As we got into a semi-forced small talk, I realised that Ray was the one asking most of the questions. Nothing too deep or complicated -he knew all the important information from me anyway; it was more like a simple, informal interrogation to get Iero to keep on speaking, giving my friend the chance to form an opinion about him. I studied Ray's hands. Whenever he was talking to someone he didn't like, his hands would tense up and close in a fist. However, they were now hanging limp in between his legs. Good sign.
Ray, Greg and I looked back when we heard soft footsteps. Frankie was standing open mouthed behind the couch. I turned my head to Tony who was still staring straight ahead, unable to convince the muscles of his neck to comply.
"T-tony?" Frank's call was so muffled that it could have easily gone unnoted. Anthony screwed his eyes shut, immovable. Maybe he had indeed not heard his son.
"D-dad?" the voice came shaky but louder this time. As if the importance of the word had only dawned on him after he pronounced it, Frankie gasped. His eyes grew big and he bit his thumb.
The only visible change in Tony were the wet trails that freely advanced down his cheeks, cascading to his folded legs. His boyfriend shared a silent, doubtful look with me and my friend and resolved to giving his partner's knee a squeeze. Awaken from the daze, Anthony allowed his body to move and there he was, kneeling on the couch, only the backrest separating him from his son who was there for real. He hadn't dreamed him.
"D-dad?" Frankie repeated, letting his father know that his ears hadn't deceived him before.
"Oh my God, son, I l-love you so much..." his arms flew forward, self impulsed. Frank's only needed seconds to do the same. The embrace was tight, desperate, worth more than sixteen years. Tears, smiles, sobs, laughs. Murmured, private words that I didn't try to grasp because it was their moment, they were their words. I knew the obstacle in between them was annoying Frankie, but he couldn't let go of the arms keeping him close and warm. He clumsily raised a leg on the backrest and Tony pulled him all the way over it and into his lap like he was as light as that baby he'd held so many years ago.
The rest of us didn't dare utter a single word, didn't want to break the moment. We should have probably left them alone, but no one could do so. We hadn't moved and inch; our eyes hadn't left those two figures, those two puzzle pieces finally put together, matching perfectly. They must have stayed like that for an hour, the words coming out of them never louder than a whisper, never making it to a phrase, never audible or understandable to us.
The grip subsided once the flood of emotions calmed down a bit. Frankie was leaning on his dad's chest, one hand playing with his shirt and the other hid behind the man. Anthony's left fingers caressed Frank's scalp, the right ones drawing circles on his back. A smile was painted on the younger's lips, but it disappeared soon.
"S-sorry..." was the first thing I could make out.
"Why, Frankie?" Tony was as surprised with the apology as we were. Was he sorry for freaking out before?
"'C-cause...'cause I kn-know parents like n-normal kids more. S-special kids are a p-problem, o-other children from wh-where I lived t-told me. Th-that's why mom l-left me in the s-street. Y-yeah and..."
"Frankie, no..." his father tried to stop him.
"...I c-can't be normal but...but I'll be g-good. P-promise! P-please don't l-leave me and...and l-let me stay w-with Gee. W-wanna see you and g-go out and so b-but...I live h-here, kay?" he went on.
"Frankie, let him talk!" I told him.
"You do speak a lot, uh?" Tony joked, kissing Frank's head. "Where do I start? First, I told you I won't take you anywhere. For now I only wanna spend time with you, then we'll see what to do in the future, but I'll never tear you apart from your new family. I know you love them and they love you. About the other things you were saying, I'll make it simple: you're perfect to me. You are not a problem and I could have never dreamed of having a better son than you. Why would I want a boring normal kid?"
"D-dunno..."
"Tell me something, Frankie: what do dads like to do the most with their kids?" Iero asked him. Frank again chewed on his thumb, pensive.
"P-play?"
"Aha. Play with toys, balls, boardgames or any other thing. Or maybe take them to a park! You know...swings, slides, seesaws...that's fun, too."
"Y-yeah!"
"If my son was a 'normal' 18 year-old I'd be feeling sad, 'cause I'd have missed doing all that with him. But...you still like doing those things, don't you?" I now understood where Tony was going.
"Y-yes! I...I h-have many toys and...and g-games and I l-love swings. B-but Gee doesn't w-want to push me m-much 'cause he says I might f-fall." he pouted.
"It's just that sometimes I'm not sure if he holds himself well." I explicated. Although I admitted that I tended to exaggerate, the thought of Frankie getting hurt terrified me.
"Well, I can understand why Gerard's afraid, but what I'm trying to say is...we can still share all that precisely because you're not a boring normal teenager. You're a lot better!"
"I...I am?"
"You rock, boy." Greg opined. Frankie was now grinning in his father's arms, his insecurities left behind.
"Oh, there's something you need to know," Tony addressed me. "and it's good that Ray's here too."
"Uh? Does it have to do with me?" Ray asked.
"Sort of. I was pretty optimistic about today, I felt that things were gonna be alright so I made some early decisions. I talked to the guys in the band and they agreed to have free weeks in between. I mean...we travel and play during one week, and the next one we don't. We'll try to hit the farthest cities at mid-week, which should make things work. Greg and I rented a small, one-room apartment near here to stay during our free weeks."
"It's tiny and half destroyed but we have a bed, a mini-kitchen and a bathroom. Enough." Greg added.
"And before you ask what this has to do with Ray...I've been thinking that maybe I can take care of Frankie during those weeks. We'd get to know each other better and he wouldn't have to leave the house, which is what scares him the most." he exposed.
"Well, as much as I'd miss Frankie -I'm too used to spending every day with him, I think it's a good idea." Ray's look told me he approved Tony, I didn't need him to speak it out. "What do you think, Gerard?"
"I think it's great news, I'm all for it if Frankie agrees." we all set our eyes on him, but he had gotten lost somewhere during the conversation. He would rarely stay attentive for long.
"Wh-what?"
"Would you like Tony and Ray to take turns staying with you? One week it'd be Ray and one week your dad." I filled him in.
"Y-yes, I...I th-think it'll be c-cool. Y-yeah." he responded coldly.
"Are you sure? We can wait if you're still not ready." Anthony made clear.
"It's f-fine. Wh-who stays f-first?"
"Ray I guess, we haven't played this week because I had things to arrange here, so we'll be busy the next one. But I'll call you everyday, ok?"
"K-kay." Frank nodded.
"Are you mad at me?" Anthony was a little uncomfortable with his son's sudden lack of enthusiasm.
"N-no I'm not." the boy appeared bothered by the insistence. His father suffered with it. I nonchalantly shook my head, reminding him not to read too much into Frank's behavior. I knew it wasn't intentional.
"D-dad?" Frank broke his several minutes long silence. We were still amazed at how fast he had adopted that word, while for most people it would usually take time. Frankie was more innocent and simple-minded. He knew Anthony was his father, he'd accepted it and was fine with it; so why not call him that?
"Yes?" Anthony's heart surely skipped a beat every time he heard it. It must have felt so unreal.
"Y-you can speak 'b-bout boyfriends with your d-dad, right?" Frank launched. Ray met my own worried look and I became awfully anxious and scared. My hands went cold, my ears felt stuffed and I saw white before my eyes. I blinked to chase away the whiteness but it instead turned to black, a black translucent curtain filtering the images. A momentary dizziness overcame me as a listened to their voices far away.
"Yes, why? Do you like somebody, son?" Anthony...
"Y-yes but..." Frankie...
"Gerard? Gerard, are you ok? Can you hear me?" Ray, that had to be him. "GERARD!"
"Uh?" I mumbled, the high-pitched scream bringing me back. I now distinguished my friend offering me a glass of water. I took it, still light-headed.
"You scared us, boy. Do you feel okay? You're white as a ghost." Greg touched my forehead while Tony rubbed my hands that were still freezing cold. I was wondering where Frank was when he landed on my lap, hugging and rocking me.
"Y-you okay?" he kissed my cheek.
"Frankie, Gerard needs air..." Tony tried to pull him away from me and he screamed.
"N-NO! HE N-NEEDS ME!"
"It's ok, I'm fine. I guess the overdose of emotions affected me." I lied only in part, for that had contributed; though I was basically about to piss my pants out of pure, plain fear. Cowardice.
"Sure you're better now?" Ray pressed.
"Yes, totally fine." I smiled nervously. Anthony knew already, there was no way he wouldn't suspect.
"D-dad..." Frankie resumed, still holding me. I concentrated on taking slow, deep breaths to avoid passing out once again. "...I d-do like a b-boy."
"Yes?" Iero's rhetorical question was too short for me to analyze. I was searching for sarcasm in his speech, so I was glad he said more. "Want me to give you advice or...does he know you like him?"
"Fuck he knows, he knows he knows...." I thought I repeated in my head. Judging by Ray's face -who was the closest to me besides Frank- it might have escaped out.
"Y-yes he d-does! H-he likes me t-too. I...I l-love him and he l-loves me very m-much." there was no way to stop what was coming, Frankie would not stop now.
"That's great, Frankie!" Greg was participant of the most stressful scene of my life.
"What's his name, son?" Anthony just had to ask. I couldn't see his face and didn't want him to see mine. I cowered behind Frank at the same time that Ray's supporting hand patted my back; either that or he was silently passing his condolences.
"G-gerard! H-he...he's my b-boyfriend, dad!" he sounded so cheerful, innocently sending me to a possible doom.
With every person who had found out it had been hard, yes. But nothing compared to discussing it with Frank's father. Frank's father who had just gotten him back after 16 years. He would kill for Frankie without thinking twice if he thought someone was hurting him. However, he had seemed to know that there was something between us since that first day in the mall, and yet he never changed the way he treated me. If he had disliked any of the possibilities crossing his mind, he would have asked right away.
I carefully peeped over Frankie's shoulder, my arms enclosing his waist, and I prepared to face Anthony's reaction. Frank and I together, unashamed.
CHAPTER 59
Oh! Darling, please believe me,
I'll never do you no harm.
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm.
"It's true," I said, spying Frank's smiling face sideways. "I'm Frankie's boyfriend."
"W-we're in l-love." he nodded proudly, turning to leave a brief but sweet kiss on my lips. Anthony and Greg looked at each other speechlessly and then back at us. Their jaws hung open so wide that they reminded me of cartoons.
Ray noticed the tension and got up. "I'll be in the kitchen. Call me if needed...though I think you'll be fine, you did nothing wrong." he told me loud enough for the others to hear.
"So...it wasn't my imagination! I felt that there was something more between you two. I didn't want to say anything since I wasn't sure. I thought that Frankie was probably just infatuated with you, Gerard...because of how you've taken care of him. Thought it was maybe a one-sided thing but now...I...I don't know what to think..." Tony faltered, face hidden behind his hands. I sensed Greg's stare digging a hole in me, testing me like he had that night when I first told Anthony about his son. Again I endured it firmly, shaking my head slowly as my eyes moistened.
"I love him." I whispered, and the man's attention returned to Tony.
"D-dad, why y-you're not talking an-anymore? Y-you're angry? P-please don't be? G-gerard's very good w-with me, r-really!" Frank reached out to hug his father who welcomed him in his arms. I felt suddenly cold and unprotected without him near me.
"I'm not mad, son. I just...I'm not sure if this is right..."
"'C-cause I'm special?" Frankie asked with sadness. Anthony was about to respond, but Greg squeezed his hand and he nodded towards him understandingly.
"Ok, Frankie, first I'd like you to explain what you understand by 'boyfriends'. And Gerard, I guess you know what I mean with this question..." I had never seen Iero so serious; he looked even menacing, holding his son in a protective way as if to keep him away from the potential monster. Yet he didn't sound exactly accusing, just immensely worried. It was understandable.
"B-boyfriends means...wh-when you love each o-other very m-much and...and you k-kiss a lot and s-sometimes with t-tongues and...you caress and c-cuddle and touch and...w-well...other th-things, you kn-know?" Frankie was quick to list, blushing at his last words. Anthony closed his eyes tightly and rubbed his forehead. I could almost read his thoughts; I bet they were repeating 'please, tell me you didn't' and he was ready to jump on me.
"Tony we didn't...we never...got that far, I swear." I didn't give him time to ask.
"N-no, we never d-did that thingb-boyfriends do! W-we make love in o-other ways, yes." Frankie backed me up, though what he said could be taken the wrong way too.
"How...how did this start, Gerard? How long...when...just...how?" Iero questioned, deliberately ignoring Frank's remark for the moment. "Please, don't think I'm implying anything bad about you. I don't forget the fact that you searched for me. I've seen how much you care for Frankie, how happy he looks around you. But he's...it's hard for me to imagine...it."
"I know what you mean." I assented solemnly. "It's been about four months. Since the beginning Frankie...oh God, this might sound wrong but..."
"Go ahead..." he signed for me to go on.
"...he told me he liked me, that I was handsome. Sometimes he would stare at me or kiss my cheek out of nowhere. I tried not to give much importance to it, I thought he was only being grateful. But as days passed by it got worse. The voice he'd use when talking or the way in which he'd look at me weren't childish, and he'd try to kiss my mouth every time he could."
"Y-yes 'cause...'c-cause I liked him a l-lot, since al-always!" Frank interrupted me.
"Let Gerard talk now, Frankie." his father requested kindly.
"Oh, k-kay."
"I swear I didn't do anything to confuse him. I eventually realised that I was feeling something for him too. I didn't want to, I fought against it at first 'cause it kinda terrified me, I wasn't sure myself if it was right. I didn't know if he meant it, if he was aware of the things he did and said. I resisted until one day I couldn't help kissing him back. Even then I kept some distance, I told him we couldn't be boyfriends yet, that it was too soon. I decided to wait until he got his meds..." I continued, trembling but regaining some confidence.
"What happened then?" Anthony appeared to be a little calmer.
"W-we became b-boyfriends!" Frank burst out. An unrestrained laugh came from Greg; nonetheless he placed one finger on the boy's lips.
"Shh."
"S-sorry!" Frankie giggled. Unlike me, he didn't seem nervous; from his point of view there wasn't any reason for other people to consider our relationship wrong. I wished I was as innocent, or stronger and braver to just shout it to the winds that I loved him. The truth was that it still scared me, I still feared the consequences
"I kept waiting. If Frankie had never again shown any signs of being in love with me, I'd have accepted it and made no more moves on him. I'd have locked up my feelings and been his big brother if that's what he needed. But...soon Frankie proved to me that he still felt the same. I knew it was genuine, that he had full conscience of his words and actions. I gave in, told him I loved him too...though I was still afraid of using the term 'boyfriends'." I confessed, getting lost in Frank's hazel orbs that shined in front of me. They wordlessly spoke of love, and I wanted my eyes to transmit the same to him.
"Why were you so afraid if you felt sure of what you both wanted?" Greg queried with a jot of hostility.
"I was afraid of other people's reaction. Not ashamed, I need to make this clear. I could never be ashamed. Frankie's the best, most beautiful and kindest person I could be with. I was afraid of misconceptions, of people thinking me a monster and wanting to save Frankie from me. Basically frightened to death at the possibility of losing him." I sniveled. "Please, Anthony...say you do believe me that our relationship's all about love. I've never forced Frankie to do anything he wasn't comfortable with and I never will. He decides, I only want to make him happy, I just need him by my side. We've never..."
"I believe you, Gerard. This must have reminded you of a trial but it's not my intention, I'm just concerned. I suspected something, yes, but to actually know it was true resulted slightly different. It was shocking, to say the least." Anthony's callused hand was on my shoulder, and his gaze -one that held far more experience than expected for someone his age- supported his words.
"Thank you."
"Now Frankie, I want to hear your version."
"Anthony..." I cut him off, the necessity of winning his complete trust impelling me. "I think it'll be better if you two talk in private, that way Frankie will feel free to tell you everything he needs and you can fulfill any doubts."
"Are you sure? You can stay, I'd just ask for you to let Frankie speak as I did with him when it was your turn..."
"I'm sure, I don't want to indirectly influence Frank in any way. I'll be in the kitchen with Ray." I smiled.
"Wait, I'm coming with you." Greg kissed his man and joined me. "Good luck, love."
******
"Look, Gerard." Greg said as soon as we were out of their hearing range, forgetting about Ray who eyed us from the table. "I have no reason to doubt you, you don't seem like the perverted type to me at all, and Frankie clearly loves you. I trust you, I think you're a good boy. But I hope I'm not wrong 'cause if I were...if I were then you'd eat dirt, you understand?"
"Yes, I do." I replied casually, filling the kettle. "But you're not wrong, so I'll rather have coffee and some cookies."
"I like you, kid." he chuckled. "I could use some coffee too."
"Ray?" I invited.
"Yes, please. But you talk, I'll prepare it."
"Greg...there's something I need you to know. I haven't dared tell Anthony yet, I thought it was too soon to go into that but...now Frankie might end up mentioning it to him, so..." the only part of the information I hadn't revealed to them was burning inside of me. This was the moment to speak, for waiting even more could get me into worse trouble.
"You mean, about what happened to Frank at the institution?" Ray inquired.
"Yeah..."
"What is it? I gather it's not good." the drummer assumed an attentive position, arms folded over the table, urging me to speak.
"Frankie...we never...had sex, but he's not exactly a virgin..."
"WHAT? How...what do you mean?" Greg screamed, eyes wide.
"Some months before his mother took him out of that place, a friend -another patient- persuaded him to 'make love'." I quoted with my fingers. "Of course, that boy didn't take any precaution, and never stopped even when Frank cried for him to do it."
"Oh fuck! You mean Frankie was... raped?"
"I'm not sure if it could be exactly considered rape, both of them being mentally ill and not fully aware of what they were doing. But in practice, it was sadly close to it." I agreed.
"Oh fuck..." Greg swore again. "Tony's gonna freak out so bad..."
"I did too. One night, I just tried to hold Frankie from behind while in bed and he began to ramble about not wanting to make love. That's when he told me and it seriously made me want to punch someone. You can imagine now how careful I am with each step Frank and I take in our relationship."
"Yes..." he sighed. "Please, tell me all you know about that, I'll talk to Anthony later."
"I'd be very thankful if you did."
I related everything Grace had told me about John. His problems, how he became Frank's friend and what had happened after the nurse found out about that incident. As the three of us were drinking coffee and discussing how much Frankie seemed to have understood from it all, we heard Anthony cry in the living room.
"As I feared, I think Frankie already told him." I supposed.
"Should I go?" Greg pondered.
"I'd say we all stay here until they call us." Ray gave his opinion.
Around forty minutes went by, and our conversation veered to music. Even if he was now in a blues band, Greg was a big fan of classic heavy metal and had seen Iron Maiden live several times. We went from interrogating him about the differences in every tour, to remembering how sad it had been when the legendary Bruce Dickinson left the band for some years and was replaced by a gorilla-looking guy.
"Can you believe I had to see them with that simian the first time?" I recalled.
"Oh, man! That's not a good debut at all!" Greg mocked me.
"Come on, Blaze wasn't that bad!" Ray defended him.
"He wasn't that bad? He was worse than bad. Ok, he did well with the new songs, but ruined all of the old ones, Ray! Good that the good ol' Bruce returned and I could attend a real Maiden show later. But dude, Greg, I wish I was older, I missed the best years!"
"Hey boys, I didn't want to interrupt your chat, it seemed interesting," Anthony walked in with reddened eyes, trying to hide his emotions. "but you can join me and Frankie if you want."
"Tony babe...I guess Frankie told you about what happened with that boy?"
"Yes...fuck...I..." he hugged Greg. "...how do you...?"
"Gerard explained it to me. Don't think about it now, I'll fill you in later, ok?"
"Ok..."
"Everything fine besides that, Anthony?" I asked.
"Yes, sorry again for putting you through all that interrogatory. After talking to Frankie I can only thank you, I don't think he could find any other boy with your patience and dedication."
"Uh...thanks. I guess that comes naturally when you love someone so much." I felt heat raise to my face, the unequivocal sign that I was blushing.
"Yet Frank's case is complicated, so you have double merit. Another thing I learned while listening to my son is that...he's no little kid." he laughed nervously, still finding it hard to accept the idea. "Not all the time, for sure! My Frankie's one complex character. A kid, a teenager and more; all in the same small package."
"You just described him perfectly." Ray threw in.
"We also had a little...sex talk, I thought it was necessary and my obligation as a father. I explained everything he might need to know as simple as possible." Tony informed me. "I know you had told him some things already but..."
"It's fine, there's nothing like a father for that. Besides, I didn't know how to go about some details, I'm still too young to give someone the famous sex talk. " I laughed, relieved. Frankie was lucky to have Anthony as his father, it must be awkward for straight dads to talk about sex with their gay sons. "What's Frankie doing now?"
"He's looking at some pictures of the band playing that I brought. Wanna see them?" his invitation killed my remaining fears.
"Yeah! Just let me get more coffee and chocolate for Frankie first."
******
After an evening sharing stories and games, everybody else left and I sat with Frankie enjoying that wonderful feeling of inner peace. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had closed my eyes and leaned my head on the backrest, breathing slowly and deeply, relaxing. My loved one imitating my pose, only I was his support. Suddenly, I didn't see but sensed him observing me. I lazily let my eyelids open half-way revealing a curious, meditative looking Frank. He appeared to be about to say something.
"You need anything, pretty?" I kissed his nose.
"Y-you...you have l-lube?" he mumbled. My eyes cracked fully open.
"If I have love?" I assumed I had misheard him. "I have lots of love for you!"
"N-not love... lube. Th-that thing you u-use when...when y-you're gonna make l-love, like really m-make love so it d-doesn't hurt much? Y-you need to h-have! It..it's not that I w-want to do it now. N-NO! D-dunno when. B-but my dad s-said, just in c-case." he gestured, and in that moment I wanted to kill Anthony.
"Uh yes, I do have some, don't worry." was all I could say. I wasn't lying anyway, though I had it since before meeting Frank.
"Ah, k-kay then." he kissed my lips and laid back on me. I, on the other hand, wasn't relaxed anymore.
Just in case? Those three words shook up my peace. Was Frankie only repeating his dad's words? Was he actually considering the possibility? Just when I had gotten used to the idea that we'd maybe never go farther and I was totally fine with it? It's not that I didn't want us to make love; but if it happened, I wanted it to be a good experience for Frank. Something opposite to his first one. That's why it was a big deal to me. It scared me.
******
The effects of the sex talk lasted for three more days. Frankie continued to remember details at the most random moments and he came up with new doubts. Those went from absurd questions like: 'How can your thingy breathe with a condom?' to inquietudes that no one wanted to discuss like: 'How can you stick your fingers into an ass hole? That's eww!'. I answered everything as well -and quickly- as I could manage, always praying that it would be the last time.
It'd been even more difficult for Ray, who was also the target of Frank's queries. This last day it got so awkward that he called me to my job, not knowing what to do.
"What did he ask?" I muffled my laughter.
"Don't laugh at me, you don't like answering these kind of questions either!"
"I know Ray, but that's the thing! Now I find it funny 'cause it's not me! Well, speak before another customer enters."
"He just asked me if the boy who gets his boyfriend's thingy put into his ass is like a girl! It seems that talk left him very interested in the subject, uh? What do I answer to that?"
"Tell him...uh....fuck, wait." I spotted one of my coworkers approaching me, so I hid behind the shelvings. "Ok...tell Frankie that...no one's a girl. It's just that boys only have that hole and...I don't know, Ray! Just...say whatever comes to your mind or...offer him something to eat and hope he'll forget about it?"
"Boy, holes, and no girls? Interesting, Way, very interesting." my partner almost gave me a heart attack, peeping his head from the other side of a shelf in between some folders. He flaunted a mocking grin, eyebrows arched in surprise, and then walked away.
"Oh, great..." I groaned into the phone, predicting lots of jokes about my sexuality.
"What...?" Ray's voice brought me back.
"Nothing it's just..." I looked around to make sure I was alone. "...a guy who works with me heard me and it apparently amused him too much."
"Oh my God!" Ray began to laugh loudly. "Don't worry, I'll figure out what to do, you have enough to deal with there!"
"Ok, thanks, even if you're making fun of me."
"Sorry Gerard, it's funny when it's not me! See you!" he retorted and hung up.
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