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Are you alert?
Okay, well tell them...
No.
I'll be there in about 15 minutes,
so stop arguing.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
- Morning, Freddy.
- Morning, Abby.
- You look awfully pretty today.
- Oh, is it that bad in there?
- Good morning. We got problems.
- Morning.
There are no problems, Joy,
only solutions.
The traffic camera is down and we
have no B-roll (материал для оформления сюжета) for our traffic segment.
- That is a problem.
- Yeah.
Call Matt at Media Lab.
He's got some Skycams.
- Where are all my weathermen?
- Right here.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Thank you all for coming.
You guys look great.
Thanks for being here. Good.
Is there a reason
they're all overweight?
If they get the forecast wrong...
...research shows people
are more willing to forgive a fat guy.
I hate to do this.
I don't think I can work with her.
It's bad enough
I have to take her criticism at home.
- A man can only endure (вынести, терпеть) so much.
- Larry, you are not a man...
...you are a newsman.
Newsmen are not defined
by the easy times...
...they're defined by the hard times.
Can you imagine
Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw...
...working with their
wives as co-anchors (помощник ведущего, второй ведущий)? No.
Because they couldn't handle it.
But you. You, my friend,
have balls the size of Volkswagens.
- Don't think I haven't noticed.
- I only thought of them as blue of late.
But you're right.
They're quite sizable.
But not disproportionately so. I think
of them as aesthetically pleasing.
Yeah, I think I made my point.
Are you kidding me right now?
Nobody in Sacramento...
...gives a crap about the extinction rate (коэффициент вымирания)
of the Brazilian slug worm.
Knowing which celebutante (светская львица)
is in rehab (центр реабилитации) is of vital importance?
- Your voice makes my hair...
- Okay. He is trying to kill me.
- He knows I can't eat crab.
- It's Crab Rangoon.
- Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?
- Oh, my God. Does anybody see this?
- Is that a hive (рой пчел)?
- No, looks like syphilis to me.
You wouldn't even know what syphilis
looks like if it weren't for my story.
- Stand by to go to three.
- Yeah, so some...
Cacciatore gets mushrooms, garlic.
Exactly.
- Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
- All right.
And whatever amount
of garlic you want.
- Really?
- You can't have enough garlic.
- Oh, you can.
- I certainly can.
- Do it every night.
- I got a nice, big spoon for you.
- Oh, excellent. Thank you.
- Here you go.
- That good?
- I have to say, Rocco...
...this is the best chicken cacciatore
I've ever tasted.
I knew you'd like it.
It's duck cacciatore, actually.
- Oh, no.
- Did he just say "duck"?
And it's a great alternative
to chicken.
It kind of tastes
just like chicken, right?
Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?
- Get ready to roll to break.
- Yeah.
- Whoa, duck.
- Yeah.
Man, we're a chicken household.
- We are.
- Tell Larry to throw it to Javier...
...while she pulls it together.
- Or is it okay?
- It's good.
- Javier, do you like it?
Can I take home the leftovers (остатки)?
- You sure you don't want any leftovers?
- When we return...
...our live Skycam traffic update.
- Okay.
And guess who's in rehab this week.
- Stand by to roll break.
- Also, how you can adopt...
...your very own slug worm,
when we come back.
- Roll your break.
- How about salt? Salt make it better?
I don't know how you do it.
It's just a matter of looking chaos
right in the eye and telling it to eff off.
You guys did great. Thank you.
I think it's time for a new chef
on this show. I do.
Now, come on.
Rocco's been with us...
- Abby?
- It's this upsetting?
Hey, Stuart wants to see you.
He's freaking out.
Oh, he got the ratings.
- Want some?
- Yeah, give me that.
Have you seen the ratings
from yesterday?
We got beat by all the network shows,
including a rerun (повтор) of Who's the Boss?
The one where the vacuum breaks.
It's just a temporary setback.
Things will be better tomorrow.
You know that guy
with the cable-access show...
...on Channel 83 does better.
If we program
Jerry Springer reruns...
...we'd do a nine-share
at a quarter of the price.
Please don't tell me
you're thinking of killing the show.
We're not a family-run station
anymore, Abby.
I mean, I love you.
You're great at what you do.
But you gotta get me some numbers.
I got two daughters in college
and a son in beauty school.
I don't know how much you know about
Vidal Sassoon, but that shit ain't cheap.
I can rally (объединиться, усилиться). I will rally.
You do rally. Every day, Abby.
But that's what worries me.
That even you won't be enough.
I should not be letting
corporate management...
...dictate the content of this show.
It's my show.
I control it.
I should skip the date tonight.
Stay home,
think up some ideas for sweeps (сезонный анализ популярности телепрограмм).
Absolutely not, Abby.
You should be out there
observing humanity.
- Humanity is who watches our show.
- Yeah. All 2.47 percent of them.
You have rescheduled
on this guy three times.
You cancel on him tonight
and he's gone.
Look at this bone structure.
This could be the bone structure
of your future children.
Don't you want them
to be symmetrical?
You printed his profile?
What? Yes. These have not
been touched in some time.
I have to live vicariously (опосредованно)
through your life.
I really think that this
could be our next boyfriend.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown
hair, athletic build, blue eyes.
He's 5'9". Which I know
you're thinking is short...
...but he's read The Great Gatsby...
- Well, technically 5'8" and a half...
...but I could read The Great Gatsby
again if it makes it any better.
Hi. Can I get some water
for the table?
Yeah, a bottle of flat water, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Just one second. I'm sorry. Did you
know they've done studies that show...
...tap water and bottled water
are the same thing.
They passed a law where restaurants
have to filter their tap water...
...so it's filtered water,
which is the same as bottled water...
...except you don't have to pay
7 dollars for it.
I like the way it tastes better.
Can I get a Scotch on the rocks too?
- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah.
I thought...
I thought in your profile it said you...
You like to drink red wine.
- You printed out my profile?
- My associate producer did.
She doesn't like me to not be prepared.
Not that I'm ever not prepared.
Kudos, by the way, on your
comprehensive car insurance plan.
- That wasn't in my profile.
- No, but it's in your background check (проверка биографических данных).
So tell me about yourself.
Well, what's left to talk about
that you don't already know?
Good point.
All right, well, you know...
...I actually took the liberty
of printing out some talking points...
...in case this happened.
- I take it this has happened before?
- No. No.
But you have nine out of 10 of the
necessary attributes on my checklist.
Oh, dear God. Okay.
Oh, this is a good one.
Let's start with three, okay?
Don't ask.
More on this when we come back.
We'll hear from a zoo official
forced to take...
And we're back with The Ugly Truth,
where we're gonna be talking about...
...what it is men and women
really want in relationships.
I've been looking through some books.
Smart Women, Foolish Choices.
Men Who Love Women
Who Hate Them.
And Women Hating Men Who
Loved Women Who Hate Loving Men.
Billions and billions wasted
on psychobabble (психотреп) bullshit.
Now, listen up, ladies, because
I'm only gonna say this once...
...and it is just three little words:
Men are simple.
We cannot be trained.
All this, "men are from Venus" crap
is a waste of your time and money.
You wanna be a lonely hag (старуха),
then that's fine...
...keep reading these stupid books.
But you want a relationship,
then here's how you get one:
It's called a Stairmaster.
Get on it, and get skinny...
...and get some trashy lingerie (нижнее бельишко)
while you're at it...
...because at the end of the day,
all we're interested in is looks.
And no one falls in love
with your personality at first sight.
We fall in love with your tits
and your ass...
...and we stick around because of
what you're willing to do with them.
So you wanna win a man over,
you don't need 10 steps...
...you need one,
and it's called a blowjob (минет).
And don't forget to...
Okay? Now, let's take the first caller.
How dare you burn those books.
They've helped my personal life
more than I can say.
What's your boyfriend's name,
princess?
Well, I'm not seeing anyone
right now.
My point exactly, Shrek. Next caller.
You're on the air (быть в эфире).
So you're saying that men
are incapable of love?
Oh, did I burst your little
Harlequin (клоун) romance bubble?
What? Come on.
The only thing you burst
is your credibility.
Men are completely capable
of experiencing love.
Okay, I'll bite. Go on.
Who's the guy?
- What?
- The guy. Mr. Wonderful.
The one who's so capable of love.
Who is he? What's he like?
He's smart, he's handsome
but he doesn't know it.
He's successful, but in a job
that means something.
He loves red wine, picnics,
classical music.
This is a guy in America, right?
I mean, you're not calling
from Europe or something?
He loves dogs,
but he's more of a cat person.
He never gets up before you
on a Sunday morning.
Wait a second, I get it.
You're a lesbian.
- What?
- Well, you must be.
I mean, you just described
the perfect woman.
Why are you so threatened
by these qualities?
Is it perhaps because you don't
possess a single one of them...
...and that is the real reason
why women aren't interested in you?
Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks
of my own money...
...to go get this guy and bring him
down here and let me meet him.
Well, he's out there, somewhere.
Wait a second.
You're not even dating this guy?
No, I'm describing a type.
I thought that's what we were doing.
What? You don't even know him?
Whoa, okay, now I get the picture.
Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
- What?
- Well, you must be.
Come on, you heard me.
I mean, if you were...
If you were hot, you would be out
breaking some poor schmuck's heart...
...instead of spending all your time
fantasizing about Mr. Wonderful.
Face it...
...you're ugly.
I am not ugly.
Well, okay, let me help you out here.
You might as well face the fact
that you're gonna be alone...
...and stop pining away for some
fantasy guy you're never gonna get.
- How can you possibly...?
- Hey, Lassie.
The show's called The Ugly Truth.
If you can't face it, don't call.
That wraps it up (пора закругляться) for this evening.
I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
that the truth is never pretty.
How'd the date go?
Well, I was very pleased
with the choice of restaurant.
- That is so awesome.
- Why?
Good morning, everyone.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Now, before I play you this,
I should warn you...
...this guy's a little rough
around the edges (грубоват, резковат на поворотах).
- Face it, you're ugly.
- I am not ugly.
- Well...
- Why are we watching this?
Say hello
to our new guest commentator.
I'm starting him at two segments
a week, three minutes a pop.
- Are you kidding me?
- Who the hell is this guy?
- Name's Mike Chadway.
- And he's an uber-moron (грубый дурак) misogynist (женоненавистник)...
...who represents everything wrong
with television and society.
I get crap every time I suggest
we do something remotely fluffy.
Oh, come on.
He's got a point of view.
We don't have to like it.
I mean, we're newspeople.
We're objective.
Stone Phillips interviews terrorists.
Doesn't mean he likes them,
he does it for ratings.
I have a list of ideas
to improve ratings.
- You'll like it. We don't need him.
- Not at all.
- "An intimate (личная) profile of the mayor."
- I like that.
- I like the mayor.
- Fantastic.
- The mayor?
- Yes. It can be edgy and yet intriguing.
Unless you can get him to bang
three crack (кокаин) whores (проститутка)...
...and a German shepherd on live TV,
no one's gonna give a shit.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was eavesdropping (подслушивать) out in the hall.
What did I tell you?
Isn't this guy great?
Oh, thanks, boss.
You already hired him?
Who's this delightful creature?
I'm your producer.
Hey.
I like a woman on top.
God.
- Nice office.
- He's just kidding.
Oh, yeah.
- Excuse me.
- Mike, you see your office?
- No, I didn't.
- Let me show you.
- Beautiful.
- Everybody take five. I'll be right back.
Were you all not there last year
for our sexual-harassment(сексуальное домогательство) meeting?
- Were you not there, Larry?
- He needs to go.
He wasn't sexually harassing me.
I am an award-winning news producer.
Award-winning producer.
I am an award-winning news producer.
I am an award-winning news producer.
You're an award-winning
news producer.
- You don't knock?
- Well, I did knock. You didn't answer.
So essentially, your knock was negated
by your complete lack of adherence (соблюдение плавил и норм)...
...to the social etiquette
that follows a knock.
You're wound like a fucking top.
Woof, woof. Remember the bark?
Last night,
a little phone conversation we had.
Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
You're not ugly at all.
Oh, well, imagine my relief.
I want to thank you
for getting me this gig (работа).
I would never have gotten it
without you.
You and I, we make good TV.
You make imbecilic trash...
...watched by housebound inbreds (рожденный в кровосмешении)
who are so busy...
...with their hands down their pants,
they can't change the remote.
I hadn't been picturing you that way,
but it's a nice image.
I do not watch your program.
My cat stepped on the remote.
Oh, you want to
thank your pussy for me, then?
Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
I want you to skewer (жарить на шампуре) him.
I want Mike Chadway
to go down in flames.
I want Mike Chadway to be nothing
but a pile of ash next to you.
I want the janitor (уборщик) to come vacuum up
the ashes of Mike with his Dustbuster...
...and when he dumps it outside,
I want the rats to vomit and defecate (помочиться)...
...on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
And I thought
you were angry and bitter.
No, Larry,
that would be my untouched vagina.
- Chadway?
- What?
Twenty seconds to air.
About ready? Larry?
- There's a bird in my dressing room.
- I'll take care of it.
- A real bird?
- It's flying around.
- A sparrow?
- Why?
- I don't know what type of bird it is.
- Security here is awful.
You guys have really got to keep
the doors closed.
Four, three...
Morning, everyone, I'm Larry Freeman.
Another beautiful day in Sacramento.
And I'm here with
a beautiful woman.
- Go, 1.
- All right, here we go.
Thank you, Larry.
- I'm Georgia Bordeney.
- Ready for the single on Georgia.
For years, there have been concerns
about lowering television standards.
But many believe that this man
and his local public-access show...
...have brought things to a new low.
With that,
we welcome Mike Chadway.
How you doing, guys?
Mike, how do you respond to people
who say your show is offensive?
Well, it is.
But then again, so is the truth.
The truth about what, Mr. Chadway?
What relationships are really like.
Take marriage, for instance.
It's about social pressure,
status and sex.
If it weren't for these three things,
men and women wouldn't even speak.
Oh, dear. Sounds to me
like no one's ever loved you...
...and you're taking that out
on the female population.
Good one.
- It's like Crossfire.
- That was a good one.
While we're making
these observations...
...you two project this image of the
perfect couple, when clearly it's a lie.
Excuse me?
- Holy shit.
- Break for commercial.
- No.
- Stuart said keep rolling no matter what.
What? When? This is my show.
- Not right now, it isn't.
- Not right now.
Come on, Larry.
I watched your show for years.
You used to be this cool,
confident cat.
What the hell happened to you?
And you, Georgia.
I mean, this one's no dumb bunny Глупец).
The only way she was getting
off the weekend shift...
...was by hooking up with you.
Then, lo and behold, she became
more popular than you did.
Ended up with twice your salary.
- Camera 2, two-shot.
- Come on, Larry, take him down.
Hold on, pal.
I am very proud of my wife's success.
Baloney, you are.
You hate her success.
You feel emasculated (кастрированный, вялый) by her.
And that screws with your head.
Which, in turn,
screws with your manhood (зрелость, мужественность).
What's your point?
- Yes, Georgia, take control.
- My point, Georgia...
My point is that your husband...
...hasn't had sex with you in...
...l'm gonna say,
what, three months?
- Chadway, that is not my fault.
- I know.
- I mean, come on.
- I know, I know. It's her fault.
Why is it my fault?
What am I supposed to do?
Say no to the money
so he can get an erection?
She just said "erection"
on television.
- Other networks do it.
- They're talking about erections.
They say "erection"
on Sesame Street.
- I agree.
- Thank you.
You've economically emasculated
your husband...
...to such a point
that he's afraid to want you.
I mean, sure,
you could dump his ass...
...but, honey, have you seen the
Eligible (могучий) men in Sacramento? Oh, God.
It's slim pickings for a woman
in her 40s, I can tell you.
Forties?
- Oh, God.
- Hold that shot with Georgia and Mike.
He just talked about her age.
- She's gonna kill me.
- Well...
- Forty?
- I mean, you ain't gonna do...
...any better than Larry.
You just have to let him be a man.
- Let him be a man, Georgia.
- I let him be a man.
- You have to let me be a man.
- I have tried.
- Let him be a man.
- You have to let me.
Simple as that. Now, you,
Frowny McFlaccid, come on.
- Oh, God.
- Camera 1, ready for a three-shot ()).
- I'm not frowny.
- Yes, you are.
Move in here and give
this beautiful woman a kiss.
- God. This is ridiculous.
- McFlaccid?
- That mean what I think it means?
- Yes. Kiss her.
- No. They're not gonna...
- Give it to her, right in front of me.
- And in front of them.
- Let me...
Goddamn it, Georgia,
let me be a man.
- No!
- Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.
America doesn't want to see this.
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
Get ready to roll to break (ставить рекламу).
Ready to roll...
Oh, you are a man.
He is a man. Break.
Cut to commercial!
- Cut to commercial!
- That was great! Wasn't that great?
I told you that guy was great.
Good job, everybody.
Abby?
Found her.
One-thousand,
one hundred and forty-three calls...
...over 300 e-mails,
53 percent of them were women.
This guy's a lightning rod.
They liked him?
Liked him? They loved him.
Ninety-three percent positive.
- How is that possible?
- Well, I don't know.
But I am scaling back the news
and giving it to The Ugly Truth.
Stuart, I really think this is a mistake.
What do we even know about this guy?
- Who is he, really?
- Moved here when he was 10...
...pitched two consecutive
Little League Championships. Cute.
"Most Likely to Get Slapped"
in his senior yearbook.
Three years San Josй State. Salesman
of the Year at Dobson Medical in '04.
Once arrested for urinating (мочиться) out of a
moving vehicle... That is challenging.
- Tell me about it.
- Never married, hates asparagus.
Look, let's just keep a smile
on this guy's face...
...and we'll both get
our contracts renewed.
Congratulations?
Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.
I'm having a party on Saturday...
...and you know what happens
when I drink tequila.
It's me, Nikki. Why haven't you
called me? I miss you.
- I can't stop thinking about your huge...
- Hey.
- Who's that?
- Rubbing all over my...
- Dripping wet...
- How was...?
How was school?
- Well, you totally hosed (обмануть) me.
- What?
Last week on your show, you said,
"Always be mean to hot girls...
...because they'll want you more."
Well, I tried it on Shauna.
She cried, and then I got detention (заказание).
First of all,
don't listen to what I say on my show.
Second of all, you're supposed
to do that to 25-year-old girls...
...who think they're hot
and can get any guy they want...
...not 14-year-old girls.
They're going through puberty 9половое созревание).
They got enough problems.
Mom said when she was 14,
she was the prettiest girl in class.
Well, I was there when she was 14,
and let me tell you something. She lied.
Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
He was blind from touching himself
inappropriately.
That's a nice thing to tell your son.
Like he hasn't heard worse
on your show.
Let's hope you can clean it up
now that you're on a network.
Congrats.
D'Artagnan, no, you didn't.
No, D'Artagnan, you get back here.
Get back here.
No, do not... No, no, no.
D'Artagnan.
D'Artagnan.
Shit.
All right.
I'll just come up.
I'm really not that flexible, D'Artagnan.
I'm coming.
I got you, hold on.
Hold on. Come here, baby.
No, no. No, no. Come on.
Come here, D'Artagnan.
Good boy. Oh, good boy. Okay.
Okay. You're gonna be okay.
I hope we can get down.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
My, my.
He flosses (пользоваться зубной нитью).
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!
I'm stuck in a tree!
Help me! Anybody!
- I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
- Stay, stay calm.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Get me down! Get me down!
Sorry. Oh, my God.
So you just moved in. That's great.
I'm Abby, by the way.
Your neighbor from across the way.
- So you're a doctor?
- An orthopedic surgeon.
Yeah, I do a lot of leg and hip stuff,
but I do get the occasional foot.
Your ankle seems to be fine.
Just a mild sprain, this should help.
Great. Thank you.
I guess I'm pretty lucky my cat chose
the tree outside your window to climb.
I'm here whenever you need me.
I'm gonna put my home number
on the back of my business card.
If your ankle starts giving you
any problems, give me a call.
Great. Thanks.
Oh, wow, that's so weird.
He doesn't usually like men.
Well, you know,
dogs are great, but I'm a cat person.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'll get going, then.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Thanks again for saving my life.
- Anytime.
- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
- You forgot your cat.
- Right.
I had a spider on me.
- Yeah.
- It's gone now, though. Good.
- Bye.
- Okay.
- Thanks again.
- Good night.
You are not gonna believe
how perfect he is.
- Symmetrical?
- Oh, you have no idea.
- Oh, good Lord.
- Yeah.
How did you leave it?
He ask for your number?
No, but he gave me his.
Should I call him?
- lf I call do call him, what should I say?
- Okay. Take a breath.
- And please, sweetheart, no tap water.
- No tap water.
- Don't bring it up.
- You've got naughty eyes.
- Anyone ever tell you that?
- I have naughty everything.
- Hold that thought.
- No, hey, you won't get in trouble.
Down a bit. Down a bit.
Okay.
Bye, Karen.
Keep it clean, moving,
stick to the script.
You are on a live
Affiliate (сливать, присоединять) news program.
You do not have the luxury of using
"blow" and "job" in the same sentence.
If you say anything scatological,
you will be fired.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
I thought that you were the one
that was gonna get fired...
...if you don't keep me happy.
Yes. I've got a list of demands that
I would like to make after the show...
...and let me just warn you,
they're gonna be scatological.
Just because you look pretty today...
...I won't mention the misguided
phallic rage you just displayed.
When you hear my voice,
just do what I say.
Promise you'll talk dirty?
Good morning, Sacramento.
I'm Larry Freeman.
And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
And I'm Mike Chadway.
And this is The Ugly Truth.
Where we'll be taking
a few minutes every day...
...to talk about men,
women and relationships.
Let's start with men.
Men are simple.
To illustrate my point, here we have
a classic romantic setting.
We have candlelight, champagne,
and even...
...your own personal violinist.
Now...
...over here,
we have something quite different.
- This isn't on my list.
- Follow me.
Is the segment over?
Where the hell's he going?
- Follow him. Follow him.
- Go with him, Remote 1.
- Hey.
- Babes wrestling in Jell-O.
- Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
- Hello? Abby?
- People calling and freaking out.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Sit down!
- Turn the monitor up.
Let's take a quick survey and see which
option the men out there would pick.
We have classical music
and candle-lit dinner...
...or semi-naked chicks wrestling
in strawberry-flavored goo.
Oh, shit.
All right. If we're gonna do this,
we might as well milk it.
Two, get ready to go wide.
One, tight on his hand.
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
Just do it.
I was wrong. It's cherry.
Back to you in the studio,
Georgia. Bye.
Coming up,
we're gonna visit the aquarium...
...and see how
Penny the Porpoise is.
Can she clear that 10-foot pole...
...with a ball on her nose?
When we come back.
When we come back.
Chemistry. I smell threesome.
Great job, ladies.
I can still taste you.
You know what I mean.
Do you realize that I once had...
...the Archbishop Desmond Tutu
on this show?
- Who's that?
- I can't demonstrate how far I've fallen.
You're not smart enough
to get the references.
Hey, wait. I thought
we were a great team back there.
You told me to lick the Jell-O.
Do you understand
how much I hate myself for that?
It was cheap titillation (удовольствие).
I am now going to broadcasting hell...
...right behind
the naked weathergirl from Canada.
Seriously?
There's a naked weathergirl?
Hey, can we get her?
You have to do it
for the ratings, Abby.
Think of my son. My son, who had
a dream of being a cosmetician.
Think about him. Think about Joy.
Just do it for me.
Today it'll be partly sunny with a cloud
cover moving in from my left breast.
Low pressure systems are moving up,
so expect a cold front.
Watch Mike Chadway
on Sacramento A. M...
...giving us The Ugly Truth
each and every day...
...at 9:00, right here on Channel 2.
- Oh, God.
I used to like caviar, until I found out
it was made out of fish eggs.
- You know that?
- Caviar's revolting.
- I almost started to gag.
- Morning, ladies.
- John.
- Yesterday's ratings.
Thanks, John.
Guess I should be happy
about this, right?
Yeah. Yeah. You've never
gotten a 12-share before.
I feel dirty.
- Did you hear about the ratings?
- Yes, I am the producer.
Then did you hear
corporate's coming next week...
...to take me out to dinner?
Well, let's hope you can chew
with your mouth closed.
Why do you hate my guts (кишки)?
Your innards (внутренности) are of no consequence
to me. It's what you represent.
Oh, you hate the truth.
Your skewed perception of male-female
interaction is not the truth.
But your imaginary boyfriend's
the truth?
For your information,
I happened to meet him.
Well, I hope he's real this time,
because otherwise this is just sad.
Oh, he's real. He's very real.
Not to mention stunningly handsome,
morally sound. He's a surgeon.
An orthopedic surgeon.
- You know what that means.
- What?
Had to stick his finger up
some guy's butt in medical school.
You disgust me.
- So did Butt Boy ask you out?
- Not yet.
We're taking things slow,
getting to know each other first.
Why am I talking to you about this?
In other words,
he didn't actually ask you out.
What are you doing?
Doctor's office.
Hi. This is Abby Richter
calling for Dr. Anderson.
- Please hold.
- Yes, I'll hold.
What are you doing?
Why are you calling this guy? No.
- Dr. Anderson.
- Hi, Colin. This is Abby.
Your neighbor from last night.
Hey. Everything okay?
How's the ankle treating you?
Couldn't be better.
I was just calling to let you know how
much I enjoyed meeting you last night.
Thanks.
And I was thinking we should
go out for dinner sometime.
There is a new
French bistro in town...
...and an art opening
that got amazing reviews.
So I was thinking
we could go on Friday.
Friday...
- Would Saturday be better?
- Actually...
...Abby, the thing is,
I haven't really settled in yet.
- What are you doing?
- Saving you. He was blowing you off.
He wasn't blowing me off!
Don't. Okay, he'll be
expecting you to call him.
And when you don't, he'll call back.
- How do you know?
- Because I know how men operate.
If you want it to work out with this guy,
then you'll listen to me...
...and you'll do exactly as I say.
You've done irreparable damage...
...with your psycho-aggressive
control-freak phone call.
It might even be too late.
And if you do salvage (спасение) the situation,
you'll never be more than Abby...
...his desperate neighbor.
- I'm not desperate.
Why? Did you think
I sounded desperate?
Listen to you. Desperately asking me
if you sound desperate.
Okay.
Although you won't admit it, you know
that I know what I'm talking about.
It's your call, dude.
- Fine. What do I do?
- Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug."
- Why would l...?
- Just do it.
Hey, Doug.
No. This is Colin.
- Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
- That's perfect.
Who's Doug?
- Who's Doug?
- He's just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
Just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
Oh, okay.
- Hang on a second.
- Hang on a second.
Sure.
- Now what?
- Now just make him wait.
If he's still holding on after 30 more
seconds, you may have a chance.
No one's gonna wait
for somebody they're trying to blow off.
- You better be right.
- Give me time...
...l'm gonna make this guy your bitch.
- I don't want a bitch.
Colin would never be a bitch.
He is a well-rounded man...
...capable of mature emotions
and deep, abiding (непреодолимая) love.
- Things which you know not of.
- Maybe not.
But I do know about lust (похоть),
Seduction (совращение) and manipulation.
Things that you know not of.
Abby, I'll make you a deal.
If you do exactly as I say,
and you get this guy...
...then you'll quit giving me shit
and work with me.
You know as well as I do
that we could make this show huge.
And if it doesn't work?
What do I get?
Then I'll quit.
You're really that confident?
It's been more than 30 seconds.
All right, deal. Now what?
Always make an impression.
Let's get a move on.
We have work to do.
- But what about the...?
- In five seconds, he'll call. Come on.
What are you, Nostradamus?
Amazing.
Rule number one: never criticize.
- Even if it's constructive?
- Never.
Men are incapable of growth,
change or progress.
For men, self-improvement
ends at toilet training.
And rule number two:
laugh at whatever he says.
- What if what he says isn't funny?
- That's irrelevant (неприемлемо).
- A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm.
- A fake orgasm is good?
No, but a fake orgasm
is better than no orgasm at all.
- A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
- Only to you.
You're not the only person in the room,
you know. Let's not be selfish.
Now, that was perfect.
- Real or fake?
- You'll never know.
Rule number three:
men are very visual.
- We have to change your look.
- What's wrong with my look?
Abby, you're a very attractive woman,
but you are completely inaccessible.
You're all about
comfort and efficiency.
What's wrong with comfort?
Well, nothing,
except no one wants to fuck it.
- Hello. May I be of assistance?
- Yes, you may.
We need cocktail dresses...
...tight jeans and some bras
that'll make my friend's breasts...
...sit up and say hello.
- They're not saying hello now?
- What are they saying?
- They're giving more of a passing nod...
...rather than an outright greeting.
You know what?
Why don't you try this on?
- I think this would be wonderful.
- Now, that is a bra.
Boobies in this thing say,
"Put me in your mouth, I taste good."
I'm actually wearing one
right now as we speak.
Length is very important.
We need short enough to see some
thigh, but not so short to see vag.
- Vag says you're trying too hard.
- You think?
Jeans are all about
the curvature (изгиб) of the ass.
You've... Well, you've got
the raw materials.
Now all you need is
the proper presentation.
- Did you just tell me I have a nice ass?
- Do you have to be so crass (тупица)?
Jesus.
Rule number four:
never talk about your problems...
...because men don't
really listen or care.
- Some men care.
- No, some men pretend to care.
When we ask you how you're doing,
it's guy code for:
"Let me stick my dick in your ass."
Oh, I know you think Colin is
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