The Rules of the Pub-argument

I mentioned earlier that regulars are not only exempt from the pantomime rule but are allowed to make remarks such as �Oi, Spadge, when you’ve quite finished your little chat, I wouldn’t mind another pint, if it’s not too much bloody trouble!’ Banter, backchat and mock-insults of this kind (often involving the use of heavy irony), are a standard feature of conversations between regulars and bar staff, and among fellow regulars.

Pub-arguments, which are not like �real’ arguments in the �real world’, are an extension of this kind of banter. Arguing is probably the most popular form of conversation in pubs, particularly among males, and pub-arguments may often appear quite heated. The majority, however, are conducted in accordance with a strict code of etiquette, based on what must be regarded as the First Commandment of pub law: �Thou shalt not take things too seriously’.

The rules of pub-arguments also reflect the principles enshrined in what might be called the �unwritten constitution’ governing all social interaction in this special environment. This pub constitution prescribes equality, reciprocity, the pursuit of intimacy and a tacit non-aggression pact. Students of human relations will recognise these principles as being among the foundations of all social bonding – and it seems that social bonding is indeed the underlying purpose of the pub-argument.

It is collectively understood, although never stated, that the pub-argument (like the Mine’s Better Than Yours ritual described earlier) is essentially an enjoyable game. No strong views or deeply held convictions are necessary for pub regulars to engage in lively disputes – in fact, they would be a hindrance. Regulars will frequently start an argument about anything, or nothing, just for the fun of it. A bored regular will deliberately spark off an argument by making an outrageous or extreme statement, and then sit back and wait for the inevitable cries of вЂ?bollocks!’ The instigator must then hotly defend his assertion, which he secretly knows to be indefensible. He will then counter-attack by accusing his adversaries of stupidity, ignorance or something less polite. The exchange often continues in this manner for some time, although the attacks and counter-attacks tend to drift away from the original issue, moving on to other contentious matters – and the need to argue among male²⁴ pubgoers is such that almost any subject, however innocuous, can become a controversial issue.

Pubgoers have a knack for generating disputes out of thin air. Like despairing auctioneers taking bids from �phantom’ buyers, they will vehemently refute a statement nobody has made, or tell a silent companion to shut up. They get away with this because other regulars are also looking for a good excuse to argue. The following example, recorded in my own local pub, is typical:

REGULAR 1: (accusingly): �What?’

REGULAR 2: (puzzled): �I didn’t say anything.’

REGULAR 1: �Yes you did!’

REGULAR 2: (still bemused): �No I didn’t!’

REGULAR 1: (belligerent): �You did, you said it was my round – and it’s not my round!’

REGULAR 2: (entering into the spirit of things): �I didn’t bloody say anything, but now you come to mention it, it is your round!’

REGULAR 1: (mock-outraged): �Bollocks – it’s Joey’s round!’

REGULAR 2: (taunting): Then why are you hassling me about it, eh?’

REGULAR 1: (now thoroughly enjoying himself): �I’m not – you started it!’

REGULAR 2: (ditto): �Didn’t!’

REGULAR 1: �Did!’

And so on. As I sat watching, sipping my beer, smiling the tolerant-but-slightly-superior smile characteristic of females listening patiently to male pub-arguments, the dispute meandered into other issues, but the opponents continued to buy each other drinks, and by the end everyone had, as usual, forgotten what the argument was supposed to be about. The rules state that no-one ever wins a pub-argument, and no-one ever surrenders. (The pub-argument is one context in which the quintessentially English gentlemanly edict that �it is not the winning, but the taking part’ that matters, still holds true.) The antagonists remain the best of mates, and a good time is had by all.

This sort of pointless, childish fight-picking might appear to be in contravention of the pub вЂ?constitution’, with its prescription of intimacy and non-aggression, but the fact is that arguing, for English males, is a crucial element of the вЂ?pursuit of intimacy’. The pub-argument allows them to show interest in one another, to express emotion, to reveal their personal beliefs, attitudes and aspirations – and to discover those of their companions. It allows them to become closer, more intimate, without acknowledging that this is their purpose. The pub-argument allows them to achieve intimacy under the macho camouflage of competition. The English male’s tendency to aggression is channelled into harmless verbal fisticuffs, with the вЂ?symbolic handshake’ of round-buying serving to prevent any escalation into more serious, physical violence.²⁵

Similar male-bonding arguments do of course take place outside the pub – among work-mates, for example, and among members of sports teams and clubs, or just among friends – and follow much the same rules. But the pub-argument is the best, most archetypal example of the English male-bonding argument. The English male-bonding argument also shares many features with similar practices in other cultures: all such �ritual disputes’ involve a tacit non-aggression pact, for example – in effect, an understanding that all the insults and attacks are not to be taken too seriously. What is distinctively English about the English version, it seems to me, is that our natural aversion to earnestness – and specifically our predilection for irony – makes this understanding much easier to achieve and to maintain.

Дата добавления: 2015-09-06