Американцы: - Гоу! Гоу! Гоу!
Испанцы: - Рапидо! Рапидо! Рапидо!
Немцы: - Шнелль! Шнелль! Шнелль!
Эстонцы: - Чего стоишшь?!!!
Пришел хакер на призентацию 512-процессорной системы, стоит, восхищенно смотрит на платы. Затем умиленно произносит:
- Теперь я знаю, кто такое Божья матерь.
Купил мужик корову в Рязани. Корова, слов нет, всем хороша. Молока дает - завались. Одно только плохо - быка к себе не подпускает. Приведут к ней быка, а она бах на задницу, и сидит. Мучился-мучился мужик с ней, решил к ветеринару повести. Привел, расказывает про свою беду - не подпускает мол корова к себе быка. Что делать?
Ветеринар: - Так ты ее наверно в Рязани купил?
- Точно, а как ты узнал?
- Жена у меня из Рязани...
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.
Men die first because they want to.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?" He answered, "I hunt unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"
Understanding Women
===================
At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
(The answer to "What's wrong?")
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
The new voice-mail system at a local mental hospital:
- If you are obsessive, press 1, repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have a multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
- If you're schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are paranoid, stay on the line. We are tracing your call.
MEMO FROM: Headquarters TO: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation
and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.
MEMO FROM: General Manager TO: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
MEMO FROM: Manager TO: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.
MEMO FROM: Department Chief TO: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.
MEMO FROM: Section Chief TO: All
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
A blonde walked up to the airport ticket counter and asked for a round trip ticket. "Where to?" asked the smiling ticket agent. The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?"
Уайльд в США столкнулся с одним страстным любителем заключать всяческие пари. Тот сделал писателю следующее предложение:
"Выигрывает тот из нас, кто сумеет сильнее солгать, то есть тот, кто обнаружит превосходство своей фантазии..."
Уайльд согласился:
"Хорошо, начинайте вы..."
Американец начал:
"Как-то один американский джентльмен..."
Уайльд любезно, но твердо прервал его:
"Достаточно! Можете не продолжать! Вы победили!"
В чем разница между журналистикой и литературой? Журналистика - это то, что нельзя читать, а литература - это то, что не читают.
Мышление - самая нездоровая вещь в мире, и люди умирают от него совершенно также, как и от всякой другой болезни. К счастью, по крайней мере в Англии, мышление не заразно. Прекрасными физическими качествами нашего народа мы всецело обязаны нашей национальной глупости.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me." Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father.
The doorbell rings just as a man is getting into the shower and his wife is getting out. After a few seconds of arguing over who should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
Чем старше становится человек, тем больше он противится переменам, особенно переменам к лучшему.
Если ты споришь с идиотом, постарайся удостовериться, что он не делает того же самого.
Love is...
* what Plato described as "a grave mental disease;"
* something they say is blind. (Marriage is the real eye opener.)
* that emotion which is not true until returned;
* that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock {John Barrymore};
* like measles: much worse when it comes late in life;
* the most slippery word in the human language: used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species;
* the only fire for which there is no insurance;
* the only game that two can play and both win;
* the last and most serious of the childhood diseases;
* what makes marriage possible. (Habit makes it last.)
* a temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred the disorder;
* the only game that is never called on account of darkness;
* the tie that blinds;
* the only thing that has changed over the millions of years of playing this game is that trumps have changed from clubs to diamonds;
* a situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself;
* a fan club with two members;
* the only virtue that can be divided endlessly and still not be diminished;
* the triumph of imagination over intelligence;
* the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion;
* a strange feeling that comes over a man when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name;
* like war; simple to begin but the devil to stop;
* an action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties;
* a word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence of the old;
* a situation. When it is true, it does not mean gazing into each other's eyes, but looking outward together in the same direction as life beckons;
* something which combines the two greatest powers on earth; war and peace;
* the balm that heals the wounds words make
Supposedly real tech support calls...
=====================================
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
-------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
-------
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
-------
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support::?!%#$
-------
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
-------
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
-------
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "Where is that on my keyboard?"
-------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
-------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-------
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
-------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-------
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
------
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
A little girl comes into a zoo shop. Nicely smiling to the seller she says:
- I'd like to buy a rabbit.
The clerk answers:
- Do you like to buy this nice rabbit with huge sad eyes or that shaggy lazy rabbit?
The girl answers smiling:
- It's all the same to my boa.
- Мы ему переплачиваем, но он того стоит.
- Я говорю вам свое окончательное "может быть".
- Если бы Рузвельт был жив, он бы перевернулся в гробу.
Как известно, в России две беды - дураки и дороги.
Вчера в Госдуме первая беда обсуждала вторую.
- Что можно сказать про корейца, у которого есть собака?
- Он вегетарианец.
Интересно, почему мужское начало называют концом?
- Девушка, а вы еще не потеряли свою девственность?
- А вы, что, ее нашли?
Шекспир курил опиум - писал гениальные книги.
Курт Кобейн кололся героином - сочинял гениальную музыку.
Филипп Киркоров... хоть клея понюхай!!!
Вчера я попытал счастья. Сначала утюгом, потом паяльником.
Путь к сердцу женщины не должен лежать.
Познакомился мужик с дамой и привел ее к себе домой. Уложил в койку, трахнул. Ей так понравилось, она спрашивает:
- А еще можешь?
- Могу. Только возмись за мой член двумя руками и дай мне поспать 20 минут.
Она взялась за член двумя руками, мужик заснул. Через 20 минут он проснулся и еще раз ее трахнул. Ей очень понравилось, она опять:
- А еще можешь?
- Могу. Только возмись за мой член двумя руками и дай мне поспать 40 минут.
Она взялась за член двумя руками, мужик заснул. Через 40 минут он проснулся и еще раз ее трахнул. Ей очень понравилось и т.д. всю ночь. Утром мужик проснулся, трахнул ее еще раз и говорит:
- Уходи, мне на работу пора.
- А зачем нужно было за член двумя руками держать?
- Понимаешь, я тебя первый раз вижу, боюсь одну оставлять - вдруг сопрешь что-нибудь!
Pupil:I eaten seven pancackes for breakfast.
Teacher: Ate, my dear,ate.
Pupil: No, Mrs.Smith, seven because I couldn't eat the eighth one.
Построили звери Ковчег, забрались в него - жирафы, львы, обезьяны, зайцы... Деловые такие все... Сидят, ждут затопления. Вдруг голос с неба:
- Не могу поверить, что вы на это купились - сегодня же первое апреля!!!
Программист просит у друга денег в долг:
- Одолжи 250$ до получки, ну или для ровного счета 256?
Пошли Винни-Пух и Пятачок за медом с двумя воздушными шариками. Когда они подошли к дереву, где были пчелы Винни-Пух стал рассуждать:
- Если я возьму зеленый шарик, пчелы подумают, что я из общества зеленых и не станут меня кусать. А если я возьму голубой шарик... Нет лучше я возьму зеленый шарик...
Дедок: - В моем возрасте встать может только сердце...
- Что такое ностальгия?
- Это очень сильная тоска человека по тому месту, откуда он родился.
Проходя по салону самолета, стюардесса заметила обливающегося потом мужчину, трясущегося и грызущего ногти.
- Может быть я принесу рюмочку коньяку, и вам станет легче? - предложила стюардесса.
После явной борьбы с собою мужчина прошептал:
- Ладно...
Проверяя опять того же пассажира, стюардесса обнаружила его в еще более плачевном состоянии.
- Вторую рюмочку? - спросила она.
Мужчина ничего не ответил и только кивнул головой. Когда стюардесса вернулась к пассажиру в третий раз - он рыдал бесконтрольно.
- Я никогда не видела кого-либо, кто бы так боялся летать, - заметила стюардесса,
на что пассажир ответил:
- Я совсем не боюсь летать - я пытаюсь бросить пить!!!
Встречаются два приятеля:
- О! Привет! Мне Колян говорил, что у тебя новая подруга и у нее фигура - как гитара!
Второй печально:
- Да уж, точное описание - и спереди и сзади абсолютно плоская, с во-о-от такой попой, а уж дыре точно любая гитара позавидует.
After reading the casualty list every fifth of July morning, one learns that we have killed more people celebrating our independence than we lost fighting for it.
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly one day so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. That day her husband also comes home unexpectedly, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here" The Lover says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball" Lover: "That's nice" Boy: "Want to buy it?" Lover: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside" Lover: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again and the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet together again. Boy: "Dark in here" Lover: "Yes, it is" Boy: "I have a baseball mitt." Remembering the last time, he asks, "How much?" Boy: "$750" Lover: "Fine" A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball around." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." Father: "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$1000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church for confession." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
Объявление:
Нецелованный "Запорожец" небесного цвета мечтает о встрече с голубым "Мерседесом". На любом перекрестке.
- Ну что уставился, как Windows на новое устройство?
Как же это здорово - быть холостяком! Я могу делать все, что я захочу: если я хочу есть, я ем, хочу пить - пью, хочу спать - сплю, хочу заняться сексом - иду в душ.
Когда я был молодым, мне повстречалась добрая волшебница, которая предложила мне на выбор хорошую память на всю жизнь или большой член.
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