Epilogue 5 страница. Gerard hums in acknowledgement and Frank looks down at their hands to continue, I'm sorry I yelled at you

Gerard hums in acknowledgement and Frank looks down at their hands to continue, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I wanted to make you talk, but you don't want to. And it's not my place to oblige you. I'll give you everything you need, but please—"

He looks up and Gerard is staring at him, his eyes filled with emotions. Frank asks of him something that he has asked him before, pleading, "Please, don't shut me out anymore. I love you."

Gerard puts the Bible down and slides his free hand over Frank's cheek, so sweetly that Frank closes his eyes under this divine touch. Gerard whispers to him, "I love you too. I'm sorry I can't—"

"Shhh. We'll figure something out," Frank shushes him, leaning forward until they let go of each other's hands and hug tightly. Frank wants much more, though, and nudges at Gerard's jaw with his nose.

When Gerard's face is in the perfect angle, Frank kisses him softly, his lips pressed tight against Gerard's and the tip of Gerard's tongue pushing into his mouth. Frank crawls over Gerard's lap and wraps an arm around his neck, the other hand resting over his heart, feeling its steady beat, as they make out lovingly. Frank still loves these kisses very much and sighs because he has missed the part of Gerard that is sweet and affectionate. With their chests pressed together and Gerard's arms tight around Frank's torso, Gerard hums insistently and slides his hands to Frank's ass, squeezing the flesh over the jeans.

He says, "I want you so much, Frank, you have no idea. I crave for your touch every single day. I burn when you're not with me, but I can't—" Gerard buries his face in Frank's neck, but Frank can't really tell his exact message. If Gerard can't get hard, Frank can't judge him for feeling embarrassed; he can only be the understanding person he's been so far.

"There are so many ways you can touch me," Frank whispers into Gerard's ear, making Gerard moan and squeeze Frank's ass. It feels good, but not to the point of sexual need. First and foremost, Gerard needs to be comforted and Frank shall provide him that the best way he can.

Gerard interrupts Frank's thoughts with a kiss, but stops it abruptly so that they can get up. Once they're standing by the bed, Frank pulls Gerard close for a kiss and lets him take his clothes off. Then they lie down on the bed together, Frank naked, Gerard in a t-shirt and shorts, and they make out until they're tired and it's late.

Right before he falls asleep, Frank is lost in Gerard's embrace and smiles at tonight's progress. Maybe he still doesn't know exactly what is wrong with Gerard, but they just had a beautiful moment of intimacy.

The next day, a Monday, Frank wakes up early and Gerard is still sleeping. Last night, Frank had lain there just like this, watching Gerard sleep, wondering what he could do to stimulate Gerard's body. He had a few random ideas and he hopes they will take him somewhere, not to any more fights. He wants to make Gerard comfortable with Frank, not make him mad.

This morning, Frank's morning wood is perfect for his plan, but first he needs to check that Gerard is on the same boat. He didn't get hard before, but maybe that's not the rule for morning erections. Frank knows those come naturally in a man's state of sleep, but when he slides a hand to Gerard's front, Gerard is not hard.

Frank gets out of bed and walks to Gerard's side, kneeling on the floor, pulling the covers back and taking Gerard's limp cock in his hand. He works on it until Gerard wakes up, but he gets no results. Gerard doesn't get hard. He only grabs Frank's wrist, makes him stop and faces away from Frank.

Frank doesn't get upset over this attitude, but he's truly concerned about Gerard, so he gets dressed and goes to Gerard's office, leaving his working desk alone with Gerard's art material on it and sitting at the desk with the laptop, wanting to do research on the issue Gerard is going through at the moment.

What Frank reads is not problematic, because erectile dysfunction is treatable in every man if they persist on a treatment, but he also finds out that it can have many causes, including too much stress or even the constant worrying about one's sexual performance because apparently one's mind can inhibit the body from functioning correctly. Therefore, Frank's plan is even more likely to be successful.

He leaves his research behind when the information he gathers becomes repetitive and works on more ideas to surprise Gerard and change the course of their relationship.

In the afternoon, as Gerard goes into the office, Frank goes out for a walk. He gets his cell phone out from his pants pocket and calls Dr. Conan, the doctor he works with, explaining the situation as much as he can and asking for advice on how to tackle the issue. Dr. Conan sends him a text message with the name and number of a friend of his, and Frank calls the recommended urologist right away and they talk briefly. Dr. Yarn tells Frank that the information he found online is very accurate and that worrying about one's sexual performance can cause a dysfunction in one's abilities, and that working as a couple can make things right again if the problem isn't very developed.

Satisfied with this call, Frank stops at a café and sits at one of the tables outside to soak up some sunlight. He tells the waitress that he's waiting for someone. Then, he calls Gerard and asks him to meet up for a snack together, which Gerard accepts. There's a smile on his face when he appears in front of Frank, blocking the sun for a second until he sits down and, sipping on their ordered mocha lattes, Frank asks Gerard to tell him about the art he's been working on.

They go out for dinner that night as well and it's very relaxed. Gerard holds Frank's hand as they walk back home, a long time after the sun has set.

Tuesday turns out to be a very hot day. Frank wakes up late and Gerard isn't in bed, but he isn't in the office either, so he can only have gone for his daily summer morning jog. Before he gets back, Frank thinks of what he can do today, drinking a mug full of coffee and eating buttered bread toast.

Frank is checking an email from the band manager when he hears the door opening and gets up immediately, walking out of the office and into the living room. When Gerard sees him, he stops and blinks, staring at Frank because Frank is naked.

Frank decided to stay indoors today and will walk around the house with no clothes on. Gerard is still standing by the open door and someone outside is walking down the stairs, flip flops echoing loud as it hits the floor, and Gerard finally shuts the door with a hasty bang. Frank giggles at him.

Gerard frowns questioningly and says, "What are you doing?"

"I was just checking my email, but I heard the door and wanted to greet you with a morning kiss," Frank replies and does so, pecking Gerard's cheek tenderly. Gerard feels hot and sweaty, but that doesn't deter Frank. Then, he points out, "You took a longer jog this morning."

"Oh yes, sorry. I — uh," Gerard stutters for a while, never taking his eyes away from Frank's. This is a good sign that Gerard is no longer afraid of facing Frank. "I sat at the park for a while, just thinking about last night."

"It was amazing, wasn't it? Thank you for going out with me," Frank says kind of dreamily and embraces Gerard, pecking his lips until he hums contentedly.

"It was my pleasure. I loved it and it's been too long since—" Gerard interrupts himself and clears his throat. He is slightly fidgety, and Frank realizes that he is still nervous about mentioning their previous months, but he understands that. "Well, since the last time we did something like that, so comfortably. But anyway, what's this? Why are you naked?"

"Well, it's really, really hot today and I just didn't feel like putting clothes on. I thought you'd like it, too." Frank grins.

"Sure, I like it. I never said that I didn't, but I just don't understand why you'd wait for me in the nude."

"Don't make a huge deal out of it." Frank steps away from Gerard and takes a few steps towards the office, turning his back to Gerard, but he turns his head around to suggest, "Do you wanna join me?"

Gerard laughs gaily. "I'd rather cook lunch with my clothes on."

"We can always order take out!" Frank exclaims, wiggling his eyebrows. He's leaning on one elbow against the doorway to the office and winks at Gerard, who is standing there with that anticipation in his eyes, looking Frank up and down, taking Frank in, but Frank chooses to ignore it. Nothing is going to happen today until Gerard makes a move first.

"And who's gonna open the door to the delivery guy?" Gerard asks, sounding like he's not amused anymore.

Frank laughs, watching Gerard as he gets the pamphlet with their favorite take out possibilities from on top of the fridge. They choose something to eat and make the call. Afterwards, Frank drags Gerard to the bedroom to take his clothes off as well and then, Frank answers the door to the delivery guy completely naked before Gerard can stop him. Gerard just stays behind and after the guy's gone, Frank finds him hiding in the corner between the hall and the entrance area, blushing.

The rest of the day can't go any better than a movie marathon in the living room and putting on aprons to cook dinner, and eating in the balcony as the sun burns orange in the horizon.

And the easy ambiance between them goes on through Wednesday. Both of them go jogging in the morning, then shower together and don't get dressed afterwards until it's time to go out. Frank has a show to play tonight and Gerard comes along, and they stay at the club until it's late and Frank is drunk. Gerard drank a bit too, but he's merely tipsy because he has to drive them home safely. When they go to bed, naked all over again, Frank slurs to Gerard, "I love you so much, Gerard. Thanks for supporting my band and for giving me these wonderful moments in life. You make me so happy. I don't ever want to leave you, okay? So don't ever leave me either."

"I won't, Frank. I promise."

Frank hums and falls asleep, with his head comfortably placed on Gerard's shoulder.

Thursday morning, Frank wakes up all of a sudden and his first thought is that he's hard. He might have had a dream, but he doesn't remember anything in particular, but his cock is heavy and his skin is damp. He looks to the side and Gerard is still sleeping, lying on his back with his mouth slightly open and emitting a low snore. Frank remembers one of his ideas and takes a hand to Gerard's crotch, finding it not hard, which still concerns him. He kisses Gerard's face, bites his neck, rubs his skin, wanting to wake Gerard up. When Gerard starts mumbling and Frank is sure he won't go back to sleep, he sits up, leans back against his pillow and wraps a hand around his own cock, jerking off.

He keeps looking at Gerard as he works over his hard dick, moaning Gerard's name softly once in a while. When Gerard catches his gaze, finally awake, Frank doesn't look away. Gerard doesn't even react; he just holds a confused look in his eyes, which then turns into utter anticipation as he watches, looking Frank up and down. Frank keeps jerking off, moaning and humming and keeping his eyes open, showing Gerard how good he feels. Gerard has always had a kink for watching Frank masturbating, struggling to keep his eyes open as pleasure takes over his entire body.

Frank comes in slow spasms, but he doesn't care to look at his crotch. Gerard is still focused on him, and then he's spent and Gerard is sitting up to lean over Frank. They're kissing in the next second, Frank moaning the remains of his bliss into Gerard's mouth until Gerard ends up lying on top of Frank.

They spend the whole morning in bed, cuddling and making out and getting Frank off a second time. There is no jogging today and breakfast is late and, in the afternoon, they go to the beach and take a walk by the shore that takes over two hours. Frank is happy to be sharing this bond and these moments with Gerard all over again, one arm wrapped around Gerard's middle the whole time. They go back and buy a take away meal in a restaurant close to their building and, after the food is gone and the game show they're watching on TV is over, Frank announces, "I'm going to take a shower."

Frank doesn't plan on taking much time, but he's surprised when Gerard opens the shower curtain. He's naked, too. "Can I?" Frank nods and waits for Gerard to step inside the shower cabin gently.

When they turn off the water, Gerard kneels down so Frank can wash his hair and they wash each other carefully, sharing caresses and hums and little moans. In the end, they're both clean and smelling good as they rinse the foam off of their bodies, and then Gerard kisses Frank rather suddenly, catching him by surprise. Frank opens his mouth under Gerard's insistent lips, hot and wet and everything Frank needs. He wraps himself around Gerard, arms around his neck, one leg around his hips until Gerard slides his arms down under Frank's ass and lifts him up easily.

With both his legs now around Gerard's body, Frank lets Gerard push him against the wall, Frank's cock trapped in between them, hard as a rock. He moans and feels the touch of Gerard's body everywhere, the shower wall feeling cold against his back, and that feels fantastic after this deep lack of love. This kiss, and Gerard's chest so close and warm, drives Frank crazy and breathless, and he pulls away from the kiss to stare into Gerard's eyes. They're dark and profound, and Frank finds only love and want in them, as they pant in the shower.

Gerard says, "You're so beautiful, so young and attractive and everything I could ever want. I love you so much." He repeats this last sentence over and over again while Frank weaves his hands through Gerard's longish hair. In the end, Frank eagerly searches for Gerard's open mouth to engage them in another rightful kiss.

Frank pulls slightly on Gerard's hair to say something and his voice comes out strangled when he demands, "Take me to bed."

"Say that again." Gerard hums and Frank obeys, his voice still cracking with every word. Gerard interrupts him and covers Frank's lips with his, hands tight on Frank's ass and making him burn with desire. When Gerard breaks the kiss, it's with a groan and he says, "It's my pleasure to do so."

Gerard collapses on the bed on his back, panting, and he feels really clammy when Frank crawls over his body, kissing a trail up his chest. Frank spent the last minutes rimming Gerard the best he could, using all the tricks Gerard has taught him over time. He noticed that Gerard didn't really get hard at any point, but Frank could feel him shaking at some point and he could definitely hear the pleasure in Gerard's moans. Now, they're just making out on the bed, Gerard sighing when Frank breaks the kiss.

"Mmm. I feel great. Thank you so much," Gerard says, kissing the corner of Frank's mouth while Frank smiles down at him. "It felt like an orgasm, except I'm not hard and I didn't ejaculate."

"Well, I think you kind of did? At least, your skin feels wet, so there must have been some sort of—" Frank trails off as he caresses the sensitive skin on Gerard's lower stomach. He shakes his head, though, and smiles wider. "It doesn't matter. I don't care about the technicalities of the whole thing. I just want to know how you feel right now."

Gerard grins. "I feel amazing. Thanks to you."

They hug, cuddle and pull the bedding over their naked bodies. Frank lays his head on Gerard's chest as they relax. Frank shudders at the thought that there is something he needs to discuss with Gerard and gets to it before they fall asleep.

"Gerard?" Gerard hums in response. "Can we talk about this now? Preferably without fighting."

Gerard is silent at first, but agrees. They sit up with the covers up to their stomachs and the light from the nightstand lamp falling gently over Gerard's figure. Frank says, "I think I have figured out what's wrong with you and I wish you'd talk to me about it. At first, I honestly thought you were acting weird due to the new job, or the new apartment since it's much smaller than the other house, or that you were merely stressed over things, but as this year passed and we started fighting about the age difference, and the band, and the after parties, and practically everything else in between, I didn't understand. It didn't make sense to me, but this week has made it so clear to me. And I don't believe you think you're too old for me."

"Why haven't you been able to get hard?" he wraps it up with a frank question. Gerard looks down embarrassedly.

"I don't know," he says quietly, hands fidgeting around the edge of the bed sheets. Frank draws a hand over his because he doesn't want Gerard to keep this in any longer. This problem, whatever it is, or whatever is causing it, it belongs to the two of them. Frank tells Gerard exactly this and finally, he looks up and says, "Not being able to perform sexually does make me feel like I don't give you enough anymore. And it's why I started those fights. I do know it was really unfair, though, I'm so sorry."

"That's over now, don't worry. It was tough at times, but it's okay. I'm more concerned about your situation now. Talk to me about it."

Gerard nods, clasping his hands on his lap, contemplating what to say next. Frank waits patiently; he gets that it's difficult for Gerard to talk about this and doesn't want to hurt Gerard's feelings, but they need to talk it out to fix it as quick as possible.

"It started out as a stress thing, about the new school and the new students. You know how awful everything was at first, with the disobedience and the uninterested kids, and it all got to me harshly. It started affecting my personal life, and well my sexual interest. I was worn out all the time, so I let it go and soon I wasn't even getting morning erections. I've been so embarrassed about this that I couldn't even let you touch me. I had all these feelings, and I craved for you, but I couldn't—"

Frank squeezes Gerard's hand when he hesitates, reassuring him that it's alright. Gerard can trust him with everything. "Whenever we went out together, I hated being seen with you. It felt like everyone could see that I wasn't pleasuring you anymore. We were always so great in bed, and now I can't even—" Gerard stops abruptly, a pained expression on his face as he grows quiet. Frank caresses Gerard's fingers with his own, and they remain silent for a while as Gerard seems to struggle to find the right words.

"I'm so sorry," Gerard says at last as he takes a deep breath and Frank looks up, finding him with his eyes closed and a miserable frown upon his forehead. He's scared of something.

"It's not your fault," Frank says, sweetly. "And you don't have to be embarrassed. This is normal."

Gerard starts shaking his head, but Frank insists, "A lot of men go through this same problem every year. And I've done some research and read that it's treatable."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that." Gerard's voice is almost sad and his eyes are huge and dark when he opens them. Frank gets lost in Gerard's fear, hurting with him, but not understanding what he's trying to say.

"What, what do you mean? Of course it is, there are a lot—"

"I've tried that before." Gerard pauses and Frank gulps, wide-eyed, waiting for the rest, wondering what this might mean. "I have seen a doctor about this, on my own. I couldn't deal with the embarrassment of not trying to fix it and of having to tell you that I couldn't get hard, so I went to a private practice where nobody knew me. I tried a treatment for almost five months, but I wasn't getting any better, so I just stopped."

"How long has this been going on?"

Gerard hesitates at first, and his reply comes out in choked out words. "I started the treatment in January. It was horrible. I had to hide this from you because I didn't think you'd understand how I felt. Suddenly, I was useless and I lost a great part of my self-esteem, so I started stepping away from you and it led to the fights and to finding excuses to justify my behavior, but I know how wrong I was. I should have told you from the beginning. I've been only hurting you and damaging our relationship."

Frank nods. "I just don't understand why you didn't tell me. I would have supported you. We've always been close in this relationship and a mere physical problem started tearing us apart. It's not fair."

"I know, Frank. I'm sorry."

"I don't just love you for the sex, so I don't know why you acted like you didn't have anything else to offer, but that's enough. Let's not cry over spilt milk. We just have to find another doctor and ask for a second opinion."

Gerard makes an upsetting face, the corners of his mouth turning down. "Do I really have to go through that again?"

"You don't have to, and I won't pressure you about it, but I think we should try. We'd be in this together now, so I could help you."

Gerard doesn't reply. He keeps quiet and his face holds a hurtful expression. Frank caresses his face and kisses the corner of Gerard's mouth, trying to reassure him that everything would be alright. He's been keeping this issue to himself for long enough and it's about time he lets Frank help him out with it. "Maybe that's what you needed at the time. Someone to support you through the whole thing."

Gerard nods, solemnly, but still doesn't say anything. He lets Frank hold him after they lie back down under the bedding, but the rest of the night is silent. It hurts, but at the same time the thought of having had this conversation is comforting. Frank isn't going to force Gerard to do anything. He'll just be there for him when Gerard needs him.

September.

Frank and Gerard are at the hospital. Gerard came to meet Frank here an hour ago, as Frank now works full time. He still works as an assistant in the Psychology ward, because joining the Police force has proved to be difficult. Frank has sent in his application and is waiting to be called to perform tests and hopefully be granted a position, since he struggled so hard through college to get qualified for a Profiler job.

For now, he's still at the hospital and Gerard is with him, in the waiting room of the Urology ward, waiting to be called.

Gerard scheduled an appointment back in August after Frank convinced him to call the urologist he had been recommended, and thankfully Dr. Yarn was very helpful. Just last week, Gerard had a lot of tests done, including a general check-up and more specific ones to his reproductive system, and even actual tests to his genitalia. Frank hadn't been allowed to be with Gerard during those tests; he had to wait in the waiting room for hours and it had been pretty heartbreaking to see Gerard leave the hospital with an uncomfortable expression and in a quiet mood. Frank didn't dare to question him, but the next day they spoke about what he had felt and Frank consoled him the best he could.

Today, a week later, Gerard came to meet Frank at the end of his shift and now they're just sitting here, waiting. Frank spent the weekend completely uneasy and on the edge, watching and supporting Gerard as he was so anxious about this moment. Frank tried to show Gerard that he can relax and they had a few cute moments together, cuddling, watching movies or simply talking about things unrelated to Gerard's physical condition. That process continues now, as Frank picks up the newspaper he bought before Gerard arrived, hoping to pass a soothing message.

There is an article that catches his attention, another child pornography scandal involving Catholic priests and he silently praises Gerard for always having been a respectable person instead of a pervert like those men. They were supposed to be servants of God, but they were only beasts who molested innocent people. Frank is pretty disgusted with this article, but he is assaulted by a question when he reads what the Vatican had decided to do with the priests.

"How was it when you went to the Vatican?" Frank asks Gerard, but he doesn't reply. Frank looks up, noticing that Gerard is tapping his foot constantly on the floor and biting his nails furiously. Frank smiles softly, understandingly, and takes Gerard's hand down from his mouth. "You're going to hurt yourself. Calm down."

Gerard has a slightly crazed, panicked expression and his hair is standing up at random angles, but Frank weaves his hands through it to straighten it and holds Gerard's hand carefully. Gerard looks at him and murmurs, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand that you're nervous, but I was asking you something," Frank tells him softly, squeezing Gerard's hand. It's still so much bigger than Frank's and Frank has always felt so secure while being held by Gerard's hands, but right now he hopes that Gerard feels better by this strong hold that Frank has on him now.

"What is it?"

"You never told me much about your visits to the Vatican," Frank says, realizing that they hadn't talked about this many times during the years they've been together. That's actually a little strange, but there's something else Frank has to add, "I'd like to go there with you some day. I've been curious about the city my whole life."

"I'd love to take you there." Frank notices that Gerard's answer is vague and tense, which seems a bit strange to him, and then Gerard starts biting another nail.

Frank shakes his head at all this nervousness and, although he understands, he knows Gerard's worry is unnecessary. He says, "Don't be so nervous. It's gonna be alright, you'll see. I'm sure you're fine."

"If I was fine, I wouldn't be here," Gerard points out fretfully.

Nodding, Frank holds his hand tighter, throwing the newspaper to the chair beside his. "Don't think about it like that. I have faith in your body, and a lot of faith in you."

Gerard sighs, deflating, and stops tapping his foot against the floor. He looks at Frank again, but with a clearer expression now. "Thank you, but I'm still nervous."

Frank giggles and Gerard smiles, in a sweet, small moment. Frank envelops Gerard's lower back with his left arm, still holding Gerard's hand on his right one, and lowers his head to Gerard's shoulder. Frank sighs. "It's gonna be alright."

They're so close now, with Frank wrapped up around Gerard, and they keep waiting, but not for too long. A voice calls Gerard's full name and then they look up.

There's a nurse looking around the room and they get up at last, following the woman through the hall and into the doctor's office. Dr. Yarn smiles at them and gets up from his chair behind the glass desk to shake their hands. This doctor has always been very approachable, warm and confident, even before the appointment last week, when Frank had called him and asked several questions about Gerard's problem and the dysfunction in itself.

"Sit down, please." Frank sees a digital device on the desk and reaches for Gerard's hand, squeezing it as the doctor takes the device and looks at Gerard. He just stares back with an uptight expression on his face and an anxious tremble on his bottom lip. Frank waits with him, feeling his heartbeat in his mouth and stomach, but he will never let Gerard go through any ordeal as serious as this on his own. He looks back at the doctor when he starts talking.

"I'm sorry we kept you waiting for so long, but there were some inconsistencies in your tests and I had to discuss them with a colleague over videoconference. It took longer than I had expected." He clears his throat and Frank notices that Gerard is shaking slightly and tapping his foot on the floor again, so he moves his chair closer to Gerard's. Linking arms with Gerard and squeezing his hand, Frank wants to show him nothing but his support about the upcoming news, whatever it is.

"I don't think I've told you before," the doctor continues, looking directly at Gerard. "But it's advised to men over fifty years old to do this kind of tests every two years, mainly concerning any prostatic issues. With this kind of results, however, you must start having these tests regularly right away. The fact is that, while the general check-up is completely normal, we noticed slight anomalies on your prostate. It's mostly a hormonal predicament that can be reversed with a simple treatment." Frank nods at him and catches a glimpse of Gerard as he processes this information. It's better than being told that their situation can't be fixed. If this treatment brings Gerard's erections back and his self-esteem along with it, Frank is satisfied enough. He hopes Gerard feels the same.

Дата добавления: 2015-08-27