Epilogue 4 страница

He starts by kissing Gerard harder, pressing onto his lips with his tongue and as Gerard's mouth opens under Frank's, Gerard hums and drapes one hand over the back of Frank's neck, the other around Frank's hips.

Frank moans and slides further over the sheet, skimming his leg over Gerard's body, moving his knee upward until he rubs against Gerard's crotch. He wants to see if there's any reaction, but Gerard only rolls them around and lies on top of Frank. He lets it happen, lets Gerard trap his hands against the mattress and roll his hips over Frank's cock until he's hard. Frank loses himself in this pleasure of being loved by Gerard, moaning as Gerard kisses down his chest and stomach and then on his cock.

Sucking Frank off is quick tonight, but it's nothing less than an amazing blowjob, because Gerard has not lost any of his abilities with his tongue. It's still heavy and wet and down to the point, right where Frank likes it and where it makes Frank moan and thrash on the bed, driving Frank mad with his skills. When he comes, he pulls Gerard back on top of him, kissing his mouth and sliding a hand down his shorts, trying to reciprocate. Gerard, however, gets off of Frank gently and lies back on his side, on the mattress.

"Don't worry about it," he says with a sigh, closing his eyes and staying at an arm's distance from Frank. Apparently, their proximity tonight is over again.

Of course Frank is worried, though and he slides a hand over Gerard's side and over his crotch again, getting a feel of it, but he finds no erection there. Gerard is not hard, not even after sucking Frank off, which used to put him in overdrive and Frank never took too long getting him off afterwards. Tonight, Frank tries to be smooth and wraps one hand around Gerard's cock, as he keeps his eyes closed and sighs every once in a while. He kisses Gerard again and curls his leg around Gerard's, trying to get him hard, but nothing happens. Gerard even takes Frank's hand away after a while, sighing deeper.

"Just— Don't bother," Gerard says, but his voice doesn't fool Frank. He sounds terribly sad.

"Is everything alright?" Frank interrupts, truly concerned. Could Gerard's problem be so bad that if he thinks too much about it, his body won't let him perform sexually? Frank caresses his face, thumbing at Gerard's cheekbone and whispers, "I'll always be here for you, so don't be afraid to talk to me. I love you, Gerard."

Frank wraps it up with a small kiss on Gerard's lips, but he doesn't get any other form of reply. Frank lets it go for now and pecks Gerard's cheek, turning around so that Gerard can spoon behind him with his face buried in Frank's messy hair.

Neither of them says anything else, but Frank wonders what is wrong with Gerard. Now that he really thinks about it, back in February, Gerard jerked Frank off, but Frank didn't do anything in return because Gerard refused to let Frank touch his dick. There's something more to this and Frank will find out what it is, and most importantly he'll make Gerard talk about it. This silence won't solve anything.

On Friday night, Frank surprises Gerard by getting into the bathroom when he's in the shower. He wants to try every possible approach to either get Gerard hard or get a reaction from him. Tonight, they wash each other off, but Frank gets really sensual while doing it. He wants to test Gerard's body.

Frank drops to his knees and washes Gerard's legs, eyes locked on Gerard's fretful gaze, then moves both hands over his ass, massaging his muscles and grasping them tight. Moving forward to his crotch, Frank semi-closes his eyes and drops small kisses on Gerard's stomach as he lathers the soap softly. Frank's hard afterwards, but Gerard is just blushing and avoiding Frank's touch. Gerard is not hard at all.

It has crossed Frank's mind that maybe Gerard's problem was affecting his ability to get hard, but could that be the actual problem? Could Gerard be so cold with Frank because he can't get hard? As far as Frank is aware, men are known for this kind of problem after a certain age, so it isn't uncommon, but he understands that it can be embarrassing. He realizes that it's a powerful reason to make Gerard believe that he no longer is good enough for Frank, since Frank is only twenty-five and has always been very fond of sex. With that image from the past in his mind, of loving Gerard in bed for hours, Frank wants to take matters into his own hands.

They have two more weeks at home alone, so he will either get Gerard hard by being persistent, or he will make Gerard admit what's wrong by pushing his buttons. Talking about it will be a big step for Gerard, since he rarely admits that something is wrong with him until it's either fixed or unavoidable. For now, though, they lie in bed and when Gerard falls asleep after only a few minutes, Frank lies there wondering how he can push Gerard into talking about his problems.

He doesn't do anything until Sunday night. They've been at home for a few hours, after they spent the weekend at the beach. Frank told his mother he wanted to go to the house his parents have bought by the shore years ago, where they used to spend their summers when Frank was a kid, and Gerard was agreeable. It was meant for them to be alone in a place that wasn't their apartment, but it was rather uneventful.

So on Sunday night, Frank takes a shower last and, when he leaves the bathroom, Gerard is in the office. The door is closed, so Frank goes to the bedroom and waits for him there, reading his book. When Gerard finally gets to the room, rubbing the back of his neck and yawning, in shorts and a t-shirt, Frank closes the book and smiles at him. He asks, "Are you coming to bed?"

Gerard yawns again and hums, before he says, "It's late and I'm tired from driving back from the beach. We might not have done much at the house, but it feels like it was exhausting." He sits down on the bed and rolls his shoulders uncomfortably, groaning, and Frank has an idea.

"Let me help you relax," he says in a low voice, getting up on his knees. He approaches Gerard from behind and places his hands on Gerard's shoulders, massaging them softly.

"I'd rather go to sleep," Gerard kind of whines, but Frank knows better and shushes him.

"Don't say that, Gerard. We don't have to be so cold. Let me love you like this. Our summer vacations were always about us, being alone, staying in bed, going to the beach, but this year you're different," Frank says in a soft voice, trying to relax Gerard's soul as he massages his muscles. He might not know a lot about this, but he can feel how tense Gerard is and he does know how tiring driving for hours can be. Frank offered a million times to drive as soon as Gerard started showing signs of exhaustion, but he'd always refused to let Frank get behind the wheel, so it's pretty understandable why he's so tired. Frank is, however, willing to help Gerard feel at least a little better. "Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

They don't say anything else as Frank massages Gerard's shoulders and the back of his neck and down his back, but Gerard does hum appreciatively once in a while. He sounds rather pleased and Frank doesn't stop until he's rather drowsy himself. He hopes Gerard has used this silent moment to think things through, because that's the way he's always been.

In the morning, though, Frank realizes just how much Gerard has considered his issues. When they go jogging together again, they sit down at the park and Gerard says, "I thought about us last night and I have something to tell you, Frank."

After a small pause, with Frank staring into his eyes quite attentively, Gerard sighs and continues, "There is something wrong with me, I can't lie about that anymore. I will never be able to fool you, and I don't want to. But this issue that I'm currently dealing with — it's personal and complicated and, combined with the stress of teaching a senior class, it was straining me, driving me crazy. Now that I'm off from work, I want to tell you about it, but I need to gather up enough courage first."

"That's good enough for me. I just hate when you keep everything to yourself, because you don't have to carry any burdens on your own. You should open up to me about everything. That's the way we always said it would be, right?" Frank intervenes with arched eyebrows. He just wants to show Gerard that he cares and that he will do anything to support him. They've been together for a while and this relationship is very important to Frank. It's the only relationship he's ever been in and he would hate to see it fade away or just disappear. So he concludes by saying, "We're a duo."

"Yes. We're a duo," Gerard agrees, looking down at his lap.

Frank follows his eyes and smiles when Gerard lines up their hands and holds Frank's in his. His much larger palm feels safe and reassuring, and Frank has always loved how they have both always talked with their hands. Gerard's have not only made Frank feel beautiful just from their touch, but they've also been a shelter when he needed to cope with something difficult. With that thought in mind, Frank nudges Gerard's jaw with his nose and asks, "There's no reason to be awkward with me, Gerard. You can trust me."

Gerard nods, solemnly, but he's also smiling. "I know."

"Good," Frank says honestly. He really means it. He wants Gerard to be comfortable with whatever trouble he's coping with right now because Frank will be here for him whenever he needs. "Let's go home. I want to prepare you a nice, big lunch."

Smiling and holding hands, Frank and Gerard get up and walk back home. Frank is glad that Gerard is finally taking a step forward, admitting that something is bothering him.

Starting from that same afternoon, Frank and Gerard spend more time together, either making art or playing around with music programs on the computer, and watching movies or reading books; just hanging out together. It goes on through Thursday and they end up rediscovering each other, opening up all over again except about that issue that Gerard is still hiding, but Frank doesn't press him about it. In their way, they forget the recently built boundaries and just are together. It's still careful and not as normal as Frank would hope for, but it's better than the previous months.

By Wednesday night, they're in the living room watching a movie on the TV set with the French doors to the balcony open and the blinds up, the starry summer sky watching them from outside as they cuddle on the couch.

Thursday night starts a sequence of three shows. Tonight, it's energetic as always; Frank is pumped on stage and they have an exciting setlist, and the crowd is very lively and cheers the band on. Afterwards, the after party is filled with people and Frank tells Gerard that he's going to stay at the party with the rest of his band and their fans. There is a glint in Gerard's eyes when he kisses Frank goodbye that makes Frank feel like he just offered the world to his boyfriend. And he loves making Gerard happy.

While on Friday night the same thing happens, with Frank's friends driving Frank home a few hours after the show and Frank finding Gerard already in bed, Saturday is pretty different. Well, the show is equally amazing; Frank feels unstoppable and keeps looking at Gerard, who is watching the show from the side of the stage, nodding his head and tapping his foot to the rhythm, looking so damn good in those jeans. He bought them recently for the summer and they're still snug from being new, especially around Gerard's hips and thighs and, after the spotlight of a live show and after those two great nights, Frank is very hot and horny.

They go home together after Frank talks to people at the after party for a few minutes and tells his friends that he needs to go home tonight, which isn't a bother to them. Gerard kind of frowns at Frank for leaving the party tonight, but Frank mumbles something about having stayed for the last two nights and kisses Gerard, hard. Frank rubs any part of Gerard's body he can reach on their way to the car, palming at Gerard's ass, rubbing across the line of his hips, trying to mouth at Gerard's anything.

"Frank, what are you doing?" Gerard asks once they get to the car and Frank pushes him against it before he opens the driver's door. Frank grins at him and pecks his lips, but turns around and walks to the other side of the car, opening the door and getting inside.

Once they're both inside, they buckle up and Frank turns to Gerard with the same wide grin. He says, "I want you to fuck me tonight. It's been so long and this week has been so special…." He leans forward a bit to cup Gerard's crotch and squeeze it, but Gerard takes his hand away by the wrist and puts it away.

"I'll think about it," he says, starting the car and putting it in motion. Frank doesn't give up, though, and moves his hand to Gerard's thigh, grasping the flesh and looking at his profile quite intently. He wants to get something out of Gerard and it will either happen tonight or not happen at all.

"C'mon, Gerard," Frank insists, leaning further and mouthing at Gerard's ear. He plays with Gerard's earlobe, rolling his tongue over it and pulling it with his teeth. He moans to cause a reaction and well, Gerard shifts a little on his seat. He's definitely bothered by Frank's actions.

"Alright," Gerard seems to give in, making Frank smirk at him and sit back. "But at home, okay?" Frank nods, but he feels impatient and keeps his hand on Gerard's thigh. He's slightly restless because he's so heated up from the show and the prospective of having sex again, after a few nights of merely getting off and not being allowed to offer something in return. And although he isn't fully hard yet, Frank keeps adjusting his cock in his pants because he's so anxious for this and he feels like tonight is going to be special.

As soon as they're in the apartment, Frank kisses Gerard and starts taking Gerard's clothes off. Well, he unbuttons Gerard's shirt and jeans, then they take their shoes off by the bedroom door and Frank pushes Gerard onto the bed. Gerard falls back with his pants open and his chest showing; it's gorgeous to Frank, pale and smooth and, despite the slight belly Gerard is trying to get rid of, it's a sight that Frank loves. Gerard is definitely not old; he's beautiful.

Frank undresses in front of him, as sensually as he can, and finally removes his briefs, revealing his hard-on. His cock bobbles slightly as he walks towards the bed, but Frank is focused on Gerard, who is lying on the bed, supporting his weight with his elbows. He has that old look of anticipation in his eyes, so Frank knows he won't be rejected tonight. In fact, Gerard doesn't let Frank take his clothes off; he just grabs Frank's shoulders when he leans in for a kiss and turns them around. Frank lies on his back and accepts Gerard's kiss and the bite on his lips, accepts Gerard's mouth down his chest and Gerard's hand around his length.

Pulling Gerard in for a hot kiss, Frank dives his hand into Gerard's pants and wraps it around Gerard's dick, but once again there is no erection. Frank doesn't let go, though; he keeps moving his hand while Gerard jerks him off, trying to get Gerard hard or bring him some kind of pleasure. In the end, Frank comes and shouts in bliss, leaning his head back on the mattress. They're lying across the bed and Frank wants to get a better hold of Gerard's cock, but Gerard moves away before Frank can reach out for him.

Gerard gets up from the bed, but Frank grabs his hand and pulls him back in. "Where are you going? We're not finished here. I didn't even—"

"It's alright. You don't have to."

"What do you mean, I don't have to? I want to." Frank kneels on the bed and pulls him close. Tonight, Frank won't let Gerard get out of this. He has to question Gerard about it.

"It's alright, don't worry," Gerard says and tries to leave the bedroom, but Frank pulls harder on his arm and doesn't let him move.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks, trying to control his tone of voice. He's decided to get an answer tonight, but he doesn't want to sound angry. Frank moves a hand to cup Gerard's crotch, but he isn't hard at all. He never was while Frank was working his hand around his dick, the same way he never was every time Frank tried to give him some pleasure this year. "You'd better start talking. Why aren't you hard? We just—"

"Why is it so hard for you to accept that I don't want to talk about it?" Gerard bursts out, not exactly in a yell, but sounding quite harsh. It makes it seem like Frank is doing something wrong, when in fact he's just trying to communicate. That's something they did a lot before they moved here.

"Because I love you and I'm worried about you! Why don't you trust me? It's not like I'm going to judge you, you know me better than that! Are you having personal doubts? Or is this a physical issue? Just tell me what it is so we can fucking fix it. "

Gerard pulls his arm away from Frank's grasp and he stares at Frank with a hurtful look. Frank reads some embarrassment deep in his expression and he understands that Gerard might not feel confident about whatever is going on, since it's affecting his sexual performance. Did it start because he was stressed about the school year? Is it because of the age difference? Or is Gerard having doubts about their relationship? Frank just wants an answer from him. That can't be asking for too much, right?

"Gerard! Talk to me!" Frank exclaims, jumping out of bed when Gerard turns around and following him to the bathroom. The door is closed before Frank gets there, and he can hear the lock being turned from where he's standing. He knocks on the door and lowers his voice, trying to show Gerard that he isn't mad. Frank is truly worried and in need of an explanation.

"Please, Gerard, don't shut me out," he begs softly, knocking on the bathroom one last time. His persistence decreases when there's no noise coming through the door. Maybe Gerard is considering coming out, so Frank waits patiently. He restarts knocking on the door after a while, just trying to get Gerard out of there.

The lock turns then and the door opens, Gerard standing there with his clothes buttoned up again and sadness sculpted across his face. Frank worries even more when he sees Gerard like this, and tries to grab his hand and call his name, but Gerard pushes past him and goes into the bedroom. Frank calls his name and begs for an answer, but Gerard is quiet as he puts on his sneakers.

"Where are you going?" Frank asks him, sighing. He gives up on demanding another type of response from Gerard.

"I need to be alone for a while," Gerard replies, turning away from Frank and leaving the bedroom quickly.

Frank hears the front door closing with a bang shortly after. "Fuck."

He goes back to the bedroom and slips on his underwear before he sits in their peace corner and grabs Gerard's pearl white rosary. It has always been the way to be close to Gerard when he's not in the house, but Frank has never needed it so desperately. There is so much he fears about his relationship with Gerard right now and he wonders if he has jeopardized it by being so persistent with this issue. He doesn't know what else to do though.

Gerard always shuts him out when there's something bothering him and Frank has always been the one insisting with him to talk about it, to get them closer to a solution. This time, however, it's not working. Maybe Frank hasn't been persistent enough, or maybe he's using the wrong methods. He simply can't help but think about the reason why Gerard has been like this. It's pretty clear that it's about his sexual performance, since he has refused Frank's touch for such a long time, but is it because he's too stressed about something? Or has he lost interest in sex with Frank because he thinks he's too old? Or is there something more serious regarding his physical condition?

Frank doesn't have an answer and he clutches the rosary in between his hands, pressing them hard against his chest and praying. He loves Gerard more than anything, has always had enough faith in their relationship, but this year has been really difficult, so he kneels there in silence and talks to his grandmother. He wishes she had an answer for him, or a way to deliver him that message, but nothing comes.

At least, until the front door opens again.

By then, Frank is already in bed, lying down on his side, waiting for Gerard with the rosary still in his hands. The beads rattle whenever Frank moves. There are also noises echoing through the apartment as Gerard moves around, and Frank wants to get up to see what he's doing, but decides against it. He just waits because eventually Gerard will come to bed.

Except he doesn't.

The last week of vacation starts really badly. Sunday morning is very awkward and Gerard is already in the office when Frank wakes up, feeling tired and broken. Gerard doesn't even reply when Frank knocks on the office door and asks if he wants to come to Mass.

At the church, Frank sits on a pew alone, holding the pearl white rosary, but he keeps looking to his left hoping to see Gerard there. There is no one, though, and the church feels suddenly empty and scary without him there. Frank stays there for at least an hour after the service ends. He doesn't pray, doesn't talk to God or his grandmother, and he doesn't think about Gerard. He just kneels there with his hands tight around the pearl white rosary, his mind blank, and his lips pressed into a thin, tense line.

Back at home, Frank tries to get into the office so he can talk to Gerard, but the door is locked. There's a tight feeling in his chest and tears threaten to fill his eyes, but he swallows down his weakness and waits for Gerard to be ready to talk. He ends up sitting in the living room rereading parts of his favorite book, Brideshead Revisited. He needs to drown in something he knows really well, so that he doesn't think of anything else but how happy he is to have found this beautiful piece of literature early in life.

He has lunch on his own, listening to the loud noises coming from inside the office. Frank feels betrayed throughout the meal and he doesn't even finish eating, standing up and staring at the locked office door. He has his fists clenched in anger, wanting to knock furiously on the door and demand that Gerard opens up the door and talks to him, but he eventually just shakes his head and walks away. He needs a shower.

Later on, Frank leaves a note on the kitchen table stating where he's going, in case Gerard has forgotten that this was planned. He has a meeting with the band and their manager to discuss a possible nationwide tour. Frank only comes back around dinnertime and Gerard is at the table eating a salad, but the moment Frank comes into the kitchen, Gerard picks up his bowl and goes back into the office, ignoring Frank's purely cordial greeting.

The sound of the lock echoes through the house in between Frank's calls of Gerard's name.

In the living room, Frank eats nothing but a sandwich and watches a movie on repeat, one of his favorites so that he barely has to pay attention, until Gerard comes out of the office. While he waits, sitting on the couch, he doesn't give himself any time to think things through. He gets gradually angry at Gerard for hiding from him when something clearly happened last night, and tells himself that they can no longer live without talking about this. Gerard is going to talk tonight, whether he wants it or not.

So it's not really a surprise when Frank jumps up from the couch as soon as he hears the office door opening. He rushes after Gerard towards the bedroom and snaps at him, going straight to the point. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Gerard ignores Frank, though, taking off his sweatpants and sliding into the pair of shorts he usually sleeps in. "Gerard, look at me. It's been too long. You have to talk to me."

But Gerard still doesn't reply. He takes his t-shirt off and opens one of the two drawers on the lowest part of their closet, where he keeps his t-shirts. Frank squints at his back because Gerard won't turn around and face him, and that is not acceptable. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

Frank wraps a hand around Gerard's arm, forcing him to spin on his heels. They're finally face to face and the miserable look in Gerard's face terrifies Frank. He doesn't know exactly what he should do, but he's angry now and there's no way to stop the words from coming out. "You locked yourself in the office the whole day and didn't even go to Mass. You act like everything is normal when we're with our family, putting up a show for them like they don't need to know the truth. What's going on? Why didn't you let me touch you last night?"

Gerard is still quiet, but his grip tightens on the t-shirt he's holding. Frank starts to think that he has hit right where it hurts Gerard. "Is this about sex? Do you not want to have sex anymore?"

There is still no response from Gerard and it pisses Frank off. "Fucking talk to me!"

Frank pushes Gerard back and the t-shirt falls from his hands, but Gerard only stares back at Frank, unresponsive. However, Frank can kind of hear his teeth gnashing, and sees a muscle twitching in Gerard's jaw as he tenses and, when Gerard starts speaking, it's with a mix of anger and sadness. "I want to have sex with you, Frank, of course I do, but the thing is, I no longer can. And I wish you'd leave it alone. It can't be that fucking hard."

"I've left it alone for months and it hasn't made you talk about it, so no. I won't do that anymore. Either talk to me or ask me to leave." Frank says firmly. They stare at each other for a few moments, in silence. Gerard shakes his head, sitting on the bed, twisting his body so his back is turned to Frank again.

"Fine. Be that way!" Frank growls, turning around to leave. He hesitates in the living room as he picks up his cell phone from where he had left it on the coffee table, but Gerard doesn't come after him. He considers going out to think about the best approach to their situation, but he doesn't want to run away. He wants to give Gerard his space, but he doesn't need to leave the house.

He chooses to get a chair from the kitchenette and move it into the balcony, sitting there with his elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands. He takes a few deep breaths and feels the angry tears filling his eyes again, but wipes them away before he frustrates himself for crying over something that isn't his fault.

When he's calm, Frank takes some time to think about what just happened. Gerard did reveal something tonight. He said he no longer can have sex, even though he wants to. Frank had figured that out before, but he wants to help him solve this situation. If only Gerard talked to him and let him help.

He spends what feels like hours sitting in the balcony. The night breeze blows cold on his arms tonight and Frank gives up thinking of the best way to make Gerard talk. Maybe it will be better to tackle the root of the problem. If he can't make Gerard talk about this, then Frank is going to try to fix it. He's going to come up with a plan to get Gerard's dick back in action.

First, though, he needs to relax and let this half fight slip off of his mind. He goes back inside when his mind is cleared, and he feels confident about this new plan. He just hopes for a chance to get it done and succeed, and get Gerard hard and make him interested in Frank again after so long.

The lights are still on in the bedroom. Frank goes in and finds Gerard kneeling in front of their peace corner. This corner is much more special now and sometimes they sit around it together, reflecting, but as Frank sometimes uses it to pray directly to God, he knows Gerard does the same. And he's there right now, with the Bible in English opened in his palms, but Frank notices that Gerard's eyes are closed.

Frank kind of hesitates for a second, but ends up kneeling down next to Gerard. Frank crosses himself and waits for something. With his open palms resting on his thighs, his eyes closed, he doesn't think of anything in particular. He can hear Gerard mumbling, not understanding any words, but after a while Frank isn't angry anymore because he knows that whatever problem Gerard has, it can't be his fault.

Frank opens his eyes and drapes a hand over Gerard's, the one that is on his lap. Gerard doesn't move away and Frank slides his hand under Gerard's larger, older, softer palm and holds it in his, intertwining their fingers tightly. They stay like that for a long moment, feeling the peace of their corner and holding hands, and this feels really natural to Frank, but he needs to say something first. "Gerard?"

Дата добавления: 2015-08-27