"Why do you ask?"
"It's been on my mind today. We have a lot of baggage between us."
"And are you thinking there's too much?"
"No. I can't allow myself to think that way."
Eva looks nonplussed shaking her head slightly."What's going through your mind? "
"Thoughts of food," she breezes. "I'm starving. Why don't you go and see if Cary is joining us."
I don't press any further, whatever she is thinking she isn't willing to share. Maybe she has the same fears that I have?
….
Cary is asleep so we eat a candlelit dinner for two, casually dressed in T-shirts and pyjama bottoms.
"Eva, I had lunch with Magdalene yesterday in my office," better she finds out from me.
"Oh. "Her voice has an acerbic edge.
"Don't take that tone with me." I admonish." She sat in an office full of your flowers with your picture blowing kisses at me."
"Sorry. Knee jerk reaction. "
Smiling I lift her hand to press a hard kiss on the back.
"I'm relieved you can still get jealous over me."
I then go on to explain my reasons for seeing Maggie, to show her the video and to warn her away from Christopher. Explaining how I had downloaded the video from her phone.
Eva's reaction is fury, not for telling Magdalene but at my arrogance for taking her phone and in her opinion invading her privacy.
"You can't just hack into my phone, Gideon."
"I haven't, you haven't set a password yet. " Defending my actions.
"That's not the point! It's a serious fucking invasion of my privacy. How would you like it if I went through your stuff?"
Handing my phone over to her,
"I've nothing to hide.And you won't either. "
"That doesn't matter. I've a right to privacy. You must ask before you help yourself to my information or belongings. You have to stop taking whatever you want without my permission. "
I can't understand her mindset here, to me I'd done nothing wrong.
"What was private about it?"I frown."You showed it to me yourself."
"Don't be like my mother, Gideon." She shouts." There's only so much crazy I can take."
I sit back, surprised at how upset she is. It doesn't make sense to me. To avoid further argument. "Okay, I'm sorry."
"Sorry I'm mad, or sorry you did it?"
I couldn't lie… after a short pause and further thought," I'm sorry You're mad."
She looks perplexed, though slightly calmer," Gideon, why don't you see how weird this is? "
"Because I spend a quarter of everyday inside you. When you set limits outside that I can't help but see them as arbitrary."
"Well they're not. If you want to know something then ask me."
"Okay."
"Don't do it anymore, "she warns."I'm not kidding."
I wasn't going to promise not too, I don't see why I should.
"Okay, I get it." I don't really. That is as good as she is going to get, thankfully she accepts that and moves on.
"What did she say? "
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