Something was struggling to come out of his chest and was making his arms and hands shake.
He held on hard to the top of the open door, fighting to control himself. A volume of packed air erupted from his mouth in a cry. He bent over the bonnet of the car to steady himself and found that other wild exhalations were struggling to follow the first. Soon he was sobbing like a child.
While he knelt on the ground and held his face in his hands he had the curious feeling of standing simultaneously outside himself. In a detached way he could picture the strange figure he made, weeping for no apparent reason in his uniform. His vision was detached, but it was not dispassionate, because he felt a dreadful pity for this second person.
The reflexes of his body had shown him what his mind had refused to admit.
He had not been able to absorb as well as he had thought the things the last two years had shown him. He was still young, and he had seen in that short time things that normally only old men knew.
And then there had come this woman.
When he thought of Charlotte, Gregory felt a terrible exhilaration.
Out of all the death had come this redeeming chance. When he thought of the passion she had so transparently conceived for him, he felt singled out by an extraordinary fortune. The chance that of all the women in the world, the one he loved (and with relief he admitted that this was what he felt) the thought that she should actually reciprocate his feeling seemed a possibility of incalculably long odds. His incredulous joy at his good luck was almost as exhilarating as the emotion itself.
He slumped down in the seat of the car. The most terrible aspect of it was the timing. It was only when it was too late to tell her that he had finally understood. In a few days he would be gone, and he might never come back.
Charlotte wrote to Gregory from Scotland. She pictured him taking the letter to his billet and lying down on his hard bed to read it. It pleased her to think of his fingers where hers had been; she imagined the cigarette smoke that would curl from his hand and billow from his lips, sardonically smiling at her letter.
My Darling Peter, I expect this is against all the rules and I will be shot as a spy if anyone knows I've written, so don't leave this letter lying around.
How are you? I do miss you. I think about you in your horrid cold plane and your poor feet freezing. I miss you.
I arrived at the end of a course at Inverie Bay. The others have been shown how to use Bren guns and Sten guns and how to creep up on the enemy at night and kill silently with their bare hands. I look at those hands with their manicured nails holding cocktails in the evening and have to suppress a giggle. I wonder if the Germans know what's coming. I seem to have missed all the violent stuff, for which I'm grateful. I have been taught by a man with whisky breath how to transmit by morse; some of this I remembered from the Girl Guides. Don't laugh. Yesterday an old trawler man took us out in a rowing boat. The idea is that we should be able to pick up parachutes or stores that have landed in the water. You know how careless those wretched R.A.F boys are with their drops... Anyway, this old chap was very nattering and told me I had a natural feeling for a boat, "which was surprising. It was extremely hard work, as the wind was whipping across the bay and the waves were smacking into the side of the boat. My poor arms.
Every night we have to put on our uniforms for dinner. They're not nearly as flattering as Daisy believed: they are rather scratchy and my skirt is too tight round the middle no rude remarks, please. The food is variable, often quite good fresh herring and mackerel, homemade bread, but a bit heavy and too reminiscent of' home for my liking. The others on the course are mostly English girls from the Home Counties. There is a girl called Marigold with whom I have become quite friendly. She is very good at the cross-country runs and the obstacle courses. It is perfectly clear to me, and I imagine to the instructors, that I am no good at all at these things. However, since I've started the course I have to finish it. They will then decide what job, if any, to offer me.
Driving the Brigadier's car, I imagine, will be just about all they will think me up to. This is a pity, because I do very much want to go to France and do something worthwhile.
Next week we are going to Manchester, where we will be trained in parachute jumping. Even I can manage to fall out of a plane, I should think. Before that, however, there are two important dates: first, the 3685 hour cross-country trek, which is famous for being very, very tough indeed "Believe me, lassie, ye'll be lucky if ye can get yer wee shoes on fer a week afterwards' - a good deal of that rather gloating talk from the whisky-breathing wireless instructor), and the day after that: tea with mother. I tried to explain that I had no free time, everything very hushhush and so on, but she had insisted we meet in Fort William, and is making a special journey from Edinburgh to come and see me. We do in fact have two days off before Manchester, so I can't very well say no.
Some of the girls have apparently been given instruction in how to resist interrogation. For some reason this involved two of them being told to take their clothes off while they were questioned by two "Gestapo' officers. So that there was no question of impropriety the large woman who runs the dormitories was present as a sort of chaperone.
Marigold said she thought this woman's interest was rather more unhealthy than that of the men!
I will be back in London at the beginning of the week after Manchester where I will wait to hear my fate. Will you be able to come up to town?
Probably you will have done your trip to France by then, "Charlotte' permitting. I do hope you can come up and we can start to have our evening routine again. I miss your sad old face and the horrid things you say and do when there are just the two of us. You can't write to me here, but you could write a letter to the flat in London to wait for my return.
Do you love me just a little bit?
I send you my biggest, biggest kisses. Charlotte.
One of the reasons Charlotte had wanted to come on the course was somehow to shock Gregory into an increase of feeling: perhaps if he felt she were demonstrating her independence of him he might recognise the true extent of his dependence on her. She had not been sure that she would ever, really, go to France; but, now she had seen the other women who had volunteered and recognised that they were not much different from her no stronger, no braver, no better at the language the prospect of her actually going had become real.
Meanwhile, she needed reassurance. She wanted to be told by him, not once but many times, that he needed her; she wanted him to tell her that the compromises she had made with her modesty for the sake of his desires were understood; more than anything, she wanted him to tell her that he valued her.
All this, she thought, as she sat on the stopping train to Fort William, without seeming weak or clinging. It was a hot afternoon, and from the carriage window she saw a fisherman on a stool by a narrow river.
While his right hand gripped the rod, he was waving his left back and forth by his neck to drive off the midges. It was strange to see this placid scene: Scotland, France... Were men now fishing off the banks of the Seine near Monet's house at Givemy? Why were they not fighting?
How many citizens did it take to wage a war, and what was the responsibility of the ones who did not? Someone must carry on with the ordinary business of working, eating, going to bed: somebody must fish.
Could you in all conscience play your line across the seething waters of the Garonne at Toulouse, knowing that where it met the sea at Bordeaux the docks were patrolled by German soldiers? You voted for a government, then did what you were told: no one could really ask for more. And what right had she, a foreigner, to interfere?
Charlotte waited at the station for the Edinburgh train and saw her mother's familiar but ever stouter figure step down on to the platform.
She waved from the ticket barrier, then turned away so she would not have to hold her mother's gaze while she walked the length of the train.
Amelia Gray's powdery cheek dabbed against her daughter's unmade-up skin and, nominal contact made, recoiled.
Charlotte took one of her bags, which bulged with her unvarying baggage of knitting, library books and presents wrapped in tissue paper.
For Charlotte there were vests, handkerchiefs and chocolates, which she unwrapped in the hotel lounge while they waited for the waitress to bring tea. Amelia, satisfied by Charlotte's gratitude, settled back in the floral covered armchair. She was a big, handsome woman, run to fat, whose waved brown hair was shot with grey. Her fussing indulgence worked hard to compensate for her natural reticence and her fear of scenes, storms or emotions.
The waitress wore a frilled apron and a white cap clipped to her hair with pins that Charlotte noticed as she laid the heavy tray down on the low walnut table. Wisps of cress trailed from the sides of bulging egg sandwiches; three different kinds of cake were fanned about a willow patterned plate.
"Tell me how you're getting on with this course."
"We've finished. Tomorrow I'm off to Manchester, then back to London."
"What's it for, though?"
"The fanys. You know, the First Aid ' " I know what the fanys are. Mary McKechnie's daughter is a fany too.
Are you going to be a driver?"
"I expect so, yes."
"So why do you need to go on a course?"
"I'm not really supposed to say. You never know who's listening."
"Really, Charlotte." Amelia laughed.
"I'm your mother."
There was a pause in which Charlotte could have said more, but after a moment's awkwardness she could tell that her mother was relieved not to know: her curiosity was formal.
"How's father?"
"Ooh, you know. He's just... father."
"Busy?"
"Of course. Very busy. They're making a lot of changes at the hospital and he wants to be involved in the reorganisation."
"Are you seeing much of him?"
"He's getting back very late."
"And have you heard from Roderick?"
"Yes, I have. I had a nice letter from him the other day. His battalion's still in Lincolnshire, but they're hoping to go overseas soon. They don't know where yet. He says he's very fed up with all the training. He wants to get out there and do something."
"Typical Roderick."
"Yes."
"Are you worried?"
"No. He knows how to look after himself' Amelia poured some more tea for both of them. She took a piece of cake, her third, then put it down again.
Something effortful was clearly going on. Charlotte thought.
"Of course I do worry about you both of you." She was looking down at the table.
"I wish you'd get married. Charlotte. Have you got a young man?"
"Not really."
"It's none of my business, of course. I just..."
"Go on." Charlotte felt embarrassed by her mother's obvious discomfort but thought that, having come unusually close to frankness, she should be encouraged.
"I sometimes ask myself whether I really did enough for you when you were a child." Amelia's face was tense with effort. Charlotte said nothing.
"Perhaps I was not a very good mother."
"In what way?"
Amelia could go no further, and Charlotte, who could see the effort she had made, took pity on her.
"It's all right," she said, and patted her arm. She felt her mother's instinctive flinch at being touched.
"You say that. Charlotte, you say it's all right. But I don't really know what you think. I never have."
"It's all right. Mama. It's all right."
Eventually Amelia said, "I didn't know you smoked."
"I don't. Not usually." Charlotte had not even been aware of lighting a cigarette.
It was Gregory's fault.
"Remember what your mother told you," the parachute instructor called leeringly to the women as they queued up to do their preliminary jumps from a fourteen-foot tower.
"Legs together."
"I wonder how many times he's said that," said Marigold, standing with Charlotte in the queue.
The next day they jumped from a plane. Charlotte was grateful for the dispatcher's uncompromising shove; short moments of terror were followed by a feeling of powerless ecstasy as the canopy jerked open.
The hardships of Inverie Bay seemed to have been worthwhile, and with the exception of one man who turned his ankle, they were all eager to go up again. Marigold told Charlotte that the final part of their training, in the New Forest, was arduous and dull, but in the exhilaration of jumping they treated this as a typical service rumour.
The next day Charlotte said goodbye to Marigold at Euston and took a taxi.
The driver jerked and twisted sickeningly through narrow back streets to bring them out into Trafalgar Square; perhaps with her uniform and her suitcase at the station he had taken her for a stranger to the city, Charlotte thought, as they accelerated down the Mall. Office workers on their lunch break sat in striped deck chairs on the grass of Green Park where they threw bread to the scraggy ducks. London still functioned.
Would there be a letter from Gregory when she got back to the flat? He was not much of a writer. Apart from the occasional note left on her bedside table (what did he think when he looked at her vulnerable and asleep?), she had very little by which to recognise his handwriting.
Surely, however, he would have the simple politeness to have answered her letter, even if it was just in a few lines.
When they arrived at the house Charlotte felt her fingers tremble slightly on the key. Perhaps it was merely from the exertion of hoisting her heavy case up the steps. Inside the hall she went rapidly through the letters for the first floor flat on the old walnut dresser: there was nothing for her. Up in the flat, she sorted the papers, previous post and magazines on the hall table. She had an invitation to a gallery, a bank statement, a postcard from Roderick in Lincolnshire and a clothes catalogue.
She felt a descending bitterness and loss of hope that were out of proportion to the lack of a letter. She went into the sitting room and sat down on the sofa. This is a war, an historic emergency, she told herself, and he is flying dangerous machines; how high in the list of priorities does my self-righteously expected letter come? That was the logic of the situation; but, as her professor of French at university occasionally used to remark, what use is logic when faced with the power of truth?
Charlotte went to the kitchen to make some tea. It had relapsed in her absence, though not quite to the pure state of chaos that had once existed.
Charlotte warmed the pot, set the cup ready, and poured the boiling water on the leaves before discovering to her extreme irritation that there was no milk.
She took her black tea through to the sitting room and looked through a day-old newspaper on the sofa. If he hadn't rung by seven, she would get in touch with Marigold Davies, who was staying in some kind of hostel, and go out with her for the evening. The Times reported no good news from the Eastern Front, where Hitler's armies continued to move into Russia.
Charlotte put down the paper and went to the hall to get a book from her suitcase. It was cool and quiet in the flat, the noise of the turning pages loud in the gloomy sitting room.
Charlotte had the sense of life happening elsewhere, while the carriage clock on the mantelpiece ticked off the passage of unfilled minutes.
Occasionally she glanced up from her book to the black telephone on the table in the window; once she went over to it and checked that the receiver had been properly replaced. She laid down the book and closed her eyes.
The days had been very full: the psychiatrist, the obstacle courses, the throwing herself from the hold of a slowly chugging plane...
The extraordinary had become normal, or, if not normal, everyday.
Some aspect of the past few weeks had stirred something unwelcome in her thoughts, though it remained just beyond the reach of conscious memory.
With her head tilted back against the pimply nap of the sofa.
Charlotte probed into the reaches of her mind.
She is in her childhood bedroom. There is the fender that wraps its iron mesh about the coal fire; there is the scarlet rug with its faded golden curlicues. There is a row of dolls propped up along the wall beneath the window. There is a blue-painted wooden bookshelf with a row of stories about witches, schools and ponies. There is the battered bed, beneath the deep and comforting eiderdown. It is night-time and she is playing in her dressing gown on the floor puzzles or a book in the few minutes before bed. It is a fragile paradise.
She hears an awful noise. It is half shouting, half crying. She goes along the landing, through an open door. Her father is kneeling by a bed. He turns to her, and she is frightened by the tears on his masculine and warlike face. She is aware that at some invisibly remote level she may pity him, but in her child's mind all she experiences is fear.
She goes to him. He has some agonising need. Then the picture, quite clear until this point, explodes and fragments: there is the sensation of betrayal and violation. It is physical pain to an extent, but stranger than that is the sense of borders crossed, a world tilted out of its true orbit.
What really happened she could never fully recall. The harder she tried, the more remote it grew, until it seemed to have happened at another time, in another life, in an existence where different rules applied.
All she could be certain of was the intense reality of the incident; it was more real than any clear or normal recollection.
Charlotte opened her eyes again. She had lived for so long with this half-memory that it was part of the scenery of her mind. It had become assimilated, albeit in faint outline, into the person she was; and in long, uncomplicated passages of her life it was as unregarded as any other fragment of the past. What had presumably moved it back into the centre of her awareness were Dr. Burch's questions; but she was confident that she could let it drift away, that this most fully real experience could be successfully relegated once more to the shadows.
She took her teacup back to the kitchen. She just had time for a bath before the others came home from work, so she took her suitcase down the corridor to her bedroom and had squeezed it half-way through the door when her eye was caught by a piece of paper on the bed. It was a note from Daisy.
"Dear C, Welcome back I think it's today you're coming back. Someone called Borowski (?) rang and left this number.
Could you ring him back? Love, Daisy."
Charlotte took the piece of paper back into the sitting room. For two hours she had been sitting in the flat and never even thought to look in her bedroom. She lifted the receiver and waited for the operator.
Her voice sounded distant but remarkably calm as she read out the number from Daisy's note. It's probably an invitation to a squadron dance, she told herself. It's probably to ask if Gregory and I will make up a four at bridge or tennis; Borowski hasn't been able to reach Gregory himself since he moved, so I'm the only way to get in touch. He's probably just looking for Gregory, nothing to do with me at all. He's ringing to say he's dead, they've heard, they tried to reach me. In a curious way, the question of whether she became hysterical was almost a conscious choice.
The number was of the pilots' mess, where a steward answered.
Flight Lieutenant Borowski? You're in luck. Madam. I've seen him around this afternoon. It may take some time to find him, though. Do you want to hang on?"
"Yes, please."
"All right, I'll send someone."
In the excruciating silence Charlotte heard each crackle on the line as the sound of Borowski's happy step/ funereal pace, as he strode cheerfully plodded mournfully to the telephone; she framed offers of religious devotion in the event of Gregory's escape good works, church attendance. She made herself smile at the extravagance of her nunnish vows, because at root she was sure that such terrible things as she envisaged didn't really happen to her. She needed just to concentrate and not give way to premature jubilation, not to tempt providence, until the all-clear sounded.
"Hello?"
"Hello. Is that Borowski?" She didn't know his first name.
"It's Charlotte Gray. I think you rang."
"Yes, yes, that's right." Something church-like, decent, solemn, already sympathetic, in Borowski's voice made Charlotte sit down suddenly on the hard chair next to the telephone.
"Yes, Peter Gregory asked me to give you a call if... if, you know, if there were any mishaps or what-have-you. And, I just thought I'd--"
"What is it?
What's happened?"
"It's not very good news, I'm afraid. He's gone missing. It's a bit unclear. As you know, he's with the Halifax chaps and I've only got this secondhand, but I gather he went down last week. They haven't heard a squeak since."
"But... he told me you couldn't crash a Halifax."
"He wasn't in a Halifax. Apparently he was in a Lysander, which is a little single-engined monoplane. He'd been training on the quiet to do some pick-up. I don't know the details. They're tiny things. They can land on about five hundred yards of grass. They use them to pick up personnel.
Agents, I suppose. He was a natural, having been in fighters."
"Do you know any more? Is he alive?"
"I'm afraid I really don't know. As I say, it's all second-hand. What you should do is try and talk to the people where he's based. It's a bit tricky because the work they're doing is all so hush-hush, but they're perfectly nice chaps. The squadron leader's someone called Wetherby, I think Greg told me."
"If he hadn't crashed, then he would have come back, wouldn't he?"
"Not necessarily. I don't suppose he'd have enough fuel. I doubt whether the range is much more than four hundred and fifty miles, even if you strip off the arms and armour and whack on another tank.
So if for some reason his man didn't turn up and he couldn't refuel, then he'd be stuck."
"No wonder they wanted him to learn French," murmured Charlotte. "He never told me he was doing this."
"You must try not to worry. He's a hell of a good pilot. Got the luck of the devil, too. I should think he's most likely drinking too much local wine with some farmer waiting to be picked up tomorrow by another plane.
They'll do everything they can to get him back, you know. They won't want to leave a pilot of his experience over there."
"But what if he's crashed?"
"Well, that's a different matter. I wish there was more I could do to help.
I'll try and get in touch with his people, if you like. Who's his next of kin?"
"He hasn't got any. He's an only child."
Charlotte tried to say goodbye to Borowski, but the words would not pass her throat; she put the receiver down, but in her blurred vision missed the cradle, so it slipped from the table and dangled by its plaited brown cord with Borowski's anxious voice twirling in the bakelite earpiece as Charlotte sank to her knees and laid her head on the floor.
Half an hour later Daisy Forester let herself into the flat and called out to see if anyone was there. She had had a long day at St. James's and was looking forward to a bath, a change out of her hot clothes and whatever the evening might offer. When there was no answer, she turned on the water in the tub, then went to her bedroom and undressed. A minute later she emerged in her dressing gown and was on her way into the bathroom when she noticed a suitcase sticking out of the door of Charlotte's room at the end of the corridor.
"Charlotte?" She padded down to the open door.
"Charlotte? My God, what's the matter? Tell me."
"He's..." The words were squeezed singly through the air-lock of her throat.
"Dead. He's... crashed... Oh, Daisy... it's not fair."
"Take it easy. Charlotte. It's all right. Calm down, now. Calm down."
Charlotte clung to Daisy's shoulders while Daisy stroked her hair.
"Gently now, gently."
Charlotte looked up again and Daisy saw the passivity of grief yielding in her expression to something more violent.
"It's not... fair. I so loved him..."
Although Daisy found her eyes damp with the depth of her sympathy, she simultaneously felt detached. Perhaps it was to do with having Charlotte's body in her arms: her failings seemed enclosed by Daisy's grasp. Fond though she was of Charlotte, she had always viewed her as unstable: the way she had fixed herself on this obviously damaged man, the way her unquestioned education afforded her so little protection.
She was a little intimidated by Charlotte's self-possession, but she felt sorry for her because she was so vulnerable.
Charlotte began to wail again, and Daisy was reminded of a poem she could not place. A woman wailing. It was frightening because it was so elemental; the noise she made as she pulled herself away from Daisy's embrace and threw herself back on the bed was atavistic.
"Now, come on. Charlotte," she said.
"You've got to stop this, you've got to calm down. Now come on." She lifted her up again and held her jaw quite firmly so Charlotte had to look at her.
When Charlotte tried to wrench her head away. Daisy shouted at her.
"Stop it!"
Charlotte's face for a moment filled with hatred, then softened.
"I can't," she sobbed, but did then seem to drift off" the pitch of her emotion, back into a more manageable grief.
Over the minutes, stroking her hair, holding her hands. Daisy elicited the story as far as Charlotte could tell it. As soon as she could see that there were some grounds for hope, however unsteady, Daisy switched all her efforts into encouraging Charlotte to believe that Gregory was alive. She proposed practical ways of finding out: telephone calls they could make, letters they could write, friends they could ask to contact other friends.
After a quarter of an hour she coaxed from Charlotte the first twitch of a timid, bloated smile and felt a great relief that this hurdle was behind them, followed by a guilty foreboding of the qualities of patient friendship that the long weeks would demand.
"Now I'm going to make us both a nice big drink," said Daisy.
"You stay here. I won't be a minute."
On the way to the kitchen, she felt a sogginess in the carpet under her bare feet where the water had trickled from the forgotten bath.
XI
Richard Cannerley was late for his meeting with Sir Oliver Cresswell, and this worried him considerably as he hurried up the steps of the Travellers Club. Cannerley's father was dying, and he had lingered too long by his bedside at the Westminster Hospital.
Every day when he said goodbye he presumed it would be for the last time, and he tried to fix the moment- the moment of his father living- in his mind, as though in this way he might preserve him. It was a routine that varied only slightly from one he had used as a child on the last day of the holidays, when he would impress on his memory the final sight of his parents to last him through the boarding school term ahead.
In the taxi he wondered if he might use the excuse of his father's illness to mollify Sir Oliver for his lateness. It was his father, after all, who had instilled in Cannerley his sense of national pride and honour, these things of which he presumed Sir Oliver was the inheritor.
Unfortunately his father had also bequeathed a code of conduct which would view the pleading of personal emotion as an excuse for professional inadequacy to be quite improper.
Cannerley found Sir Oliver on a sofa in the back window of the drawing room.
Breathlessly, keeping his excuses vague, he accepted the waved offer of a seat.
Sir Oliver's physical appearance was a little disappointing to Cannerley. He took no care when he sat down, so that his suit jacket was always creased at the back. There was nothing so glaring as an egg or gravy stain on the lapel, but the fabric never had the soft or laundered look of something absolutely clean. His uncropped eyebrows overhung a pair of thick and greasy spectacles.
Дата добавления: 2015-11-04; просмотров: 21 | Нарушение авторских прав
| <== предыдущая лекция | | | следующая лекция ==> |