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It was naive for Harris to think that Cathy's anger, resentment, and feelings of powerlessness from being neglected for twelve years were going to go away after two weeks of being in love. It was equally naive for Cathy to think that Harris could sustain his focus on her and the family without taking time to pull away and focus on himself. When Harris started to pull away it triggered Cathy's wave to crash. Her unresolved feelings started coming up. She was not just reacting to Harris watching TV that night but to the years of being neglected. Their argument turned into yelling. After two hours of yelling they weren't talking to each other. By understanding the bigger picture of what had happened, they were able to resolve their conflict and make up. Harris understood that when he started to pull away it triggered Cathy's time to do some emotional housecleaning. She needed to talk about her feelings and not be made wrong. Harris was encouraged by the realization that she was fighting to be heard, just as he was fighting to be free. He learned that by supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free. Cathy understood that Harris did not mean to invalidate her hurt feelings. In addition she understood that though he was pulling away he would be back and they would be able to experience intimacy again. She realized that their increased intimacy had triggered his need to pull away. She learned that her hurt feelings made him feel controlled, and he needed to feel she was not trying to tell him what he could do.
What a Woman Can Do When He Can't Listen
Harris asked, "What if I just can't listen and I need to be in my cave? Sometimes, I start to listen and I become furious." I assured him that this is normal. When her wave crashes and she needs to be heard the most, sometimes his rubber band is triggered and he needs to pull away. He cannot give her what she needs. He emphatically agreed and said, "Yes, that's right. When I want to pull away, she wants to talk." When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, his trying to listen only makes matters worse. After a short time he either will be judging her and possibly explode with anger or he will become incredibly tired or distracted, and she will become more upset. When he is not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect, these three actions can help:
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