“No pressure.”
Kurt suddenly wished his dad had still been around purely so he wouldn’t have to be alone with Sebastian
right now. The way Sebastian was staring at him made his face grow hot and he closed his eyes. “My head
hurts,” he said.
“You wanna lie down?” Sebastian asked.
“No.”
“I could get you some painkillers?”
“No.”
“Well -” Sebastian struggled with what to do and Kurt wished he could help him out, give him an answer
but he didn’t know what he wanted either. “We could watch a movie,” he said finally. “Unless it’s going to
make your headache worse. Then we can just, I don’t know? Listen to music. But a movie would be more
fun. We have Wicked – but wait, you don’t like it. You always said that no one could beat the original cast.
There’s Really?, you love that movie. It just came out a year and a half ago and -”
“Sebastian,” Kurt said, cutting off his rambling. Sebastian looked relieved at the prospect of having to shut
up. Kurt managed a small smile, “Let’s just order lunch for now.”
Chapter 16
Kurt ended up going through their iTunes library while they waited for the food to arrive, barely getting to
the chorus of one song before he switched to the next.
“Do you want me to show you your favorites?” Sebastian asked him as he made his way through entire
albums in the course of a minute.
“No, I want to find them for myself.”
Once in a while, when he would pause to listen to a song in its entirety, he’d catch Sebastian grinning at
him and know that he must have stumbled across an old favorite. By the time they finished lunch, Kurt had
made his way through more than three hundred songs. The overwhelming feeling he had got from looking
at pictures of him and Sebastian all morning had faded away, replaced by a renewed curiosity.
He didn’t hesitate for a second before saying, “I want to know more.”
Sebastian, who had been fiddling with his phone on the couch, looked up as Kurt sat down next to him.
“More about?” he asked.
“Us.”
Sebastian grinned. He might have been annoying most of the time, but Kurt found his enthusiasm at any
opportunity to talk about them kind of adorable.
As adorable as Sebastian Smythe could get, that was.
“What about us?”
“Our first date.” Kurt decided after a moment of thought.
“Okay,” Sebastian said with a nod. “Um. It was about two weeks after you and Sean – your boyfriend at the
time – broke up. I asked you out and you -” Sebastian cut himself off with a laugh. “You thought I was
joking at first. We used to flirt a lot with each other and you were used to me making passes at you so you
didn’t take me seriously.”
Kurt thought of Sebastian and how he’d flirt with Blaine every time they ran in to each other at the Lima
Bean. He tried to imagine Sebastian doing that to him, tried to imagine himself flirting back but – he
couldn’t.
“It took a while to convince you of how fucking serious I was,” Sebastian continued. “But you agreed
eventually.”
“I agreed to date you that easily?”
“You agreed to go on a date with me,” Sebastian corrected. “Neither of us was looking for a relationship at
the time. You’d been going on dates on and off with a couple of guys and mostly, I think we were just
looking for an excuse to fuck. Not that we needed one, but you know. Formalities.”
The tips of Kurt’s ears had gone red at Sebastian’s bluntness but in a way, it was comforting that he didn’t
sugar coat things for Kurt. It was better for him this way, to know everything as it had been.
“Where’d we go?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
“We went ice skating in Central Park.” Sebastian said with a grin.
Kurt raised an eyebrow. “Really? No clubs?”
Instead of replying, Sebastian stood up and held out a hand to him. Kurt frowned at it before looking up at
him questioningly. Sebastian smiled. “Think you’re up for a re-enactment of our first date?”
__
It took them a while to get ready because they were both still in their pyjamas and Kurt refused to leave
until he had showered and shaved. They didn’t take Sebastian’s car since neither of them wanted to risk
getting caught in end of day traffic and Kurt said he would much rather walk anyway.
Central Park was crowded with people as it always was when they got there. Sebastian kept glancing at
Kurt out of the corner of his eye. He looked glad to be out of the apartment and was taking his
surroundings in with newfound excitement. Sebastian was suddenly reminded about how this Kurt didn’t
have the memories of late afternoons spent lazing around on park benches or under trees with their heads
in each other’s laps and their fingers twined. All this Kurt remembered of Central Park was from his brief
visit during his Nationals trip in junior year of high school.
“Wait,” he said suddenly, stopping in his tracks. “Let’s not go to the rink.”
“I thought we were going to re enact our first date,” Kurt said with a frown.
“We were.” Sebastian said. “But the rink won’t be frozen right now and really, what’s the point? There’s no
guarantee it’ll do anything to awaken your memories of that night.”
“So what are we doing then?” Kurt asked, slipping his hands into his pockets. “I don’t want to go home
yet.”
Sebastian took a moment to relish in the way Kurt had said home instead of something detached like the
apartment. Kurt was waiting for an answer though and Sebastian gave him a tentative smile before he said,
“Kurt. Do you want to go on a date with me? Right here, right now?”
Kurt blinked, looking taken aback. “I -” Sebastian waited, his heart thumping in anticipation as he watched
Kurt process the question. Eventually he swallowed and nodded, the tiny movement of his head sending
immeasurable relief through Sebastian’s body. “Okay. I guess.”
“Fun fact,” Sebastian said with a grin. “That was exactly what your answer was the first time.”
Chapter 17
”Sebastian, what are you doing?”
“Laying my head down in your lap. What does it look like, genius?”
Kurt sighs and sets aside his sketchpad and pencil in favor of threading his fingers through Sebastian’s hair.
He leans back against the tree they’re sitting in front of and brushes a stray leaf off his knee. “I was
drawing,” he says with a disapproving frown even though his voice has no accusation in it.
Sebastian knows he doesn’t mind the distraction one bit no matter how much he might pretend to. This is,
after all, supposed to be a date even if both of them have work weighing down on them. They deserve a
break.
“Yeah, well now you’re not.” he says with a grin.
Kurt gives in to a soft smile, his hand moving down to cradle Sebastian’s face, stroking lightly along his jaw.
“Hello, neglected boyfriend of mine.”
“One of these days, you are going to stop making me want to barf at your cheesy rom-com dialog.”
Kurt scowls but doesn’t pull his hand away from Sebastian’s face. His eyes take on a more playful glint
though, the kind he gets when he’s rising to a challenge. “Barf, huh?” he says, his thumb tracing around
Sebastian’s mouth before pressing against the pout of his lower lip. “Does this make you want to barf?” he
presses down harder with his thumb until Sebastian’s mouth falls open just enough for Kurt to bend down
and slip his tongue into it, bypassing the soft peck that usually precedes this kind of kiss.
Sebastian moans low in his throat and reaches up to cup the back of Kurt’s head, kissing him back hungrily.
He’s thankful that the massiveness of the tree provides them some level of privacy – not that he’d care if
people saw, but he knows Kurt is more comfortable this way. It certainly shows in the way he isn’t afraid to
deepen the kiss, licking along the roof of Sebastian’s mouth and stroking their tongues together in a perfect
rhythm.
“I’m still waiting for an answer,” he says when he pulls away and straightens up. His cheeks are flushed and
his eyes are darker than before but his smile is still light and happy.
“What?” Sebastian says, his voice coming out dazed.
“Do I still make you want to barf?”
“Ugh, stop saying that,” Sebastian says, his face scrunching up as he drags Kurt down for another kiss.
Kurt smiles against his lip, placing a chaste kiss to his top lip. “I’ll take that as a no.”
__
They walked around Central Park, Kurt filling the silence between them with stories about his first time in
New York; how he and Rachel had snuck out of their hotel room to go have breakfast at Tiffany’s during
their Nationals trip, how Santana had lost her shit after they hadn’t placed – all stuff Sebastian knew
already but he didn’t tell Kurt that. He liked the way Kurt was looser around him now, how he laughed
when Sebastian made a joke and how he wasn’t hesitant to ask questions about them and their life.
Sebastian lost track of the conversation when they passed by a tree he was intimately familiar with.
Kurt frowned when he saw Sebastian was no longer paying attention. “Something wrong?” he asked.
“Fun fact number two -”
“Are you going to keep doing that?” Kurt cut in. “Because it’s kind of irritating.”
Sebastian ignored him. “That tree back there? One of our favorite places to hang out.”
Kurt looked over his shoulder at the tree they’d passed. “Any particular reason?” he asked.
“If you sit on the other side of it, you can’t really be seen by passer by’s. The view is beautiful too, privacy is
just an added bonus.” Sebastian said. “Also - this is the place you first took my hand on our date.”
That was a downright lie. Sebastian didn’t even remember how they had ended up holding hands, just that
he had found their fingers interlaced without knowing who had made the first move. It had felt easy,
natural, right. He glanced down at where Kurt’s hand was peeking out from the sleeve of his jacket and
decided to take a chance. Kurt inhaled a little sharply when he felt Sebastian’s fingers curl around his
before Sebastian slotted their palms together.
“You know, you were the first person to ever hold my hand who I didn’t laugh at and push away.”
Sebastian said, nodding at the skeptical look on Kurt’s face. “Seriously. It was always too much of a
romantic gesture for me to feel comfortable with. Especially on first dates.”
“And what, I was different?”
“You’ve always been different.”
Kurt looked down at their joint hands and ran his thumb over the back of Sebastian’s knuckles once, as if
searching for something in the touch. Whatever it was, he didn’t find it because the next second he was
pulling his hand free, his face expressionless.
Sebastian felt as if someone had stabbed him in the heart.
“I’m sorry,” Kurt said, not looking at Sebastian. “It’s just that this is still new for me and – kind of weird.”
“No, it’s okay. I know. I’m sorry too.” Sebastian said, shoving his hand into his jacket pocket instead of
letting it hang lamely at his side. “Do you want to see Roasters?”
Kurt frowned, “Roasters?”
“The coffee shop where we met?” Sebastian prompted. “I told you about it this morning.”
Recognition dawned on Kurt’s face and he nodded, smiling. “Coffee sounds awesome.”
_
Tracy, the cute barista who always seemed to be at the shop no matter what time they went, smiled when
she saw the two of them walk in. “Boys,” she said with a wide grin. “I haven’t seen you around here in
ages.”
“Hey, babe.” Sebastian said, returning her grin. “Been busy.” He ordered them both mochas, shaking his
head when Kurt tried to make his a non fat. “Don’t,” he said. “Trust me on this. Besides, after a week of
being comatose, you can splurge on the calories.”
Kurt rolled his eyes and shoved him lightly with his elbow but agreed. Sebastian even got them a huge slice
of cheesecake for good measure even though Kurt pointed out that they had to go to dinner with Burt
afterwards.
The table in the corner which Kurt had dubbed their table years ago, was free and Sebastian nodded Kurt
over to it, grinning when Kurt looked around the place appreciatively.
“It’s nice,” he commented.
“I know.”
“I can see why I came here.”
They drank their coffees in relative silence for a moment, Kurt speaking up once to say that it was some of
the best coffee he’d ever had. Sebastian raised an eyebrow and smirked as if to say, told you so. Kurt’s face
suddenly changed then, a crease forming between his brows and he looked around the cafe twice,
sweeping over the tiny space with his eyes as if looking for someone, something.
“Everything okay?” Sebastian asked.
Kurt blinked, looking as if he’d just been woken up from a dream. “Yeah. Um. I just had this weird sort of -”
he shook his head. “I don’t know. Felt like de ja vu.”
Sebastian leaned forward in his seat, his heart beating faster. “You remembered something?” he asked
with barely contained excitement. His mind started racing at the possibilities. Had Kurt had a flashback to
the two of them sitting with their legs pressed together under the table while Sebastian read through a
case study and Kurt sketched out designs he had in mind? Did he remember the days they had sat here in
the late afternoons planning their wedding, jotting down ideas and fighting over details that wouldn’t
matter when the day of the ceremony actually arrived?
“Kurt?” Sebastian prompted, reaching out to lay a hand over Kurt’s. He didn’t pull away, Sebastian wasn’t
even sure he’d noticed. Please, please remember me.
“It feels like there’s so much to remember about this place,” Kurt said quietly. “And I’m trying but -” he
looked at Sebastian and shook his head. “Nothing.”
Sebastian felt his heart sink for the second time that night but he forced a smile. “Like I said, no pressure.”
Searching for a distraction, he pushed his plate of half eaten cheesecake to Kurt. “Sure you don’t want to
try some?” Sebastian asked.
To his surprise, Kurt reached for the fork Sebastian had been using and cut a small piece. Sebastian
watched him take the bite, watched the adorable way he chewed and swallowed his food and felt the
disappointment from seconds ago fade away at the smile that spread across Kurt’s face.
It didn’t matter if Kurt didn’t remember the countless days and nights they’d spent here. What mattered
was that he was here, sitting across from Sebastian and that he hadn’t pulled his hand free from where it
was lying beneath Sebastian’s palm on the table.
“This is some pretty good cheesecake,” he said.
Sebastian smiled. “You love cheesecake,” he said for no reason in particular. “You’ve always loved
cheesecake.”
Kurt looked at him with a funny expression as he took another bite. “Um, okay?”
“I tried to bake one for you. Didn’t go so well.”
“What happened?” Kurt asked, taking another bite.
“Everything went wrong.”
“You can’t bake?”
“I can.” Sebastian said defensively. “I was just nervous.”
“Why?”
Sebastian looked into Kurt’s eyes for a second, feeling his heart clench at the memory. “It was the night I
proposed to you.” Kurt stopped chewing and just stared at Sebastian. “I wanted to cook the whole meal
myself,” Sebastian continued. “It was supposed to be this huge three course romantic dinner, but like I said
- I was nervous and kept messing things up.” Kurt looked torn between discomfort and laughter. Sebastian
drew his hand away from Kurt’s and shook his head. “Anyway. That’s a story for another time.”
They finished their coffees and Kurt called Burt from Sebastian’s phone to ask where he wanted to meet
up. They decided on a hole in the wall Italian place not far from their apartment but they still had half an
hour before they were due there so when they stepped out onto the pavement, Sebastian turned to Kurt
and asked, “You still up for one last stop? It’s just a ten minute walk from here to your first apartment in
the city. You can say no if you’re tired. We’ll grab a cab straight to the restaurant but I figured you might
want to check it out.”
“I do,” Kurt said, sounding genuinely excited.
Sebastian smiled, “Alright then.”
They started walking in the opposite direction from they’d come. Sebastian was about to tell Kurt about
the two roommates he’d had at that time when they came to a crossing where the pavement became
uneven and he said, “Ah, watch out. ”
Somewhere in the distance, a driver dropped scalding hot coffee over his knee and his elbow came down
on the car horn followed by the screech of tires as he hit the brake in a furious attempt to dodge a cab.
Glass shattered. A woman screamed.
Next to Sebastian Kurt ducked just like he had when he’d had attempted to throw the slushie in his face
years ago. Difference was, there was no Blaine to jump in front to save him from the impact this time.
Chapter 18
“Kurt?”
Kurt lowered his arm and straightened up but his face was still panicked. “What just happened?” Sebastian
asked, taking Kurt by the elbow and angling his body so they were facing each other. Kurt wouldn’t meet
his gaze; he kept looking up and down the deserted road with a slightly lost expression. “Kurt?” Sebastian
said again, louder this time.
“Didn’t you hear that?” Kurt asked, looking frustrated when Sebastian didn’t react immediately. “Just now.
After the accident, a woman screamed-”
Sebastian was honestly lost. “No one screamed Kurt,” he said, brow frowning in worry. “There was no
accident.”
Kurt looked distraught but then he shook his head as if to get rid of a fly and said, “I guess I must have
imagined it.”
“Are you okay?” Sebastian asked gently.
“Yeah,” Kurt nodded. “I’m fine.”
“Do you think this might have been a flashback?”
There was a pause where Kurt looked unsure but a moment later, he shook his head again. “No.”
“You said something about an accident -”
“It was just a bunch of sounds. Probably my ears ringing or something.”
“Normal people don’t usually hear women screaming when their ears ring, Kurt.”
“I’m fine,” Kurt said more firmly. “If it was a flashback, I would’ve known.”
“How?”
“I don’t know.” Kurt said with a huff, “I just would.”
“If they were just sounds why’d you duck then?” Sebastian pressed.
Kurt pulled his elbow free from Sebastian’s grip only to take his hand. The gesture surprised Sebastian so
much he forgot the next part of his argument. “Just let it go, okay? Kurt said with a sigh. Wordlessly,
Sebastian nodded, focused on the feeling of Kurt’s fingers slipping through the gaps in his. Satisfied at his
agreement to drop the subject, Kurt smiled and said, “I believe you were going to show me my old
apartment.”
“Y-yeah.” Sebastian said, trying not to let his voice quiver with excitement like his whole body was.
He took my hand. He’s holding my hand. We’re holding hands.
__
They were still holding hands when they climbed into the back of the cab. Sebastian was disappointed
when Kurt finally pulled his fingers free and slid over to rest his head against the window on the other side
as Sebastian gives the cabbie the address to their restaurant.
“So what did you think?” Sebastian asked when he’d settled back against the seat.
“It was exactly the kind of apartment I imagined myself living in when I first moved to New York,” Kurt said.
“But I don’t anything will ever compare to the one we’re living in now.”
Sebastian felt giddy.
We’re living in now. Not I'm living in now.
“You know I really love how you’ve embraced that place as your home.” Sebastian said, grinning at Kurt.
“I told you, I’m kind of in love with it.” Kurt said, giving him a small smile in return.
“Yeah but still,” Sebastian said.
He thought of reaching out and taking Kurt’s hand again because he already missed the feeling of their
fingers locked together but he decided not to. Instead, he forced himself to look out of the window and let
his mind wander.
They rode in silence for a while until the cabbie took a sharp turn and suddenly, Kurt's hand darted out to
grab Sebastian’s. For a second, Sebastian’s heart lifted at the thought of Kurt trying to hold hands again but
then he caught sight of Kurt’s expression.
Before he could do anything, Kurt was saying, “Stop the cab. Stop!”
“What?” the cabbie called, looking at Kurt through the rear view mirror as if he was crazy.
“Just stop the damn cab!” Kurt sounded furious, desperate.
Thankfully, they hadn’t hit any traffic yet so the cabbie was able to pull over easily. Kurt was out of the car
within seconds and Sebastian blindly threw a few crumpled bills on the front seat before clambering after
him.
“Kurt what -” he stopped when he saw how Kurt was breathing; long, deep gulps of air like he’d just
resurfaced from a long time underwater.
“It happened again.” He was shaking. “The woman screaming, the accident – I was there, I saw it all
happen and - fuck,” he turned away from Sebastian and put a hand to his forehead, collecting the sweat
that had started to gather there.
Sebastian stepped forward and took Kurt’s hand to make him stop pacing and pulled him aside so they
weren’t in the way of pedestrians. “It’s definitely a flashback Kurt.”
“Thanks, I figured as much on my own.” Kurt snapped but he didn’t pull away when Sebastian wrapped an
arm around his waist and held him close. “I - I remember the sound of a horn blaring,” he said in a quieter
voice. “I think it was from the oncoming car – it might have been my cabbie...” he closed his eyes as if he
was trying to recreate the scene in his head but he opened them a split second later, looking sick. “I
screamed ‘look out’ to the driver and then -”
“Okay, don’t talk about it.” Sebastian said cutting him off. He wasn’t sure what the proper procedure was
for this sort of situation; whether he was supposed to encourage Kurt to remember everything he could or
tell him to block it out. All he knew was that Kurt hadn’t stopped shaking and that his hand was currently
curled around Sebastian’s jacket. The memory was clearly painful for him and Sebastian wanted to reach
inside Kurt’s head and rip it out. “Just breathe.”
“There’s something else I remember.”
“Kurt -” Sebastian started in a gentle voice, trying to tell him Kurt, don’t do this to yourself but Kurt cut him
off.
“Just before the woman screamed, I felt this really strong urge to get to you. Like I had to or else...” he
broke off and looked up at him, tears finally gathering in his eyes. “Sebastian,” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“I think the last thing I thought about before the car crashed - was you.”
Chapter 19
Sebastian didn’t know how to react to this piece of information. It had been one thing to answer his phone
that morning and have a stranger tell him that his husband had been in an accident, but to know the last
thing Kurt had thought about before the crash, to see the fear and panic he must have felt in that moment
reflected in his eyes right now, it was almost too much.
He was about to reach out and touch Kurt’s cheek, pull him into a hug, kiss him - something when Kurt
uncurled his fingers from Sebastian’s jacket and once again, took his hand. “Can we walk?” he asked. “I
can’t breathe here.”
Sebastian nodded, not trusting himself to speak at the moment. Kurt was still taking long, deep breaths
next to him, his face paler than usual. After every couple of seconds he would blink in rapid succession as if
trying to push away the images that kept springing to his mind. Sebastian wished he could say something
to comfort him but his own heart felt bruised in his chest, aching with the knowledge of how Kurt must be
replaying the pain of the accident over and over again in his head.
He kept rubbing his thumb along the patch of skin between Kurt’s forefinger and thumb in long, reassuring
swipes, trying to say everything that he couldn’t express in words through the touch. Either because he
had understood what Sebastian was trying to say or because the accident was haunting him again, Kurt
tightened his grip on Sebastian’s hand as they weaved their way through the crowds.
The restaurant they were due to meet Burt at wasn’t far from where the cab had pulled up. It took them
less than fifteen minutes to get there but before they walked through the door, Sebastian tugged Kurt’s
hand and pulled him aside. “What’s wrong?” Kurt asked, frowning at him.
“Are you okay?” Sebastian asked.
“I’m -”
“Don’t say you’re fine.”
“I’m better.”
Sebastian let out a deep breath of his own. “Sure?” and when Kurt nodded reassuringly - “Okay.”
“Okay?” Kurt said with a smile, squeezing his hand one last time before dropping it and reaching for the
door again.
The place was crowded but Burt had managed to score a table and was scanning the menu with interest
when they walked in. “Hey!” he greeted when he saw them. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d stood me
up.”
“Sorry,” Kurt said, shrugging of his coat and taking the seat opposite Burt. “We got caught up in
something.” His voice was steady, expression carefully controlled but Sebastian saw right through his
attempts to act like nothing had happened. He always saw right through Kurt.
“What’ve you two been up to?” Burt asked as they took their seats.
“Just getting some fresh air,” Kurt said with a shrug. “We went to Central Park, had coffee – how was your
day?”
Sebastian tried hard not to frown at the fact that Kurt had failed to mention the word date or the flashback
but he let it go for the moment and leaned back in his chair as Burt started talking about his day.
Kurt didn’t bring up the flashback all through dinner. Sebastian kept waiting for him to, but Kurt seemed to
purposefully steer the conversation away from himself every time something came up. He laughed, he
joked, he asked questions about Carole, Finn and his wife. His act was so perfect that if Sebastian hadn’t
known any better, he would never have guessed that anything had happened.
By the end of dinner, though, Kurt did seem genuinely more relaxed than before. He tried to get Burt to
come back to the apartment but Burt refused, saying he already had a hotel room booked
The second his cab disappeared around a corner, Sebastian turned and fixed Kurt with a firm stare. “Is
there a particular reason you forgot to mention your flashback to your dad?” he asked.
“I didn’t tell him because there was no need to.” Kurt said, buttoning up his coat as they started to walk in
the direction of their apartment.
“No need? Kurt, this is huge.”
“I didn’t want to worry him. He doesn’t need the stress.”
“Kurt -”
“Look, it’s not like I’ve got my memory back or anything,” Kurt said with a frustrated huff. “There’s no point
telling him about how I ran out of a cab because I was scared we were going to crash again. It’s stupid and
I’m already over it, can we please talk about something else now?”
Sebastian continued to stare at Kurt. “This isn’t something we can just ignore Kurt. It’s not stupid, it’s
serious.”
“Dad doesn’t need -”
“I’m not talking about Burt.” Sebastian cut him off. “Fine. Don’t tell him. But you have to see Doctor
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