I hate being ill. I don’t simply mean that I dislike the illness itself, although that’s also true, but I hate what being ill does to my character. As soon as I have a headache or a cold, or the first signs of flu coming on, I proceed to behave as if I were in the grips of some fatal illness and wear an expression of martyrdom which is supposed to indicate that I will bravely face the few days of life that are left to me.
The fact is that I have developed into a fine art the ability to feel sorry for myself, and which is more important, to ring sympathy out of the women who surround me. I love being nursed and fussed over, and I make a three-day cold last a good week by a combination of carefully produced and well-timed groans and grimaces. Of course, being a man, I have to show that I suffer my pain bravely, but I make it quite clear that I am, nonetheless, suffering.
I suffer beautifully. I am really good at it, and I can melt the hardest female heart the minute I show symptoms of, for instance, migraine, even though I’m probably suffering from nothing more serious than a hangover. The first thing you must do is to deny that you are suffering, because they will be reluctant to give you any sympathy, if they think that that’s what you are after. But at the same time, that you deny you’re ill, you must furrow your brow and touch the part of you that is in agony to show that the pain is overwhelming you, in spite of your efforts to put a brave front. Once you are into your pajamas and your bed, the battle is as good as one. Do not at first ask for anything – you do not want to be a bother to anyone, you are prepared to lie there alone and suffering in silence until the end comes. Under no circumstances should you ask for food – nobody can have a really worthwhile illness and an appetite. At no time at all they are all over you – full of concern and caresses, stroking you brow and destroying themselves in an attempt to restore you to health. Most men are naturally good at this sort of things and will exploit a minor illness to good effect. But men are not hypochondriacs – sufferers from imaginary illnesses as most women assert. The fact is that most men are fully aware that they are performing a valuable social service by making out that they are more ill than they really are. You see, women love illnesses. They do not on the whole like to be ill themselves, although they will occasionally take to their beds on some flimsy pretext, just to make sure that they are not being taken completely for granted. No, a wife actually likes her husband to be ill from time to time, so that she can show off her talents as an amateur Florence Nightingale. It is the spirit of noble self-sacrifice that really fulfils her. Even if she’s encouraged by all the television commercials she sees, which show a calm, caring mother, wife, who gives mopping to fevered brows, administering patent medicines, preparing soothing potions, and generally behaving like a ministering angel. And when she shakes the thermometer before prodding it into your unprotesting mouth, well, you would think it was a magic wand and she a fairy god-mother. This is the role they see themselves in, and we, poor men, so far from being the exploiting male chauvinist pigs of contemporary mythology are in fact the exploited victims of their fantasies.
Still, as I said before, it is nice to be ill once you get the hang of it. If, in addition, you want to make your loved one happy, keep her awake night after night with your moans and groans and your requests for hot drinks and cold compresses. As for her there is a bonus. When you are better and back at work, think of all the pleasure she’s going to get out of telling her neighbours about the hell she’s been though.
Questions:
1. Does it really sound to you that the author hates being ill? Why / why not?
2. What are the man’s most common complaints? How does he manage to exaggerate the seriousness of his condition? Find expressions in the text aimed at revealing his tendency to exaggerating.
3. Pick up all the pieces of advice on how to be ill, which the author provides in the text. Are you ready to take them? Or do you actually behave in the same way when you are ill?
4. How does he expect the women who surround him behave?
5. Do you share the author’s opinion about women being filled with “the spirit of noble self-sacrifice”?
6. It is stated that men and women tend to behave differently when they fall ill. Do you agree with that?
TASK 12. Use expressions from the text to complete the sentences:
1. ________ shall I go to hospital! I’d rather die in my own bed!
2. When Jeremy was suffering from the mumps he made his mother ________, never allowing her to have a moment’s rest.
3. I don’t usually drink much because I hate suffering from ________ in the morning.
4. When Granny fell off the stairs and broke her leg, her grandchildren offered to stay at her place and look after her, but she refused point blank. She said she didn’t want to_______. Moreover, she could afford a real nurse.
5. Hue didn’t exactly understand how the accident happened. The only thing he was aware of was that he was lying on the ground, not being able to move a limb because _________. Later it turned out he had five broken and fractured bones.
6. Once Andrew fell ill while visiting his old aunt in an Essex village. Instead of feeding him with dozens of different pills, as his mother usually did, she prepared some ______________________ for him to drink and he got better in a couple of days.
7. Marianne often stays home from school _______. She wakes up in the morning and starts ___________________________ to show that she has a bad ________. With the help of __________ she softens her mother’s heart, of course. But I think, she just plays truant..
8. In this two-day first-aid course, ladies, you have to _____ of how to give injections and bandage injuries.
TASK 13.
WORD CHOICE: sick, ill, not well, unwell. Study the information in the vocabulary box below and fill in the gaps in the sentences that follow. In some cases options are possible.
| Sick | In Br.E., sick is usually used in the expressions ‘ to be sick’ that is to have the food in your stomach come up through your mouth and ‘ to feel sick ’, that is to feel as if this is going to happen, e.g. Someone had been sick on the floor. Stop it, I feel sick! |
| Ill | · If someone has an illness or disease, you usually say that they are ill in BrE, and sick in AmE, e.g. He missed a lot of school when he was ill (BrE) / sick (AmE). · In American English, ill suggests you have a more serious disease, from which you may not recover. · In BrE is not used attributively, only predicatively, He is a very ill person. – WRONG! He is a very sick person. – Right! 1. ‘Ill’ can be used predicatively only in some set expressions, e.g. ill effects; ill treatment; ill health; ill feeling; ill will |
| Not well | If someone is slightly ill, you often say in British English that they are not well, e.g. I won't come out - I'm not very well. |
| Unwell | Unwell is a more formal word for 'ill' or 'sick'. |
| Words Combinability |
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SPEAKING
TASK 14.
A. People often complain about their health to their friends and acquaintances. It’s a good idea to know how to respond to these complaints. Work with a partner. Make 2 exchanges about your health using as many expressions from the table below as possible
| Common Complaints | Sympathetic responses | |
| I feel a bit under the weather. | Maybe you're going down with something. There's a bug going around. | |
| I'm not feeling very well. | Why don't you go home and have a lie-down? | |
| I think I'm going down with a cold. I've got a sore throat. | Maybe you should go home and get some rest. | |
| I've got a slight headache. | You don't look very well. | |
| I feel a little faint. | I'm sorry to hear that. | |
| I've got a nagging pain in my shoulder. | You look a little pale. | |
| I've got a splitting headache. | I hope it's not a migraine. | |
| I have a bit of a stomach bug. | You look poorly. | |
| I think I've got a bit of a temperature. | You look like death warmed up. | |
| I have a touch of flu. | You're looking peaky. | |
| I've got a nasty cough. I’m afraid I’m coming down with a cold. | Why don’t go to the doctor? | |
| I feel really rough. / I'm shattered. / I'm on my last legs. | Hmm, you'd better stay at home today. | |
| My head is spinning, my mouth feels like cotton, and I have a scratchy throat. | You really look a bit run-down. | |
| I'm not sleeping very well at the moment. | ||
| I’ve sprained / dislocated / twisted my ankle / wrist. | ||
| I’ve broken my arm. I'll be in plaster for weeks. | ||
| My back aches / I've got backache. | ||
| I feel sick. / I'm feeling nauseous. / I’ve got a terrible stomach ache. / I think I've got food poisoning. / I've eaten something bad and I feel unwell. | ||
| I've got a temperature, a sore throat and a runny nose. I think I've got a really bad cold. |
B. Somehow, there are fewer expressions to praise your own or someone else’s health. But still they do exist. Here are some of them:
· I feel great!
· I'm on top of the world!
· I feel like a million dollars!
· I couldn't feel any better!
· There's nothing at all wrong with me.
· He's glowing with health.
· He looks very well.
· He is the picture of health. (Note the definite article!)
Use three expressions to speak favourably about your or your friends’ health.
TASK 15.
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