She nodded and kissed his jaw, moving back to his lips and staying there until someone started pounding on the bathroom door.
||
They didn't talk about it, which was weird, because they talked about everything. But Mikey wasn't quite ready to come back, so they said their goodbyes without mentioning the making out to each other or the rest of the band.
Mikey called that night and they talked about Gerard's girlfriend, Rae's solos, Mikey's toaster. She didn't want to bring it up, and apparently Mikey didn't either. And if she hung up and got herself off as quietly as she could, well, it wasn't the first time.
They'd stopped for lunch halfway to Colorado the second-to-last day of the tour when Gerard approached her. It was just a few days after Jersey; she'd had plenty of time to think about kissing Mikey, but not nearly enough time so that nervousness didn't attack when her best friend, who happened to also be Mikey's brother, approached.
He handed her a soda, looking as serious as she'd ever seen him. "So. You know I've been kind of, um."
"Um?"
She wasn't expecting him to duck his head, smiling almost shyly. "You know, in a relationship."
"Getting laid, you mean? In the best of ways," she said quickly. "And yeah, I do."
He nodded. "We've decided something."
He was obviously building up to something. She tilted her head and waited.
When he finally said it, it came out in a rush. "I know you're not a dude, and really, they should come up with a less gendered name for the position, but you're kind of my best friend and I know it's fast but we both really want to before the end of the tour, and we found someone to do it but it'll have to wait 'till tomorrow which is pretty dramatic, Jimmy's already making fun of Lyn for it, but we're kind of in love and it's going to be awesome anyway." He took a deep breath. "Please?"
"Gerard, you didn't tell me what you want," she said slowly.
"Oh!" His smile was ridiculously huge. "I'm marrying Lyn. Will you be my best man? Woman?"
She hugged him until he was gasping for air.
||
"Married," she said that night. "Seriously. Just – you're getting married. "
He hugged her middle even harder. "I'm going to leave in a few minutes to have sex, you know."
She nodded. "That's cool. Married."
He laughed. It wasn't quite self-conscious, but he pressed his face into her neck all the same. "Fucking insanity."
"The best kind."
"You two are disgusting," Frank informed them in passing, and crammed another Twinkie into his mouth.
Gerard flipped him off, then looked at Rae. "You're okay, right?"
"Of course," she said immediately. "Why wouldn't I be?"
He made a face. "I just meant...I'm getting fucking married. So where's your guy?"
She almost choked on her own spit. "Um. I don't have one."
"That's what I mean." He sighed. "I just want you to have it too, you know? You fucking deserve it."
It was probably the first time he was distracted enough not to notice she was lying through her teeth, and she was damn glad. "I know. I'll find someone someday, okay? Right now I'm just happy for you."
"Okay." He lay with her until Lyn knocked on their bus door, signaling Gerard to hop off Rae's lap and leave to have sex in places Rae wasn't really sure she wanted to know about.
||
The smile was still stretching her face when Mikey called that night.
"Did he totally dance around the subject like he was scared to say it with you, too?"
She laughed. "Pretty much. Jesus, I can't believe he actually did it."
"You know Gee. He's all huge plans and grand gestures." He paused. "But he'll be happy, I hope."
"Yeah. He was lecturing me about how I needed to settle down. Well, not lecturing. Just being Gerard, pretty much."
"Yeah," Mikey said quietly.
She remembered too late. "Oh."
"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "So. I told Brian I'd be ready to do Europe. I'll be back for Mexico."
It was hard to remember not to be stupid, not to let her stomach clench. "Awesome. Just a month, then."
She was almost positive the quiet rustling noises were Mikey nodding against the phone. "I. Um. I want to see you. You know?"
It was the closest they'd come to talking about it. For a second she almost changed the subject, but she'd spent years doing that, both literally and metaphorically. However much it extended, however long-lasting or short-lived this turned out to be, she wanted it. "I think I'd miss touching you even if we hadn't, you know."
Mikey sighed into the phone. "Made out like teenagers?" he said, sounding almost laughably dreamy.
"Yeah, that." She curled up further. "God, this is weird."
"At least we brought it up, finally."
"We're so brave. Champions."
"Frank's probably going to yell at you tomorrow, by the way."
This time, the nervousness was very real. "You didn't."
"He knew something was up," Mikey said. "Gerard probably would too, if he wasn't busy being married and stuff."
"Oh god," Rae said. "He's going to threaten me and talk about your honor."
Mikey's laugh bordered on hysterical. "You should get some sleep, then. So you can defend me bravely tomorrow."
She groaned. "Please, no."
"You know it'll happen." Mikey hummed a little, then said quietly, "I'll see you soon."
It wasn't a new tone, but the meaning behind it – she knew, now. "Yeah. You too."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight," she said.
Mikey waited for her to hang up. She didn't really have it in her to tell him not to.
||
"I will fuck you up, Toro."
"I thought I was supposed to be the delicate one," she said without turning around.
"You're taller than he is."
"And he's taller than you."
She wasn't really surprised when Frank moved into her line of sight. "Rae."
"I don't know what to tell you." She spread her hands. "Do I look like the kind of person who'd fuck with him for laughs? The fact that he's looked twice at me makes me lucky."
"He's looked a lot more than that. He thinks you're hot and amazing, and that you'll realize he's not actually worth you and let him go."
Frank didn't looked pissed, or even upset. It would have been easier, she thought, if he did. "Oh. But we haven't -"
"He's Mikey." Rae knew it would be useless to try to remember the look on Frank's face right now, all fondness and best-friend-for-life devotion. Mikey wouldn't believe her even if she wouldn't feel like an idiot trying to tell him. "He thought of all that before you guys even made out."
It was going to be public knowledge – or at the very least, band knowledge. Running away, she told herself, would be overreacting to the point of insanity. "Well, you should tell him he's wrong."
"I do. It's your job to show him."
"You know I'm not a bastion of stability, right? I'm just – I'm not. I'm lucky to have this band, same as the rest of us."
Frank rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's not like you've been fucking awesome and a role model and shit. Mikey can tell you all that. The point is, if you hurt him, I'll kill you."
It sounded like a well-worn phrase. Rae shook her head and laughed. "Okay."
"Awesome." He pushed her around and hopped on her back. "We're going to get ice cream. Giddyup."
||
"It wasn't that bad, actually." Rae yawned, pulling the hotel covers over her waist. "As far as one of your best friends threatening you over one of your other best friends goes."
"Does Gerard even know yet?"
She wiggled a little. Clean sheets were kind of amazing after so long on the road. "I think so. Maybe? Anyway, we wrote a bit today. Nothing major, just built on some chords Frank gave us."
"It's never nothing major," Mikey said affectionately. "Not after, like, a day into it."
"Mmm." Her shorts were itchy and Bob had decided to stay the night with the techs; she wiggled out of her shorts, stretching her legs. "Maybe not."
"What are you doing?"
She stopped moving. "What?"
"You keep making noises. Like – seriously, this isn't phone sex and I didn't realize it, right?"
Keeping her laugh in was so impossible that she didn't even bother trying. "Definitely not. It's a hotel night."
"Oh! Sheets."
"Exactly." She rolled to the side. "We could try phone sex, though. Sometime."
"Real sex first."
Real sex. "Do you think we'll get that far?"
Mikey paused for so long Rae was half worried she'd managed to put her foot in her mouth before he answered. "I kind of...I mean, obviously we might break up."
"Might, yeah."
"But I just." He sighed, a soft crackle in her ear. "I just don't see it happening. And I'd like to try stuff. Seriously, anything you'll let me do, I've thought of and want. Insanely."
Rae couldn't answer, because she had her face in a pillow.
"Rae?" Mikey's worry made her lift her head, put the phone back against her ear. "What did I say?"
"Nothing, nothing. That's just – I didn't think. I don't know."
"I'm pretty good at it. Sex, I mean. If that helps you decide."
"What? No, no." She clutched her hair, trying to make sense of the conversation. "We're definitely having sex, are you nuts? Just, premeditation. I don't know why I didn't think about it."
"I thought about it." Mikey's tone was the same one he used to tell jokes with, the lame ones everyone inexplicably laughed at. "With my dick."
"Oh God, I'm hanging up," she said over Mikey's laughter. "Actually, I really am. It's late."
She did soon enough, though she didn't want to. The closer they got to Mexico City, the less Rae really wanted to quit talking to Mikey.
"You smile so much lately," Gerard said, a week to the day before Mikey was due to be back. "It's because of Mikey, right?"
She avoided dropping her guitar, more from practice than any actual control over her fingers. "Uh."
"They call each other and act like idiots," Bob said helpfully, wrapping his wrist up.
Rae slapped a hand over her face. "Unfair."
"Wait, Frank wasn't faking me out?" Gerard pulled his idiotically huge sunglasses down his nose. He looked more like a matronly schoolteacher than a badass rock star, but Rae didn't really have the heart to tell him. "You and my brother finally got it?"
"Got what? Never mind," she said. "Yeah, we kissed. Okay? I promise not to be Yoko Version Two."
"Yoko wasn't in the band." Gerard pushed the glasses back up and smiled. "It's awesome, seriously."
"You say that now. Just think of the articles."
"On how cute a couple you are? Yeah, those will suck."
"No, I mean the ones about -"
Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's waist. "How much you rock? Sounds awful."
"You're not going to get them to see this as anything but good," Bob said helpfully.
"I know it's good, it's just not perfect." Rae shook her head. "So there's no objections that'll wind up being fights that break the band apart?"
Gerard stared at her; Rae looked to the side, then back at him. He was still staring. "What?"
He burst out laughing.
And yeah, okay. It was pretty ridiculous. She shook her head, leaning back against Bob and laughing helplessly.
||
She could feel the beginning tugs of exhaustion as they waited for Mikey at the airport. Not temporary, crash-for-a-few-days exhaustion, but the kind that would end in holing up for a month and showering infrequently and eating half her refrigerator. Gerard had been talking about a break, which sounded more or less perfect – almost a guilty pleasure, since she was thinking about sharing at least some of it with Mikey.
"We're idiots," Frank said, pulling his hoodie tighter around him. "Jamia tells me all the time, but it just kind of occurs to me sometimes, how dumb we are."
"It's this band."
"Weirdest on the E.C. Shut up," he said when she snickered. "It's a legitimate term."
"For kids on the O.C., maybe."
"What about the O.C.?" Mikey said from behind them.
They all whirled around. Mikey hefted his duffel and blinked at them. "That's the wrong gate, you guys."
Their greeting was less exuberant this time, but Rae didn't miss the way the others hung back after hugging Mikey.
"Hey," she said, twitching her hand, not quite reaching out to him.
He was the one who took a step forward, smiling and kissing her cheek. "Hi."
"They're worse than I am," Gerard whispered too loudly. "Aren't they? I think they are."
"You were, like, damaging with Lyn," Mikey said.
"At least I kissed her!"
"He's got a point," Bob said.
Mikey frowned. "We're not on display."
"There are probably people with cameras," Rae added.
The other three just crossed their arms.
Rae sighed and tugged Mikey's hand, stepping closer. "We did say."
Mikey glanced over at them and rolled his eyes. "Fucking band," he muttered, before leaning in.
He was tense – Rae was too, actually, though Mikey being this wound up tended to make her relax just to make up for it – but it was still more or less the best hello she'd ever gotten. "Okay," she said quietly, and kissed him again.
When they moved apart, she put an arm around Mikey's waist and turned to Frank. "How many?"
Frank looked up at Bob, who held up three fingers. "Two cell phones, one digital."
"Could be worse, I guess," Mikey said.
"It's still bizarre being someone people take pictures of." Rae shook her head. "You'd get way more press if you dated Frank."
"Shut up," Mikey said, and pressed closer.
She'd never actually dated a guy who liked being shorter, but Mikey didn't seem to mind. He snuggled in the cab until Gerard started talking about how much he wanted Lyn back so she could sit in his lap, and even then Mikey kept a hold on Rae's hand until they got to the hotel.
They didn't fuck. Rae would've if Mikey had asked, and she was pretty sure Mikey was thinking the same thing, but neither of them said anything, so they wound up sleeping side-by-side and watching each other.
Playing the show was mind-blowing. She wasn't naive enough to think they were done with any and all trouble, but Mikey was back and smiling, Gerard was every inch the promise Frank had said he'd seen way back when, and Rae – well.
It wasn't Mikey. People would say it was, she knew, but it really wasn't. Mikey was happy and that mattered; Bob, Frank, and Gerard were happy too, and that mattered almost as much. And with her band and her guitar and her life, Rae was as happy as she'd ever been.
So she fucking shredded.
||
None of them had the energy to be anything but generally clingy when they finally got back to the buses. Gerard had more or less attached himself to Mikey's side, and Rae and Bob were taking turns fielding a simultaneously overtired and hyper-excited Frank.
But when Rae got up in the morning, Mikey rolled out of his bunk and followed her out to the lounge. "Sleeping on a bus apparently isn't like riding a bike," he said.
"At least it's not a van." She hesitated before putting an arm around his waist, opening the blinds. "Gerard'll kill us if we start talking without the coffee maker running."
"Also I'll fall asleep on you." Mikey leaned into her. "For the record, I thought about bunkjumping."
"You smell," she said playfully. "Thanks, but no thanks."
"I'll shower, then. Coffee?"
Rae shook her head, going over to the coffee maker and grabbing a filter. "What are you going to do when you live alone, take out a loan for an endless supply of Red Bull?"
Mikey's voice was everything that wasn't casual when he said, "It hadn't really occurred to me."
There were plenty of ways to take that. Rae chose the one that made her smile.
"Gerard's got half an album of workable lyrics already," she said, sitting down on the couch next to him.
Mikey tiled his head. "So two songs, maybe?"
She laughed. "If we're lucky. We'll get there sooner or later, though."
"Yeah, I know." Mikey's sigh was barely audible. "I'm such a little brother."
"Hmm?"
"Following him. It'll be my first album not, you know. Fucked up and lonely."
She knew she wasn't the only person who thought "fucked up and lonely" was just Mikey being Mikey, but it still stung. "I'm sorry."
Mikey blinked at her. "Why?"
"I never noticed. I thought it was just you."
"It was, I think." Mikey picked at a spare thread on the couch. "I never thought about it, but it's part of the problem, you know? I was always like that."
"But now you're not." She couldn't stop herself from grabbing his hand, squeezing it hard. "You're really not."
Mikey flattened his hand, pressing their palms together. "You've got big hands."
As far as non sequiturs went, it wasn't Rae's favorite. "Sorry?"
"It's good." He brushed his fingers over the top of her hand, and she fought not to squirm. "I like them."
"You're allowed to not like parts of me, you know."
"You're allowed to not like parts of me, too."
She frowned. "I like all your parts."
Mikey's smile was more implied than actually there. "Yeah, well, you too."
She knew he wouldn't let her argue, knew it was ridiculous, so instead she just leaned down and pulled him close.
The rest of the band wandered out eventually; no one said anything. She'd have gotten off his lap right away if anyone had even suggested they didn't like it, but Frank yawned until his jaw cracked and said "Fuckers, refill if you drink that much coffee," and Bob handed Rae a sheet of paper with song intro ideas.
Gerard just pushed Mikey into Rae's lap and snuggled into Rae's side, which meant she was both warm and surrounded by stink. "Didn't you shower before you came back?" she asked Mikey.
He looked away. "Um. A few days ago?"
"I showered yesterday!"
"Because I made you," Frank said, flicking Gerard's temple.
"Still," Gerard said.
"Still nothing. You smell, too."
"It's a good smell," he told Rae earnestly. "Concert smell."
"Uh-huh." She patted his head. "Just shower before your interview."
Gerard made a face, but leaned back down. Mikey shifted enough to let her read what Bob had written.
They all five stayed close until soundcheck. It worked more or less like it always had.
||
Nothing changed for a little while. They played two shows in Mexico and then went back to the US, awkwardly sticking together despite not actually living in the same place.
Mikey and Rae didn't dance around fucking, they just...didn't, for long enough that it seemed almost second nature, right up to the point where Rae walked in on Mikey jerking off on her couch.
He didn't stop, just looked her up and down and moaned, hand moving more quickly. She'd been expecting – well, not this, but something like it.
"Do you want some help?" she said, sitting across from him, staring.
He shook his head. "Don't think I could."
She didn't have time to ask what he meant before he was coming all over his hand.
"Oh," she said, pressing her legs together. "Well. Okay, then."
He slumped back against the couch, lazily opening an eye and peering at her. "Hey," he said. "You're -"
"I couldn't not be. Seriously, Mikey."
"Yeah, okay." He held up a hand, crooking a finger. "C'mere."
She wasn't very surprised when he tugged her pants down and directed her to straddle his lap. It made the shock almost worse when he said, "You know, I've wanted to fuck you for so long that at this point putting it off is practically habit."
"Thanks? I think?" She tugged the bottom of her shirt. "I didn't let myself think about it."
He didn't look sad, exactly, just a strange kind of surprised. "Why not?"
She shrugged. "It's you."
His fingers skating down her shirt alone were enough to make her shiver. When he moved them down to her cunt, touching so lightly she could barely feel him, it was all she could do not to start begging. "It's you. "
"We keep doing that." She leaned forward, pressing herself against his hand. "I want you. That's the important part."
"Yeah." He moved his free hand up to her hair, pulling her close as he brushed his fingers over her clit. It felt different – not careful, but not rough, either. He was exploring as much as anything else, learning. The implications made her shiver.
"I want so much from you," he said, rubbing a single finger over her, slipping it in slowly. "You'll bruise me, right? Fuck me behind a venue?"
"At the same time?" She gasped, gulping for air. "I didn't think it'd be like that."
"What? You're taller than I am."
And she knew, she knew he wanted her, but the blush still took over her face. "Bruises?"
Mikey nodded, moving a second finger in to fuck her shallowly, keeping his thumb against her clit. "You can picture it, can't you? Using my cock, pushing me down and just...keeping me."
Even she couldn't miss that kind of cue. "Keeping you? Like this?" She spread her legs and sank down on his fingers, keeping her eyes on his face. "You want to know just how much I'm never planning on letting you go?"
"Yes." He crooked his fingers. "Please."
For a second she wished she already had the familiarity a few months would bring. She moved her hands down to his arms, curling her fingers around his biceps and squeezing. "Like this?"
He nodded too quickly. "Just keep holding."
It felt brave to tighten her fingers still more. "Keep touching me."
He tilted his head and they met halfway, lips bumping together clumsily. Rae could barely think; he was moving his fingers slowly but in enough of the right places that she was already getting closer to the point where they'd both need her clinging to him. "Good," she whispered. "So good."
"Can I fuck you?" He pressed his forehead against hers. It hurt, and she held on tighter, ground down on his fingers. "I'm clean and everything, and I have condoms."
"You of all people should know I'm on the pill," she said. "Put your thumb – wait."
Even the hand playing with her cunt stilled. "What?"
"Right now?" She rocked her hips, feeling him slowly getting harder.
He was as red as she'd ever seen him. "It's not, um. I don't usually. And it'll take me awhile. But...yes."
She stared at him for a second before peeling her shirt off and unhooking her bra. She didn't try to make it a show, but he watched anyway, and it felt fucking good, even knowing that what he was seeing was familiar. "I have to get off," she said, frowning when he started laughing. "Not like that. You need to be naked too."
"The other thing would be good too, though," he said, and curled his fingers.
"Oh God. Wait, no, stop." She moved off him, tugging at his shirt. "Like this."
He lifted his arms obediently. She probably shouldn't have thought it was cute, but she did anyway, doubly so when he held out his legs so she could pull his pants all the way off.
"Better," she said, and impulsively dropped to her knees.
Mikey's eyes widened almost comically. "Rae?"
"Hang on," she said, and pushed his thighs apart. Bruises, she thought, and ran her fingers over the sticky mess he'd made, pressing two down hard.
"Oh," he said breathily, and his cock jerked. "Oh. Okay."
"I don't know what I'm doing," she said matter-of-factly, brushing her fingers over his cock and using her other hand to dig into his thigh. "It's not very sexy. Objectively."
"Good thing the blinds aren't open, then. I'm the only person who can see you, and I'm sure as fuck not objective." Mikey was clenching his thighs, pressing against her. "God. I don't even know how, you just...ride me. Please."
"Hang on," she said. She moved her hand, jerking him off almost casually; her attention was focused on the way her fingerprints looked, red and already bruising. She kissed them, brushing her tongue over them impulsively.
"Holy shit," Mikey said. His hips bucked hard.
She could hold him down, she realized. She only had an inch on him, but he wouldn't even be fighting it. "Calm down," she said, and pressed a hand down on his stomach.
He was shaking under her, but he moved back down against the bed. "Keep going. Please?"
She shook her head. "Not like this. I want to try something." She moved up, spreading her legs and hovering above him. It took almost more courage than she thought she had to say, "You've heard me get off."
He stared up at her, eyes wide. "I. Yeah."
"Did you watch?"
"Thought about it." Mikey moved just a little; she pulled herself up. "But I never did."
"Good," she said, and slid a hand down her stomach, rubbing her clit.
She couldn't keep it up for long; it was an awkward angle and she was fighting with her self-control for every second. When he broke, gasping and whispering "Please, please, please," she finally let herself move down on him, holding onto his wrists as tightly as she could.
The slow burn of before was gone; she could barely think with him in her, mind moving between how he felt and how he sounded. She barely noticed when he moved their hands up to her breasts, moaning when he played with her nipples, fucking herself on him as hard as she could manage.
It was easier than she'd thought to give up and come around him, slumping down even as he kissed her and held her still, coming when she moved her fingers back to the already-forming bruises on his arms.
"You know," he said finally, "we only have a month till buses again."
"Shush," she said lazily. He laughed, the funny little bubbly noise she already knew she'd never get tired of.
||
Gerard was the one she talked to for concept, but Bob was better with technical details, which was how the first day back on tour, she managed to wind up holed up in the travel studio with him.
"So you and Mikey are, what?"
She shrugged. "I think I'm his girlfriend. Pass me the mic?"
Bob did, even being nice enough to ignore her when she muttered girlfriend again, unable to keep from smiling.
||
The funniest part was that for all the grief almost every event in the band gave them, this was really kind of easy. She and Mikey held hands and pecked each other on the lips, and she taped a picture of them snuggling up in her possessions box. Mikey had one up in his bunk; no one even bothered with teasing.
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