The Bear Called State O’Maine 36 страница

bear

,” he repeated, shaking his head, but I knew that the people from Arizona had been convinced; Susie the bear is a masterpiece of conviction.

The bear that paused by the woodpile, its breath a fog upon the bright, cold morning, its paws softly denting the fresh, untouched snow—as if it were the first bear on, earth, and this the planet’s first snow—

all

of it had been convincing. As Lilly knew, everything

is

a fairy tale.

So we dream on. Thus we invent our lives. We give ourselves a sainted mother, we make our father a hero; and someone’s older brother, and someone’s older sister—they become our heroes, too. We invent what we love, and what we fear. There is always a brave, lost brother—and a little lost sister, too. We dream on and on: the best hotel, the perfect family, the resort life. And our dreams escape us almost as vividly as we can imagine them.

In the Hotel New Hampshire, we’re screwed down for life—but what’s a little air in the pipes, or even a lot of shit in the hair, if you have good memories?

I hope this is a proper ending for you, Mother—and for you, Egg. It is an ending conscious of the manner of your favorite ending, Lilly—the one you never grew big enough to write. There may not be enough barbells in this ending to satisfy Iowa Bob, and not enough fatalism for Frank. There may not be enough of the nature of dreams in this ending for either Father or Freud. And not enough resilience for Franny. And I suppose it’s not ugly enough for Susie the bear. It’s probably not big enough for Junior Jones, and I know it’s not nearly violent enough to please some of the friends and foes from our past; it might not merit so much as a moan from Screaming Annie—wherever she lies screaming now.

But this is what we do: we dream on, and our dreams escape us almost as vividly as we can imagine them. That’s what happens, like it or not. And because that’s what happens, this is what we need: we need a good, smart bear. Some people’s minds are good enough so that they can live all by themselves—their

minds

can be their good, smart bears. That’s the case with Frank, I think: Frank has a good, smart bear for a mind. He is not the King of Mice I fast mistook him for. And Franny has a good, smart bear named Junior Jones. Franny is also skilled at keeping sorrow at bay. And my father has his illusions; they are powerful enough. My father’s illusions are

his

good, smart bear—at last. And that leaves me, of course, with Susie the bear—with her rape crisis center and my fairy-tale hotel—so I’m all right, too. You have to be all right if you’re expecting a baby.

Coach Bob knew it all along: you’ve got to get obsessed and stay obsessed. You have to keep passing the open windows.

The End

Дата добавления: 2015-11-04