Once in the street and with Frank's gloved hand in mine I launched into a frenetic march, eyes looking forward. In fact, I didn't realise I was going too fast until Frankie complained. He couldn't keep up and I was nearly dragging him behind me. What the fuck was wrong with me?
We arrived at our destination and headed to where the ice cream was served. It was like a parlor inside of the supermarket; cheap, though still good. I had my mind set on buying the ice cream, some groceries, and going back home. However, I had forgotten one tiny detail: the alcohol section was very close, so close that I spotted it right away.
While we were in line I tried to be strong, I tried but I couldn't. I'd break down and cry in the middle of the place if I didn't yield. "Frankie, would you stay here and buy the ice cream? You can ask for the biggest pot and choose any flavor you want."
"I...I c-can pay and ev-everything?" he questioned with a gigantic grin. Frank never handled money. He didn't understand about it and really, it wasn't necessary; he wouldn't go anywhere by himself.
"Yep, here you have the exact money needed, so they don't have to give you any change, okay? I'll go buy some things and then come for you. Stay right here even if you're done."
"K-kay!"
I felt pathetic, running to reach my bottled relief. It was torture. So many bottles, cans. So many drinks, brands. I was in need of something strong, beer wouldn't do anything to me. Notwithstanding, I could by no means get drunk. Never with Frank. It was unacceptable, irresponsible, the worst thing to do.
I took a deep breath and quickly grabbed one of those pocket-sized bottles. Whiskey. That way I wouldn't have much too drink even if I wanted, though luckily some sips would be enough. I hid it in the interior of my jacket, hoping they didn't have cameras. I wasn't going to steal it, yet I was acting as if.
Shaking with nerves, I collected some other things we needed and went back to Frankie. He was being attended and didn't see me approach them. One of the girls had already given him the pot of ice cream when a second one appeared.
"Are you alone?" she inquired. I waited to hear what Frankie would reply.
"N-no, I'm with m-my...uh...b-brother but he's b-buying more th-things and then he'll c-come here for me. I'm n-nineteen and have m-money!"
"We better wait for your brother." she stated.
"B-but..."
"It's fine, I'm here." I interposed. Frankie flashed me a smile and gave the girl the money.
"S-see? W-wasn't lying!" he stuck out his tongue, making both girls laugh.
"Frankie!"
"Oh, it's ok. I guess I ruined his independence, didn't I?" the one who had doubted Frank excused him.
"Something like that...he got to order before I was back, anyway."
"You're so cute, Frankie." the first girl commented.
"Th-thanks, bye!" he waved at them and we walked away.
As much as I hated doing it, at the checkout counter I had to distract Frankie once again. If he saw what I had bought there could be trouble, and that wasn't the best place for him to get furious. Therefore, I told him to pick up some sweets from the showcase beside us while I hurried to put the bottle on the conveyor belt first and shoved it at the bottom of a bag. The cashier surely suspected what all the fuss was about, but at that point I didn't care.
By the time we got home I was desperate, lost. I couldn't even see clear. I brought two bowls and spoons to the coffee table together with the ice cream pot, which I opened after several attempts. "Baby, you start eating. I have some things to store and clean in the kitchen, I'll join you in a few minutes."
"K-kay. H-hurry up or it'll m-melt!"
"I will!"
The kitchen had no door, which gave me an uneasy feeling. Still, I wasn't going to lock myself in the bedroom.
Unable to cope with my restless state anymore, I introduced my hand into the bag to retrieve the small glass object; almost dropping it as my fingers failed me.
The first sip burned my throat. I had gotten unused to it, I realised. It felt good, numbing my tongue and giving me what I'd been desiring. On the other hand, the fact that I had grown unaccustomed made something click in my stupid brain.
"Fuck...why start again?" I shuffled to the table and deposited the bottle in front of me. I stood there staring at it, wanting it and and being repulsed by it at the same time. My body -or better said my mind- needed it. The idea of falling into it again repulsed me.
I was hypnotized by the clear liquid, its taste still in my mouth, enticing me. I didn't hear anything, didn't see anything but felt something hit my ass hard, causing a sharp pain that was soon surpassed by the one I experienced when the impulse sent me forward and my crotch collided with the edge of the table.
"What the fuck?" I grabbed myself, doubled over.
"TH-THAT...THAT'S AL-ALCO-HOL! TH-THE BOTTLE S-SAYS SO, IDIOT! Y-YOU SAID IT'S B-BAD AND...AND THAT YOU D-DO STUPID TH-THINGS WHEN YOU D-DRINK IT!" Frank looked intimidatingly angry while he reprimanded me loudly. Plain infuriated. He must have read the label from over my shoulder and he'd consequently kicked my ass as he had once promised. I was thankful.
"I...I know Frankie, I'm sorry. I'm too nervous and upset today, I tried to hold on but...couldn't. You stopped me in time, though. I only took a sip, I swear!"
"S-STUPID, SO STUPID! I...I as-asked you why you w-were sad and you d-didn't want to t-tell me! I kn-know I don't un-understand things much but...b-but I'm your b-boyfriend and boyfriends l-listen and I love you and d-don't want you to be s-sad and...D-DON'T WANT YOU TO D-DRINK THIS SHIT!" Frank cried out. He took the bottle from the table, raising it over his head and throwing it to the floor with fury. One of my arms instantly encircled him and I led us away from the many pieces of glass that jumped and scattered around.
"Thank you, baby." I whispered as he hid in my arms.
All of a sudden, Frank's head popped up. He got away from me and neared the small puddle of whiskey, smelling the air. His breath became hectic. He was murmuring something I couldn't understand, shaking his head and whimpering in an odd, heartbreaking manner. I tried to touch him but he screamed. He walked backwards until his back was against the counter; then he sunk to the floor, trembling, making noises that sounded like a puppy crying.
"Frankie? Baby, what's wrong? I'm fine, I won't drink I promise, the bottle's broken!" I lifted a hand to touch his face and he put his arms up as a shield. "Frankie...it's me, Gee! I'm not gonna hurt you, you hear me? I won't touch you if you don't want to...please tell me why you're so scared..."
"Th-the smell..." he mumbled. "...the b-baby. S-smelled like that wh-where he was..."
"The baby you dreamed of?"
"Y-yes..." he began to sob now. "...p-people...music...l-loud...s-so loud and noise and v-voices and ev-everybody so t-tall and the k-kid so little and...and l-laughs and smell."
"That was a dream, Frankie."
"P-PLEASE TURN IT D-DOWN TURN IT D-DOWN...SHUT UP SH-SHUT UP AND L-LOOK AT THE BABY HE'S S-SCARED! TH-THE BABY W-WANTS HIS M-MOM! T-TURN IT DOWN SO TH-THEY HEAR HIM C-CRY!" he clamored and yowled; long, loud blood freezing screams. I wanted to hold him, but he wouldn't allow me at first. I ignored the kicks and punches and after a while I finally got him to calm down in my arms.
"T-too loud, turn it d-down..."
"There's no music, baby. No music and no people other than us, see?" I said, and he looked around. "That was a dream..."
"N-no..." he rocked back and forth absently, whispering again. "N-no it's not...th-the little k-kid...YOU'RE W-WRONG, SHUT UP!!"
"Frankie, don't. Don't listen to that voice, babe, look at me..." I moved his face up, but his eyes were not seeing anything.
"H-hey, Frankie...sh-shut up, Frank!" he muttered in a strange voice.
"Frankie, please..." I sobbed, fearing his state. When he'd have those episodes I always feared losing him. I was terrified that his mind would slip away forever.
I exhaled all the air I had been holding when his eyes focused and he glanced at me full of tears. "Th-the little kid's n-name's Frankie. R-remember...the m-music...smell. I...why so m-mean to poor F-frankie, Gee? I...I was a b-baby!"
CHAPTER 71
Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for.
I can't help it, there's nothing I want more.
You know it's true,
everything I do...I do it for you.
"I...I don't know, Frankie..." I didn't have an explanation. There was no justification for a woman who had neglected and mistreated her own infant. "...your mom was too young when she had you, and she maybe wasn't prepared to be a mother."
"B-but then...why sh-she had me? If...if she d-didn't want a baby, th-then why? Or...she w-wanted a normal b-baby? It's th-that, Gee?" Frank cried looking me in the eyes, blinking continuously. We believed he did that because he'd otherwise get double vision when so close.
The way he struggled to keep his stare on me told me he was asking for the truth, he wanted me to be honest. I didn't have the absolute truth, though. I had never met Linda, so I could only come up with a theory based upon the fragments of information I'd recollected throughout those months from people who did know her.
"It's a possibility, not everybody's good at dealing with special children. It doesn't mean they're bad people, they're just not...patient enough." I knew Linda's case was beyond that, but I wasn't going to be so cruel and direct. "There are also many girls who don't want babies and have them the same..."
"H-how?" I had expected him to have more doubts. Since Frankie had always manifested his preference for boys, he'd probably never been informed about most things concerning girls.
"If women don't want to get pregnant, they have to either take some pills to avoid that or tell their boyfriends to use a condom when they make love. There are other ways, but it's not really important for you to know them. Sometimes, couples forget to do those things...and babies come." This conversation was more complicated than a normal sex talk. There was something deeper and sadder involved. I needed to make it as simple as possible and be particularly delicate. He wasn't any teen and we weren't discussing an easy subject.
"Wh-why you used a c-condom when we m-made love? I...I'm not a g-girl! C-can't get p-pregnant, I kn-know that!" he had stopped crying and was pensive, trying hard to understand everything I was telling him.
"Many gay couples use them the same, so if they have some illness they don't pass it to the other. Condoms are useful for that, too. In our case, I knew we were both healthy but..."
"I...I'm n-not! I h-have an ill-ness!" he jumped. I smiled, kissing his head and bringing him closer to my chest.
"Not that kind of illness. I can't catch what you have. Schizophrenia's not a physical illness, it's not like...a virus." I explicated.
"Ahh! I kn-knew that, gu-guess Grace t-told me." he nodded. "But...b-but then you s-said 'bout the c-condom and thought that m-maybe you used it 'c-cause of me."
"Oh, no! Since it was our first time I felt that it'd be better to use one. It was..." I had done it out of respect, but I couldn't think of a clear enough way to put it into words for Frank. "...cleaner?"
"Y-you say...so your th-thingy wouldn't...uh...s-spit into m-my ass?" he asked with a straight face. Although it was rather hilarious, I held my laughter; it wasn't a bad answer after all.
"Uh...yes, something like that."
"Ahh! G-good, 'cause it is kinda w-weird. I r-remember..." he frowned, shaking his head slightly to block the bad memories. So endearing; with his tear-stained face and his big reddened eyes pacing nervously. "And... th-that happened to my m-mom? Sh-she and dad didn't w-want a baby but...f-forgot to do th-those things?"
"Yes, I think it was like that. Anyway, your dad said he was very happy when he knew you'd be born. He's always loved you."
"E-even when he kn-knew I was s-special?" he questioned.
"Of course! Doesn't he love you now?"
"Y-yes! B-but then why m-my mom didn't give me to h-him?" again he was sobbing; at first rubbing his face with his palm, then closing his hand in a fist and hitting his head. "Wh-why why wh-why...F-FUCK!"
"Shh...no, don't do that." I changed our position on the floor so Frank's back was against me and I kept both his hands in mine. As usual he fought me -or his body did, wanting to continue with the auto-punishment. It was his natural reaction to stress, hurt, confusion. Like a tic, he couldn't control it.
"Wh-why..." he repeated.
"I wish I could answer that, Frankie, but I can't. I have no idea why your mother did things so wrong. Anthony would've loved having you with him. He told me that when you were a baby, he'd visit you every time your mom allowed him. Then...you know what happened when your dad had to travel." I reminded him of the lie we had made up for him, which wasn't exactly much nicer than the verity. Maybe one day he would be ready to learn how things had been for real.
"Y-yes but...n-no...so so w-wrong...why? M-my mom! M-moms should be g-good like Donna and G-grace and...W-WRONG, GEE, WRONG!" he was in no condition to converse anymore. It was late and because of me he'd had a horrible day. "I...I w-was the baby. R-right, Gee?"
"Yes...I think it was you, that dream you had was probably a memory from when you were a little kid and lived with your mom." I sadly assented, feeling the tears slide down my cheeks until they landed on Frank's hair.
"I d-don't remember her. N-no. D-didn't see her face in...in the d-dream. Wh-when I saw her b-before you found me...d-didn't know her. G-grace said she w-was my mom. B-but...ASSHOLE! Sh-she and the o-other people! I...I w-was scared...so l-little and...and all w-wet and couldn't w-walk and...t-tried to talk but they d-didn't understand. G-gnomes did! P-people didn't."
"You already saw the gnomes back then?" I inquired.
"I th-think...or they w-were mouses...y-yeah. G-gee it...it w-was so so s-scary and I was c-crying a lot and h-hungry and wet and they l-laughed and music...l-loud and she screamed and h-hit me. An-and I don't think an-anyone saved me like you s-said. N-no good girl. H-had to stay there till all en-ended and p-people left."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, love. Don't think about it anymore, you're fine here and we all love you." I spoke in his ear and rocked us; the two of us crying on the cold floor of the whiskey reeking kitchen. "You know? I'm glad your mother didn't keep you. The places where you lived after she left you weren't great -specially the first one, but you'd have been worse with her."
"S-so wrong..." he muttered, tired and aching inside."...I d-didn't do...n-nothing...not m-my fault if she...if she f-forgot things and had a b-baby! N-not...NOT MY F-FAULT THAT I'M N-NOT NORMAL!"
"It's not, of course it's not. Now we're gonna go to sleep so you can calm down, ok? Wait here for a second." I left him reclined on the wall and rummaged through the cabinets, too distressed to recall where I had left what I needed. I found the packet of pills behind the pile of dishes. Since I had decided not to increase Frank's medication, Goldberg had given me sedatives to have at hand if needed. I wouldn't use them except it was strictly necessary, and I considered this was one of those occasions.
"N-no, I already t-took my pills!" Frank shook his head when I offered him the candy.
"This is not one of those, it's just something to help you feel better and sleep."
"J-just tonight?"
"Just tonight or whenever you need it, not every day like your meds."
"K-kay then." he wiped his eyes and hiccuped before putting the candy in his mouth. I had to hold the glass for him to drink some juice, he was shaking from head to toe. After that I carried him to bed.
"Y-you staying? D-don't leave!" he worried when I didn't change into my pajamas too.
"I'll stay until you fall asleep, then I'll go clean the kitchen and be back." I couldn't let that smell impregnate it all any longer.
"Y-you're not gonna d-drink?"
"I won't, I promise. I don't have anything to drink, anyway. I'm not gonna lick the floor like a dog!" I joked as I held him in my arms, my experienced fingers tracing his scalp, arms and back in the correct soothing way.
"P-puppy doesn't drink th-that shit." he said angrily. He wouldn't stop shaking and I was sure it wasn't from cold. His body was warm and I'd covered him with several blankets. "Wh-where's he?"
"He must have gotten scared, let me see." I peeped under the bed and there he was, in his usual hideout, trembling nearly as much as his owner. They seemed to be connected.
I picked up the dog and gave it to Frank who shared his blanketed shelter with him. He stroked Puppy as I caressed him. As minutes went by, both kids were breathing evenly and soon they were fast asleep.
******
For the first time in my life, while mopping the floor, the smell of alcohol made me gag. I had been scared that it could bring the temptation back once I got closer to the puddle. It was all the contrary. It only brought back images of everything that my almost-relapse had provoked: the memories that Frank was forced to relive, the past reality he'd had to accept. All because I was weak, stupid. I contrived a plan to buy that poison just when I had kept myself away from it long enough to be clean and safe. I'd never been a lost alcoholic, I was totally able to make it through without drinking. Yet I fooled Frank and bought that little bottle. I was going to drink it while he was unsuspectingly enjoying his ice cream. Low, to say the least.
However, though I was furious at my weakness and full of regret for what it had caused, I was pleased with some other details. I'd had the intention to stop right after the first sip, when I realised the strong liquid felt extraneous in my mouth and throat. I had still liked the sensation, but something was out of place. And mostly, I had loved having my ass kicked hard by Frank. Even within his particular, childish way of reacting he had been more mature and responsible than I was. He did the best that could be done to put my thoughts in order. He said what I needed to hear in the way that it would most efficiently penetrate my thick skull and embroiled brain. He had saved me from myself, once again and hopefully forever.
******
By the next morning I had made up my mind: I needed some hours away to be able to figure myself out without damaging Frank any further. It was a hard decision to make, I was aware that he would want to stick to me after that complicated night; but he needed peace and I couldn't give him that at the moment.
I was going to pay my old house a visit and spend the day with my mother. She didn't have to work until the night, which gave me enough time to spill everything to her. I would let her pamper me, I would listen to her selfless advices. We would talk for hours and I'd be able to voice all my thoughts. She wouldn't mind me bitching, screaming and throwing tantrums. I'd go back home at late afternoon, probably drained but divested of all this negativity. It was for the greater good.
"Ray, are you sure you can stay?" I asked him while feeding Frank his cereal. He had woken up when I did and insisted on getting up even thought he was rather absent.
"Yes, no problem. I already talked to Bob, so in case my dad requires me before you're back....he'll replace me."
"Okay..."
"Gerard, don't think so much. It's a good idea, you need a motherly brain wash." he laughed.
"W-wanna go see m-mom, too." Frankie mumbled.
"I'll take you next weekend." I promised.
"B-but you're going n-now...not f-fair."
"Frankie...Gerard and Donna are gonna be talking the whole day, you'd get bored." Ray chimed in.
"Ah, k-kay. B-but Gee...then you c-come back, will y-you?"
"I'll be back before it's night and in a much better mood!" I kissed his sugared lips.
"And...and th-then we make l-love." Frank demanded secretly. He had been more sexually needy those last days, though by 'making love' he never meant actually having sex. We hadn't done it again and I had no complains about it. I didn't miss having sex at all.
"Then we make love." I murmured back.
"I can hear you, you know?" Ray protested. "Not the kind of information I need at 8 in the morning...or ever."
Ray's POV
I was left with a static boy staring at me blankly. There wasn't much I could do when he was this groggy. I knew Frank had been very nervous the night before and Gerard had given him a sedative. Not wanting to touch the subject in front of him, my friend had been rather vague to me about what happened. I'd only deciphered that it was related to Frankie's mother. I hoped Gerard secrecy was only due to lack of time and privacy and he wasn't hiding something important from me again.
"You ok, Frankie?" I inquired, seeing his eyelids fall.
"Y-yeah I'm...a l-little dizzy."
"Hold on to my neck." I bended down and then lifted him from the chair. Frankie was certainly heavy, yet I was always careful to not mention it or let my face show the effort; I knew his weight was a delicate subject for him. I agreed with Gerard that Frank's mental health was far more important than his appearance, and he looked fine anyway. Not what I would call fat, just chubby. It wouldn't be a problem at all if he didn't need to be carried that often. Sometimes he was dizzy, sometimes he was asleep. Other times he was too tired and lazy, and none of us dared say 'no' to those eyes. The boy deserved all the affection we could provide him.
"I'll stay here with you and we'll watch TV until you feel better." I plopped on the couch beside him. I could use some leisure time.
"K-kay, thanks." he placed his head on my lap so I'd brush his hair with my fingers as per usual.
Having someone who was only a few years younger than me treat me like his uncle had been awkward in the beginning. Then I eventually learned to forget about his age. For moments Frank was just a little kid seeking comfort and protection, that was all I had to think of.
After a while, I noticed him looking at me instead of the TV. "Something wrong?"
"R-ray...Gee's s-sad...'cause of his j-job." he expressed with shiny eyes.
"He'll be alright. Sarah's going to forgive him, don't worry."
"I kn-know but...b-but she has to f-forgive him now 'c-cause...Gee's too s-sad and n-nervous and could d-do bad things. I d-don't want that!" There was something in his tone that made me suspicious.
"Has he done anything bad?"
"Uh..." he went silent, the confirmation I needed. Had Gerard been drinking? That's the fist thing that crossed my mind, though I wouldn't ask Frank. "...n-no, no he d-didn't! N-no, nothing! B-but I wanna h-help him."
"How would you help him?" I was always eager to hear his ideas. They could be surprisingly coherent or hilariously ridiculous, but interesting without exception. His imagination was three times more developed than ours.
"T-take me s-somewhere...pretty please?" he was brief and to the point this time. Weren't we talking about helping Gerard, anyway? Frankie could easily disorient you with his changes of subject.
"It'd have to be after lunch but..."
"Y-yes that's f-fine but please, un-uncle!" he knew so well how the 'uncle' and the praying hands could win me over.
"Ok! But...care to tell me where you wanna go?"
"T-to see Sarah." he smiled. If it was what I thought, I was going to be so moved that I would cry right there. I wasn't one to cry often, but Frank and his kindness touched my heart in such a way that it was unavoidable.
"What for, kiddo?"
"G-gotta talk to her, 'bout G-gerard. I...I'll be g-good, won't b-bitch. R-really!" he stared at me hopefully. I broke down. "R-rayyy...why you c-cry now?"
"Nothing...you're just too nice, you know that? Of course we can go." He had helped Gerard many times before, so why not give it a try?
I wasn't completely convinced of consenting to Frank's request, mostly because I didn't have my car with me. Frankie was quiet and sluggish; his meds had hit him stronger and his stability wasn't the best. I suggested going the following day but he wouldn't have it. He swore that he felt fine and could walk as long as it was slow and not all rushed like Gerard had made him walk the night before. I asked where they'd gone, finding it odd that they had left the house at night. If it had been a date, Frankie would have told me about it all excited as soon as he saw me. But no, he said they went for ice cream and other stuff. I supposed it had been one of Frank's whims and Gerard just wanted to go back home quickly. His paranoia was striking again and he was permanently scared of being followed.
I was in no hurry, so I let Frank choose the pace. In spite of his urge to go, he took it easy. He shuffled most of the time, stopping by toy and candy stores and dragging me into a pet shop where he nearly cried together with three sad looking German Shepherd puppies. I caught him trying to open their cage and stopped him just in time before the shop's owner noticed.
"B-but Ray...th-they don't like to be th-there!" he whined after I pulled him outside.
"I understand, Frankie, but you can't just free them. We'd have to pay for them and they're expensive. They're also big when they grow up, you can't have them at home."
"Wh-why pay? Th-they're not things, th-they're alive! Sh-shouldn't sell them. Sh-should give them to an-anyone who wants to l-love them. I d-didn't buy Puppy! H-he was waiting f-for us. Yep." His philosophy -expressed loudly and marked with pompous hand gestures- made too much sense sometimes.
"Honestly, I agree with you...but others don't. You have to pay for breed dogs. Puppy isn't."
"Wh-who cares?" he shrugged. "Th-that's all sh-shit."
The rest of the walk was pretty much the same. Luckily the day wasn't that cold so it was nice to be outside, just strolling and commenting on things we saw. Once in a while people would stare at Frank and he'd smile widely at them. He wouldn't get a positive response in most of cases -sometimes even all the contrary, but whenever someone smiled back at him he'd beam. A smile meant acceptation and he was desperate for it.
******
The store was full of people. As soon as Sarah saw us enter, she gave one of the boys some indications and came over us. She greeted me sweetly and then proceeded to give Frank a hug. He didn't withdraw nor did he hug back, just stood still in her arms. Perceiving his unresponsiveness, Sarah held him at arm's length and looked at him raising an eyebrow.
"Are you okay Frankie?"
"He's a little...doped." I answered for him. To be honest I was somewhat scared of what Frank would do or say.
"N-nope. A...a little an-angry. At y-you." he glared at the woman. I eyed her helplessly.
I hadn't formed my own impression. Knowing how everything had happened, I did get Sarah's point of view and it was only logic that she'd need some time to process it all. If she had fired Gerard for being gay or openly called him a pervert -like Brad had- then it'd be a totally different situation and I would have been bitching at her.
"Because of Gerard? Frankie, I..."
"Y-you're gonna let him c-come back?" Frank cut her off.
"I'm still not sure..." she stopped. "Let's do something: you go help the boys back there and I talk to...Ray, right?"
"Yes, I'm Ray. But Frankie's the one who wanted to talk to you, Sarah."
"I w-won't go an-anywhere! G-gerard's my boyfriend and I w-want to help him and I c-came now so he d-doesn't know. I'm g-gonna speak and...and you listen, k-kay? T-told you I'm an-angry!" Frank spat at her, intending to look brave and sound imperative; though he was trembling and his voice fluctuated revealing he was about to cry. Sarah was astounded, she had never seen this side of Frankie. I admired his strength and determination when it came to stand up for Gerard.
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