And there he was again. That face. That stare, so close to me. He had even managed to keep his eyes still. His mouth was hanging slightly open, I could feel his warm breath on my cheek.
"W-who do you l-live with?" he muttered, keeping that same perturbing distance.
"No one..."
"W-why?" he kept on asking.
"Well...I had found a job and it was too far from my mom's house so I moved alone."
"S-so you do h-have a job!" he got confused.
"No, I lost it."
"Hahaha h-how do you l-lose a job? It...it's n-not a th-thing..."
"Being stupid..." I answered with the absolute truth. Frank didn't seem to get it, but didn't ask either. He got close to my ear and whispered: "Y-you won't be a-alone anymore." in that unthinkable seductive voice. Then he sat back quietly and eventually looked like he was falling asleep. I think he did for a short while as the hours went by.
"N-NO! OH MY G-GOD! OH M-MY GOD! H-HELP ME! P-PLEASE H-HELP ME!" he screamed making me jump two feet off my seat.
"What is it Frankie?"
"OH M-MY G-GOD S-SPIDERS...T-THEY'RE ALL O-OVER ME T-THEY'RE GONNA K-KILL ME!! H-HUGE!" he had gotten himself free of the seatbelt and was standing on the seat shaking his legs and arms desperately, crying. His face was white as paper. Thinking that arguing with him would make things worse, I decided to stop the car. Opening his door I took him to the sidewalk.
"Listen to me Frankie, I'm gonna get rid of the spiders, ok?"
"O-OH MY GOD, OH MY G-GOD. P-PLEASE I...I C-CAN'T BREATHE...I...I'M S-SO SCARED. C-CAN'T TAKE IT." he shouted staring at his body terrified.
"Shh, you're fine. See? I'm getting rid of them." I hushed him while sweeping away the arachnids that his mind had created with my hands. Then I began to stomp on the ground. "And I'll kill them. Better?"
He looked around unsure.
"S-sure that t-they're all gone? I...I c-can't stand t-them. N-no I can't. N-no spiders. N-no p-please..." he repeated gravely and sat down. I lifted him from the floor and took him back to the vehicle.
"Are you ok, Frankie? You're still too pale."
"I...I d-don't know. Th-the spiders! They..." and before he could finish the sentence he fainted. Quickly I checked to see if he was ok, fearing he could have a heart attack. But he was breathing; and his heart, though surely accelerated, kept a steady rhythm. I accommodated my hoodie in between the glass and his head and let him sleep.
I took a look at my watch. We could be home in 3 hours, but I was too tired. I didn't trust myself on the wheel for that long. I meditated for a few minutes. There was only one thing that could be done.
Gathering courage I took out my cellphone, which had been off during all my trip. My fingers trembled as I pressed the number on the memory.
"GERARD? FUCKING SON OF A BITCH WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FOR ALMOST A WHOLE DAMN WEEK?" came the angry screaming voice from the other side of the line.
"I...I'm sorry Mikey. I needed to disconnect myself from everything, I went to see dad." I answered expecting more of my younger brother's rage.
"Yeah right...you just keep doing what the fuck you please and having us all dead worried about you!. We kept calling you to your house and nothing. After three days I was about to break into to see if you weren't dead in there! Luckily, I found Ray and I saw it in his face that he knew something; he finally had to tell me where the fuck you were."
"Sorry Mikey, really...if I had told you..."
"You didn't tell me because you knew what mom and I would have thought, that's it! Look, Ray didn't give me details but I can guess what you went to do there. You could have answered your cellphone at least! " he continued, furious as I had never heard him before.
"Mikey...can we leave this for later? Right now I'm driving and I still have three hours ahead. But I'm too tired to drive so much...and...I'm not alone." I cut him.
"What do you mean?" he asked. And then I told him about Frankie as briefly as possible. There was silence on his side. Then it exploded.
"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, GERARD? ARE YOU THAT FUCKED UP?" he seemed to calm down for a moment. "What crossed your mind when you decided to let a lost crazy kid into your car? He can be a psycho killer for all you know! Or you could get into big trouble!!"
"He is not a psycho killer, you'll see when you meet him. And about trouble...I'm prepared to take the risk, I want to help him. Are you gonna be home?"
"Mom has to work but I'm here studying with Alicia, why?" he answered. Yeah sure, studying.
"We'll be there in about an hour." I dropped the bomb.
"W-WHAT? ARE YOU GONNA COME WITH..."
"See you, Mikes!" I ended the communication before he could protest further.
CHAPTER 8
My heart has been strapped in a straight jacket love.
The therapy boys say it fits like glove.
I'm grossing the line in my brain,
the line between pleasure and pain.
It takes all I've got to survive,
this madness will eat me alive.
"IERO!" Frank woke up impromptu and shouted.
"What?" I asked, not having been able to understand him.
"Is I-iero." he said once again.
"Iero? What does it mean?"
"I...I d-don't know w-what it m-means, dumb! B-but that's m-my last n-name. I r-remembered."
"Oh! That's awesome, Frankie! Can you spell it out for me?" I difficultly grabbed a pen and a notebook from under my seat, making sure to keep my other hand on the wheel.
"Y-yeah, think s-so." he nodded.
"Ok, tell me."
"i-e-r-o." he said confidently and I wrote it down without even looking at the paper.
"You sure?"
"Y-yep. H-heard it while I was s-sleeping. B-but...it h-happened. G-grace was s-speaking on the phone and I h-heard her. Th-then I woke up and r-remembered that was my n-name. Y-yes." he explained. His speech was a little messy. I couldn't completely figure out whether he meant it was a dream or something that had really happened. Or both. But I didn't want to tire him with more questions.
"Veeery good! Then I'll say again: pleased to meet you, Frankie Iero!"
'P-pleased to m-meet you, Gerard W-way!" he said giggling.
We arrived to my family's house only fifteen minutes later than expected. I hadn't been around for the last two months but nothing seemed too different. Only that the sides of the gray stone path were packed with new flowers. They were all either yellow or orange -the typical summer colors- and even with that pale moon light they seemed to glow. The rosebushes were in bloom and the grass was a vibrant green. Ok, maybe the garden did look different after all, but it was the usual beauty summer would always bring.
Frankie released himself from my grasp with a tug, attracted by a bush of velvety red roses. He ran there and smelled them, raising his hand to take one.
"Frankie, don't touch them! They have tho-"
"OUCH! It s-stung me!" he shouted before I could finish my warning.
"Roses do that! Come here, let me see your finger." I called him guiding him to the porch light. When I grabbed his hand he shuddered. I examined this thumb. Part of the thorn had clung to his skin but only superficially, so I removed it with ease.
"You're ok, don't worry. Just remember not to touch those plants again!" I said knowing it was probably pointless.
Standing in front of the big, dark green wooden door, I hesitated. Frank eyed me expectantly.
I suddenly remembered that the bell didn't work the last time I had been there. Knowing my brother, I didn't think it could have been fixed. I knocked and waited.
"Coming!" a female voice answered.
Seconds later the door was opened and we were welcomed by Alicia, Mikey's girlfriend. She had shiny black hair tied in a ponytail, but it was a mess, loose locks sticking out everywhere. She also seemed slightly out of breath.
"Hi Alicia! Studying too hard?" I greeted her with a crooked smile.
"As always! Hello Gerard, I haven't seen you in weeks!" she answered grinning. "And this must be Frank..."
"Frankie." I quickly corrected.
"Oh sorry, Frankie...how are you honey? I'm Alicia, Mikey's girlfriend."
Frank took a step forward and offered her his hand.
"H-hello! I...I am G-gerard's...uhm...f-friend!" he introduced himself. Instead of shaking his hand, Alicia brought him closer and kissed his cheek. I could notice her famous 'aww' face.
"Awww he's a cutie!" she exclaimed confirming my thoughts. Girls like her were suckers for boys like Frankie.
"Ok Al, calm down, he's not a dog."
"Oh b-but I have a d-doggie!" Frank said.
"You do? Sweet!"
"Yep! H-he's called P-puppy." he commented.
"Can we come in now, Alicia? I'm drained!" I interrupted their socialization.
"Of course Gerard, it's your house after all!"
We entered the house, the one that had been my home for more than 20 years. No change had been made on the inside since my last visit. As always, everything was in order. My mother was pretty much obsessive about that; or maybe I was too careless. The beige curtains were impeccable and neatly ironed. The brown carpet was clean and kinda puffy, giving that feeling like you walked on air. The shelves, as well as the pottery on them, gleamed.
"Oh! The prodigal son has decided to finally show his face!" was the first phrase coming out of my brother's mouth. He was sitting on our old maroon couch, his long thin legs stretched over the coffee table.
"Mikey please..."
"PLEASE? FUCK YOU, GERARD! YOU CAN'T FUCKING DISAPPEAR JUST LIKE THAT!"
"Mikey please, don't scream. Not in front of Frankie, I beg you." I told him. Frank hugged my waist trembling, like seeking protection.
"Look...brother, you know I'm usually patient. I'm not one to snap at any stupid thing. But you've crossed the line lately. Sometimes I feel I'm the big brother here. You don't tell me about your life anymore. I had to find out that you lost your job through Bob! And now you ask me to hold myself back from speaking my mind just because of what the stranger you found might think?" Mikey spat. And he was right about me, I hadn't been fair to him.
"No Mikey, it's not what Frankie will think. Didn't you hear what I told you on the phone earlier? He needs tranquility, not screams and fights. You are right, I fucked up big time. And I'm sorry, I really am. I made this trip because I've decided to change my life. And yes, as you guessed I did ask dad for money, but I'll pay him back some day. Now please, can we have a nice night and leave the arguments for another moment?"
Mikey listened to me and his face softened. He fixed his white rimmed glasses on his nose and got up, walking towards me.
As if understanding it all, Frank let go of me and sat on one of the small black sofas.
"Sorry Gee, I'm glad you're okay and back home." Mikey looked me in the eyes and finally gave me a huge hug, which I reciprocated. I kissed his head as he placed it on my shoulder. He had always been taller than me.
"It's ok, I understand your frustration." I said. Mikey parted just enough to glance at me.
"Gee, you look like shit. Sure it's only lack of sleep and tiredness?" he questioned worried. I knew what he was implying.
"Yes, Mikes, I didn't slept for two nights, just that. I haven't had a single drink this week, I swear. Chill, I'm not that lost!"
"Well, the last events before you left said the contrary, you know?" he insisted. I sighed, sitting down next to Frankie.
"I know, but that's in the past, I think I stopped things on time. I have little Frankie here who needs me." I said caressing his hair. He looked visibly nervous and confused, and he was twitching.
"Is he ok?" Mikey queried, while Alicia knelt down in front of him.
"Yes...well not really. For moments I think he's suffering. He needs his medication, but I don't know how much time it'll be until I have the money to get it." I explained.
"Damn...I wish we could help, but you know Mikey and I are just as broke as you are. And that kind of medication is very expensive." Alicia spoke rubbing Frank's arm as I held him.
"I...I...s-so messed up. D-don't feel g-good. N-not at all. W-wanna fix it...w-wanna break it. Th-this, here. N-no. F-fuck..." Frank trailed off and grabbed my arm with such force that it hurt like hell.
"What is he..." Mikey started to say but stopped when Frankie got up holding his head and walked to the wall to his right. Falling on his knees he began to hit his head against it.
"B-break, break, B-BREAK!" he repeated.
"Gerard, do something!" Alicia was the first to react and I ran to Frankie. I made him stand and separated him from the wall, but he started to kick me trying to escape.
"Mikey, please help me!"
"N-NO LEMME GO! G-GOTTA BREAK IT H-HATE IT. C-CAN'T STAND IT. F-FUCK YOU!" Frank screamed. Together we managed to take him to the couch, where I did my best to restrain him.
"Frankie...shh, you'll be fine. Look, you can hit your head here if it helps." the girl of the group whispered to him, making him face the couch's padded backrest.
"N-no please stop, s-shut up. N-no you d-don't. D-don't like when y-you're there. L-leave." Frank said while his head collapsed against the harmless surface once and again.
"Who is he talking to?" Mikey asked.
"I'm not sure...maybe he hears voices, too? I know he sees things and beings that are not real..." I responded, certain that Frankie couldn't hear me.
"That's possible" Alicia said. "What problem does he have exactly?"
"I don't know, he couldn't tell me."
Frank quit what he had been doing for at least five minutes and looked at me, red faced and panting. He was still shaking.
"Come here and rest for a while." I told him opening my arms for him to cuddle. Then I closed them around his small curled up form. While brushing his hair out of his face I felt a protuberance on his forehead.
"Ouch, he has a bump from banging his head on the wall."
"Aww I'll go for some ice." Alicia offered, returning in a minute with some ice cubes wrapped in a napkin. I carefully placed it over Frank's swollen area. He hissed at first, but quickly felt comforted by the cold and zoned out.
"Haven't you checked his bag?" Mikey asked.
"What?"
"If you tried checking in his backpack. Maybe there's something in there that could help you know more about him." he developed his idea. How hadn't I thought of that?
"Uh...no? As far as I know he only has clothes and his teddy bear there."
"Shh" Frankie hushed me with his index finger over his lips.
"They won't laugh either, I promise." I whispered in his ear.
"For fuck's sake, Gee! Do I always have to think for you?" Mikey said, annoyed.
"Well, you're the one with the intellectual look after all, little bro!" I laughed. "Frankie?"
"Uh?"
"Do you give us permission to look into your bag? We won't keep anything." I did what I thought was right. In spite of his mental issues, the kid still had rights over his belongings.
"Y-yeah. O-only clothes t-there. N-nothing more. FUCK! Argg...t-tell him to sh-shut up now!" he replied. It looked as if he was having a fight inside his head at the same time.
"Thanks. Now just close your eyes and don't listen to...him."
"I...I'll t-try."
Mikey took Frank's large bag and looked inside, placing everything over the table. Two pairs of jeans, gray sweatpants, no more than five t-shirts, underwear and a single fuchsia hoodie.
"Oh, nice color!" Mikey giggled, gaining a punch from his girl.
"Don't be like that, asshole. He surely was given clothes that didn't fit older kids anymore in that place. That was probably from a girl."
"I know, sorry. Well, it seems there's nothing important here. But...there's this smaller pocket...let's see." Mikey spoke mostly to himself, unzipping said front pocket.
"Bingo!" he announced showing us what appeared to be an ID.
"Yay! Come near so I can see, Mikey."
He sat next to me and opened the document. The first thing I saw was the picture of a slightly younger Frank smiling widely. His hair was a lot shorter, but his big eyes as crossed as I had seen them.
"What the fuck?" Mikey and I uttered at the same time. That page had been mostly ripped off. Other than the pic, you could only read 'Frank Anthony -hole-, born on October the 31st, 1988'; and then nothing else. No address, no id number, no nothing. It was all a big hole.
"Why...?" I was highly confused, that kid was becoming a bigger mystery. So the only new things I knew were that his middle name was Anthony -luckily he had remembered his last name- and that he had been born on Halloween. What a contradiction for a boy with such an angelic face.
"Check the other pages." I suggested.
"There's only one more. The rest of them are just completely missing." Mikey frowned. "Oh! Here's something." He was looking at the part of the ID where any extra information that could be of importance was added. But I couldn't read the handwritten part from where I was. I didn't want to move Frank who seemed to be falling asleep.
"What does it say?"
"Psychiatric patient, main pathology being severe schizophrenia. Under strict medication. Not specifically violent, but can be a peril to himself. Needs watching." Mikey read and then added. "I'm sure it said something more but the other half of the page has also been removed."
I was speechless. Not only because I finally knew something more about Frank's illness, but also because things were getting weirder and weirder.
"It says 'main pathology'. Does it mean he has other problems besides schizophrenia?" I asked no one in particular.
"Uh...I'd say it does. Maybe something else not so concrete and that doesn't even have a name?" Alicia tried to guess. Both Mikey and I shrugged.
"Oh man Gee, what have you gotten yourself into?" my brother said rubbing his face and began to put Frank's things back into place.
Frankie stirred in my lap.
"W-what happened?" he inquired, ignoring our discoveries.
"Nothing, don't worry. Oh...one question. Did you rip the pages of your ID?" I showed him the document. I didn't even know why I was doing it, those pages had been too strategically ripped. He couldn't have done that. And what for?
"N-no...what's t-that? N-never s-seen it." he answered taking it from my hand. He opened it and brought it close to his nose, then as far as his arm permitted and in the middle. He finally gave it back to me, blowing.
"F-fuck it! D-damn small l-letters. Is th-there a pic?"
"Yes, it's you a little younger."
"Oh! T-too bad it d-doesn't want me to s-see it..." he pouted.
"Ouch Gerard. On top of all, I guess the kid needs glasses." Alicia remarked.
"I know, I know. Maybe I should try playing lottery?" I chuckled.
"Not a bad idea!" Mikey said. "But just in case...find a job."
"I'll do, Michael! The day after tomorrow as much."
"And what will you do with Frankie while you work?" Alicia mentioned. That was a problem I hadn't gotten to think of.
"I don't know, but I'll find a solution." I replied. "I need a good sleep before being able to think straight."
"Gerard...is he really 18?" Mikey questioned after some minutes of silence.
"It took you all this time to make the calculation?" I laughed.
"Oh...fuck off! I just...remembered that detail now, idiot!"
"Well, I couldn't believe it either when he told me, but it seems he is 18 after all."
"Oh wow, I'd say he's 15, 16 as much." Alicia said.
"Yeah I thought the same, but it's a good thing he's not a minor at least."
"That for sure, Gee. You're fucked up enough." my brother spoke.
During all that last part of our conversation, Frank had been just watching us with a lost expression, as if we were speaking in a different language. And he didn't say a word. After a while he got off my lap and started to walk the room aimlessly. I followed close just in case. Then he got on his knees and began to crawl.
"C-cat...lion! C-cow! Horse...h-horse...giraffe! R-rhino...h-hippo..." he named, signaling at the floor and smiling.
"Is he...seeing like...mini-animals on the floor or something like that?" Mikey whispered. He was perplexed.
"I think so...he had never done that so far." I said. Frank continued to 'explore'.
"Oh...e-elephant! T-tiger! S-so pretty and t-tiny! A-and here...oops! Th-they're gone. G-guess you got u-under the carpet, d-didn't you?" he said but then clapped his hands all of a sudden. "P-PUPPY! G-gerard, h-how did he g-get here?" he acknowledged me at last.
He took his dog and came back to the couch with us.
"I don't know, he must have left the car with us and we didn't see him...and now got through a window?" I made up a hypothesis.
"Y-yeah I g-guess so." he nodded.
"Mikey, Alicia, this is Puppy, Frankie's doggie." I introduced the non-existent pet. Alicia smiled kindly and pretended to be stroking the little animal Frank was holding. But Mikey wasn't amused.
"Awww I love it!" Alicia said.
"Oh please! He should know there's nothing there!" Mikey growled.
"W-what does he m-mean?" Frankie looked at my brother.
"Nothing, sweety, he's just thinking aloud about some problems. College problems." Alicia saved the moment, throwing his boyfriend a killer look. He left for the kitchen saying he'd make dinner.
"A-ahh."
"What color is it?" she interrogated Frank making me gasp. I guess she had just said what came to her mind. Frank opened his mouth and eyed her, somewhat annoyed.
"A-are you b-blind? D-don't you see wh-what color is he? F-FUCK!"
"Don't get that angry, boy! Alicia forgot her glasses and she can't see well without them, sometimes she can't tell the colors. Weird, uh?" I told him, glancing at Alicia who muttered a 'sorry'.
"Y-yes it is! Uhm...w-well...Puppy's b-black with a w-white spot on his ch-chest with the sh-shape of a f-flower."
"That's adorable!" she said. "And Gee...it looks like your little friend has character, uh?"
"Haha he does. I think he can't help it sometimes, really. But he's usually very sweet." I said ruffling Frank's hair. He kissed my cheek, put his head on my shoulder, and stared at me closely. To my right I could see Alicia rip a piece of paper from her notebook. She wrote something in it, holding it up for me to read it.
"That boy is SO in love."
CHAPTER 9
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain,
you don't like my point of view,
think I'm insane.
It's not sane...
It's not sane...
"You think so?" I asked Alicia aloud by mistake.
"Definitely." she wrote on the other side of the paper.
"Th-think what? Frank murmured twisting my hair with his fingers.
"Oh...nothing, don't mind me."
He just shrugged and hugged me tightly and I could hear Alicia giggling. Looking at her, I gestured as if saying 'we'll talk about it later.' She nodded, smiling. That girl could be a little annoying sometimes, but she was a nice person and really good at giving advice.
"Oh, I was going to ask you earlier but then forgot...what happened to his wrist?" she pointed at the bandage. Frank showed her his arm.
"I...I was d-doing a t-tattoo, see? B-but Gerard d-didn't let me finish and...and he c-covered the 'i'! N-now it s-says 'Frank' I...I d-don't like it, s-sucks. I l-like Frankie."
"Oh..." was all she could answer.
"He...was doing it with a pair of scissors I had forgotten in my car, and went deeper with the 'i', that's why it's bandaged." I explained to her, both of us sharing a concerned look.
"Ouch! Frankie, that's not how you get tattoos, boy!"
"O-okay." he babbled and returned to his previous position.
"I've been preparing some spaghetti for dinner but it'll be a while before it's done. I don't wanna be rude and imply that you two stink or something but...don't you think you need a shower?" Mikey came from the kitchen to ask me and Frankie. He was wearing our mom's pink and white striped apron, and had some flour on it and on his face and glasses.
"Oh, good way of saying it anyhow! And you've been really cooking? So fast?" I questioned surprised. He did know how to cook, but wouldn't do it very often.
"Oh well, mom left it half done. But I finished the sauce and got it all ready! Anyway, tell me if you're gonna take a bath now so I know how much time I have."
"I think Frankie's still too nervous, he's shaking. I'm afraid of him falling or getting hurt in the bathtub, so I'd better have him wait till later. But, if Alicia can watch him for a while I'll go for a shower myself." I said. Frankie was transfixed on an undefined point in the room, eyes waltzing madly. I realised he was saying something only because he still had his head on my shoulder. I couldn't understand the words, though. Alicia observed him with certain sadness.
"Of course I'll watch him. But what do I do with him?"
I carefully got up, holding Frank's head with a hand. I then moved him a little and left him leaning against the couch. He didn't notice the change.
"Right now nothing, it seems he's lost in his own world. If he gets out of that state...turn the TV on or talk to him, just make sure he doesn't do anything dangerous." I told her.
"Understood."
"Thanks."
On my way to the bathroom, I entered the small kitchen where my brother was back to his chef activities. He was stirring the sauce in a casserole with a wooden spoon.
"Mmm, I must say it smells good." I complimented him. He didn't answer, as if he had chosen to ignore me. After several seconds he sighed, leaving the spoon on the marble surface beside the stove. He faced me, arms crossed over his chest and that serious face; the one that made me feel like the little brother even when he was four years younger.
"Gerard...are you really sure?" he finally spoke in a firm tone.
"Sure about what? Your sauce? Of course I..."
"Don't fuck with me, Gee!" he cut me off. "You know what I'm talking about, that boy you brought."
"What about him?" I said, not feeling up for an argument.
"You're getting yourself into a big one, brother! You've never even taken care of a pet by yourself. How are you going to do with a crazy teen?"
"Don't call him that!" I told him trying not to raise my voice.
"Ok, sorry. But really, Gee..."
"Look, Mikey, I know I haven't taken real responsibilities in my life so far. But I told you, I want to change. And I think life, or destiny, or whatever put Frank in my way for something. It sounds silly and maybe cliché, I know. But it's what I feel." I explained myself to him. He shook his head and ran his hands through his light brown hair.
"I won't say this to be mean, you know I'm not such an asshole. But the kid stutters, sees less than me, is schizophrenic and who knows what else. And he's 18 but looks like 15 and acts like 10. Isn't he too much for your first 'real responsibility'?
"He doesn't always act like 10. He lived all his life in a mental institution with kids that were as troubled as him or more. You can't expect him to act like a normal 18 year old, don't you think?" I pointed out.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
"And if you wanna add something to your list of 'defects', he's also cross-eyed. Happy?" I added tauntingly.
"Really? I thought it was just that old pic..."
"Nope, when he manages to keep his eyes from moving...they're crossed. But instead of thinking that he is 'too much for my first real responsibility' I first think of how all that is too much for just one kid. I believe I can help him and I'll do it whether you like it or not." I concluded.
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