- So how often do you flick it?
- I don't know.
How often do you flick it?
You're only asking me that
so you can picture me flicking mine...
...while you flick yours.
- No.
I would never picture you while I do
that, which is not something I do.
- I don't do that, not ever.
- Yes, you would.
- No. No. No.
- Never?
I find it impersonal.
Abby, what could be more personal
than you flicking your bean?
- I just don't see myself that way, okay?
- Okay, well, I do.
Come here.
Well, you better start.
Because if you don't wanna have sex
with you, why the hell would Colin?
What is this?
What is this, baby?
What? What, baby?
What is this?
What is this, D'Artagnan?
"Astrea 1."
"Vibrating brief."
Great.
He said he was running late.
What is he doing here already?
- Good, you're ready.
- For what?
The dinner with corporate.
- Didn't you get my e-mail?
- No.
And I can't. I have a date with Colin.
You can't go
because you have a date?
You have no idea
how hard those are for her to get.
Well, then let's pick him up
on the way.
- Come on, let's go. Right now.
- Come on. Come on, let's go.
Sorry to hijack (похитить) your date, brother.
No worries.
You're a producer as well?
No, dude, I'm the talent.
So you're an anchor, then?
No, I do The Ugly Truth.
- Hasn't he ever seen our show?
- Come on, Stuart.
Our show's
way too low-brow (низкопробный) for Colin.
- He's a doctor.
- Yes, that's right, he is.
He doesn't wanna hear about things
like implants and oral sex.
- You talk about oral sex?
- Oh, look, we're here.
- You invited the Jell-O twins?
- Yeah. I thought it was good thinking.
Well, it certainly can't hurt.
Ladies, you look quite fetching,(соблазнительный).
- Hey, hey, the gang's all here.
- Hey.
- Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
- Hi. And this is...
- And we all know Mike Chadway.
- And who are these lovely ladies?
Something tells me we won't be
talking about the news tonight.
That's right.
- Our table's waiting. Shall we?
- Come this way.
- Mike, you're doing a hell of a job.
- Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
- That's a good one, huh?
- That is funny.
Thank you.
So you guys here
to give me a raise or what?
Oh, that's my guy,
always with the jokes.
Yeah.
Yeah. Right.
No, really, we are very excited
about this year's rating increases.
And we're hoping
that in the next quarter, we can...
- Oh, God.
- What's wrong?
Nothing. Nothing.
Could you excuse me?
- Shit.
- Sorry, she's...
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for the remote.
- What remote?
- For the...
The underwear.
What? You're wearing them now?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
This ceviche (закуска из сырой рыба), it's so good.
Quite possibly the best
I have ever tasted.
Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef
for the recipe.
Abby, hold on.
Tell Harold about
the new teaser campaign...
...we're starting next week.
You're gonna love this.
Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
Well, they're 15 seconds...
...every hour, on the hour.
Yep. Yep, yep.
They're so...
So...
You tell them, Mike.
You should tell them. Yes, yes.
Yes, you tell them.
Actually, I was really enjoying the way
you were telling them. It was great.
You were... You were telling them.
What's in ceviche?
They're...
They're unlike anything
you have ever felt.
Amazing.
And they're of...
Of Mike telling an ugly truth...
...and they are just so...
So cutting-edge.
So... So fantastic. So fantastic!
Oh, God! Oh, it's so, so great!
Oh, God. Yeah!
You're gonna love them.
Well, gotta love her
enthusiasm, right?
I'm gonna use the restroom,
if you'll excuse me.
Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
Did you know
he had it the whole time?
Not the whole time,
just part of the time.
- I figured I should let you finish.
- How kind.
So thanks for coming tonight.
To dinner.
That kind of coming.
He likes you, by the way. Colin.
- I can tell.
- Really?
- We ready to go?
- Yeah.
- I know Abby is.
- Great.
Let's go.
- Take care. Thanks.
- Okay.
- Well, that went well, I think.
- Sure did.
- Yeah.
- Let's get a drink.
Bob and Harold...
- Oh, my God. For me?
- Oh, my God, he sent you flowers!
Okay. Just conference me
when you get a hold of her.
Okay, bye. All right, so we have
the balloon festival coming up...
...and for sweeps,
it might be nice to do a segment...
...on how men are full of hot air.
- Right? It's good, right?
- No.
We should do some stuff
on location...
...because you're great
when you're interacting with people.
I'm sorry, did you just say I'm great?
Yeah, you kind of are.
Back at you, babe.
So tell me this.
Why hasn't some fancy
New York show stolen you away?
Oh, I much prefer Sacramento
to New York.
Come on. You just like
being a big fish in a little pond.
No. No.
And Sacramento isn't really a pond,
it's more of a lake, or even an estuary (устье реки).
And it's a great place
to raise a family.
Really good school system.
The parks are clean
and well-maintained and safe.
And there's a much lower divorce rate
here than there is in New York.
Yes, well...
Thank God Colin would never be into
a woman like that.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only likes
women of quality, huh?
That's a trait to be admired,
not mocked, man-whore (проститут).
Man-whore?
Why am I a man-whore?
I've seen you with the Funbag Twins,
remember?
Saw me what?
What, you saw me introduce them
to some network executives?
They wanna be actresses, baby.
I mean, who am I to kill their dream?
Such a generous man. You're telling
me you've never slept with them?
- Well, no, I didn't say that.
- That's my point.
Men, or man-whores...
...prefer women in slutty clothes
who suck lots of cock.
Every man wants that.
And for your information, I only slept
with the one who could read.
Wait a second,
did you just say "cock"?
Yes. Yes, I did.
I can say "cock."
You don't own the word. Cock.
Cock, cock, cock.
Okay, I got it.
A week ago, you were crying
at the thought of a vibrator.
Now you're "cock this, cock that,"
cock, cock, cock.
- You slept with Colin, didn't you?
- No. No.
We didn't.
We're saving that for this weekend.
He's taking me to Lake Tahoe.
Well...
...here's to overturning
Assumptions (гипотезы), huh?
I'm really a man of discriminating taste
and you're a foul-mouthed (сквернословная) slut.
Thank you.
So there you have it.
Never assume a girl is easy
or assume she's a prude (недотрога).
There are many layers in between.
And it's your job, gentlemen,
to peel back those layers...
...and figure out exactly what type
of woman you're dealing with.
That sounded almost enlightened (просвещенный).
Because once you do peel back
those layers, my friends...
...her lady garden awaits.
- And he's back.
And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
wanna fertilize (удобрить) that patch (клочок земли с) of petunias.
Well, thanks, Mike.
Coming up after this message,
Javier tells us if your petunias...
...are gonna see any rainfall
this weekend.
I sure hope mine do.
I wanna go home,
but let's go over the script.
Yeah, let's get it done really quickly.
- I'm turned on with the layers.
- Want to see these layers?
- There he is.
- Hey, what's up?
Good news.
You're not gonna believe this.
- What?
- I got you on The Late Late Show...
...with Craig Ferguson.
They want you as his guest.
- Ferguson wants me on his show?
- Yeah.
- You're shitting me.
- I am not shitting you.
- Oh, yeah.
- We made it.
Yes!
Hi. Who are you?
Oh, this is Rick.
- I'm his agent.
- Yeah.
Since when do you have an agent?
And since when is it okay...
...to book Late Night
without the producer's approval?
Actually, it's Late Late.
It's two "lates."
And since he became the hottest
personality on morning TV.
- Have you seen this guy's ratings?
- Yes. Yes, I have.
Yeah, okay.
Anyways, you leave tonight.
- Okay.
- It's all set.
- How cool is this?
- Come on, let's go.
Oh, my God!
Joy said you wanted to see me?
I found out
that Mike's being offered a job...
...at a CBS affiliate (партнер) in San Francisco
at twice the pay.
Craig Ferguson is his audition.
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, I'm serious.
If Bob and Harold find out about this,
we're dead.
Now, I need you to fly out there
and talk him out of it.
I'm going to Lake Tahoe
this weekend.
Don't let him know that you know.
Go ahead and let him do the show,
get us our publicity...
...and then convince him
that he needs to sign on with us...
...for the next three years.
That's all we can do.
Stuart, I'm pulling up (идти вперед).
I'm gonna try to catch him.
Okay. I'll call you back.
Thank you.
Hello, little stupid penis face.
You'd be on cable access
if it weren't for me.
- Here you wanna move to CBS.
- Is everything okay, miss?
Yes, I'm just...
I'm practicing my speech.
Abby? What are you doing here?
I thought you were going to Tahoe.
You couldn't spend a day
without me.
Yes. I just can't get enough
of your sparkling wit and charm.
Stuart thought you needed a producer
more than I needed to get laid.
Come on, I gotta check in.
We leave in five minutes.
- Five minutes. Ticktock, ticktock.
- Yes, dear.
Okay, so let's go over
the pre-interview questions.
I'm sorry you didn't get to spend time
with little Colin this weekend.
And by "little,"
I don't mean undersized...
...although I highly suspect
that's the case.
Colin's penis. That's what
you wanna talk about right now?
Because I thought
we should talk about...
...what you're gonna say
on the show.
Yeah. Okay.
So tell me, Mike,
how did The Ugly Truth start?
Well, Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson...
...I had a sales job...
...where I was driving around a lot,
listening to talk radio.
I started calling in, and then I realized
I'm smarter than everybody else.
Just ask my producer, Abby.
She thinks I'm a genius on days
when she's not sexually frustrated.
Yes, thousands of lives
have been enriched by your wisdom.
Excuse me, lady, but you have
a boyfriend right now because of me.
It may have started because of you,
but it's lasted because of me.
You're acting like your normal
control-freak psycho self again.
I am not a control freak.
When you checked into the hotel,
did you or did you not insist...
...on getting an eastern-facing room
on a floor not below 7?
I like rising with the sun, and a view.
My point is, that Colin likes
the Mike version of Abby...
...not the Abby version of Abby.
So don't go
knocking my words of wisdom...
...when you're living proof
that they work.
I could be having sex right now.
Right this way, please.
Dude, this is awesome. You are
about to go on national television.
Okay, this isn't helping, Rick.
Just, you know,
do what you always do.
- What do I always do?
- You... I don't know, you...
You entertain people
with your moronic (слабоумный) ideas...
...and they love you for it.
That may be the nicest thing
you said to me.
- You're welcome.
- Next up...
...here to tell us the ugly truth
about men and women...
...is Mike Chadway, everybody.
Mike Chadway.
Mike, Mike, Mike.
Come on up.
Hey, how are you, folks?
All right, Mike, welcome.
Now, listen. Men, we men,
I think I can say "we men."
Not necessarily "wee" men,
but men of all sizes...
- No, I get it. I get it.
- We're not known for our expertise...
...in matters of the heart.
But I hear you have some
very interesting ideas and theories.
What advice would you give
to the people out there...
...that are looking for love?
- My advice would be:
Don't do it.
I mean, try to find lust (похоть) instead.
It's a lot easier and a lot less messy.
Blue balls, they only last a few hours,
but a broken heart, that can last years.
Goodness me. Tell me, then.
What's her name?
Who?
The woman that screwed you up.
She must have been a doozy (что-то с чем-то, сногшибательная).
Well, like I said,
better a floozy (ненасытная) than a doozy.
Hi. I was looking
for an Abby Richter.
- Did you get him? Is he ours?
- I'm working on it.
I gotta go.
- Where's Rick?
- I sent him home.
I thought you and I could celebrate
on our own. Give me some of that.
And what exactly
are we celebrating?
Hello? Craig Ferguson?
I was just on it.
I mean, maybe you saw it?
I heard about the offer from CBS.
Well, then maybe you heard
I turned it down.
You did?
Why?
Jonah.
You know, he needs me around.
I may not be the best father figure
out there...
...but I'm the only one he's got.
And I don't wanna half-ass it
all the way from San Francisco.
Well, I think that's
a very good decision.
Thank you.
Now, can we stop
talking about work...
...and maybe relax and drink, enjoy?
God.
Tell me about the doozy.
You know,
the woman who broke your heart.
You are just totally
trying to kill my buzz.
No, I'm not. I'm just interested
in what makes you you.
Well, for your information...
...it was more than just one.
It was more like a parade.
Codependent (созависимые) girls, unfaithful girls...
...depressed girls,
narcissistic girls, phony (afkmibdsq) girls.
Girls who, it turned out,
didn't actually like me.
By the time I hit 30, I realized that...
...you can only have
so many lousy (низменные) relationships...
...before you figure out
there's no such thing as a good one.
You can't really believe there's
no such thing as a good relationship.
To my very core.
Hello. Can I get you something?
- I'll have one of those, please.
- A mojito. Sure.
- Would you like anything else?
- Yeah, some water.
Okay, would you like
still or sparkling?
- Tap water's great. Thanks.
- Tap. All right.
What?
What?
It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
So I've been told.
Come on, let's dance.
No, I'm serious.
I've seen your spazzy (идиотский) dance,
now I wanna see the real thing.
- No, really. I can't dance like that.
- I can. Well, kind of.
Oh, Mike, no.
No.
We have an early flight tomorrow.
We should go.
Yeah. We should go.
So the car is gonna pick us up
downstairs tomorrow at 8.
- Do you want me to call you?
- No, I'll get a wake-up call.
- Oh, yeah, good idea.
- Yeah.
- I had a really good time tonight.
- Me too.
Yeah.
- My floor.
- Yeah.
- See you tomorrow.
- Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Yeah, good night.
- A lot of fun. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I guess...
I guess I should go, huh?
Yeah.
Good night.
What the hell was that?
Why do I wanna do it again?
- Miss me?
- Colin.
- You were expecting someone else?
- No.
Since you couldn't come to
Lake Tahoe, I decided to come to you.
- How did you know I was here?
- Joy told me.
I just started thinking about all the
stuff we were going to do there, and l...
Come here.
- decided I couldn't wait.
- A little champagne?
- Yeah.
Great.
So happy to be here. Oh, yes.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing. You just surprised me.
- You told me you were spontaneous.
- Yes, I did.
Have a little something else on its way
up for you. You are going to love it.
Let me tell you,
it comes out so fast, right?
Oh, wow, I guess we have to
get naked sooner than I thought.
- I'll get you a towel.
- Okay.
Abby, I...
Abby, I really, really wanna do that
again, and not just tonight.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Man up, Chadway.
Come on, you can do this.
Hey... Hey. You're not room service.
- How you doing, man?
- Hey.
Hey. Good to see you. l...
I just came by to tell Abby
about the change in our flight time...
...but I can come by later.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What are you doing here?
Flight's changed.
Eight o'clock in the morning.
I told you that already?
I'm so... Long day, big day.
Okay, I'll just leave now.
Mike. Mike.
Hey, wait.
He came to surprise me. I...
- Hey, how convenient.
- No, l...
I thought it was you at the door.
Well, I guess we're all
interchangeable.
I taught you well.
Hey, maybe you could
even host the show.
Tell me what happened
in the elevator.
Should I tell Colin to go?
No.
No, why pull up anchor now?
I mean, you worked damn hard
to get him here.
And that's it?
That's all you have to say?
What do you want me to say?
The truth is ugly, isn't it?
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
I'll see you.
Sorry about that.
No. Honestly, no worries.
Just come here.
Listen, the rest of the night is ours.
To the first of many
romantic evenings to come.
Okay.
Yeah. Colin, why do you like me?
You're beautiful. You're smart.
You...
You never criticize.
You know what?
You never try to control the situation.
And I've gotta say,
it's a breath of fresh air...
...because I know so many women
who are total control freaks...
...and it's a nightmare.
- I just love that you're not like that.
- But I am.
I am just like that.
Wait, what do you mean?
Well, this should be chilled.
But you know that.
And as horrible as it sounds...
...I was editing that speech
the entire time you were giving it.
And the time you fed me caviar,
I was in physical pain.
I hate being fed like a toddler (ребенок).
That's how much
of a control freak I am.
But I couldn't show you
any of that, because...
...who would love someone like that?
No one.
I'm so sorry.
You are a great guy, you really are.
Which is why I have to tell you
that I have not been myself.
Not for one second of the time
that we've been dating.
Then who have you been?
The girl some idiot told me to be.
Morning, Freddy.
What did you do to him?
I didn't do anything.
He missed the flight all on his own.
He quit this morning.
I got a call from the local CBS affiliate
saying they'd closed a deal with him.
Corporate's having a shit fit.
What the hell happened?
He quit to go
to one of our local competitors?
We don't need Mike Chadway.
Halfwit troglodytes
are a dime a dozen.
You'd better be right.
Because you gotta find me
another one or else we're canceled.
I'll find one by the end of the day.
Not really. I'm just...
That's just a joke, everybody.
I can't believe I allowed myself
to feel for him.
Well, you felt enough something
to break up with Colin. I'm sorry.
Okay, here are the Mike Chadway
replacements.
- Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no.
- "Fuck no." All right.
So, what do you think
of the new set?
I love it.
KS XP retained the copyright
to your old segment title...
...so we retitled you:
Morning Madness With Mike.
Love it.
- And this is Joe, your new producer.
- Hi.
You know what I like
best about you, Joe?
Is I don't wanna
have sex with you at all.
I'm relieved to hear that.
How's my face? Is it too shiny?
Which side is better?
Right, left, full frontal?
They're all great. Can we go over
your intro one more time?
- "I'm Jack Magnum, and this is..."
- The Ugly Truth.
Okay. Let's maybe lose
the gun thing.
What? Gun's my signature move.
Unless the NRA is paying
your mortgage this month...
...I say lose the effing (гребаный) gun.
All right,
we're live in five, four, three...
Two, one.
- Think this guy's any good?
- He better be.
I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is The Ugly Truth.
- Peace.
- Oh, Jesus. He's going political.
We'll do a couple questions
with the balloon pilot...
...about how often couples get it on
in-flight, and then we're out.
Got it.
- Check it out. Your replacement's on.
- Jack Magnum.
- My what?
- How's it going, Jack?
Your replacement?
Most of you are watching this show
so you can learn how to get chicks.
Well, let me assure you,
you're in good hands.
You're looking at a guy...
...who personally has had sex
with over 137 women.
Most of them conscious.
- This is beautiful.
- Now, we're at the balloon festival...
...and I'm supposed to be telling you
about how men are full of hot air.
But I think we all know,
it's the ladies that are full of crap.
Just because she says no,
doesn't mean she means no.
If that were the case,
I'd have only 90 women...
- Okay. All right.
- What the hell?
Did she...?
Welcome back.
It looks like we're experiencing
some technical difficulty.
Yeah, when you have
a wine festival...
Okay, I got it.
- Hi.
- We're back.
I'm sorry...
...but Jack Magnum will no longer
be able to do The Ugly Truth.
Which should really
come as no surprise...
...because men
are completely unreliable.
What is she doing?
Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes, I know.
We're fixing it.
Take Mike Chadway, for instance.
He up and quit the show
without so much as a word.
You think you know what men
are gonna do, you think you know...
...what men want to do.
But when it comes down
to that moment...
...where they actually need to step up
and, I don't know, make a move...
...they chicken out.
- I am all over this.
- Where are you going?
- We're live in two.
- It's going great, isn't it?
The big, strong, brave men
that we've all been reading about...
...in novels and watching in movies
since we were 9 years old...
...that's a fallacy (заблуждение). They don't exist.
Men are not strong.
Men are not brave.
Men are afraid.
It's all part of the show. It's an
Andy Kaufman thing we're doing.
Even if they have a moment
in a hotel elevator...
...and it's totally romantic
and full of potential...
...men are incapable of copping to it.
Because why?
Men are weak.
Let me tell you something
about women.
- Hey.
- Woman would have us believe...
...that they are the victims.
That we break their hearts for sport.
- I thought he quit.
- That's crap.
See? I told you we'd get him back.
They say they want true love,
but all they want is a checklist.
Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
Is he a doctor?
For you men who fit the criteria...
...don't kid yourselves,
they're not sleeping with you.
They're sleeping with a carefully
calculated set of venal (корыстный) choices.
Money over substance,
looks over soul.
Polish over principles.
No gesture,
no matter how real or romantic...
...will ever compensate for a really
impressive list of credentials (характеристик).
This coming from a man
who's never made a gesture...
...other than this one.
Oh, so the elevator
wasn't a gesture?
The elevator
was a moment of passion...
...followed by a moment of panic
on your part, apparently.
- Panic? I came by your room.
- Yes, and then you ran away.
That wasn't panic, sweetheart.
That was an unwillingness
to compete...
...with the walking checklist
that was in your bed.
You should be thanking me.
We got 10 seconds.
Are we ready to soar
up, up and away?
Well, there you have it, folks.
That's the ugly truth.
A girl in heat for two guys...
...will choose the one
with the better rйsumй.
That is bullsh...
And we're out.
God. I hate you so much,
I just swore on live television.
No, you hate yourself
for being so shallow.
- Off we go.
- Where are we going?
I'm not going anywhere with you.
- Well, that's a shocker, you're bailing (прыгать в кусты).
- I wouldn't recommend that.
Keep rolling on the onboard camera.
What are you doing?
God, what is wrong with you?
They don't even know
they're on the air, do they?
Is there any way to tell them
they're on the air?
- Nope.
- Oh, they're gonna curse (ругаться). I know it.
So who wants champagne?
Oh, I know. I got a great idea.
Why don't we pass the time
with you telling me...
...how much fun you and Colin had
having sex in Los Angeles?
I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles,
you jackass.
On our left,
you'll see the High Sierras...
- What?
- Oh, yeah. That's got your interest.
If you think we're gonna finish
what we started...
...you're out of your mind.
You lost your chance.
Oh, come on.
I never had a chance with you.
And to our right here, you'll see
the lovely Sacramento River...
...winding its way
through the dichromatic landscape.
Could you please stop talking?
Thank you.
You're right. I had a momentary
lapse (упущение)in judgment...
...when I thought you were
more than you are, but you aren't.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what does that mean?
"I'm Mike Chadway.
I like girls in Jell-O.
I like to fuck like a monkey.
Don't fall in love, it's scary."
Oh, for God's sakes,
there's the first one.
Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying.
Especially when I'm in love
with a psycho like you.
I am not a psycho.
Love?
I just told you that I loved you,
and all you heard was "psycho."
- You're the definition of neurotic.
- No. The definition of neurotic...
...is a person who suffers from anxiety,
obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts...
...without any objective evidence of...
- Shut up.
Yet again,
I just told you I'm in love with you...
...and you're standing here
giving me a vocabulary lesson.
You're in love with me.
Why?
Beats the shit out of me...
...but I am.
Oh, Mike.
- You're amazing.
- I am?
Oh, you're a god.
- Really?
- Oh, God!
Am I really that good?
Or are you...?
Are you just faking it?
You'll never know.
Дата добавления: 2015-11-14; просмотров: 45 | Нарушение авторских прав
| <== предыдущая страница | | | следующая страница ==> |
| The Ugly Truth Script | | | Harrow School |