Her breath hitches and her big blue eyes meet mine, puzzled.
We catch our breath for a few moments, then repeat the move several times. On the third time through, Taylor has this down and we take a break to grab some water.
She sits on the gym floor, tilting her water bottle back, taking a long drink.
“You did well today.”
She looks down, toying with the hem of her shorts. “Thanks.”
“I think you’ll be more than ready for your next field assignment.”
She’s quiet like she’s thinking about what I just said. “You said that not all assignments were like our last one. How many field assignments have you been on?”
“Too many to count.” McAllister has been sending me out, mostly at my insistence, since I was a first year here. “I’ve been to Germany, Amsterdam, London, New York, and countless other places.”
She looks up at me in awe.
“And most times things are low key. In, out, job done. A few other times, though – like with Lars, shit goes awry.”
She gulps.
“But that’s why we train.”
She nods. “I guess that makes sense. Have you ever been hurt?”
“Of course.”
“What happened?” She draws her legs up to her chest and rests her chin on her knees.
“One time in Bangalore I got in a knife fight. I was unarmed, and had been up for two days straight plus jet legged, and um, a little drunk.”
“Drunk?”
“Yeah, stupid, I know, but I was more reckless in my younger years.”
Her eyebrows shoot up.
“Anyways, I survived.” I lift the edge of my T-shirt, pointing out the tiny white scar along my lower stomach.
“Oh.” Her breath hisses out in a sympathetic sound. She brings her index finger to the scar and traces it gently. Her touch is light and graceful.
“I’m fine – really, Taylor.” But I can’t deny, her concern is sweet. It’s more than McAllister did – he told me to man up and that was it.
Chapter 27
I hurry through the breakfast line, loading a plate with a bagel and fruit salad, then grab a tropical fruit smoothie, before I join MJ and Logan at our usual table. I’m dying to talk to them today.
The more work I’ve done on the oil tanker assignment, the more warning bells have started going off in my head. It’s a real vessel, out on the open sea. Taking it over is like being a hijacker. I have no idea what McAllister could be up to, but something about it doesn’t sit right with me.
Once MJ is done reliving her very graphic date from the other night, I finally get a chance to speak. But when I tell them about my concerns over the assignment, MJ rolls her eyes and Logan chuckles.
“You’re overreacting, Taylor,” MJ says. “Just do the assignment. That’s why we’re here.” She plucks the strawberry from the top of my fruit salad. “You weren’t going to eat that, were you?”
I smile, but inside my stomach churns. MJ’s work is translating documents, and Logan practices building and disabling bombs in an old barn – their work is in no way comparable to my assignments. Hacking is illegal.
Logan shakes his head. “You’re trying to talk to us about assignments, when we actually need to be talking about the other super-duper strange thing that’s been going on inside that computer lab.”
I raise my eyebrows. “And what’s that?”
“The fact that the school’s charming manwhore comes to visit you every day.”
I choke on a sip of smoothie.
MJ leans forward, excited by the change in topic. “Yes, let’s discuss that, Taylor.”
I swallow down the smoothie. “He doesn’t come every day.” He’s missed a day or two over the past few weeks.
“Damn near,” Logan scoffs. “What do you guys do in there any way?”
Before I can respond, MJ thrusts her hips enthusiastically demonstrating her answer.
“No.” I shake my head firmly, staring down MJ until she stops her little display. “I don’t know. We don’t do anything. We just talk, work on assignments, stuff like that.” The truth is, I can’t answer them because I have no idea why Colt comes to hang out with me. I am equal parts happy and worried that he wants to spend time with me. We train together in the mornings, he joins me in Independent Study, and then in his class he pays me extra attention, often pushing me harder than the others.
His behavior towards girls still repulses me, but I’m starting to see that’s not all there is to him. My feelings toward him are starting to concern me, and I know people are starting to notice something’s up between us.
“Well I heard that the second year girls are getting pissed, saying that when he’s with you – they get shot down,” Logan says.
Yes, that was even more curious than him spending time with me – the fact that he seemed to have curbed his appetite.
MJ laughs. “Let’s not start thinking that Colt’s a saint, kids, I’m sure he’s still hooking up when he’s not around you. But Logan’s right, you’re going to make some serious enemies if he keeps this up. People are starting to wonder what game he’s playing.”
Logan turns to MJ. “Don’t hate. Maybe he actually likes her.” He scratches his head. “Or maybe he’s waiting for her eighteenth birthday to roll around.”
Suddenly losing my appetite, I push back from the table and grab my tray. “I’ll see you guys later.”
***
We stand in the dance studio, waiting for Zumba to begin. Bria is bent over in front of the sound system, selecting her music. The door pulls open and the roomful of girls all turn. It’s Britt.
“I need to speak with one of your students. ” The way she spits the word is like she has a mouthful of venom. “Taylor.” She looks at me, her eyes narrowing.
I turn to Bria. Class is about to begin, surely I won’t be dismissed to go with Britt. A wicked little grin spreads across Bria’s lips. “Sure.” She motions for me to go with Britt. Nothing like a woman scorned.
I inwardly groan. What could Britt want with me? I glance at MJ, who appears just as unsure as I feel. I follow Britt into the locker room.
Britt steps closer, breaching the little space between us so we’re toe to toe. “I don’t know what game you think you’re playing, but your little thing with Colt won’t last.”
Crap. My suspicious are confirmed. I’ve inadvertently made enemies of the second year girls. I stand my ground, though I’m shaking like a leaf in a wind storm. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Colt and I are friends. That’s it. I have no interest in more, knowing where he’s been.” I eye her like she’s a piece of trash, and her eyebrows raise, catching onto my meaning.
“Just be careful, Taylor, that’s all I’m saying,” her tone softens. “You’re pissing a lot of people off right now.”
“Yeah, I caught onto that. But it’s not something I’m worried about. I know what I’m doing.”
“Do you?” she questions.
My stomach churns. Hell no. I have no clue what I’m doing spending so much time with the school’s biggest manwhore. I know it will end badly, likely with my heart broken again, but I feel powerless to stop it. My silence tells her everything she needs to know.
Britt pushes past me out the door.
Damn. That was awkward. I sit on the bench, not yet ready to join the rest of the class in the much hated Zumba.
I have no idea why Colt has been spending so much time with me. Now that I thought about it, I realized how incredibly lonely his life must be. Most people see him as an instructor, so he doesn’t have many friends here. And his behavior with girls doesn’t exactly allow for a real relationship – yeah, I’m so not going to feel bad for him in that regard. I’ll talk to him today; he needs to see that this new him is effecting me by drawing enemies my way.
***
After Colt’s class, I linger behind, standing beside the punching bags. The room empties out, leaving just Colt and I.
“How’s that oil tanker assignment coming? Have you decided what to do?” he asks, meeting me on the side of the room.
I aim for the bag, throwing a punch that lands with a soft thud. “Not yet,” I breathe.
Colt comes up behind me, grips my hips and turns me to the side, so I’m positioned ninety degrees from the bag. My eyes fall closed at his touch, and images of the last time he touched my hips come flooding back. The way he effortlessly lifted me to the sink and leaned in to kiss me, soft at first, like he was testing what I thought, then with a rushing intensity when I kissed him back.
“Colt, stop.” I wiggle free from his hands. I let out a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding.
He steps back, holding up his hands. “Whoa. Just trying to help.”
“Well it’s not helping, okay?” I turn and face him. “I don’t know what’s going on between us. I have no idea why you come to the computer lab every day. I have no idea why you turn down other girls to spend time with me.” Everything I’m thinking spews from my mouth, against my will. Damn it.
Colt takes a step back. “Well sorry for being friendly.” His tone is soft.
Crap. Maybe I’m being too harsh. I shift my weight, leaning back on my hip. “It’s just... I had a little run in earlier. The second year girls aren’t too happy about me and you and the lack of attention you’re paying them.”
His brow creases. “Someone said something to you? Who was it?”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. Listen, I want you to go back to being the old you.” The words taste bitter in my mouth. I don’t mean it! I scream inside my head.
“What are you saying? You want me to go with them?” His eyes are pure confusion and my heart leaps into my throat.
I nod. I cannot speak.
“Oh.” He turns away from me, and runs his hands through his hair. I want to wrap my arms around his waist and tell him to stay with me, but I can’t. I can’t expect him to change, so I know this is for the best. This will end this little illusion between us before I get really hurt.
There are a million things I want to say to him, but I can’t. I press my lips together and head to the door, leaving Colt standing alone in the center of the room.
On my way into the hall, I pass by Britt and Bria. Together. Coming for him. Wow, they do not fight fair. I shudder picturing Colt with a girl on each arm. I don’t want to wait around to see him leave with them. That visual is more than I can handle.
***
The next morning, I arrive for training a few minutes early, but Colt is already there. We’re quiet as we go through the moves together, all business, nothing more than small talk and instruction exchanged between us. I have no idea why things suddenly feel so awkward. My goal had been to get things back to normal, not make things worse.
I’m dying to ask him about yesterday, but of course I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t care. “So…” I can’t help it, I know I need to shut my mouth, yet my curiosity wins out. “Did you have fun with Bria and Britt last night?” I offer a weak smile.
His face softens, unsure. He bites his lip, hesitating, then meets my eyes. Oh this is not going to be good. He looks like he’s about to admit to a murder. It was a just a threesome – that I pushed him into. Breathe, I remind myself.
I hold up my hand. “Never mind. Don’t answer that. I’ll use my imagination.” I laugh, but it sounds hollow, even to my ears. I turn away from him, nearly in tears.
“We didn’t. I didn’t,” Colt says in barely a whisper.
“Oh.” I turn to face him again. I want to ask why, but I hold my tongue. Our eyes stay locked on each others, communicating so much without speaking a word. I know he’s drawn to me, just like I am to him. Only I have no idea if it’s because he wants me to be another conquest or something more. I need to stop kidding myself. He isn’t capable of something more. He’s said so himself. I release a deep sigh, letting go of some of the tension I’ve felt since yesterday. Colt looks like he wants to say more, but instead we begin our lesson.
We make it through the rest of the training in silence, neither of us willing to speak what’s on our minds. A few times Colt looks at me like he wants to ask something, but stops himself.
Once training ends, I rush off toward the showers, relieved to have survived another day without saying something that will betray my true feelings for Colt. I cannot let that happen. And with our two-week summer break coming up, it seems I’ll be safe for a little while longer.
Chapter 28
I was sick. I had to be. Or dying. Hopefully dying. I’d turned down a threesome. A fucking threesome.
I throw my fist into the punching bag, slamming the bag away from me, letting a growl rip through my chest.
How can one small, argumentative girl be getting to me so much? It’s infuriating. Annoying. Sexy. Frustrating as hell. I’m fucked. Actually, that was the problem. I wasn’t. I couldn’t concentrate on other girls until I had Taylor. She was like a drug to me. I’d had one small taste and it was nowhere near enough. I was torn in between breaking all my rules about not messing around with younger girls and pursuing her whole-heartedly until she said yes. To me. To everything I wanted.
But as I’d spent more time with her, become friends with her, confided in her about my mom, I knew I couldn’t use her like that. Which made this all the more maddening. There was no way out.
I couldn’t go on acting like a pussy-whipped fool. I had to get her out of system. And I knew of only one way to do that.
My tension faded almost instantly having made that decision. Good. It was settled. I would have Taylor. Soon. Or I’d go crazy.
Chapter 29
MJ pushes up her sleeve. “I think a nice little saying or symbol. Right here.” She touches her wrist. MJ’s been talking about getting a tattoo for the past week and a half.
“Bad idea,” Logan says. “They’re permanent, in case you hadn’t heard. Whatever you like now, you’re not going to like when you’re forty.”
“He’s got a point.” I back Logan up, even though I know there’s no talking MJ out of something she wants. I toss another handful of candy into my mouth. Logan’s mom sent yet another care package, this one filled with every type of candy imaginable and of course he’s sharing with us.
MJ’s head swivels to the door, mid-bite of a large chocolate bar.
“What?” I turn and follow her gaze.
Colt’s striding through the center of the cafeteria, heading straight for our table, his eyes locked on mine, completely unaware of all the others watching him.
He stops at our table, still looking at me.
“Um, hi.” I give a little half wave, my cheeks bursting with fruity candy.
He nods. “Hi. What’s with all the candy?”
Logan holds out a selection of candy bars to him. “Take one. Please. My mom smothers me, treats me like I’m five. She needs to back off.” He rolls his eyes.
Hurt flashes across Colt’s face. “No thanks.”
I have the sudden urge to reach out and take his hand, but of course I don’t. That would just be weird. I swallow down the lump of candy.
“MJ wants to get a tattoo,” Logan explains, motioning to MJ who’s now got her shirt pushed down off her shoulder, inspecting the space there.
“Colt would you ever get one?” she asks, pulling her shirt back into place.
“How do you know I don’t already have one?” he asks.
MJ laughs. “Because something tells me you’re too much of a pretty boy to get inked.”
“I’ve thought about it.” He leans against the side of the table and I have to will my eyes not to travel down the length of his body. “Down here.” He touches just below his belt buckle. Holy God, focus, Taylor. Focus! “I’d get something that says, ‘Thanks for visiting. Come again soon.’”
The table erupts in laughter. But I’m rendered speechless.
“Classy, Colt. Even for you, that’s pretty bad,” MJ scolds.
“Hey, I’ve never had an unsatisfied customer. And in case I forget to say thank you, it’d be covered.” He’s looking at me again.
Gross. “Do you have any respect for women? They’re not your customers,” I say, not bothering to hide the unease I feel.
“I have nothing but respect. I make sure a lady is treated right when she’s with me.”
“So you don’t buy into the notion that the female orgasm doesn’t exist,” Logan asks, his voice scientific and professional.
“Myth,” Colt says absently, reaching down to steal a lollipop that discarded on the edge of my plate. “And I have a few tricks up my sleeve,” he says, looking thoughtfully at the sucker.
I roll my eyes. This conversation needs to end. Now.
“Don’t listen to Logan, he’s afraid of girls as it is,” MJ says.
Logan gives her a look that’s the visual equivalent of stepping in gum.
Colt pops the sucker in his mouth and pats MJ on the top of her head like she’s four years old and just done something amusing. “Okay, kiddos, see you in class.” But before turning away, he bends down near my ear, removing the sucker. “If you’re free tonight, I thought maybe you could come by. We could watch a movie or something before you go away on break.” His breath smells of the strawberry sucker and I want to turn to him and taste it on his lips.
Before I have a chance to answer, Colt strolls away, leaving me looking after him with both intrigue and disgust. I am so screwed.
Chapter 30
I’m a man on a mission, tossing dirty clothes in the basket in my closet, picking up stray socks, making my bed, even dusting with an old T-shirt. I don’t know the last time I dusted my room. Probably never. I search through a box in my closet. I know I have some candles in here somewhere. Finally I locate them.
Three thick white candles. A gift from a girl I hardly remember. A blonde I think. Jillian? Jenna? It doesn’t matter. I line the candles up on my dresser, the matches set beside them. Then I go to take a shower.
After a lengthy shower, I’m relaxed and spend time online searching for just the right movie. I find one about computer hackers, chuckling to myself and wondering if Taylor’s seen it. Probably not since it’s several years old.
I pay the small fee and download it on my computer. I check the clock again. I know Taylor’s finished with dinner by now. I decide to go and scrounge up some snacks for our movie night, and a diet Coke for Taylor. She won’t be able to resist me and all my careful planning. Girls are suckers for that shit.
Tonight will be perfect.
Several hours later, I’ve eaten all the snacks, burned the candles down to nubs and replayed through my mind all the things I wanted to do her about six times. She must have changed her mind about coming. It’s not like I really waited for her to answer me when I asked, er, told her to come. But that would have worked with most girls. They liked being told what to do. They claimed they didn’t like that macho bullshit, but from what I’d seen, they always responded well.
My phone buzzes on the nightstand. I glance at the caller ID. It’s Yes, aka Samantha. I don’t answer. Thirty minutes later, it buzzes two more times. I pick it up and text her back. I can’t escape what I am. And Taylor’s refusal to come here tonight affirms I shouldn’t even bother trying.
Chapter 31
The halls are deserted, many people having already left for summer break, but my parents are coming to get me tomorrow, since the drive is too long to make on a weeknight after work.
Colt’s offer to come by his room after dinner has been weighing on my mind since lunch. I wanted to hang out and watch a movie, but I’d convinced myself that was a bad idea, and instead spent the evening alone in the computer lab, messing around online, chatting with friends on the hacking sites and message boards I liked, which was always a good distraction.
Around midnight, my eyes are burning from staring at the computer screen for the past six hours. I wonder what Colt’s doing and if he’s still up. I wonder how long he waited before realizing I wasn’t coming. I’m starting to feel bad that I didn’t show. I glance at the clock again wondering if he’s still awake.
I decide that on my way to bed, I’ll walk past his room. If I see his light on under the door, I’ll knock. If the light is turned off, I won’t. I didn’t want to have that awkward moment where he thought I was coming for a late night booty call. Awk-ward, I giggle to myself.
Heading down the hall, I can tell from several doors down that his light is still on. Its faint glow floods through the crack by the floor. My heart speeds up at the thought of seeing him.
As I get closer, a knocking sound I can’t place grows louder. I stop in front of his door, confusion setting in. I raise my hand to knock when I hear it. A faint female voice moaning, followed by the knocking sounds again. She calls out Colt’s name. Holy shit!
I drop my hand, my fists balling up at my sides. My heart pounds in my chest in time with the knocking bed post against his wall.
Tears spring to my eyes. I have to get out of here. Now. I turn and run down the hall, stumbling blindly, thankful no one’s around. I don’t know when it happened, but the tears are freely flowing down my cheeks. I trip and catch myself against the banister, breathing hard. My heart slams against my chest, beating so painfully I fear it may just stop working. I brace myself against the wall for support and sink slowly down to the floor.
What was I thinking liking Colt? He could not be trusted. No guy could. They thought with their dicks, plain and simple. I sniff and wipe my nose on my sleeve, not even trying to stop the tears from coming. It would be pointless. Despite my best intentions not to, I’ve fallen for Colt, and he’s already crushed my heart just like Wes had.
I don’t know how long I sat there feeling sorry for myself, but after a little while, I hear voices coming down the hall. Shit. I press myself closer to the wall, but there’s nowhere to hide.
“See ya soon,” a girl’s voice says sweetly. She rounds the stairs and stops in front of me. “Excuse me,” she says, stepping around me. I don’t bother looking up to investigate. Feet clad in sky high heels, leading to tanned, well-toned calves tell me everything I need to know. Yes is superior to me in every way. I didn’t want to further torture myself by looking into the face of the girl who’d just slept with Colt, so instead I keep my eyes trained on the floor.
She hurries down the stairs, moving faster than someone in heels that high should be able to. Clearly she knows her way around here since Colt hasn’t even bothered to walk her to the door. What an ass. But that’s probably for the best, since the last thing I need is to watch them share a goodbye kiss. My stomach churns just thinking about it.
But then I notice Colt’s footsteps are coming closer, continuing down the hall. The girl gave away my hiding spot when she spoke to me. Colt’s probably wondering who is out here at this hour.
I wipe at my face, knowing there’s no hiding my tear streaked cheeks, and mascara stained eyes.
The footsteps stop behind me. “Taylor?”
“Yeah,” I croak out without turning around.
Colt walks over, positioning himself on the stair in front of me. He crouches down, studying my face, looking concerned. He sits down facing me. “What’s wrong?” He brings his hand up to my cheek. I flinch like I’ve been slapped, and he quickly drops his hand, looking hurt and confused. Welcome to the club. “What is it?” his voice is soft, pleading.
I swallow down a fresh wave of emotion at his concern and meet his eyes. “Was that Yes?”
He nods, looking down at the floor. “Does that bother you?”
Hell yes! “Does it matter?”
He leans in closer. “It matters to me.” He reaches toward me, giving my hand a squeeze.
I pull back, not wanting him to touch me. “Don’t,” I say, my voice firm, unwavering.
He lets my hand drop. “I’m sorry, Taylor. I’m sorry I’m not the guy you want me to be. I can see it in your eyes. The way you judge my lifestyle. You tell me to go have fun, but I know you don’t mean it.”
I look down. He’s right.
He lifts my chin, then quickly drops his hand, remembering my no touching rule. “You’re right, okay. I used to have no problem with the way I lived, but now I’m starting to question it. So you should be happy right?”
Maybe I am getting through to him more than I thought. I close my eyes. No. I won’t allow myself to get my hopes up. He will not regain my trust simply be saying he wants to change. I would need to see it with my own eyes. Words are meaningless. Wes had taught me that. Colt would have to prove it.
“So show me,” I whisper, my lips trembling.
Colt tips his head, raising an eyebrow. “Show you what?” He strokes my cheek, coaxing it out of me.
I swallow down my tears. “That you can be trusted. That you’re not the guy you seem.”
He chuckles. “You mean that I’m not a total dirt bag?”
“Exactly.” I smile back, wiping away the dampness still lingering at my eyes.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know.” I know he didn’t mean to. This is just who he is, which is why it’s so dangerous for me to like him.
I unfold my legs from underneath me, where they’d fallen asleep and set my feet on the step next to Colt. He lifts my sandaled feet to his lap. “I waited for you. I even picked out an old hacker movie I was betting you’d never seen.”
Is he kidding me? He says this like it should impress me. I’m moments away from slapping him and taking him to get tested for STDs.
“But when you didn’t show…and she called….I…I don’t know, I guess I just got bored.”
I roll my eyes. “Bored?” The word drips with sarcasm.
“I’m sorry, that sounded terrible.”
I press my lips together, nodding. He’d have to do a lot better than this.
His fingers trace a slow pattern in my skin, slipping along my ankle bone, dipping down to the arch of my foot. “Tell me what you want.” His voice is breathless, husky.
I swallow. “I can’t.”
“But I don’t want to see you sad like this again. And if this is about me…I need to know.”
“Colt,” I plead. “I can’t.”
“Fuck,” he growls. “I’m not good at this.”
“At what?”
“Girls,” he says.
“Yeah, right. I strongly doubt that.”
“I mean the real stuff.” He looks at me, his hazel green eyes burning with intensity on mine. “I don’t think I’ve ever been friends with a girl like this.” He smiles, coaxing a grin from me. “Don’t let me mess it up, okay?”
Friends? Awesome. Yay. Kill me now. I nod. “It’s simple, Colt. Be there. Listen, care.” And stop being a manwhore, I say in my head.
He nods. He rubs his hands along my calves, massaging away the tension and making my stomach dance with hope. But then I remember that his hands were just on her, touching her body God knows where. I pull my feet free from his lap and stand. “Goodnight, Colt.”
He’s quiet and doesn’t move from the step as I walk away.
Chapter 32
In the morning I avoiding the cafeteria and slip out of the building quietly when my parents arrive. I don’t want to see Colt, especially after the way I acted last night. Like a love sick little girl. I’m disgusted with myself. Even though this break is only two weeks, it’s a much needed reprieve from seeing Colt. I needed this break. Another night like last night and I’d end up opening my big mouth and admitting how I feel about him, or worse, go crawling into his bed.
My parents are giddy at the sight of me. We chat nearly the whole drive back to Pennsylvania. I can tell they’ve missed having me around. The house must be pretty quiet with just the two of them.
Piper and I made plans to lie out at the community pool every day of my break. She works as a life guard there, but assures me we can hang out while she works. It would be nice to get some sun and relax, and not worry about bad guys or potentially corrupt hacking assignments.
When we pull into the driveway of our split level house, it’s smaller than I remember. I guess living in a mini-mansion for the past couple months will do that to you. My room is as I left it, except for the thin coating of dust covering everything. Within minutes Piper’s beat up green car pulls into our drive way. She wrestles a bouquet of balloons from the backseat, along with a package of my favorite chocolate cookies and heads up the walkway.
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