know if it was me she was talking about. The journals were dated all the way back to grade school. My eyebrows pushed up. She had filled all of these binders. All of Erin Alderman’s private thoughts were right there for me to know and learn if I wanted. There was a single plastic-covered diary with a silver, broken lock that read MY FIRST DIARY. I closed the lid and stood up, turning out the light. Alder’s privacy had |
already been violated, and Sam and Julianne’s trust. Guilt pushed me out of her room, back down the hall, and into my bedroom, all the way under my covers. After twenty minutes of not being able to settle my thoughts, I looked up at the ceiling fan. Was Alder talking about me? What had I done? Did she mean that Weston was looking at me? Surely not. He’d said once that he’d always liked me, but it didn’t occur to me that he actually did. The questions were there, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted the answers. There were so many within those pages. I might even find out why the Erins had stopped talking to me. I turned over on my side, holding the |
remote in my hand, wondering if Julianne knew about the journals. They weren’t particularly hidden. Maybe Julianne respected Alder’s privacy enough that Alder didn’t feel like she needed to hide them. I closed my eyes, wondering if I was the one Weston was looking at. I had to know. The next time I was alone in the house, I would keep reading until I found out why—why Alder hated me. Why she acted the way she did. And why she hated Blackwell so much when she had it all. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe she didn’t want it. It was none of my business. I shouldn’t read those journals. But my should and want were so polarized, I knew curiosity would win in |
were something I’d wanted for so long. |
It wasn’t until I hit the bottom step that the fatigue hit. Sleep hadn’t come easy the night before, and even after I drifted to sleep, I couldn’t stay asleep. Sam breezed past me toward the kitchen, patting my shoulder. “Morning, kiddo. Watch that gas gauge. Oh!” he said, turning on his heels and digging into the front pocket of his slacks, pulling out his wallet. “Use this when you get gas. And if you need anything else. Well…within reason.” I gently pushed it back. “I have |
money.” He held the small silver card out again, insistent. “Your paycheck is spending money. We’ll get the rest. Just take it, sweetheart, I’m late.” After a small pause, I took the card and tried to stick it in the back pocket of my jeans, but they were the new ones Julianne had bought, and the pockets were flapped and buttoned shut. I couldn’t figure out which was the button with all the bling covering the fabric, so I shoved it into my front pocket. It would go into my backpack later. Having it at all made me nervous. “Thank you,” I said. Sam winked and rushed to the back door that led to the garage. “Gotta go, |
honey!” “Have a good day!” Julianne called. I joined her in the kitchen. “I’m heading out.” “No breakfast?” she asked, trying not to let the disappointment show. A beautiful omelet was folded perfectly on a white floral plate. A fork on a cloth napkin and a half glass of orange juice sat nearby. “You’re so…Everything is always so perfect. This whole house could be photographed for a magazine.” Julianne beamed. “Thank you. It’s to pass the time, really. I get restless,” she said, putting her palms on the edge of the counter. She looked around. “And a little bored, if you want to know the truth.” |
“Have you thought more about going back to work?” She nodded. “Sam and I discussed it. We think it would be best if I stayed home a little longer. Especially over the summer when you’re home more.” “I work a lot in the summer,” I said with chagrin. “About that,” she said, biting her bottom lip. “How would you feel about cutting your hours? That would give you more time at home…and with Weston. And more time to enjoy your senior year and your summer before college. No pressure. Just a thought.” “I work so much to save up for college.” “Erin, sweetie, we’re paying for your |
college. Whatever you’ve saved up is yours to spend however you wish.” “Um…that’s so generous. But you and Sam have already done so much. You’ve given me a place to stay and that amazing car outside. I couldn’t accept anything else from you. And I have a scholarship.” She smiled. “I’m so proud of you.” Her words took me aback. I couldn’t remember anyone saying that to me before. “You’ve worked so hard, and you’re such a good person despite your circumstances.” She teared up, but quickly wiped her eyes. “Your money is yours. Whatever your scholarship doesn’t cover, we’ve got handled. I |
know it probably seems like we’ve done a lot, but that’s just because it’s all at once. If you’d been here the whole time, it would have been a more gradual process. If it’s overwhelming, I apologize.” I shook my head. “You don’t have to apologize, Julianne. For anything. All you’ve done is been wonderful. Both of you.” Julianne’s expression turned soft, and she reached across the island to clasp my hand in hers. “You’re our daughter,” she said softly. “Let us take care of you. Let us make things a little easier than they’ve been for you. It helps us too.” My mouth pulled to the side. “Maybe |
I can talk to Patty about hiring someone for weekends and cutting down my hours for the summer.” Julianne beamed, patting my hand before returning to the stove. “I’m excited. We can go to the city or something and eat dinner, or shopping, or to the museum.” Her enthusiasm was infectious. “Sounds like fun.” I sat down and took four or five quick bites of the omelet, drank the juice, wiped my mouth, and picked up my backpack. “See you tonight,” I said. “Okay, sweetie,” she said, taking my plate. I walked down the hallway, toward the back door this time. Sam had left the |
single-car garage door open, knowing I would be leaving soon. I shook my head. The thought of having a car—much less a BMW—to drive to school was unbelievable, but there it was, shiny, gorgeous, and waiting for me to sit inside. I backed out slowly and carefully made my way to Weston’s house around the corner. I parked in the street, but when I got out, I realized I had parked too far from the curb. I started to get back in to amend my poor parking. Weston jogged out with his backpack in his hand, smiling. “Don’t worry about it, babe.” He was looking particularly appealing in a pair of nice jeans held up |
with a thick, brown leather belt. His light-turquoise polo shirt made him look even more tanned, and his wrists were cuffed with a watch on his left hand, a couple of braided leather bracelets on his right. He had the lean, toned body of a baseball player, and his hair was messed strategically with the slightest bit of gel. His eyes still looked a little sleepy, but the bright green globes gleamed brightly as they always did. I didn’t know if I would ever get over someone who looked like him calling me babe. I’d always thought those sickeningly sweet nicknames were ridiculous, but when Weston said it to me, warmth spread from my cheeks to my toes, and I only wanted him to do it |
again. Something about the way he said it so casually made me feel like there would be no end to our beginning. No worry about us in sight. Peter and Veronica came outside, both with surprised but happy expressions. “That’s quite a car you’ve got there!” Peter said. I shrugged and shook my head. “I know. They are too good to me.” “Nonsense,” Veronica said. She put her arm around me and squeezed. “You need a car, silly girl.” Weston opened the passenger door. “All right, you’ve seen the car. We have to get to school.” His parents waved to us as I |
nervously pulled away. Weston chatted about baseball practice and our test in health, not seeming the least bit worried about my driving skills. I had driven his truck a few times, but this felt very different. I pulled into the parking lot, and the students walking to class stopped and stared. Blackwell was such a tiny school, everyone knew who drove what. “They’re staring,” I said with dread. “They’re going to.” “They’re going to say I’m taking advantage of Sam and Julianne.” “I’ll set them straight.” I parked and pressed the button to turn off the ignition. Shannon LaBlue from art class didn’t hesitate to walk up |
to me. “Is that yours?” she asked, her voice pitched higher than usual. I looked to Weston and then spoke. “Yes.” “Her parents just bought it for her,” Weston said. “Cool, huh?” That answer didn’t occur to me, but I loved the way it sounded: my parents. Sam and Julianne were mine. “A BMW, Easter? That’s incredible!” I nodded, unable to say thanks. For whatever reason, saying thank you felt awkward. More people came over to get a closer look. I pressed the lock button on my remote, and then Weston led me into the building by the hand. |
By the time I’d reached bio, the entire school had already heard about the car. Sara and a few of the other kids in class asked me about it the moment I sat down. Brady eyed me but didn’t say anything. When I got to Mr. Barrows’s class, I stopped in the doorway to see that instead of Mr. Barrows, Julianne was standing behind his desk, shuffling papers around, looking nervous. When our eyes met, her face twisted to an apologetic half smile, half frown. “It was last-minute. I’m sorry if this embarrasses you.” Other students shouldered past me to their seats. I walked over to her and hugged her. She paused for a moment, shocked at my unusual display of |
affection. “Thank you again for the car,” I whispered. “Everyone thinks it’s amazing.” Julianne hugged me back. “I tried to get out of subbing,” she said softly into my ear. I pulled away. “It’s kind of cool to see you in the middle of the day,” I said with a smile, and then continued to my desk. When I sat, Julianne’s expression was undeterminable. She was lost in thought, but then a grin touched her lips, and she continued greeting the students still straggling into class. |
REGRETS IN TOW, I pulled into the old |
pizza place next to Weston’s Chevy. He was standing there with his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face. The sun was high in the sky, casting a shallow shadow along the stretch of concrete where the other students were standing with paintbrushes in hand. Mrs. Cup glanced over her shoulder, noting my arrival with a small nod. “What took you so long?” Weston asked. “You should have been right behind me.” |
“I got caught at a red light. And I drive slowly.” “A snail could have beat you here.” “I’m not ashamed,” I said, walking toward the brick wall. I dipped my paintbrush in a small tub of green paint and began filling in places where the old paint was chipped. Weston did the same with a different color. “What are you doing after work?” he asked. “I…think I need to have a talk with Julianne.” “Oh? That sounds a little serious.” “It is. I hope not. Maybe.” “What about?” “Something I did.” |
He hesitated, making a few strokes with his paintbrush. “Do I want to know?” “Probably not.” “Tell me anyway.” “I…It’s bad.” “Did you wreck the car?” “No.” “Did you steal from her?” I craned my neck at him. “What?” He turned and shrugged, seeming shocked at himself. “I don’t know why I said that. My mind is racing, wondering what serious thing you need to talk to her about. I don’t think you’d steal from her. Or anyone.” I nodded, satisfied, but the smug expression faded. “It’s almost as bad.” |
“Jesus, Erin, just tell me.” “I…went into Alder’s room.” His eyebrows shot up. I looked at the cement under my shoes and puffed out a breath of air. “I saw her prom dress. It’s beautiful.” He nodded. “White. She told me about it.” “She has dozens of journals in a tub in the back of her closet.” “You read them?” he asked, suddenly worried. I nodded, my cheeks catching fire. He began painting again, but didn’t respond. I waited, and when the silence threatened my sanity, I turned to him. |
“Say it.” “Say what?” “That it’s wrong.” “What did they say?” he asked. “When was the last entry?” He kept his eyes on the wall, but his questions were tinged with concern. “I didn’t read much. Just a couple of entries. I feel bad enough reading them. I’d feel worse if I told you what she wrote.” “Anything about me?” “Maybe. I don’t know. They were vague.” “I don’t have to tell you that it’s wrong, Erin. It’s all over your face. Just…don’t. Don’t read them.” He was right. Arguing was useless. |
But from my peripheral, I saw him fidgeting, and that made me curious. “She has some really old ones. Maybe she wrote about why she and Sonny stop talking to me.” “They stopped talking to you because they were bitches,” he snapped. “Even in grade school.” “Did Alder ever talk to you about it?” He dropped his brush. He tried to jump back, but green paint splattered his jeans and shoes. “Dammit!” he growled, holding his hands up. “Get a wet rag,” Mrs. Cup said, rushing over. She tried to help, but the paint was only smearing. |
“Can I go home and try to get this out?” Mrs. Cup looked at her watch. “We only have twenty more minutes. Go ahead. Don’t speed.” Weston nodded and then hugged me and touched his lips to my cheek, letting his mouth linger against my skin for a bit. “Don’t read anymore, Erin. She’s gone. None of it matters anymore.” He walked quickly to his truck and started the engine. He pulled into the street, but after a few seconds, I could hear his engine rev. A frustrated groan emanated from Mrs. Cup’s throat. “Boys.” After another productive day at the |
mural, Mrs. Cup let us leave five minutes early. I drove straight to the Dairy Queen, parking next to Frankie’s Taurus. The door on the BMW had barely swept shut when I heard Frankie’s screeching. “What in the fricking frack is that?” she asked, pointing to my car. I walked toward her with a sheepish smile. “My car.” “Your car? Your car? Sam and Julianne bought you a BMW? Don’t answer that. The answer is obvious, but mother bear, Erin!” she said, following me into the back entrance. I slipped my apron over my head and tied the back. “I know. Believe me, I |
know. So…can I talk to you a minute?” All excitement left Frankie’s face, and she eyed me for a moment. “Yeah?” “Julianne wants me to…She’s asked me to ask Patty to, uh…work less hours.” Frankie watched me for a moment. “Are you quitting?” “No,” I said emphatically and drawn out. “She said something about me enjoying my senior year and summer. She wants me to ask Patty for weekends off and to cut back my summer hours.” “You’re okay with this?” I shrugged. “I mean,” she said, shrugging too, “of course you are. What teenager wouldn’t want more free time? Yeah. I mean, I’ll |
let Patty know you want to talk to her, but I get it.” “You look mad.” She waved me away. “Hell no. Not at all.” “I know Patty might have to hire someone new. I’ll stay until they get trained.” “I’ll do it. It’s no biggie.” “You’re being weird.” “Am not.” A little girl with chocolate already all over her face came to the window. When Frankie didn’t acknowledge her, she knocked on it. Frankie glanced at her and put her hand on the glass to block the sight of her. “Beat it, Milky Way, we’re talking.” |
“Frankie!” I said, frowning. I opened my window and took her order. Her mother was waiting in a minivan, eyeing my car. After handing her the two chocolate dip cones and an M&M Blizzard, I shut the window and crossed my arms. “You’re mad.” Frankie was busying herself with cleaning already spotless countertops. “I’m not mad. I’m disappointed. Not in you. It’s always been you and me, you know? We’ve always kind of been in the same boat. Stuck here.” “I like working at the Dairy Queen.” “I bet you don’t say that when you’re my age.” “Patty likes it.” |
“Patty owns it.” “Oh wow.” “What?” “Patty just pulled up.” Frankie’s smirk prompted me to toss an empty cup at her. Her mouth fell open, and the site of Frankie made Patty’s initial cheerful grin disappear. “Afternoon, ladies. Everything okay?” Frankie bent down to pick up the cup. “Princess Alderman has a request.” This time my mouth fell open. Patty didn’t move her head. Instead, her eyes kept shifting back and forth between us. “Seems like it’s a good day for me to stop by. I was just going to let you know that my niece will be helping |
out this summer.” She turned to me. “I saw Julianne the other day, and she mentioned hoping you’d spend a little more time at home. Did she talk to you about it?” I nodded. Patty winked. “We’ve got you covered, sunshine.” She jerked her head to the side. “Beat it.” My head moved forward, and my eyes bulged. “What? Now?” “Yep! I have your shift today.” “Oh no, Patty. Thank you, but I would give you more notice than that.” She giggled. “No problem, as long as you’re okay with it. I’d already discussed it with Julianne, and we’re prepared. And she’s right. You’ve |
worked your little tail off. Now go be a kid while you still have a little time left.” I looked to Frankie, who looked lost. “She’s right,” she said. “Go, kiddo. I’ll text your new hours after Patty and I talk.” The urge to move didn’t come. I just stood there, dumbfounded. Patty’s expression turned apologetic. “You don’t have to leave. I’m not kicking you out. Julianne only suggested it, and I assumed since Frankie said you had something to talk to me about, that was it. Was it?” I nodded. She grinned. “Okay then. What are you waiting for? Go get a pop at Sonic, |
or take Weston a dip cone. They’re still practicing, aren’t they?” “Just a little longer. They have their last game the week after next.” Patty looked to Frankie. “Make sure we take her off the schedule for that day. Weekends off too.” Frankie agreed. “I didn’t know,” I said to Frankie. “I know,” she said. “It wasn’t fair for me to get all Medusa on you. I told you before that you should ease back on your hours. I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think you actually would. I’m just going to miss you.” Patty held out her hand. “I need your apron, Erin. Have a good rest of the day!” |
I untied the black strings at the small of my back and pulled the strap over my head, handing my apron to Patty. “You’re still going to keep me on the schedule, right? I’m not fired?” “Of course not, silly!” she said, playfully swatting me on the backside with the apron. A car pulled into the parking lot, and Patty turned her back to me, opening the window and greeting the family walking toward her. Frankie smiled at me. “I’ll see you next week. I’m okay,” she said with a forced smile. “I’m sorry. That was stupid.” “Okay. See you in a few days.” For some reason, I took a detour |
home to pass by Gina’s house. It looked the same. The windows were still dirty, the screen door was still hanging off- kilter, the porch still needed paint, the backyard fence was still broken. I wondered if she’d left my room the way it was, or if she’d sold everything. Nothing ever seemed to change there. I wondered if she cared enough about me that she didn’t want to look at my things, or if she was so relieved to get rid of me that she wanted to be rid of any reminder of me too. The garage door slowly closed behind the BMW, and I pressed the ignition button to turn off the engine. Silence. Absolute silence. Just me, the garage, and the new car smell. |
Julianne opened the back door with a big grin. “You’re home early! Did you talk with Patty?” I grabbed my backpack and shut the driver’s side door behind me, nodding as I passed her, heading straight for my usual stool at the kitchen island. She followed me and leaned against the stove with her arms crossed. “What’s up, buttercup?” she asked. “Patty wasn’t upset, was she?” I shook my head. “She said you already talked to her about it.” Julianne cringed. “Oh gosh, Erin, I hope that’s okay. I didn’t mean that she had to cut your hours. I just told her I was hoping you would want to, and that I was going to talk to you about it.” |
“It’s okay. I was going to…She just beat me to it.” “Oh. So…you’re not upset with me?” “No. But I need to tell you something. I think you’re going to be upset with me.” “Oh?” she said, suddenly worried. “I was going to wait until Sam got home, so I could tell you both.” “He has a late case.” “Then I’ll tell you, and maybe you can tell him?” She nodded and took a few steps until she could lay her palms flat on the granite of the island. “I, um…I went into Alder’s room. I was curious, not that it’s an excuse. But I saw her tub full of journals.” |
Julianne didn’t react. She just listened. “I read one. Not all of it. But I read a few entries.” Julianne dipped her head, and after several seconds, she wiped her eye with her wrist. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I won’t go into her room again. The worst part is that I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway.” Julianne looked up at me with wet eyes. “You’re not the only one.” “Pardon?” “I’ve always known that she kept journals. I’ve been reading them too, since she died. Curiosity is an awful trap, isn’t it?” she said, sheepish. “But, |
Erin…You shouldn’t read any more. You won’t like it.” “You sound like Weston,” I said, looking away. “What do you mean?” “He said the same thing. That I shouldn’t read any more. He acted really weird about it.” “Really? What else did he say?” “Nothing else.” She fidgeted. “He came by today.” “He what?” “He told me you were reading Alder’s journals, and he told me to tell you to stop.” Weston had left art to tattle on me? There had to be a reason he didn’t want me to read the journals. He wouldn’t just |
try to get me into trouble with Julianne. Something was in there that would hurt me, and he knew about it. “Why would he do that?” She looked down, troubled. “Alder is different than we thought, Erin. Some of the things she wrote are…upsetting. She knew things. Things Sam and I had no idea about. And…” She shook her head. “I haven’t read all of them. It was too hard. I haven’t told Sam. I’m not sure how he would react.” “I’ll keep it between us.” “Thank you,” she said, relieved. “Julianne? Is there anything in there about me? I mean that I should know.” She hesitated. “Yes.” “Can I read them?” |
“I don’t know how to answer that, honey.” “I think…I think I have to.” |
AGAINST THE BLEACHERS AS I climbed |
to the top. The baseball team was running laps, their T-shirts soaked in sweat, their faces red. I hadn’t been seated for more than five minutes when Coach Langdon called practice, and they ran to the dugout. After a short meeting, they began filing out to the parking lot, including Weston. After a few moments, he ran back in, looking up to where I sat. He jogged up the bleachers, taking two at a time until he reached me. His arms |
wrapped around me, and he pressed his lips against me. His skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, but he could have been covered in toxic waste, and I still wouldn’t have complained. “I was just getting ready to drive across the street, and I saw your car in the parking lot. What are you doing here?” I shrugged. “Just thought I’d come watch you practice since you don’t have many left.” He looked out on to the field. “I can’t believe it’s my last year. I’m going to miss it. For the most part. Prom. Graduation. Then it’s all over.” “Have you talked to your dad about Dallas?” |
He shook his head. “He’s too excited about Duke, Erin. Every time I think about bringing it up, it doesn’t seem like the right time.” “There isn’t a right time for something like that, and you’re going to wait until you run out of time.” “Maybe he’s right. Maybe Duke will be good for me.” “So you want to be a lawyer?” His face twisted into disgust. “No.” “Weston,” I said, turning his dirty, sweaty face toward me. “You have to tell them. You only have one life. One shot. Don’t waste it on someone else’s dream.” His eyes danced back and forth to each of mine. “God, you’re beautiful.” |
I looked down, embarrassed. “Do you have a date for prom yet?” I shot him a look. “You know I don’t.” “Will you go with me?” I shook my head. “We talked about this already.” “That was when you didn’t have Julianne Alderman for a mother. She’ll help you find a dress.” “I can’t ask her to buy me a dress.” “You don’t have to. Just tell her I asked you to prom.” “I don’t dance,” I said, squirming. He held my necklace between his thumb and index finger. He leaned down and kissed it and then moved up to my neck. |
I sighed, moving my chin to the side, stretching my neck just a tiny bit to give him better access. He pulled away and frowned. “What?” I asked, surprised at his reaction. “You don’t smell like ice cream.” I chuckled. “I was barely at work today. Patty took over my shift, and my hours have been cut to give me more free time. Julianne’s request.” One side of Weston’s mouth turned up, and then his mouth stretched into a full-blown grin. “Thank you, Julianne.” He looked down at my lips and then moved toward me, kissing me softly at first. His mouth opened, and I welcomed his tongue with |
mine. “Please go to prom with me,” he whispered against my mouth. “I don’t want to go by myself. I don’t want to go with anyone but you, and it’s my senior year. I don’t want to miss it. Even if we only stay long enough to pose for a stupid picture.” “I understand your dilemma, but I really don’t want to go.” “Well,” he said, his lips moving to my ear, “sometimes we have to do things we don’t like to do. It’s a good life lesson.” “You’re right. If you break the news to your dad about Duke, then I’ll go to prom with you.” He sat up, shocked at my proposal. |
“That’s not fair, Erin.” “You just said—” “I know what I said. But prom and pissing off my dad are not exactly the same thing.” “It’s close.” His eyes narrowed. “You’ll go to prom if I tell him I want to go to Dallas? What if he says no?” “That’s between your dad and you. But if you tell him, I’ll go.” “Deal.” “Really?” I said, suddenly feeling sick. “You better start looking for a dress now.” I swallowed. We stood, and Weston intertwined |
down the steps and out to my car. “Why don’t you follow me home? My parents won’t be home for a couple of hours.” “Remember what Sam said?” He nodded. “He said to keep my hands off someone else’s wife. But you’re not going to be someone else’s wife.” “Slow down, speed racer.” “You know what I mean,” he said, opening my door. “I’ll see you in a minute,” I said, ducking into the BMW. |
I lay there, resting against Weston’s bare chest, wrapped in his arms. The ceiling fan was whirling above us, the picture he’d drawn of me just overhead. “I love that you wear this every day,” he said, touching my necklace. “I love that you gave it to me.” “I love you.” I sat still, wondering if what he’d just said was really what he’d just said. He’d alluded to being in love with me before but never actually said it. Not so direct. Not out loud. “Erin?” “I’m glad.” “You’re glad,” he said flatly. I closed my eyes, knowing I’d upset him. “I want to say it. It just feels |
weird.” “Would you mean it?” “I think so.” “You think so.” “Stop doing that,” I said, sitting up and pulling my arms through my bra straps, and then my shirt over my head. He sighed, clearly regretting the turn of the conversation. “It’s scary, Weston. Even if you go to Dallas, you’ll be five hours away. We’ll live separate lives. No one stays together when they go to different colleges.” “You don’t know that.” He frowned. “Why do you have to be so negative? We’re going to see each other as much as we can. We’ll talk on the phone every |
night. We’ll stay together, and then you’ll come visit me and fall in love with Dallas, and you’ll move there after you graduate.” “Is that so?” He sat up against the headboard. “Yes.” “I’m not being negative. I’m being realistic. I don’t want either of us to get hurt.” “If we don’t stay together, it’ll hurt. It’ll tear me up. I don’t want anyone else.” “Weston, you’re eighteen. You don’t know what you want.” He stood up and slipped on his jeans. “You definitely don’t know what I want.” |
I finished dressing and tied my shoes. “It’s just common sense. We live in a fishbowl here, but there are thousands of young, beautiful women in Dallas.” “There’s only one you.” We were standing on opposite sides of his bed, staring at each other. He shifted his weight, nervous. “Are you…are you saying this because you plan on meeting someone new in Stillwater?” “No!” “Sounds to me like you’re keeping your options open.” “God, Weston, that’s not it at all.” His breathing faltered, and he looked around on his floor, then saw his inhaler on his nightstand and grabbed it. He shook it, then took a puff. |
“Why are you getting so upset? Why do we even have to talk about this now?” “I’d kind of like to know if the girl I love sees me as temporary.” “Blackwell is temporary.” “I’m not even staying here!” “I know! I’m just not making any promises I can’t keep.” “Well, that’s just great. Thanks, babe.” My shoulders fell. He was fighting dirty. “I have to go home.” I walked around his bed to his door, but he stood in my way. He took a deep breath, touched my arms, and pressed his forehead against mine. “Homework?” |
“Sort of.” “What does that mean?” “I want to read Alder’s earlier journals. I want to know why they quit talking to me.” He stiffened. “I thought you weren’t going to read them anymore.” “I changed my mind. Julianne kind of doesn’t care.” “What?” he yelled. I leaned away from him, stunned by his explosive response. “They’re none of your damn business, Erin. It’s wrong, and you know it!” I blinked and then gritted my teeth. “Move.” “Fine.” He stepped to the side, and I stormed out, passing Veronica on my |
way. “Erin?” she said. “Sorry, I have to go.” When I got to my car, Weston caught up to me, breathing hard. “Don’t read them, Erin. Just don’t do it.” “Why not? What are you afraid I’ll find?” His jaws worked under his skin, and he swallowed. After a few seconds without an answer, I got in my car and drove home. I parked and ran up the stairs, straight to Alder’s room. “Erin?” Julianne called after me. I shut the door and leaned against it, out of breath. Alder’s closet door was shut, and I glared at it, knowing now that |
whether it was right or wrong, I had to read them. I had to know what was so terrible that Weston didn’t want me to continue. I marched over and swung open the door, dragged the tub out of the closet and into the middle of her room. I pulled all of them out, one by one, until I got to the plastic diary, skimming over the descriptions of dreams and boys she liked. Once I finished reading that diary, I moved on to the binders. I wanted to skip over to her journal from our fifth- grade year. That was when they’d stopped talking to me, but I forced myself to read one at a time. Fatigue began to set in when I opened the yellow, plastic, covered binder titled |
5TH GRADE. Any mention of me was like |
before. We were still friends. She still liked me. On a few occasions, she talked about asking her parents if Sonny and I could join them on their family vacation, and Sam and Julianne were considering it. I flipped the page to the entry I’d been searching for. |
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I closed the binder, not wanting to
the end, especially since those answers
DRIVING TO THE MURAL WITH SEVERAL
MY BLACK CONVERSE KNOCKED
his fingers in mine, walking with me